Ep 139: Xander’s Vasectomy Pt. 2: Answering Your Questions About Pain, Performance, And Masculinity

I get why people are asking about volume. I guess I get the texture thing, but, like, the color, like, no, it's not green. It's like, it's not orange, I guess. I mean, green would be cool. Like, green means go, green means go. You're good.

You're good to go.

Good to fuck.

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20 years of experience, and I'm just.

Just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Thanks to Cozy Earth for continuing to support Pillow Talks. Give the gift of a good night's rest with cozy earth. Get 35% off site wide when you use code pillowtalks@cozyearth.com and thanks to brand new sponsor Earth Breeze for supporting our show right now. Save 40% when you subscribe to Earth Breeze. Go to earthbreeze.com pillow to get started. Snip snap. Snip snap, bitches.

We back.

We're back for the vasectomy episode part 2. 2.

Should we name it Snip Snap? We back.

I think it has to be two Snip Snaps. Snip snap. Snip Snap. Part two. You know?

Okay, but I like we back because that rhymes. Snap.

Okay, sure. Snip snap. Snip snap. We back. Part two of Xander's vasectomy journey.

Except we do this. We do. Say it again. Snip snap. Snip snap. And then we both say we back together.

Really?

Okay, she's giving me that look like we're going to edit this out, right? Okay, that was not my intention, but I'm just trying to be cute. All right, let's go.

Snip snap. Snip snap.

We. That's pretty good.

That was really cheesy.

That's pretty good. I think that our podcast could do with more of that in the introductions. What do you think?

I'm gonna. I'll leave it to our editor. Decide if that's gonna stay in there or if that's just too wildly cheesy. But we are back with part two of our vasectomy episode. So in part one, we really walked you through Xander's entire experience. We talked about, like, the Timeline, getting things set up, what the procedure was like, what recovery was like. So if you haven't listened to that episode yet, definitely go back and check it out. It's only two episodes previous. It's 1:37. That's that one. But we put a call out to our Instagram community and we said, what are your questions about vasectomies? And there were so many questions that really highlighted a complete lack of information, misinformation, and a lot of fear mongering about this procedure. And so we really felt like we've got to do two episodes about this. We really want it to dive deep and clear up all of these misconceptions. So in today's episode, we are answering questions like, are orgasms as good? Has Xander been having any performance issues since the procedure?

Have I? We'll see.

Do we really trust that the vasectomy worked? And some tips for how to talk to your man if you want him to consider getting a vasectomy.

But before we do all that, we are giving you our review of the week. All right, guys, it doesn't say sexually active. It says sexually active. Then please listen. This review has been a long time coming, but my ADHD brain keeps forgetting to leave one. I heard Vanessa ages ago on a guest po. Wait.

Oh, my God, your brain.

Hold on.

Wait, let's put that in there. Also, I love that you're copying my dumb little snaps to restart.

I just don't want to do the.

Whole time your brain just, like, short circuited.

All right, you can. Yeah, whatever. You can.

Try.

I don't care.

Try it again. Start over the full sentence.

Oh, I will. I heard Vanessa ages ago as a guest on a podcast episode with Liz Moody, and I was instantly enamored with V's approach to sex. The openness, honesty, and inclusivity of her and X kept me hooked from there on out. And I absolutely love the different points of view that X brings to the POD as it relates to penis owners. There's two sides to every story, so the open discussions that VY have regarding these different points of view are so helpful when it comes to having a better understanding of how your partner might be seeing a situation. I encountered a recent situation with my new boyfriend regarding his misbehaving penis, and I remembered VNX had a whole episode about it. I went back and listened again, so all the information was fresh, and my boyfriend and I had a really good conversation about it. I was able to use V and X's tips to approach the situation in a way that would not make my boyfriend feel any unintended negative emotions. And the results were basically instantly, thank you vnx for making this kind of information accessible. And then there's a lot of emojis, little shock, a heart, please, taco, banana, penis, squirt, donut, eggplant. A lot of sexy time happening here.

Well, thank you for this delightful review. And it is referencing episode 47, what penis performance problems really mean. That's a good one. I love that this person said, like, I've been meaning to write this review such a long time, but I keep forgetting it. I think that is the experience of so many people. So if you just listen to that and you were like, oh, God, I have been meaning to write a review for a long time coming as well.

Just do it.

Just do it. Please take this as your sign. The reviews really go so far in helping the podcast grow, helping us reach new audiences. So we really appreciate it and we do this giveaway every week as our way of saying thank you. So once you leave us a review in Apple Podcasts, just scroll down to the bottom of the main Pillow Talks page and you'll find the review section. You are automatically entered every week going forward into our giveaway. And if you hear your review read in an episode, then you can email us@infomtherapy.com to claim your prize. There is a prize, and you even get to pick what your prize is. Okay, let's get into the episode. First question we got was, were you worried you would end up changing your minds? And did either of you have a moment of panic when you realize that K were truly not possible now? So in part one of the episode, we talked about, like, how we came to the decision that the vasectomy was, like, the right option for us. And we also referenced episode 37 of the podcast where we talk about our child free journey. But a lot of people, despite us sharing that, still felt like, okay, but now that it's, like, really not possible that you can't have kids now, do you regret it? So, yeah. Did you have that moment of panic?

No, I really did not. And I think that the reason for that is that this was not a split second decision. This wasn't a like, oh, I made this decision this week or even this month or even this year. This was a very long time in the making. You know, Vanessa and I have felt very clear that we don't want to have kids for a long time now. We've talked about me getting a vasectomy for a long time. Now I knew that it was coming in the next year or two for a long time now the only thing that changed was we pushed the timeline up very slightly. And so, I mean, in a way, I was almost just like, great, like, I don't have to, like, I. I'm going to get it done. I don't have to, you know, think about it anymore.

Yeah.

So, no, I was not worried that I would, I would change my mind. I guess I can kind of like, see where people could think this is kind of. I don't know. For some reason, this question reminds me a bit of like, you know, doing something more permanent to your body, like getting a tattoo or something. I used to be super worried about. I have one tattoo, which I love. I used to be my. My reason for not getting a tattoo for a long time was like, oh, well, I don't know if, like, I can trust myself to really, like, know that that's what I'm going to want forever. And then, you know, you always hear about people getting tattoos that they regret. But, like, I think the reality is that most of that is, like, when it's more of a split second decision, like, oh, I'm out with my friends and like, we're all getting tattoos and like, oh, just open up the book and pick something. And if that's the way that you're making decisions, then, yeah, there's a much higher likelihood that you are going to regret that or just, you know, when you have enough time to think something through and really feel into if that's what you want. So, you know, yeah. If we had never talked about me getting a vasectomy and Vanessa just came to me one day and was like, I'm getting my IUD out, like, like, you know, shit or get off the pot. And I had to make a decision, really split second. Then, yeah, I could see how maybe something like that could come up. But this was not that situation. We had thought about this for so long, talked about it for so long. So, no, I regret nothing.

So even more practically, someone asked, are vasectomies easily reversible if we change our minds about having kids?

All right, so the short answer is that, yes, it is reversible. I wouldn't characterize it as easily reversible like it is. It is reversible, but I think the procedure is a bit harder than the. The original vasectomy. So if this is your. If the question is, you know, oh, well, can I get it reversed if we change our minds? If you are in a place where you're thinking there's a decent chance, or like, you really think, like, oh, yeah, well, I might change my mind in a couple of years. A vasectomy is probably not the right procedure for you. And furthermore, when you go to the doctor, you know, hopefully, like, a good urologist is going to ask you a couple of questions about how certain are you about this, because, you know, no doctor wants you to have more surgical procedures than you need. Doctor doesn't want to give you a procedure only to have you ask for it to be reversed in a couple of years. So if you go to a urologist and you're honest with them and you're like, oh, you know, I'm like, 75% sure if it's a good doctor recommendation, they're not gonna. They're gonna say, I don't feel good about giving you this procedure. You should not have this procedure. So if this is your perspective, probably not the procedure for you. However, if you're one of those people where you're just like, oh, well, I'm. You know, there's always a 1% chance that my mind could change. Like, yes, it can be reversed. But, yeah, if you tell your doctor that you're. There's a decent chance, like, you're not gonna get a vasectomy. Okay.

How do you feel emotionally now that you've had it done? And do you have any tips for how to navigate the emotional experience of it?

All? Right, good question. So for me, the emotional recovery was. Was pretty quick. What I will say, and I think this is a really good tip for anyone that is doing. It is. It is a medical procedure. It is a minor surgical procedure. And, you know, any kind of surgical procedure is like. Is a traumatic event. Like, anytime anybody is, you know, cutting you with anything or, you know, putting something inside of you, starting to sound sexual. But. But the reality is, anytime you are getting any kind of surgical procedure, even if it's a minor one, like, that is a bit of a traumatic event. And so, you know, I realized afterwards, especially just the. Right after the procedure, like, then the night afterwards, like, I was like, yeah, that was. That was a bit scary. Like, I found myself feeling anxious in the moment. I found myself feeling a bit scared. If you've listened to the first episode, you'll know that I very, very quickly, kind of like halfway passed out right at the end of it. And so, you know, that's a. You know, that's something that has happened to me a number a couple of times before when getting blood drawn and stuff and that in and of itself, for me, like, it is a scary moment. Like, coming to is a kind of, like, disorienting thing. And fortunately I wasn't all the way passed out, so it wasn't as disorienting. But, you know, for me, it was super helpful that night of. To just be able to share with Vanessa. Like, yeah, that was. That. That was scary. There were a couple scary moments and, you know, and like, yeah, I'm feeling in a bit of discomfort. You know, I'm icing my balls, you know, having to take like a bunch of Tylenol and ibuprofen and, you know, I can, you know, it's not super comfortable to walk around. Like, yeah, that, you know, that was a bit scary. And just being able to say those words was so helpful. Like, I woke up the next morning and all of the kind of emotional charge around the memory of it or just the, you know, that that residual, like, fear or anxiety was totally gone. And I really credit that it's two things. Like, yes, space and time helps, but I think also just the acknowledgement.

Yeah.

Of that feeling. And so I would really encourage any men out there doing this. Like, be honest with yourself and be honest with your partner about what it was really like for you. Don't do that toxic masculinity bullshit of, like, holding it all inside and like, oh, yeah, no, it's just easy. It's supposed to be easy. And so, like, I gotta, like, be a man and not have any feelings about it because the reality is there's going to be a little bit of fear and anxiety and being able to just say that afterwards. Like, one, that lets your partner in and two, that helps you acknowledge and process and get through those emotions quicker if you hold it in inside. Yeah. A day or two is going to go by and you're probably not going to feel them so strongly, but you're so much more likely to for that little bit of emotional charge to turn into something worse or stronger, like resentment, where later on it's like, oh, well, yeah. Like, remember that time, like, I got that vasectomy for you? You know, it's like that kind of stuff comes out when we don't process those just initial little feelings that we have about something.

Yeah. As a therapist, we call that name it to tame it. When we're able to, like, name our emotions and talk about them, they just put process and move through us so much faster. You're also reminding me a little bit about episode 80, Be a Man and talk about your Feelings, how you want men to deal with their feelings. And also, like, we're gonna get back later in this episode to, you know, advice for if you want to convince your guy to get this procedure done. And I saw some really interesting stuff come up in the questions. A lot of women were like, he's being such a baby about it. Or like, I heard there were a lot of. I can't have any compassion for him because I went through childbirth. And on the one hand, I will say, I think there are a lot of men out there who are just like, who are kind of being annoying about it. And like, oh, I don't want to get it done. Like, I just don't want to have to deal with it. And so I get the annoyance on women's parts of, like, dude, this is a very small, minor procedure. I've been carrying all the weight of the, you know, family planning, you know, we'll get back into all of that. So it's like, on the one hand, yes, there are some guys trying to squirrel their way out of it. But on the other hand, like, I think we need to give men the space to have feelings and emotions and to say, like, yeah, if you're nervous about getting this procedure, that's okay. That's understandable. If you get it and you had some emotions come up within, you know, the context of it, that's okay. It's understandable. Like, so many women complain about wanting their men to be more emotional, but then they don't make the space for men to actually express their emotions. They, like, make fun of them, put them down. So it's like, there's a fine, you know, there's a line in the middle that we need to walk here.

Yeah. If you are going straight into that kind of comparison game of, like, oh, well, I've had to deal with so much more. So just like, put up with it or deal with it. Yeah.

Okay, next question. Are you in any pain?

No, I am in zero pain in terms of the. The pain following the procedure. We probably covered this in the first episode. So I'll just do it super quick now for the first couple of days afterwards. Like, there's definitely some discomfort. The icing really helped. And then, you know, I was told to. To be on, like, Tylenol and ibuprofen for probably, like, three days or so after the procedure. So, yeah, those couple days, there's definitely a little bit of discomfort. It was. I would say that between the icing and the. And the just like, over the counter painkillers like that totally covered it. So if. As long as you're just relaxing, that was totally fine for the couple. You know, for after that, through maybe the end of the first week, there's like a little bit of discomfort occasionally. Like when we would be out on a dog walk, maybe at the end of the walk every. I was maybe feel like a little ache in my balls. Be like, okay, yeah, it's probably time to relax after this. After about a week, I think I was back to most physical activity. Like, I wasn't doing like squats or anything till maybe two weeks out. And then, yeah, after two weeks, I didn't really feel any pain or discomfort after that. And I mean, I think I can chalk that up to actually following the doctor's instructions around the recovery. From what I have heard from other people, where it can get problematic for you is if you don't really take that very seriously or, you know, you're trying to tough it out and be like, oh, yeah, like, oh, I can play basketball two days after this, or I can do it. I feel fine. And it's like, no, they tell you to be on the couch for a couple of days for a reason. And I think that there's a couple things that you can do if you overly strain yourself in those first couple of days that are going to cause more pain down the road. They're going to cause you to maybe need to go back to the doctor, maybe need them to do another little mini procedure to, To. To help that out.

So, yeah, there were so many questions expressing fear about the pain. I think that's probably one of the biggest things that hold people back from. And so I want to just reiterate, like, as the partner, the experience of pain seemed very minimal. Like you were. I think it's interesting because it's like, it's such a sensitive part of your body that obviously you're a lot more conscious of. Like, does my penis hurt? Do my balls hurt? Like, if you were to get this procedure on your arm or something like that.

Oh, you wouldn't think any.

You wouldn't think anything of it. But since it's such a sensitive area, like, you are paying more attention to, like, does this feel okay? Does this feel okay?

Yeah, you're super cute into that as a guy. Yeah.

But like, you. So you would express to me, like, oh, I feel like a little bit of discomfort, or like, there's like a tiny bit of a weird sensation. But you never said to me, like, this feels painful. I'm in a lot of pain, you know?

You know, it's really funny. This is getting me to think about. So Vanessa is always. Vanessa is always, like, super curious about, like, how is it that, like, your balls and your penis are, like, between your legs and they're not getting, like, squished or scrunched or twisted or hurt, you know, every time you walk around or, like, you know how, like, you still see me in some positions? Be like, how are you, like, not sitting on your dick? Or, like, how are you. Or you're, you know, whatever. Like, how is. How is this not a problem? And I would say maybe for, like, the first week or maybe two. Like, if I'm being really generous after the procedure, like, it was kind of maybe a little bit like, that they were getting squished. Yeah. Like, the way that you would expect living with balls and penis to always be of, like, oh, God, I pinched it a little bit there. Oh, God, that was a weird position. So it was like, I got to live that reality for, like, a week or so. And then after that, because I tried to explain to her, it's like, you are never really that aware of your nuts. Like, they're just there. I don't ever squish. Like, maybe like, once a year, I do something or like, oh, whoa. I, like, tap. I tapped them on something. But it's just, like, that's just not a concern. And it went back to being not a concern at all very quickly.

Okay, another big question. Does sex feel any different?

No, sex does not feel any different. Now, to be totally honest with you, Just so you know what to expect for maybe your first two weeks back having sex, the sex itself is not going to feel different, but you are going to be aware of, you know, the fact that you had a procedure done kind of in your ball growing area. So I was not. I was not up for or really capable of doing, like, cowgirl position. Like, Vanessa on top for a couple of weeks. I think the first couple of times we had sex, it was just like, all right, we're going to do missionary. That way I'm 100% in control. That was totally fine. That was. I was surprised. I was. I was a little worried, I guess, the first time of just like, oh, is there going to be anything that I'm, like. Like, not anticipating or, like, is this going to feel normal? But very quickly, it was like, oh, this feels totally normal. You know, I was already just being a little careful. I was going slow and stuff, but being on top, there was really no nothing to bother me. I think we did try, like, you getting on top maybe, like, in the second week. And I was like, oh, yeah, no, like, that's not gonna work yet, because your balls are just a little bit sensitive from where the.

But not, like, pain.

No, no, no, not pain. It was just like, oh, like, this isn't gonna feel sexy. Like, I'm thinking about. Ooh, that felt a little uncomfortable. Yeah, it wasn't painful. It was just like, well, this isn't a fun way to have sex.

Yeah. I think what you're really speaking to is more of the, like, the awareness that something had happened in your genital region. So, again, like, you weren't experiencing pain, but it was just this sort of like, oh, I gotta be a little careful. Oh, I gotta be a little bit careful. I also think it's really important to point out that you are somebody who's really tuned into his own body. Like, you notice when even the slightest thing feels off and you'll, you know, talk about it. So I think, like, we're really being kind of sharing the conservative end of things here because we want to, like, share the full picture for people. But I think the average person. And we had so many men write in that were, like. There was literally not a single thing that felt different. Like, zero pain, Totally easy. Like, the simplest thing I've ever gone through.

Oh, yeah. And the sex itself felt totally the same. I mean, there's no. There was no work done on the penis itself itself. Like, no part of your penis that is actually having the sex was touched. Was touched during the procedure. So, yeah, there's, like, no impact there.

All right, what about ejaculation? Does that feel any different? And a lot of people were concerned about ejaculation hurting, especially the first time.

Yeah, I mean, that thought crossed my mind. No, that felt no different at all. It has not felt any different at all since then. I mean, it feels great ejaculating, knowing I can come whenever, wherever, and no risk of pregnancy. Like, that's awesome, but no, like, zero difference.

Okay, here's another very large concern from so many men, and I think this is an interesting one, that most women would be surprised to know how much men care about this. Okay, has there been any change in volume, color, or texture of your ejaculate color?

I get why people are asking about volume. I guess I get the texture thing, but, like, the color, like, no, it's not green. It's like, it's not orange, I guess. I mean, green would be cool. Like, green means go.

Means Go.

You're good.

You're good to go.

Good to fuck.

Okay, this is something. Something that, like, I. I think 99.9% of women do not care or maybe have never even thought about ejaculate.

Well, especially if you are. If you are having sex with a woman and you're getting a vasectomy because you want it to be a form of birth control. So presumably you are. Like, if you're coming inside of your partner, they're not going to notice any of those things anyway.

Yeah, but, like, I've never thought about especially volume. Volume really gets me. It's like, I've never thought about the volume of your ejaculate. I've never asked for it, and I've never, like, tied any sort of meaning to it. Like, oh, yeah, this guy has a lot more ejaculate than the other guy was with. Like, I don't. I literally don't care when.

Also, it changes every single time.

I want you to explain to us, like, why do you think men care so much about their ejaculate gases?

Like, well, it's like, this is my manhood, the thing that I do as a man that, like, a woman can't do.

I mean, we have bodily fluids, too, though, and I never worry about it.

Just like, well, okay. Well, I mean, it's probably from porn because, you know, there's a lot of shots of, like, men blowing big loads and probably taking a lot of supplements that increase.

But, like, why amount of that big load seems sexier or, like, more desirable than just just having a load?

I. I don't know. I genuinely don't know.

Also, yeah, color and text. I don't get texture at all. What does texture even mean? Like, do they think it's.

I think it's. I think they're thinking, like, oh, is it, like. Is it, like, watery now? Or is it not as.

Like, that's viscosity, not texture?

Okay, well, that's a different podcast episode. But, no, there has not been any noticeable change. I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna be out here claiming, like, no, there's zero change. Like, yes, there is a small change in volume.

Right. Because you don't have semen in your sperm anymore. But the semen are a very tiny percentage of the overall volume. Like, you cannot tell.

Yeah, I think a lot of people mess this up thinking, like, oh, you know, it's a misunderstanding that I can understand. Like, you know, you come and it's like, oh, well, this must be the sperm. But I Mean, the semen is less than 10% of your ejaculate. So, yeah, you are not going to be noticing that because also, like, the amount that you ejaculate on a given day totally varies depending on, like, time of day, how long it's been since you last ejaculated, probably, like, how long you were turned on for having sex. For, like, so many things. So unless you were literally, like, coming in a cup and measuring every single time, like, keeping my records, then you're.

Gonna have no way of knowing my semen diary.

Yeah. Or like, what's my semen color today? Today was a little yellow. A little more yellow than white or.

Honestly. Okay, if you're a dude listening who's really worried about this, if anything, I would say I would rather you have a smaller load because that. Then that's less of it to clean up. Less of it that's gonna be leaking out of me later. Like, I do not care about a big load. That is not sexy to me. It's not exciting or attractive. Like, I do not care about the size of your load. But also, I think that there's also, like, we use the phrase shooting blanks around men who have had vasectomies, and I think a lot of people translate that into literally nothing is coming out.

Of your penis or just, like, a tiny bit. No, you are like, the.

You're having a normal ejaculate. It's just like, ever so slightly smaller in volume.

90% or probably a lot more than 90%. Like, like, you were. You're having most of it.

Yeah.

And it totally indistinguishable. Like, it's just weird to say. But. Yeah. Have you compared two loads? One guy that's had a vasectomy and one guy that hasn't? You are going to have no idea.

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You know, I have had one issue, and that is that I just can't stop thinking about how I can come wherever I want. No one can get pregnant from it. You know, that's my one.

Honestly, that is a big thing that can feed into penis performance issues. Like, I worked with so many male clients who didn't realize how much their anxiety about getting their partner pregnant was affecting their performance. Yeah, So I had clients who were struggling to be able to orgasm and they didn't realize it initially, but once we, like, dug into it together, they realized, like, oh, there was actually a lot of anxiety. So if anything, I think that men are going to have fewer performance issues after having a vasectomy. But there is no link between a vasectomy and performance issues.

So the one thing I do want to say about this, the bone I will throw to the people who are asking this question or worried about this question, is I didn't have any performance issues because we were in really close communication in those first couple of weeks that we started having sex again about what the experience was, like, that it wasn't like, there wasn't this expectation of, oh, well, the doctor cleared you. It's been a week. Like, let's go. Let's do all the positions. Like, let's like, just go to pound town, you know, like, you know, I wouldn't recommend doing that anyway, vasectomy or not, but.

What, you don't recommend going to pound town?

Well, I mean, like, just only pounding it out.

Like, I love going to pound. Yes, sorry.

I know. I just mean, like, you know, a lot of we hear from so many women, they're like, all he does is just pound the shit out of me and it sucks. So, you know, that means switch it up, guys.

The jackhammer.

Yeah, the jackhammer. But. But I think that if we had not been in very much communication about that, if I had been like, oh, well, the doctor said it was a week, so, like, I'd better just be ready to go like nothing happened, then I could absolutely see some performance issues coming up. Because, like, you know that time that we tried you getting on top? If I had been like, oh, this feels a little uncomfortable. But like, doctor said it's cool. And like, she wants to. She wants to ride. Like, I gotta go then, like, yeah, I feel like that could have caused some performance issues if then I'm like, super cued into like, ooh, that feels uncomfortable. Like, oh, can I keep going? Like, oh, yeah. Like, pushing through, trying to. Trying to do it. So my advice to you is that, yeah, it's like, you guys are a team. Like, it's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to notice a little bit of discomfort. You just had a surgical procedure done, so be careful, go slow. And I think also, like, we were. We were in constant communication afterwards, you know, in the lead up to me getting my. My. My semen tested, about like, you know, the number. The number of ejaculations and whatnot. And, you know, we were like, you know, on the one hand trying to. To get through that number as quickly as possible, but we also weren't like, okay, I just have to do it every single day, or I have to do it multiple times a day or whatever. I could see that getting becoming problematic in the. In the way that, you know, many, many people on a trying to conceive journey can start to create problems unknowingly because at first they're like, oh, great, I get to. We gotta have sex all the time. And Then it's like, oh, well, like now, like, there's this pressure. It's like checking a box. So, like, if you turn this into that. Yeah. You might have some problems. We didn't do that because we talked about it. We were both, like, being honest about how it was for us, so I would recommend you do the same.

Okay, next question. Have you noticed any changes to your sex drive?

I mean, I guess maybe. Maybe it's increased my sex drive. It's definitely. Certainly not decreased my sex drive. Let's put it that way. Especially. Especially now that I've gotten the all clear test wise, that I have no sperm in my semen. Like, that's great. We're not using condoms. Love it. Like, my sex drive is definitely where it was or higher it. But yeah. No, it's. Yeah, it's not. I don't know why people think that it's going to lower your sex drive. It doesn't alter your. It doesn't alter your. Your hormone levels. I actually. Yeah, I actually got my blood tested. Not because of the vasectomy. Just I had a regular blood test already scheduled with my doctor probably like, a month after I got the vasectomy. And, like, there were no changes to my testosterone levels. So. Yeah, that's not really a thing.

Well, you're sort of leading me into the next section of questions, which I. I grouped a bunch of them together because there are a lot of wild questions about people, like, thinking vasectomies lead to various health conditions. So, of course, I want to say we are not medical doctors. We're not giving medical advice here. If you have any sort of concerns, please talk to your doctor. Do your own research. That being said, like, we did want to address some of these questions because they came up so often. So there is zero medical evidence, scientific evidence, showing the vasectomies are related to a decrease in hormones, mood swings or depression, weight gain, cancer, heart issues. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It does not cause.

Yeah. Not only does it. The research show that. My experience does not show that.

Yes. Have you experienced mood swings, weight gain, cancer, or heart issues since your vasectomy?

Nope, Nope, nope, and nope.

Okay, the next question. I will answer this one because this one cracked me up. Do your balls hang lower? So I actually got a DM before you even got the procedure. And somebody was like, it was a woman, and she was really concerned about your balls hanging lower and said, like, she's heard that vasectomies, like, make the balls hang super low. And she's was Weirded out about it. And so I did not mention it to you because I didn't want to. I didn't want to cause anxiety about something like this. I looked it up and I was like, okay. No, there's no. There's no evidence that it does this. Like, I think what. I think it's literally because of, like, the snip snap joke. People think that you're, like, snipping some sort of, like, tie in the balls and now, like, oh, they're just hanging low now. So I paid very close attention to Xander's balls pre procedure, right after the procedure and in the last, like, week or two.

And you probably have a better view of them anyway.

I do.

As you know, looking down, your penis is in the way.

Oh, I've got a great view of your balls.

You're kind of high up, so it's, like, hard to get the right perspective.

I'm shorter, too. Yeah, I'm like.

You're more straight on.

So I can tell you Xander's balls do not hang lower post procedure. I will say there was like, one time after you got the procedure that I was looking at them and I'm like, like, they are a little lower. But since your balls move around so.

Much throughout the day, like, depending on your. Your temperature, kind of like your arousal level and all kinds of stuff.

So, yeah, this is actually one of the coolest thing about balls is that they are wired to really make sure that your sperm is at the optimal temperature. Like, you don't want it too hot or too cold. They really need to maintain a container consistent temperature. So the balls act as temperature receptors and they will go closer to your body when the sperm needs to be a little bit warmer. And then they will drop away further from your body when the sperm needs to be a little bit cooler. So they are moving up and down all throughout the day. And it's actually, as somebody who doesn't have balls, I'm pretty impressed by the differences in, like, the size and the location. Like, sometimes they're real high and tight, and sometimes they are real out there and floppy. But, yes, overall, I have paid very close attention to this. Overall, Xander's balls do not hang any lower than they did pre vasectomy.

And I still have sperm in my balls, so my body is still doing all the normal things that that sperm just is not able to get out from the balls into the urethra to. To come out when I ejaculate.

Okay, next question. This was another huge area of concern and fear from People of all genders. Do you trust that the vasectomy really worked? And a lot of people wrote to us and said, like, I don't trust it. I don't trust it. I don't think that it would work. I'm concerned about it. So what do you say to that, Xander? Do you trust that it worked?

Yes, I trust that it really works because I sent my semen out to be analyzed. It came back with zero sperm in it. So I trust that that test was done correctly. It was done by a reputable testing company. And I know that thousands, hundreds of thousands and millions of people, Men. Have gotten vasectomies, and you don't. And, like, the only time that you hear about them not working is in, you know, the first couple of months after the procedure when you get that test done, and then they find sperm still in your semen, and then they have to go correct that. And so I knew that if I got that test done and it came back all good, then I'm good to go.

Yeah, that was the most important thing that we talked about in the first episode about your vasectomy, that they are not in immediately effective. You have to do a bunch of ejaculations. You have to wait. You have to get it tested to make sure. So I think that's the biggest problem that people run into is, like, they don't do that test afterwards, but.

Or. Or they hear horror stories from someone who didn't do that test, and then it didn't work. And it's like, yeah, it's like, you have to. You have to ask the questions of, like, wait, so why didn't it work? Like, did you do the test? I think most of these stories that you hear one, they're, like, through the grapevine. But even if you, you know, did have somebody close to you where it didn't work, like, drill down on, like, what actually happened.

Yeah, we got a ton of DMS from people who were like, well, I don't trust it because I know somebody who got pregnant after a vasectomy. So, like, you're saying, like, we were just saying, like, step one is okay. Did they follow all the proper instructions? Because if you start having sex right after having it, you don't do the test. Like, there is a likelihood that you can get pregnant. But I also want to point out that every form of birth control does come with its risks of still getting pregnant. The only 100% effective form of birth control is abstinence. So if you want to make 100% certain that you do not get pregnant, don't have sex. But otherwise, like, every form has some, you know, there's still someone who's going to get pregnant. But I will say a vasectomy is one of the most effective. It's like 99.9%, so it's not 100, but it's extremely high. It's way higher than condoms, way higher than the freaking pull out method, which way too many of you are using. It's your primary form of birth control. So it's very, very effective.

Yeah, I mean, and it's higher than an iud. It is the highest effect, like the most effective form of birth control. So, yes, while it is possible that it may not work, if you are finding yourself struggling to trust that it works, I would ask yourself, like, do you have that same mistrust in all the other forms of birth control? Like, what birth control are you using right now? Like, are you, you know, are you feeling equally mistrustful of, like, oh, like, well, the, the pill. How do I, how do I know that she took it today? How do I know that it's actually working? Like, how do I know that this IUD is actually really in there? Like, I guess if you are, if you are struggling to trust any of that, then, well, you're probably just struggling in general with your sex life because there's like, what are you gonna do? But if you are just finding yourself mistrustful of a vasectomy specifically, but not any other form of birth control, especially knowing that a vasectomy is more effective than all those other forms of birth control, then I think it's important to ask yourself, okay, is there something else coming up? Am I deflecting? Like, is there a part of me that is really scared about getting this and I'm just like grasping at straws, trying to come up with a reason not to want to do this. So I think you got to get honest with yourself if that's how you're really feeling.

Okay. And then there were a couple of questions related to this that we can just rapid fire answer. Do you guys still use other methods of protection? No, we do not.

Not since I got the results of the test back. But until we did absolutely did use other forms of production.

Yes. Again, the, the way that it works after you get a vasectomy is that you need to have 20 to 30 ejaculations before you can test your semen and make sure there's no sperm. So during those 20 to 30 ejaculations, you do need to use another form of birth control. We chose condoms for us, but it could be like an IUD or birth control pills or whatever. It is not the pull out method. Stop using the pull out method. But, yeah, once you've had that test and you're cleared, then it's fine. And so for us, like, yeah, there's no reason to use another form of birth control because vasectomy is so effective. Can you imagine, like, going through the vasectomy only then to have to continue using condoms?

Well, yeah, that would be a, that would be a bullshit procedure. Why would you want, like, why would anyone ever want to do that? No, it's like you do it because there's this, you know, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. You're never going to have to use this. Any other form of birth control again. Hell, yeah.

And then another person asked, will you continue checking it?

That's a really good question. That actually is something. You know, looking back, I wish that I had asked my doctor and I might call his office to ask about that. I don't believe there was any discussion of that. But I have heard that it can be a good idea to do that test one more time, like a year later. So maybe I'll do that to be safe.

Well, I think this person was really asking, like, will you can, like, every few months, will you just, like, continue testing over and over again because you're afraid that it's not. That it didn't work?

No, I'm not. I mean, I, I trust, I trust that, you know, my doctor did a good job. I trust that the test I got was, was effective. Yeah, I, you know, I, I, if I didn't trust you, you're not going.

To be out here every few months.

If I didn't trust it, I wouldn't have done the procedure. Like, yeah, like, why would you do a procedure that you don't trust? So.

Especially since the testing required the dry hand job, which, again, if you have not listened to the first part of this episode, you need to go listen to it simply to hear the story of Xander's. Okay, this next question came from a man. How do you get past the psychological mindset of losing a piece of your masculinity? And this was something that we saw reflected in a lot of the questions. There's this idea that getting a vasectomy makes you somehow less of a man. So whether it's you as the man worrying about it, or maybe, like, you know, a woman who says, like, I'm Hearing about this from my male partner. Like, yeah, I'd just love to hear you speak about the, the masculinity aspect. Do you. Well, let me say this. Do you feel like less of a man?

No, I mean, in a. In a weird sort of way, like, I feel more. I mean, like, virile is the wrong word, but I feel more like. I feel like, yeah, like I, I can do whatever I want now. I. I guess if, yeah, if your idea of manhood is tied solely to your ability to get somebody pregnant and that's somehow the only thing that makes you a man, then I guess, yeah, you got something to worry about here. But, like, I don't know, I feel much more. I don't know, I feel much more masculine. Just like, knowing, having that confidence, like, I can have sex with her whenever I want to. I don't have to worry about, like, grabbing a condom. I don't have to worry about the possibility of us getting pregnant.

Like, but even, like, even if you feel like your masculinity is, is so tied into your ability to get someone pregnant, you are still going to spend the vast majority of your life not being able to get someone pregnant. Like, unless you and your partner want to be pumping out babies constantly. Like, and if the vast majority of your sex life is you not getting people pregnant. So, like, does it make you less of a man if your female partner is on birth control pills or if she has an iud? Like, no. And does anybody ever say that about women? Like, I have never been asked. You know, I had an IUD in for what, 15, 20 years or something? Like, nobody ever asked me, do you feel like less of a woman because of your iud? Like, it's, it's so bizarre to me.

Yeah, I mean, well, and also, like, I would challenge you if this is how you are thinking, if this is coming up for you, I would challenge you to think about maybe, like, try to write down, like, what does constitute your masculinity. Like, if you are struggling, it's gotta.

Be more than just your ability to get someone pregnant.

I think it's a lot more than that. And if, yeah, if, like, that's the only thing that's making you feel like a man. I'm really putting that feel like a man in air quotes right now. But if that's like, the only thing that is making you feel like a man or giving you purpose in life or whatever you want to call it, then I think that's an important thing to examine. Like, can we try to find Some other ways for you? Because there are a lot of other ways. Let me tell you. There are a lot of other ways to feel good about yourself, to feel like you're serving a purpose, to. To embody your masculinity, to maybe be able to do this thing that most of your life, you're direly trying to avoid. It just. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense to me.

Yeah. I think if your definition of masculinity is having less than 10% more semen volume, like, there's something wrong with how you're defining masculinity.

Yes.

Like, there's got to be more to it than that. All right, next, the big topic. So many requests for this. A ton of women just said, like, can you please help me convince my husband to get a vasectomy? So I'm gonna say for a lot of people, first step is to listen to these two episodes together. Like, especially if the two of you have never talked about the possibility of a vasectomy, like, just start there. Listen to the episodes together. That's what I love about podcast episodes, is there's such a great conversation opener. So you can just say to your partner, like, oh, yeah, you know, that podcast that I listened to, they did this story about Xander's vasectomy. It was really interesting. Can we listen to it together? Like, that's a great way to open up the conversation we go through. Like, you know, we answer all these questions. We go through, like, step by step, Xander's experience. So I think just having all of this information ahead, like, in front of you is really going to be a great way for the majority of people. I'd say then there's something to be said about just coming out and asking your partner to consider this option.

Yeah.

And so I would say in that sort of situation, like, again, make sure you've listened to the episodes, but then tell your partner, like, I would love for us to consider this together. And I think some talking points that you can share with your partner is what your experience. Experience has been like being the one responsible for family prevention. Like, we talked about this in. In the first episode. You know, in our relationship, I have carried that load. The va like, the entirety of our relationship. The entirety of our relationship. So talk to your partner about, like, what has the mental load of that been like for you? The financial aspect of it, the physical aspect of it, and especially talking about, like, what side effects have you experienced from bur birth control? So especially when we compare vasectomy to even, like, an IUD Like, I thought my IUD was great. It had very minimal side effects for me, but I had cramps every single month when I had never had cramps in my life before. I had had a way heavier period for a year. Like, there were way more side effects. And that's.

I feel like a lot of them.

Yeah. Like, one of the easiest ones. I was also on birth control pills when we first started dating, and I had horrible side effects from those. Like, talk about messing with your hormones. Like, there's no evidence of a vasectomy messing with your hormones. There is a mountain of evidence. I mean, birth control.

Yeah.

They're meant to literally mess with your hormones. That's how they work. And for me. And again, we're not medical doctors. Do your own research. Talk to your doctor. But for me, birth control, hormonal birth control pills had a horrible effect on me. Like, my mood, my. Just everything. It was awful. So being able to share with your partner, like, yeah, this is all that I have carried. It's been really challenging for me. It's had these effects on me. This is what it's been like for me. And to talk to them about them taking on some of the responsibility as well. So that's kind of like the middle category. And then, Xander, what I want you to address is, let's say a woman has told her partner, like, I would like for you to have a vasectomy. And let's say he's like, no, I don't want to do that. Like, I'm not going to feel like a man. Or it's going to, you know, I'm not going to feel as good, or, like, I just don't want to do it. Like, what do we do if we encounter resistance from our partners?

All right, so first of all, I'm going to assume that you guys are on the same page about not wanting to have kids or being done with having kids. If for some reason you are on different pages about that, then the rest of this conversation maybe doesn't make the most sense. And I would recommend getting to a place where you guys are both in agreement that kids are no longer or not going to be in your future. So, first of all, I think you want to just start with building some consensus, like, grease the wheel with your partner. Like, hey, so we're not going to have any more kids, right? Or we're not going to have kids. Right. We're feeling pretty certain about that. And, you know, just getting your partner enrolled or reminding them, yeah, this is something that we have Decided this is something that we don't want anymore or we don't want at all. Right. So you get your partner in on that with you. Right. You've confirmed that, then you can acknowledge. You can acknowledge their concerns, even if you think that they are untrue, unfounded. It's all misinformation or whatever.

Yeah. And this is sort of where we loop back to what we were saying at the beginning of the episode is like, if your partner's like, I'm nervous about it or I'm worried about it, don't make fun of them. Don't put them down. Like, let them have their anxieties and fears and then come back to the episode and make sure they listen to the parts where we're like, there's no medical evidence for any of that sort of stuff.

Yeah. So here, the key is to just acknowledge, like, hey, I get that. I get that you're worried. I get you're worried about X, Y and Z. I get that you feel uncertain about this or about that. So you're just acknowledging them. Say, yeah, you have these fears. I get it. And use an and here. Do not say, but say. And I get, I get that you're feeling this. And I have done X number of years of taking on the mental load for birth control. I have dealt with these side effects. You know, it's been this long. We've had this many kids. Like, I don't. Like, I feel like I am done putting up with these challenges, these side effects, this whatever it is. Like, you know, insert your reasons here for really you feeling done with birth control because you get to make this decision for yourself. Just like your partner can refuse to have a vasectomy because they're scared of things. Like, you also get to app. You also get to say, hey, I'm done doing the birth control things. You say, hey, it's been this long. It's been this many years. I've had this many side effects. Ex. It's been, you know, we aren't going to have kids, and I am done doing the birth control. I am going to get off birth control. And so because, you know, we are in agreement that we don't want to have kids, I think that leaves. That leaves you, like, with two options for birth control, I.e. condoms or a vasectomy. So you're not telling your partner they have to get a vasectomy, but you're basically just saying, hey, hey, I've carried the load for this many years. You know, taking responsibility for birth control. Now it's your turn. And so these are your two options. It's condoms or a vasectomy. So you. You get to choose.

All right, Xander, any final words of vasectomy wisdom?

I mean, I think that if you're. If you are sure that you aren't going to have more kids, that you aren't going to have kids at all that you would not like to be, you know, you or your partner to be on any other form of birth control. Get a vasectomy. It's great. It's like a small amount of discomfort for a very short period of time. And then you got a lifetime of getting to do whatever you want with that semen.

Okay, what a testimonial. A lifetime of being able to do whatever you want with that semen.

Yeah, it's harmless. This.

Somebody put that on a banner or T shirt. Xander Marin. Xander Marin's endorsement of a vasectomy.

Yeah, and. And then. And then there would be a little asterisk and it would say, like, excluding STIs.

All right, well, that brings an end to our two part vasectomy journey. We hope this has been informative and exciting for you, and looking forward to hearing about more of you getting vasectomies. I think we both just feel so passionate about spreading correct information about vasectomies, encouraging people to consider them. Like, we've had such a great experience with them, and I think they're a really amazing option for so many people. So we just want to put out a final plug. Going back to the delightful review of the week that we read this week. If you are one of those people who has been thinking in the back of your heads, oh, yeah, I'm going to write a review for those guys, but you haven't done it, please do it. We would be so, so grateful.

All right, well, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about the sex, personality type.