Episode 137: Xander Got A Episode 137: Xander Got A Vasectomy!

Did you literally just drop your pants and you were Donald ducking in this office, like, T shirt on?

No, he did not. He didn't ask.

Don't you put. Do you put on a little robe or a gown? Or are you just like dropping your pants and you have your shirt on and no bottom? Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience and I'm just a regular dude. We the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Thanks to Green Chef, the number one meal kit for eating clean. For their support of Pillow Talks, go to greenchef.com 60pillow and use code 60pillow to get 60% off plus 20% off your next two months. It is our first episode of 2024.

It is welcome. Welcome to the new year.

And we are kicking off a year of pillow talks by going there and talking about the old snip snap.

Yeah. It's story time today, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Let's do it.

Xander got a vasectomy.

I did.

At the end of last year. He got the old snip snap.

That's really weird to hear at the end of last year because right now it is still very much this year. I mean, not very much. We are in December. We're like, it's almost Christmas.

But we record ahead of schedule.

We do.

So if you've never heard of a vasectomy before, it is a form of male birth control, also sometimes referred to as male sterilization.

That's scary. Male birth control is way better. Male sterilization just sounds scary. Also, it sounds kind of passive, like it's being done to you. Like, I'm, I'm not choosing to do it. I don't know why that comes to mind, but like, hey, why don't we just not call it sterilization? That just doesn't seem like a win win for anybody.

So the way that it works is by cutting the supply of sperm to your semen. So it's done by cutting and sealing the tubes that carry the sperm. It is extremely effective. It costs much less than female birth control or sterilization for women.

And it's also a lot easier than that procedure for Women like, much, much easier. It's outpatient. There are far fewer possibilities for complications, less painful, all that stuff.

And they are even reversible, which is the cause for the infamous Michael Scott line in the Office where he talks about the emotional toll that three vasectomies take on a man.

Vasectomy, Reversal. Vasectomy, Reversal, vasectomy.

Snap, snip, snap, snip, snap, snap.

Do you know the emotional toll? I have a strong feeling that it is not allowed for us to splice in that audio into this podcast, so we're just gonna have to do it for you.

So, you know, it's interesting to bring up the Office, because if I think of it, that's really the only example that I know of that talks about vasectomy openly, like, in the media.

Yeah. And it's a total joke. It's like, one of the funniest moments in what I think is the funniest episode of the Office, the Dinner Party. Yeah. But it's a total joke, and everybody laughs. And you don't come away thinking, like, oh, yeah, hell, yeah, I want to get a vasectomy.

You pretty much don't want to do anything that Michael Scott does in the office.

No, I can't really think of much that Michael Scott does, though. I guess at the end, he moves and ends up being happy with.

That's true.

With. I was going to say who, but then I was like, are people watching who maybe have never seen the Office? And I'm just, like, ruining the whole thing. Michael is happy at the end. Hopefully that's not too much of a spoiler.

So we started just kind of casually sharing about Xander getting this on social media, and we got fun flooded with questions about it, and we realized, like, oh, yeah. Like, we've never really seen very many depictions or conversations about vasectomies, so, of course, very few other people have as well.

Yeah, we were super casual about it. Like, we didn't even.

We were not planning on making it a podcast episode at all.

No, no, not at all. It was just like, a small life detail. Like, oh, yeah, no, I got a. Like, I'm going to get a vasectomy right now. I don't think we ever even thought, like, oh, people are going to have a lot of questions about this. And then it was like, oh, shit. People really want to know all about this, so let's do it.

Yeah. I mean, spoiler alert. We are both very happy with the procedure.

Oh, yeah.

Like, super happy that we made this decision together for Xander to get One. And so we really want to break it down for you to, like, demystify the whole process, tell you every single step of what happened and why we made the decisions we did. And I think we're even going to turn this into a two parter episode because we had so many questions. We thought, like, okay, let's do part one talking about our experience, you know, your experience mostly with the procedure. And then part two, we can talk about people's specific questions about it.

Oh, there are so many questions. There's like 0% chance we could fit that all into one episode. And as much as you guys do want to hear about vasectomies, I do doubt that you want to listen for like three hours to one episode about it.

So we're kicking off the new year with a little vasectomy episode. We thought. You thought, yeah, you know, everybody's doing the new Year's resolutions, new year, new you episode. And we thought, let's do something totally different. Let's talk about vasectomies.

To be clear, it is a new year, new me, because I'm shooting blanks. And I couldn't be happier. I am pointing at the camera right now so that everyone can see my face. I'm smiling for real. For all the. For all the haters, for all the people out there who pop in on videos of us talking about being child free or whatever and being like, I see it in his eyes, see it in his eyes, that he doesn't really want this. He's just going along with it. I'm looking at you. I couldn't be fucking happier.

I guess we'll talk about that in a minute. But first, let me cue you up for our review of the week.

Yeah. So.

Wow. Even.

No, I. I had. I had this great transition when it.

Was like, even with me to show up.

I had this great one with like, new year, new year, new year, new year, new you. And it was like, oh, yeah. But first we got a brand new review, but then I turned it around and was like, no, it is a new year, new me. And then we totally went down a different track and I was like, shit, my transition doesn't work anymore. So here we are. Wow, Here we are with a really long story into an awkward transition. The podcast I most look forward to. This podcast has been one of the most validating things for me to find. To hear that I'm not alone in the struggles I face personally and in my relationship. Relationship is really reaffirming. My partner and I have also decided not to have children, which can really be a hot take these days. So relating to Vanessa and Xander in that way is awesome too. Thank you for this podcast Heart and.

Thank you so much for this delightful review. Reviews go such a long way in helping the podcast grow, helping other people find it. Spotify and Apple will be more likely to display it. So to kick off 2024 we would love to ask for your support in leaving us a five star rating. And and it doesn't have to be long, it doesn't have to be meaningful, but just a little something telling people that you recommend it. It really does help the podcast grow and we do a giveaway every single week as our way of saying thank you. So once you leave a review in Apple podcasts so you can leave ratings in Spotify and on Apple, but Apple is the only place where you can leave the review. So once you leave it there, you are entered into this giveaway every week going forward. And if you hear your review read in an episode, email us@infomtherapy.com and will get to pick a masterclass to get absolutely for free. So let's jump into it and I think we need to take a couple of steps back first and talk about our journey to deciding to be child free. So we do have an entire podcast episode dedicated to this. That is episode 37, which is interesting. This is episode 137. So exactly 100 episodes ago we talked about this. So if you want to hear more of that journey in detail, check out that episode. But basically, you know, when we started dating, I was the one who was primarily handling the birth control. Like the very beginning was condoms, but then I like very quickly got onto hormonal birth control pills. Then I tried the hormonal IUD and then finally the non hormonal iud. I hated hormonal birth control. I was on various forms of it for almost 10 years of my life and I felt like it really messed with so many things like my hormones, my sex drive, my mood, my weight. I, you know, really encourage people to talk to their doctors and to do their own research about hormonal birth control because it can be a great option for a lot of people. For me, it was not. So I did like the non hormonal IUD the most out of all the options that I tried. But there were side effects for that as well. Like I got cramps for the first time in my life. I had heavier periods, especially the first, like year of having it. And we had some experiences where you were able to Feel. Feel the strings of the iud. Like, they poked you a little bit, and that was not pleasant.

With my penis? Yes.

So as the years went on in our relationship and we started talking more seriously about being child free, we started talking about the possibility of a vasectomy. You know, we were having these conversations about how unfair it is that women often shoulder the burden of pregnancy prevention. Like, in the vast majority of cases, it's on the woman to take care of that.

Yeah. I mean, I remember us early on in our relationship talking about, like, there isn't even an option for me if I wanted it. Like, there are multiple options for women to be on birth control. And, I mean, I get it. It is, you know, the woman who gets pregnant. So it does make sense that it is like, well, you know, it is birth control for the body that will be getting pregnant. But also it's like, yeah, if.

Well, it takes two to tango.

It does take two to tango. Yeah. But if there was something that I wanted to do, there. There just isn't short of a vasectomy. And why would you get a procedure done, you know, a quasi surgical procedure done, that then you need to have another surgical procedure to undo and, you know, especially at a young age. It just doesn't make sense.

Yeah. So we started talking about vasectomies, like, pretty early on in our relationship. But at that point, it just felt too permanent of a decision until we were completely sure. And as we describe in that episode 37, like, being child free was something that we talked about for, like, 10 years. So this was a very long decision, and it just didn't feel like the appropriate thing to do until recently. So let's talk about why now. What changed our minds about this? So, originally, we had a plan that we were going to wait until Xander turned 40. Like, the last few years, we've been 95 to 99% sure that we weren't going to have kids. And it was sort of like, okay, you know, well, we don't need to do anything permanent about it now. Let's just keep, like, you know, kicking.

The can down the road.

Down the road.

40 sounds like a good arbitrary number.

40 sound good.

Good round number. I love. I love how we always, like. We always point to these, like, you know, random, like, you know, years that end in zero, like, divisible by 10 years, as if they're somehow different. We should be like, oh, no. 39, 43.

Yeah. Well, I think we also picked 40 because it was around the time that my IUD was going to expire. So it was like, fair enough. You know, when I get it out, I'm not putting a new one in. That's what the plan is. But then around the fall of 2023, I started getting this really strong intuitive feeling that I wanted to get my IUD out. And I cannot describe it any other way other than just an intuition. There was no reason. It wasn't bothering me. Nothing was going on. I just have this feeling. And I'm the kind of person who likes to try to pay attention to my intuition, especially when it relates to my body. So I decided, okay, you know what? I'm listening to myself. I'm getting this really clear, strong message. I'm going to get this thing out. So this was not the ideal situation. Like, what would have been logistically very smart would be to have Xander get the vasectomy. It takes a period of time, which we will talk about in a minute, for the vasectomy to be effective. So it would have been great if we had waited until we got the clear, and then I get my IUD out. Because with an iud, the second you take it out, you can get pregnant immediately.

Yeah. Not. Not like birth control pills, where there's period of time where it's less likely.

But again, I just had this feeling. I was like, I want this thing to come out. So we kind of have two options for what to do. Like, either we use condoms, or we speed this process up, and Xander has the vasectomy at 38. And instead of at 40.

And we still use condoms, because it still will take some time to. For me to get the vasectomy and then get the all clear that there's no more sperm in my semen. Yeah.

So Xander was totally on board. He's like, I'm just gonna get the vasectomy now. Like, there's no point in waiting if you're taking the IUD out. Like, we don't want kids. And we did have a final conversation of, like, yeah, do we really want to do this? Can you foresee your mind changing? What would it look like in another year or another two years, like, change our minds? And we both were still feeling really strongly that we just didn't want to have kids.

Yeah. And just, like, Vanessa had that intuitive feeling that she wanted to get the IUD out. When she told me that, I was like, you know, I just kind of tuned into, okay, what's coming up for me? What am I feeling? It's like, I didn't feel any trepidation. I didn't feel any worry or concern. Like, ooh, now that you're finally saying this. Oh, I feel a little mixed. No, I was just like, that makes perfect sense. What is the point of having this thing when we're decided on what we want to do? It's time. Like, let's go. So I think we both. It was something that just kind of came together for us, and neither of us had conflicting feelings about it.

Yeah, I mean, it's interesting. Like, after kicking the can down the road for, like, 10 years. And I know.

That is funny, actually then, like, we finally.

Yeah, it was like, okay, well, we could use condoms. I mean, we could have used condoms for years and continued to give ourselves that space, but once we really thought about it, it was just like, no. Like, we've been. We've been giving ourselves the space to change our minds for 10 years now. Like, we've had all the space. Let's just make that final decision. And it just felt very straightforward. It didn't feel scary or overwhelming or even emotional for me. It was just like, yeah, okay, this is happening.

And, I mean, looking back, that's how we've made a lot of decisions in our life is, like, we kind of talk about the idea of, oh, maybe we'll do this. Maybe we'll move here. Maybe we'll do that, whatever. But the decisions actually tend to get made for us, like, pretty in the moment. It'll be like, oh, okay, you know, all right, let's leave la. Let's move to Santa Barbara. And it was like, okay, cool. Like, the next week, we, like, have a real estate agent coming over to start getting everything prepped to sell our house. And we're, like, moving out a week after that. Like, we make decisions pretty quickly once the seed has been planted.

The seed?

Oh, yeah, the seed. Oh, yeah. But no, I think this is just kind of how we operate. I'm really happy like, that. I feel like we are kind of. We like to rip the band aid off. And that has really worked for us when it comes to decisions. We try not to mull it over too long.

Okay, so let's move into getting this whole thing set up. So walk us through, Xander. What did it take to get a vasectomy set up?

Well, I mean, basically what happened was Vanessa and I were both on the clock, like, calling around. Like, she was calling around to figure out who could take her IUD out and when that could happen. And I started calling around because, you know, I was like, all right, well, if you want to do this asap. I also want to do this ASAP because I had. I didn't know the details of it, but I knew generally that there was a timeline that it was going to take me some amount of time to get the appointment and then to get the procedure. And then I knew that there was going to be some amount of time after the procedure where I needed to wait until I had the all clear. And so, you know, I was like, yeah, I want to minimize the amount of time where one, where we're going to have to use condoms and two, where you know, therefore there's going to be a risk of pregnancy. When we've just talked about not wanting to have kids. So definitely don't want that to happen. Right. And you know, of all the birth control forms condoms are, they're effective, but they are not as effective as more long term birth control options. Right. And there's all kinds of things that can go wrong with condoms. So I started calling around. Fortunately, there are a ton of options. Basically it was just calling any urologist. Any urologist, or I shouldn't say any, but I imagine the vast majority of urologists do vasectomies. It's like a main part of what they do. Unfortunately, I found that it was challenging, it seemed challenging to get an appointment with most of the. Maybe the first four I called, it was like, oh, yeah, we could see you in two months for a consult. And then unclear, like, when the actual procedure could happen after that. So I made like one appointment for those just in case. I kept calling around and then I found a doctor who I could see, like very quickly. I got a consult, I think, in like two or three days. The only wrinkle was that that doctor didn't take insurance up front. I could still submit my insurance. I could submit the invoice to the insurance, which I have done, and we'll find out what the, what the verdict on that is. I have heard that insurances can be. Sometimes it works with the vasectomy, sometimes it doesn't work. So I was like, you know what? For me, I'm just prioritizing speed and getting this done, so let's just do that. So I went in to see that doctor to have a little consult and I liked him, like, immediately. So I was just like, great, I'm gonna go ahead with this.

So what sorts of questions did he ask you in that first appointment?

Yeah, so in that first appointment, the doctor asked me just generally like, why do I want a vasectomy? And then he kind of drilled down A little more like, okay, so, like, how long have you not wanted to have kids? He wanted to make sure I've talked this through with my partner, with Vanessa. And then he also just wanted to know if I was familiar with how the vasectomy process works. Because that consult one, it's for the doctor to assess, like, are you actually a good fit? Because I think the reality is a lot of people go into doctors asking for procedures. I'm not just talking about vasectomies, but, you know, asking for procedures that they're not actually a great fit for. So the doctor wants to know, like, are you actually right for this? I very much was. And then he wants to know, you know, do you know enough about it? And, you know, can I help educate you in this appointment so that you can confirm that you really want to do it and that when you come in to have the procedure done, you are comfortable and confident knowing what's going to happen, and your expectations are generally well set.

And so we both learned about the different types of vasectomies that were available, too. So there is the traditional scalpel method of vasectomy, which is where they make two small cuts in the skin on either side of the scrotum to reach the tubes that carry the sperm out of the testicles. These are called the vas deferens. So each of those tubes is cut. The ends of the tubes are closed, either by tying them or sealing them using heat, and then the cuts in the skin are stitched. So this is the traditional way that vasectomies have been done for a very long time. But then more recently, they have popularized the no needle, no scalpel method. So I think, like, and Xander, you can speak to this like, as a man, the word scalpel, it's kind of scary hearing that next to balls and penis.

Yes, it is.

I think some smart urologists caught on, and they're like, let's maybe can we rebrand this procedure? So there's the no needle, no scalpel procedure. And that is where the skin is punctured instead of cut with a scalpel. Then the tubes are sealed up, but there aren't stitches the way that there are in the traditional scalpel. So I am not a doctor. Definitely talk to your doctor about the different options. But to me, there was a little bit of a vibe of, like, well, a scalpel versus, like, a puncture. Are they really that different? But there is research showing that the no scalpel method is, like, it has better recovery times, fewer side effects, the recovery time is Shorter. So in general, it seems better. But then your doctor was kind of had a slightly different take on there being these, like, two distinct methods.

Yeah, honestly, it was a little unclear to me. I'm still a little unclear on it. It was that when I was doing research, and you go to these, like, urologist websites, you very often see. And I'm sure this is based on research and based on, you know, what men want to see, which is maybe the problem because it's an advertising tactic. But you see in, you know, big letters, like, no scalpel, blah, blah, blah, because it's like, I'm sure that's the first thing you want to see. Like, oh, great, this sounds so much easier. So I was just asking the doctor, like, oh, you know, I've seen a bunch of places. You know, I've seen a bunch of places advertising that. And I noticed that on my doctor's website, they hadn't really said one way or the other if it was like, scalpel versus no scalpel. And so the doctor that I saw was basically like, he was kind of downplaying the difference between these two things. He's like, you're still getting an incision in some form or another, and a tiny incision. A very. A very tiny, Very, very. A very tiny incision. It felt like my doctor didn't feel comfortable. He didn't feel like it would be an integrity or maybe totally honest to be like, I am not using a scalpel on you. Like, I'm cutting, You know, I'm cutting into you one way or the other.

One way or the other. Yeah, we're cutting in there and we're getting in there.

Yeah. I mean, he was basically like, I feel super confident in the technique that I do. I feel like I'm doing the most effective technique. It's the way that I was taught. It's the way I've seen the best results. And I was just like, great, let's get it done. I'd rather get it done than know all the gory details.

But, yeah, definitely, like, educate yourself, do some research, talk to a few doctors to see, like, who you feel the most comfortable with for the procedure. And then he also talked you through potential risks for it as well?

Yeah, he did. He was very clear. But, you know, I. I think some people get freaked out about this, like, but you want doctors to walk you through the risks. Like, this is the real life stuff. It's important to know this. And they need to tell you this to cover their own ass, because this stuff can happen. So he wanted to be really clear that a very low percentage of people can experience some complications. He said that he had never had a patient experience any serious complications from a vasectomy that he gave. He had, like, one patient, I think, that had experienced some minor issues. And he was able to correct it very easily and for free. And so some of those issues were, like, you could possibly have some chronic ball pain or pressure. And from our research, it looks like that can affect under 1% of patients. My doctor made it sound like if that were to happen, that there were a number of things that could be done to address it. I was like, all right, I'm just going to assume I'm not going to be in that less than 1%. And if I am, we'll deal with it when it happens. The other more real risk is that it may not work the first time around. It may need to be redone if they still find sperm in your semen. I'm pretty sure that more. We'll talk about how that works. But it sounded like if that were the case, the doctor would do it again for free, like, at no cost to me. And I think that's probably what most doctors offer. Because the reality is that doesn't happen very often if they know what they're doing also, then there's sort of, like, side effects, I guess, like, stuff to be aware of. Like, there's gonna be some swelling that, you know, you need to manage afterwards. And it's possible that there could be an infection at the incision site if you're not careful and not, you know, following the general discharge instructions.

So I think it's important to remember there are risks to any form of birth control and obviously risks to any procedure. So maybe we'll talk about this a little bit more in the Questions episode. Cause we got a lot of questions about men. Like, saying, well, I don't wanna run the risk. Like, oh, yeah, are so keyed in.

People are so keyed into, like, vasectomy risks specifically. And then totally ignore. Like, every other thing you ever do carries the same or possibly more risks.

Oh, there are way more risks for other forms of birth control. So we'll get into it. I might have a little rant in that episode. But, yeah, relative to other forms of birth control and other forms of procedures, vasectomies are incredibly safe. And finally, the cost of it. Xander already mentioned, like, we're not totally sure yet if our insurance is going to cover it. The cost for his was $800, which we paid out of pocket. And we might have an update for you by the time we do part two of the episode about whether or not our insurance ended up covering that. Before we go any further, we want to take a moment to tell you a little bit more about this week's sponsors. I think the dreaded what's for dinner Question is one of the most frustrating things about being in a relationship. It just feels like mealtime is so stressful. It takes so much mental energy and especially at the end of the day when you're just beat and you don't want to have to deal with it. So that's why we love Green Chef. They make eating healthier and eating more exciting food. They make it so much easier and simpler to do. Green Chef delivers everything you need to eat clean the easy way. Nourish your body with Chef crafted recipes packed with clean ingredients that both taste great and support your healthy lifestyle. Go to greenchef.com 60pillow and and use code 60pillow to get 60% off plus 20% off your next two months. Elevate your everyday wellness with the number one meal kit for eating clean and discover new gut friendly recipes every single week. Let Green Chef take the work out of eating clean with Chef crafted nutritionist approved recipes featuring certified organic fruits and vegetables, organic cage free eggs and sustainably sourced seafood. One of our favorite things about Green Chef is their incredibly diverse menu. Every week you get to choose from over 80 options and you can customize it to fit your lifestyle or your preferences. We are gluten free so we select from the gluten free menu. And even that there are still like 15 to 20 things that we get to pick from. It's not like it narrows it down to just a couple. We've been eating with Green Chef for over a year. We've really enjoyed it. The food has been so tasty, so delicious and best of all, just, just easy. So we're really excited to partner with them and excited for you to give it a try too. Go to greenchef.com 60pillow and use code 60pillow to get 60% off plus 20% off your next two months. So let's move into what the procedure was actually like.

All right. But before that, I just remembered the most important detail in that first consult appointment. And just so any of you out there who are doing this don't get surprised, it is a urologist. And so of course he did ask me to drop trowel so that he could inspect my balls and penis just to make sure that everything was looking and Working as much as he can assess if it's working. That sounds good. That sounds weird.

No, I love that you said he checks to make sure it works. Well, we also. Hold on. Also, I want to know, did you literally just drop your pants and you were Donald ducking in this office, like, T shirt on?

No, he did not. He didn't ask.

You don't get like a. Like, don't you put. Do you put on a little robe or a gown? Or are you just, like, dropping your pants and you have your shirt on and no bottoms?

Well, I definitely put a gown on for the procedure, but I am not sure. I'm pretty sure not because he knew, you know, he knows he only needs to look look for, like, 30 seconds or less. So it's like, it's kind of ridiculous to be like, all right, put on a gown for this entire consult. Yeah. No, he just asked me to drop my pants. And really love the visual. And underwear, you know, just in case.

But they're just, like, around your ankles.

Yes.

And your shoes are on.

Yes. He's sitting there in a stool and it's, you know, doctor, like, lab coat thing. He put on some gloves and he touched my penis and my balls. And he told me that everything looked great.

Okay, I did.

I want him. You know, I. For the record, everything looked great.

He said it looked really good.

Yeah, something like that.

Did he say, like, this is the finest looking penis I've ever seen?

Yeah.

Your wife is a lucky lady.

That's exactly what he said. You know that. That's what they teach you in medical school.

Okay, so I went ahead with googling penis doctor. Obviously, like, yes, the urologist is the one who deals with the penis, even though technically, like, the urology is all about, like, the urinary tract, reproductive, whatever. So, yes, urologist is the proper name for the penis doctor. But this person had some suggestions. Cock doc. Wiener screener.

That's great.

Wiz whiz. And erection inspection.

Wow, those are. Those are really good.

I like wiener screener.

Wiener screener.

So your wiener screener went great.

Okay, so let's talk about my wean screen. The wean screen is even better.

It is. Okay, so step one of what the procedure was actually like is my favorite step. It gave me quite a giggle. And that. That was that you had to shave everything beforehand.

Well, I didn't have to. The doctor said he requested that I shave everything beforehand. He told me that he could do it during the procedure, but he would far prefer it if I did it beforehand.

I Got a great text message from you being like, I have to shave everything. Like, I've never done this before. How do I do this? And then I also got an amazing message from you with a photo because you weren't sure how far you needed to shave.

Yeah, well, I wasn't sure how far up to shave because I don't have a lot of chest hair. But from kind of like my belly button down, I do have some hair. So I was like, it's gonna cause a weird line. So I was like. I was like, should I just go all the way up? Should I just go all the way up?

Like, where do I. You were already in the middle of shaving and you're like, do I keep going? I was like, oh, my God.

Yeah, I know. I mean, like, Vanessa and I have just never been like. Like, not because we disagree with it, just. We've just never really been like. We've never sent each other nudes. So I was trying to take a picture that was, you know, not a nude.

Like, grocer shopping. I was like, oh, my God.

I was like, this is going to be a horrifying picture to receive. But there's no. There's no genitalia in it, so, you know, enjoy.

Okay, so you had to shave everything.

I did. He gave me some tips, which was very nice because I didn't know what to do. I mean, I. I knew what to do, but I didn't know, like, how to do it. He told me to use, you know, a beard trimmer on with the lowest setting of the guard. He was very clear, like, don't, because you can take the little guard off. I do that to, like, shave my neck sometimes. He was like, you know, do the lowest setting of the guard, do everywhere, and then buy those, like, just crappy little disposable single blade razors. I had to buy like a 10 or 20 pack of them because, no, you can't buy for 50 cents, like, a single one of them. I should have gone to a hotel because, like, hotels have those. To get one.

It's been really strange.

I know I'm not a guest here, but could I have one razor shave myself before my vasectomy? That would be totally normal, right? That would be super normal. But no, he recommended that, I guess the single single razor and there's sort of. It's kind of hard to cut. Like, you can't like, really slice yourself. That's sort of some kind of guard. But it worked.

Okay, so then. So walk me through going to the office and getting everything set up.

So I went to the office. I, he, they had me put on a gown.

As soon as you didn't just have to drop your pants.

I didn't just have to drop my pants for this. I was in the full ass gown. The doctor checked me out and was very appreciative that I had taken the initiative to shave myself. He profusely thanked me. So the other thing I want to say, I didn't get this, but some doctors may offer you or talk to you in advance about this. Like offer you like a Valium or Xanax, some kind of like anti anxiety medication to help relax you for the procedure. I don't believe that anybody actually puts you under anesthesia for this procedure. It's kind of overkill. It's a short procedure and you don't need it for pain or anything. But you know, they might offer you some kind of anti anxiety medication to help. I didn't get offered that. I didn't ask for it. Looking back, you know, that could have been something that may have been helpful. So if you are feeling anxious about it, that's definitely something that you should ask your doctor about in the consult because that could be super helpful for you.

Okay, let's talk about the anesthesia. Because you said this was the worst part of the entire procedure for you. And to be fair, it wasn't that bad. But it wasn't fun.

Yeah, it wasn't. So you know, I kind of had my mind made up about how I wanted to do this and that. Like I didn't really want to be looking at what was happening. It's also hard to look because I'm like in a, in a chair kind of leaned all the way back. I'm in a gown which is sort of hiked up, kind of probably kind of like what it feels like for a woman to be in the gynecologist's office in the stirrups.

Not fun, is it?

I wasn't in stirrups.

Oh, they should have made you be in stirrups. That's so unfair. Where do you rest your feet?

I mean, I think I was just sort of lying down and I think he must have, he must have kind of lifted. Oh, you know what? He sort of lifted it up and then he put a, he put a sheet. He asked me if I wanted to watch and I said no. So he draped, he had a sheet I think hanging from the ceiling that was separating.

And partners can watch too. I know a bunch of friends. Yeah. Who watched.

No one Ever offered that.

I know. I was really disappointed when I heard from my friends later. They're like, oh, did you watch?

Wait, would you have wanted to? I'm not sure I would have wanted you to.

I don't think I would have. I mean, I would have been there. Like, I was waiting in the waiting room. I was there for moral support and to drive you home, but. Oh, I can't decide. We should put a poll up on Instagram.

Yeah, that's fascinating.

Would you watch? I mean, I'd be fascinated from a medical perspective, but seeing you in that angle and. I don't know. I don't know if I would have wanted to.

Yeah, for the same reason. I'm not sure I would have wanted you to either. It was very vulnerable. All right.

Wait, we were talking about. Where were your legs?

Yeah, I mean, I think I. Yeah, I. I'm guessing I was just laying down and he kind of.

Were you holding your legs up in the air? Like.

No, I was not holding my legs up in the air. I think he just flipped. I think he just. He probably had some kind of, you know, like.

Like your feet were flat on the table.

Either flat on the table or maybe it went down a little bit so that he could kind of like.

But like, you had knees bent with your feet flat on the table.

Not really bent. No. I think I was just lying there. And he's able to access you just kind of flip my dick up and access things. Like, he was just moving things around with his hands.

I'm upset that we don't have more details about this because to me, this was a. You needed to be in a chair with stirrups so he could access. Right. Ang in there, just like they do for our, like, pap smears and. And obgyn.

Yeah, Well, I mean, he didn't need to get, like, too far inside. He just access the outside. I don't know, man. This is.

Okay, this is what I remember. Do some follow ups about this.

Okay, this is what I remember.

Talk me through the anesthesia.

Yeah, so he had kind of blocked me off from it, and so he was talking. He was. He was doing a really good job of just trying to be personable and talk me through what was happening, but also be just talking to me, you know, guy to guy, so that it. We would pass the time.

You talk about cars and sports.

I really genuinely cannot remember what we talked about, but we were talking about things. He was asking me questions and all that stuff. And, you know, I was a little preoccupied as you might imagine. But yeah, so he, what, what has to happen for the procedure is, you know, they have to give you local anesthesia, which is basically local, like a similar version of what you get at the dentist if you're getting a filling or whatever, like Novocaine or lidocaine or whatever they call it, one of those canes. Um, and so, yeah, they have to inject you with a, you know, tiny needle to do that. Um, and I think that they have to inject you twice, cuz I think he does something on each side. And so he was like telling me, okay, like, all right, like, you're gonna feel a pinch here. He's like, you know, like, this is going to be the worst part of it. And so I knew that was coming, but it's just hard. You don't know exactly when it's going to come. You're like kind of bracing yourself for a pinch. And unlike at the dentist, where I feel like I've had a lot of cavities, a lot of fillings, at the dentist it's like, yeah, this hurts. I hate it when they poke me with the needle. I don't like it, but I know it's coming. And I can just kind of like grin and bear it, so to speak, with this. It was like I was bracing for that. And then it was like, I'm getting poked in my groin, like right around my balls, and I was like, not able to not flinch and kind of like involuntarily kick a little bit. He asked me to try to be careful, and I was like, I'm really trying. So that, that was. That was tough. So it was just like a Pokemon. And that just felt a bit scary. You know, he shoots you up with the stuff pretty quick and pulls it out, and then almost immediately it's totally numb.

Okay. So, like, I get that there was a lot of anxiety around, like, I'm getting a shot. Everybody gets anxiety when you know you're getting a shot. And obviously there's the added complication of it's a shot in your genitals, which is scary.

Yeah.

But like, aside from that anxiety, on a 1 to 10 pain scale, what would you say the actual shot itself was?

And like, not even the shot itself. Probably just the just getting the needle in. The actual pain is not that much. It was probably four, three or four. Okay.

And it lasted like a second?

Yeah, it lasted a couple seconds. It was more than the anxiety because I was like, ooh, that was. That was a little scary and uncomfortable and like, it Was. It was a bit scary that I realized, oh, I'm like, involuntarily kicking and that, you know, if I kick too much, like, I'm probably gonna actually hurt myself more because he's, you know, trying to get this needle into me. And then. And then I kind of got thinking like, oh, well, like, oh, I think I have to do this again. Like, you know, at first it was like, okay, am I gonna feel anything? Oh, it seems like he's doing things. I'm not feeling anything. And then it was like, oh, I'm gonna. Am I gonna get another one of these? Oh, God. Like, when's it gonna happen? I'm not sure. For some reason in the moment, I didn't ask him. I should have just been like, oh, like, you know, can you tell me when?

Yeah, that's another one.

That's what I just found myself. It was just a tough place to be in of, like, I wanted it to be over. I didn't want to draw more attention to the experience of it. And like, I. I was like, I don't really want the play by play. I just kind of want to, like, try to focus on breathing and getting through this. So I wasn't thinking about like, oh, let me ask a bunch of questions. But looking back, I kind of wish I did. So overall, it wasn't a very long procedure. I think in total is about 20 to 30 minutes. And a lot of that is more of the prep, like getting you set up, getting everything ready to go. I did find myself quite anxious through, you know, maybe the kind of 15 minutes that he was doing the procedure and really anxious about, like, when was that second shot going to happen? And you know, finally it did happen. And then it was like, okay, I think that that's done. But then I, yeah, I was just. I was just anxious and that part wasn't super fun. I didn't feel any pain when he was doing whatever kind of incision or. Or whatever. Um, it was just. You kind of just felt a dull pressure cuz, like he's using his hands, obviously, and kind of, you know, adjusting balls and penis around so that he can get access to what he needed to get access to. But like, that wasn't uncomfortable, really. It was just like, oh, yeah, huh. I can't feel this. The thing. The other thing that was a bit unpleasant was you notice the smell of cauterizing flesh, because I think he uses a little tool to cauterize part of, you know, the vast deferens. And that is. I mean, I'M not going to sugarcoat it. That is like your. You smell your flash burning. That was very quick, But I kind of realized that, ooh, I'm, like, smelling this thing. I don't love the way it smells. I'm feeling anxious, and I may have passed out very briefly right at the end of the procedure, which we have.

To point out is not uncommon for you. No, you're a little bit of a passer outer.

I'm a passer outer when they draw blood from me. So, like, that. That's a thing that I'm aware of. It's happened a couple of times. This was actually more minimal than what has happened to me before. It wasn't like a full pat. I was like. I just got really lightheaded and, like. And I was able to be like, ooh, I'm feeling lightheaded. It was ironic because he had just said, all right, like, we're done. We did it. And then I was like. It was like that relief, but also like, oh, I don't like the smell. And then I was like, oh, I'm woozy. And then he was like, are you okay? Are you okay? I was like. And I kind of came to, and I was like, yeah, I'm okay. I described to him, like, how this has happened to me often when I, you know, give too much blood or whatever. And so then that satisfied him that everything was okay. And then, yeah, I basically, like, got up, put my clothes back on, and he gave me an ice pack, and.

We came when we went home.

And we went home.

So what would you say overall again, like, a 1 to 10 scale? 10 is the worst, worst, most horrible thing you've ever been through. Like, what would you give the procedure itself?

I would say, like, a three or a four, and I would take responsibility for, like, a lot of that was just, like, I got in my head about the anxiety stuff, and I didn't ask a couple questions that I should have asked in the moment, but as soon as it was over, it was like, oh, that. That was super easy.

Okay.

It was just like, in the moment. There were a couple moments where I was like, oh, this is a. I'm feeling a little more anxious than I anticipated.

Okay, so now let's walk through the recovery process. What was that like for you?

Well, all in all, it was super simple. Especially, like, looking back. It was really easy. I think I did the procedure on a Thursday, so I had a Friday and then a weekend, which was good timing for me. The doctor told me that, you know, he tells everyone, you should take a day or two off of work. For me, that didn't entirely feel, you know, I don't go to work. I work from home. What we do in a day kind of really varies based on what's going on. So it was. I didn't, like, I wasn't, like, totally checked out on that next day, but, you know, I wasn't, like, moving around the house doing stuff that I normally do. What he was really serious about is, like, you have to take it easy for probably two to three days after the procedure. Like, he was like. Like, I seriously, like, especially the 24 hours after, like, you need to be on the couch, and obviously you can get up and go to the bathroom. You can grab a snack in the kitchen or grab ice or whatever. But everything else, like, you need to be on the couch, not moving around because it sounds like too much movement in the first. Definitely the first 24 hours can cause most of the complications. And then too much activity within the first, you know, maybe two to three days can. Can also cause complic. And probably the more issues with, like, the ball pain.

Yes. Or so swelling. Swelling. Yeah. We got a bunch of horror stories in our DMs from people who were like, mostly men who are like, please, Xander, take it seriously. Rest. I did not listen to my doctor. I was out. Or, like, my friend or my brother or whatever. Like, people were telling us that they were going back to regular movement very quickly and then got bad complications. And I think that actually, like, that goes to show you how simple and straightforward and not that big of a deal. This procedure is that, like, yeah, so many men are like, oh, I'm totally fine. Yeah, I can go play basketball and, like, lift weights and stuff like that.

Yeah. And that's what the doctor told me. He was like, look, it. The way you feel afterwards is really going to depend just on who you are. He's like, some people within 48 to 72 hours just feel, like, ready to go back to. Like, they want to go back to their everyday life. They want to be going on hikes and playing basketball and all that stuff. And he's like. And some people may feel like. Like, you know, they want to be on the couch mostly for about a week or so. Like, it just kind of is, you know, depends on you and how you know how you feel or just what type of person you are. But he was really clear that, you know, for the first couple of days, you really need to be careful. And then also with sort of physical Activity. What he said was, you know, for the first two to three days, like, I shouldn't do really any physical activity. For the couple days after that, he was like, you know, like, walking is fine. You're not going to hurt yourself from walking. And, like, you could do maybe some simple upper body workouts if you really wanted to. But he was like, you know, for the first week or two, like, generally, like, don't try to do squats or something where serious working serious, like, lower body stuff where you're really, like. Like moving your groin around. And also, yeah, he told me to wear tight boxers for a week, including when I was sleeping, to just kind of keep everything together.

And then my least favorite rule was no sex for a week.

Yes. So no sex for one week. And then, of course, to deal with pain, two things. For the first couple of days, you want to ice your balls, your grundle or whatever that area is as much as possible to help with the swelling. That was super helpful. I found, like, if I started feeling a little bit uncomfortable, usually as soon as I started icing it, that that discomfort would go away. So that was super important. And then he wanted me taking, like, alternating ibuprofen and Tylenol every couple of hours for probably the first. I think I did that maybe for the first, like, three to five days or so. And then I started kind of tapering down to. Just to see, like, oh, am I going to feel anything? And I think it's just important for those first couple of days to do that to keep the swelling down. And I think it also helps you emotionally and psychologically to try to just not feel any pain or discomfort from the procedure, because that's where you start to get in your head. You're like, you know, oh, my balls are hurting, or. Or is something horribly wrong. So I think that just helps to kind of get you a couple days detached.

Okay, so what would you say the pain level was during recovery?

There really wasn't any pain. There was a bit of discomfort. I think a lot of that discomfort had to do with the shaving that I had to do. Because your hair starts to grow back really quick, and it's real pokey right at the beginning.

Anybody who has ever shaved their genitals knows that it's the worst hair removal technique. It gets so itchy and uncomfortable when it's growing back.

Yeah. So it wasn't like the genitals itself. It was more the gaps kind of between, like, where my, you know, the leg meets the. I don't even Know what you call, like, where you're. Yeah. Where. Your leg.

Your bikini.

Yeah, yeah, my bikini line. So it's like every time you walk that's, you know, it's like skin rubbing against skin, but it's pokey skin.

You did a lot of waddle walking, and it was really cracking me up, like, bowlegged, like, trying to work around it. But, yeah, I remember from those. Like, you really didn't have any pain. You mentioned occasional. Just, like, a little discomfort, but it was mostly just. It was mostly the pubic hair. Like, if it wasn't.

Yeah.

If you didn't have to shave everything, I think you would have felt completely fine the entire time.

Yeah. And I think the only thing that I noticed was with walk more walking was more likely. I, you know, I would reach a point where I would start to notice, oh, like, there, I feel a little ache in my balls. And that was, you know, after, I think, you walked the dogs for the first two days. You basically got us through 72 hours after the procedure. And then I started going on dog walks with you after that in the morning, and we walk about somewhere between a mile and a mile and a half with the dogs. And there were a couple times within the first week where I noticed kind of towards the tail end of the walk, like, okay, like, I'm feeling a little bit of sort of, like, discomfort in my balls. I wouldn't call it pain. And it was just like, oh, okay, that's a good sign that this walk should be wrapping up. And it is. And I'll get home and I'll, you know, ice after this, and. And everything was fine. So I think it's just be aware that, you know, you're gonna feel a bit of, you know, some discomfort in that first week. I think after the first week, that discomfort really went away.

Okay, so next, let's talk about testing the vasectomy. If there is one thing you come away from this episode with, let it be that vasectomies aren't immediately effective. When we first started sharing that Xander was going to get one, we got a ton of DMs from people saying, like, make sure you do the testing. I didn't do it. Or we didn't do it, and they wound up pregnant. So you have to do the testing. It's not like an immediately effective type of thing. Thing. And the reason why is that there are still sperm in the pipes. So they've, like, closed the pipes off, but they can still be there. They can be a little bit resilient. So you need this temporary period of time to essentially clear the pipes.

Yeah. And there's the possibility that something has gone wrong and the vasectomy isn't entirely effective. So maybe a little bit of sperm are getting through the pipe. So it's like you're flushing it out, but then some are coming in. And so not only do you have to wait to clear the pipes, you also have to evaluate have the pipes really been fully turned off.

So I cracked me up that your doctor's orders were no sex for seven days. And then. Then he said, then as much sex as humanly possible.

Yeah. So actually, what he said, he didn't. So credit to my doctor, he didn't say the word sex or masturbation. He just made it very clear. As much ejaculation as possible. So, you know, you left it up to me as to what form that would take. But, yeah, just ejaculate as much as possible because you're trying to clear those pipes out.

So Xander came home with this amazing kit that was going to be used to test his semen to make sure that there wasn't any sperm left in it.

It was a male in kit. Unfortunately, we didn't get to do the chemistry ourselves.

Oh, my God. That would have been amazing. That would have loved to do that Home testing kit.

I don't think they can trust, like.

Beakers and vials out a little test tube.

I don't think they're allowed to trust you to do that.

So the kit cracked me up because it was so congratulatory and broy every step of the way. Like, you literally open the box and it's like, yeah, bro, you opened the box.

Yeah. Literally, it was a card that says, yeah, you open the box. Box. It just didn't say bro, but I.

Feel like it did.

I was like, wow, okay. Patronizing.

Yeah. It had, like, this little scorecard of things that you needed to do. And, like, open the box was already checked off. Like, good job. You did it. And then there was this amazing scorecard for every single ejaculate. Like, we were supposed to put a little check mark in the box every single time you had an ejaculation.

There were 30 of them.

There were 30 of them. So I got like. Like, I got a little excited about, like, okay. He says it's going to take 12 weeks for us to get to 30 ejaculations. I really wanted to see how quickly we could get this done. Unfortunately, that was right around the time that I got Covid. And then Rebound Covid. And then a cold. So it took us a bit longer to get through the 30. And. Oh, and Xander got sick, too.

I got sick. We had to move out of our house and then move back in. Back into our house. House. It was a, you know, life kind of caught up with us.

But we did pretty well.

Oh, yeah. No, it wasn't. I wasn't, like, disappointed or anything. I was like, no. Like, we're just. We're. We're doing the best we can with what is going on in our life. I think you got a little. You got a little focused on the. The number and wanting to get through it quickly. And I was like, no, whatever.

I'm like, you were like, we were at 28. And you're like, whatever, let's just send it in. And I was like, no, we have to get to 30. You can't do 28.

Well, ironically.

But then, ironically, when I was helping Xander, like, put the kit together and get everything ready, I'm looking at the instructions again. And of course, Xander hadn't fully read the instructions, and it said 20 ejaculations instead of 30. So we could have sent it in even sooner, but, yeah, very confusing.

You can't give someone a scorecard that has 30 boxes and then be like, you can do 20 of these or 30, whatever.

Oh, well.

Well.

So in the meantime, while we waited to test to see if the vasectomy was effective, we had to use condoms, which was quite a journey for us because we had not used them in 15 years. Plus, it sucked a lot more for you than it did for me. I actually. For me, like, I didn't feel a huge difference in sensation. Like, it definitely feels better without them, but it wasn't like, like, terrible for me with them, and I actually enjoyed that. Cleanup was so much easier for me. It was like, oh, I don't have to worry about any ejaculation.

Yeah, for me. I mean, look, the reality for me with condoms was. Is not. Was there. There is less sensation. I can't quantify how much less. You know, I did. We did realize that, you know, part of it may have been the condoms we bought. We bought some really, really, like, high quality, I think, like, organic latex condoms. Well, we bought two types, and there was one type that was definitely better. However, we were traveling on a work trip at one point during this period, and I forgot to bring condoms. So we went to CVS to buy some condoms, and I was like, oh, well, since we're, you know, we're not going to find the same kind that we have at home. So, you know, we'll just buy some, you know, like, Trojans or something, like the extra thin kind. And I will say those extra thin ones, I can't remember if it's called extra thin or, like, bare skin or something like that. You go, they have so many different varieties are funny. It's. It's crazy to me how many different varieties there are and, like, how little of a difference there actually is in them. But regardless, those super duper thin ones that they sell definitely were better. I would have bought more and just started using those. But it was like, that was when we were just, like, a couple ejaculations away. I was like, whatever, we'll just use the. We'll just use the. The condoms that. That we already have. The funny thing about going to that.

Cvs, well, it was so. So it was, like, weirdly embarrassing. It was so funny for me because I haven't bought condoms, you know, in 15 years.

Yeah.

And, like, going into that aisle in CVS, I was like, oh, my God. I feel kind of, like, kind of embarrassed. Buying condoms.

It brought it. It brought me right back to high school or whatever, where. High school, man. I remember in high school, like, I. I was not okay to go into a drugstore to buy condoms. I think that, like, I remember, like, going to, like, like, Planned Parenthood to ask for condoms, because somehow, like, going there to ask for it was like, oh, well, they'll give them to me. I think I thought that, like, they wouldn't sell them to me at the drugstore.

So, yeah, we're in cvs, and I'm like, oh, my God, let's just grab the condoms and get out of here. Like, I'm weirdly embarrassed. Paris and Xander's, of course, looking through, like, every single option, like, oh, do we try the bare skin or the super thin skin?

You know? I was like. I was like, hey, I'm married to a sex therapist. We do this for a living. I'm 38 years old. Like, I. If anyone deserves to be in this aisle and take his time, it's me. It's me. I'm going to. I'm going to do this different this time. I was like, I'm just going to. Gonna. I'm just gonna own this. And Vanessa was like, let's get out of here.

So then, of course, we grabbed the box. We're, like, walking out of the aisle.

I think we were browsing. We had to. There was, like, one or two other little things that we needed to buy there, so we were, like, browsing a little bit.

So then, of course, we grabbed the box, we're walking out of the aisle, and we run into somebody who follows us on Instagram. We're just, like, standing there with the condom box in the aisle, and she's like, oh, my God. Hey, I follow you guys on Instagram. And I was like, I knew I.

Recognized you, of course.

Yeah, of course. How on brand is it for us that we would meet somebody who follows us, like, in the condom aisle as we're buying condoms? It was pretty perfect, but it was just such a funny little moment.

Yeah. So if you are listening to this, whoever you were in that aisle, you caught us. You caught us about to have sex.

Shocker.

All right, so setting our funny drugstore condom thing aside, I'd say the other, you know, the other things, the other realities of using condoms are, you know, the moment does get a little bit interrupted when you need to kind of stop whatever you're doing to put one on. You know, it is. To be clear, it's really quick to put a condom on. You know, it was muscle memory. It came right back to me. I knew exactly how to do it. It. And then also at the end of sex, you know, something that I noticed that I hadn't thought about in a long time was like, I basically had to, you know, get up very quickly to clean myself up. It was sort of like the tables were turned in a way, because, you know, I realized, like, you know, after you come in a condom, like, you know, it can start to kind of leave if you keep going, where it can start to kind of spill out. And there were a couple times where I was like, oh, oh, we're. We're close to the edge here. And so then, yeah, so it just, you know, this sort of, like, aftercare type thing or this. That being able to sort of lie there and just enjoy the feeling for a moment was, like, a bit interrupted because I was like, oh, I gotta get up and get this thing off.

Yeah. So I would say, like, ideally, if you could work out your birth control so that you don't have this, you know, needing condoms in between, that would be ideal. But again, just, you know, based on what happened for us, this was the best way to do it.

Yeah. And look, it's not the end of the world. And people, you know. Yeah, guys complain about condoms. For me, yes, it is less. It is less wonderful than. Not wearing condoms is still great. Still great sex.

Okay. And let's bring it on. Home with the final testing, the final countdown. So, like, we mentioned, like, you have to send your ejaculate in for testing to make sure the vasectomy was effective. We had a take home kit with some people. You may have to go back into an office to do that.

Oh. So, yeah. So then you might have, like, the real classic experience which is depicted in things like, what, like American Pie 2. Yeah, or something like that. Or Road Trip or. I don't know. I'm thinking of all these movies as a kid depicting that maybe you get to have that experience. I didn't. I had a.

You're gonna do it from the piece of your own home.

I did. It turned out it wasn't necessarily so peaceful, though.

Okay. So I'm getting the kit together, getting ready for, you know, sending the sample in.

Yeah, we're all excited, like, oh, yeah, we get to do this. Hell, yeah. Let's do it.

And then once again, saw the instructions that you had failed to read previously.

You know what? In this case, I want to just say I'm glad I didn't see the instructions before, and I'm really glad.

Okay. So the instructions were that the sample needed to be collected as the result of a hand job or masturbation. So it said very clearly, no saliva, no bodily fluids. So this could not have been like a blow job. This could not have been like, oh, we're gonna have intercourse and then pull out at the end and you just shoot it into the cup. No saliva, no bodily fluids, no nothing. But then also no lotion, no lube. So in other words, a completely dry hand job.

Yeah.

And I tell you, Xander panicked. He was like, wait, no. No lube, nothing. No saliva. I haven't. I have never done this before. Or maybe 11 or something. Your first, like, dry little masturbation session.

But, yeah, no, I. I'm not sure.

You've never done it, I think.

Oh, I mean, yeah, maybe I have once or twice. I mean, I think I received a dry hand job when I. I was 16 or 17 one time maybe.

You were so panicked, you're like, I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can. And I was, like, laughing at first, like, okay, yeah, I get it. It's going to be, like, uncomfortable to jack yourself off, like, dry. But he was just like, I can't. No, I really don't think I can do it. Like, I'm so scared. I don't want to do this. And so, like, I. So then he's like, well, you you have to do it like, you do it for me. And I'm like, well, I don't want to scar you emotionally by giving you this dry ass hand job that you're gonna hate. And then it's like, the next time we go to have sex, you're just gonna be thinking about me giving you this terrible dry hand job. But in the end, you couldn't do it. I had to come help you, though.

I. I did finish it. I finished it so that I could, like, control. Yeah. You know where it was going right at the end. But you did it and you did a good job job. I did a good job.

I would not say. I mean, I did a good job for what the circumstances were. It was very unpleasant.

There was a moment where I was like. Where I was like, I'm not sure this is going to happen.

Yeah, I. I thought there. It wasn't going to happen either.

We kind of had to, like, reset and reload.

We were jerking things around a little bit. I was, like, looking at your penis just thinking, like, I'm so sorry, buddy. Like, I'm really beating you up here, but we just need to get this done. So that was quite the experience, the. The dry hand job. Then, fortunately, we got it done, sent it off in the mail, which is a very funny thing to be shipping your ejaculate out in the mail, but.

Oh, you got to put. You got to do the tiniest bit of science, which was there was a little.

Oh, yeah, you mixed the. Yeah, you had something that preserved it. Yeah. You put it in, like, a little liquid.

It was like, oh, yeah, keep. Keep that, Keep that semen fresh.

And then we got the results back in the mail in just a few days. It said, you passed the test. There was like. It was also really funny.

Like, it was a email, not mail, like, email, which was very nice that it was just like, very direct and quick.

There was this hilarious graphic, though, of, like, fireworks and, like, confetti exploding and, like, the graphic designer at this company just really having a good time.

Well, I mean, the funny thing is that, that the company that does this is doing a number of different tests for different scenarios. So it's like testing, do you have zero sperm after a vasectomy? Me. It's also testing, like, how much sperm do you have, like, if you're trying to conceive or for other reasons. And so, you know, it's funny, I could see things going horribly wrong too. You know, it's like, because they have to put together. Okay, who are you what, what are you testing for? What is your desired outcome like? Is your outcome aligned with your desired outcome? It's like, congratulations, you have zero sperm.

Okay, so that was quite the journey. We obviously have a lot to say about vasectomies and, and so much more because we want to get into your questions in a follow up episode. So definitely come on over to Instagram. We are at Vanessa and Zander, and that's Zander with an X. And let us know what questions you have about the procedure, about what it was like, the aftercare, anything related to vasectomies. And we will be doing a follow up episode in a couple of weeks to get into all of your questions. All right, and if this is your first time listening or your hundredth time listening, we have got big things planned for 2024 and pillow. You definitely don't want to miss out. So make sure you're following the podcast. To follow, you just need to head to the main podcast page where it lists all the Pillow Talks episodes and you'll see the word follow under the logo on Spotify and on Apple Podcasts, you'll see the follow with a plus sign button in the top right. So we would love your support in just taking a second to follow the podcast.

All right, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about your funniest foreplay fails.