A conversational YouTube video (hosts Vanessa and Xander Marin) examining whether and how former romantic partners can transition to a healthy friendship. Key points: be honest about motives (grief, guilt, or genuine platonic interest), allow time to grieve rather than rushing into friendship, set clear boundaries (avoid romantic settings and sex), ensure prior respect existed, and be transparent with new partners (communicate feelings, avoid sneaking contact). The video closes by directing viewers to a podcast episode 'Should We Break Up?'.
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We need to start a video. Let's stay friends. Oh, one of the biggest breakup cliches out there, right along with it's not you, it's me. I swear.
Is it really? Is it ever?
So today we're talking about can you really be friends with your ex? Is it even worth trying? Is this just one big cliche or is this something we should all be striving for? So before we get into it, we first want to hear from you. Do you think that it is possible to truly be just friends with an ex? Let us know down in the comments below and if you have any juicy stories to share.
Oh, yes.
Let us know that we love them. So in this video, we are going to be talking about what you need in order to have a healthy relationship with your ex and also how to navigate having your ex as a friend if you are starting to date somebody new.
But before we get into all that, we want to introduce ourselves, especially if you're brand new. This is Vanessa. I'm Xander Marin. Vanessa is a sex therapist. I'm a Ray regular dude. And we've been together for 14 years.
And our account is all about giving you the tools, tips and techniques that you need to create a truly extraordinary relationship. Inside of the bedroom and out. So if you know you are interested in that, I know you are, just go ahead and hit that subscribe button so you get notified about all of our latest videos. So if you want to be friends with your ex, there are a variety of ingredients that you're going to need. So we are going to go over them. One is honesty.
Probably the biggest one.
Probably, yeah. I think it's really important for you to be honest with yourself about what it is that you're really looking for because friendship sounds like just like a nice, straightforward thing. But there can actually be a lot of different dynamics at play if it's with somebody that you recently dated. So are you wanting to be friends in hopes that maybe it'll then transition into something more, it'll get rekindled at some point in the future? Or are you wanting to be friends because you're just feeling kind of like sad and lonely and having a hard time letting go of this person? And I think with that in particular, there's something to be said about like all those little moments of connection that we have in relationships. Like, you know, that person is the one that you call first to, like, share everything. They're the one that you watch your favorite shows with or you have these like relationship rituals and sometimes those little Rituals can be the things that are really hard to let go of. You might find yourself, like, reaching for the phone and. And, you know, it's really just more because you're missing, like, having all those rituals. Another reason might be, are you trying to avoid feeling guilt? So maybe you broke this person's heart and you're sort of trying to soften things by telling them, like, oh, no, no, we'll remain friends. I'll still be in your life. I'll still be there for you, I promise. Or do you genuinely want a platonic relationship with them? And if that's the case for you, I think it's also worth asking yourself, like, was there enough of a friendship there in the first place? Like, is there enough foundation there, enough of a separate relationship to, like, even go back to.
Yeah, because I think a lot of people say that they want to be friends, but the reality is, if you haven't actually been friends with this person before you were dating, you might find it challenging to start up a new friendship sort of from the ashes of your relationship. All right, so the other thing to consider is the time between the breakup and. And this friendship. I think the biggest mistake that we see a lot of people make is really rushing into a friendship feeling like we have to be friends immediately. And, like, you know, the day after you break up, like, starting to do friend things. The reality is you probably won't be able to go right from a relationship to a friendship immediately because there's, you know, some pain and some grief that you, both of you, need to go through around a breakup. A breakup is never easy, and so you know that, like, seeing that person again immediately and trying to do friend things but not, you know, relationship things can be really challenging. Also, it's important to point out if there is a real friendship to be had between the two of you, it can wait. There is. There is no rule that says that if you are not in contact with someone for a couple weeks or a couple months, that you can't be friends after that.
Another thing that you're going to need to be friends with an ex is good boundaries. You might want to put some boundaries in place, like, no romantic settings for hangouts. Like, no going back to, like, your favorite little couple spots together. You might want to put boundaries around how you communicate, like, how often you communicate, what forms of communication you guys have. Not doing romantic things together. It's just really. It's too easy to fall into old habits if you're doing all those coupley things together that you Used to do. And of course, there's the big topic of sex.
Sex.
So if you're really serious about having, like, a true and lasting friendship, do not muddy the waters with this person by also having sex with them.
I think it's also important that there's a history of respect in your prior relationship with this person. If there hasn't been this prior history of respect in your relationship or in a friendship beforehand, it's very unlikely that there's going to be respect in this friendship. And. And that's not going to be good for either of you.
All right, so now let's transition into talking about what to do if you are dating somebody new in a relationship with somebody new, and you're still trying to stay friends with your ex at the same time. So key. The number one key here is to really communicate clearly with your partner. So give them an opportunity to share with you. Like, how do they feel about you being friends with your ex?
Yeah. Because they get to have feelings about that.
Yeah. And I think it's important to prioritize your current partner's feelings over your ex feeling. So if your current partner is feeling really nervous or hesitant about it, like, it's. It's important to, like, acknowledge and honor those feelings that they're having. On the flip side of that coin, though, you also want to be wary for signs of your new partner, like, being controlling. Like, if you really have a very genuine, solid friendship with your ex, maybe it's been, like, years since the two of you dated, you know, and then your new partner, you're like, two months into it, and your partner's like, you have to cut all ties with this person. Like, that can definitely get into tricky territory, too. But I think, in general, like, a good rule of thumb is to prioritize the feelings of the person that you're currently with.
Another test, so to speak, is, do you act the same around your ex when your new significant other is around? If the answer is no, that's probably an issue. That's probably saying that, you know, you have a bit of a different relationship with your ex than the relationship you have told your significant other about. So that could be a challenge. It's really just transparency is the key here. You know, if you are. If you are having the type of relationship with your ex that you are telling your significant other about, then that is all good. But if there is a mismatch between what you're doing and what you're saying, that's a recipe for disaster.
And that's even A good, like, little litmus test to use in the moment. Like, catch yourself and say, like, okay, if my current partner walked into the room right now, would I feel comfortable with them seeing what's going on here?
Yeah, definitely.
Another thing to check in with yourself about is, are you ever sneaking around?
This one goes hand in hand.
Yeah, it's a little more overt here. But if you ever catch yourself, like, secretly communicating with your ex when you said that you wouldn't, or at times that seem inappropriate, or secretly meeting up with your ex, like, obviously, these are not great signs.
It's also important to be aware of your and your ex's intentions with this new friendship or with the friendship you already have with them. Like, like we were saying before, is one or both of you holding out hope that you'll someday rekindle the flame? You know, even if you're really clear that you just want to be friends, your ex may be hoping that it will go back to more. So that's an important thing to talk about or just to get a sense of. I think, you know, a lot of people sometimes have this idea that, oh, yeah, you know, they're. They're holding out hope, but I'm not going to let that happen. And, you know, that's. Then you're kind of stringing your ex along in a way.
All right, so that wraps up our video on being friends with your ex. Now, if you're watching this video, you may actually be considering a breakup right now. Like, oh, maybe we'll break up, but we can still stay friends. So we actually wanted to direct you over to our podcast. We have a podcast called Pillow Talks, and we did an episode called called Should We Break Up?
It is not actually about Vanessa and me breaking up. Hate to break it to you.
Little spoiler alert there. So in this episode, we share stories, real stories from our community of people who are struggling to figure out whether or not to break up or stay together. We go through the stories and share our best advice. It's a really interesting listen, so we will put the link to that in the description box below.
All right, we really hoped you liked this video. If you did, please hit the like button. You can also hit the red button to subscribe. Subscribe to our channel and hit the notification icon so you keep getting notified as soon as we post more videos.
