Episode 120: “Why Do Guys Do This?” - Xander Explains Male Behavior

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Hello, and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Zander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationships advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. All right, Xander, why don't you kick us off by singing some songs about men?

It's raining man.

Hallelujah.

It's raining men Hallelujah. That's it. All right. That's like. That's the right vibe for this, right? Why do men do this?

Why did I know that that was the one song that you would pick? I knew that you would pick that song. Have we done that before? Have you seen this song before?

I'm not sure, but I'm trying to think of other men songs and I'm struggling.

It's fine. We'll just keep it. It's raining men and I really appreciate the commitment to the falsetto.

I mean, how am I. I can't sing in my regular. It's raining men. Hallelujah.

I think that's what most men would do.

It's raining men.

Most men don't want to go to falsetto. They want for.

To me in the regular register, it just doesn't even sound like singing. It just sounds like really bad talking. So I'm like, if I'm going to sing, like, if you're going to sing, I want to make it sound like it actually sounds like in the song.

Well, today we are going to be raining questions about men. You like that transition?

Yeah. Raining them down on me.

Raining them down on you.

Hallelujah.

We put a question box up on Instagram. We said, like, what is something that you wish you understood about men? Like, why do guys do this? What is in men's brains that makes them think to do this? And today, Xander is going to answer for all of mankind. He is going to finally end the mystery of why men do these weird things that they do.

And before I speak for all men, I'm going to speak for one of our listeners.

Okay.

With their review of the week. I'm going to read their review aloud.

Okay.

From their fingers typing to my lips, this review.

Just read it.

Yeah. That didn't work. You know, Vanessa's always on me about these transitions. So I, you know, I really try. I swing for the fences and sometimes you don't hit a home run, you just strike out.

Okay, you could just read it now.

Found what I was looking for. I stumbled onto Vanessa and Xander's podcast after seeing one of their videos pop up on Instagram. It was a clip from their butt stuff YouTube video. I had never heard two people talk so candidly and honestly about the real life struggles that come with sex in a long term relationship. I insta stalked them for a few days viewing each and every video before diving into their podcast. I've never felt stupid, seen, so seen, or validated in my feelings before. Ironically, I was looking and had given up on finding a sex therapist before finding them. I have now listened to every single podcast episode, purchased multiple guides and courses, read Sex talks and I'm God. Yeah. And I can confidently say my husband and I are connecting more and have better intimacy than we have in all the 20 years we have been together. Wow. We've gone from lack of desire, wondering what's wrong with me slash us and fighting over the same old intimacy issues over and over to understanding our wants, needs, desires, and having the best sexual relationship. Xander is funny, down to earth and sweet. Vanessa is insightful, welcoming, and so knowledgeable in all things sex, relationships and life. Like sitting down with old friends, they are so successful at what they do that I no longer feel the need to seek out a sex therapist of my own. Thank you for saving me money on therapy, giving me confidence to talk about sex, and helping us build a better relationship. Watch out world. VNX are bringing sexy back.

Oh my God.

Wow.

We never see these reviews before we read them. Our team picks them and puts them into this little document for us. So it's always a surprise when we get to read them. And it is so delightful. Like, what a lovely review and I love your journey with us from a little clip on YouTube all the way to this review. Like, that's really amazing. So thank you so much for taking the time to share. Obviously it feels great to us to be able to read these reviews and just to know the kind of impact that we're having on the world. Like, we're just sitting here in our small office in a couple of chairs, like, hoping people listen to this, hoping people enjoy it. And so to be able to like get that feedback and know that it really is making an impact. Like, that makes all the difference in the world. So it's great for us to hear. And we also do these reviews because it really is the best way for the podcast to grow. I mean, if you were a stranger to this podcast and you're like, let me check out Pillow Talks. What is this all about? And you read this review like, you're not.

Not. You're not. Not listening.

You're listening, right? So as opposed to, like, yeah, maybe if you go to another podcast and it's like, I don't really love this podcast. Like, you know, whatever. I'm not gonna.

Are those the kind of reviews you leave on podcasts? It's okay.

No, but, you know, like, obviously you're gonna want to tune into this, so it helps the podcast reach new couples, helps us be able to make a bigger impact on the world, and. And that means so much to us. And we also just like to do this giveaway every week to say thank. Leave us a review. On Apple Podcasts, you have to go to the main page of Pillow Talks, scroll to the bottom. You'll find the section to leave a review there. And once you do that, you are entered into this giveaway every single week going forward. So if you hear your review read, you can email us@infoomtherapy.com and you will get to pick your choice of a free masterclass. This is our way of saying thank you for taking the time to leave a review. All right, so let's jump into it. So first, I think we have to give our little disclaimer, right?

Like, I'm a man. I cannot speak for all men. As much as I wish I could. As much as I wish I could just simply answer all these questions for you and be like, oh, yeah, it is a hundred percent this, or it is definitively that. I can do my best. Yeah, I can do my best. Like, I can infer a lot of things. I can talk about, you know, what probably some men think, what other men think, what I have thought, my experience. My experience speaking with friends. But of course, you know, no one person is ever going to be able to speak for all people, you know, in any kind of group.

Yeah. I mean, we always have a lot of respect for the fact that everybody is different, everybody is unique. So we always like to just give a little disclaimer like that, that this might not apply to everybody. And that's totally cool if it doesn't.

Yeah. So I'm going to do my best to, you know, I'm putting an air quote, speak for all men. But what I want to say also is that all of these questions, these are great conversation starters with your partner, if your partner is a man. And you've been wondering about this. You know, I might give you, you know, kind of, like a hint about what might be going on, but I can't guarantee you that that's what is going on with your partner or that's how your partner thinks. So these would be really great conversation starters to bring up with your partner. This would be a great episode to listen to with your partner, see what they think.

All of our episodes are great to listen to with your partner. We always recommend that. Okay, Xander, here's the first question I'm dying to know. Why do guys seem to enjoy farting so loudly?

All right, so I think that this probably comes down to socialization. Like, guys have not been socialized from a young age to not fart. I think that's like. Whereas women very often get this message of, like, oh, like, women are supposed to be, like, beautiful and dainty, and women don't fart. Women don't poop, all that stuff. Whereas guys, it's like, oh, yeah, like, boys fart. And, you know, if I think back to, like, I don't know, like, when, like, guys are just hanging out with guys, like, very often, guys just let it rip. And it's kind of gross when you think about it, but it is gross.

I would never fart in front of my friends. Like, let it rip in front of your friends?

Yeah. I mean, like, maybe you even, like, let it rip extra you push it out. Yeah.

That's so rude. I would never do that to my girlfriends.

Like, yeah, I mean, I think, like, you know, men just. It's sort of like, amongst guys, it's like. Yeah. Like, bodily. Bodily functions. Like, you, like, guys, like, talk about taking big shits, and you talk about.

Taking shits with your friends.

I don't really, but it's. I mean, like, guys talk about that stuff. You didn't know this?

You brag about a big shit. Like, what? Why is that something to be proud of? That's probably a sign that your digestion is bad.

Yeah, I think most men's digestion is awful.

We're gonna get to that question next. Wait, really?

Yeah.

You think men brag to other men about taking big shit?

Like, close friends? Like. Like, it was like a guy trip or something? Yeah.

That's so weird.

Like. Like, absolutely.

Like, it's a. It's something to be proud of. Or are you making fun of it? Like, oh, like, Fred takes such big shit. I don't know.

Probably a little bit of both.

This is confusing. So you're Proud of it. But it's also something to make fun of for somebody.

No, I mean, I think it's just kind of proud of it. Like, oh yeah, I just took a huge shit.

Have you ever said this to a friend?

I, like, I know I don't really say that, but like, like friends will say that to me.

And do you feel proud for them? Are you like, no. Way to go, man.

I don't feel proud for them. Way to go. But you know what, I do kind of feel like, well, like as a guy, I'm just supposed to be like, haha, cool. Instead of being like, dude, that's fucking gross. Don't bring your shits to me anymore.

Oh my God. I like, I need some time to think about this one. I just thought we were gonna have a quick little answer and laugh about farting, but this is in a weird direction that I was not anticipating. I mean, is this just like, Is this just an example of how, like, we women just get so much fudge up socialization, like we're not allowed to do or be or say anything. Yeah. And men just get celebrated for even the stupidest things that they do. Like, you took a big shit. Way to go. And I'm over here, like, can't even acknowledge that I poop.

Yeah. I mean, there, there might be something there, babe. There might be something there. Because look, I mean, let's be honest, like, hey, when I'm not, when I'm not around, do you ever. You like, you let a fart rip?

No.

Like, do you like, do you like, do you hold it in? Like you struggle to hold it in even when I'm not around?

I won't hold it in, but I don't like, push them out the way.

That you do every now and then. It's just like, oh, that was a good one.

No, I've never felt proud of a fart. I'm not like, ashamed of a fart. Like, it's, it's a normal bodily reaction. I get it. Everybody farts, that's fine. I think there's like a certain amount of politeness about farting. So that's why I make a conscious effort not to fart in front of other people. But I've never been by myself and been like, yeah, that was a big old fart. And I've certainly never felt that way about a poop.

I mean, when I'm by myself, it's like, it's much easier to just get that fart out. And the way you get it out is you Push it out and make it loud. And it's kind of okay.

We need a pelvic floor physical therapist to weigh in on this. What is the healthiest way to treat your fart? Should you push it out or should you just like. Like, my farts will just, like, ease their way out. Like, there's no pushing involved.

Well, that's good for you. My experience is that my farts don't just ease their way out. Like, they don't. They don't do that. So.

So you have to push them.

Well, it's. I'd rather it be more of a controlled thing. I'm like, okay, I can. I can make it fart right now versus make it fart. I don't know, Like. Like, make the fart noise right now. Or I could wait. And then it's like, I don't know when it's going to come out. It might feel a little weird. It might surprise someone. Like, I'd rather just get it out right now and know that it's done. So, I mean, look, we got to.

Get back to the question. Why do guys seem to enjoy farting so loudly?

I mean, we've been socialized that it is. Okay. And perhaps even something to be celebrated amongst men. So there you go.

I hate it. Okay. On a similar vibe, I think we just have to go straight into. By far and away, the number one question that got asked. Why do guys sit on the toilet for hours?

All right, so, I mean, we kind of talked about the socialization differences, you know, with farting and pooping and all that stuff.

So, like, this is. You're making a work of art, basically. So you need to take your time.

Well, no, it's not that.

Something to be proud of, but it's not something to brag to your friends about. So you need to take your time.

Oh, yeah. I mean, maybe that's an extreme example, but.

No, wait, hold on. Do you ever, like, show guy friends your poop?

No.

Is that a thing?

No.

Okay. It's just talking about it.

I don't know. Maybe like, really gross dudes. I don't know.

I need to know.

No one has ever shown anybody in the.

Anybody listening?

No one has ever shown me.

Go ask your man if he's ever shown your friend showed his friends his poop. That's next level. Okay, continue. You're in the bathroom. You're making your work of art. You need time.

Yeah. So, I mean, I think that what it gets down to is, like, so pooping is not something that I like. Feel any shame about or feel like I need to hide it from anybody. So I'm like, you know, all right, if I'm gonna go poop, like, I might as well, you know, I might as well, like, not rush my way through this because. Yeah. I mean, like, you've always told me it's not good to try to push your poops out. Right?

Correct. Yeah. You've got to just sit there, let it come out. I will say, like, pooping, obviously, it's very tied to your digestion. So if you have to spend a really long time in there, maybe worth talking to somebody about your diet, your, you know, gastrointestinal situation. But I remember one of the first times we had a conversation about how, like, with women, if we're in a public restroom and a woman has to poop and there's another woman in the bathroom, she will sit quietly in that stall for however long it takes until the bathroom is empty. And then she will go. Like, the vast majority of women will not poop with another person in there, even though it's a public restroom. We all know what we're in the restroom to do. Like, women do not do that. And I remember telling you that, and you were like, what? Like, why? It blew your mind.

Yeah. Well, so, you know, it's funny as you described that to me, because that kind. That did give. Give me a flashback from, like, when I was much younger. And there were. There was some amount of time when I was very young. I don't know what age. Like, probably, like, you know, between like, five to seven years old. Like, once I started elementary school, where I also was very scared to. I actually. I don't know what it was. I just, like, had this memory of, like. Like, you know, at school, like, being in the bathroom and, like, being scared that anybody. Like, I didn't even want anybody to see that I was in the bathroom, like, in the stall. I think, like, if someone else came in the toilet, I would, like, lift my legs up or something.

Little Xander.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know why. I have no idea why. But there was a brief amount of time where I was very ashamed to poop. And I don't know where that came from. But at a certain point in time, I lost that shame. You know, pooping just became a everyday part of life. And it was like, you know, and I guess what it was feels like, you know, there's some anonymity, like, oh, you're in a, you know, public bathroom or bathroom at work or School or whatever. And it's like, you know, there's a bunch of stalls and who knows who's in there shitting. Like, you might as well. If you're gonna do it, you might as well not enjoy it. But, like, you know, your time. Might as well take your time and relax. And I think that there's another piece of this which is, you know, why do they sit for hours? I think most men don't actually sit for hours. If you do sit for hours, that's really bad for you. You definitely should never do that. But I think that there's an element of, like, you know, also sort of like a break. Okay, I got a poop. I'm going to take a break. I'm going to pull out my phone, I'm going to pull out a book. I'm going to do some reading, watching a show, whatever it is. Now we have so many options now with smartphones.

So see, here's the thing is, like, I have definitely experienced being annoyed by you being in the bathroom for so long. Or like, we're trying to go and you're like, oh, gotta go to the bathroom. But I do think that men are kind of onto something because I think women, and especially moms, like, we're rushing all the time and we feel like. Because again, of socialization, crappy socialization. It's not our fault, but we feel like we're not allowed to take a break. And so even, like, peeing, we're pushing it out, like, trying to make it happen as quickly as possible. Pooping. We're pushing it out, trying to make it happen as quickly as possible. That sounds awful. Not only is it not good for your body, like, see a pelvic floor physical therapist. They will tell you these are not good pooping and peeing habits to have, but it's also just indicative of our inability to, like, slow down and take a little bit of a break, that we're so freaking overwhelmed. And maybe this gets back into a bigger, like, mental load and responsibilities issue. Like, you might need to have a serious conversation with your partner if you don't even have the time to poop and your partner's, like, in there 30, 45 minutes every single day. But I do think there is something to be said about giving ourselves that same permission as women to, like, take a break when we need to take a break.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I think that there's. Yeah, I mean, it's, you know, it's not like, the most enjoyable place to take a break. I'd far Rather take that same break on the couch or something. But it's more of a like, okay, I gotta do this. It's middle of the workday. Or, you know, if it's at some time where I'm not like, oh, my God, I have to be out of the house in five minutes. Like, hey, I might as well. I might as well get a little enjoyment out of this.

We could do a whole episode on this. Because I think most of us really struggle to take breaks in front of our partners. Like, and I'll be honest, if I see. If I'm like, running around doing stuff and I see you on the couch on your phone, like, that's annoying.

I know.

I'm like, motherfucker. Like, I'm over here doing all this stuff. Even though in our relationship, like, we've put a lot of work into making sure that our mental load and our responsibilities feel balanced. Right. And I will also feel self conscious if you're doing something and I'm, like, sitting there taking a break on my phone or watching a show or something like that. I just think, like, we feel this discomfort around showing, like, just taking a little bit of a break. I think even with our partner, we feel like I'm supposed to always be doing something. I'm supposed to show them that I'm productive and I'm busy and I'm doing all the things. And, like, that's so sad.

Yeah. But the toilet is behind closed doors.

Exactly. That's why men escape to the bathroom.

Yeah. It's an escape. It's like you're. It's behind closed doors. There's plausible deniability. Like, oh, well, I was pooping too. Like, I had to poop.

Yeah.

So you can't be that mad at me. So, Yeah, I think it's kind of a range of those things. It's like, for, you know, the personal reason is, hey, if I'm doing this, I might as well take a break. Like, I want to take a break here. It's really, like, great multitasking, honestly. Like, you're taking a break and pooping, which something that you have to do.

And men can't multitask the one time.

Men really can multitask. But it's also. It's also like, it's a way to take a break without, like, without being. Without feeling like you are in, like, incurring the judgment of your partner. Even though obviously, obviously men, because of the prevalence of this question, you are being judged for this. I promise you.

Yeah. You're not getting Away with it.

You're not getting away with it as much as you think you are.

So maybe this is a really valuable conversation for all couples to have is like, how do we allow each other to have some freaking spaciousness in our days? To, like, take a little break every now and then and to not judge ourselves for needing that break and not judge each other for needing that. Okay, let's go on to the next question. Why do guys get so goofy and gropy when trying to initiate sex? And so we got another question, like, very similar to this. It was like, why do guys always do the boob honk?

Well, okay, there are some similarities and maybe some differences too. So I think with the goofy and gropy, I think that there. This is a. This is a way to avoid vulnerability, to have some plausible deniability around a vulnerable thing, which is initiating sex. And I can definitely say this from experience. I have fallen into this trap many times in my life. It doesn't feel good to be turned down for sex. And especially if you are asking very directly, hey, do you want to have sex right now? And someone goes, oh, no, that feels horrible. And so you really want to avoid that embarrassment, that disappointment, that all those feelings that come along with it, because men are generally not very well equipped to handle those emotions anyway. And so what's an easier way to get let down? It is to have some plausible deniability, to be able to say, oh, no, I was just joking. And what's a really great kind of joke thing like, oh, kind of goofy or gropy initiations, because it can vary. You can easily kind of deflect into, oh, no, I wasn't initiating sex. Like, then it's like, more like, you know, for your partner. Like, what were you thinking?

Yeah.

So I think it's a way to avoid a potentially awkward situation, Something that you don't feel comfortable with.

I think as women, it's so easy for us to get irritated, annoyed, frustrated by this kind of initiation because it feels lazy, it feels immature, it feels disrespectful sometimes, especially the, like, super gropy kind of touch.

And I imagine it can feel confusing, too, because you don't know, oh, is he serious or not?

No, we know. Like, we know you're trying to initiate. And so that's what makes it even more annoying, because then when. When he's like, oh, just joking, I'm like, no, you're not. So it's like, not only are you annoying me, but then you're trying to gaslight Me too, into saying, like, I wasn't actually initiating. I think women, we are so attuned to when men are trying to initiate. Like, I know when you're gonna initiate, like, well, before you even come around and do it, sometimes I just feel the vibe.

Well, I mean, for me, like, I'm not, I'm not ever trying to be sneaky with it.

I know. No, I mean, we have great initiation because it's again, something that we've worked on because we've experienced these exact dynamics ourselves. But anyways, I just think it's really valuable for women in male, female relationships. I think it's really valuable for women to understand that men resort to this because of their, like, vulnerability and trying to avoid that vulnerability. So the next time you feel annoyed by your partner, try to think of your partner just feeling super nervous and self conscious and lacking confidence and like, wanting to connect with you but not knowing how. And if this is something that you want to be better in your relationship, if you want initiation to feel like the exciting, thrilling invitation that it should feel like, then definitely check out our course, the Art of Initiation. We will link to that in the show notes for you. But again, this is like another one of those things that we struggled with in our own relationship. And once we figured it out, like, we got super passionate about sharing our techniques and resources with people because we know, like, this is actually what was the poll that we did. We asked people, do you like the way initiation works in your relationship? Only 17% of people said yes. So 83% of couples are like this. You know, this sucks. Like, we want it to be better. So this is a really fun journey that you go on together. It's like a super play. It's all podcast style, so it's basically just like listening to us. But we'll lead you through exactly how to initiate with your partner, understanding what your partner wants, what you want, how you both can get more confidence and just create so much more excitement around it. So we'll link that the Art of initiation in the show notes for you. But I guess, like, Xander, you mentioned that there, the two things are slightly different. So is there something. Let's take the initiation out of it. Why do men like honking boobs so much?

So, you know, I think, okay, obviously there is the element of like, you know, men don't have boobs in the same way that women do. So there's a novelty factor, of course, but that, that can't explain all of it. I think when it comes to the boo Pong and some of the more, like, gropey or just kind of like, gross sex jokes that. That guys like to make. I think it's a. I think it's a. It's. It's a lack of confidence and a lack of maturity around sex. And, you know, it's not a huge surprise if you think I'll speak for the United States. I'm curious if this happens, you know, in maybe other European countries where there is much better sex ed in schools.

But, like, honestly, if you're with a European man, let us know. Does he do the boob honk?

Yeah. Or does he make, like, gross, like, gropey jokes or stuff like that? Because I think, like, here's the reality is that, like, we don't learn. We don't learn, like, the. The real facts and information that we need to know about sex in school. And, you know, so. But. But at the same time, like, men have this feeling of, oh, we're supposed to. We're supposed to know everything about everything. Like, we're supposed to be good at sex. And how the hell are you supposed to get good at something? Feel comfortable with something? Know what. What is going to happen when nobody teaches you? And so. So you have this, like, these competing desires of, like, well, I want to be good at it. I don't know how to be good at it. You know, like, friends are joking around about it. You want to try to show your friends that you know what you're talking about. And so, like, you know, their guys talk about a lot of stuff that isn't actually backed up with experience. And so I think that there's just a lot of sexual immaturity. Like, you know, and it's like, eventually, once you do have a partner, you kind of end up playing out some of these, you know, more teenage dynamics that, like, you never really got to get past because you never really got comfortable with it in the first place.

Wow, he's going deep with the boo bong.

That's what I think.

Okay, Xander, why do guys jackhammer during sex for long periods of time? So first, can you explain what a jackhammer is? For anybody who doesn't know.

Okay. To explain. This is hard to explain. I was like, it's much easier to show.

No, you're not showing it.

Thank God we're on a podcast. No, I mean, jackhammering is just really hard thrusting during sex. Like, I see you, like, yeah, probably I'm thinking, like, missionary or doggy style. Like, just really. Oh, there you go, you know? Oh, God. I didn't even mean to like, just.

Like, just thrust it right now.

Like, slamming it at, you know, a pretty fast frequency, so to speak. Fast and consistent.

Okay.

Like a jackhammer. Yeah, there you go.

So here's where, like, the disclaimer about everyone's unique comes into play. Like, there are definitely some people who enjoy being jackhammered. I enjoy being jackhammered for, like, brief periods of time when the mood is right.

Brief periods, I think, is the key term.

Okay. But I will say that there are also a lot of people who absolutely hate being jackhammered. Like, don't ever do it. And there are even some people that it causes a lot of discomfort and pain. Like, you're going so fast, so hard, like, it really can hurt. So I would say, like, overall, the majority of people do not like being jackhammered. And definitely not anywhere near as much as the average man jackhammers. So why do guys do this porn?

One word answer. Pretty simple.

Porn.

You see it a lot. But, yeah, porn is just entertainment. It is not a reflection on what sex is or should look like in real life. And again, it gets back to that lack. Lack of education, lack of, like, you know, ways to just build up that confidence and understanding of what sex and intercourse are supposed to be, you know, from a younger age. And so, yeah, should it be. Is it a big surprise that a lot of men revert to what they see in porn thinking, like, this is what I should aspire to?

I heard such a great example about porn sex and the differences between porn sex and real sex the other day. Like, somebody was talking about how in porn, when a man is going down on a woman, like, you see it filmed where his face is pretty far from her vulva and he's like. Except extending his tongue to, like, just kind of flick at it. And they were saying, like, they have to do it that way because how else would you film it? Like, you don't want to have the guy, like, fully up and, you know.

Can'T be covering the thing that you're trying to show.

Exactly. Like, it wouldn't look good. And so, you know, that's how they're filming it. But in reality, like, that is not a good oral sex technique. Like, maybe for a second, maybe as a little warmup. But, like, in general, it's like, you gotta have your face all up in there. So I think that's a perfect example of, you know, things are filmed in a certain way to look good on film. But that does not mean that that's what you actually want to try in real life.

Yeah. Because, I mean, I guess it's. It is really the same thing. Like with jackhammering, it allows the camera to catch like all of the action. Like seeing everything.

Yeah.

Going in and out and the motion is clear of what's happening. I think that, yeah. If you were just to like, film most people having real life sex, like, there's not nearly as much movement.

Yeah.

As you would see.

It can be a much more subtle grinding or as much slower, or your bodies are staying closer together rather than like coming all the way out and then thrusting all the way back in.

Yeah. But most men have never seen that. Where would they have ever seen or heard about that? So, again, is it a big surprise that, you know, men think that, you know, basically how they are good at sex is how long can I last jackhammering? Because honestly, it's hard to last very long doing it. And so it's, you know, this is like. If men are like, oh, well, this is what I'm supposed to do. I need to try to train myself to be able to just do this for long periods of time. Not only is your partner not going to like it, but you're actually going to train yourself to like, struggle to get pleasure during reg, you know, regular intercourse.

So ironic. For sure. So this is definitely something that every male, female couple should talk about. Like, do you like the Jackham Ring? Is there a place and time for it?

How long do you like it for?

Yeah, how long?

That's huge.

How often? What does the vibe need to be like? Or are you someone who's just like, no, please don't ever jackhammer me.

It hurts. Yeah. I mean, I just look at it like an energetic thing. I would never just come in guns blazing, jackhammer, come in. Jack's hammering. Wow. But it's more of. Yeah, it's an energetic thing. Like, oh, like, you know, is like, you know, is the, is the energy rising? Like, you know, are we. Are things getting more intense? And the. That, you know, it's like, okay, yeah, like, let's do this for, you know, a moment and then let's slow it back down. So that's how I think about it.

I think that's another thing people don't understand about sex is that there, there should be this, like, ebb and flow to it.

Yeah. It's not like a. Not like a straight line, straight up line.

Like, just keep increasing speed and intensity and pressure until everybody orgasms. Like, it's nice for there to be a little Flow to the things. Okay, Xander, Why do guys wait for their partner to bring up the hard relationship topics and things that can be improved? And I want to be very transparent here. This was the case in our relationship for the majority of our relationship, too.

It was. It absolutely was. You know, I think that, you know, we. We kind of mentioned this before that, you know, men have less experience being vulnerable. It's less socially acceptable to be vulnerable. You know, I think that, like, you know, while. While, you know, women might be, you know, girls might be hanging out, talking about their feelings and, like, learning, you know, kind of communication skills. Men, on the other hand, are joking about farts and shits and, like, make it and, like, you know, kind of like blustery sex stuff that.

Blustery.

You know, I'm trying to think of, like, the right word, you know, like talking about sex even though they're not actually doing it.

Braggadocious. Yeah.

Brag. Yeah. Braggadocious. Sex talk. So. So, yeah, like. And, you know, of course, then there's all these messages of, like, oh, you know, like, oh, men don't talk about serious things. Or, you know, men don't talk about feelings. You know, you want to be the strong, silent type. So if that's the way that you have been socialized, then, like, it's not going to feel comfortable to bring up a hard topic, especially if you don't feel confident in, like, how to have the conversation. But I think here's the key, is that I don't. I think. I don't think that most men are oblivious to, like, what these hard conversations are, what they need to be like. I think that, you know, there might be this perception of, like, oh, well, like, you know, why do I, as a woman have to always bring up the hard topics? And then, like. And, like, the guy's, like, totally caught off guard. I think most guys have a sense of, like, what the issues are, and it's more of a sticking your head in the sand or being avoidant than it being like, oh, I had no idea. Of course, there are always going to be situations like that, and that could be any gender where it's like, one partner brings something up and the other partner is like, I had no idea about that. But I think that, you know, guys very often, you know, we've been socialized like, you got to fix your own problem. You got to fix stuff on your.

Own competence issue that comes up for men. Like, men are supposed to be competent. You're supposed to know what you're doing. You're supposed to do things right. You shouldn't need to ask for help.

Yeah. So you're gonna try to avoid those conversations. And, you know, I've spent tons of time deluding myself trying to avoid those conversations, being like, well, if I, you know, if I can just buy a little time, maybe I can fix this problem. Maybe it will just get better on its own. You know, maybe I'll try this. I'll try. I'll try anything but talking about it to try to make this problem go away so that we don't have to have the conversation.

So do you have any advice for a woman in a relationship with a man who's like, I'm tired of having to always be the one to bring stuff up. Like, how do I get him to be invested in our relationship, too?

I think one thing that can be really helpful is planting the seed that you want to have a certain conversation rather than just bringing it up in the moment, like, hey, we need to talk about this right now. Because I think that. That, you know, men, you know, who have been more, you know, traditionally socialized, can really struggle with that in the moment. Because it's like, you're like, oh, no, I don't want to talk about this now. I'm not ready. I don't know how to have this conversation. And that's just like, starting on a, you know, on a horrible footing. So what? What? You know, one thing that can be super helpful is be like, hey, I would, you know, I would love to have a conversation in the next couple of days about this topic. You know, I want to give you some warnings so you have some time to, you know, to think about it or ask questions or whatever. And, you know, either scheduling when you're going to have that conversation or, you know, or just saying, like, hey, I'd love you to think about this. And, you know, we'll circle back to this in a couple of days because that can give him some time to think about it. He's not going to be caught off guard anymore. He can have time to think and sort of process. Because I think guys just need longer, at least at first, to process things and kind of figure out how they really feel about something. So I think that that is. That is a great first step.

Yeah. I'll also say, like, I think part of this is just coming to terms with the fact that, like, it's gonna be unfair. Like, I know in relationships, we want everything to feel fair and balanced, but that's just not the reality of, like, humans or relationships. Like, our relationships require us to step up and to, you know, kind of, like, do more than 50, 50 at times. And so, like, I, you know, I was the one bringing up, like, actively trying to work on the relationship, and I for sure got frustrated. I got resentful. Like, I really wanted you to be as tuned into it as I was. But I'm also glad that I didn't not bring those things up. Like, I could have said, like, screw Xander. He's got to do something. I'm going to, like, you know, I'm not going to say anything until he forces him to.

Yeah, I think a lot of people.

Do that, fall into that trap, and I didn't. And I'm really glad. And I would encourage people not to do that as well. Then some other tips are like, well, let us know if you want us to do an episode on this. We could definitely. Yeah, I think this episode.

This is. This is an entire episode, for sure.

Yeah. I mean, making it, you know, like, making it feel fun and positive to work on your relationship. Like, obviously, sometimes they're gonna be tough, but if you make it feel fun and enjoyable, and that's what, like, a lot of our guides do, you know, is we try to make being more intimate, you know, having deeper emotional and physical intimacy, like, feel very fun and exciting and, like, oh, I want to keep doing this, rather than, like, oh, we have to work on the relationship again. And also giving your partner tons of validation and praise and feedback about how good it makes you feel. Okay, let's get back into some lighter territory. I laughed so hard when I saw this next question. It was, why do men sneeze yell? And the thing is that this is not just a man thing in our relationship. I am the sneeze yeller.

You're more of a sneeze screamer, I would say. She's a screamer. She. It's not a yell. A yell would be more tolerable.

I will say, like. Like, I guess this is my version of your farts, is they just come out this way. I'm not trying to yell. I'm really not. And, like, if I. If I work really hard, I can try to, like, make them quieter, but, like, it hurts. It hurts to make them quiet. So, like, I just have to let it out the way that it has to come out.

Oh, interesting. This is very interesting.

But I'm not pushing it. That's the difference. I'm not pushing it. And I also still will try to have some amount of, like, good manners with my sneezes. Like, if I feel one coming on that I know is going to be a big one, like, I will go into the other room, like, and sometimes I will try to hold them down, even though I know it's going to hurt. So I still have some manners about it. But, like, if you're a sneeze yeller, you just are a sneeze yeller. I can't. I can't do a quiet, like, girly, little. Like, I've always.

I've always wondered about those. Like, how do people do that? I have no idea how you do that. Then again, I also just. I was gonna say I have no idea why men sneeze, yell. I don't. I just. I feel like I have fairly normal. You have a normal sneeze, and that's just how my sneeze is. The. Like, trying to somehow yell while doing that seems very weird.

It's a lot of pressure that's, like, built up, and you just have to, like, let it go. So that's. I'll explain that one for you.

Let men and women sneeze the way they sneeze.

I really don't think. Yeah, I think, of course, like, maybe some people are hamming it up because they think that it's funny. And if you think your partner's hamming it up, you can definitely talk to them and say, like, hey, can you try not to do that? Or, like, go into a different room if you have to, or just try to make it a little quieter or, like, into a Kleenex or something like that. That can make it softer. So you can definitely have a conversation about it. But I will say, as somebody who is just. Just 100%, like, a natural sneeze yeller, like, I'm not trying to do it. I swear it. Just, like, they just come out that way. Okay, Xander, why do guys act like they're in labor when they have a simple head cold? Otherwise known as, like, man flu, man baby syndrome. Why do men get so helpless, so pathetic when they're sick?

Good question. I don't know. When I feel sick, I just don't feel very good.

I think I have an answer.

I think that there's probably some psychological element of wanting to be taken care of by your mommy, probably back in the day, you know, if you. You learned that if you hammed it up a little bit, that you got to stay home from school and your mom would take care of you and that, you know, that's probably something that you miss. And so there might be an element of that going on.

You know what? I think that this is very similar to the pooping thing. Like, I think that especially in the US I don't know how it is in other countries, but I think we really struggle with being sick or hurt. Like, we just cannot give ourselves a break. And, I mean, we also have to acknowledge, like, there's a whole bunch of systemic stuff that makes it really difficult. Like, it's not like, you know, most people cannot afford to just have this leisurely, like, oh, I'm just gonna stay in bed for two weeks, do nothing. Like, all my bills are gonna get paid for. The nanny and housekeeper are gonna come in and take care of everything. Like, I get it. It's really difficult for us to do that. And it's fucked up that we've created this society where people cannot rest even when they are in their most vulnerable times. But I do think that all of us should be more gentle on ourselves when we're sick. And, like, I get it. I'm also somebody who struggles to let myself rest. Like, I want to get up. I want to do stuff. I feel like, you know, there's, like, I feel worthless when I'm just sick and I can't do anything. And I will also fully admit there have been plenty of times where I've seen you sick, and I'm like, this. This man is hamming it up so hard. He is not that sick. Like, you know, so I. I've. I've been on both sides of it, but I do think there is something about us just, like, giving ourselves a chance to freaking rest.

Like, if you're sick, you'll get better faster.

If you're sick, you're sick. And, you know, that doesn't mean. Okay, I want to say, I. I think some men take it to the extreme where they're like, they want their partner to do everything for them. And they, you know, won't even acknowledge, like, how challenging it is for one partner to be down in a relations if you have a family, like, if your partner is having to do everything. So I do think some men take advantage of this. Some men are assholes about it. But the general idea of, like, allowing ourselves to rest when we are sick, that is valuable and important, and we should all be trying to do that a little bit more. Okay, Xander, next question. Why do guys scratch their balls, touch their balls, and adjust their penis this constantly?

You would not believe how, like, weirdly, like, sticky isn't the right word, but, like, I can't think of another word like, it. It just kind of like the skin sticks together, you know, like, and it is uncomfortable. And so you, Vanessa, you're always wondering, like. Like, where. When you're in that position, like, where are your balls? Like, where's your penis?

I am often concerned about the balls. It just. Just. It's not a good design. It's not a good design. Like, those balls are important. We need balls for the survival of the human species. They should not be squished between the legs. Like, it's so weird to me. I. I will just, like, think about it sometimes. I'll just watch you, like, walking around, and I'm just laughing to myself of.

Like, there's balls in there.

There's balls there. How are they not getting, like, squeezed and twisted and, like, it's just. It's not good.

Yeah, so. So what I always say is, like, I don't know, it just kind of works out, like, you know, whatever, you know, as you, you know, pivot or shift, like, they just kind of move. Sometimes they're a little more in the front, sometimes they're a little more in the back. But I think the trade off there is that they do tend to kind of like, stick to the sides of your legs and, you know, just in your groin area. And so. Well, obviously, like, that's why men, man spread. It feels pretty good to just feel those balls disconnect from both sides of your legs. I'm doing that right now. It's great. I actually. I did that and I'm like, oh, yeah. It's a good feeling. Like, oh, okay, good. Like, they're not. Like, I can feel them coming unstuck. So there is. There's definitely an element of that, like, the. The adjusting thing. It's not that you need to. It's not that I'm in pain or whatever, but there is just. It's just a bit of a discomfort, like. And so it's like, well, I'd rather just not be in, like, discomfort with my genitals. So, you know, I'm going to adjust now. I will say, when it comes to the, like, the touching part, like, I don't know. That is a little weird. I think, like, some guys, like, stick their hand down their pants. It's like more of a. Like a comfort kind of thing. Self soothing. I don't know. That's never. That's never been me. So I can't really speak for exactly what that's about. But that's definitely a thing that some guys do. Probably a minority of guys do. Is kind of just like having their hand right there. You know, I think that that's, you know, probably not necessary. It's maybe a sign that like, oh, maybe you should like find some other ways to think about self soothing or maybe, you know, bring some more self care into your life, a little meditation or, you know, something. So I don't know. That's what I think about that one.

All right, our next question is why can't men ever remember plans that you told them about? So I think in a lot of like male female relationships, it often falls on the woman and often quite unfairly. To be like the, you know, the family planner. And this is something that we hear so often is like, yeah, I told them that we were going to, you know, the, the kid's friend's birthday party at 1 on Saturday and he totally forgot. And then you often hear like, like, oh, you never told me that. And it just becomes this. I think that this is a very common recurring fight that a lot of couples have. You never told me that. Yes, I did.

Or, yeah, or like, I don't remember that or whatever. Yeah, well, I'll ask, I'll answer your question with a question. Why do we collectively now, why do we, like when we are just going somewhere in town that we know how to get there and we've been there a million times, why do we put it in the GPS in the car? Why do we hit home on the GPS even when we know how to get home?

Because we're lazy.

I mean, it's. Because it's.

I want to know the most efficient way to get home.

Well, I mean this, I think this is super interesting because we are both from the era of like, there wasn't GPS when we started driving and it wasn't, you know, it wasn't until the smartphone era that basically like GPS became an affordable thing. Used to be extremely expensive to have a GPS system.

Oh yeah.

In your car. Like super unaffordable. And they were bad.

Yeah.

But you know, then it was like GPS and like turn by turn directions and, you know, traffic monitoring and all this stuff and it was like, you know, but back in the day you just had to know how to get places. Right. Or you had to print out a map or have a map in the car.

MapQuest, like, yeah, like you turn by a turn.

I remember when I was a kid, my parents had like tons of California maps in their car, like from AAA and stuff like, oh, like Central California, Northern California, Southern California. And you have to be like looking at the Maps. And it was like, oh, this freeway is closed. We gotta take another freeway. Like, I don't know what freeway to take. So, you know, like, we used to have to know where we were going. And. And I remembered at first being like, oh, well, I take pride on the fact that I have a good sense of direction and I know my way around places. But something very funny happened once that GPS was available for me. And I'm pretty sure it's happened to you, I'm pretty sure it's happened to most people, is that our brain just does this thing where it goes, oh, I don't actually need to take up the time or space to remember that stuff anymore because the. The thing will tell me how to do it, and it'll probably do it better than I can because it's looking at the traffic and it's going to route. You know, the excuse most people would give is, yeah, I know how to get there, but what if there's traffic? It's going to tell me the fastest way and I'm going to save one or two minutes. And I think that that is kind of what goes on here is it's like, okay, well, I'm not saying this is right or wrong. I'm just saying that this is. I think what happens is that it's like, well, okay, well, she. She has all the plans. She made all the plans. She remembered all the plans. Like, if I get my hands in there, I'm only gonna mess things up. Like, I don't know the whole picture. So, like, I. I'm certainly not gonna go, like, make a plan, because it's probably gonna conflict with something that she's already doing. And, like, I think there's a way that our brains just. They don't hold space for the things that we know someone else is doing for us. Someone or something. So just like, it's just like the gps, it's like, oh, well, that's what she does. And so, like, I don't really need to remember. And so what happens is it's kind of in one ear out the other. Like, you know, you know, she probably feels like, oh, well, I told you what we were doing. And what he heard was, oh, yeah, okay, yeah, we're like, birthday party next week, whatever. She obviously has the plan and boom, it's gone.

Oh, I hate that. I think this is another good conversation for couples to have, though, about, like, who's in control of scheduling. Is that fair? Or is there a way that you can, like, divide it up so that you Know you're both being a part of it and also like having some sort of external tracking system. Like you have to have a family calendar.

Yeah, like that.

Yeah, you gotta, it shouldn't just be all in one person's head and like, and put those freaking reminders on it. If your partner needs, you know, they, they need reminders like every day leading up to the thing, then they got to set up their little events with reminders every day leading up to the thing.

Yeah, that's exactly what I was going to say is that, yeah. If you are in a situation where it is all in one person's head or even if it's partially in someone's head, then that is not fair. You're not setting your partner up for success at all. Because. Yeah, how are they, how are they going to remember when it's like, okay, well, like half of it's on the calendar, but then half of it is in my partner's head. So, you know, in like. So yeah, put it. It's gotta all be somewhere on a calendar so that the other partner, you know, can get trained to like, okay, well, before I ask, oh, can I do this? Or can we do this at whatever. It's like they have to learn, okay, first I check the calendar. That's like the first line of defense. And then it's like if you check the calendar and it looks, and it looks free or you have a question about something, then it's like you go to the partner and it's like, okay, so I checked the calendar. This is what it look like. I wasn't sure about this. What do you think? Or something like that. And then it actually feels like you're engaged in, in the planning and the scheduling as well. Or even if it's like, your partner is here, here's a great thing for, you know, for guys if you, your default is not to be the planner type or you're like thinking, oh, yeah, she just has it in her head so I don't really need to remember is that it's like if you, what you want to do is get to the point where if she says, oh, hey, like, like we're gonna go over to Jill's tomorrow for like, you know, the kid's birthday party or something. What you should think of is, ah, like, oh, is that in the calendar? Like, let me add that to the calendar right now. And that's a way to get engaged with it. It's not that you need to remember everything as well as she does, is that you need to come up with a system that is going to work for both of you.

All right, last question. Xander. Why do guys like to come on your face? On your face? Specifically on my face. Come on one's face.

I think, again, this probably just comes down to porn. Honestly, if it wasn't for porn, like, I would have probably never even thought of this option.

Interesting. It's not some innate need within men, biological drive to come on a face?

I don't think so. Yeah, I really don't.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Okay, so they've seen it in porn. What do you think? The. Like, there's definitely a. An appeal. What is the appeal?

I mean, I think that the. It is. You know, there is. There is a sexual appeal to just ejaculating on things. It's sort of a. A unique thing that penises do. And so, yeah, I mean, I think it can be. It can be fun and sexy in certain circumstances to come on things. And so a face is another thing that you can. Come on.

Okay.

Yeah. I don't know. I mean, it's. Yeah, for me, it's like. Yeah, it's. For me, it's never been something that I like. Super duper love. I don't. I don't hate it. I don't love it. So for me, it's like, I'm not, like. It's not like, something I think about a lot, so I don't really know, but I. You know, I think that, yeah, it's like something that a lot of men have seen a lot of times. And so for certain people, you know, that kind of triggers a, like, oh, like, this is something that I really want to do or something that feels super sexy to me. I mean, I think all of us see all kinds of things in porn, on movies and TV or whatever, and we don't all immediately go, oh, my God, I have to do that. I have to do that. I have to do that. We all see certain things, and. And every now and then you see something, you go, oh, I never thought of that. Like, now I can't stop thinking about that. So some men kind of glom on to that thing, and some don't.

All right, well, that wraps up today's series of questions. Let us know if you want us to do a part two of this episode. We had so many questions get submitted this time around that we could not even look at all of them. Like, we just kept scrolling back, back, back, back. There were, like. Like, too many to get through. So obviously it was a popular topic. Let us know if you want us to do a part two and what specific questions you want us to cover. Come on over to Instagram. We're at Vanessa and Xander. And then we will link that course that we mentioned in the show notes for you, the Art of Initiation. And honestly, if you don't want to have a sex life that is just dictated by what your partner saw in porn and thought that you'd like, then come over to VM Therapy.com you can look at our Courses and guides tab. We have so many resources that teach you actually fun, pleasurable, sexy, exciting ways to connect. Like, we are all about creating real resources for real people, not a whole bunch of the crappy stuff that you just keep seeing repeated in porn over and over again.

Yeah, I mean, literally just like that person in our review of the week set. Like that person is the perfect example of what is possible if you go through the stuff that is in our world. Like, you know, obviously this podcast is great. We love this podcast. But you know, when it comes to the stuff, you know, that we have in our, in our courses and guides, there's some absolutely incredible, life changing stuff in there that is, you know, I think, really great bang for your buck and we would love to have you check it out and transform your sex life and relationship in the process. All right, well, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we discuss what is actually a very common situation that most of us don't realize is so common and actually feel really embarrassed and ashamed about. And that is when a woman has the higher sex drive in a male.

Female relationship, that's going to be a can't miss episode.

All right, see you next week.

Weekend.