Episode 124: Is Your Sex Life Too Boring?

You're feeling disconnected from each other. You're feeling like strangers, maybe like roommates rather than romantic partners, ships passing in the night. Maybe you're feeling resentful of each other. Maybe you've been arguing a lot. Like you're not going to want to have sex with each other in those sorts of situations.

Nope.

We need to have this baseline level of emotional connection in order to make being physically intimate with each other not feel like such a leap. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Zander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Thanks to Dipsea for supporting pillow talks. Get an extended 30 day free trial when you go to dipsystories.com pillow thanks to Zocdoc for supporting pillow talks. Zocdoc is the only free app that lets you find and book doctors who are patient reviewed, take your insurance, are available when you need them, and treat almost every condition under the sun. Go to Zocdoc.com pillow and download the Zocdoc app to sign up for free and book a top rated doctor. In today's episode, we are posing the question, do you think your sex life is too boring? And I'm just gonna go ahead and answer that within the first few minutes of this episode here.

Wow.

I'm gonna say the answer is yes.

Zing. You're just going for it.

I am. Well, I'm cheating a little bit. That's because we went over to our Instagram audience and we asked you guys there, like, do you ever worry that your sex life is too boring?

O already know the answer. No fair.

I do. 86% of our community says they've worried about their sex life being too boring. So only 14% of people have, like, never worried about this. And honestly, I kind of Wonder about that. 14%.

Yeah. They could be lying.

Never, never worried about your sex life being boring.

Well, we say we shouldn't use the words always or never, but they barely ever do. I don't know.

Well, I mean, no shade here because we are within that 86%. Like, we've definitely had our own experiences with boring sex as well, and I think part of what we want to do in this episode is actually normalize boring sex a little bit. Like, the goal here is not that every single time you have sex, it should be jaw dropping and amazing and just earth shattering. So boring doesn't need to be big or scary. But overall, we know that people, you know, you don't want your sex life overall to feel boring. So in this episode, we're going to break down what does boring mean to us? A revelatory mindset shift and five secrets to an exciting sex life. We've broken it down for you. There are obviously a lot of different things we could do to work on our sex life, to have more exciting sex, to feel more connected in the bedroom. But we are breaking down for you the five most important secrets to having an exciting sex life now and for you, years and decades to come.

But first, Xander's gonna break down for you our review of the week.

Oh, look at that.

And I just dropped my own name in the third person. I guess I can't drop my own name in the third person. I referred to myself in the third person.

Xander referred to himself.

Xander referred to Xander's self.

Oh, God.

In the Xander person. Okay, wow. This one is titled Amazed. I stumbled upon your podcast a few days ago. I've immediately listened to them non stop. I. I've known. I've had a problem with being insecure and shy with my husband for the five years we've been together. Tonight I talked to him about listening and told him I was going to try to be more outgoing. We had a great night with three kids. Is easy to put our time on the back burner, but not anymore. We're going to prioritize our marriage and intimacy. Thank you for helping me. All it took were a few words of encouragement. Wink. And Vanessa, you're killing it.

Oh, thank you. Delightful review.

I'd have to agree.

I think this might be a callback to one of the episodes where we talked about, like, how much I respond to, like, words of affirmation and positive feedback.

Like the compliments episode, probably.

Oh, maybe it was the compliments episode. I love a good compliment, so thank you so much. These reviews really do go such a long way in helping pillow talks grow. This is not just a little ego stroke for us at the top of the episode. Like, it really does help us reach new audiences. Get recommended by Spotify and Apple and all that stuff. So that's why we ask ask you to do this. So if you've ever listened to an episode and gotten a tip or had a little laugh with us. We really appreciate you taking 60 seconds to go over to Apple Podcasts. Go to the main Pillow Talks page, scroll to the bottom and you'll see the review section. It's super easy. Just type a few sentences. It does not need to be meaningful at all, but just type a few sentences about why you like it or why somebody should listen to it. Like, imagine somebody who's never heard the podcast before and they're scrolling to the page and they're like, okay, should I listen to this one? Or your review is the one that pops up right on the top. Like, what would you want somebody brand new to know about this podcast? So even though it takes 60 seconds to do, we want to say thank you to you guys for being willing to support the podcast and just for taking that time. So we do this giveaway every single week. Once you leave your review, you are entered into the giveaway and if you hear your review read on the podcast, you can email us@infomtherapy.com and you will get to choose a masterclass to get absolutely for free. Just our little way of saying thank you. All right, so let's get into it. First, what we wanted to do is break down what does boring actually look like? I think it's just so easy in relationships for us to talk in these general words like, oh, yeah, our sex life, it's boring, or whatever. But we always get curious about what does that actually mean? What does that actually look like? Let's see, dig into this a little bit more. So we asked our community, like, what does boring look like for you? If you guys are having boring sex, what does that look like?

So the clear number one answer when we were asking you all, like, what does boring look like? Was predictability. So that's like, you know, we do the same thing every time or almost every time. You know, we're doing it in the same place, same time of day, same time of night, same order of events, the same positions, or the same very few or same only position. People also used words like routine or repetitive. And I think that those kind of all fall into this same category. And I mean, in general, I think predictability is kind of a good description of boring. Like when you say that you are bored, we tend to get bored of things that are the same every time or that we know what is going to happen and we're not excited about it.

Yeah, like, I'm bored of eating the same meals. I'm bored of going on the same walk. And I would say predictability is the way that I would describe the sex that we've had that's been boring. It's just that sense of like, I know exactly what's coming next. I know the, you know, the order of routines, how long each thing takes. Like, so there's, there's, it's hard to feel excited about it because you feel like you could like script it out in your head.

I think what's interesting about predictability is it's kind of a double edged sword in sex and relationships because in many ways predictability is one of the things that we look for in many areas in getting into, in getting into a relationship. Like, you know, we want sort of safety, security, predictability, reliability. I think it's just interesting. I'm not trying to make any judgment, but I do think it is really interesting that we actually do want a lot of predictability in certain ways in a relationship. I think that what can tend to happen though is that we kind of fall prey to the thinking of like, okay, yeah, well, like, you know, I want to predictably know that my partner is going to be at home when I get home from work. Or the predictability of like, okay, they do those tasks and I do these tasks. And especially once you start moving in together, like, the predictability I think, really ratchets up and it's kind of easy to be like, just kind of go blind to the predictability almost. And then it's like, oh, yeah, our sex life too. Yeah, like, oh, everything is predictable. Right? That's good. And then all of a sudden you get, you know, a couple of months or a couple of years in and you're like, huh, yeah, something doesn't feel as exciting as it used to. So I think it's just valuable to be able to look at predictability and be able to look at. There are many ways in which predictability is awesome and there are certain ways in which predictability can, you know, be not so awesome.

Yeah, you make a really good point about the safety aspect of it. Like, predictability can feel very safe and it can feel comforting. I mean, if you think about it the other way, like, what would sex really look like if it was unpredictable every single time? Yeah, you just had no clue what was coming next. That would be a little terrifying actually.

Where's he gonna put it? Where's going, where's it gonna go? What's gonna, what's in the box? What's gonna happen next?

Yeah, so I think what we're. And this Is why we're trying to be more nuanced about this conversation and say, like, you know, boring doesn't have to inherently be a bad thing. But I think we're looking for this balance of some predictability, but some unpredictability as well.

Yeah. I mean, interestingly, it would be great to have predictability around the fact that, like, hey, like, we're both gonna orgasm when we have sex. Like, I would like for that to be predictable. But yeah, there it's a. It's a very. It's a nuanced thing. We want some amount of predictability and we want some amount of unpredictability. That's what creates excitement.

Some other responses were, it feels more like a chore than an exciting thing we do together.

Yep. Chores tend to be boring. Most people are not, like, jazz up every day or every week to do those. Those same old predictable chores.

Well, and there's like a sense of obligation and expectation in that as well. Like, you don't have a choice about doing your chores. Another person said, we only do things that we know will lead to orgasm. And I think this one goes hand in hand with the predictability thing too. Like, you get this sense of, okay, this is what works for us. So we just keep doing those same things. And it actually can start off in a good way. You're like, you've gotten to this point in your relationship where you've gotten to each other, each other's bodies, what you guys like. And so we have this tendency as humans to, like, hone in on what is it that's working. And so it's not bad to initially do that. But most of us in long term relationships get to this phase where we realize, like, I've just focused so much on doing only the things that work, that it's become predictable and it's become routine and it's become boring.

And I think that this one really describes us at certain points in our relationship, Especially early on, once we kind of figured out what it was that really worked for both of us. And then it was like, oh, great. Like, we know how to each make each other orgasm every time. Let's just keep doing that.

Yeah. So like I was saying, it's like, it starts off good. It's great to find the things that work, but then it really narrows down, like what sex starts to look like between the two of you.

Yeah. Neither of us were like, yeah, cool, let's. Let's get boring.

Yeah. Somebody else said, like, there's a sense of the destination wins out the journey every time. And I think that's such a nice way of putting it too. It's like you become so orgasm focused that you're not thinking about the path to orgasm. And that's really tricky because sex, the orgasm itself, that's 2 to 20 seconds. But sex can last however long. So if you're just focused on the very end and the path there is not pleasurable, first of all, you're spending the majority of your time not feeling pleasure and excitement. And then if you're not feeling pleasure and excitement, it's actually going to make getting to the orgas orgasm so, so, so much harder.

Yeah, I mean, I think it's, it's just about, it's about having a balance of those two things. It's like you can't be solely focused on the destination. You also can't be solely focused on the journey because like, if you're solely focused on the journey, then like, we're getting into orgasm gap territory and you know, like sex that might not actually be particularly fulfilling for one or both partners. I mean, the same gets back to the predictability. I mean, this interesting with boringness, you could be having, I'm putting this in quotes, like what we've described as boring sex, like 95% of the time. But if the other five, like, it is kind of unpredictable and it's exciting, all of a sudden that feeling of predictability or that feeling of boringness is completely wiped away. I think that's the really interesting thing. It's like, you know, but it's like if you don't have that extra 5% or whatever that percentage is for you, then all of a sudden those quote, boring activities do feel boring. When in reality, most people that are having exciting sex are probably having quote, boring, predictable sex much of the time.

And another topic that gets wrapped up in this is perfectionism as well. Like we talk in our book Sex Talks about what we call sexual perfectionism, which is people like feeling like they want every aspect of sex to go super well. And I think that's where this, this focus on the org, on the destination, it really feeds into this perfectionism. This like, oh, I don't want to try anything new because maybe my partner won't like it or I will look like an idiot or, you know, it's just not going to go as well. And so people narrow down, like what we're doing in the bedroom together because we don't want to put ourselves in this vulnerable place. But of course, that only makes it feel like We've just got this very narrow window of things that we can do together, and it just leads us to be in our heads during sex. Like, not really, you know, not enjoying the experience, not enjoying the journey. Another person said, I think about past partners that were more exciting than my current partner, and that's a real dagger to think about. Another person said, we don't have sex very often, which we are going to talk about a little bit more.

And we also got. I'm just not that interested in what we're doing.

That one's an interesting one because it's not even like, you know, oh, we just do the things that work. It's just like, I don't like any of it.

Yeah, I'm not that interested. Is that a polite way of saying, I'm not. Like, I'm not into it. I don't like it. That. That's kind of. That's interesting. It's interestingly worded. But, yeah, I read that more as, like, I don't really like what we're doing. And it's like, I would argue that's not even boring. Like, that's kind of bad.

Like, yeah. Yep.

Like, I'm not happy with what we're doing. Yeah, boring is. Is like. Is. You're. Like, you're not happy, not excited. It's just kind of blah.

It is, yeah. Oh, you know, I thought of something else looping back around to the sexual perfectionism that we were talking about. Like, one thing that we hear a lot from parents or even just like, really busy couples with a lot on their plate is it's this sense of, like, we don't have a lot of time, so if we're gonna have sex, we might as well go for the things that we know are gonna work rather than risk it and try something new. And, like, I totally get that instinct, that inclination, like, we've been there ourselves, too, of like, yeah, like, we gotta make this one count. You know, you don't wanna take any risks with it. But again, at the same time, if you're doing that all the time, then it creates a lack of interest and it starts to slide into that boring territory. So the next question that we asked our community was, how much are you really enjoying and desiring the sex that you're having? So remember, 86% of people are worrying that their sex life is too boring. So we gave three responses here. A lot I'm happy with, gets the job done. And shoot, if I'm honest, not much.

I like how you added shoot to that one. Shoot.

Yeah. I mean, aw, shoot. You know, sometimes I try to, like, give a little personality to my poll response.

Next time with you. Aw, shucks. It gets the job done.

Aw, shucks.

And exactly a quarter of you said, aw, shucks. If I'm being honest, not much. I don't enjoy it, don't desire it that much. Now, 48% of you did say, it gets the job done. So, you know, a c maybe, you know, like, it's. It's passing. You know, it's. It's not. Not high marks, but it's something.

And only 27% said a lot. I'm happy with it. But I have to give a little caveat here. I think I made this question a little bit confusing on Instagram. So what I was meaning to like, what I was meaning to say is if you are currently feeling like your sex life is boring, how would you describe it? 27%. For 27% of people who think their sex life is currently feeling boring, to say, a lot I'm happy with it doesn't make a lot of sense to. So I think that probably those, like, shoot, if I'm honest, not much, and it gets the job done numbers are actually higher. I think I just made the wording of the question a little confusing.

Yeah, Well, I mean, even. Even if 3 out of 10 people are like, yeah, my sex life is boring, but I'm okay with it. Like, that's still not that many. That's seven out of ten people.

I'm okay with it. It's a lot. I'm happy with it. Yeah, with two exclamation points.

True. Oh, two. Okay, well, that changes everything. Shucks.

What we wanted to get at with this question is the connection between enjoyment and desire. This is another thing that we write about in sex talks. If you're not actively enjoying the sex that you're having, you are not going to crave it. And I know that sounds really simple, but most of us just don't make that connection. One of the most common complaints we hear from people is I feel like my sex drive is too low. I think it's very easy for us to go to this place of, like, blaming ourselves, feeling like something is wrong with us, and especially women in particular, because the majority of people we're hearing this from are women. But we always like to ask, like, okay, tell us about the sex that you're having then. And so if you're having sex, that feels boring, predictable, routine, you're not that interested in what you're doing. Like, of course you are not going to crave it. It wouldn't make any sense for you to crave it. So I think it's really important for us to look at boring sex in this context as well. Like, if you're not enjoying it, you're not going to feel the desire for it. I think a lot of people think more about the desire piece than they do about the enjoyment and the excitement piece.

Or maybe it's like, oh, well, if I just wanted it more, then obviously I would enjoy it more. But it's the other way around.

It's the other way around. So let's get into the five secrets to an exciting sex life. We're breaking it down for you. If you're listening to this episode, thinking, like, like, yeah, we have slewed a little bit too much into that predictability territory is starting to feel boring a little more often than not. Like, what do we do?

We got to.

Oh, I just had a call back to a past episode. Some zing. What do you do to bring some zing back into your sex life? Didn't I say that a few, like, maybe a month ago? Yeah, and you made a lot of fun of me.

And now I say it sometimes bring.

Some zing back to your sex life. Okay. The first secret is emotional connection. And I think this is one that is gonna surprise a lot of people once we start describing it. It will not surprise you. But I don't think most people think about emotional connection when they think about sex. Like, when we think about sex, our brains are going straight to the physical act. Like what we're doing with our bodies.

Yeah. It's like, we want it, we're gonna do it.

But the thing is, if you're not feeling connected to your partner, even getting into bed naked with each other in the first place is going to feel so much harder. Like, if you are spending your days you're feeling disconnected from each other, you're feeling like strangers, maybe like roommates rather than romantic partners, ships passing in the night. Maybe you're feeling resentful of each other. Maybe you've been arguing a lot. Like, you're not going to want to have sex with each other in those sorts of situations.

Nope.

We need to have this baseline level of emotional connection in order to make being physically intimate with each other not feel like such a leap. Like, I think we've talked about it before. It's like keeping a simmer going. You know, if you're starting a pot of water, of ice cold water, and you're putting it on the stovetop, trying to get it up to boil. Like, that's gonna take a long time to get up to boil, versus if you keep a pot of water on a gentle simmer, and then you need to get it into a full rolling boil. Like, that's quick and easy, right? So it's like emotional connection is keeping a simmer going between the two of you.

So we want to give you a practical tip that you can use to create more emotional connection in your relationship. And, you know, we're gonna. We're gonna do this for each one of these. For each one of these five secrets, because the reality is we could do an entire podcast episode on each of these five secrets. Like, they're all huge topics, but we want to give you something that you could try to implement today or tonight. So when it comes to emotional connection, I think a super powerful thing that you can do is to think about what are three simple daily things that make you feel more connected to your partner?

Too often we think of emotional connection as this, like, really big thing. Like, we have to go on a romantic vacation or even, like, we have to go on a date night. And those things just aren't realistic or practical for most people.

Not like, on a daily basis.

Yeah, I mean, even a date night, like, even on a weekly basis might not feel, like, realistic for you guys. So we really want you to focus on, like, it's a regular Tuesday. You're feeling overwhelmed. Your to do list is a million miles long. Like, what is something small and practical that you or your partner could do to feel 10% more connected to each other?

And then I think the key with this one is, you know, if you can think of three things that make you feel connected to your partner, maybe you can talk to your partner. But what are three things that make them feel connected to you? And then start thinking about how can you actually start making those things happen on a daily basis? Create that habit of doing those things, and you will start feeling a hell of a lot more emotional connection every single day.

The second secret to an exciting sex life is communication. You cannot have an incredible sex life if you don't talk about it. That one idea is the backbone of our entire business. Like our books, Sex Talks, this podcast, like, everything is about communication, helping you get comfortable, start talking, and to treat your sex life with the same sort of care that we give to every other area of our life. I mean, really think about it. Like, what other area of your relationship do you put pressure on to just happen naturally? With zero communication at all. Like, I think parenting is one of the best examples that comes to mind for me. Would you expect that you and your partner could parent your child with zero communication, flawlessly, never talking about discipline or parenting styles? Or how do we approach certain situations? Or what if we're on different pages? Of course not. Like you're talking about parenting all day long right now. One of the big mistakes that people make when they hear the advice to just talk about it is you get this worst case scenario picture in your head about that conversation. So if you're listening to this episode about sex being boring, you might be picturing like, oh God, now I have to go tell my partner. Like, our sex life is boring and we need to fix it. No, of course not. Like, that's not the kind of conversation that we want you to have. So instead, what we want you to focus on for right now is just to get comfortable with sex as a topic of conversation. So don't jump into the deep end with the complex conversations. And even once, once you get to the more complex conversations, we would never advise you to tell your partner your sex life is boring. But what we want you to focus on right now is just to get comfortable talking about the topic. So here's a practical tip that is straight from sex talks. Think about one of your favorite sexual memories with your partner and then share that memory with them today. So all you need to do is share the memory so it doesn't need to turn into a bigger conversation. It definitely shouldn't. Don't use it to initiate sex. Don't make any sort of complaints or criticisms or anything like that. Like, just share the memory the same way that you might share a memory of like one of your first dates. Just share the memory of one of your favorite sexual experiences. Like, you know what popped into my head today? That time that we were at blah blah blah and we did like, yeah, it just popped into my head and it was really fun to think about. That's it. Before we go any further, let's tell you a little bit more about Dipsea. I haven't told this story in a while, but I originally found out about Dipsea through one of my clients when I was working with people one on one years ago in San Francisco. They've been around for a while doing good work. That I had a client and we were working with her because she had low desire and we were trying a lot of things and it just felt like nothing was really resonating. And she came into the session one day and she told me about Dipsea. She said that she'd found out about this app. And if you've never heard of Dipsea before, it's an audio app that has hundreds of short, sexy audio stories. It's designed by women, for women. And she told me that she had started listening to these stories and was just shocked by how big of a difference it made with her libido. Like, listening to these stories got her turned on. They had her feeling connected to herself again, like feeling into her body. And it was just so exciting to her. So I remember, like writing it down in my little therapist notes to go check out this app later. And I took a look at it myself way back in the day and I was like this, this is so freaking cool. Like, to appeal to people orally. A U R A L L Y I think a lot of people, like, we don't really think of our hearing. It's not one of the first senses that we go to when we're thinking about sex. But it can make a shockingly big impact. I mean, just the same way that, like, listening to sexy music can get you in the mood, like, listening to a sexy story can get you in the mood too. And we really love Dipsea because they are radically inclusive. They have stories for straight and Queer listeners. And 56% of the stories are voice acted by people of color. They bring scenarios to life with immersive soundscapes, very realistic characters. And there are stories about all sorts of different topics. Second chance romances, adventurous vacation flings, hot and heavy hookups. I like it is all there for you. They release new content every week so you can listen to your favorite stories like the one that, you know, gets you going over and over again, or you can try listening to a new story every week. And they're even adding new content like sleep stories and wellness sessions. And for listeners of the show, Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day free trial. When you go to dipseastories.com pillow that's 30 days of full access for free. When you go to D I P s e a stories.compillow dipseastories.compillow and let's tell you a little bit more about Zocdoc. So Zocdoc is an incredible app that helps you find doctors in the easiest, most streamlined way possible. Because I think we have all had the experience of having some sort of medical situation. Maybe you noticed a little lump or a weird symptom. You start googling it and it's just like instant anxiety through the roof because there's all kinds of crap on Google. And it can just feel really anxiety, like even more anxiety inducing trying to find a doctor to work with. Like, who do you trust, who's in your area, who takes your insurance? Does anybody have any recommendations? Like, it just feels so overwhelming at a time when you already are stressed and overwhelmed. And so that's why we were so excited to share ZocDoc with you. ZocDoc is a free app where you can find amazing doctors and book appointments online. So we're talking about booking appointments with thousands of top rated patient reviewed doctors and specialists you can filter specifically for ones who take your insurance, are located near you, and treat almost any condition you're searching for. Now these doctors all have verified reviews from actual patients, not bots. Thoughts? The average wait time to see a doctor booked on Zocdoc is between just 24 and 48 hours. You can even score some same day appointments. And I know that makes all the difference in the world when you're feeling stressed out about something with your health. And once you find the doctor you want, you can book them immediately. Just a few taps, no more awkward calls to the doctor's office. That crazy, like hold music that you always have to listen to. Like you can just do everything from within the app. So go to Zocdoc.com pillow and download the Zocdoc app for free. Then find and book a top rated doctor today. Many are available within 24 hours. That's z o c-o c.com pillow zocdoc.com pillow the third secret to an exciting sex life is vulnerability. And vulnerability is a tough pill for us to swallow. I think most of us think about an exciting, amazing sex life and we get into that perfectionistic mindset that we were talking about earlier and we just want it to happen. And we want to seem like, confident and effortless. But here's the thing. Like, vulnerability really is what creates intimacy. Like, of course it would be delightful if sex was just perfect from beginning to end every single time. But I don't think that's actually what we would create, intimacy.

Well, if it was perfect from start to finish every single time, that might actually become predictable, which might actually become boring.

Oh no. But for real though, I do think that like, vulnerability is what creates intimacy. Like knowing your partner better than anybody else in the world. Like, seeing your partner's strengths, seeing the things that challenge them, seeing your partner be emotional and like, share their real inner world with you. Like, that's what Makes you feel. Feel close to somebody. If your partner just seems perfect all the time and nothing's ever bothering them, and they're just always wildly confident. Like, I don't think you'd be in a relationship with them. You'd sort of be like, who? Like, who is this person? I don't know. They're, like, weirding me out. Like, it's when we see the vulnerability that really makes us feel close to somebody. And I think vulnerability is especially important when it comes to sex. Like, you want to feel like there's a human being there having sex with you. So vulnerability during sex can look like getting out of your comfort zones, trying something different. We'll get back to that one in a minute. Showing our true selves, Communicating, allowing ourselves to receive.

Yeah, I think that this sort of, like, it's the flip side of the emotional connection. Like, the emotional connection tip is kind of talking about creating emotional connection outside of sex. And the vulnerability is creating that emotional connection and sort of within during sex or right before sex or right after sex or whatever. So a practical tip. What if you were to ask your partner to listen to a Pillow Talks episode with you? You can go through, look through all of our episodes, find something that piques your interest, something that would be fun to listen to with your partner and ask them. You can even say, and this is part of the vulnerability is. Is acknowledging, hey, this feels like an uncomfortable ask. I've never asked you to do this before. And, yeah, I'm feeling brave. And I'm curious if you'd be open to listening to this together, because I think it could be fun.

And you can pair this tip with the practical tip from communication and end up pausing the episode and talking about it. That can be another great way to get started. Double whammy can be a lot easier to talk about sex in a general sense sense than about your sex life specifically. Yes, the fourth secret to an exciting sex life is trying new things. Now, I know we have all heard this advice, like, keep it spicy. But unlike a lot of mainstream sex advice that you see online and in magazines, this actually is a great tip. So research has shown that novelty lights up our brains. It's part of what makes us fall in love with our partner in the first place. Like, everything feels so new and. And exciting. Our brains just love novelty. So this is a great tip, both inside and outside of the bedroom, actually. It's like trying new things with your partner. It's gonna keep the spark alive. It's going to help you see your Partner in new light. It's gonna make things feel exciting and new and different. Like, it genuinely is very, very good advice. So we wanted to get a sense from our community of, like, what sex actually looks like. So we polled them. We said, how would you characterize your sex life? And we gave three options. We usually do the same thing during sex. Every now and again, we try something new, and we regularly try new things.

49% of you. So half said we usually do the same thing. And I guess this isn't a huge surprise. I mean, in a way, I'm almost surprised this number isn't higher, given how many people said they are worried that their sex life is too boring. But a solid half of people are just pretty much always doing the same thing. Then 46% of people said, every now and then we try something new. And it was only 5% of people that say they regularly try new things. So it's. For the most part, it's. It's pretty split. Like people just doing the same thing all the time and then very occasionally trying something new.

I would say this secret is gonna be the fastest path towards making your sex life feel more exciting. Like, this is the one that you could do tonight. The other things like you can do tonight, but they tend to take a little bit more time to feel the impact of them. But actually just getting in there and trying new things, that's gonna give you some immediate results.

So the practical tip here, you can probably already guess what we're gonna say. It's just pick something new to try or something that you haven't done in a while. It doesn't have to be something that's brand new. Like, something that you haven't done in a while is still going to kind of light your brain up. It's going to give you that novelty factor. It also doesn't have to be a huge thing. I think so many people get hung up on. Like, it has to be this big, elaborate thing. It can be totally small. It can be a variation on something that you've done before. It can be like a baby step towards something brand new. Like, it can really be whatever. But to make it more likely to happen tonight, I would recommend trying to pick something just small and see how that goes. And I think the key here, the key to really changing your behavior or like your mindset around trying new stuff is that I think where people go wrong, is there any, okay, fine, like, you convince me to pick something new to try, and then you try it, and it's like, not Incredible. And you go, oh, well, see, look, I tried that thing and I didn't like it, so I shouldn't try new things. But here's the thing. It's not about, like, the thing that you're trying. It's about the experience of the trying it. It's like the fun of trying something new together. The journey. It is, in this case, it really is about the journey and not the destination. So try to think of it as the, like, hey, you guys are a team trying something a little different. And even if it doesn't go perfectly or even if you don't love it, like, try to focus on, you know, what, you know, was it fun to do something new together? Is there something that you can laugh about? Like, try to just reframe it for you as, you know, the journey of trying something new rather than this specific thing that we tried and whether it was good or bad.

And finally, the fifth secret to an exciting sex life is making an effort. Great sex does not happen naturally. I think this is probably the most harmful myth that we come across in this field. Like, we all want sex to feel effortless and natural, and it just happens, and that just isn't true. Great sex requires us to put an effort into it. We've been playing around lately with comparing sex to a hobby. So let's say, for example, that you decide you want to get into cooking. So it's not that you're a bad cook, but maybe sometimes, like, your food feels a little monotonous. You just want to find a little bit more joy in it, maybe try some new things with it. So you might order some new cookbooks. You might start bookmarking recipes that you find online. Maybe you grab a new pan, a better cutting board, a couple of fun new prep tools. Maybe you even sign up for a cooking class. You'll do all of this without question, because you know that you're gonna get better at cooking if you actually cook, if you try new recipes, if you invest in equipment and ingredients, if you take time to practice your skills, you don't just sit around waiting to become a better cook naturally. And you don't judge yourself for not, like, being born being a Michelin star chef. It's just like, yeah, I'm interested in cooking. I've got to put some effort into it. It. And, yeah, we don't judge that effort at all. If anything, that effort is exciting. Like, of course, sometimes we have a little cooking experiments, and we're like, oh, that did not come out. But most of the time, it's really fun to explore and try new things and play around. And even the times that, like, don't go super well, like, we still see that effort as a sign of respect for the hobby. I mean, Xander's surfing is another great comparison. Like, Xander's put the. Put so much effort into becoming a better surfer. I mean, he just got back from going to Nicaragua for a surf camp where he spent a lot of money, spent a lot of time working on becoming a better surfer. And did you ever, like, judge yourself for, like, why would I. Why do I have to do all this? Like, I should just be better?

No, I did not judge myself for needing to do that. No. It was an exciting opportunity. It was something that. That I wanted to get better at, and I wanted to enjoy while I was getting better at it. And that was exactly why I went on that trip.

I really invite you to consider, what would your sex life look like if you took the same approach to sex as you do to your hobbies? Like, if you didn't judge yourself for not being this incredible pro the second you were born? If you actually found joy and delight in, like, exploring your sex life and trying new things and getting better at it. If you didn't see, like, getting better as a judgment of yourself, like, wanting to get better at a hobby doesn't mean you're bad at the hobby. Just like, you know, wanting to get better at sex doesn't mean you're bad at sex. So if we were able to take the judgment and the pressure off of ourselves and just see it as, like, this is a hobby, it's something I enjoy doing in my free time, and I'm willing to invest some of my time and energy and time effort into making it the best it can possibly be and having the most fun with it that I can possibly have. Like, I think all of our sex lives would look wildly different if we were able to take that sort of approach.

All right, now, what's an easy, simple, practical way that you can do this? Well, one thing is you could just commit to listening to this podcast every single week. I mean, like, for surfing, this one.

Episode, you just repeat it every week.

Oh, I wouldn't recommend that. You could. You could. But no. Like our podcast, we release an episode every single week. We talk about sex and relationships. I mean, that is a great way to. I mean, you're investing your time in listening to what we have to say about sex and relationships. You're going to apply that to your own life. That's definitely making an Effort. I mean, what I was going to say is that for me, for example, for surfing, I'm like, I'm like looking up different technique videos, like every single week at least, probably like almost every single day, trying to figure out little bits and pieces that I can put into practice the next time I go surfing.

Okay, so we've given you five unique tips for each of these five secrets to an exciting sex life. You can put these to use whenever you want. But if you would just rather be guided through an exact step by step.

Process, you want us to take you.

By the hand, guide you through it. You don't have have to think, you don't have to plan. You just have to follow our advice. Then we have the perfect thing for you.

We do.

This month we are focusing on our mega popular sex challenge. The sex challenge is gonna get you into that elite 14% of couples who are still hot for each other with daily challenges that are playful, exciting and stress free. I already mentioned, like, we all have heard the advice to keep it spicy in the bedroom. There's nothing new about this advice, but most of us just are not doing it and we give excuses like we just don't have the time. I don't have any creative ideas. I don't want to embarrass myself. And we know this from personal experience. So we created the sex challenge to solve all of these concerns. No more wondering what to do, when to do it, how on earth you're going to fit it into your busy schedule. We have thought of everything for you. The challenge is a tried and tested, research backed adventure that has already happened, helped thousands of couples bring the spark back into their relationship. So how it works is every day for 30 days, you get an email from us with two ideas to try in the bedroom together. One is a sensual activity, it's based more around communication, touch or foreplay. And the other is a sexual activity that's going to be a more R rated assignment. But it's not always intercourse. The challenge is super flexible. You can start at any time. You can do it at whatever frequency you want, want. If life gets busy, you can pause the challenge even before it starts, start it back up again whenever you're ready. And it is just the perfect, unique, exciting gift to give to your partner and to your relationship.

So how is this gonna walk you through like all of those five things that are going to help make your sex life super exciting? Well, in terms of trying new things, like literally, that is the heart of the challenge. Like Vanessa just said, you're gonna get two new things a day for 30 days to try. And the. The thing here is that we take all the mental load off of you to find those new things to try. I think that that can be one of the first things that comes up when someone hears like, oh, you got to try new things. It's like, wait, well, like, what am I going to try? How am I going to figure it out? Like, you know, if you. If you Google, like, things to try in the bedroom, you're going to get some. We like a weird, weird link lists of things. And it's just like, how much work is gonna have to go into this? And, like, am I gonna have to do all that? Like, that doesn't feel very fair. So we take that mental load off of you because we're only going to give you the good stuff. We're even going to take some of that mental load of initiating sex off of your plate. You can just initiate the challenge. You can blame us. Hey, Vanessa and Xander are telling us, and as part of the challenge that we're supposed to do this, this tonight, it's also going to give you the mystery of not knowing what it is that you're going to try until the day that you get the challenge. And that's that novelty factor right there. I think it can be really exciting being, like, ooh, we're going to do something. But I don't know. You know, it's like. It's like when your partner plans a surprise date for you, except in this case, it's a surprise for both of you. I do want to clarify, though, in terms of trying new things, like, these challenges have been tested to be super fun and to create that intimacy while nudging you out of your comfort zone, but they are not, like, over the top, super wild. I think that's another hesitation that people have is like, like, oh, we're going to be telling you to do all these super extreme things, and that is not what this is about. I think we've done a really good job keying in on, like, what is a good amount of nudging, but not too far.

Okay? For making an effort, literally all you have to do is sign up like that. Just signing up for it is such a great way of showing to yourself and to your part that your sex life is important to you. You value it. You're willing to do stuff like this, and it's really important to us. Like, I know sometimes you hear the word effort and it sounds like work. You're like, oh, I'M going to put effort into my sex life. That is not what we are all about.

We're putting the effort in for you.

Yeah, it's like if you're. If working on your sex life feels like work, like you've already lost. We don't want that. Like, we designed the challenge to be really fun. It doesn't. It doesn't feel like work. It's just that you're sneakily building more intimacy and creating more excitement while you're just having fun together.

Now, in terms of communication, taking the challenge is going to get you talking about sex every day, because you're going to have to read the challenges. You're going to have to talk about which one you want to do or both. You might be wondering, though, like, oh, but what about the communication of, like, how we get signed up for the challenge? Because that sounds a little challenging. How am I going to bring this up with my partner? Well, we got you there as well. We have a free guide on how to get your partner to take the challenge with you, where we walk you through a bunch of different scripts for ways that you can have this conversation, what you can say, how to say it. You know, walk you through even some of the, like, common objections that. That people might have when you bring this up to them. So that's, like, a really nice, easy way to get you comfortable bringing this up and talking about it.

I will say, though, like, people are often a little bit nervous about this, but the feedback that we've most often gotten is, it was way less scary than I thought it would. It's like, people are always nervous to bring it up with their partner, and then the partner's like, hell, yeah, I'm on board with this.

So you'll get that free guide the moment you sign up for the challenge. And if you want it in advance of the challenge, no problem. Just email infomtherapy.com and we'll send it over to you.

Now, in terms of vulnerability, signing up for the challenge is likely gonna feel like a little step outside of your comfort zone.

Yeah. Or even just asking your partner if they want to do it with you.

It is a very novel thing. Most people have never done something like this before. So even if you're excited to do it, which we hope you are, like, it might still feel vulnerable to do this. But what makes doing the challenge together so powerful is that you're both in it together. Like, you're deciding together to do the challenge, to both try new things, to both be a little bit vulnerable. So it creates this sense of teamwork that is so powerful in relationships. So it's not like you're sitting over there thinking, like, oh, I've got to do this by myself, and all the work's on me now. I'm starting to feel resentful of my partner because they're never doing anything. It's like, no, no. You're both in it together.

And while the sex challenge is about physical intimacy, we also decided we wanted to do more. More for emotional connection. Because I think we feel really deeply about how important emotional connection is, and we know that, especially for parents, it can be so hard to be just feeling that emotional connection when you're so busy. But we don't just want to be weaving emotional connection in. We wanted to do more. So for a limited time, we decided that we want to give you for free our course, Rediscovering Us that we sell on our website. You could buy it right now for $199. We're going to give that to you for free for a limited time with the sex challenge. And this is a bonus that's really specifically for parents, and it is meant to teach you the secret to prioritizing your relationship despite your impossibly busy schedule and the tiny humans that are relying on you for survival. The sneaky traps that create dysfunction for parents. Like, we're talking things like mental, low, feeling touched out, and how to overcome them as a team. How to create more quality kid free time and tips and tricks to maintain your connection through anything. Even during life's busiest, most challenging times, you'll always know that your partner has your back. So if you sign up before October 8th for the sex challenge, you are going to get Rediscovering Us completely free. Otherwise, you gotta buy rediscovering us for 199 bucks on our website site. But why would you do that when you can get it for free?

So if you want to check out the sex challenge, head on over to vmtherapy.comchallenge. we will also put that link in the show notes if you want to check it out. But it's just vmtherapy.com challenge. And remember, you've got to sign up before the 8th to get rediscovering Us a completely separate course. Absolutely for free. This is a really wild gift that we're giving. If you click over to vmtherapy.com challenge, you're gonna see that the challenge is way less than, like, way less than the core. So you're getting this, like, truly unbelievable value. But that was just our little way of trying to support you in creating the emotional and physical intimacy that we're all wanting and craving but most of us just aren't really experiencing right now. We really believe that everybody is deserving of this kind of love and intimacy and connection, and we want to do everything we can to help you get there. And so we hope you will join us in the challenge and join the thousands of couples who have experienced so much more connection and spice and joy and excitement who are not having boring sex lives anymore. Even if you don't decide to join us in the challenge, we hope that this episode has still been valuable and that you've got some great tips that you can now put to use. But we really do hope to see you inside the challenge and see you joining those thousands of couples who have already felt it transform their sex lives, who are already experiencing more connection, more intimacy, more joy, more sexiness.

They're banishing boredom from their bedroom.

Oh, look at that alliteration like that. Head over to vmtherapy.comchallenge to check it all out.

All right, well, that's all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week for a special episode called am I the Asshole?