Can I Watch PORN? - Porn And Long Term Relationships

All right, today we are asking a really big question.

The tough questions.

We've been asking a lot of big questions lately, but this is another big one. Is it okay to watch porn when you're in a long term relationship? Hey, there we are. Vanessa and Xander Marin. We are married. We've been together since 2007. And our mission is to equip you with the tools that you need to create an extraordinary relationship, even inside of the bedroom and out. If we haven't met before, I am a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex and relationships. I've spent the last 15 years working with thousands of people and I've served as a featured expert for magazines and websites like the New York Times, oh, the Oprah Magazine, Real simple and many more.

And I'm her husband. I used to work a pretty normal job in the corporate world, but I started seeing how much of an impact Vanessa was having in her day to day work and I decided to join her so that she could reach even more people. Plus, being married to a sex therapist does have its perks. I picked up some pretty good insight into what makes relationships work and not work. And I just like sharing stories from our real life so that they can help you have a better relationship.

So in this video we're going to be exploring the murky waters of porn and long term relationships and we're going to walk you through our 12 guidelines when it comes to watching porn. Is it cheating? Is it? Okay, stay tuned to find out.

This is a really tough subject to talk about because let's be real, almost everyone has watched porn at some point or another. Not trying to call you out, but we rarely talk about this stuff openly.

Not exactly a dining room table conversation.

No. Plus, the concept of porn can bring up some strong feelings and a lot of just gut reactions. Most people who watch it end up feeling embarrassed or ashamed to some degree. And a lot of people just worry about the ethical aspects of it, like objectification or degradation of women. And many people just think that watching porn is unacceptable, especially in a serious relationship. But here's the thing. This is what we believe. We believe every person or couple gets to choose their own boundaries when it comes to porn. And that's based on your own values or what feels right to you as a couple. We're not here to tell you that you have to start watching porn. We're also not here to tell you that you have to stop watching porn.

But if you're looking for our opinion, which we are assuming that you are, since you clicked on this video, we do think that porn can play a healthy role in relationships. Porn is problematic in so many ways, but the act of just watching sex scenes on film in and of itself is not necessarily going to cause harm to you or your relationship. The key with just about everything else in life is to be thoughtful and moderate about how you use it. So that's what we're going to be talking about here today.

Yeah. Since this is such a huge topic, we wanted to give you some guidelines for healthy porn usage. We're all different, and what works for one person or one relationship isn't necessarily going to work for another one. But we think it helps to have a starting place so you can discuss these guidelines with your partner. You can talk over some of the possibilities and then decide what feels right for your relationship. So These aren't like 12 things that you have to do. These are just 12 starting points for a conversation.

Exactly.

So let's get into it. These are our 12 porn guidelines.

All right, porn guideline number one, don't watch porn every day. So I just mentioned a second ago, we think that moderation is the key to just about everything in life, and porn is no exception. It's really best to moderate your consumption because the thing with porn is that it has this way of skewing our expectations. It also portrays sex in an incredibly unrealistic way. We'll get to that a little bit later. Yeah, but, you know, the more you watch it, the more those expectations are going to get skewed, then the more likely it is that your expectations will adversely affect your partner's sex life. So in general, we just think it's best to not make it a daily habit.

All right, guideline number two, don't watch porn every time you masturbate. So similarly, we don't recommend that you make a habit of watching it every single time or every single day. Watching porn disconnects you from the sensations in your body, since you're paying more attention to the screen than you are to yourself or how you're feeling. So if you're watching it every single time you masturbate, you're training your body basically to require porn in order to have an orgasm. So try masturbating without it at least half the time, let's say.

Yeah, there's this kind of simplified saying in neuroscience that the nerves that fire together wire together. So it's that idea of if you're doing something at the same time as you're masturbating, if you're doing it Every single time, you're getting those nerves to wire together. So you're just creating this connection in your brain that, oh, porn goes along with masturbation. Masturbation has to go along with porn. So you want to not create that connection, basically. So, yeah, you make sure you don't do it every single time. That's really helpful. Porn guideline number three is to take regular breaks from watching porn. And we recommend, like, somewhere in the range of two to four weeks. This just gives a little bit of space for your mind and your body to kind of reset to break some of those connections that may have been formed. Plus, if you can't manage even a very short break from porn, that's usually a really good sign that it's time to reevaluate your usage.

Yeah. All right, so guideline number four. Don't watch porn when you're feeling anxious, stressed, or upset.

This is a big one.

So in other words, you shouldn't turn to it to soothe your emotions. Porn can be a lot of fun to watch, but just like emotional eating doesn't help you cope with your emotions, neither does watching two people having sex.

Yeah, this is one that I see a lot with men. You know, men just speaking in very broad brushstrokes here are socialized to not be in tune with your emotions. You know, you're supposed to be a real man and not experience emotions. And so a lot of men get really uncomfortable when they are feeling something and end up tuning into things like porn to kind of distract themselves from their emotions because they haven't been given or taught the resources for dealing with it. So that's definitely something I see a lot in my practice. And it's really important to find other outlets for dealing with those emotions. Porn guideline number five, when you watch porn, pick just one video and stick with it. So in other words, don't cycle through looking for the perfect clip or angle or moment, especially as you're getting close to orgasm. This is, again, something I see in my practice all the time. People get really obsessed with finding that perfect moment to have their orgasm, too. And it's just, you know, when you're making all these switches like this, it's creating constant stimulation, constant hits of dopamine, and it just trains your brain and your body to be less focused and more distracted. So just find something you like and write it out for the whole time.

Just write it out. All right, guideline number six is when you watch porn and masturbate regularly, take your eyes off the screen and look down at your own body.

Very simple, practical things, but very important.

This is actually a really good tip if you just work at a computer all day too. Take your eyes off the screen a little bit and move them around. Believe me, it will do wonders for your eyes and your brain. No, I'm not kidding. But seriously, pay attention to the sensations that you're feeling. Oftentimes over consumption of porn ends up dulling our own senses and makes us kind of lose connection with ourselves. And this can lead to orgasm problems down the road. So even as you're watching porn, take time to check back in and acknowledge your own body.

Porn guideline number seven. Recognize that sex in porn is different from sex in real life. It is crucially important that you recognize that porn sex is not real sex. Porn is meant to be entertainment and it is specifically produced to look as good as possible. And so in particular, don't expect things that seem to work in porn to work in the real world. I cannot tell you how many women I've talked to who get really turned off by their partner trying out these very obvious, like, porn moves on her. We know what you're doing and we don't like it. So you want to make sure that you're figuring out what the person that you are having sex with enjoys instead of assuming that whatever it is that you've seen in porn is going to work for everyone. This is so important. I'm just going to say it again. Porn sex is not real sex.

And if you're not sure about that, just think about this. Every time the camera cuts, do you think it's really like, what's really happening between those cuts?

A lot of things.

I think a lot of things are happening that are not real life. All right, porn guideline number eight. If your partner's around and available, don't watch porn unless you've invited your partner to be intimate with you. So in other words, prioritize your living, breathing, beautiful partner over two dimensional actors on a little tiny screen. And this seems like a really straightforward rule, but it can have a huge impact on your relationship.

Yeah, I think this is one of the areas where couples get into the most trouble, is that they, you know, one partner feels like the other partner would rather watch porn than be intimate with them. And that can be really hurtful. So if you feel like you're more important to your partner, your partner would rather be with you, porn's gonna be less of an issue in your relationship.

Yeah, I think this is one of those things that can very easily Lead people to start feeling like watching porn is equivalent to cheating or something. Because you, you know, you train someone that you're less interested in them and someone else, it's gonna start to feel like that.

Absolutely. Porn guideline number nine is very similar. So in the same vein, don't watch porn if you just turned your partner down for sex. So if your partner is trying to connect with you, it is really not fair to say no to them. But then go watch porn and sex. Like that's going to create those exact same dynamics we just talked about with the previous guideline. So I just want to say I get that masturbating and sex are two different experiences. Sometimes we're more interested in one than the other. But still, the bottom line here is that you want to prioritize your partner over porn. So if your partner wants to be intimate with you, but you're not feeling open to doing the full repertoire of what you guys usually do together, see if there's something different that you're open to instead. Just some sort of physical, intimate connection with your partner so that they don't feel like you're turning them down than wanting to be sexual with porn on your own.

Yeah. Okay. Guideline number 10. Don't watch porn if you're upset with your partner or especially if you've just gotten into a fight. Earlier, we mentioned that you shouldn't turn to porn to soothe your emotions. And the same reasoning applies here. But you want to be extra careful not to turn to porn after just having an argument with your partner. It's going to set up an unhealthy dynamic where porn seems more appealing than your partner. Kind of just like what Vanessa just talked about about in the last one. If you do find that you and your partner keep getting into the same arguments, you should check out our video, how to Make Up After a Fight, which we will link to right here.

Porn Guideline number 11. Watch good porn. So there is no denying that the porn industry is incredibly problematic. There is a lot of porn that is degrading, that is violent, that doesn't respect consent, that lacks diversity. We could go on and on and on, but there are also a number of porn studios out there that are working hard to create what's called ethical porn. So ethical porn is a broad umbrella term, but basically the idea here is that you're trying to create better porn so the actors consent to everything that they're doing. They're treated fairly and with respect. Much more diversity is shown. The acts depicted aren't degrading to anyone. Sensuality and real human connection are the focus. Sometimes you'll even find real life couples who are the stars of the film. So if you dislike mainstream porn, you may find it really appealing to support ethical porn.

Okay, Porn. The guideline number 12 watch porn together. Porn can bring you together instead of tearing you apart. Believe it or not. Watch sexy scenes and see you can hold out the longest before pouncing on the other person. Or watch it as you masturbate together.

Yeah, porn doesn't need to be this secretive thing that we only do by ourselves. It can. It can be something that we actually connect over together.

Yeah, it can be a good way for you and your partner to figure out what you like and get some ideas for trying new things. Not the ridiculous porn moves like flipping her upside down or something, but what.

Kind of porn are you watching?

I don't know.

So that wraps up our tips for navigating porn and long term relationships. So again, the most important thing is for you and your partner to talk about porn openly and honestly together and decide the rules that feel right for your relationship. You're going to agree with some of our guidelines, you're going to disagree with others, but hopefully we've provided you with a framework to have these really important conversations with your partner.

So if you like this video, please give it a like or better yet comment down below if this information helped you. Or let me know if I'm crazy about these upside down flip things.

Tell us your favorite flipping porn.

Tell us your favorite, worst, worst porny.

Yes, tell us your favorite worst porn move down in the comments.

Yeah, so yeah, let us know what you think. Let us know your worst move or the worst move you've seen and just what you think about this controversial topic. And we will try to respond to as many comments as we possibly can. Also, Just head over to our YouTube channel for more free resources.

And we also have a little gift for you. If you are new to talking about sex openly, you are definitely going to want to check out our free guide how to start talking about sex with your partner even if you never have before.

Probably a good idea before.

If you're watching this video thinking you want me to go talk to my partner about porn, you guys are crazy. Then maybe the guide is a good step for you. So this guide includes a step by step process, our two favorite conversation openers, and bonus tips for making sure the conversation is a success. So click on the link in the description box to download.

See you next time.

Thanks for watching. Porn porn porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn.

All right.

You can't say yes and then do a weird thing. I was about to start.