EPISODE 107: Ask Each Other Anything: Celebrating Our Queer Community With A Q&A

It can be easy for us to get in our heads with like, okay, well, if I am not straight and I am not monogamous, then therefore I must explain myself.

Yeah.

To everyone.

Shit. Even if people do ask you questions, you don't have to explain shit unless you actively and consciously want. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience.

And I'm just a regular, regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Thanks to Storyworth for sponsoring this episode. Give all the dads in your life a meaningful gift you'll both cherish for years. So StoryWorth and save $10 on your first purchase when you go to StoryWorth.comPillow thanks to Green Chef for their continuing support of Pillow Talks. Green Chef is the number one meal kit for eating well with dinners that work for you, not the other way around. Go to greenchef.com pillow60 and use code PILLOW60. That's six zero to get 60% off plus free shipping. This week we have a very special episode for our queer community. So inclusivity is one of our core company values. Xander and I sat down together a couple of years ago and decided to come up with core values for our business that we really wanted to operate within. And inclusivity was one of the first ones that jumped to mind. It's just so important to us. So as individuals, we believe deeply that everybody is deserving of deep love and incredible sex. And we have so much respect for all the diversity in gender expression and relationship structures. Like, it just, you know, it's really important to us to create resources that can work for anybody, no matter what your relationship looks like. So all of our courses, except for a couple of ones that we specifically point out, and we have reasons why we do that, but pretty much all of our courses are completely inclusive. We don't assume genders. We try not to use gender pronouns. We have inclusive drawings in our, you know, in guides that are illustrated again, just all going back to that deep belief that, like, everybody deserves these kinds of resources and deserves to be able to have these kinds of experiences. But we thought it would be interesting this week, like, even though our intention is to Create content for everybody. We wanted to do a specific episode for our queer community. And so what we thought would be really fun is we did a kind of two stage process. So first we put up a question box on Instagram and we said, if you are queer and in this community, what is a question or a challenge that you have that you would love to get support from other queer community members? And then we took a handful of our favorites and we posted those again to Instagram and said, if you are queer yourself can, what advice would you give to somebody in this situation? We thought we would facilitate these conversations within our queer community, like our queer members talking to each other, giving each other advice, validating, lifting each other up. So we're kind of creating like the container for this conversation. We are the vessel that this conversation is going to happen within. But we really wanted it to just be centered and focused on the queer experience.

So then without further ado, we'll get into our review of the week. Realistic and practical. I appreciate what Vanessa and Xander are putting out there as it relates to relationships, sexual health, etc. The way they talk about and explain things is very practical and helps communicate that things are normal, whatever you and your partner are going through. And on top of that, they offer ways to improve, ways to communicate with your partner and offer a general sense of things to think about if you're working on yourself. So thank you.

Well, thank you for this wonderful review. Reviews are so important for the podcast. We cannot grow without you rating, reviewing and subscribing to the podcast. So if you didn't know, we do this weekly giveaway as our way of saying thank you for taking the time to leave a review. On Apple Podcasts, that's unfortunately the only place you can leave a review. But if you listen on other platforms, you can follow or subscribe to the podcast. And you can also leave like star ratings, like Spotify lets you do a star rating. But what we do with this giveaway is that if you leave a review and you hear it read on a podcast episode, you can reach out to us@infomtherapy.com let us know the username you left the review with and we will give you your choice of one of four masterclasses. Absolutely. For free as our way of saying thank you. All right, so let's get into it. Our first question that we got was best tips for navigating the coming out process. So here are the answers that are queer community members shared. Coming out is so personal. Come out to who you want. When you want. No one gets to pressure you to tell people you aren't ready to tell. Feel free to get to know your queer self independently for as long as you want.

Our next response was, everyone's coming out looks different. Sometimes it's a celebration, Sometimes it's just a quiet statement and the day moves on. Don't hold yourself to some standard or think if yours doesn't look like an emotional Hollywood movie that it's not valid somehow.

Let it be. You led. Slow down, take a breath and let those in who you want to. No one is owed a big talk.

Coming out seems like a one time thing, but it's actually continuous. Find ways to be gentle with yourself as you do a hard thing over and over. It's hard, but so worth it to live your truth.

You deserve to be your real self. Don't prioritize making other people comfortable over your truth. So definitely one of the most common themes that we saw in the responses was that this is a personal process and you get to decide what it looks like for you. So I think a lot of people have ideas of what it's supposed to look like in their heads or what they're, you know, supposed to like, even just that they have to come out or they have to come out to everybody in their life or that it.

Has to be this big, huge, we're gonna sit down and talk for half an hour about this. It's whole elaborate conversation. It just doesn't have to be like that.

Yeah. So really coming back to understanding what it is that you want and what's going to feel best for you. And I love the quote about how it's not a one time thing, it's continuous because I think, you know, there's obviously a lot of pressure that can get built up around coming out and there's a lot of fear and vulnerability because you're not sure how people are going to react. So I think if we think about it as a one time thing, that might put a lot more pressure to get it right.

Oh yeah.

But if you, if you remember, like, you know, going to have lots of opportunities to do this and lots of ways to like change it up if you don't like how it goes one time.

I mean that just hearing you describe that just made me think of how in our heads we get about losing our virginity or you know, your sexual debut. And it's like it isn't a one time thing. It's just one time that you're having sex in a lifetime of sex that you're going to be having. And you know, I think that the same can be true here. It's not like you, it's not like you do it one time and you never talk about it again. It's, you can, it can, it can happen as many times as you want. You can have as many or as few conversations as you want. At the end of the day, it's, you get to do what feels right for you.

Our next question was far and away the most popular one. This is something that a lot of people are struggling with. And this was advice on honoring your bisexuality or your bi curiosity in a straight facing relationship. So this is people who are in male, female relationships. So to strangers it might look like they're heterosexual.

Yeah, everyone assumes, yeah, you assume you're.

Straight woman, you're straight, right? But that person, one of the people in the relationship or both of the people in the relationship knows themselves to be bisexual. Or maybe they define themselves as another term, not just heterosexual. Or maybe it's like they're just bi curious, they've never really had a chance to explore. So we hear this a lot from people who met their partner young. Like my partner's the first and only person I've ever been with. I never had a chance to explore a same sex relationship, but I have this feeling inside of me that I probably would have enjoyed it or I wanted to at least explore it. So that can come up a lot. We actually prefer to call these kinds of relationships mixed orientation relationships. And that can be a simple little tip in and of itself. Like whatever opportunity you have to refer to it as a mixed orientation relationship because you're making it clear to other people that you're not. You don't want people to assume that you're straight just because you're with somebody of the opposite gender. Okay, so here's the advice that we got from our community. I still come out to safe people. Even though I'm engaged to a man, he's very comfortable with my bisexuality. And so we make room to acknowledge attraction, honor, beauty we both experience and see. Especially because we have similar types of without jealousy or competition. We're secure enough in our commitment to each other that these acknowledgments aren't threatening. We also seek out spending time in queer spaces with queer friends, engaging in queer media and storytelling and advocating for queer affirming policy and legislation. He's a great ally, which is an absolute necessity for me.

Our next one is I realize later in life that I'm bisexual, but I've not gotten to explore it much due to being in a relationship. Here are the recent ways I'm honoring it for myself, despite being in a straight telling people I'm bisexual, mentioning women in the list of people I'd go after if my boyfriend and I broke up, and exploring the idea of a more open sexual relationship to allow me to explore that side of things while still including my partner.

Yeah, another option here could be hall passes. People love to talk about hall passes. Who's your hall pass? And that. That can be a simple way to just incorporate your bisexuality.

Yeah, I think people can kind of get in their head of like, oh, well, I'm not out about it or whatever, but it's like, yeah, you can just kind of casually mention like, oh, I'd be into this guy, or I'd be into this girl or this person or whatever. And it's just, you know, assumed at that point.

We mostly heard from people who they themselves identify as bisexual. But we also got this response from a straight female married to a bisexual male. She said, my advice to others in my situation is to remember that your partner chose you out of twice the date dating pool. It's a real compliment.

Love that. Reframe.

Even though you may never fulfill some of their desires for queer experiences, they've still decided that being with you is worth it. There's always an opportunity cost to being monogamous, whether you're straight or not. I'd turn down other men for the same reason he'd turn down other men and women.

Yeah, I think that it's so nice to hear that perspective because I know that a lot of people, you know, talk about struggling in, in a relationship like this where the straight partner can feel jealous or threatened or, or whatever. And it's. Yeah, it's. It's so important to just remind yourself that in any kind of relationship, like, regardless of what gender, your gender or genders your partner is attracted to, like, they're, they're choosing you. There's always going to be other things that they could choose, and it's kind of inconsequential, like what gender of people they are into. Like, there's always, there's always a risk of that in a relationship.

But I also think there's this stereotype of bisexual people as being, like, ravenous or they can't get enough. And so a lot of people will feel more scared of a bisexual partner, like, cheating on them than they would of a straight partner cheating on them. And that's just ridiculous. It's unfair. It's insulting. Like, of course there's a possibility for cheating in any monogamous relationship, but just because somebody is attracted to people of all genders or people of two genders, like, that doesn't make them more likely to cheat.

Yeah, I mean, it's kind of like if you were like, oh, well, like, I'm. I'm into brunettes because Vanessa is a brunette. But then it's like. But then I'm like, one day I'm like, oh, that person who is blonde is attractive. And it's like, no, you're not allowed to be attracted to two different color hair types. Now you're attracted to more people. It's like, I'm just, you know, you're attracted to the people that you're attracted to.

I also like that she is reframing this as a compliment, because we see this a lot in all kinds of relationships. People will say, like, oh, my partner follows. This is obviously getting a little bit more complex. But they're like, my partner follows accounts where, you know, those women look totally different than I do. And, you know, I feel like they must not be that attracted to me if this is actually what they're consuming. Again, there could be a lot of other complex issues at play with this, but I. I like that idea of saying, like, it doesn't really matter who your partner is. The other people your partner is attracted to, what similarities or dissimilarities you have with them. Like, at the end of the day, your partner is choosing to be with you, and that's a compliment and a great thing. And. And I think pretty much, like, all of us could stand to. To relax into that a little bit more and not feel so nervous about the other people that our partner might be attracted to as well. I do also think it's interesting that we got this response from a woman with a bisexual man, and then the other two first responses that we got were from bisexual women. I also think it's important for us to acknowledge, like, bisexuality in women is treated very differently by our society than bisexuality in men. Like, I think a lot of men, if they were in a relationship with a bisexual woman, would think, like, oh, that's hot. And, like, some. Some stereotypical, like, kind of gross stuff. Like, yeah, we're gonna have a threesome kind of thing. That's a whole other episode. But, like, I think, you know, we see bisexuality in women. There's much more fluidity and permission for women to be bisexual, and there's a lot of judgment on men who are bisexual. You'll hear a lot of bullshit stuff like, oh, he's secretly gay, but just doesn't want to, like, fully come out. You hear a lot of stuff about like, oh, well, he's attracted to like all these people, so he's more likely to ch. So I do think, and again, to be totally clear, like, we think this is bullshit. We think bisexuality should be celebrated and accepted for regardless of the gender of that person. But I do think it's important to acknowledge, like, it might feel like a very different situation for a couple where the man is bisexual versus the woman is bisexual. Okay, here's some other responses that we got. And these kind of bleed a little bit into an upcoming question that we have about, like, how queer is queer enough? Because another thing that comes up with bisexuality, like, a lot of people feel like bisexuality doesn't count in a way. So one of the responses that we got from someone was, remember that you belong in queer spaces just as much as anyone else. There's no checklist for being bi. You're bi even in a male, female relationship. Let's tell you a little bit more about Storyworth. So our year with Storyworth finally came to an end. 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Every quarter. It wasn't enough. Yeah.

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Our next response was be with a partner who supports all of who you are. We openly encourage talk about fantasies and people we find attractive and we honor it.

I mean, I think that it's just very important for you to be with a partner who honors and celebrates who you are. Like, it's so sad. We hear a lot of times from people who are like, you know, my partner tolerates it, or they're uncomfortable, but, like, you know, they're just forced to accept it. It's like, no, you deserve to have a partner who sees all of you and loves and accepts and respects all of you.

Yeah, I think the, the key line from, you know, what that person said was be the partner who supports all of who you are. And the word supports specifically because the Reality is, is like, no one partner can fulfill 100% of our wants, our desires, our attraction, or whatever it is. This person isn't saying, be with a partner who gives you everything that you need. It's no, like, your partner is just meant to support you for who you are. And whatever those attractions or desires are, it doesn't mean that they need to fulfill them or do them for you.

I guess it reminds me of like, the end of the response that we got from like, the straight female married to the bisexual male. Like, she was saying, there's always an opportunity cost to being monogamous whether you're straight or not. So this idea, and again, I think this is this unnecessary fear that comes up in dating bisexual people of like, oh, well, I'm a woman, and if you like men and women, I'm only fulfilling like half of your needs. And it's like bisexual. Being bisexual doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with both a man and a woman, and otherwise you'll never be satisfied. It's like, I'm attracted to a larger pool of people and I'm choosing you. You are the person that I want to be with. And yes, you might not fit into, like, every. My list of everything that I'm looking for, but that's the case in every relationship. Like, there are things that I would have loved to find in a partner that you don't live up to.

Oh, yeah, like being six, four.

Yes, I'm sure you would have loved to have a partner who serves. And like, that's okay. I think we get ourselves so scared about this idea of, like, oh, I'm not everything that my partner wants. I can't be everything to them. But, like, that's the case in every relationship, regardless of your sexuality.

Also, also, I kind of take issue with the, oh, well, you're. You're automatically attracted to twice the number of people. We all have, like, our own kind of requirements or whatever of who we find attractive. Right? And so it's like, you could be straight or you could be gay, and you could have a really wide range of attributes that you find attractive or really narrow range of attrib that you find attractive. So just because you are attractive, attracted to more than one gender does not mean that it's, oh, you're just 2x double everybody else. I know plenty of people who are like, you know what? I just have very specific tastes and like, there's very specific things I find attractive and I'm not attracted to that many people. So, like, if you were bisexual and you felt that way, like, you might be attracted to way fewer people than like your straight friend or your straight partner. Like, I think it's. Yeah. And also it's like, at the end of the day, if you are in a monogamous relationship with someone who's bisexual, they. They have chosen to be in a monogamous relationship with you. If they didn't want to be in a monogamous relationship, they don't need to make that choice. Then you probably wouldn't be in a relationship with them. And they could, they could be in an open relationship or a polyamorous relationship and date people of, you know, all the genders that they find attractive. But that's not what you guys chose.

Well, that moves us right into the next piece of feedback that we got. Somebody said polyamory, game changer, Ethical non monogamy. And we love our flexibility. So we do have a podcast episode about this. 31, should we open our relationship? And again, to be clear, just because one partner is bisexual doesn't mean they can't be monogamous or you should be in an open relationship. Like, like we were saying before, there are some really unfortunate stereotypes that come up that are untrue and unfair and all the stuff. So we don't believe that you need to. But we think that ethical non monogamy is an option that all couples should consider. It's just another option for ways to do relationships. Monogamy is not the thing for every single person or every single couple. So it's definitely something to think about for couples of any orientations.

Our next one is I have a lot of queer friends and that helps me feel more a part of the community. I use my privilege of being in a straight seeming relationship to support trans folks. I also read Queer Smut and my spouse and I watch queer porn together.

And the last one says, I openly refer to myself as queer and let other people sort out what that means. It's empowering.

Yeah, I think it's.

I love that.

Yeah. It's not your job to make other people be okay with you or understand you or whatever. It's if someone else is unsure or has questions like they are allowed to ask or they are also allowed to ask.

Well, politely. We will get back to that one in a minute.

I mean, yeah, and it's, you know, it's on you to decide if you, you know, want to answer that.

You don't have to.

But yeah, I think that it's, you know, it can be easy for Us to get in our heads with like, okay, well if I am not straight and I am not monogamous, then therefore I must explain myself.

Yeah, you don't have to explain shit. Even if people do ask you questions. You don't have to explain shit unless you actively and consciously want.

Yeah, I mean I wish that we lived in a world where you also not had to is the wrong word, but that people also came out as straight or came out as, as monogamous. Like if it was just like, hey, there are a menu of options available when it comes to, you know, like gender that you are attracted to in terms of relationship configuration and like, yeah, we all, you know, we all, you know, we grow up and we get to decide what it is that we like and we also get to change our mind and we all get to declare. Declare what is it that we are feeling right now. I think that would, that would be great. That would help so much with people feeling like, oh, like I, if I am not the norm, I must have this epic explainer of who I am.

Our next question was advice for your first queer sexual experience. Here's our first bit of advice. Let go as much as you can of expectations and remember this is not the sex you were socialized for. Very interesting little tidbit right there. Someone sent this to me as a joke after I came out. But there's honestly truth to it. It's way more free flowing than everything I think we are socialized for sex to be. So they sent us this image of. It's like a graph of heterosex and it's kind of like guy comes, girl comes maybe.

Yeah, I'm guessing they're like, they're maybe charting like pleasure. Pleasure versus time over time.

Yes.

And it's like kind of like flat and then it like spikes up. Guy comes, it goes down and then it spikes up. Girl comes maybe and then it falls right back down sleep and. Or someone leaves. Oh, and by the way, that all happens between minute zero and minute four.

Then on the other hand there's lesbian sex and this is ranged from minute zero to hour eight. And it says, is this sex? Oh, I think we're having sex now. A different point is orgasm one of seven. Another one is delicate cuddling and hand holding. Then time traveling. Then I thought it was over, but I guess we're going again. Someone gets up and gets food distracted by cat or pet. So this one is like all over the place, the charts going up and.

Down and twisting going forward and backward.

So again it's like, this is just a joke, but this person is saying for them there actually was some meaningfulness to this here, like recognizing there's this script that a lot of us see for heterosex and recognizing for themselves that, like, queer sex can look so different from what that script is. And honestly, this is a good tip for people of any orientation.

Yeah, heterosex does not need to look like what we first just described. In fact, we would love if it didn't. You get to make the kind of sex that you want. All right with that. Moving on. Next one is be honest. Go at your pace. There's nothing shameful about being new to queer sex. Ask questions. Speak up about what you are and aren't comfortable doing at any given time. Release any shame that may come up. Welcome the pleasure you deserve.

Oh, I love that. The pleasure you deserve. My best advice is to not get too caught up in what sex should look like as a queer couple. Just like how straight folks can be influenced by porn. I think queer folks, especially those of us who come out later in life, can get trapped in the thinking that queer sex should look a certain way, include or exclude certain things, and it's just not true. Just like sexuality, sex is a fluid and evolving thing. There's no one way to do it right or for real. I was so afraid to include certain toys, masculine energy, like dirty talk, certain honorifics, even some types of dominance or power play in my sex life because I was worried it would make my sex straighter or more heteronormative somehow. But the truth is that all the sex I have is queer simply because the people involved are queer. Love that. No kink, experimental play, or types of dirty talk will change that. And none of those things make your sex life any less queer or less valid in its queerness.

Yeah, I think that's. That's so huge. And that is exactly true in the opposite way as well. There are no sex acts that somehow make you that are, like, less straight than others. It all it has to do with who is having the sex.

Yeah, and I love, like, this was a response to, you know, first time having queer sex, but I think this is like, anytime a lifetime of queer sex, like, this is such a great piece of advice for people. All right, our next question was, how do you deal with weird or inappropriate questions or comments from family? Oh, yeah, first response here. Set boundaries. That looks different to everyone, but it's okay to gently or even not gently tell someone that you don't think that's an appropriate comment. Or question. I think sometimes queer people, especially the first out queer person in a family or friend group, sometimes take on the responsibility of educating everyone in their lives about queerness and advocating for queer joy. But this can be so exhausting. So don't burn yourself out by letting people gawk at you like you're a zoo animal. Animal. You're a person who deserves respect. So make sure the people in your life say and do things that are respectful.

Someone even sent us a bunch of really great tips for things, questions to ask or comments to make when someone makes what feels like an inappropriate comment to you. So those were what do you mean by that? Or I don't get it. Can you explain, like put the onus on them, like maybe help them realize that it's a rude question?

Yeah, I think like, I like that because it makes them stop in the moment. Like, I don't really understand what you're saying by that or I don't understand what you mean. Like they have to take a moment to reflect and think about how to describe it differently. And I think in some certain situation that person might be like, oh, you know, actually I shouldn't have asked you that. I'm so sorry.

Yeah, the next suggestion was that's not something I share outside my relationship. Or that's not up for conversation. Or that's a weird question to ask someone.

Love that. And then snoop, toss it right back at that.

Yep. And then finally this one's also great. I'm not going to answer that, but Google probably will.

I love all of these. Yeah, this was such a helpful response that someone sent in. And honestly, like, these responses can work in a lot of different situations. If you get like any sort of uncomfortable question that feels rude or inappropriate, like you can use those responses for a lot of different scenarios. So the next person said, be upfront and use the moment for education if you feel comfortable. So I do think this was like, like a very important point that came out in some of the other responses. Like because you are queer does not mean that you are responsible for educating everybody in your life about queerness. Like that person whose response I read earlier, like, that can be exhausting. This comes up with race as well. Like, if you are a minority, it is not your responsibility to explain like the experiences of being marginalized by race to every person in your life. So if there are times where you feel open to education and if it's a question that's being asked by somebody that you care about and maybe you can sense in that moment, like they don't really realize how inappropriate it is. If you are open to education, you can use those moments. So this person continued on saying, most of these inappropriate questions are asked out of ignorance and are not meant to be malicious. So in the times that you're open to it, maybe use it as an opportunity for education. And honestly, some of the responses that Xander read can be an education as well. Like, that's a weird question to ask somebody, so you don't actually have to share any personal information. The education could be telling that person.

You should educate yourself somehow.

Else, that's not an appropriate question to ask people. You can kind of combine the last. You're like, that's not really an appropriate question to ask people. You should Google that on your own instead. Something like that. So, yeah, that. That can be like, a nice thing to do in the moment, but again, not your responsibility to do all the educating.

And then the final tip, which is also great in terms of putting the onus back on them, ask them the same question about themselves.

Yeah, I think especially if it's like a very. Like a sexual question.

Yeah. Sexual or very personal, you're like, okay.

You answer it first.

Yeah.

You see what it feels like to be asked that kind of question. Question. And then our final request for advice. Somebody said, how do I navigate being queer but not feeling queer enough? And this was another response that came up so often, I think we saw shades of it in the questions about bisexuality as well, or bicuriosity. This feeling of, like, I got a little bit of gay in me, a little bit of queer in me. But is it, like, not queer enough? This idea that there's some sort of measuring stick and, like, sort of bar? Yeah, you have to clear the bar in order to qualify. So one person said, queer imposter syndrome is a thing, but there is no such thing as not queer enough.

Another person said, think through your feelings and past experiences or memories. Chances are they're more queer than you.

Thought you might be more queer than you're giving yourself credit for. Somebody else said that the great part of being queer, it's a variable spectrum of sexual identity.

Someone else said, I hate this concept of not being queer enough. Did the Kinsey scale teach us nothing? Just do what feels right. You're perfect just the way you are.

And finally, this was our favorite one. If you are queer, you are queer enough. There are no criteria. Being you is being queer enough. You are are enough. What a beautiful phrase to end this episode on.

I think anybody could take it to heart. You are enough.

Absolutely. All right. Well, that is the end of our episode. We hope it's been useful to hear this conversation, like, from queer people. Like, questions from queer people, answers from queer people. It's been nice to be able to facilitate, like, having this conversation within our community. And if you are a queer person in our community, we love you, we celebrate you, we see you, we honor you, and we thank you for being here.

And we think you are enough.

Absolutely.

Well, that's all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we answer the question, what do I do if I've been faking orgasm for a long time? Sa.