Episode 126: Queefing, And Farting, And Squirting, Oh My! Bodily Functions In The Bedroom

I mean, if you think about all the sex scenes that you've seen on movies and TV, like 99.99% of them, they just roll over afterwards or they.

Like hop out of bed and just like, pull, pull, like pants or clothes back on, and it's like, hold on. Like, that would never happen. Like, yeah, I would never do that.

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa.

I'm Xander Marin.

I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Thanks to Cozy Earth for supporting our podcast. Cozy Earth provided an exclusive offer for our Pillow Talks listeners today. Get up to 35% off site wide when you use code pillow talks@cozyearth.com today, we're talking about all the things that are so normal but that no one ever talks about body functions during sex. We're covering all the taboo topics, from farting to sweating to just generally making a mess in the bedroom.

Probably all the things that have happened to almost all of us. And yet we still feel like, I wish that hadn't happened. I'm probably the only one that all this stuff happens to, even though we're telling you right now, happens to everybody.

Everybody's going to experience probably all of these things at least some point in their life. So we're all about taking the shame and the stigma away from stuff like this. So let's talk about it today. And of course, we are also going to wrap things up with some funny stories from our audience about embarrassing bodily function mishaps.

Yeah. Not. Not because we want to shame anyone, just because I think it can be kind of powerful to be able to take ownership of these things and be able to just laugh at them, because they are things that happen. They can be shameful or they can be funny.

Well, I think humor plays a big role in taking shame away from stuff. Like when we feel shame about something, it can feel very serious.

Yeah. Very not funny.

Yeah. And some things are. We are going to talk about, you know, just giving you information and facts about a lot of these things. And I do think that humor plays a role in getting rid of the shame, too. Like, we all have embarrassing stories, and if we can all laugh at them. And to be fair, we did put the question request up on Instagram. We said, like, do you have any funny stories? So it wasn't like, tell us your shameful stories and then we're gonna laugh at you on the podcast.

Yeah, no, I think the key is we want to laugh with you. We don't want to laugh at you.

We're laughing together.

Yeah, that's. That's the key differentiator. I think humor is really good at breaking down shame. Unless it is humor where everyone is laughing at you, then you tend to feel ashamed of whatever happened. But first, we're going to share another story from someone in our audience. It might be a funny story. It might be an embarrassing story. I don't know, because this is a review of the week, and I haven't looked at it yet. We shall see. Was that a good setup, babe? I give it a B. I like this. I want to get graded on my. On my transitions.

Okay.

All right. A B. You know, passing solidly. Passing better than passing.

It's good.

Not.

Except it wasn't one of your finest. I was a little bit confused.

All right, well, completely revitalize our dead bedroom. After having my third child, I found myself in a dead bedroom situation because I was so touched out from my kids and just overwhelmed with the daily minutiae of responsibilities. I'd completely lost my libido. But one day when I was driving, I happened to listen to a podcast where Vanessa and Xander were guest starring on. I was intrigued by some of the information she shared and looked them up on social media. I found their material hilarious and informative and immediately subscribed to their podcasts. Good choice. If you are not subscribed to our podcast, everyone, this is not in the review. This is Xander talking. Please subscribe. Please swallow. It helps us so much.

It really does. It makes a big difference.

All right, back to the review. This is not Xander talking anymore. This is this other person. Slowly, as I made my way through their backlog and finally getting on anxiety medication, I found my interest in sex slowly returning. Ooh, and then there's a lot of emojis. Oh, there's a pear emoji used. Maybe sexually. It's next to the. To the eggplant.

Oh, I've never seen the pear emoji used sexually.

Boobs. One boob.

One boob. Like little pear shaped boobs?

Sure, yeah, maybe. I don't know.

Are we missing something?

I don't know. Are we missing something? I'm sure we are. We are. You know, we're not young anymore.

Oh, my God.

We're not kids.

Okay, wait, I just looked it up. It means a bunch of different things. It's used as a way to subtly sing, signal that you're single and interested in meeting someone online.

Hmm. I am guessing that that is not the situation in this one, because she's about to mention her husband, but we'll see.

Other meaning is it could be used as a way to flirt with a guy or send a sexual message. This website is not very helpful.

Helpful.

This emoji could represent big hips, breasts, and. Or a penis with a big head.

What? Wow.

That would all depend on the topic and context to understand what a girl means when she uses it. I'm just as confused as I was before Googling this. So, okay.

Big head, dick.

Okay.

I mean, it is next to an eggplant emoji, though, I guess. You know, with the eggplant emoji. Actually, this is a good question, because the eggplant emoji, it has, like, a little stem, like the top of the eggplant. Would that be the head of the penis or would the head of the penis be the bottom?

This one says it's about a butt.

Well, no, but what I'm saying is, like, you know, the pear is right next to the eggplant, so it's like. It's like, dick, big penis, head. Wow. We're really.

Yeah, I'm lost, but let's continue.

Okay, cool. Let's go back to this kind of somewhat serious review. The bristle reaction that I had been experiencing started disappearing when I began to initiate. Now, a year later, we have been working on bringing our sex life back to what it used to be. And my husband and I listened to the podcast together. Thank you so much. You've really helped save our marriage. And we love all the outrageous sex gone wrong stories shared on Instagram.

We will. That's exactly what we're sharing in this episode. So thank you so much for this review. If you haven't listened to that bristle reaction episode that she mentioned, that is episode 99. That is a must listen. Such an important one. But these reviews are so helpful for the podcast. They are the best way for the podcast to grow, reach new audiences for us to be able to revitalize more dead bedrooms. So we really appreciate you taking just 60 seconds to leave us a review. So here's how you do it. You go to the main Pillow Talks page on Apple Podcasts, scroll to the bottom. You'll see the review section there. Just leave us a quick review and we do a giveaway every week as our way of saying thank you for taking the time to write reviews. So if you hear your review read in an episode, email us@infomtherapy.com let us know the usern that you left the review under, and you will get to pick a masterclass absolutely for free as our little gift to you. Okay, so let's get into the body functions.

The first let's get into the body of this episode of body functions. That was a c. Let's get into the body functions of this episode.

That was a d. The first body function that we're talking about is queefing. Do you remember when you first learned what a queef is?

I mean, I. It. It's got, like. I'm sure.

I feel like it was a little later in life, like maybe college or something. I don't think we were talking about queefing in high school.

Well, I'm sure that I heard the word, but, like, I would. I would guess I probably heard the word, like, somewhere between, like, sixth and eighth grade. I probably really had no fucking clue what it meant, though.

Okay, so let's talk about what a queef is first, because we have pulled this before, and a lot of people don't know. A queef is the sound that a vagina makes when a bunch of air has been pushed up into it and the air has to come out.

So it's probably around like a penis or a toy or something that is basically in the way of it coming out more silently.

Yes, but it can. You can also have a queef with nothing in the vagina as well. So it's like a fart, but in the vagina. Like, there's that. The sound coming out. It's not as loud of a sound, typically, as a fart is. Sometimes they can even be silent. Sometimes you can feel the air, sometimes you can't, but it's the air coming out. So what happens when you are having intercourse or playing with a toy, like using penetration or even with fingers, is that you are pushing air up into the vagina. And the vagina, it's a little cul de sac at the end. There's nowhere for that air to go. So it has to escape. Escape somewhere. It has to come back out. So when it comes out, it typically makes a little bit of a noise.

All right, question for you. I actually don't know the answer to this. Is queef the actual, like, correct term or Is queef a slang term?

No, it's a slang term.

So what is the actual. There's got to be, like a scientific name or something for this, right? Because I've never heard for pretty much everything else. I know what the technically appropriate name is, even if no one ever says it.

Okay.

It.

The technical name for it is vaginal flatulence.

All right, interesting.

But other.

Not very. Not a very creative name.

Other terms for it are a vart. Like a vagina fart. A vart. And a fanny fart is what they call it in England, a fanny fart.

But your fanny is your butt even in England.

No, in England, your fanny is your vagina.

Oh, God, that's so confusing. Why do we. It's just like, this is like, why. Why would you have. I mean, obvious. Not like. Like, like an American and a Brit got together and we're like, all right, we know what we're gonna do. We're gonna, like, swap these slang terms so that we each get in trouble when we go to each other's respective countries. But, wow, that is a vagina. That is confusing.

So we polled our Instagram audience, we said, have you ever experienced you or your partner queefing during sex? 77% said yes, 13% said often, 9% said never, and 2% said, I don't know what queefing is. So the main question that comes up around queefing is, can you stop it from happening? Most vulva owners, most women who queeve, feel very embarrassed about. Feels like a fart. Like, oh, God, I didn't want to do that. This is so embarrassing. I wish I hadn't done it. And the thing about queefing is there really isn't a way to stop it from happening or, like, to completely prevent it.

Hey, I know a great way. You could not have sex. Yeah. You could not have sex. You could not ever touch yourself. Don't ever play with a toy. You know, like, just full on abstinence. Right.

That is the only way to prevent it. So, I mean, like, you can do things like. So what causes the queef is a lot of air. So if you're doing penetration, where, like, let's say your partner's pulling all the way out and then going all the way back in, like, a lot of thrusting in and out. That's just gonna put more and more and more air. Um, but it's like, this is just like, is it really worth completely changing the way that you have sex just to avoid potentially there being this small sound?

Yeah, it's like, yeah. Do you not want to do certain positions or certain types of intensity or certain things that might feel really good to both you and your partner just so that maybe. Maybe you won't have this thing that could still happen to doing, you know, any other type of sex that maybe, like, you've done for a long time where you think, oh, yeah, I definitely never queeved doing that. Like, who knows? There. There's like. There's no control in it because it's bodies, and bodies do weird things on an irregular basis. So who knows? But, you know, it got me thinking when you were talking about the. The term vaginal flatulence. I don't like that term because I feel like it's. It implies, you know, like, if you think of flatulence, like farting, that's like, it's happening from your body, like you're creating gas or whatever from in your intestines, from stuff that you eat or whatever. And then, like, you are expelling it out. But in this case, that. It's not like, it has nothing to do with the person queefing. Like, it is solely the result of the person push up. Like someone else pushing air up you. Unless you're doing it to yourself with a toy.

But, yeah. So you're setting me up for, like, I have a very different take on queefing, which you have now taken on than most people do, which is that it's not the woman's fault. I think it's so easy for us women to think that everything's our fault, to blame everything on ourselves, and to feel so embarrassed and ashamed and all this stuff comes up for us. But just like Xander is saying, a queef is caused by your partner pushing their penis or a toy or their fingers up inside of you. So, honestly, it's nobody's fault. It's just the way that, you know, it's just something that happens during sex.

Doing body things.

Body's doing body things. But if you want to put blame on one person, then it's your partner's fault. It's not your fault.

It's the air pusher.

So. The air pusher.

Yeah, the air pusher. The pusher of air.

I love that. So we're going to call it. We'll be like penis owners men or air pushers.

Yeah, air pushers. Yeah. I mean, it takes gender out of it. It takes. It could. You know, then it's like it doesn't. You know, it can be. It could be the person queeving it, could be the Some. You know, the person you're having sex with. Multiple people, whatever. Like, it is whoever is pushing the air. I like it. It's the most inclusive term I could think. It is.

It really is. So I say the next time you experience a queef, just tell your partner, like, oh, excuse you.

Yeah, you know, it. Like, you don't even. We don't even need to say tops and bottoms anymore. Just be like, are you an air pusher or not? Yo, you push air. Yo, I push air.

I push good air.

I push good air, babe.

He's got big air energy. He's a bae. He's got big air energy.

I'm a bae. Big air energy. Air horn, please. Art, can you please put, like, an air horn right there?

You have to have a name for the receiver, though. Like, you have to be like, the air receiver.

The air intake.

No, it doesn't sound good. I want to be the air pusher. That sounds more cool. More cool. That sounds cooler. Be the air pusher than the air receiver. Anyways, you can.

You can. Oh, you can use a toy with yourself and push some air. You could push some air into me. Whatever. You know, we could figure it out. I'm open.

All right, so bottom line with queeving, it's not anything embarrassing. Like, it's not your fault. Blame it on your partner. Or, you know what, like, congratulate each other. Like, hey, job well done. Some squelching going on. That's the sign of. Sign of some fun.

Seriously. I mean, yeah, I think if anything like, that is the best reframe, like, you know, whatever. Skip over the Whose fault is it? And just, like, is no one's fault? Like, it's the sign of some good sex. Hell, yeah.

Go for it. All right, next we have to talk about the cousin of the queef farting.

The real flatulence.

The real flatulence. The anal flatulence.

Well, the real flatulence. Please stand up.

So we polled our Instagram community. We said, have you ever experienced you or your partner farting during sex? The categories were, yes, often, yes, occasionally, or rarely, and then never.

Wow. I'm actually.

I'm kind of.

I think people are lying or they don't know.

I think people be lying. Okay. Only 3% said, yes, often. I'm like, I don't know, guys. I think more of you are farting often. 47% said occasionally or rarely. 50% said never. I don't believe that for a second.

Never have, never will. You know what? You know what?

You've experienced farting Everybody's experienced farting during sex, but you might not know it.

Yeah. Yeah. No, what I was going to say. Well, okay, first of all, Vanessa and I, you know, we're not going to share how often we have sex. However, we had sex yesterday, and I almost. I almost farted.

Really?

Yeah. And I was very aware of it. I was like, oh, I was. I was squeezing it.

Well, you made an effort not to.

I did. For once, I did, and it worked.

When was it for?

It was right at the beginning.

Oh, at the beginning?

Yeah.

I've had times where I've been close to it right at the end, and I'm like, I am not disrupting my orgasm for a fart. You gotta stay in there.

But wouldn't holding it in be more likely to disrupt things?

Yes, it does, but I'm like, I don't. You know, I don't want to fart. Like, and then orgasm, it's just. It's too much.

Let it rip, baby.

So let's talk about how to handle a fart in the moment.

Okay.

What do you think is. What do you think you would do if I farted in the middle of sex?

I would ignore it and just continue on. Like, I'm not going to be like, oh, my God, Vanessa, I am done with this sex. I don't want it anymore.

Yeah, I think. I think you continue on. If it's a really smelly one, you might need to take a break for a second. It might kind of, you know, ruin the vibes for a moment.

I feel like I'm not really using my sense of smell much during sex. Like, I'm more focused on the, like, the sensations that I'm feeling and not the stuff. I don't know. I mean, I don't think I've ever picked up on scent.

Like, I've never experienced a really smelly fart during sex, so I don't know what I would do. But I would imagine that there would be scenarios where you're just like, okay, we got to take a little bit of a pause. But I say, in general, the way that you guys handle farting outside of the bedroom, treat it the same way. So if you're a couple who tends to laugh at farting, like, it's totally fine to just laugh in the moment. Like, oh, ha ha, that was funny. And then continue on.

Wait, so are you saying if you're a type of couple where, like, one person gets really upset at the other.

No, no.

Then they should do that, too.

I'm only talking about, like, laughing versus ignoring. I should have clarified that. So if farting is, like, something that you guys usually ignore, or maybe it even causes some, like, you know, annoyance or something, just ignore it in the moment during sex and continue on. Like, you don't want to be getting in an argument about farting in the middle of sex.

No, it sounds horrible.

Yeah. So either ignore it or laugh about it and move right on. But farting's pretty normal. It's gonna happen. It's okay, then. There's one specific kind of fart. A chest flatulence.

Oh, yes.

This is when typically in missionary position, I think it's the most common position it happens in. But, like, when your chest are pressing together and maybe you're getting a little bit sweaty from sex, your chest make that farting noise. Like, that kind of squelching. Like, it's like, similar to when people. You know, when you do that armpit thing and you can make that noise, it's like. But you're doing that, but with your chests. And that's just a result of, like, the sweat, the skin pressing together. There's, like, that little, you know, divot in your chest. So that divot presses against the other divot, and it's just very easy for air to get trapped up in there.

Oh, this has happened to us so many times.

Absolutely.

And it's. And I feel like it's almost always, like, right at the. Like, we're both. It's like, extreme concentration. Yeah. You're starting to get a little sweaty. Like, you're both trying to get there, and it happens.

I think I. My approach is to ignore it. Usually. Sometimes we laugh at it.

Yeah.

Like, just ignore it.

Yeah. I think I kind of try. I mean, usually by the time that's happening, I'm, like, very focused.

Yeah.

And I'm like, whatever. Like, that's. That's the least of my worries right now.

There's not really anything you can do to prevent chest farting.

No. I mean, you could change positions.

Change positions, I guess, like, if you really want to. Or maybe if you get very sweaty, we'll talk about sweating a little bit later. Like, you can have a little washcloth that you use, like, wipe it off. But this is another one of those things where I think the effort of preventing it is just not worth it in the moment. Let those chests fart away. But I do have a little hack for covering all three types of flatulence that we've covered.

Oh, okay.

Play music during sex.

Oh, really loud.

We've pulled this so many times, and I can't remember the exact number right now, but I feel like more than half of people do not listen to music during sex.

Oh, people. Some people. Some people get super weirded out about music during sex, which I think is hilarious. Like, I'm not, like, laughing at you. You people that don't like music. I just find it interesting that. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, like, we. We literally have a playlist on Spotify called dtf, which is. Yeah. What we put on every single time we have sex.

And no, we're not gonna share it. It's too personal. But we have made a ton of playlists that were, like, community generated, that have different vibes. So I think if you search Vanessa Marin, sex Therapy or something like that on Spotify, those playlists will come up.

I really like Contaminated by Banks. That's a sexy jam.

That is a good one. Slide by her or her. I don't know how you pronounce it, actually. That's another good one too. But anyways, get a playlist going. Play it. Like, it'll cover up so many sounds, and it can contribute to, like, the sexy vibes.

Yeah.

Help you get in the mood. It can help you feel more confident, more excited, and it can.

Yeah. For all those of you who are like, oh, my God, music is so awkward because then, like, then, like, you have to acknowledge the fact that you're gonna have sex by putting on the music. And isn't that awkward? Here's how you get around that. You sit down, you go, hey, it would be fun to put a sex playlist together for when we are having sex. What songs do you think are sexy? Oh, here are the songs that I think are sexy. And then you like each kind of veto songs that, like, you're not into or whatever. And then you come up with a playlist that everybody is happy with. That's how we did ours. Like, you know, there are some songs that I don't like that aren't on the list. There are some songs that Vanessa didn't like that aren't on the list.

You vetoed some ones that made me really sad that you vetoed.

But we still listen to them. They're just not for the sex. Not for the sex. But yeah. And then it's a fun, bonding, connecting activity. And then, you know, these are both, you know, approved by both of us. Songs that are good for getting down to.

Sweating is one of the most common things that happens during sex. And of course, it's really variable. Like, Some people are just sweatier people than others. If you live in a hotter climate, obviously, if you have air conditioning or don't, this is obviously gonna be a bigger issue in the summertime. It's a bigger issue.

Yep.

But this is another classic example of people feeling awkward about prepping for sex. Like, we always get these questions in the summertime of, like, how do you handle summertime sex? Like, I just can't deal. I don't like to be hot. We get so sweaty it's uncomfortable. The obvious answer here is air conditioning.

Or a fan or gonna grab a towel or whatever.

Yeah, like, everybody's got one of those three things available to them. But I think that, you know, the. The anxiety that comes up for people is like, oh, it's awkward to, like, acknowledge that we're having sex. Just like, oh, I don't wanna, like, put the music on because then it acknowledges that we're about to have sex.

Or like, you know, oh, my partner's initiated. We started making out, and it's too awkward for me to stop and be like, oh, hold on, let me just grab the towel and get right back to it. It's like this idea that it has to be 100% in the moment. And once you break that being in the moment, you can never get back into it. But spoiler alert, if you say, hey, quick. I mean, hey, this happens to us sometimes. One of us initiates, and then maybe we start kissing or whatever, or start moving towards the bedroom. And then one person's like, oh, you know what? I gotta pee first. Like, yeah, there's no problem. One person going to pee. And then, like, you come back, you get right back into it. Takes, like five seconds to get back into it. So just get back into it, people.

Yeah, there is. There's no shame in prepping for it and acknowledging you're having it. That's just sexual shame coming out in, like, sneaky little ways. Like, oh, we can't even acknowledge what's happening. Even though you both know what's happening, you're doing the thing together.

So, I mean, but if you don't say anything about it, it's not actually happening. And then, like, you aren't actually having sex and actually all still virgins. Right.

So why not be comfortable? I say, and like, yeah, having the temperature in the room controlled, obviously there are certain circumstances where it's like, it's going to be hard. You're still going to be sweating anyways. But, like, then just grab the towel. It's not a big deal. So let yourself, like, prepare for sex and get as comfortable as you possibly can. Also, it can actually be nice to have a little bit of time to prepare for sex beforehand. Like, there has been time in the summer where we have thought about having sex and you're like, let me go turn the AC on. Yeah, like five minutes or give us a few minutes. Right. And so that has actually been really nice. It actually takes the pressure off of feeling like, oh, I have to be immediately turned on and ready to go. It's like, oh, no, we need a little bit of time for the room to cool down. So, like, let's take our time with each other. Let's give each other massages or make out or talk for a little bit.

Or just get in the mindset of, like, oh, yeah, in five minutes, in 10 minutes, we are going to go have sex. And so you can just kind of be doing whatever mental prep you need to do so that it's not like this binary. Like, in this moment, am I committing to having sex with you? Yes or no.

Exactly.

And then another. Another thought here with sweating. And, you know, I don't know. I don't know how other people experience sweating. I know for me, it's like, often I don't really notice it until it's like, I've started to sweat a, like a decent amount and then it's sort of like, oh, like once it started, it's kind of hard for it to stop. Um, so another idea is like, once you start noticing, ooh, I'm feeling a little hot, or like, I'm starting to kind of really notice that friction. Like, you know, unless you're like, about to orgasm or you're really, like, working hard on getting there, you can suggest changing positions because often just the. The moving, you know, that moment of movement, changing positions, getting into something else where it's different. Friction.

Grab the top, move off a little bit.

Yeah, I think that that can really help because at least for me, it's like, yeah, it's like once you've really started sweating, then it's like there's not much that you can do to make it stop other than completely shutting everything down, which is not practical. I don't think that's what anybody wants. But yeah, just keeping in mind, like, okay, yeah, when it is hotter than normal, like, let's maybe do more positions than we usually do or something like that.

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Not necessarily when they orgasm.

The fluid is not urine. It just passes through the urethra, which is the place that urine is also excreted. But it is not urine. It's a fluid that's created by these little glands called the Skene's glands. There can be traces of urine in it because it passes through the urethra. But this is also similar to there being traces of urine in precum and in ejaculate as well. It's like you're, you're passing through that same tube, right?

I mean, I think there's probably traces of urine just on a penis in general.

Yeah, we have a whole episode about squirting because there's just so much misinformation and confusion and curiosity about it. So definitely go and check out episode 49, the Truth About Squirting. But I always like to address the pee aspect and I like to address the orgasm aspect.

Yes.

Squirting and orgasm are two different things. You can squirt without orgasming. You can an orgasm without squirting. So there's this big misconception now that it's only an orgasm if you've squirted. Or, like, it's a better orgasm if you've squirted. And I understand the temptation to think of it that way because it's like, it's a vegetable.

Yeah. I mean, it's.

Oh, that was a real good one. Stuff came out or.

Yeah, I mean. Or it's like, oh, well, that's like what it looks like when a penis orgasm. So, like, you know, I understand the logic.

Yeah. But we really need to make sure that we realize it's two separate things. And a lot of people who squirt report that it actually doesn't feel that pleasurable in and of itself. A lot of people who squirt say it actually feels like quite an inconvenience because there can be a lot of fluid.

Yeah. Something to be aware. Like, it's. It becomes something to be aware of when you are probably in the midst of trying to have your own orgasm. And so I would imagine that it could just become distracting or annoying. You know, distracting at best, annoying at worst. Because you're like, oh, I was, like, concentrating on getting there, and now I'm thinking about, ah. Like, is, you know, what. What is getting wet? Or, you know, is this like, do we need to clean something up or whatever?

Yeah. So the best thing to do for squirting, if you are somebody who squirts and you're like, it is an inconvenience. It's kind of annoying. The best thing to do is to invest in a sex blanket. These are special blankets made with really absorbent materials. You just lay down over your be and it'll absorb all of that liquid. So makes it not a big deal at all. Just check out a sex blanket. So that's the female ejaculate. Now let's talk about male ejaculate. So if a male female couple are having sex and they're not using condoms, there is going to be the issue of semen cleanup after sex. So this is one of those questions that we get asked on Instagram all the time, like, why does nobody ever talk about cleanup after sex? Like, what do we do with those fluids? I mean, if you think about all the sex scenes that you've seen on movies and TV, like, 99.99% of them, they just roll over afterwards or they.

Like, hop out of bed and just like, pull. Pull, like pants or clothes back on. And it's like, hold on. Like, that would never happen.

That would never happen.

Yeah. I would never do that. That. I mean, I think the. The funny thing is that I feel like every now and then, like every couple years maybe there's sort of like a viral moment where there's like a random TV show that will portray a couple who's had sex, like, handing each other Kleenex or something. Or a towel and kind of.

Yeah.

And kind of wiping up. And people.

Like, I've seen that, like, one time.

Maybe, like, people freak out. Like, oh, my God, they're being so real. It's like the bar is set so low. Like. Like, oh, my God. They portrayed reality. They portrayed reality and we are celebrating them. Like, that's. It's so. It's so twisted. But, yeah, I know. I mean, yeah, I could imagine how if what you see is on movies, like, people having sex and then just kind of jumping up and.

Yeah.

Putting clothes back on and, like, going off and like, walking into a business meeting or something, then. So if that's the idea that you have in your mind of what is supposed to happen, I could imagine that it's really frustrating or annoying or you think that something is wrong with you and you're like, wait, like, I tried to do that. And then, you know, like, my clothes were kind of a mess or like, it didn't go the way I thought. Like, it didn't quite seem right. So. Yeah. If you've ever thought that. Yes, there is cleanup required. There are bodily fluids that have to go somewhere.

Yeah. If you're not using a condom. So the vagina, it is a cul de sac. There's nowhere for the semen to go. Like, it has to. Has to come back out.

Yep.

So you're going to need to use something to clean up, like, as your bodies are pulling apart. Like, as your bodies are pulling apart, the majority of it is going to come out in that instance. So you can grab some tissue and, like, hold them there. As you guys are pulling apart, you can get, like, a little washcloth or something like that and use that as well. But we recommend having stuff nearby and handy. This is another one of those, like, prepping for sex kinds of things.

Oh, yeah. This is one of our huge pet peeves hotels. They Never have Kleenex.

Put the Kleenex box by the bed. You know, we're having hotel sex always.

In the bathroom, and it's like, guys, like, they're your sheets. Like. Like, you gotta watch. I would love to hear from any, like, hospitality hotel people that listen to this. Like, has nobody thought of this? Like, you're. You would probably use far. Like, your. Your washes would have to be far less intense. Would be fewer bodily fluids soaked into all of your sheets if you just made the Kleenex easy. Because the thing is, is that I always think about it, like, right at the end of sex, I'm like, oh, God damn it. The Kleenex are not here.

I think there's also something to be said about making the cleanup feel like a sweet little ritual between the two of you. Like, you can treat it as, like, oh, gross, disgusting bodily fluids.

Ew.

We have to get it away from us. And, like, that's only going to perpetuate the shame and the embarrassment. Or it can be something that you guys, like, do together, or like, hey.

We did a good job. Let's clean this up.

Yeah. Yeah. So, like, cleaning each other up. I know when we've talked about this on Instagram before, a lot of people were like, oh, we get these, like, nice washcloths. Some people even said they get bowls of warm water and, like, you know, really go to town, like, cleaning each other up. I'm like, I love that. Like, making it feel like something that's sweet. Also going along with this, we have to talk about, like, phase two of this, which is the gush.

That's something that doubly. No one talks about the name that.

I came up with for that. So most of the fluids come out as your bodies are pulling apart, but there's some that, you know, got launched up in there, and it's gonna come out after. So it can be 30 minutes later, it can be hours later, it can even be the next day. It just really depends. But there is more fluid that is going to come out of you, and I call it the gush, because you can, like, feel it coming out, and there's a little bit of, like, oh, it's. It's coming, it's coming. So feeling.

So is what you're saying. It's a situation where it's not like. It's not like you have a steady flow of it over a period of time. It's like. It's like, not like, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. Here it comes.

Yeah, exactly. So people are always asking like, how do we prevent this, this abstinence? You cannot. Yeah, you can't. You can use condoms or you can have your partner ejaculate, like, on your body or somewhere else, but if your partner ejaculates into you without a condom, it is going to come out and you will probably experience the gush. So a couple of things about, like, how to manage it. Do not use panty liners or tampons. Those are really bad for your body. Like, you just don't want to do that. There is also a product that I don't want to call out by name because I don't like talking bad about any company. But there is a product that is being specifically marketed as, like, a cleanup after sex. It is also made with materials that are bad for your body.

Is it basically like, it's super like a tampon that you would put in, but temporarily?

Yeah, there's like, a lot of research that's come out about it. The materials are not good. Please do not use this product. Like, I love the idea of it of, like, having a cleanup and. But it's just. It's not a good thing for your body. So please don't use that. You can use a menstrual cup or a disc, though. Those can, like, collect the fluids if you're really worried about it. But in general, like, just let it come out. It's just gonna. It's just gonna come out. That also leads us straight into our next bodily function, which is noticing a bit of an odor after he ejaculates inside of you. So again, if this is without a condom.

Can I stop you for a second just so that we can appreciate the weird tongue bodily function that Maggie here is doing.

She's tongue is vibrating, sitting right next to me on the chair. Is she drooling?

No, her tongue is vibrating.

Oh, love it.

It's flapping around. It kind of stopped just now when I said her name, but who knows? We are. We are filming a bit of this podcast for some social media clips. So maybe Maggie's involuntary tongue function will make it to social media or not.

Oh, she's dreaming right now.

Yeah, she is. She's dreaming.

Bobbing around. Okay, so let's get back to the odor. From dogs to odor. So what happens to create, like, a different odor? And it can be. It can be just slightly different. Like a little like. Huh, that doesn't quite smell like me. It can be a little bit of a fishy odor as well, sometimes maybe a little bit metallicy, but just sort of a different kind of odor. And basically what's happening is that when your partner ejaculates inside of you, it changes the ph of the vagina. And the vagina is a machine at regulating its ph, keeping itself healthy and balanced. That's why you do not need to use soap on your vulva or the vagina. You do not need to use douches. The vagina is self cleaning, and so it has a very specific ph that it likes to be in. And semen is a different ph, so it can disrupt the pH, but. But it will go back to normal very quickly. This can range for people. Like for some people, it's almost immediate or after the gush is over. For some people, it can last a day or so. So it's very individual. Of course, Talk to your doctor if you're concerned. Talk to your doctor if it feels like the odor is lingering for a while. But in general, it's very, very normal and common and you don't need to do anything. The vagina will take care of it itself. So we polled our community and asked if people have ever experienced this. 59% said yes, 12% said never, and 29% said, I've never thought about it before, but maybe. All right, next up, let's talk about period sex. We polled our community and asked, do you have sex when you or your partner is on their period? And I was astounded by this number. 64% said no and only 36% said yes.

Yes.

And period sex is something that I'm going to get up on my soapbox about a little bit.

Do it.

I do not think period sex needs to be a big deal at all. I think it's just a sign of shame, of body shaming that we are taught to be so embarrassed about period sex that people think it's like, weird or icky or whatever it is. Like, it does not have to be a big deal. Periods are the most natural thing that happens to a woman or a vulva owner's body. It's a sign of health. It's such a good thing. Like, there's nothing embarrassing or icky or weird about it. Also, we have done the math on this before. Like, the amount of menstrual fluid that gets released over an entire period is very small. And I know sometimes it can feel like it's a lot. Like if you're going through tampons or like emptying your cup out a lot. I know it can feel like a lot, but when it's actually measured, it's not that big of a quantity. And that's over an entire period that's like three to seven days.

Yeah. So like, you gotta divide that up.

If you're having intercourse. Like, the average length of intercourse is two to five minutes. Even at, let's say you guys are like, going for it, you're having sex for 30 minutes, 60 minutes. Like, even then, the amount of menstrual fluid that's going to come out is like less than a teaspoonful. It's tiny. So it really does not need to be that big of a deal.

And you know, all to say from experience, it wipes off with a towel or a Kleenex very quickly, just like it never happened. Like two to three Kleenexes and no one will ever even know that it happened. It's so, so simple.

And there are benefits to it too. Like, you get to have more sex because you're not blocking off an entire week that you're not going to. It can add more lubrication and it can decrease period symptoms. Like, like fewer cramps, fewer headaches, better mood. Like, it's a win win. Also, there are some very simple ways to set yourself up for success with period sex. To make it, like, not a big deal at all. Turn the lights down or off, you won't even be able to see it. Get a dark towel or a dark sheet and put that over your bedding so you don't have to worry at all about anything getting on your sheets. Have tissues, a washcloth, or wipes nearby for easy cleanup. Shower sex can be a great option as well. And look into menstrual discs. Discs can be left in while you're having sex. Your partner won't even be able to tell. The disc will keep the menstrual fluid, like, held up. It's like you're not even having. It's. You're just having regular sex. It's like really the best hack for that. Menstrual discs. And at the very least, remember that sex isn't just penetration. Like, intercourse is not the be all end all. So. So maybe you guys do different things during that time of the month, but it doesn't need to be. You know that there's no physical intimacy whatsoever. So that's my soapbox rant. My other soapbox is always that, like, it's your body, you get to decide what you do with it. We are never gonna tell you. You have to do anything here. So if you're just like, you know what? I'm really sensitive to blood, or it just doesn't feel good, or I don't feel desire at that time of the month, that's totally fine. You do you. But just from like, the. The shame aspect of it, like, I always like to come out hard and say, like, there's nothing to be ashamed of about period sex.

I think the other thing that I would. I would call out is, like, is it just having some patience with your partner? If you are bringing up this topic for the first time and just remembering that there may be a lot of sort of factors that play into the possibility of this feeling, like a bit of an awkward conversation the first time, you haven't. I would encourage you to just to revisit this topic and have some patience. And what I mean by this is that, I think that, you know, in. If we're talking about male female relationships, I think that most men have had the experience before pro, possibly with all the previous partners they've had of their previous partner not being comfortable with period sex. I mean, I think first of all, like, at least in my own experience, you know, in the past, when I was younger, I always just kind of took the lead of my partner. And so if she said, oh, I'm on my period, like, let's not have sex, or like, suggested doing something else, what I took from that is, oh, she doesn't want to have sex on her period. You know, I think looking back, I never actually had an explicit conversation of like, oh, so how do you actually feel about period sex? Because I had my own awkwardness. I wasn't doing what I do now back then, and I was very much like, oh, this feels like an awkward topic. And she seems like she's suggesting something else. So we will go with that. And so if you've had that experience a couple of times, your general takeaway. And I think that most men who sleep with women have had this general takeaway that, like, oh, yeah, they don't want to have sex when they are on their period. I'm not gonna, like, push it, you know, whatever. And so then the first time that someone does suggest that, like, I'm pretty sure that you, Vanessa, were probably the first person that explicitly was like, like, hey, this period sex thing, like, let's do it. Oh, really? I think. I mean, like, I think that in the past, like, I think in the past, like, I've maybe done it, like, right at the beginning or right at the end, where it's sort of like, you know, just coming on or just coming off of the period or you know, where, like, you know, my partner thought, like, oh, yeah, it's like, it's basically over. But I don't think. Yeah, I don't know. It's been so long now, I can't really remember. But I think that, like, the first time that, you know, you talked to me about that, it wasn't that I had hesitance, but it was like, you know, I was probably not immediately like, oh, hell, yeah, let's go. It was sort of like I was like, oh. Huh. Like, this is different because, like, in the past, my experience has always been that she's been hesitant to do this. And so I just. I just want to call out that, like, you know, your partner very likely has had similar experiences. And so it could be that the first time you bring this up with them, they have some uncertainty or maybe some hesitance. And I would just encourage you to have patience and, you know, try to talk about it. But don't go immediately to the assumption that if your partner has hesitance, it's because they're grossed out or they think it's awful. It's probably because they've just never had the experience before of someone saying, like, oh, yeah, this is totally fine. There's nothing wrong with it. So I just encourage you with this to, like, it's not just a single conversation that has to go perfectly. Like, there's a lot of factors kind of working against us with this one. A lot of us have had a lot of experiences where we feel like something is wrong or shameful about this. So keep having the conversation, keep checking in about it, and have some patience.

All right, that's your soapbox.

That's my soapbox.

All right. And we're wrapping it up with our last one, poop, because why not? Gotta talk about poop. We're talking about poop residue during butt stuff. This is probably the biggest fear that keeps people from trying butt stuff. Like, will there be poop? So here's the deal. When you are playing with the rectum, there is always a risk of coming in contact with the slightest little residue of poop. But the important thing to know about the rectum is it's a canal that poop passes through. So you don't, like, put your finger up somebody's butt and you're touching poo. It's not just sitting there.

It's not where the poop is made.

Yeah. It's just gliding through, coming on out. So there might be, like, little tiny bits of residue that have been, like, on the edges of the rectum, like as the poop has slid out. But again, it's much, much less scary than most people think. It does not happen every single time. It's not like a guaranteed. And it's very easy to clean up. Like have dark towels nearby, have some wipes nearby. Like it's really not a big deal at all. And we go into this in a lot more detail in episode 68, the ultimate butt Stuff episode. So if you want to hear some more poop talk, go on over to episode 68.

We got pillow talks here, we got poop talk there.

Okay, let's wrap things up with some funny stories from our audience. I'm currently 38 weeks pregnant with our first baby. A few weeks ago, we were intimate. We both finished with me on top, and when I went to get up, he said something funny and made me laugh. I peed, gave him a golden shower during the dismount, which made both of us laugh even more, leading to even more pee.

Oh, the virtuous cycle.

The things no one warns you about in pregnancy.

All right, how about this one? I was a couple months postpartum, which I'm sure played a role in what happened. But I was doing the deed with my husband and can't remember which position we were in. But I queefed for the very first time and wasn't embarrassed at all, but a little surprised since we weren't doing doggy or something that can cause it. Well, the thing is, is that it was huge and not just one, but a long steady stream of queefs. Like someone slowly letting out a ton of farts and it took like 30 seconds or so to actually stop. And then I was dying, laughing, but also scared about why it just kept coming.

A few weeks after having our second child, my husband and I were in the cowgirl position, thoroughly enjoying ourselves, when suddenly I orgasmed and simultaneously sprayed breast milk straight from the source all over him, the bed and myself. I know it's common. Side note, yes, it is very, very common. But it was the first time it happened to me and I was so embarrassed. He couldn't have cared less and we just kept going, both covered in milk. By the end, everyone and everything was sticky. We still laugh about it to this day.

Ah, my time to shine. Early on in dating, before I really felt comfortable passing gas in front of my partner, I was giving him oral while he was manually stimulating me. Position wise, that means he was laying down supine and I was on elbows and knees next to him with my butt in the air. I went down a little farther than planned and gagged so hard that I farted. What makes it better is his fingers were inside of me and could feel the gag. And the fart.

Fart. We died laughing feeling the fart. That's next level.

Yeah, we died laughing. And we still laugh about it today.

And our last one, my ex boyfriend would brag that he was so good in bed that he made his ex girlfriend squirt. I met her once after we broke up and she wanted to set the record straight. He had spread the story all around town. She said she was actually just really drunk and peed on him, but was too embarrassed to admit it. He'd been hanging his hat on that for years.

Oh, man, I. I gotta just jump in here like, bro, so let me get this straight. So one time when you were drunk, you think you made her squirt, and then you're telling the story like, oh, yeah, I'm so good that, like, I made her squirt all the time. Like, like, come on.

No.

Come on.

All right, well, that is the end of our Bodily Functions episode. If you are not following us on Instagram already, we would love to have you be a part of our community. There we are at Vanessa and Xander. You will get to fill out all these fun polls. You will get to lie about never farting during sex. So come follow us there. And also we would love if you shared the episode to. To your stories on Instagram. Like, tell us what the funniest part of the episode was the best. Like, destigmatizing. Deshaiming. Part of it. I think it just goes such a long way when you share these episodes in your stories and, like, helping your friends take the shame and the stigma away from sex, too.

All right, well, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week for a special edition of the popular Ask Us Anything series.