12 Lessons Learned From 12 Years Together - Pt. 3

Hey, there. I'm Vanessa, and I am a sex and relationship therapist.

And I'm Xander. So Vanessa's the professional, but I'm just here to share my experience as a regular guy who happened to fall in love with a sex therapist.

So, all month long, we have been talking about our favorite pieces of relationship advice since we have been together for 12 years as of this month, just a few days ago, actually. So we've already shared a couple of videos. If you missed those, definitely make sure to go back and check them out. And today we are talking about three more of our favorite pieces of relationship advice. So the first one that we want to talk about today is relationship lesson number seven. Laughter is the best medicine.

Oh, yeah.

So this one was something that came to me this year because I started doing this gratitude practice where every morning I write down things that I'm grateful for. And I've been trying to focus on the smaller daily moments that I'm really grateful for. So the big things, like, I'm glad to have a roof over my head, and I'm grateful to have food on my plate. Those things are important, too. But I'm trying to think about, like, what are the small daily moments that really mean a lot to me? And I've been noticing that the things that I'm writing down every day are tending to be really revolved around laughter. Like these really silly, goofy, playful little moments between the two of us that might seem like something, you know, just some tiny, silly, inconsequential moment. But when I think about it the next day, I'm like, I'm so grateful that we had that fun little moment with each other.

Aw.

So it's been a really great lesson for me to learn just how powerful it is to have those moments of laughter with each other. Like when you're doing some of your ridiculous little shimmy dances, coming up with some of your. Your own nicknames for yourself. I don't know if you're really allowed to make your own nicknames for yourself, but you do it. Or nicknames for me or our dogs. I won't share the dance or the nicknames just to spare you a little embarrassment, but thank you. Those really tend to be, like, my favorite favorite moments, and that totally make my day. So it's been such a good lesson that laughter really is such a great part of any relationship.

Yeah. Yeah. And you can work laughter, funny moments, stories into serious things, too. Like, for example, in our wedding vows, I included a funny story from really early on in Vanessa and my relationship I will not go into the whole story here, but yeah, it was a really fun way to highlight the importance of humor, even in a really serious situation. And of course, you make it sound.

Like getting married is this terrible thing.

Well, no, no, no, But I mean.

Like vows, like very serious wedding.

But wedding vows, I think, tend to be quite serious. But the added bonus to all of that is that it made those vows way more memorable. And I, you know, I think. I don't think everyone remembers offhand what their vows were if been a number of years, but I'm never going to forget that one.

And we still have friends who comment like, oh, yeah, when you told that story in your vows. So, yeah, yeah.

So, you know, at this point in time, you know, if we have a few minutes of laughter in a day, it's almost certainly going to be a good day. So how do we make this practical, Vanessa?

So there are, I mean, first of all, we just want to be able to have more laughter in our relationship, period. So just, I think, kind of going about your day thinking about, like, how can we make each other laugh? How can we kind of lighten things up a little bit? Just having that general mentality can be really useful if you're going through a season in your relationship where things do feel really serious and difficult. And even the thought of, oh, God, how do I, you know, I don't even know how to make my partner laugh anymore. Things have felt so intense between the two of us. Maybe it's something like watching a funny movie together. Just kind of get something going. Sometimes looking through old pictures can be useful, too. You remember, like, these, you know, silly, playful memories that you've had together. So that can be a great way. Another way that we have really put this practice to use, it's super practical, really, really powerful, is we try to use humor in moments of tension or arguments. So I'll give a little disclaimer here. This won't work for everyone.

It won't work, and it doesn't always work for us.

It doesn't work for every situation. We've had plenty of times where we've tried to do it and it hasn't worked out. But if you have some sort of funny phrase or memory or like, inside joke that you can use in the moment to break a little bit of the tension. If things are just feeling off between you and your partner, it can just help lighten things up between the two of you and maybe even completely diffuse the fight altogether. Okay, so let me give you some more practical tips. For how to do this. So first thing is, when things are calm and good between the two of you, sometimes see if there's anything that just makes you laugh that you can sort of reference, hey, maybe this is a good thing to kind of break the ice when things are tense. So I'll give you a few examples. We were watching Downton Abbey a few years ago, and kind of out of nowhere, one of the main characters said, golly gumdrops. And for some reason, that just made us both die with laughter. I think we were all crying for some reason. It was just the most hilarious thing.

It was so out of place.

Yeah. And so Xander said, as we were laughing about that, like, okay, next time you're mad at me, I'm going to say golly gumdrops. Because it was during a tense moment in the show.

It broke the tension in the show. So I was like, I can use this.

Yes. So we had sort of had this conversation beforehand. So the next time there was some moment of tension, like, Xander said, golly gumdrops. And that just made us both laugh again. So that's really the key here, is that you have to, like, identify the thing beforehand. You can't just be in the middle of a fight and say something random. Your partner's like, what are you talking about? So we had a couple of other examples just come up in the last few days that we've already had conversations about. Okay, that's another one that we're using. We were watching a football game the other day, and one of the referees, they did a call where they said, or the referee did a call, and then the commentator said, oh, that referee is being overly officious. And these examples are so dumb, I don't think anyone else is going to laugh at them. But for us, we were laughing so hard at just overly officious. So we're like, that's another good tension buster. Like, you're being overly officious right now.

Can't wait for that one.

So again, it's just identifying something funny in the moment and sort of making a game plan of, hey, maybe that'll be a good little tension buster.

Yeah. So bottom line, it sounds simple, but just make each other laugh. It's not, you know, it's no fun to be too serious, too adulty all the time, you know? So just being goofy and silly, that's just another way of being playful with your partner. And the more playful we are, the more fun we have, the closer we feel, everything is better. So we want to hear from you leave us a comment below. What's one of your favorite funny moments with your partner?

All right, so that brings us into relationship lesson number eight. Be adventure buddies. So to explain this one, I gotta spill a little bit of tea about our relationship.

Oh, boy.

Okay. So the early days of our relationship, our courtship were. Courtship. They were actually.

You'll see why it's in quotes.

They were kind of gross. So we spent when we were first dating each other. You know, obviously, we were working and stuff on the weekdays, but on the weekends, we didn't really do anything other than, like, we'd stay in your room, get in your bed, and watch TV together and order takeout and kind of just spend the whole weekend in bed, which just wasn't a very exciting. We had a great time.

We loved it at the time.

It was very slothful, very indulgent. So we did have a great time in the moment. But sort of looking back at that, it's like there was only a limited amount of time that we could do that before we got really bored.

Not a lot of good stories to tell.

No, not very many good stories to tell. So we did eventually hit this point. We're like, we have to get out of this room. This is a little bit crazy. And so at that point, we started realizing there is a whole big, wide world outside of this room here, and so many different things that we could be doing together other than just watching TV and ordering takeout. So that's when we started realizing the importance and the joy of being adventure buddies with each other.

Yeah. So since then, we've had a ton. A ton of explorations together and, like, big and small things. So let's start with some of the big ones. And traveling is huge for us. We've talked about this before, so we travel all the time. We've been to a ton of countries. We just love traveling together. On our honeymoon, we really kind of pushed the boundaries of what we felt comfortable with. Did this bungee jumping swing thing, which was really crazy and scary.

Not really your typical honeymoon, but it was fun.

That was just, like, one activity on the honeymoon.

No, we bungee jumped every day.

The honeymoon was not centered around this activity. Starting a business together. That's been quite an amazing adventure and still is every day. But then, yeah, little things, like going to a Pilates class together. Sometimes.

You have to tell more of the story of that one. It was funny.

It was fun.

I go to Pilates on those, like, reformer things, The. The big machines that move around. And I made Xander Come with me. And it was pretty hilarious watching you.

Try to figure out all the pretty.

I think I did straps and things. You did a great job.

I think I did pretty well.

It was very entertaining.

But, yeah, so on the flip side, I probably mentioned before, I surf and. Yeah. So on the weekends, sometimes I'll ask, hey, do you want to come with me and hang out at the beach so that, you know, it doesn't have to be this thing I'm just doing by myself or. Yeah, like, taking a cooking class, going to a new restaurant, stuff like that. Like, it doesn't have to be massive things.

Yeah, yeah. They can be small, daily things that you do together. And we've also definitely tried new things together that ended up being a total flop. We took a ceramics class together, and it was terrible. I tried to ski several times, and it was also terrible, but it still left us with a funny memory that we get to, you know, talk about and laugh about. And it was something that breaks up the routine, the monotony of daily life. So I think it's so important to do new things with each other. I mean, not only should it be fun doing stuff. Fun stuff together, but it really helps you see each other in a new light. Because, let's be honest, like, the ways that we interact with each other on a daily basis often can be a little bit boring. And, you know, we get into a bit of a routine. You're not going to really get super excited about, oh, there's my partner sitting on the sofa and watching TV again. Or, there's my partner taking the trash out again. Look at him go. He's doing such a good job.

What an adventure.

So when you do something different with your partner, you really get to see them in a new light. You learn different things about them. That skiing trip that I just mentioned, we actually went with some of our friends, and even though I sucked at skiing and I gave up on it, Xander still went. And our friends came back and kept saying, xander's an amazing skier. He has such great form. He's really graceful. And it was like, oh, yeah, that's my man. I get to be so proud of him and sort of see this different side of him that I had no idea existed. So it's just great to get to learn new things about your partner. And it reminds you that there are new things to learn about your partner, too, because especially when you've been together for a long time, you've kind of heard the same old stories that your partner tells over and over again. Starts to feel like I know this person inside and out and doing new things together. Even if they're small little things together, it still reminds you, oh, there is a lot more that I have to learn about this person. And it's also just good to kind of break up some of the, maybe some of the annoying things you've learned about your partner too. It's a good reminder of, you know, fun new qualities, talents, skills, all that kind of stuff. So that's such a great one as well.

All right, so how do we make this practical? So the super simple way to get started, just do more exciting things with your date nights, try new things, and, like, remember, this isn't all on you to figure out. Like, ask your partner if there's anything they've been curious about trying that you or they've never done before. All right, so how about we try crowdsourcing some ideas? Let us know in the comments. What's the most creative date that you have ever been on?

Yes, that sounds good. Let us know.

Yeah, the more people who respond, the more ideas people get.

Yes. All right, so that brings us to relationship lesson number nine. Make intimacy a priority. All right, so you knew this one was coming. I'm a sex therapist. Of course we're going to talk about sex. But it really is so important for us to be able to prioritize intimacy in our relationship if you've been following us for a while. A few months back, we shared an ultra personal story about this period in our relationship where we were not prioritizing intimacy and how the past really died in our relationship and not just the passion, but really the entire relationship. So I think it's really easy for us to write off sex as being, you know, it's just about sex. It's just about getting your rocks off and, you know, having an orgasm or whatever it is. And we forget that sex is such a crucial part of intimacy. It's a way that we get to express our love for each other. It's a way we get to play together and explore each other and see each other in new lights. So being able to prioritize your sex life, that has been such an important lesson for us. And that really probably was the one lesson that's made the biggest impact in our relationship that really turned down the darkest part of our relationship into this really happy period of our relationship. And the more that we continue to prioritize intimacy, the happier and happier our relationship gets.

Yeah. So, yeah, we really prioritize this. And time is the biggest thing here. We just really always, every day, make sure that we have time and space for intimacy and connection. And if it's looking like it's going to be a really busy day, then we talk about that. And we generally have decided that we would rather prioritize intimacy over other things. And so if we're super, super busy, we'll look at what's going on and we'll figure out, hey, you know, do all these things really have to get done today? Can some of these be tomorrow? Can we team up and knock these things out? So, yeah, it's kind of just figuring out, like, what is, like. Like, how much do you prioritize having the time? And the other thing is that, you know, it's not necessarily about having time for sex. It's, you know, it could be. It could be all kinds of other. There's other ways to be intimate, to have a connection. Like, you know, some days it might just be time to cuddle on the couch or in bed or have a nice conversation together over dinner, five or.

10 minutes, you know, but, yeah, just really being intentional about making that time for each other.

Yeah. So, like, the key is that we just don't allow ourselves to use the excuse of being too busy for connection.

Absolutely. Okay, so let's talk about how do we make this practical? The biggest recommendation that we have is to sign up for an online course or maybe sex therapy or even read a book together. If you really invest in your relationship in that way, in, you know, signing up for something, kind of putting your money where your mouth is, making a time commitment that's going to make you take it so much more seriously. At the time that we were really struggling, we signed up for couples therapy, and we did that for a long time and invested a lot of time, money, emotions, resources into that. So you don't have to be, you know, do something that big. And especially depending on where your relationship at is at, maybe reading a book or listening to some podcasts is a better fit for where you're at right now, but definitely doing something to engage with each other and with your relationship. If you feel called to any one of our courses or to working with us, we would be honored to work with you. But anything that you can get your hands on, just some way to feel like you're really making that space for each other. Another option is to schedule sex. So when we shared our story a few months back, we also talked about how we schedule sex and how we have learned a specific way of doing it. That feels really amazing for us. So I know a lot of people, I used to be one of these people myself, think that scheduled sex is terrible and it's a sign that your relationship is broken and something's horribly wrong. There's no passion, no chemistry. But we've actually figured out a specific strategy for scheduling sex that actually makes it feel very passionate, very exciting and very fun. So like I said, a few months ago, we did something, we did a big training that was totally free all about that. If you missed it, we're going to be doing something with it coming up soon. So if you are not on our email list already, definitely make sure to head over to vmtherapy.com and sign up there because you will be the first one to know when we do something fun and exciting and free with that resource again.

Yeah. Yeah. So we know that this is a tricky one for a lot of couples, so we're curious. Let us know in the comments. Do you feel like intimacy is a priority in your relationship or would you like it to be more of a priority? Let us know.

Yeah, let us know. All right, well, thanks for watching this video. We hope you enjoyed these three tips. Please leave us a comment below. We really want to know what you think. We want the answers to the questions that we asked you, so let us know down below if you haven't already. Make sure to subscribe to our channel because we have one more video with our three final relationship lessons. And if you subscribe to our channel, you will be notified as soon as we post that video. And like I mentioned, definitely make sure to head on over to vmtherapy.com and sign up for our email list so you get all of our latest tips and tricks and goodies. All right, thanks for watching.

Bye.