Childfree Marriage - Our Life Without Kids Update

I can't start a video like that.

Exactly one year ago, we published a video about how we are not planning to have kids. At the time, it was something we had never talked about publicly before, so it really felt like a huge deal to us.

Yeah, I remember us planning out that video and just having this big conversation of like, do we actually want to share this on the Internet? You know, we were really worried about what's the kind of judgment that we're gonna get from people. Are people gonna be really harsh or cruel in their comments? And so we were so nervous to be talking about it for the first time. We really weren't sure if it was something that we wanted to do or not. But now that a year has passed, actually it only took like really a couple of weeks for us to start seeing all the comments start to flood in of people thanking us for sharing our story. So there are tons of comments on that original video. I pretty sure it's still our number one video. We got, you know, hundreds of messages on Instagram of people who came over there to say hi or emails that people sent to us. And we really heard from people from all walks of life. We heard from other child free couples who said, thank you for saying this out loud and publicly. Like, it makes me feel better about my decision. We heard from people who are parents and said, like, it's just really brave of you guys to discuss the pros and cons and even people who are saying, you know, I'm so glad that I have children, but I do wish that there had been more open and transparent conversations of the effects that children can have on your life and your relationship. Again, not that it was they made the wrong decision, but just that they wanted more of those open conversations. And we also heard from lots of couples who are still undecided and feeling a lot of pressure and stress about like, gosh, how do we make this really big decision? You know, we're so worried about it. So it's been great hearing from everyone and getting all of your support. Seriously, it means the world to us. It may look like we're having a lot of fun up here, but a lot of times the things that we're saying are very vulnerable and it feels really scary to put that out there. So we just can't tell you enough how much we appreciate your support.

Thank you.

So in today's video, we are going to do a little bit of a follow up and check in on how we've been feeling. Exactly one year later, have we changed our minds do we already have a kid? So we're also going to share some of the comments from that original video.

Well, if you're brand new to our channel, then hello, we are Vanessa and Xander Marin. Vanessa here is a sex therapist, and we've been together for 13 years.

And our channel is all about giving you the tools, tips, and techniques to create a truly extraordinary relationship inside of the bedroom and out. So if you already know you're interested in that, just go ahead and hit that subscribe button right now.

So in case you didn't see our original video, we'll include a link to that right here. Be forewarned, though, the quality is pretty low. That was before we had a proper YouTube setup. Not that we have a proper setup, but not this nice little backdrop, better camera, all that stuff.

We have upgraded majorly. When I look back at that video, I'm like, oh, my gosh, I'm so grateful that people are watching it because it's. It's of interesting quality. We were just trying to get started.

Thanks for sticking with us. So in that video, we talk about our reasons for not wanting to have kids and our journey to coming to that decision together. So, quick recap. We talked about things like emotional, financial, and the environmental impact of having kids. We talked about how our lives already feel really full and satisfying, exactly as they are right now. And we love having the space that we do in our lives for our.

Relationship and each other and most importantly, for us. And I think this is also the thing that has resonated with the most people, is that we haven't felt the active desire to have a kid. We haven't felt that, like, tugging on our heart. Like, we want a child. We want to bring a life into this world. And what I said in the original video is that we both believe that children really deserve to be wanted, not to be brought into this world because their parents are unsure. Or maybe they'll think they're going to regret it later. But, like, actively, passionately wanted. And so that was, again, a thing that really resonated with a lot of people, something that we are continuing to feel to this day. And we also talked about some of the things that we would feel sad to miss out on. We're going to talk about this in another minute in the video, but we mentioned in the original video things like, you know, not seeing each other take on the role of mother or father, not being able to talk to our parents and tell them, hey, you're going to be grandparents.

All right, so now let's talk a little bit about how we're feeling today. A year later and I guess whether or not we have a kid hiding behind the chair. Spoiler alert. We don't. But yeah, we're still feeling like we're probably, probably not going to have kids, but we're still not fully closing the door. We have talked about me getting a vasectomy in the near future, but no decision quite yet.

Yeah, just the other day I asked Xander, I was like, okay, what percentage of you wants to have kids? And I think you said 10%.

Did I?

Yeah. Which was really funny because I was about to say 10% too.

Well, I guess we're on the same page.

We are 90% not wanting to. 10% kind of wanting to.

Yeah, we're feeling really confident and supported, especially in deciding to be open about our thought process and kind of where we're at online. We also, in releasing that video realized there are so many more child free couples than we had ever thought. We kind of thought that we were an outlier and we just heard from a lot of people that were in a similar situation as we are and that felt really nice to know. It's also just felt really good hearing from you guys that you like to hear us being really vulnerable and that that's valu to you.

Yeah. So one thing that we have been going through over this last year is just really allowing ourselves to grieve what life could look like if we did have kids. So we've always tried to be really open about the fact that like, we think that there would be a lot of amazing things that having kids would bring into our lives. Like, I'm sure we would love that experience and love seeing our kids and being good parents. Like, I feel fully confident that both of us would be great parents. And so I think, you know, when you make a really challenging decision like this, a lot of us have the temptation to want to make the decision that we didn't make seem like the bad choice, you know, so it would be really easy for us to focus on like, oh yeah, kids are so hard and we'd fight all the time and they're so expensive. But like, that's, you know, it's just not realistic and it's not a good way to go about tough life decisions. Like when we make a tough decision in life, it's because both options, we can see them being good. So we don't think it's worth trying to ignore or banish all of the good things. So it's okay to acknowledge that there would be a lot of positive things that would come into our lives from having kids. Acknowledging that positivity like that doesn't mean that we've made the wrong decision. So there's a great piece by Cheryl Strayed. She writes about the Ghost Ship, where she kind of discusses, like, thinking about the two paths that your life could have taken based on what distinct decision you chose and that it's okay to grieve the Ghost ship, that, like, alternate path that your life could have taken. So there have definitely been plenty of moments for me where, you know, I'll see a really cute kid just being so adorable, and I'll feel that that moment of like, man, I wonder what my kid would look like. Or even I'll see Xander being really sweet with the pugs. And I'm like, I bet watching Xander be really sweet with our child would be this times a thousand.

Don't tell that to the pugs.

I know. Don't tell them. But, you know, I think it's just been a good and a healthy thing to let myself have those little moments of grief, of sadness, and I let myself feel them. Like that grief, in a weird way, is making me feel like I am making the right decision. Because it's like I'm being very honest and open and wholehearted about what that decision could look like on either way. I'm not trying to, like, ignore anything or reject anything. Right.

Yeah. I think a lot of us, when we make big decisions, are really tempted to turn it into, like, there's a really good decision and there's a really bad decision because we don't want to acknowledge. We don't want to have that tough conversation with ourselves about what are the things I'm going to miss out on by making, you know, by not making this decision and, you know, really feeling what that would be like. And, like Vanessa said, grieving for it. And so oftentimes all we do is we focus on the negative stuff about the decision we're not going to make, and we kind of, like, get. Demonize it a little bit. And that gets really hard because then we won't allow ourselves to acknowledge that there are things that could have made us happy.

So we also sort of have a new goal, too. There's something that has come up, you know, in our community over the last year. We've been talking more openly about us not wanting to be parents. We've been talking, you know, to parents, sharing stuff that, you know, parents share with us. And we've definitely noticed that there can be this dynamic of couples who decide to have kids and couples who decide not to have kids feeling like we're opponents, like we're kind of against each other in certain ways. And I think that both sides feel a lot of judgment from the other side. Like, people who choose not to have children, they feel like they're being judged for being selfish or immature or stuff like that. People who have kids feel like, you know, they're being judged for different reasons. And we just think that this dynamic is so unhelpful and so unnecessary. Like, we don't want to judge anybody. We're not saying because we make a decision that feels right for us in our lives. That does not mean we think you should be making that decision. We don't know what your lives look like. We don't know what your hearts look like. There's no way for us to tell you what you should do with your life. So I think that this, you know, this dynamic makes. Just creates a lot of unnecessary tension and feelings of resentment against each other. So what we're trying to do, you know, as respectfully and as delicately as we can, is try to break down a little bit of that barrier and recognize, you know, hey, parents, we see you. We respect the decision that you've made. We will never know what it feels like to be a parent, even if we did have kids. We will never know what it feels like for you to be a parent and, you know, to your kids in your family. So we never want to make assumptions about what people's lives look like, but we do want to help you feel as supported as possible. So with our Instagram community, for example, that's been things like asking parents, hey, what tips do you have that you can share with other parents? So we're not coming to you from a place of we know it all, here's exactly what to do. But yeah, really trying to recognize we can all support each other in the decisions that we make. Someone making a decision isn't a judgment of somebody else making a different kind of decision. And we think that the. We have a lot of energy and time that is freed up by us not having kids that we can funnel into supporting couples, parents, families that need our support.

Yeah. And we just, we all have so much to learn from each other. And, you know, if we play into this sort of like, dynamic where we each focus on, you know, ourselves, parents versus child free people, like, we're just gonna miss so many opportunities to each learn from each other. I know we personally have learned so Much from all of the people, parents in our community.

Absolutely.

All right, so now we want to share some of the comments that we received on our original video.

First one says, I click on each and every child free video because so few people are willing to speak about it. I think that was one of the first comments that we got and that really helped me realize, like, wow, people aren't talking about this. I mean, we did feel so vulnerable posting that video initially. But makes me feel good to know that there are other people who want to see these kinds of videos. Want to see these kinds of conversations.

Yeah. All right, the next one is. As a 66 year old woman who decided in my twenties to remain child free, I have no regrets at all. I am married for over 30 years, have a loving relationship, close friendships and lots of social interests. It's okay to decide either way. I'm just grateful that I had the choice to decide for myself. Many women in other societies don't get to decide it is expected or they are not valued.

Oh yeah, that's an extremely important point that she called out. And it's great to hear somebody talking about, you know, having a full rich life even without kids. I think that is a judgment that gets made of couples who choose not to have them. Like, oh, your lives are going to be meaningless in a way.

Yeah, no, it's just. Yeah, it's really great that we have the choice. We have the choice to do what we want around this.

It's a huge privilege. Absolutely. All right, the next one is a little bit long, but this is a great story that we just wanted to share with you guys. This person writes, I cannot thank you enough for making this video. It's the first one that I can actually relate to the very few child free videos I have seen. The woman has known from a very young age that she didn't want kids. Or the classic. Or she is the classic career woman, which is amazing. But that wasn't me. Like you and your husband, we married very young and have been together since 2008. We both talked about having kids and wanted it, but both agreed at a much later time. First it was after my husband got out of the Marine Corps. Then it was after he finished college. And then we ran out of excuses to kick the stone down the road until we finally said, is this what we want? I love kids, but like you, I just don't have that urge. My husband and I are happy to spend time with each other. We have three fur babies, love traveling, enjoy being financially stable. It's not completely off the table, but we are fairly certain that we will be a child free couple. The only thing that breaks my heart is not giving my parents a grandbaby exactly as you said. I've always imagined surprising them with their announcements and picturing their faces. I hate that I and they would miss out on that, but they've already assured us that they support our decision. Anyway. I'm sorry for the long ramble. It's just so good to not feel alone in such a huge decision. Thank you for being so open.

Yeah, I think it's really nice to just have a whole variety of perspectives on why you are child free because I think that they're definitely out there. There's a lot of ideas of like, oh well, you're only people that are like career women do this or people who have been struggling with medical issues or whatever the case may be. But you know, this is a decision that you are allowed to make, you know, whatever your situation is.

Absolutely. One other thing that we forgot to mention is that we've been really lucky to have two sets of parents who have been very supportive of our decision. We haven't felt any sense of pressure, guilt, anything like that. So we know that that's probably pretty unique, unfortunately, and we're just really grateful that we're we have that support from them.

Yeah, definitely. All right, the next one is. Wow. Thank you for sharing. This is such a taboo subject and people get so uncomfortable about it. So thank you for holding the space. If I heard this 10 years ago, I was in such a different space and wasn't open to exploring this topic. For someone who is having unexplained infertility struggles, this sure does open my eyes to having more of these open conversations. And I commend anyone who is so open and honest about not trying to choosing to have children. Not just being one sided in the conversation either, having both pros and cons to this topic. Thank you.

Thank you. So yeah, reading these comments, it just means so much to both of us. We were really nervous to put out that video initially, but the feedback that we have gotten has been so positive, so kind and it just again, like we said earlier, makes us feel really good about making this choice to share something so personal with you guys. So we hope that watching our videos has given you the confidence to live life on your own terms with children or without children. We really believe that each and every couple should have the right to make the decision that feels the best for them. And that couple is the only two people in the world who know what is truly right for them. And if you are still trying to decide for yourself whether or not you want to have children, we also have a video all about the decision process, some steps that we walk you through about how to decide what the right choice is for you. So we'll include a link to that video in the description box or you can also click on it right up here.

All right, that wraps up our one year update video on our decision to be child free. So if you're liking these videos please please please give us a like hit that red button down below to subscribe to our channel and click the notification icon. So you keep getting these videos as soon as we post them. Seriously, all that stuff helps us so so much and if you got to the end here, I think you're probably maybe kind of into it. So please help us out.

Thanks so much for watching. We'll see you next.

Time.