Advice For Virgins

We can't start a video anymore. Are you thinking about having sex for the first time ever? I'm feeling a little unsure, a little nervous about the whole thing. Well, today we have got you covered with a guide for exactly what to expect and how to make sure that it is a great experience for you and your partner.

But before we get into that, if you're brand new here, we just want to say, hi, this is Vanessa. I'm Xander Marin. Vanessa's a sex thing therapist. I'm a regular dude. We've been together for 14 years, and.

Our account is all about giving you the tools, tips, and techniques that you need to create a truly extraordinary relationship inside of the bedroom and out. So if you are interested in that, then who isn't?

Right.

Then just go ahead and hit that subscribe button. So let's get into it. And before we even start, really, we have a simple little language swap. So typically when people talk about having sex for the first time, they call it losing your virginity. Right. But we think that that phrase is pretty problematic for a lot of different reasons. Makes it seem like you're losing something, which can create more, like, anxiety, more buildup around it, and it's just not a great phrase to use. So instead, we really like to use the phrase making your sexual debut.

Yeah.

So when it comes to your sexual debut, we are going to break it down with our best tips for before, during, and after your first time.

All right, so let's talk about before your sexual debut. I think the first thing that we want to call out is that the average age that people are waiting to have sex until is increasing. In general, there are lots of people who are waiting until later in life to have their sexual debut. So if you are one of these people, don't feel bad, don't judge yourself. You have a lot of company. There are a lot of people and more and more people doing this.

Yeah. I mean, as a sex therapist, I've worked with people in their 20s, 30s, 40s, even 50s who were making their sexual debut. And regardless of what age they were, people were really judging themselves. So we just think, like, it doesn't matter. It doesn't say anything about who you are as a person, what age you decide to start having sex. So, like, please don't feel ashamed or embarrassed of this. The next tip that we want to give you is to really make sure that you're ready for this. So because so many people judge themselves, a lot of people are really in a rush to, like, get it over with. You feel like, something's wrong with me. I just got to like, do this. And we want to be clear here. Like, we are not saying you have to be in love or married or in a committed relationship to have sex. Like, it is okay to just have this sense of, you know what, I just want to do it and like have that first time be over with. But you should feel like this is something that you genuinely want to do and not something you feel like you have to do or you're, you know, expected to do.

All right, so let's talk about safety and comfort. So you should definitely have a plan in place for preventing STIs. And if pregnancy is a possibility, given who you are having sex with, it's a good idea to have a plan in place to prevent any unwanted pregnancy. So you should have a good idea of what contraception options are available to you and choose what feels right to you. Now, if the contraception that you're choosing as condoms, I would recommend that everybody bring some condoms with them. Just in case everyone gets a condom. Yeah, it's better to be prepared, I think. You know, it can feel awkward sometimes buying condoms, but the reality is if you get together to have sex and you're expecting your partner to have a condom and they don't have a condom, where you only have one and then you break one or something, it's just good to be prepared. You can never have too many. You will probably use them again.

And our other tip is to be sober. So a lot of people feel anxiety about having their sexual debut. And so a lot of people turn to alcohol or substances to try to dull that anxiety. But, but we think it's really important for you to be clear headed and sober so that you can make good decisions in the moment, really give your consent, just have an overall good experience. So we think it's much better to just be sober for this first time.

All right, so now let's talk about during sex. So the first thing is don't expect too much. First time sex is rarely truly excellent for most people. So it can be a lot easier if you just kind of have sex some more. Middling or lower expectations because the reality is you will get better and better with time and with practice.

This is one of the few times where you will hear us say, have low expectations. So on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being terrible, 10 being orgasming, what would you rate your first time?

Well, I did have an orgasm my first time, so it was orgasming, but I would give it a three. I Was nervous, but excited. Excited, and it went quick.

I'd give mine, like, maybe a five, maybe a six. I was not orgasmic, but it was overall, like, pleasant experience. But these are pretty low numbers, right? So another tip that we have during the act is to spend lots of time on foreplay. So, like we mentioned, a lot of people feel this stress and anxiety leading up to their first time, and it makes them kind of want to rush to, like, just get it over with or get to the thing. So that. That is just a recipe for discomfort. Not a super enjoyable experience. Definitely not an orgasm. So we really think that it can be so much better to just take your time, have some foreplay, especially if you're a vulva owner, because intercourse, if that's what's on the car on the table for your sexual debut, it's not likely to be orgasmic for you. So let yourself have an enjoyable experience. Spend time on the things that actually.

Feel good to you. Yeah. All right. And so we alluded to this earlier. Especially if there is going to be a penis involved, it is very likely that the intercourse itself will not last that long. And that is okay. This is something that it takes time and it takes practice to get better at and to last longer. And the reality is this is going to be a new, very stimulating experience. And oftentimes there might be some nerves involved. So at least at the very beginning, I think better to have some low expectations around how long it's going to last and then, you know, make the goal that you improve over time.

How long did you last your first time?

Probably a minute at the best.

Which really means, like, 20 seconds in reality.

Probably, yes.

All right, let's talk about the pain aspect. So if you are a vulva owner, you have likely been told most of your life that your first time having intercourse, if that's what you're having, would be really painful. And so what we want to say is that there are really a wide variety of experiences that vulva owners have, and the cause for the pain is typically the hymen. The hymen is a membrane that stretches over the vagina, but for some people, before they've had sex, they've already broken the hymen. So I think a lot of us have this, like, the popping the cherry thing, or, you know, we have this idea you're going to break the hymen. It's going to be so painful and so bloody. But. But a lot of people break their hymens using tampons, riding a bike, doing other sorts of sports. So it's very likely that your hymen has already kind of broken down. Maybe it's thinner, but for some people it is there. It is thicker. There can be bleeding, there can be a little bit of pain. For me personally, my first time was not at all painful. I was kind of like bracing myself, getting ready for the pain, but there was nothing. So you're not really going to know what the experience experience is beforehand. You're really only going to know in the moment itself. But we want to encourage you, like, don't push yourself to like, just grit your teeth and bear it and get through it. If you're experiencing a lot of pain, like a little bit of discomfort, a sense of like, ooh, this is new, that's normal. But if you're experiencing a lot of pain, like, please don't force yourself to try to just get through that.

All right? Now another thing is don't put pressure on everybody having an orgasm from intercourse. Especially. Now. Typically we say everyone who wants an orgasm should get an orgasm. But like we were kind of saying before, oftentimes this first time, there can be nerves. It's a new experience. It can go quickly. So if you have this expectation or pressure that, you know, the intercourse needs to result in specific things happening, it's unlikely that those things will happen. So it's better to have a goal that, you know, after we do this a couple times and keep practicing, that we get to this point point where really everyone who wants to have an orgasm is having an orgasm and it really is wildly pleasurable for everyone. Just not that first time, probably.

Yeah. And similar to what Xander was saying is, don't worry if you don't really enjoy it. The first time can just be sort of weird. You're getting a feel of like, how this all works and what goes where and who does what.

Yeah, even, even as a penis owner, it can feel really good, but it can also be really nerve wracking. And like, I don't remember my first time as particularly enjoyable. It was probably more like scary to anxiety producing because I put a lot of pressure on myself to like, oh, yeah, you need to last. Like, you need to, you need to like, show how good you are. And the reality was I, I was not able to do that at all, actually.

If you're watching this and you already have had your sexual debut, leave us a comment down below and let us know. Like, was your first time super enjoyable or was it kind of like, did.

You go all night? Probably not. All right, so let's talk a little bit about some after sex considerations. All right, so number one is cleanup. I think a lot of people don't realize that there is a cleanup aspect to sex until after they have had sex. And then sometimes they are a little.

Surprised, roll over and go to sleep like they do in the movies.

I know it's not really like it is in the movies, unfortunately, but you know, there are bodily fluids involved and then you know there's going to be leakage afterwards. So that's just a reality of what happens. So it's a good idea to have some towels, toilet paper or Kleenex handy so that you can kind of quickly wipe up.

And if you are the owner of a vulva, make sure to pee afterwards. It just flushes your urethra out. Sometimes bacteria can get worked up in there when you're having your debut. And so it's just a good idea after any time, not just the first time, just to go pee and then.

Just remind yourself it is okay. You are not an expert. After doing it one time, you know you, you had your sexual debut. But great sex is going to take practice. So just look at that first time as an opportunity to have your debut. You know, it's like opening night of a play. You're working out the kinks and you know, it only gets better from there.

So have fun and welcome to the wonderful world of being sexually active. So that wraps up our video on our tips for first time sex. Now you may be feeling a little bit of anxiety like we were mentioning about, like wanting to get it right and know what you're doing. So we will put the link to two of our guides in the description box below. We have a foreplay guide that really leads you through step by step, playing with a vulva, playing with a penis, and just gives you tons of great tips. And we have the Sex position Playbook. So this is a really inclusive guide that shows you different positions for being intimate. Whether there's a penis involved, a strap on involved. And we will put the link to that below. It's really, really useful. Like breaking down tons of different positions. Exactly. How to get into and out of them, how to move in them, how to transition in between them, some adventures. So we will put that for the description box for you to check out.

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Thanks for watching.

See you next time.