5 Communication Tips For Couples

We suck at communication.

Yeah.

That is a sentence that most couples have said at least once in the course of their relationship, us included. Communication is the backbone of all of our relationships, and it's especially important when it comes to romantic relationships and sex. But damn, communication can feel so hard sometimes.

Oh, yeah. So, hey, we're Vanessa and Xander Marin. We're married, and we've been together since 2007. Nobody ever teaches you how to have a great relationship. So we've made it our life's work to give you the practical tools you need to have an extraordinary relationship. Inside the bedroom and out.

In this video, you're going to learn five of our favorite communication hacks for couples. By the end of the video, you'll have five clear practical tips to start improving your communication skills today. You're also going to hear some examples that you can use the next time you find yourselves slipping back into porch communication.

Because it will happen.

It definitely will.

So, communication hack number one, Imagine you're talking to a friend. Most of us tend to be much better communicators with our friends than we are with our partners.

Oh, yeah.

So we listen to them more closely. We don't get triggered by what they say. We have more patience with our friends, and we tend to give them the benefit of the doubt a little bit more.

A lot more, I'd say.

Yeah. So the next time you and your partner are having a conversation, just pretend that they're one of your friends instead. Imagine one of your best friends is standing right in front of you instead of your partner. See if this changes the way you talk to your partner. So, for example, let's say that your partner left their clothes on the floor yet again. If you're talking to your partner, you might blurt out something like, how many times do I have to ask you to pick up your clothes? I'm not your maid. But to your friend, you might say, hey, could you pick up your clothes? It would be awesome if you could try to do that every day. This is a really fun hack to play with and can be surprisingly effective.

Definitely. Communication hack number two, forget the words never and always. So, first of all, the words always and never just aren't true. It's extremely rare in life that something always happens or it never happens. So using these words just immediately puts your partner on the defensive, and it makes them feel really trapped. If they always or they never do something, you're basically saying that they're incapable of doing anything different. And it also sets the bar really low for improving. So in order to stop never or always doing something, you only need to do it or not do it a tiny bit more or a tiny bit less in order to prove you wrong. So if there's something different that you want from your partner, using the words always or never basically ensures that you are not going to get the chance.

Change that you want, or you're just gonna get a big argument over the fact that you don't never or don't always do something.

Exactly.

Yeah.

So as an example, let's say that I want Xander to initiate sex more often if I yell at him. You never initiate sex. I'm not exactly making him want to initiate, am I? And his response is probably gonna be something like, what are you talking about? I just initiated last week. And so, just like Xander said, we're gonna get into an argument about whether or not he actually did initiate. Was that last week or was it the week before? And he' basically proved me wrong by giving me this one example of a time that he did initiate.

Yeah, so that's no fun. Let's not do that.

And this is a simple one. Just take those two words out of your vocabulary. Not that hard to do.

All right, so communication hack number three is don't ask questions that aren't really questions.

Oh, yeah, this is a good one.

Yeah. So a lot of us have a hard time asking for what we want already. So what we tend to do is hide our requests in fake questions. So some examples of that are, are you almost done with that? Are you going to be home soon? On the surface, these sound like questions. Technically, they are questions, but in reality, they're requests. Are you almost done with that is really asking, could you come spend some time with me? Are you going to be home soon? Can you help me with the kids? Hiding your requests and questions just sets your partner up for failure, because they think they're just supposed to answer the question and not address the emotional need behind it. So your partner might respond, no, I have to spend another hour finishing this work project. Of course that kind of response is going to hurt your feelings. If what you really wanted to ask was, can you come home tonight and spend some time with me a little earlier than usual? But if you had actually asked that exactly, like, could you come home so that you could spend some time earlier with me tonight and last night, I can guarantee that your partner's response would have probably been much different. So whenever you find yourself having an edgy tone or a delivery with a question, try to take a moment and ask Yourself. Is this really a question, or is there a specific request that I can make instead?

Yeah, I think the key with that one is that asking those questions. Like, there are so many different things that you could be asking with that one question. And so if you're able to get clear on what it is that you're actually wanting rather than leaving your partner to guess, like, is she wanting to spend time with. With me? Is she being judgmental how much time I'm spending on this thing? Is she missing me? You know, like, all these different things that it could be. Just be clear about what that request is for you. Communication hack number four, pretend you are a stranger to your partner. So earlier we suggested imagining your friend instead of your partner. But now we have an even weirder suggestion here. Imagine that you are a stranger to your partner. So the thing is, most of us want our partners to just know what we want without having to ask for it, without us even having to really know what it is that we want in the first place. And you might want that so badly that it's painful when it doesn't happen. So in the moment, for me, sometimes I've thought things like, you know, wait a minute, haven't we been together for over a decade? Like, why don't you already know that I'm cranky because I haven't had enough alone time in an entire week. And sometimes, like I was saying, you might not even know what you need or what it is that you're trying to ask for. And you might already be so frustrated with yourself that it makes it easy to get frustrated with your partner for not knowing either. But the unfortunate reality of life, hate to break it to you, is that your partner cannot read your mind.

Even though we can get pretty close.

Sometimes, we can get shockingly far.

We get to know each other really well, and we might be able to predict or know like, 50% or 75%.

Oh, I think those percentages are high.

That might be high. But even still, that still leaves like a quarter or a half of things that you just have no idea, no clue.

So, yeah, really, as well as your partner may know you, you are always going to be somewhat alien to them, and they are always going to be somewhat alien to you. And, you know, we really get ourselves into trouble when we want our partners to just magically know what to do without us having to ask for what we want or even knowing what we want first place. So when you're talking to your partner, especially around your needs, imagine that you are a stranger to your partner and that you have to be crystal clear in explaining what you want to them. You can even pretend they're actually an alien if that makes you laugh a little bit. But the idea here is to really imagine having to share your needs or desires or wants with somebody who does not know you cannot read your mind.

So building on that one, communication hack number five is aim for understanding, not agreement. Good communication doesn't mean that you're going to agree all the time. In fact, you're probably going to disagree more often than you agree. So instead, the goal of communication should just be understanding. Here's an example from our own life. So it's a little embarrassing, but I'm not a morning person. And it can take me a long time, like an hour or so, to really feel awake and, like, be back to my normal self.

Now I, on the other hand, am definitely a morning person. I wake up, I'm ready to conquer the day. I've got a positive attitude, I'm super energetic, I don't know how she does. And I want to hang out in bed and cuddle with Xander and start this day on such a great foot together. And it's really hard for me to see that he's not in the same sort of space that I am. And sometimes to me, it seems like he's really, really cranky and super out of it. And so this has led to fights because I want start the day on this great foot. And Xander wants space to do what he needs to do to wake up. And it can often feel like our needs just are not in alignment in this area.

And so from Vanessa's perspective, I'm being cranky and unpleasant. I don't agree with that perspective. My perspective is just that this is what I do to wake up in the morning. This is how it is for me. So I don't have to agree with Vanessa that I'm a cranky jerk in the morning. I just have to understand that that's her experience. And I can see that if I try to look at it through her eyes. And she doesn't have to agree with me that this is just my thing in the morning. She just needs to understand that this is the experience that I have every morning.

It's like the classic advice of trying to put yourself in someone else's shoes, but just taking to the next level. You don't have to be in those shoes yourself, but you just have to understand if somebody else is in that position, that's the experience that they're having. And it's real and valid simply for the fact they're having that experience.

Yeah, this is one of the biggest challenges in relationships. It can be so crazy to see how two people have completely different experiences of the same event. The difference between understanding and agreement, it's really subtle, but it can be super powerful when you put it into practice. Because, let's be honest, perfect agreement is rare, if not impossible in any relationship. But understanding is. That's almost always attainable.

So that wraps up our five communication tips for couples. If you like this video, please give it a like and leave us a comment down below about which of these tips you needed to hear the most. And please also subscribe to our YouTube channel for more free resources.

And wait. We also have a gift for you. If you're excited about improving communication in your relationship, you're definitely going to want to check out our free guide, the Simple Daily Check In Every Couple Needs to Be Doing right now. We created this guide specifically for couples who are stuck indoors together during the coronavirus lockdown or working from home together. Click the link in the description box to download it. We're going to be sharing more resources like this for dealing with conflict, so you're definitely going to want to make sure you're on our email list.

See you next time.

See you next time.