BAD Dating Advice - Avoid These Outdated Relationship Rules

All right, I have a question for you today.

All right.

What is the most ridiculous dating rule that you have ever heard? Is it that you're not supposed to call until exactly 72 hours after the first date?

Or that you can't talk about money, politics, or religion on a first date? Or that a woman can't ask a guy out?

Hey, there. We're Vanessa and Xander Marin. We are married, and we've been together since 2007. And our mission is to equip you with the tools that you need to create an extraordinary relationship. Inside of the bedroom and out. So if you haven't watched one of our videos before, I'm a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex and relationships, and I've spent the last 15 years working with thousands of people and have served as a featured expert for magazines and websites like the New York Times, oh, the Oprah Magazine, Real simple, and many more.

And I'm her husband. I used to work a pretty normal job in the corporate world, but when I started seeing how much of an in impact Vanessa was making with her work, I decided to join her so that we could reach even more people. Plus, being married to a sex therapist has its perks. I've picked up some pretty good insight into what does and doesn't make relationships work. And I really love sharing real stories from our own life that might be applicable and helpful for you all.

In this video, we are going to explore some of the worst dating rules that we've ever heard and why we think they are so bad. So some of this crappy advice may make you laugh. You may already know that it is ridiculous. But we also want you to walk away feeling empowered to ditch terrible dating advice and start making your own damn relationship rules. We've done this ourselves over the course of 13 years together, so we are happy to guide you through this process.

So let's get into our least favorite dating advice.

All right, Bad dating rule number one. Women shouldn't make the first move. Do you remember that book from the 90s called the Rules? You probably don't because it was marketed at women, but it was full of these disempowering statements about how women should or shouldn't act in order to snag a potential husband, as if that was the most important thing that we could do with our lives just by masculinity. But sadly, so many women still feel like they're not supposed to make the first move. Now, I think that this is a little bit better for women who date women, but it's still, still such a strong barrier for heterosexual women in particular.

But we're calling total BS on this one. Look, it's 2020, and there is absolutely no reason why a woman can't be the one to make the first move.

In fact, I made the first move on Xander.

That's right.

We met at a Christmas party at his house, and he was DJing, and I snuck up behind the DJ booth and started chatting him up. So I guess technically I was cheating a little bit because you couldn't really approach me since you were DJing. But still, I went ahead and made.

It with, yeah, you could have not done that and waited to see what would have happened later. But, yeah, I love that Vanessa did that. And seriously, men appreciate not always having to be the ones to make the first move. And this applies to both dating and sex. So many of us have this unrealistic expectation that men should always be the ones to initiate sex.

But ladies, we are allowed to desire sex, and we deserve to ask for what we want and to expect, express ourselves.

And again, this is something that men definitely appreciate. Like, it's super hot to have a woman initiate sex or say what she wants to do.

All right, bad dating rule number two. Don't sleep together on the first date. Okay, so look, sex on the first date does have the potential to change the way you feel or the way the other person feels. Sex can be a big deal. But that doesn't mean that you should never have sex on the first date for any reason. That's just stupid.

Instead, ask yourself what you're hoping to achieve from this first date and then make a decision from there. Do you just want to fool around and have a good time?

That's totally fine.

Yeah, that's fine. Do you want to see if this will turn into a relationship? Do you want to see if you're compatible enough with this new person to commit to them long term?

Now, part of knowing what you want involves getting to know your sexual values. So, for example, is being monogamous before you have sex with someone important to you? For some people, it absolutely is. For others, it absolutely is not. And you can also consider some of your past sexual experiences and use them as guides. So, in the past, have you slept with people too quickly or have you waited too long? Were there certain decisions you've regretted? Were there certain decisions that felt really good to you?

And keep in mind, sometimes knowing your sexual boundaries involves a little trial and error. It's fine to be unsure or torn in a few different directions. Just as Long as you take the time to honestly consider your own desires.

All right, bad dating rule number three, Play hard to get. This is a classic dating rule that I think we have all heard at some point or another. Now, when it comes to heterosexual relationships, some people claim that this taps into men's primal hunter mentality, and it makes, you know, the chase for the partner seem even more exciting than the partnership itself. And on the flip side, a guy pretending to be unavailable or uninterested will magically make a woman more interested in him. But what often happens when you play games like this in order to secure a relationship is that you don't honor the authenticity of being yourself. It becomes about waiting the perfect amount of time to text back or saying all the right flirty things instead of focusing on what brings you joy, what you enjoy spending your time doing, how you like to connect to another person. And it also might even lead to some long term resentment from the person who was played early on in the relationship.

So if you have to bend over backwards to come off as cool or.

Hard to get or mysterious, yeah, you're.

More interested in winning this person over than you are in actually getting to know them as a person and a potential partner. For Vanessa and I, we were so not chill about telling each other how much we like each other. From the very beginning, there was absolutely no games, no playing hard to get. Well, except for the first time that I called Vanessa and she purposely let me go to voicemail, but that was just the first time.

Well, I was really happy I did that because then I had the very first voicemail that you ever left me and it was so cute and it's.

Quite embarrassing and unfortunately it has gotten lost. But, you know, we were just open and honest with each other from the very beginning about how we felt. And it felt so refreshing to me and I think to you too. Having both of us been in relationships previously where there was, you know, pretenses or games or expectations.

Yeah, we gotta be honest. All these rules that we are sharing with you, we have broken them at some point or another in our own dating histories. And so we get that experience of being able to compare what it's like when you're following those rules and what it's like when you leave them in the dust. But yeah, it definitely felt super refreshing for me that it just felt so much more straightforward with the two of us. We were so much more clear with each other. There was this fear, this anxiety. It just made our relationship unfold in such a healthier and frankly, more exciting way. All right, that brings us to bad dating rule number four. If they're right for you, there should be an immediate spark. So here's the thing about attraction. Sometimes it's there from the get go and sometimes it builds slowly over time. But just because you feel immediately physically attracted to someone doesn't mean that they are the best life partner for you. And conversely, just because there may be a few doubts at the beginning, it doesn't mean that there can never be a spark.

First dates are not always the best indicator of a person's character and physical attraction. It's not the be all, end all. First dates can be awkward for so many reasons. So if it doesn't go perfectly, but like you still find yourself enjoying the date in general, it might be worth going on a second date and see if things fall into a more natural groove. You know, just think about how easy it is to be nervous and what kinds of things you do when you feel nervous, you know, and plus, going on a few additional dates with someone, you might discover some other attributes that end up being highly attractive to you.

Yeah, I mean, our first date was definitely a good date, but it wasn't like, you know, fireworks going off and the clouds parting and, you know, anything like that. And I definitely did embarrassing stuff. I was super nervous. Remember, I forgot my keys at the bar that we had gone to before having dinner and we had to go back. So I probably seemed like just a really big dummy. You gave me a second chance. All right, bad dating rule number five. Don't move in until you get a commitment. There is absolutely nothing wrong with moving in together before a commitment to marriage or monogamy or anything like that. In fact, moving in together is a really great opportunity to see how the two of you handle the stressors of cohabitation. Because living together is a lot of fun and it also very stressful, especially at the beginning.

It's an adjustment.

It's really like a trial run for a long term relationship. So if it doesn't work out in the early phases, it is definitely not going to work out over the long term. And also, you know, in today's day and age, plenty of couples are choosing not to get married. So commitment can really look different for everyone.

Yeah, we moved in together after about a year and a half of dating and for us it was such a great thing because it really helped make us feel extra confident that marriage was the right thing.

All right, bad dating rule number six. If you fight, it means you're passionate. Now I don't know if we should blame this one on bad soap operas or intense Hollywood movie scenes, but there's this idea that overly emotional fights mean that you're just passionately fighting for your love. But this is a recipe for disaster. And I think we can you both speak to this from personal experience. Now don't get me wrong, I am the first to preach how normal it is for couples to have conflict. In fact, we truly believe that conflict is an opportunity for growth within a partnership. But there is a huge difference between disagreements or hurt feelings and these full fledged breaking plates kind of drama that you see in the movies.

Yeah. So like if every other night you and your partner are having screening matches, it doesn't mean that you're passionate. It means it's probably time to seek out some counseling and maybe break up.

All right, so that wraps up our least favorite dating rules. If you like this video, please give it a like or better yet comment down below which rule you have fallen for in the past. And make sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel for more free resources.

And we have a free gift for you. So if you find yourself successful utilizing these dating tips and creating your own rules about your relationship, and then you find yourself wanting to get more comfortable about asking for what you want in the bedroom because that can be awkward and scary, you're definitely going to want to download our free guide how to start talking about sex with your partner, even if you never have before. It includes a step by step process, our two favorite conversation openers, and some bonus tips for making sure that conversation is the same success.

Make sure to click the link in the description box to download.

See you next time.

Thanks for watching. Tripped over my tongue.