12 Lessons Learned From 12 Years Together - Pt. 1

Hey there. I'm Vanessa.

And I'm Xander.

And we are talking today about 12 lessons that we have learned after spending 12 years together.

Wow.

12 years.

That's a lot.

Yeah. So there are definitely people out there who have been together for longer than the two of us have been alive. But we're pretty proud of 12 years. They've been 12 really great years, full of a lot of growth and learning. So we wanted to share 12 lessons that. That we have learned. So we're going to be talking about this across a couple of different videos. Today, we're going to talk about three particular lessons, and we decided to group these three together because we learned them all kind of at the same pivotal moment in our relationship. So we wanted to start by telling you about one of the most challenging periods of our relationship.

Yeah, so this was around 2014, 2015. I was feeling pretty miserable in a job that I had at Google. Felt like I was just kind of in the rat race, climbing the corporate ladder. I had a really long commute to work every day, but. But it was, on paper, a really good job. It paid really well. It was super lucrative. And so the thought of giving that up felt kind of crazy. But I was miserable. And, yeah, I just. Deep down, I really wanted to quit. And also I was just feeling kind of sick of living in San Francisco, where we had lived for the last 10 years. We had been on vacation to Berlin a few times in the last few years, and every time we came away just loving the city more and more. And I had kind of this dream that I wanted to move there. And, yeah, we didn't speak any German. I didn't have any other kind of job lined up, but. But, yeah, eventually I got up the courage to ask Vanessa if she would be willing to move there with me.

And we did it. Yeah, it was a really challenging period of our relationship. Just having things so settled and so set up in San Francisco. Our life looked really good on paper. I was just starting building up my private practice, seeing people in an office, so it just seemed like, you know, from the outside, it seemed like an insane decision to make. So we had a lot of really tough conversations about that. And, yeah, we did ultimately end up deciding to make this huge move, and it led to a lot of other changes that we'll tell you about in this video as well. And it ended up being one of the best periods of our life. We lived there for a little over two and a half years, and, yeah, just learned so much, had so much growth and fun and all kinds of stuff. So that leads us kind of into the first relationship lesson that we have Learned in our 12 years together, which is, it's your relationship, so make your own dang rules.

Yeah, Yeah. I mean, like, Vanessa kind of said, like, we already have this idea of, like, what our life should look like. And it's, you know, that came from, you know, us just both making assumptions and also, you know, early conversations that we had early on in our relationship. And that was, you know, me kind of, like, climbing this corporate ladder and becoming a, I don't know, senior manager of something, and Vanessa building a private practice. But, yeah, what really happened?

Yeah, and for me, too, I've really struggled with perfectionism for most of my life. I call myself a reformed perfectionist. And I spent my whole life having really specific ideas of what my life needed to look like and sort of this progression of things. You know, I. I find a partner, and I get married, and we buy a house, and we have kids, and we, you know, just create this life that looks really good on paper. And we did, in a lot of ways, have that life that looks so good on paper. And so as part of this big conversation, we started having a lot of really important discussions about, like, what did we really value? So we had created this thing on paper that looked great, but, you know, we weren't feeling super satisfied with it. And so what was it that actually was gonna mean more to us if it wasn't these things that we thought we were supposed to be doing? And I think this is a big trap that so many of us fall into, is most of us have these pretty strong ideas of what our lives should look like, what we're supposed to want, and we really lose touch with what it is that we actually do want, and that actually is going to feel good for us. So we really drilled into what do we want rather than what do we think we should want? And it turned out that there was a pretty big difference between those things for us. So that led to a lot of work in really creating a relationship that was on our own terms, that had our own rules about what was going to feel good for us.

Yeah. So, you know, at this point, we've done a lot of really good work there, but we still feel self conscious at times about what other people think about our relationship and about our lives and our careers. And, you know, people still ask me when I'm going to get a real job.

That happens all.

All the time. And, yeah, like, our friends and family still talk about our business like it's a hobby or a side hustle or something like that. And, yeah, that can feel a little weird even after all these years of these big changes.

But, you know, ultimately, with where we're at right now, having a relationship that feels like it's on our own terms, defined by our own values, that feels so good that it's really worth the little momentary feelings of self consciousness. Okay, so now we want to teach you a practical way to put this relationship lesson to use in your own life. So what I recommend is you start by separately writing down, what do you think your life should look like? What is it supposed to look like? So do this separately. You can do it at the same time, but don't compare notes or anything yet. I found it's really helpful to let your brain just go through all of the shoulds first, because your brain is used to all of that, and it'll feel little bit more comfortable if you can just go through, okay, this is what I should do and what my life should look like. So do that first. Don't censor it or edit it. Just do that. And then take a look at that list and ask yourself, like, does this life that I've laid out in front of me, is this something that really lights me up inside? Am I excited about living this life and continuing down this path? Then what I would do is set that list aside for a little bit and have a conversation with each other where you talk about what really is going to feel me meaningful for you. And I recommend that you try to pick five core values that you would like to really define your relationship. So I think sometimes when we're trying to think about, like, what do I really want in life? And, you know, what's this dream huge vision that I have for my life, it's very overwhelming. I don't think I could have, you know, at that time sat down and said, well, here's what I want our life to look like. That's too intense. But instead, if you can focus on, like, what are the values that are really important to you, that can feel a lot easier. And then you can use those values kind of as a barometer for making decisions. So if there's something that you're considering, does this align with my core values? Is this gonna put us down that path? So for us, I think one of the values that we came up with was freedom. You know, we didn't want to feel tied to a specific place, to a specific commute, a specific job. We wanted to have the ability to Pick up our lives and go to the other end of the world. So if you can come up with these five core values that you think really define your relationship, they're what make the connection that the two of you share really special. That helps just set more of a. It becomes a compass for you of making decisions from there. Okay, so now let's move into relationship lesson number two, which is be honest with your partner about what you really want, even if you're scared to death.

Yeah. So, you know, in the story that we told you about ourselves, I had this dream or this kind of fantasy of moving halfway around the world and totally kind of uprooting and changing our lives. But I was really scared to talk to Vanessa about it. I didn't know how she would respond. It felt like this was going against, like, everything that we had talked about and everything that just felt like normal and what was expected of us. So that was really scary to have that conversation.

So we're obviously talking about a really huge period in our relationship, but I think it's really challenging to ask our partner for what we want, regardless of what the specific ask is. So if it's this huge ask, like, I want to move to Berlin versus, you know, a much smaller ask, like, even those little daily moments that we have with our partner, it can feel really vulnerable to speak our truth and to ask for something that we want. And I think one of the scariest reasons why we struggle with this is because it puts us in a position of being turned down. If you ask for something you want, your partner can say no. So one thing that I think is really, really useful to think about when it comes to this topic, is that your partner, no matter how compatible you are with each other, no matter how much you love each other, your partner is never going to be able to fulfill all of your wants and desires. So rejection is going to be a.

Part of your relationship, and it probably already has been.

Yeah, for sure. So I think, you know, we can get so wrapped up and so in our heads about, I don't want to put myself out there. I don't want to ask for that. They'll say no. But it's really important to recognize that you're going to say no to each other throughout the course of your relationship, and we have to be okay with that. We have to make peace with that.

Yeah. And just remind yourself it's totally worth being honest with yourself about what you want and with your partner about what you want. Because if you never ask, you're never giving Your partner a chance to support you or surprise you or even to say yes. And, you know, if it's something that you don't ask, it just. It kind of. It turns into a fantasy in your head. And if, you know, you keep not asking and it keeps turning into this kind of, like, bigger and bigger fantasy, and you're assuming, oh, yeah, they would never say yes to that, then that's when resentment can start to develop. But if you, you know, if you just put it out there and give them a chance, even if they say no, it can. That can still be a positive thing that's going to give you clarity on, like, okay, like, so the answer is no. And that allows you to kind of move on and think, okay, well, are there other options? I wanted this thing. Is there something similar to that or something, you know, that's gonna give me something similar that we can try or some way to compromise? So, you know, that's, you know, just. Just because they're saying no or you're experiencing rejection, it's not always a bad thing. That can help you kind of move on and figure out what's next.

Those are really good points. And I think, yeah, that definitely could have happened with our whole Berlin situation. Like, if you had never asked me, maybe you would have started building up this story that, like, I never would have been on board with it. I would have thought it was crazy. And, yeah, that. That could lead to this resentment of. Even though you hadn't asked me if, like, oh, Vanessa doesn't want to do stuff like that.

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay, so let's talk about how to make this one practical. Again. We are talking about a really big decision in our lives, but a lot of people might not have that big of an ask that you want to give to your partner. So one little trick that you can use that is super helpful is just imagine that we could press some sort of magic button, and you would be guaranteed that your part would have a positive response to anything that you would ask of them. So we're just.

I like that.

Yes, we'll find that button. You press the button, everything that you say, your partner is going to have a good reaction to it. So then think about if that situation was true. What would you want to ask of your partner? So I think just doing this little, you know, mental exercise in this way, it opens up a lot of space for you to let in wants and desires and needs that maybe you've really been holding yourself back from acknowledging. So it's not that you're going to run out the next day and like give your partner a 50 item list. But it just gives you that space to really consider, like, yeah, what would I ask my partner? What might I have been holding back a little bit from them? So that's a great place to start. And then from there, if you are not used to asking things of your partner, really sharing what it is that you want with them, I would suggest start really small. So you can even take that list and like put them in order of how intimidating to, you know, non intimidating they feel and start with those items on the bottom so you know, really simple stuff. Even if they're things that it feels super easy. You're like, why am I even bothering to ask this of my partner? Like start there because then you start building up some of the, you start building a habit around it where it becomes more comfortable and a little bit easier to start putting those requests out there.

Yeah.

All right, next up we have relationship lesson number three. No matter how long you have been together or how well you know each other, your personal partner is never going to be able to read your mind. So these lessons, like I was saying, we're all kind of interrelated. You know, we have to be willing to open up our mouths and share the things that we want, share the things that we need, the things that we're looking for from our partner. Because our partners just cannot read our minds.

Yeah. And I think like we're taught to believe that, you know, a true soulmate or whatever, they're going to know us better than we know ourselves. They just will magically know what we want all the time. And that also may be partially, you know, that may be your experience that a lot of the time when you're with someone for a very long time, they do get very used to, you know, what you want and what you need. And oftentimes they will anticipate what you want or need. But remind yourself there are always going to be times where there not anticipating what you want or need. So it's not, you know, it's not like 100% of the time.

Yeah. Even if you have evidence that they do know what you want, it's still not going to be that they can.

You know, it's not that they can read your mind. It's that over time you can anticipate certain things. And you can.

Reading into things is not always good.

It's not always, you know, you don't always read into something correctly.

So I think here it's really important for us to Be gentle with ourselves and recognize, like, it's okay to wish that we had this magic problem partner who just could take such good care of us and always do what we needed. So it's all right to feel that desire. And at the same time, we really do have to recognize that it's just not realistic. So the other thing about this one is that it applies to big situations and little situations, too. So, you know, there would have been no way of me knowing that Xander wanted to move to Berlin. But also, there would be no way of Xander knowing when I wanted him to give me a hug or when I was frustrated at him because he didn't take the trash out in time. So. And it also applies in the bedroom, too. Your partner can't know what it is that you're wanting in the bedroom. They can't know how things are feeling, what your experience is, unless you share that information with them.

Yeah.

So let's talk about how to make this one practical. This is just a trap that we will fall into if we don't consistently remind ourselves over and over and over again. My partner cannot read my mind. My partner cannot read my mind. So there are a couple of tricks that you can use here. The first one, I think it kind of cracks me up a lot, but I like sometimes thinking about Xander as if he was an alien, as if I was an alien to him as well. So, like Xander was saying, sometimes we do get to know each other so well that we can sort of make these assumptions that our partner can read our mind. But if we sort of think to ourselves, no, we really are just like two aliens who happen to be living in the same place. It makes you laugh a little bit, but you can think about, you know, what is it that I need to share with this other alien? Because there's no way that this alien knows what my weird alien needs. Another thing is just to continually remind yourself, like, my partner cannot read my mind. What is it that I need to share with them in this moment? What information do they need to know in this moment? So it really is just about the repetition of that.

And that's like an ongoing thing that we continue to need to remind ourselves about this all the time.

Yeah, this is not a lesson that you learn once, and then you're just good for it going forward. You have to keep learning and relearning, sometimes on a daily basis, reminding yourself of this one. And then if there's a moment where you do catch yourself feeling frustrated at your partner, it can be really helpful to take a second to check in with yourself and ask yourself, was I expecting my partner to read my mind just then? Did my partner actually have the information that they needed to make a good decision or to do something that I needed in that moment? So it's a good way to kind of check in with yourself.

Yeah.

All right, so those are our first three lessons of 12 lessons learned from 12 years together. Make sure to check back next week because we will be sharing the next three lessons. So go ahead and subscribe to our YouTube channel so you get a notification when we post that video. And if you're not on our email list, definitely head on over to vmtherapy.com com to sign up, because we'll be sending the videos out as well.

All right. See you soon.

Bye.

Bye.