12 Lessons Learned From 12 Years Together - Pt. 4

Hi, I'm Vanessa, and I am a sex and relationship therapist.

And I'm Xander. I'm just a regular guy who happened to fall in love with this beautiful sex therapist.

Oh, buttering me up. So we have been making videos all month long, sharing 12 of our favorite relationship lessons learned from 12 years together. And can you believe it that this is already our last video?

It happened so fast.

It did. It feels like.

Feels like just yesterday that I met you.

So if you haven't seen our other three videos from this month, definitely make sure to go check them out. But we are going to be sharing our three final lessons learned in this video. Okay, so we are kicking off with relationship lesson number 10. Be the kind of partner that you want to have, especially when times are tough. So this might surprise some of you out there, especially some of the many ladies who have sent me emails and messages saying, where can I find my Zander? Can I steal your Zander?

I'm flattered, but trust me, I'm not perfect.

So despite all of that, there are still things about Zander that I would love to change, just as there are things about me that he would love to change. I think this is a most universal experience that we all have things about our partner that we would love to change. So this is a really big topic. But one particular lesson that I have learned, or we both have learned within this realm of wanting to change your partner is that when we actively try to change our partner, it usually is very ineffective. I don't know if you've noticed me trying to change you sometimes.

Who likes to hear you need to.

Do this or you need to be different, you need to change in this way. So one thing that I have really found myself getting curious about is sometimes there are things that are just minor annoyances to me, like, I just wish Xander would do something a little different or not forget to do this thing. And then sometimes there are things about him that I'd like to change that really feels like there's, like, a big emotional charge around it. Sometimes I even wonder for myself, like, why is it so important to me to have this be different or to have him change in this way? So one thing that I've tried to focus on is, can I turn myself into the kind of partner that I am looking for, that I am looking to Xander to be, and in that way, sort of set an example for him of what it is that I'm looking for? And often what I found is that the things that we really, really want from our partner, the Things that bring up that surprising emotional charge. It's often because there's something around that topic that we are really resonating with and connecting with. And there's, like, a lesson for us to learn in there, not just a way for us to change our partner.

Yeah.

So I know that might sound like a complex topic, so we wanted to give you a couple of real life examples to explain what we mean.

All right, so Vanessa is not always the most patient person. In certain situations, when we have a plan and things go awry, Vanessa's not so great at rock rolling with the punches or thinking of alternative scenarios or the next best plan. And she can get kind of stressed out and upset and impatient at how things are going. Whereas, on the other hand, I tend to be a really patient and kind of logical person and be like, okay, this option isn't available, so then let's think about the next best option and treatment. Try this, and then we could try that. And that sometimes tends to just get Vanessa even more stressed out. So at times, I've found myself wondering, like, well, what? Like, what can I do in these situations? Like, am I just too patient? Like, should I be less patient? Should I get upset or mad or angry?

I think sometimes you get frustrated at me, and you're like, why do I have to deal with this? But you don't ever have to deal with it because I'm so laid back, so maybe I should be more cranky.

Yeah. Or it's like, oh, well, if she's upset, should I also be upset so that she sees that I care? Or that, like, I'm not, like, in the same place as she is? But, yeah, you know, then I think through it a little more, and it's like, no, if I were less patient, then the reality is we'd just be these two really impatient people, and I'd be way more stressed and less happy. So I think I've come to realize it's better for me to be patient, which is something that feels good to me and kind of, you know, try to set a good example.

Okay, so I'll give you another example. There was a time early in Xander and my relationship where I started getting really invested in wanting him to work out and wanting him to, like, really take care of his body and recognize, like, you know, we have to take care of ourselves. Our bodies are our temples. And I was really pushing him. And in a not very helpful way. I think it was making me feel really guilty and just sort of strange, and I was just being very nagging. I was really, really pushing, and it made me kind of stop and reflect. What is this? I mean, of course we all want to have a partner who's healthy. Yeah, of course. But there was something that kept coming up for me around that, and I think it was really about my own relationship with exercise and the struggles that I've gone through with having chronic pain and not being able to exercise and just finding a healthy routine for myself. So I really took all that energy that I was fixating on Xander and him taking care of his body and focused it more on me and taking care of my own body. And, of course, that ended up being a really, really important period of my life and got me started on a very healthy path that I have continued for many years now. And I think that you would probably say that seeing me take care of myself and being really, really consistent about it was a lot more motivating than me nagging you or telling you you had to do it. Oh, yeah, yeah. So it's just something just to think about, you know, can you be the kind of partner that you want your partner to be? The things that you're really looking for from your partner, can you explore those things on your own? Again, this is not the only way to go about trying to change things about your partner that you don't love. It doesn't apply to every situation, but it's definitely a powerful lesson that we have learned. So let's talk about how to get practical with this. So first, you want to take a little bit of time to think about what is it that I'm really wanting from my partner, aside from those daily annoyances type of things? What are the things that I keep coming back to over and over again that I'm really wanting? And then take some time to consider with yourself. You know, what is it about these particular things that is so important to me? Why does it feel kind of charged or maybe even a little triggering to me? Just see if you can get curious with yourself about what's your story around that particular thing. And then finally, can you try showing up for yourself in that same sort of way? So even if you look at this as it's just a little experiment, I'm going to try this out for a few weeks. You're definitely going to feel some resistance to, like, no, I don't want it. I want my partner to do it. But just play along with it for a couple of weeks and see what it stirs up for you. Okay, Relationship lesson number 11 is you are going to have to keep teaching your partner how to love you. And that is okay. So in one of our videos earlier this month, we talked about the fact that your partner cannot read your mind.

Nope.

So another one of the ways that this dynamic comes up is that your partner can't read your mind and know what you need to feel loved.

Especially not in every single moment.

Yes, especially not in every single moment. So Xander and I both feel loved and feel loving in different kinds of ways. And we actually joke between ourselves a lot that we are very rarely in loving modes at the same time. So Xander will be super lovey dovey and wanting to connect and feeling all the love, and I'll be like, okay, buddy, whatever. And then I'll be feeling really loving and you'll be like, okay, sure. So it's just a reality that we, you know, we have to. We're on different pages about what it means to be loved and to receive love, and that that's perfectly okay.

Yeah. So the other thing about this is that the things that make me feel loved aren't necessarily the things that Vanessa needs. And that's okay too. So, for example, I love cuddling. It makes me feel close. It makes me feel loved by Vanessa. But cuddling.

Cuddle maniac.

Cuddling is not Vanessa's default way at all of showing her affection. Like, I legitimately had to teach her how to do this early on in our relationship.

I'm not a natural cuddler.

So. Yeah. So anyway, so knowing that I take it upon myself in those moments where I'm feeling like I want some affection to invite. I'll invite her to sit closer to me on the couch or give her a hug or something like that. Yeah.

Yeah. So the tip here is just that you need to be active about telling your partner and reminding your partner over and over again, these are the ways that I like to be loved. And just recognizing that that's normal. It doesn't mean that your partner doesn't love you, that they don't care, that they've completely forgotten about you. It's just that's one of the realities of relationships. We have to keep reminding each other what we need to feel loved. So to make this practical, what we recommend is that you write down a list of your five favorite ways to be shown love. If you could just, you know, control your partner and have them love you in the exact way that you want to be loved, what would be five practical things that you could program them to do for you? So make a list and actually share your List with us in the comments below or at least one item on your list. Let us know what is some of your favorite ways to be loved. For me, definitely. I love getting good craft compliment.

Oh yeah, that's number one.

This is me fishing for compliments. So yes, make a list of your five favorite ways. Make sure that you share that list with your partner and then check in about that list constantly. So maybe you guys make like a little 10 minute relationship meeting once a month where you just sort of go over your list again. Maybe you change your list a little bit or you know, make other little updates or something like that. But the goal here is to be really consistent and just repeating those messages over and over again because it's just what we need to do. We need those reminders. OK, so that leads us into our 12th and final relationship lesson, which is that having an exceptional relationship takes constant effort. So I think that when we finally find ourselves in a good relationship, there is just so much joy about finding someone like, I met my match. This person is so great. We are so compatible. I did it.

The search is over.

And then we very, very easily can just kind of go into autopilot where we sort of take things for granted and we think that things are going to continue to be as amazing and wonderful as they are. So we go into autopilot, we stop putting in that effort, and from there it's a very slippery slope from going into autopilot into starting to actually go into bad behavior. It's just, you know, it can be really frustrating to notice how easy it is for us to neglect our relationships and, you know, neglect the people, people that we love the most. But it is unfortunately something that is just so easily happens. So if having an exceptional relationship is important to you, it's really important to recognize that this is something that's going to take active, ongoing effort. So a couple of the things that we do to make sure we keep prioritizing having a great relationship include surprising each other with date night. So we take turns planning little date nights and we always do it as a surprise for the other person so it feels like it's really something special that's happening. We listen to podcasts together and talk about the advice that we've heard. And if we agree or disagree, we have a lot of check ins about our relationship. We don't just talk about things when we're arguing or things are bad. We check in and say, how are things doing and what do you need from me? How can I be a better partner to you after arguments, though, speaking of tough times, we are really clear about trying to talk about what can we do better next time, how can we improve this going forward? It's not just resolving the fight, it's how do we get better at this moving forward. And even things like making these videos feels like a fun way to just keep working on our relationship, talking about it. It took a lot of effort for us to think about what were the 12 lessons that we wanted to share. So stuff like that really makes us feel like we're important to each other and we keep putting that effort in to have an exceptional relationship.

Yeah. So how do we make this practical? So this is a puzzle we've been trying to figure out how to solve for a long time. And the reality is it's not just like a set of rules that you can learn and you have it figured out. It's an ongoing thing. So we're thinking about doing something new in 2020 to help you be more intentional about creating an exceptional relationship on an ongoing basis. So we'd love to hear any feedback from you. Are you interested in something like this? Would you want to be working on your relationship kind of on an ongoing basis? Let us know.

Yeah. So leave us a comment down below. Like I was saying just a minute ago, it's just so easy to go into autopilot in our relationships. So we've really been playing around with this idea of how do we keep our relationships top of mind, how do we keep working on them, keep being active and intentional and not just slide into that autopilot mode. So we are not going to reveal anything just yet. We're going to be a little bit mysterious, but we definitely want to know, is having an exceptional relationship something that's important to you, something that you want more help and support and resources towards creating? So let us know down below. And thank you for watching our videos this month about our favorite relationship lessons from our 12 years together. Thank you for helping me learn these lessons over the last 12 years.

You're welcome. Thank you too. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have learned any of them.

Oh, that's very true.

I'm trying to compliment you, but that actually kind of backhanded one I think.

So thanks again for watching. If you haven't already, make sure to subscribe to our Our channel so you get notified when our next video goes live. And definitely make sure to head on over to vmtherapy. Com, subscribe to sign up for our email list and get our weekly email with free tips and strategies and suggestions. All right, thanks for watching. Bye Bye.