Episode 129: Do You Have Silent Sex? Here’s Why That’s A Problem

I have never heard a weird noise during sex. I've never experienced you or any partner I've ever had where I'm like, oh, that was weird.

Like, you're lying.

No, I've just.

I have for sure made weird noises during sex.

Well, yeah, but I'm never. I'm never like, never, like, oh, God, like, I'm so turned off now. Like, I'm having sex. I'm fucking turned on no matter what noise you're making.

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast.

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I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

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Today we are talking about silent sex. Silent, totally silent. No talking, no sounds, just silence.

Speaking of silence, Vanessa, what classic movie is this from? Be silent, be still, Be silent, be still.

I have no clue.

She's all that.

What?

It's when. When they go to when what's her name, Janie takes him to, like, the art. The art house theater. And there's like, there's like performing arts thing and. Oh, man. Classic scene. Cool. Classic scene. Real cool.

I was gonna make a dumb joke about how the entire episode will just be silenced. Just one hour of silence. So I guess we both have dumb intros for this episode.

That actually would be a really good idea because Vanessa. Vanessa and I have been sick. We've had Covid for a long time, and it has been a while since we've been able to record a podcast episode. And we are running up into needing to just put out a silent episode because we are literally out of episodes. We record a few weeks ahead. So we got a little bit of extra in the bank and we just burned through our extra, so we should have done that. Just like silent sex. And then it's like 60 minutes of silence. And at the end, it could be like the TikTok voice being like, we will be back next week.

Don't do this.

Yeah.

So if my voice sounds nasally to you, I apologize. I'm feeling quite nasally. But this is the first day that we felt good enough to attempt this. We're also in a new location. If you've been following along with our journeys on Instagram, we are renting a house for a couple of weeks while we do some work on our house. So we are in. I believe this is Pillow Talk's fourth location.

It is.

And we are also recording this episode in bed.

We are. We are.

The house that we were renting didn't really have a great spot for us to record the episode. And so I thought, you know what? This is Pillow Talks. Like, why don't we get in bed and record this? That'd be kind of cute.

Yeah. And who knows? Honestly, I'm just listening to it in this room, and it's sounding a bit echoey. It. It is. I am not sure that this is going to be the best sound quality of any episode we've ever done. We might need to move in. There's another bedroom that is carpeted and probably will not have this echo. So maybe next week.

So back to the episode. We originally had the idea to do an episode about communicating during sex, and we started putting up some Instagram questions asking people about their level of comfort with this. And one thing that came up over and over again from those questions was, like, talking during sex. Like, we don't even make any noise. So we thought, you know what? I think we need to take a little step back here.

Back to basics.

Yeah. More about just making noise during sex. And so we put a new set of polls up. We didn't really realize how many people are having completely silent sex, so we thought, okay, this is the new topic of this episode. So we're gonna talk today about why you're having silent sex, the benefits of not so silent sex, and some easy steps you can take to get comfortable making a little bit more noise.

But first, let's get into our review of the week. Love the show. My husband and I have been married for over 10 years, and we definitely hit our dry spells throughout that time, partly due to him at points and partly due to me at others. After hearing Vanessa on the We Can Do Hard Things podcast, I had to try and find her podcast to see what other great advice she had to offer. We when I was able to find it and start listening, one of the first podcasts that came up related completely to my situation. I listened to that episode and found out I'm not alone. But more importantly, it found out that there's absolutely nothing wrong with my husband and I being in two different places when it comes to sex, but that keeping up the communication about it was key and not judging each other due to us being in two different places on the subject.

Aw. Thank you for this wonderful review. And actually, there is a tie in with We Can Do Hard Things. We talked about a difficulty with communication during sex on We Can Do Hard Things. And Glennon came up with the title of Silent Sex Queens. She called herself a silent sex queen. So that's a very appropriate review for us to have on this week's episode. Thanks to our team who picked this review for today. But reviews go such a long way in helping the podcast grow and reach new audiences, so we really appreciate you taking the time to leave a review. So how you leave a review is documented.

Go to the main Pillow Talks page.

On Apple Podcasts, scroll to the bottom and you'll see the review section there. And we do a giveaway every single week as our way of saying thank you for leaving a review. So once you leave your review, you are entered into that giveaway every week going forward. And if you hear your review read in an episode, email us@infomtherapy.com and you.

Will win a prize.

You get to choose one of our master classes to get absolutely for free.

So.

So thank you so much for taking the time to leave reviews. All right, so let's get into the episode. So, as I mentioned at the beginning, we redid our questions on Instagram once we realized that we wanted to focus specifically on silent sex. So one of the questions we asked is, how often do you have sex where at least one of you is completely silent? And so 25% of people said almost every single time.

Wow.

One in four, every single time they are having some completely silent sex. And then another 27% said sometimes. So that's over 50% of people that are at least sometimes having dead silent sex.

Dead silent. You're really playing it up here.

I mean, that's silent. We were talking silent. Next we asked if you're in a male, female relationship, who's the quiet one? Like, is she the quiet one or is he the quiet one? And I want to ask you, Xander, before we polled this, if I had asked you that, what do you Think the gender breakdown would have been, do you think men are more likely to be silent or women are more likely to be silent?

I would have guessed the woman.

I would have, too. Yeah. By like, a long shot. But that is not what we discovered. Only 18% of people said that she's the quiet one.

Wow.

13% said we're both quiet. 47% said he's the quiet one. So way more men are the silent sex queens after all. Yeah, not women. I was pretty shocked by that. It was definitely not the gender breakdown that I was expecting.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

Next, we asked, why are you silent during sex? Like, if you are quiet, what's the reason for it? And there were a lot of really interesting reasons that people left in our question box. One of the main ones was just a general shame about sex. Like, everything about sex feels embarrassing, so making noise during it just feels extra embarrassing. And, like, one person said, it just feels slutty.

Huh. Interesting. Or I imagine maybe it feels, like, porny or something like that.

Yeah, there's some slightly different responses relating more to that too, but just some general shame came up.

Yeah, I have. I have a hypothesis around this. I will save that until the end of this list, though.

Oh, okay. Another answer was, I feel embarrassed about the sounds that I might make. And I think this comes up for people, particularly when you're feeling a lot of pleasure and, like, getting close to orgasm or during orgasm.

Oh. Like, oh, my God, I might make a weird noise.

Yeah, a lot of people said, like, I'm really afraid of sounding stupid, of making some sort of embarrassing noise. That kind of thing.

Yeah. I mean, not. Not to jump ahead here, but I have never heard a weird noise during sex. I've never experienced you or any partner I've ever had where I'm like, oh, that was weird.

Like, you're lying.

No, I've just.

I have for sure made weird noises during sex.

Well, yeah, but I'm never. I'm never, like, never. Like, oh, God. Like, I'm so turned off now. Like, I'm having sex. I'm fucking turned on. No matter what noise you're making, you.

Have made some very weird noises during sex during Oregon.

Okay, so you're. So you're judging me, but I. No, I'm telling you the thoughts. Just. It's never crossed my mind. I'm like, I'm in this. Like, this is sex. Like, we make noises, and the more noise you make, I'm like, I'm doing that to you. That's great.

No, this is A very important clarification, and this is something important for us to get into. I am not judging you. Like, I have not ever heard you make a noise and thought to myself, like, ooh, that's really weird, or, like, that's embarrassing. But I've definitely, like, what's the right word for it? I felt kind of, like, delighted by it or, like, entertained, amused. Like, oh, that was a good one, because that was a real interesting noise that just came out of him. So it's like, for me, it's a source of pride. Like, oh, I made him squeal.

I made that.

I made him squeal. It's like, it feels bonding and connecting. It can be a little entertaining. So I'm never laughing at you, but you and I have definitely laughed together at, like, sounds that either one of us or both of us have made.

Yeah, I've always just sort of assumed that we're laughing at the noises I make.

Okay, the next answer was not enjoying the sex you're having. And this is a very important one for us to talk about as well, because we are not advocating for people to be fake or performative with their noises. Like, if you're not enjoying the sex you're having, that is the issue. Not making noise is not the issue. So it's like. It's like the. The canary in the coal mine.

Yeah.

You know, it might be pointing out a bigger thing that's coming up for you.

So, yeah, it makes perfect sense. If you're not enjoying it, then, yeah, don't make a bunch of fake noise. Like, yeah, there's. There's no. There's no appropriate noise to make.

And making a bunch of fake noise is sending your partner the completely opposite message of what you want to send them. Like, you're telling them, oh, you're doing a good job. Keep doing that. I like that. That's working for me. But obviously, that's not what's actually happening. So let's not send the wrong message to your partner. Another common response was fears of being performative. And this was where a lot of people brought up the porn thing. Like, I don't want to act like a porn star.

Be someone I'm not.

Yeah.

And some people, to be fair, said, like, I don't really understand what my own, like, natural relationship is with making noise. So making noise feels like an effort. It feels inauthentic. And we're gonna talk about, like, how to find your own authentic noises in the bedroom in a little bit. But for a lot of people, it Was like, I just don't know what that's like for me. So I don't want to act.

Something we heard from a lot of people saying that they don't make noise because they're trying to focus on their performance. And this was one of the most common answers that we heard from men. So I. I mean, I'm just trying to put myself in guys shoes that are saying this. I think probably a lot of it is. It's probably one of two things. It's like, focusing on not coming too fast and, you know, being able to last. And I can totally understand that because, yeah, I've been in this situation where you're really enjoying yourself. You kind of make some noise or you say something about how much you're enjoying it, and that.

That can get you too much.

That can get you over the edge. That can get you over the. For sure. So I can understand that. Or, you know, it's sort of focusing on, like, needing, wanting to come faster and, like, being really in your head and kind of focused on, like, all right, like, let's get it done.

Yeah, that was exactly what came up in the responses. I will say, though, like, both of these situations are not good ways to approach performance because they're both really unpleasant to do. Like, if you are trying so hard to not come that you're like, don't. Don't move, don't make a noise, don't do anything. Like, that's just not a pleasant experience. And sex should be an enjoyable, pleasurable experience.

Yeah, like, it's not enjoyable for you. And also put yourself in your partner's shoes. Like, imagine what it would. Imagine what it would be like to be having sex with someone who's like, not, like, look, they're like, not even looking at you. They seem, like, disengaged in the situation. So, yeah, it's tough. I get it. I get it, guys. Where. Where it's like, oh, well, like, I need to last longer or whatever. But, like, yeah, there are ways. There are ways to do this that don't involve you, like, closing your eyes or looking away from your partner and, like, thinking about baseball or whatever the stereotype.

Rhonda.

Yeah, or whatever the stereotype is. There. There are other ways to do this, and we talk a lot about those ways in our guide, the Modern Man's Guide, which we'll drop a link to in the show notes. That's definitely worth checking out if you're finding yourself in this situation of like, oh. Huh. I had never really considered what it Might be like for my partner when I am totally disengaged cause I'm trying not to come, or I'm totally disengaged because I am trying to come. Like, we go through step by step. So many different strategies for getting past that and really being more engaged and enjoying the sex that you're having.

Another common response was shyness. Just feeling like it just feels awkward and it's not me and I don't know what to do. Then we had some logistical responses. A lot of parents said we just have to be quiet for privacy reasons.

That makes sense.

Yeah, they're like, you know, we're worried about our kids hearing. We just don't have a lot of, like, sound privacy in our house. So we're quiet for that reason. I will say let's look at some, like, practical solutions for this. So sound machine can really help. And you tell your kids, like, oh, yeah, we turn the sound machine on just to help us sleep. We sleep with a sound machine for that exact reason. So that's an easy thing to do. Putting music on or putting the TV on. You know, just tell the kids that you're watching a movie or you don't even have to explain it to them.

Yeah. I mean, there's also ways to moderate your volume so that you are still able to provide some auditory feedback to each other. That's where you're not like, screaming. I think people can come at this from this all or nothing perspective. Like, like, oh, oh, you want me to. You want me to make noise? Like, well, that's really loud. And I can't, I can't do that. So therefore I should be absolutely silent like you. People forget that there's always a middle ground. And we can, you know, we can adjust. Sometimes it'd be really hard to just kind of like whisper to each other, since that's all that you can do. But, you know, I think we've fallen into this trap before. Like when we used to come stay at your parents over the holidays, we would fall into this trap of like, oh, we need to be. We need to be really quiet. And like, I would really get in my head because I really, I really dislike silent sex, personally. I like to make some noise and I would have it in my head, I can't make a fucking sound. And then I would like, end up like, oh, God, like, it's dark, it's quiet, I can't hear anything, I can't see anything. Like, I don't know how it's going. And then we talked about it and was like, oh, well, like, you can still kind of, like, whisper to me about what's going on. It was like, oh, yeah, I totally can.

Or even just like a little whisper moan, like, right in your partner's ear, which can actually be a nice little sensation, too.

Yeah. I mean, if you're worried about this, you can have, you know, you can have one of you go outside the door and, you know, you can make, like, little tiny noises and see if they can hear you. And so, you know, that'd be a good way to check. You know, maybe if you put your ear up against the door, maybe you can hear a little bit. But, like, I mean, if your kids are just, like, standing at your door, their ear against it, that's maybe a separate problem to address.

Also, another practical solution can be a fan. Like a physical fan.

Oh, yeah.

Can be great noise protection. And also, let's just say even if your kids do hear you having sex, it's not going to be this horrible, scarring, traumatic experience. Of course, there's, you know, something to be said about being thoughtful when you're sharing space with other people, especially with children, but, like, if they overhear a little bit of quiet moaning, like, it's not going to be, you know, a horrible trauma for them. Another common, like, practical response was just habit. So many people said, you know, we used to live with roommates or we used to live with our family, and, like, we had to be quiet. So now, even though we're on our own and could be noisier, we're just so in the habit of it being quiet that we haven't shaken it up at all.

Yeah, well, I mean, this fits in with, you know, so much of what we talk about where, like, a lot of people. A lot of people just kind of feel like they get locked into the way they started having sex at the beginning, and then it's like, okay, well, this is what we do, therefore, this is what we always have to do.

Oh, that's the blood oath.

Okay.

Somebody wrote into us on Instagram and said, I think it was about oral sex, like, right at the beginning of the relationship. One time, she had told her partner that she didn't want him to go down on her. And she was like, it was like I was signing a blood oath that I never wanted to have oral sex.

I don't want this. I hate this. Never do it.

And that's. Yeah, that's. But that's the pattern that so many of us get into is we feel like, well, if I said, no one time, or I said I didn't like it one time, then I can never ask for it ever again. And that's just not true. And then here are a couple of other interesting responses that we got. One person said, my wife told me she wanted me to make more noise, but then when I did, she accused me of faking it. That is such an interesting dynamic, and I think it really feeds into that performative thing we were talking about earlier. People feel like, well, I don't. I don't want to be, like, faking something. And it feels like you don't know what your own authentic experience is with sound. So it can just create this, like, discomfort and this awkwardness. But I think it's.

I.

You know, if the wife was the one who had written in, I would love to share with her, like, look, you asked your partner to do something, but then you immediately shut them down by, like, criticizing the way that they did it.

Yeah, it's like, oh, not like that, though.

Yeah, exactly. So whenever we're making a request of our partner, like, we have to give them the space and the time and the patience to, like, figure out how to do it and to find the way of doing it that feels good to them.

Yeah. I imagine that if you haven't ever made any noise or you barely ever make any noise, and one, you know, one partner does make a request, hey, let's make some more noise. You know, if. If the other partner takes that seriously, then, yeah, the first time they do it, maybe it is a little over the top. Cause it's like you're thinking about it. As soon as you start focusing on something. We can almost. We can very often, like, overemphasize it. It's like, oh, oh, okay. Yeah, noise. Like, that's what I'm working on today. And. But I would imagine that, you know, if you did it five times or 10 times, like, you would ease into a much more natural thing. So to all the people out there who are listening to this and, like, oh, hey, let's try this, or, hey, I'm gonna. I'm gonna request this of my partner. I would give it a number of sessions. Don't, like, don't be like, okay, we're gonna try this one time, and if it's weird, if it's weird, it's over.

And then finally someone else said, my partner is quiet, so I don't feel like I'm allowed to make noise. That's another interesting dynamic too.

Yeah, I get that one.

And I wonder Though if this might actually be a miscommunication. Like, what if the other partner, the one who is currently quiet, is thinking like, oh, well, but my partner is quiet, so I'm supposed to be quiet? I mean, they're both thinking the same thing. Possibly. That could be really interesting.

So those were the reasons that people gave about why they're being silent. But I have a suspicion, and I'm not surprised that no one wrote this because I think that it's a hard thing to tie together. But once you hear it, I'm curious. I'm curious what you think about it. I think once you hear it, it makes a lot of sense. And that is. So what we found was that, you know, way more men are being more silent than women. And really the. The main one we heard from men was the trying to focus on performance. I think there's another subconscious one, which is that, you know, in kind of stereotypical straight porn, who's making the noise? She is. She is the. You. The guy. Really, like, there's really, like, straight porn is weird. Like, the guy is there and certain things are focused on, but, like, you don't get a lot of shots, like, of the guy's face. Face. He's not really making much noise. It's like, it's obviously made for straight men who want to see more of her and hear more of her. And it's like you see the penis but not much of the face. And you don't hear much. Like, you know, there's not really a lot of, like, spoken lines from the guy. Right. So if you're a straight guy and that's kind of the. Your introduction to sex, what you take away from that is it's like, oh, well, like, it's all about making her make the noise, or it's all about, like, getting the show from her. There's not really, you know, if you watch that, you're not. You're not really in a very good example of, like, how you're supposed to show up.

That's a really good point. Yeah, I can totally understand that. A lot of men would internalize that and think, like, yeah, it's not really about me, or I'm not supposed to be making noise.

Yeah. So I think that's an interesting thing for all the guys listening to think about, like, obviously you can't change that. Like, you've already seen that. You've already had that kind of cemented into your brain. But very often just being aware of sort of like, that bias or that predisposition that that's given, you can really help you start to break that down. You can ask yourself, does this really serve me? If I think about how I see sex played out in that way, is that really how I want to be showing up? And if the answer is no, then you can say, oh, okay. So I understand more why I've been showing up that way. I can have, you know, I can, I can understand that, or I can kind of forgive myself for thinking that this is the right way to do things. But I don't need to operate like that anymore.

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About why you should consider making some noise or making more noise. So the first thing that comes up for me is I think that noise makes sex a more intimate experience. When you're making noise, it feels like you're actually there with each other. Like more present with each other in the moment with each other. It feels connecting. And I know that so many of the reasons people gave for why they don't make noise were around like being performative or being fake or phony or inauthentic. But I think that it really does the opposite. Like when we make noise, when we allow ourselves to just like let those noises come out it makes for a much more intimate experience.

Yeah. And I mean, hearing you kind of describe that whole thing made me wonder, like, what other activity in life that is like, pleasurable or exciting or fun is there where like, you are just totally silent?

Oh, that's a good point.

Like, if you're eating a really good meal, like with a friend or something, we'll get back, you just like clam up and be like, just silently shoveling food in your mouth. You'd be like, oh my God, this is so good. Or I don't know, you're like doing something really exciting out in the world, like with somebody else. Like, in what other scenario of sort of like peak excitement or peak pleasure would you be absolutely silent and kind of expect that that would be a positive thing for the situation?

That's a really good point. Yeah. Like, we do, we do just naturally make noise when we're happy, when we're excited, when we're having a good time.

And we're vocal creatures. It's how we communicate.

We are. I think that noise also makes sex much more exciting. Like, I think that when it is absolutely silent, it's boring. Like, I really want to challenge people on this. If you're somebody who's like, no, I don't want to make noise, I don't make noise. Like, whatever it is, like, do you have genuinely accepted exciting, fun, connecting, pleasurable, intimate sex? If you do, that's great, more power to you. We're all about diversity of experiences. We're all about like, you know, different things, different strokes for different folks kind of thing. But like, I really think the percentage of people who are having absolutely silent sex and genuinely enjoying it is very, very small. So again, the central issue might not be the noise. It might actually be needing to work on the sex you're having so you're enjoying it more. So you naturally want to make noise. But I do think that there's a level of excitement that goes along with having more noise during sex.

Yeah. Or the main issue could be something like shame. I think that that's also really common, that it's like, oh, the issue is not the noise. The issue is that you have a lot of underlying shame or hang ups around sex. And so being silent is sort of like your crutch for, for helping make sex feel safer to you. And it's like, okay, great. Like, yes, you've, you've kind of taken a shortcut to help make sex feel safer to you. But can you see how maybe there are some other underlying things that you might want to address.

And in that way, I think that's another reason to make noise. Like, it actually, it helps you get rid of shame. It can be empowering in a way of just like, yeah, I'm. I'm allowing myself to make noise, to get comfortable, to be more vocal, to just, like, let those noises come out of me.

Hell, yeah.

Yeah, I think. I think it's very empowering. And I really do think that it's a, you know, it's a step towards getting rid of that shame that we have all been socialized to have.

And then, of course, it helps you tune into your own pleasure more. Like I was saying, in other pleasurable activities in life, you tend to make noise whether it's voluntary or involuntary. I'm thinking of, like, taking a first bite of a really incredible meal.

I was like, you're blowing one of my tips.

Oh, well, sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. But yeah, I mean, it helps you tune into that plot. I mean, it's kind of just like how, you know, when you are able to combine a number of senses like it. The experience is heightened. So if you're feeling something good and you also make some noise, it's like kind of doubling up on the sensory experience. And that also helps you feel more present in the moment because, like, the making of the noise is kind of like, oh, yeah, this is feeling good right here. And so I'm making noise and like, this is how I'm feeling in the moment rather than being really in your. In your head or, you know, thinking about the past or the future or whatever.

Yeah, I mean, the kind of noise that we're advocating for is authentic expression of enjoyment. So in order to make that kind of noise, you have to be in tune with what you're experiencing. You have to be present in that moment. You obviously have to be feeling genuinely good sensations. But it's. Yeah, it's just an expression of all of those things in the moment. And like you were saying a minute ago, like, it does make it feel. Feel like more of a sensory experience too, because you're just engaging another one of your senses. I mean, it's literally adding a new scent, like being able to hear each other. And even the act of making noise creates a sensation within your own body too. Like you feel yourself making that noise.

Oh, yeah. I mean, I can say from experience, there are certain. Fortunately, I guess for me personally, with, like, moans and groans, that doesn't really, like, push me over the edge. But there are certain things that I could Say, that can really, like, push me. Push me to a certain point or perhaps beyond a certain point at times where it's like, you know, I'm like, okay, I need to be careful. I need to be careful saying certain things. They are. There are some powerful words.

Well, that's. That's part two of this episode. The actual using your words during sex. We're really just talking about making noises in this episode. But I think to your point, like, making noises, it is very sexy. Like, it's sexy. I think it's sexy to hear your own noises, and I think it's sexy to hear your partner's noises. And again, this is not about being performative and doing it just for your partner's sake or just to turn them on. But there is something very sexy, and that's something that, you know, I want to encourage people to realize, like, you making sounds for yourself can be a very sexy thing. This is not something that you're just doing for your partner. Another reason to consider making more noise during sex is that it helps your partner learn what you like. So, like, we keep mentioning, like, we will do another episode on, like, talking during sex and giving that feedback. Obviously, that's, like, the most clear way to let your partner know, like, that feels good. Keep doing that. I like it like this. But if you're not at that point, that point yet where you feel really comfortable and confident, using your words, using your moans is a great way to let your partner know that they're on to something good.

Use your moans. I love that. I'm gonna try to drop that in the middle of sex. And hey, babe, make sure you use your moans.

But you know what I'm saying, though, right?

Like, yeah, no, no. You're like, use your words. Use your moans.

Yeah, use your moans.

It's cute. It's really cute. I like it.

Use your moans.

All right.

Another point I want to make is that making noise during sex can be fun and playful. I think a lot of us think about making noise during sex, and we think of these overly porny, over the top, like, moans and screams and stuff like that. And that's not the only noise that you can make. And that might not be your vibe. You might not be a screamer.

I would say it's probably not most people's vibe. Yeah. Like, that is a. What you see important is a very specific and performative thing that, you know, that industry has decided is, like, this is what men want. But, yeah, the reality is, I think I. Whatever. 90% of people I'm just throwing out numbers here. I would say 90% of people. That is probably not your authentic vibe. And that is just fine. Like, that's better. Like, your partner wants your authentic vibe. There's something really sexy about, like, oh, yeah, like, this is. This is who my partner is. Yeah.

So it's like, it's okay to be funny or playful or even a little bit goofy with your noises. Like, you know, if you're a playful and goofy and silly couple outside of the bedroom, like, bring that energy into the bedroom. I mean, sometimes you and I use our noises, like, in a kind of goofy way too. It's like a kind of, like that kind of thing.

Oh, you like that?

You know, and sometimes we laugh. Like, we. I mean, we laugh. We laugh a lot during sex. You know, I think that's, that's one of the big points that we make often is like, sex in general does not need to be a super serious experience every single time or like, the entire duration of an experience. Like, it's okay to make kind of like silly noises with each other. You know, a lot of times couples have kind of like a. An insider language with each other, you know, and like, sounds can be a part of that. And, like, you can bring those sounds into sex, too. It doesn't, doesn't need to be screaming and porn moans the whole time.

Yeah, just use your moans.

Sound can also be very helpful in navigating orgasmic timing.

Oh, yeah.

So I know that most people have this idea in their heads that they want to orgasm at the same time. That's another episode for another day. But if you are not communicating about your orgasmic timing, there is no way you're going to make a simultaneous orgasm happen. So words are going to be the more preferable way to navigate this. But moans can also be a good way to make sure you guys are, like, kind of understanding. How close are we both to getting.

Like, oh, we're moving in the right direction.

Because remember, one of our cardinal rules of sex is that everyone who wants an orgasm gets an orgasm. And the last reason I kind of mentioned this one a little bit already, but moaning and making more noise during sex is a good, great first step towards getting more comfortable communicating with your words during sex. So we are big fans, big advocates of people talking during sex. Use your words. But a great first step if you're feeling shy is use your moans.

Use your moans, then use your words. Learn to moan, then learn to talk.

So let's talk about how do we get more comfortable making more Noise during sex. So the first thing that came up for me is a little differentiation here. And this might sound nitpicky, but I think that this is actually very important.

I encourage you not to think of.

It as making noise, but instead as allowing yourself to make noise.

Or could I even say perhaps it's allowing the sound, the noise to come out of you. Sure.

So, again, I know it sounds nitpicky, but there is a big difference there. Like, making noise. If you think of it as making noise, you're gonna think of it as performative. Like, oh, I have to make some noises now to, like, turn my partner on or, like, make this seem like the sexy experience. But in reality, I think that what happens during sex, when we are truly enjoying ourselves, when we are truly in the moment, sound naturally emerges out of our body.

Yep. Yes.

We're not forcing it. We're not making ourselves do it. It's just coming out of us.

Yeah. So it's turning it from an active thing, like, oh, I have to actively make noise into a passive thing. It's. Oh, it's just allowing this thing that's already there naturally to start to come out a bit more.

Exactly. Our next suggestion might sound a little bit silly, but I think this can be very valuable, is to practice on your own. So when you're masturbating, experiment with allowing a little bit more noise to emerge. And this is a great tip. If you're somebody who feels really shy or embarrassed or awkward about, like, what kind of noises am I going to make and what's it going to be like during sex? Like, see what it's like on your own first.

And you can even do this without masturbating.

Like, I know this sounds silly, but, like, literally, just sit by yourself when you have some privacy and practice making some different sounds and see, like, what noises feel more natural and sexier to you. So this is my tip that you kind of spoiled twice already. But what I was thinking about is the natural noises that most of us make when we're eating a really good meal. Like. Yes, exactly. When you take.

Oh, yeah.

When you take a bite of something that is so good and you're just like, oh, yeah. Like, you also.

You also. You also do a little, like, dance with your hands up in the air. Could we add that in too? Like, when it's really good in bed that you do the little.

Just talking about sounds today, we're not talking about dance.

Let's do it. Do it for the camera.

Well, like, happy.

No, you don't you put them over your head? You like, do like. No, it's not quite like that. But that's, that's good. I like that.

So for real though, like, think about what is that noise that you might make when you're really enjoying food? Like, that's a natural, authentic noise. And that's a noise that you could bring into the bedroom too.

Yeah, I think this tip is great because it, it's also the same tip that we give for people to just get used to saying like words for genitals or certain like, you know, sex or dirty talk related words is literally just saying them over and over when no one is home, saying them by yourself so you get more comfortable with them and figuring out, yeah, like what? Yeah, like, how does this sound to me? Can I get used to that? What intonation do I like to use? What tone do I like to use? So I think this is just a really helpful tip, you know, in for that. And it's also helpful for just little moans and groans.

Absolutely. So, yeah, I mean, try it out when you're on your own. When you're first doing it, it's gonna feel ridiculous and silly, but just keep going. Just keep repeating the moans and eventually you'll get to this point where you'll get over that self consciousness and awkwardness and then you'll really be able to feel into like, ooh, yeah, like I like the way that sounds. Or like that feels good reverberating in my chest. Like, I like that one. And you will find your natural, authentic noises that way. Our next tip is that when you are with your partner, put some music on in the background or even the TV if you, you need to have the TV for like some privacy with the kids around and all of that. But having a little bit of background noise will make you feel so much less on display and like, less conscious of the noises.

Yeah, they'll just fade in. Yeah, your noises will fade into the background.

Another tip is to get your partner's.

Support so you can listen to this episode with them. You can tell your partner, like, yeah, I want to try making more noise, or I want both of us to try making more noise.

And you can even specifically ask your.

Partner not to make fun of you. So if you're nervous about like, oh, God, what if I make an embarrassing noise? Or is my partner gonna laugh at me? Like, share that with your partner and, you know, don't accuse them of it or anything, but say something like, you know, I'm, I'm feeling embarrassed or nervous about this, but I wanna do it. So can you just be really supportive of me?

Yeah. So don't say something like, all right, I'm really working on making more noise and you're not allowed to make fun of me. Say it instead. Like, hey, I really want to work on making more noise. And there's a part of me that is probably just self conscious or insecure that is worried about what it might feel like if. If you were to make fun of me. So could we just promise that, you know, for the next two weeks or whatever it is that we just do not make, that we don't make any fun of each other?

Or you could also ask them to just like encourage or validate you. Like, when you hear me making moan, will you just, like, tell me that's really sexy? Or like, in the moment or tell me afterwards? Like, validate me, Give me praise for trying this out. Like, that can be really motivating for you.

And I'm pretty sure your partner will be like, hell yes.

You can also ask your partner to participate with you. Like, I would love for both of us to be more vocal to make more noise. Like, that way you're not going to feel so on display. You probably do want to hear your partner making more noise, because most people do. So if you're both doing it together, like, that's just such a great way to ease into it.

Yeah.

All right, well, those are our tips for getting more comfortable making a little noise in the bedroom. If you enjoyed it, we have a little favor to ask of you. Would you share this episode on Instagram? Just put it in your stories, tag us and let us know your favorite part of the the episode.

So that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about five surprising lessons we learned from our New York Times best selling book, Sex Talks.