Episode 123: A Parent’s Guide To Making Time For Sex And Intimacy

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Zander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationships advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Thanks to Cozy Earth for supporting our podcast. Cozy Earth provided an exclusive offer for our Pillow Talks listeners today. Get up to 35% off site wide when you use code pillow talks@cozyearth.com today we are talking about one of the most frequent complaints that we hear from our community. We don't have the time for intimacy. And we're talking specifically about parents. You know, parents tell us once you have kids, everything in your life shifts. And even if you thought you were busy and pressed for time before having kids, like, you don't understand, you know, it's like, next level, once you have kids, they just have this way and of, you know, understandably, like taking up so much time and space and energy in your life that it can feel incredibly difficult to reconnect with your partner, to rediscover the spark to even just have the time for intimacy. And I think this is also something that so many parents just are not prepared for. I don't think there's any way to know ahead of time or anticipate ahead of time. And it can bring up some really big feelings, like sadness about just not having that space anymore, but also this feeling of overwhelming overwhelm, of like, I, I just don't even know how to create that space or even feeling hopelessness. Like, I don't think it is possible in this season of life to find any more time or energy.

Yeah, I think it's really easy to get into that really hopeless or maybe even cynical place where, you know, you kind of joke about, like, oh, you know, intimacy. Yeah, right. Like, that's not on the. That's not in the cards for us. But the reality is, is that, you know, intimacy is a key part of, of our relationships amongst, you know, like your relationship with your partner. It's also a key part of how your kids see your relationship and how they model, you know, relationships for the rest of their lives as well. So this is an important topic.

It's also a huge topic. And there are so many different factors that can go into it. So what we wanted to do in today's episode is to focus specifically on time. How do we make the time as parents for more intimacy, connection, and more sex in our relationships? And we thought it would be really fun to make this feel like a very community centered episode. I think one of the biggest dynamics that can come up for parents is it's difficult to talk openly and honestly about the challenges that you're struggling with. And so we wanted to get input and advice and thoughts from the parents in our community so that you could all feel like, oh, my God, I'm not alone. Alone. I'm not the only one going through this. And I think sometimes there can just be some weird vibes between parents. Parents often feel judged by other parents of like, you know, well, oh, this person's saying, I have to do it this way or they do it this way in their family. And that's the best way. And so we wanted to see if we could take away some of that weird, like, yeah, competition.

It's like competition and judgment. Like, oh, well, they do. They do 10 hours a week of this, or you do no screens, you.

Know, that kind of stuff. Yeah. So we thought, like, let's try to create some good vibes in this episode and help each other feel not alone. Help each other feel supported, and of course, share some really good tips for making the time for intimacy in our relationships.

But first we have to make time for something else, something that is also very important. Perhaps not quite as important as making time for intimacy, definitely not as important, or continuing to have intimacy throughout, you know, the entirety of your relationship. But we still feel like this is pretty important. That's why we put it in our podcast right at the beginning every single week. And that is our review of the week.

That was the longest intro.

It was.

Yeah, that was.

I was really hoping that I'd pop this review open and it would be like two sentences and I'd be like, wow, My intro to the review was longer than the review itself. But at this point, I'm still talking. I haven't read the review. So we might be at that point where this is, you know, my intro will be longer. Let's see. I tell everyone about this podcast. I'm so happy I came across Vanessa and Xander's podcast. Every day I listen to one or more episodes as well as keep up with their content on Instagram. Although I'm not currently in a position to purchase any of their resources, my friends have purchased some of their resources just off my recommendation of their free content. This podcast in particular. This podcast will change not only your sex life, but the way you communicate with your partner and others more generally. I've gotten so much out of it, and every week I eagerly await for the next episode. Hell, yeah.

Wow.

You're doing it right. I love it.

Lovely review. Thank you so much for keeping up with all of our content. And thank you for sharing it with your friends. It really means so much to us and it goes such a long way in helping this podcast grow.

Yeah, and I know you haven't been in a position to purchase any of our paid resources yet, but you're going to be getting something now.

You are, because we do a giveaway every single week. So it's our way of saying thank you for leaving reviews. We pick a review of the week. If you hear your review read on the podcast, you can email us@infomtherapy.com and you will get to choose a masterclass that you will get absolutely for free. It's just our way of saying thank you. We really appreciate the reviews. Just think of it like. Like recommending the podcast to your friends. You know, just write a little review of, like, what you would say to friends if you wanted them to check it out as well. The place to leave reviews is on Apple. You have to go to the main Pillow talks page, scroll to the bottom, and you will find the reviews there. Thank you so much for leaving reviews. It really does mean the world to us and it helps the podcast so much. All right, well, let's jump into it. So we wanted to say a couple things off the top. The first is that this is meant to be a buffet. We are going to be sharing a ton of tips with you, and we want you to take what you like, take what sounds good to you, and leave whatever doesn't sound good to you.

Yeah, try it out. If you don't like it, put it back in the buffet.

No, don't. Don't put anything back in the buffet. Leave it on your plate.

I'm just messing around with this buffet metaphor since, you know, it's not, you know, I don't have to worry about food safety, so.

Yeah, but in all seriousness, every family is unique. Every couple is unique. What works for one family or one couple is not going to work for another family or another couple. And especially with what I said at the beginning of the episode that sometimes there can be this weird competitiveness amongst parents. Like, we really want to make sure to say, just because somebody shared this as A tip does not mean you have to try it. You should try it. It's the best way to go about it. Or something's wrong with you if it doesn't work for you or your family. I know I'm going a little overboard now, but I just want to make that super clear. We, we have so much respect for diversity of experiences, diversity in families, and we just never want to imply that any one tip is going to work for every single person in the world.

I mean, I feel like maybe some of that competition or judgment comes up because we. We desperately want there to be that one tip that just works and just changes everything. And so it's easy for us to be like, oh, I started doing this thing and now you got to do it too, because it works so well for me. But it's like, pick and choose what works for you. I mean, I feel like Vanessa and I try things all the time and it's like, eh, yeah, this one isn't really for us. And every now and then we find something that does work really well for us. Honestly, you probably gotta try more things. Like, you know, there's gonna be more things that don't work for you that do work for you.

Yeah. And I think there's also a value in trying things out and saying, you know, like, you're gonna have some tips where you're like, absolutely not. I don't want to try that. Not interested. But there might be some where you're like, oh, I'm kind of curious about that. I wonder if that would work. I wonder how that would go. And we're always big fans of trying things out and seeing what happens. Like, if it doesn't end up working for you, that's fine. Like, you learn something new about yourself and your relationship. But if it does work for you, that's great. You've just found something new. And one other thing that we wanted to acknowledge in this episode as well is that we are not parents. You know, we talk about this very openly, that we are not planning on having children. The only reason that we share content for parents, parents and about families is because I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. Like, my clinical training, years of experience, is working with parents and families. Like, I have that. That level of expertise.

And so many of you in our audience are parents and have kids. And we work with you. And so, you know, we like to be able to talk about this stuff with you because it's. It's a key part of, you know, sex and relationships.

Yeah. I just Think, you know, if, if I didn't have that training, if it was just the regular dude and the regular dudette, like, I think that would be maybe a little bit obnoxious, you know, like, so I wouldn't talk about parenting stuff if it wasn't something that I had a lot of training in. And training is different from hands on experience. I'm not saying I know what it's like to be a parent, what it's like to have kids. Like, absolutely not. Even if I was a parent, I wouldn't know what it was like to be the parent to your child or to be the partner to your spouse. Like, everybody's just so unique. But I think it's important to acknowledge that, you know, we see part of our mission in the world is like, okay, we have more time and more energy because we don't have children. But like, can we use that to support families and to support breaking these generational shame cycles around sex, like, helping make sure that the next generation has healthier and happier relationships with sex. So I know I'm going a little bit deep on that one too. But, you know, one of our core company values is transparency, and so we just like to share that kind of stuff. So that's also why we turn to our community for this episode to say, like, yeah, let's all share with each other. We want you guys to be able to share tips with each other and we will be the conduit for making that happen. All right, so let's get into these tips. First, we wanted to share some tips about mindset. So these aren't necessarily like time saving techniques, but these are just about, like getting yourself in the mindset to even focus on trying to create more time in the first place.

I mean, because the reality is that mindset plays a huge role in whatever it is that you're doing. Like, you could be, you could be really good at something. But you know, if you have a really crappy mindset going in, you know, like, hey, you're really good at golf, but you go to play golf and you're in a really bad mood, you're like telling yourself, I'm going to have a horrible day today. Like, you're probably going to play a horrible game. So, like, mindset impacts so much. And I think it's. It's so easy to be like, oh, no, I just want the tips. But the tips, like, don't really work if your mind is not in the right place. Like to use those tips properly.

Okay, here's what one Person sent in. You have to remember that your partner is your person. It's easy to get lost in parenting and leave your partner on the back burner, but they should be your number one. Your relationship made those kids, and your relationship will be what's left after the kids grow up and start their own lives. You want that relationship to be as strong as possible.

And I think, I just think that's so important. Like, the first thing that I thought of when I read that is like, you know, if for anyone who has been to therapy, you will recognize this, like, how often have you heard, you know, a therapist say, hey, you know, what does that remind you of from when you were a kid? Or like, what was this like as a kid? What was this like in your family? And the reason that therapists ask that is because what happens in our family, what happens when, when we are kids play such a foundational role in wiring our brains for how we see the world later on in life. So I think it is so important to try to remember that and, you know, to kind of get your mindset right around parent, you know, balancing being a mom, being a dad, being a parent versus being a partner. It's so easy to look at the short term and be like, oh, there's just not time right now. There's just not time right now. But the reality is there's like a long term thing to look at is like, how will my kids see the world? How will my kids, like, value relationships? Well, their idea of a good relationship. Kids are very perceptive. Like, you know, I think back to when you were a kid, like, it was probably hard for your parents to hide stuff from you. And as much as you think you might be able to hide things from your kids, like, they are going to pick up on it, whether it's conscious or subconsciously, like, they will pick up on that stuff. And so the way your relationship looks as your kids get older and develop, like, really from the very beginning, really sets the framework for how they will see what a relationship is and should look like as they age.

Yeah, I wanted to share that one because I appreciate the mindset of, like, this is important.

Like, I know it's always important.

Yeah, I know it might feel like, you know, parenting is so overwhelming and it absolutely is. But like, just remembering that our relationships are deserving and worthy of our time and attention and care. That being said, though, I wanted to follow it up with this one, which is be realistic. This may not be the time of your life when you have the most or the best sex. And that's okay. We got so many responses from people that were just like, I have no tips. I just want to send in solidarity. Like, this is freaking hard. It's really, really hard. Like, make more time. Like, yeah, your relationship's important. Just make the time for intimacy. Like, that sounds very easy to say, but the reality is it's hard. If it was easy, we wouldn't be making this episode. If it was easy, like, nobody would have responded to our polls and all of our questions. So I just appreciate this person saying, like, you know, yeah, like, relationships are important. Nobody's gonna deny that. And also, like, sometimes there are just difficult seasons of life, difficult seasons of parenting. Like, this may not be the most exciting sex. It may not be the most frequent sex. And, like, that's okay.

But here's, like, the key thing here to also remember. Just because it may not be the time when you have the most or the best, it does not need to be the time when you have no sex life. Here's what the next person said. We try to keep sex top of mind. We started dirty texting throughout the day to connect, express interest in sex and. And increased drive and arousal. This allows for each other to get prepared ahead of bedtime, as that is the most likely time when intimacy is possible.

So this tip is a mindset tip, but it also is a time saver tip. It is because when sex is top of mind, when you feel like you're at that simmer with each other, like, on a pretty consistent basis, it takes so much less time in the moment to feel connected and to get in the mood. So it's both the emotional intimacy and the physical intimacy. This person didn't specifically mention the emotional intimacy aspect of it, but it's like, you know, if you and your partner are feeling wildly disconnected all day long, if you feel like strangers to each other, ships passing in the night, like, when you get into the bedroom at the end of the night, like, it is going to feel, like, so much harder, and it takes so much more time for the two of you to get back on the same page, to reconnect. And similarly, with sex, if it's like, you haven't thought about sex in weeks, and then you're like, okay, you know, now's the time. Like, it's gonna take you a lot longer to get turned on and excited. So just thinking about, like, yeah, how do we maintain that physical and emotional connection with each other throughout the day?

You know, I think that a lot of people got tripped up Cause it's like, okay, you know, like this person said, you know. Yeah. The reality is, is that, you know, bedtime or right before bedtime is really the most likely time for intimacy. But the mistake a lot of people make is that there's no talking about that, no acknowledging of that until you get into that moment. And, you know, maybe one person ends up, like, having this expectation in their head of, okay, yeah, like, I want to have sex tonight. I know there's no time until bedtime, so I'm going to wait right until bedtime before I make my move. And the problem with that is that, you know, if the other person isn't prepared or isn't ready for that, like, you are so much more likely to get a no from that person. Because sex isn't something that they were thinking about in that moment. You know, unlike you, like, you probably were thinking about it throughout the day and thinking, yeah, I'm going to wait until this time. So it's. Yeah, if you're thinking about it, talk about it, so that you can each be thinking about it and each be getting prepared. And, you know, you'll actually, like Vanessa said, you'll end up saving so much time when you get into bed and just do it rather than feeling like, oh, well, you know, we. I don't really feel like that close to you right now. Let's sit and talk for 10 minutes. Let's cuddle for a while, you know, and then. And you're like, God, now. Now I'm just, like, fighting against the clock. I'm eating into my sleeping time. And that's a position no one wants to be in.

The next parent said, anything you want can be intimacy, a cuddle, a hug, or sex, et cetera. And this is something that we say often, too. Like, everything counts as sex. Penis and vagina. Intercourse is not the only way to have sex. So everything counts as sex. Okay, going back to what they said. Start small and work up to bigger things. If you don't have a lot of time or energy, something small and intentional can make a big difference. This is a big mistake that a lot of couples, parents or not parents, make. Like male female couples, we over emphasize and over prioritize intercourse, and we make it seem like that's the only way to have real sex. That's the only thing that counts. But not only is that not true, it also can feel like such a high barrier to entry. Like if you're an exhausted parent, you know, finally crawling into bed at the end of the night with your Partner, like, like, intercourse is going to feel pretty exhausting. Like, oh, man, I don't know if I can get myself psyched up to do that. But if you take this approach, like, everything counts as sex, then you're gonna find yourself feeling a lot more open. Like, if you say, yeah, you know, we can cuddle together naked, we can have a little makeout session, we can masturbate side by side. Like, if all those things count as sex, you're gonna be so much more open to it. Like, they take less energy. But then, you know, you get to enjoy the experience. You get to have some connection. Maybe sometimes you feel like having more.

Yeah, I mean, I think that's a common experience is that when we lower the bar a little bit, once we actually get started, we do end up feeling more excited. That's not a guarantee. It's never a guarantee. But I do think that most people do have that experience of like, ah, once I can, like, let myself get started in a lower pressure way, it starts to feel a lot more exciting.

And I think also when we have more options on the menu, it feels more exciting to choose something too. Like if I just ask you, hey, do you want vanilla ice cream? Yes or no? Vanilla's all right, you know, versus, like, hey, you can have any ice cream flavor you want.

Oh, you want, you want to go the big ice cream buffet where you can, you can, you can give the scoop back if you don't like it.

Oh, stop. You got really weird at this buffet comparison. No, but seriously, like, if you're like a yes or no binary decision feels a lot less exciting and enticing than like, oh, any one of these. I mean, that's why people love buffets, because they're like, I get to try everything, I get whatever I want, you know? So make your sex life feel like a buffet. That's the short version of this tip.

All right, now I love this next idea. I'm very excited to share this one. So this person said, we do me nights two nights a week after the kids go to bed, where we get alone, time to work on our interests, hobbies, relax, et cetera, to fill our own cup. And the other three nights, we do we nights where we have an in house date, where we will play a game, watch a show, read a self improvement book together. I think this is so cool. I really like this. Just sort of breaking it out.

Like, we versus me.

Yeah, we versus me. Sort of like, what is the vibe of the night going to be? And just like knowing in advance I think is so helpful because this is something that could have been so helpful for us early on in our relationship, because it was like, you know, we were kind of the first, like, serious people we'd ever moved in with together, like, in a relationship. Right. Like, we had just moved in together. We're like, okay. We're, like, with each other all the time. And, you know, like, I. I definitely. I had, like, hobbies and interests and stuff where, you know, I definitely struggled in my head of, like, okay, well, like, I'm in this relationship now. I'm living together. I don't really know how to, like, ask for me time in a way.

Yeah.

And I like this sort of, like, formalizing of it a bit. I know some people may not like the formalizing of it, but, you know, it could be, you know, more, you know, up in the air. It could be, like, two and two, and then one is a wild card, and you kind of talk and decide what feels best for you. But I know for me, it would have felt so nice to just know, like, okay, yeah, like, tonight is a me night. I'm gonna, you know, do some music stuff or I'm gonna do some whatever, you know, whatever it is that you would want to do with your own time. And you can kind of get yourself in that mindset, get ready for that without feeling like, oh, do I have to, like, talk to my partner about that? Are they gonna feel disappointed? Are they going to have a different expectation? So I just love this one.

All right, and we're closing it out with a final mindset shift that's pretty similar to the first one that I mentioned. But remember that your relationship is hugely important in your child's life. If you're not happy, they won't be happy. It's easy to let it go and deprioritize it for yourselves, but when you consider the impact it has on your children, that should be incentive to prioritize it for their sake. All right, so let's move into the tips for making the time, finding the time to prioritize your relationship. So first tip that we got, and this was a very popular one, and one that we absolutely love and recommend for all couples, regardless of if you have kids or not. And that is to schedule time together, schedule date nights, and schedule sex nights. So let's read a couple of different stories that people sent in. We started a weekly sex life night where we either talk about something related to our intimate relationship or engage in some sort of physical intimacy, usually both. Knowing we do this Every Friday helps us both mentally and physically prepare. So we're both ready to connect. We've used your podcast as talking points, the sexual bucket list, foreplay guides, and different posts you've shared to facilitate conversations. So I love this one. I love that it's a sex life night.

Yeah, I think that's cool.

And I love that there are options for it, too. There is physical activity, and there is, like, talking about or working on the relationship in some way. And we love this structure so much that it is, in fact, the backbone for our sex challenge, which we'll tell you a little bit more about later. But the sex challenge has two different activities that you get. One is more communication based, touch based, foreplay based, and the other one is more explicitly sexual. So we really.

We're all about giving you a choice.

Choices, man. But, yeah, I mean, I really love having different options so that even if somebody is not open to being physically intimate that night, it doesn't feel like it's been a waste of time or like, there's no intimacy. Again, it turns out, you know, it's that binary, like, are we being intimate or are we not being intimate situation. That's bad. But if we have choices in it of, like, okay, maybe I can't do anything with my body today. I'm just so exhausted. But we could talk about something. We could read something. We could, you know, do something together, like, that's so valuable. So we'll tell you a little bit more about the sex challenge in a bit.

Yeah. And then scheduling sex, whether it's, you know, literally scheduling it with your partner or, you know, maybe even just sort of scheduling it in your own mind, that can give you the opportunity to get yourself more mentally in the mood. So another person said, I made a pact with myself, unbeknownst to my husband, that I would be intimate with him. I had to plan it in my own head during the day so that I was more mentally prepared. I noticed the more I had sex, the more I wanted it. After only a short while, I was initiating almost every night, and my husband loved it. Our intimacy has improved so much, including during the day. We kiss and cuddle more than we ever have, and the kids think it's funny, but what a lovely role model that is to them. I like. I like calling out the kids. I mean, I think that's sort of a funny one too. Is that, like, you. You might have the experience of, like, your kids think it's gross or whatever, but it's like, that's what kids Say, but, like, they're going. What they're going to remember is like, ah, this is what a relationship looks like.

This is what love looks like. Yeah. And going back to scheduling, like, like I said earlier, we recommend scheduling quality time and scheduling dates all couples because we just think that's the life that we all lead these days. Like, our lives are very scheduled. And we put things in our calendar that are important to us that we make sure we want to show up for. And so I just think, like, why should sex be any different from that? If we. If our calendar is an indicator of the things that we value and how we're spending our time, like, why should intimacy with our partner not be on there? And I know people always love to talk about, like, oh, but we didn't used to have to do this. What do you think dating is like? Dating is scheduling. Intimacy. Scheduling.

Putting dates in a calendar.

You're literally putting dates in a calendar.

Yeah, it's in the word dating.

We're gonna hang out with each other on this date at this time. We are going to do this thing on this date at this time, place and location.

That sure sounds like the scheduling to me.

So why is it such a bad thing for us to schedule it once we've gotten into the relationship? It makes no sense. Okay, I could do a whole episode about scheduling. I won't go off on that tangent. But schedule it, man. It's such a great option. Before we go any further, let's tell you a little bit more about Cozy Earth. They make luxury linen and beddings, and they make our absolute favorite sheets of all time. We have tried a lot of sheet sets and we have bought some very expensive sheet sets. But we love our Cozy Earth sheets so much more than we have ever loved any other sheet set. And we have teamed up with Cozy Earth and they are offering you 35% off when you use the code pillow talks@cozyearth.com that is a totally wild discount. So we really encourage you guys to at least go over to the website and check their stuff out. They have a lot of different products. We have the linen sheets that sets and duvet cover, and we absolutely love them. But they also have, like, a bamboo sheet set that's temperature regulating. All of their sheets are just incredibly soft and they get softer and softer with every wash. Like, Wash 5 to 6 was a total game changer for me personally. Like, I just thought the softness became absolutely next level. But we also love having Cozy Earth as a sponsor because we think that everybody deserves to have a bed that feels luxurious and sexy and great to get into. Like something that you just feel excited to crawl into at the end of the day. And we feel that excitement every single day. Peeling back the sheets, sliding on in. It is such a wonderful feeling. Whenever we travel, we talk about how much we miss our Cozy Earth sheets and want to get back home and into our bed. So we just truly love Cozy Earth. We love having them as a sponsor. We have bought their products with our own money. We've bought them as gifts for friends and family. Like we really stay stand behind these products and we want you to check them out too. Cozy Earth has provided an exclusive offer for Pillow Talks listeners today get up to 35 off site wide. When you use the code Pillow Talks. That's with an s pillow talks@cozyearth.com c o z Y-E-A-R-T dash.com all right, let's move on to the next one. This is one of the most practical tips in this episode. I think. So many parents wrote in and said get the kids used to earlier bedtimes. We have no problem making the kids go to bed early so that we can have some time to ourselves. Yeah, obviously this is going to be different for kids based on what ages they are. All the tips in this episode are going to be different based on what age your kids are.

Yeah, send your 17 year old to.

Bed at 6pm yeah, but a lot of parents like this was a perfect example of what I was talking about earlier about that judgment. A lot of parents said like, oh, I feel like I'm not supposed to or like it makes me a bad parent. Or like, you know, we're not like we shouldn't prioritize us time over the kids bedtime. And like obviously there is a lot of stuff with like sleep training and schedules and all of that. Like we are definitely not sleep experts. But I just appreciated that so many parents said like hey, screw whatever you think is you're supposed to do or whatever you think the right thing is. Like it's okay to make the kids go to bed even if it's just like 15 minutes earlier. It doesn't have to be something extreme but like make the kids go to bed 15, 30 minutes earlier and prioritize that time for each other. Like I think that's a great idea.

Not exactly a bedtime related one, but close. Another person said quickies during kids nap times are great. I agree. Quickies are great.

Another parent said there is no shame in putting on bluey and telling them mom and dad need to work on something important alone for a while. Somebody else said, don't let your kids being home stop you. When the mood strikes, preoccupy them and sneak off for 15 minutes like you're a teenager in your parents house.

Like that's like a mindset one as well.

Oh yeah, yeah. Like can you make the challenges of it, like actually feel fun and exciting? Of like, oh, can we sneak away? Can they stay distracted for long enough? Like can we be super quiet? Like all of those things can be frustrations, of course. And they can also be like sexy too. A fun challenge. But I also love, you know, the, the first one that I read. Like the whole no shame theme is just continuing to show up in a lot of these responses. Like, hey, it's okay, it doesn't make you a bad parent. It doesn't, you know, mean anything. Like no shame in putting on a little TV and running away and hiding and locking the door.

On the flip side though, when it comes to tv, here's another suggestion someone said, though, this has nothing to do with the kids. Stay away from the tv. It sucks away precious time and no TV in the bedroom.

So let's talk a little bit here about time. And I want to say this as delicately as possible. Like we never ever want to imply that finding time is just super easy. Like we get that there are a lot of things that are stacked against parents. And I also think for all of us parents, not parents, like for everybody, there are a lot of things in our lives that take so much time away that we're not even, like, we don't even realize how much time gets sucked into us. And I think TV and our phones are the two main culprits. So we also have to say, like, it's okay to decompress. I love watching me some Bravo reality tv. Letting my brain just turn off, vegging out. Like sometimes it really does feel like self care and not keeping track of how much time I'm watching. I'm not judging myself for watching it like that. You know, sometimes we just need to decompress and sometimes we can get really sucked into watching TV or being on our phones and not even realize how much time we're spending on them and not actually end up feeling relaxed or decompressed.

But babe, what if someone has been sucked into listening to this podcast episode and it's like, it's 8 o' clock at night, the kids are in bed, their partner maybe is kind of puttering around like one Wondering what's going on. You got your earbuds in, like, what. What do you say? Stop the podcast. Go be intimate.

Okay. But really, though, like, I do think it is worth being thoughtful about how you are using your TV and phone time and trying to prioritize, like, your human being partner and your relationship over TV and phone. So, like, do what you need to do to decompress. Maybe try some other things to decompress, too, if it doesn't actually feel like being on your phone or TV wind up making you feel like, that much less stress. So we're not saying never watch it ever again, but maybe see if there's the ability to cut down on some of the time that you spend on those things.

Yeah, I mean, I think this. I have an interesting perspective on this one because you and I used to watch a lot of tv. We used to have, you know, a lot of, like, just most weeknights, I think we used to end up on the couch watching something.

Yeah. I mean, we had a TV for, like, over five years in our relationship.

Yeah. Wow.

We noticed a big difference when we took it out of the bedroom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So definitely that. But also what I was saying is, like, in the last two years, you know, once we moved up here to Santa Barbara, like, our kind of, like, our schedules have changed and just based on what each of our general evening schedules are after work, we really only get, like, one day during the week where we. Where one of us doesn't have something to do in the evening. So, like, we actually do have time to sit and watch tv. And that was kind of hard at first. Like, I definitely grappled with, like, oh, well, like, we used to just kind of, like, lounge on the couch and watch whatever, but after a little while, it's like, well, no, like, this is kind of nice. Like, we're each doing things that we enjoy, you know, like seeing people doing things, that kind of stuff. And now it's like, our one night that we do kind of have for TV together. It's nice. Like, oh, yeah. Like, it's Wednesday. We get to. We got to sit down and watch, like, an hour or two of, you know, whatever show we want to catch up on. But, yeah, the reality is that you get used to very quickly, like, changing that habit, I think. And for me, like, I started really appreciating that more like, once I kind of came to acceptance of, like, okay, it is not like it. Not like it. It used to be, but now I'm doing other things, and, like, I Still have just as much time for intimacy with.

With.

With Vanessa, if not more, because I'm prioritizing the stuff that really makes us both happy.

Also, I think there is a way to find a middle ground here too. Like, the reality of watching tv, especially if you're watching it with your partner, is like, it's the most disconnected activity. Like, we're both on our phones and watching the tv, you're on opposite ends of the couch. Like, it's so disconnected. So if you're gonna watch TV or if it genuinely does feel like, like, you know, relaxing or connecting to you, like, make it more connecting. Like, sit next to each other, hold hands, cuddle, don't be on your phones, pause the show you're watching and talk about it. Or, like, watch a show that's more engaging. Something that, like, actually requires a little bit of brain.

Or, like, have at it. Or have at it with the TV after you've been intimate.

Oh, yeah, and make that.

Make that a game. Hey, how long can we have to watch TV tonight? I don't know. Let's see how early on in the night we can have sex.

Oh, I like that tip. That's good for any couple. And here's a similar one. This one is about the phone. Instead of the tv, push past the desire to scroll on your phone and instead spend a few minutes talking or doing something together that isn't a chore. It's easy to say, I'm too tired. But when we push past it, we find ourselves more rejuvenated by connecting with each other than we would have via screen time.

Switching to another hot topic. Someone said, let go of the chores. The dishes can wait till tomorrow. The laundry doesn't have to be folded tonight. It's so easy to get into a perfectionistic mindset about household chores, but we've learned that it's better to prioritize each other.

This is another hot tip for any couple. Like, not just parents. Like, there really is this insane perfectionism that so many of us, myself included, like, have around our household. You know, this feeling. And I think, especially as women, we are socialized to believe that so much of our value lies in being good homemakers. Like having things orderly and tidy. And I think especially parents and especially on social media, it's like you see all these reels of just, like, ridiculously clean houses and perfectly organized toy bins and kids playrooms and all that stuff, and it just. Yeah, it creates this pressure where you feel like you're a failure as a mom, as an Adult as a wife, if you don't have this perfectly tidy home. So I think it is really valuable for a lot of us to try to take a step back and say, how important is it really for my household to be perfect for all the laundry to be done, for all the dishes to be done? Can I try prioritizing my, my partner instead of the dirty dishes?

And hey, pro tip for all those of you that watch Those Instagrams or TikToks where you're like, oh, God, this person's house is always perfectly clean. They're always doing whatever. Let me tell you little content creator secret. Most people are batch recording those videos probably on the day that their house gets cleaned, and they're just changing outfits. So it's not really that they have the perfect looking house. They have the perfect looking house on the, the day that they are recording that week or that month. Like, some people are recording like a month's worth of content at a time. So, hey, that's just Xander's content creation tip right there. Don't believe what you see on social media all the time.

We've also had experience personally with the magical way that intimacy, like, makes you superhuman. Like, we've had days that have felt so busy. Like, back to back stuff scheduled. It feels like there's not even any time or space to breathe. And we prioritized having sex. And I remember, like, at the, at the time, it felt like, what are we doing? We don't have time for this. We have so many things that we need to do. But we had sex and then we killed the rest of that to do list. Like, we went through things so quickly.

It was so easy, huh? Yeah. I mean, that, that was at least for me, that was like a recent development. I feel like a switch flipped in my brain after the first time that happened. Like, that was like a month or two ago.

I know. No, this is a recent discovery for us.

We've been doing this a lot now. And yet when it happened, it was a day I was like, I was feeling really stressed. And like, I don't, I don't very often get a lot of stress or anxiety about to do lists. But it was just feeling like a lot, lot to do, not very much time. And Vanessa and I were just talking through, okay, what do we need to get done before this time? And it was like. And you know, and one of the things on there was we would like to have sex.

And we were scheduling.

Yeah. And in my mind at first, there was a voice that was like, oh, there's no way you're gonna have sex. Like, how are you gonna have time for that? And then somehow I don't know where this voice came from. Thank God it came. I heard this voice that was like, well, if you want to have sex, like, you could do that right now and then figure the rest of it out. And I was like, you know what? Like, let's just do it right now. And then. Yeah. And that's what happened. We did it. And then it was like, the rest of the day was so smooth. It went so easy. We were in such a good emotional and mental place. And yeah, now that's just like a funny way that I kind of flip it around in my head. It's like, oh, okay, well, like, let's do the enjoyable one first so that we get some momentum going.

It does. It does wind up giving you so much more time and energy and productivity, and you feel like a real team. And this can also be such a valuable conversation to have as a couple. Like, share with your partner. Like, hey, sometimes I find myself feeling really distracted by all the chores or my long to do list. And I have a hard time, like, prioritizing you. And maybe there's even certain fears that come up for you of, like, like, I worry that you'll be disappointed in me or I worry that it's going to annoy you if I don't have my chores all finished. So, like, I just want to run that by you. And you and your partner might be able to have this great conversation of, like, you know what, let's take our standards down for certain things or let's outsource certain chores to other people. Or maybe it becomes a we need to talk about our mental load and responsibilities because they are not evenly split in this relationship. Like, they're. There's so many dynamics could feed into this, but I think having a conversation about how you prioritize chores and to do list items can be really beneficial.

Or you can split the mental load more than just two ways. Because someone else said, get the kids involved in chores as early as possible. Our next suggestion was someone saying, I've found that when we go to bed at the same time, there's more connection, but both physically and emotionally. Even if I'm not tired yet, I will lay with my hubby in bed to feel close. We also ditched pajamas a few years ago to increase our skin on skin time.

I had to leave that last sentence in there.

Love it.

Just, you know, a little extra skin to skin time. Our Next tip is one of our favorite. Fuck first. This couple said we make it a priority before we go out, if we are going somewhere, knowing that once we get home, we will likely be too tired. So if you've never heard us talk about it before, the fuck first rule is trying to have sex before you go out to dinner, date night, any sort of event that you have to go to. With the idea that most of us, when we have been drinking, eating, end of the night, we get too tired, bloated, full to have intimacy. So it's all about trying to prioritize it earlier in the evening.

And obviously, I just have to jump in with the caveat, like, this one has to be tailored to your situation. It's not meant to be taken literally. I think a lot of times we say this and people go, oh, well, I can't, you know, I can't have sex before this one event or whatever. So therefore, this tip can't work for me. We're not saying you have to do this a hundred percent of the time. We're not saying it has to be, like, literally done like this. It's just figuring out how to prioritize that intimacy as early as possible before stuff that we know is going to get us tired or that we know it's probably going to take longer than is actually scheduled for on the calendar or whatever. And I just want to say that because whenever we say this, we always get pushback from parents on this one, and then we get pushback on the pushback from parents. You know, like, parents are split, like, oh, there's no way that this works. And then parents go, no, no, this does work for us. It's just like, like finding a way to make it work for you. So I just wanted to call that out. I know that, you know, this can be a triggering one to hear.

And a little pro tip from another parent on this one. One of our favorite suggestions that somebody said was they have the babysitter come over and then take the kids outside of the house. And they told the babysitter, like, oh, we just don't like the kids to have to watch us leave. But in actuality, they're just taking a couple minutes at home alone. And then we shared that one and a bunch of, like, nannies and babysitters wrote in on Instagram and they were like, yeah, we know what you guys are doing. And, like, it's totally cool. Like, we are so happy to take the kids out of your house and just, like, give you some time alone in your House. That's not an unusual request. All right. And to wrap this up, we are gonna do a speed round of bonus tips for intimacy. So when we originally posted on Instagram, like, we asked specifically parents, like, give us your best tips for making more time for intimacy. And we got so many responses that weren't exactly about time, but we were like, oh, are great ideas. So we're just going to share them with you. So we're going to read them all out to you. Okay, so first up, make your kids get used to having your bedroom door locked. Explain that they should knock, and you'll be right there. And the next one is trade babysitting duties with friends.

My top tip would be to make sure that the mental load is divided evenly or in a way that makes sense and feels right for your relationship. Once I ask my partner to help more with specific tasks, it freed up the mental space for me to be more open to intimacy.

And if you're interested in that, we have episode four, one of the OG Pillow talks episodes is all about balancing the mental load in your relationship. Here's the next tip. Sleep is so important. We need to make sure everyone in your family, including the baby, is sleeping well. When everyone is well rested and has a good bedtime routine, then you have time to be together as a couple. Reach out to to a sleep consultant if needed. Don't follow the sleep while the baby sleeps adage. You can wear a baby while you fold laundry so you can have sex while they nap. Do everything you can to have a routine consistent early bedtime. My wife and I have one to three hours a night to talk, snuggle, make out. It's essential to our marriage. I will say I know sleep stuff. It's very controversial. There are a lot of different opinions about sleep, but I think the overall idea of, like, making sure that everyone is well rested creates more time.

And our final tip, do the sex challenge. Making the time every day to do it helped us so much. And now we cuddle when we get into bed every night. Creating that ritual was really meaningful. We feel more connected now than we ever have. It's an absolute life changer.

So this is the sex challenge that I mentioned earlier in the episode, and we are doing something really special with it right now. So if you've never heard of our sex challenge before, it's 30 days of challenges. And like I mentioned earlier, every day you get an option. There's a sensual challenge, which is, like, often touch or communication based. And then there's a sexual challenge which is more explicit, but it is not always intercourse. You can actually do the entire challenge without having intercourse.

You also don't have to do it every single day, Even though it's 30 days. It's just 30 days of challenges. You can do them whenever you want. You can start and pause the challenge whenever you want. You can also just get them all in your email and then open them up whenever you want. That is a very common question that we get. It's just 30 days. You pick whatever 30 days you want.

Okay, so normally, the challenge is $139 for those 30 days, and people go absolutely nuts over this challenge. Like, we have so many incredible stories of couples who loved it, who experience, like, so much joy and playfulness and connection and intimacy. Like, a lot of you also have.

A lot of babies that got made from this challenge.

There were. We've heard about that quite a bit, But I think people feel really surprised by just how much intimacy it creates to do something, like, really fun and playful and different with your partner. Also, I know we're talking a lot about time in this episode. The challenges are designed to take, like, 10 to 15 minutes of your time. Like, this is not a. Okay, now you're gonna spend three hours soulfully eye gazing. You know, like, we know people are busy. These challenges are designed to be effective in a very minimal amount of time.

Bang for your buck.

And if you sign up before October 8th, we are doing something really special. Normally, the sex challenge is $139, but if you purchase before the 8th, we are also going to give you our course, Rediscovering us. This is specifically for parents looking to find more intimacy and create more connection after having kids. That course is normally $199, but you are going to get it absolutely for free just by signing up for the sex challenge. So the package is worth $338. You get it for $139.

That sounds like the deal of a lifetime to me, babe.

Massive, massive discount. So we just wanted to do this as a little way of supporting parents, of saying, hey, we see you. We know this is challenging. We want to give you this incredible gift. So this course, rediscovering us, it really walks you through how to reconnect, how to find each other again after having kids, and these very simple, practical ways of reestablishing and nurturing that connection. So you can do the challenge first, then come back to the course, or you can do the course first and then celebrate with the challenge. Whatever you want. They're both incredible. Options. And you are getting one of them, the higher priced one, the 200 value. And you're getting that absolutely for free. So you can go to vmtherapy.com love to check that out.

All right. Well, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we answer the question, is our relationship too boring?

Sam.