Distracted During SEX? How To Stay Present

Hello and welcome.

Hello.

We have a new setup this week. We are doing fireside chats now.

It's very exciting.

Very exciting. So we have a question for you today.

Yes.

Have you ever been in the middle of getting down with your partner?

Oh, yeah.

When you realize that your mind is somewhere else.

Oh, no.

Uh.

Oh.

You might find yourself thinking about what you're gonna have for dinner that night or how you're gonna have to pick up your dry cleaning later that day. We have all been there.

Oh, yeah. And it never feels very good to real you or your partner are completely distracted during sex. So today we're gonna talk about how to be more present during sex.

Sounds good. Hey, there we are. Vanessa and Xander Marin.

Hey.

If we haven't met yet, we are a married couple. We've been together since 2007. And it is our mission to equip you with the tools that you need to create an extraordinary relationship. Inside of the bedroom and out. So I'm a licensed psychotherapist. I've spent the last 15 years working with thousands of people, and I've gotten to serve as a featured exper for major magazines and websites like the New York Times, oh, the Oprah Magazine, Real simple, and many more.

And I'm her husband, Xander. I used to work a pretty normal job in the corporate world, but I started seeing how much of an impact Vanessa was making in her work, and I realized I needed to join her so that we could reach even more people. Along the way, I've picked up some pretty good insight into what does and doesn't make relationships work. And I just like sharing real life examples from our life to help you.

You really just wanted to spend your work Fireside chats, right?

Oh, yeah.

Sounds a little bit better. All right, so in this video, we are going to talk about how you can let go of distracting thoughts in the moment so that you can be more present with your partner, with yourself, with all the fun that you're having during sex. So we're going to talk about how normal it is to get distracted, because everyone does. And we're going to talk about these practical steps that you can take to practice being more present.

Yeah, there's no denying that distraction. It's everywhere these days. You know, we've got endless information at our fingertips, and it can be really hard to just sit still and be present in the moment. So before we even get into our tips, we just want to take a moment to normalize the fact that distractions happen. It's pretty much impossible to Stay completely focused on anything for a long period of time.

I am actually distracted right now by our pugs who are sleeping behind the camera.

They're very cute, but I'm hoping that.

They don't snore and interrupt. So, you know, sex is no exception. Like, we get distracted all points throughout the day. Like, we get distracted during sex, too. So everyone's mind wanders during sex from time to time. So, you know, for me personally, I have thought about some pretty weird stuff in the middle of sex. I have definitely thought about whether or not aliens exist. I've thought about whether my dead relatives could be watching me having sex from the afterlife. I've thought about when was the last time that I took a bath? Or what's my sixth grade teacher up to these days?

Uh oh.

Lots of weird thoughts. Weird things just pop into your head during sex.

Thanks, Vanessa. Well, you know, the point of this video is not to help you prevent your brain from having these thoughts, because we can't do that. Instead, we want to teach you how to minimize the impact of those thoughts. So let's get into the top seven tips for less distraction in the bedroom.

All right, Tip number one, move distractions.

Yes.

So if you don't want to get distracted during sex, you can set yourself up for success or sex.

Sex.

We did not practice that, I swear. You can set yourself up for success by minimizing potential distractions beforehand. So here's how this works. After you watch this video, go up into your bedroom, take a good look at it, and think about what are the things that usually distract you during sex? And then go ahead and remove or get rid of or take care of those things that usually distract you. So it might be piles of paper or you have mail that you know you need to get to. Maybe there's laundry everywhere. Your environment really sets the mood for sex. So just try to remove anything that does not serve you.

And you can set yourself up for success in the moment, too. So right before you're getting down, you can tidy up the room. If you have kids and you're worried about privacy, just try locking the door. And if you have pets like us, give them a treat before you close the door. Whatever you need to do to minimize distractions, just try to get it done.

I think a lot of people really underestimate this tip. Like, you think like, oh, why does it really matter? There's just some laundry in the corner.

It'll only be a minute.

Yeah, but it really makes such a big difference when your environment is nice and Set up and you feel like you can just relax instead of be thinking about a million different things.

Kind of like how people love hotel sex. Try to make your bedroom a hotel. It's clean, it's tidy, no distractions.

Now, we have one particular tip for people who are serial phone checkers. Or if your partner is, we have the perfect video for you. It's all about the concept of bubbing, which is when you ignore your partner for your phone. So we will include a link to that video right up here.

All right, so tip two is purge your thoughts. So if it feels like you have an endless stream of thoughts running through your head at all times, another way that you can set up for success is by taking, like five minutes to just write down those thoughts before you have sex with your partner. You can write it in a journal or on a scrap of paper, or open up a note on your phone, or just write freeform and let the words flow without any editing. You can acknowledge any anxieties that you may be feeling in the moment. And you can write down thoughts about your day even. You can even write down your to do list.

Yeah, just getting everything out there out of your brain and onto a piece of paper, onto your phone, it can create this really wonderful mental release. So sometimes physical writing, like the physical act of it, can be cathartic in and of itself, but you can also just get this relief in knowing that you've put all those thoughts aside. You are going to come back to them later. You won't forget it. This is especially helpful if it's a to do list. You know that, like, it's all written down. I'm not going to forget things. I can let my mind go while I'm having sex. So again, this is another one that seems like just silly little trick, but in the moment, it can be shockingly helpful.

Yeah. So tip number three is acknowledge your thoughts. So let's say you've done your best to set yourself up for success, but your partner's on top of you, and you're finding yourself thinking about when you're going to be able to get in to see the dentist next or something ridiculous like that. So despite your best efforts, you're going to have plenty of times when those distracting thoughts just creep into your mind at the most inopportune of times. But that's just the way our brains work. But what do we do?

Okay, so what most people do is they start beating themselves up for thinking about something random during sex. They start feeling really guilty. They feel really Bad. And that gets even more distracting. Then they get even more upset with themselves for being so distracted, and then you get even more distracted. So it just creates this horrible, maddening spiral out of control. Instead, we want you to try something completely different. So the next time you find yourself having an unwanted distracting thought, try simply acknowledging that you're having a distracting thought. So don't fight it, just acknowledge it.

Yeah. The trick here is to not let yourself get carried away with the thought. You just want to let the thought be without letting it take up any more space in your brain. So if you do get carried away with a thought, that might sound something like, hmm, that Zoom birthday call is this weekend. I think I'm supposed to wear a costume for it. Maybe I can use one of the kids outfits. Is that a good idea? I can remember to look in the garage for that outfit. Shoot. Oh, and I've got to talk to Dave about whether or not the kids should join the call. God, if the kids can't, I'll need to come up with another plan. Great. That's one more thing I need to worry about. And that is not what you want to be thinking about during sex. Right?

Yeah. A really long time can go by if you're just letting the thought continue on and on. On.

Yeah. So, you know, just acknowledging that thought might simply sound like, okay, I'm having a thought about that Zoom birthday call this weekend, but I'm gonna come back to it later.

Yeah. So it's like you're acknowledging that you're having it, but you're not letting yourself get carried away in it. So we know that the idea of even acknowledging the thought can feel really frustrating because you don't want to be having distracting thoughts in the first place.

You don't even want to acknowledge that it's happening.

Yeah, but, you know, by simply just naming the thought, acknowledging that it's there, that actually helps you step outside of the thought. So rather than thinking through all these details of when you're supposed to join and what you're supposed to wear and all this stuff, you know, you're taking this wider angle and you're merely acknowledging that the thought is there. So it's a much, much more successful way of refocusing than trying to banish yourself from ever thinking anything other than sex. And definitely much more effective than beating yourself up and going down that maddening distraction spiral.

Yeah, definitely. Alright, tip four is focus on your breath. So another simple but very powerful technique is just to breathe. There's been so much research about the power of breath. Focusing on your breath can help soothe your anxiety. It can help release your thoughts and connect you to your body. It can even help you relax and improve your mood.

I'm doing it right now.

Me too. When you feel yourself getting distracted, just try taking some slow, deep breath breaths. In through the nose and out through your mouth. You can even try counting your breaths. Count to five on the inhale, hold for five and then count to five on the exhale. This gives you something to focus on other than your weird random thoughts.

Yeah, I like a little trick like that because it gives your brain something to do. Your brain feels like it's active and it's counting, you know. But it's much less distracting than thinking about the Zoom birthday call or aliens.

Yeah, weird stuff. Hopefully not aliens. Don't think about aliens while you're having sex, guys.

Alright, Tip number five is to focus on sensation. So this is pretty similar to the last tip, but you can instead focus on the sensations that you're feeling in your body. So this is a really great way to bring your energy back into the present moment. So you can take a second to ask yourself, what am I feeling right now? What's going on in my body right now? So maybe you feel the fluff of your soft blankets on your skin or maybe you feel your partner's breath on your neck. So whatever sensations you're feeling in the moment, focus your attention on them and really feel what that feels like in your body. Now this technique is not only going to help you stay more present in the moment, but it actually increases the amount of pleasure that you feel during sex because you're paying more attention to it.

Everyone likes that. Yes. So tip number six is make eye contact. Our next tip. Yeah, just make eye contact with your partner. Eye contact can feel really vulnerable and this can be a great way to jolt yourself back into the moment. It's also a good reminder that there's another person there with you other than that crazy person in your head.

All right, now tip number seven is to remind yourself why you want to be present. So this final tip is really about checking in with your why. So why is it that you want to be present during sex? Why is it important enough to you that you're watching this entire video about it? So maybe your intention is to be present so that you can feel more connected with your partner and prioritize your relationship. Maybe your intention is to be present so you can have an orgasm. So take some time right now to identify your why and share it with us down in the comments below. Now, whatever your particular why is, try redirecting your attention to that in the moment. So after you think about a distracting thought, come back to what is my why in that moment? So you can even present it as an option to yourself. So you could say to yourself something like, all right, I can keep thinking about that asshole who cut me off on the freeway, or I can enjoy finally getting a chance to be alone with my incredibly sexy partner. Or all right, I can spend all of my mental energy worrying about when I'm gonna work out, or I can spend it on these beautiful breasts in front of me. Not there. Sorry. You can also play around with the tone of it. So you could try being really gentle with your all right, it's okay to feel annoyed that my client no showed today, but I'll have plenty of time to worry about that later. Or you might want to try being a little sassy, like am I really going to think about my sister while I'm having sex? So these kinds of statements, they just help bring you back into the moment and help you really focus on and remember what is truly important to you.

So that wraps up our video on how to stay present in the bedroom. If you liked it, please give it a like and let us know in the comments if you distraction is something that you are struggling with and make sure to hit that red button to subscribe to our channel. And while you're at it, click the notification icon so you keep getting notified as soon as we put more videos up.

And as always, we have a little gift for you. So if you're in a long term relationship and you're struggling to keep your sex life steamy, then you're definitely going to want to check out Our free guide 3 Simple Daily Habits to keep the spark alive in your relationship. We revealed the top three habits for keeping your relationship and your sex life exciting. And the best part is that they only take a few minutes a day. So click the link in the description box to download. Thank you so much for watching.

See you next time.