EPISODE 140: What Your Sex Personality Type Says About You In The Bedroom

So many people are focused on like the desire aspect of sex, but I really got focused on the enjoyment aspect, the pleasure, the satisfaction. And I just kept coming back around to that question of like, what makes sex great for all of us? Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience and I'm just a regular dude. The ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Thanks to Zocdoc for supporting Pillow Talks. Zocdoc is the only free app that lets you find and book doctors who are patient reviewed, take your insurance, are available when you need them and treat almost every condition under the sun. Go to Zocdoc.com pillow and download the Zocdoc app to sign up for free and book a top rated doctor. Thanks to Babbel for supporting pillow talks. Babbel's 10 minute lessons make it the perfect way to really learn a new language on the go. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners to get you started. Right now, get 55% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners@babbel.com pillow. You might already know that you're a three on the enneagram, a generator in human design or an ENTJ in Myers Briggs. But do you know your personality type in the bedroom? Today's episode is all about the sex personality types model that I created. There are 11, count them, 11 different sex personality types.

Is one of them just straight up sexy like me?

Yes. And you are the one and only person who is allowed to be that.

Type or just badass. Badass in the bedroom.

Badass. Would you rather be badass in the bedroom or sexy in the bedroom?

How about hunky?

Hunky? That doesn't really describe like in the bedroom though.

Hmm. Okay, I'll go with just sexy.

Sexy. Okay. One of the types is not sexy. But today we're gonna help you figure out your type and your partner's type. Why it's so important for you to know your sex personality type and what to do if your types are different. Because they probably are. Yeah, they probably are.

But before we do that, we gotta give you this week's review of the week we love listening. Thank you, Vanessa and Xander. My partner and I have been together for almost seven years and had started to drift apart, focus on work and kids, and become complacent when it came to our relationship. But now we listen to your show all the time. Although we don't get as much time together as we'd like. He drives me to work every morning so we can listen to your podcast together.

Oh, my God, that's so cute.

I love that. It sounds like maybe that he wasn't driving her to work before and now he is, just so that they can listen, which is incredible. We've learned to better communicate our desires in the bedroom and minimize the pressure of obligatory intimacy. I want to thank you both for your work. I truly admire how real you both are and how your relationship comes across.

Thank you.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I'm sure we aren't the only couple you've guided, but thank you for helping us and guiding us. I definitely recommend this podcast.

Oh, my God. I love the thought of this couple, like, in the car, driving to work together, listening to their review read on the podcast. It's so freaking sweet.

It's a great relationship hack right there.

Thank you so much for your review. Reviews really help the podcast grow and help us reach more couples and help and guide more couples. So it really does make such a big difference. And we do a giveaway. Every sing week is our way of saying thank you for taking the time to leave a review. So here's how it works. Go to the main Apple podcast page of Pillow Talks, scroll down to the bottom, and you'll find the review section there. Just leave us a little review and then you are automatically entered into the giveaway every week going forward. And if you hear your review read in an episode, reach out to us@infomtherapy.com and you will get to pick a prize. We give a prize away every single week as our way of saying thank you. All right, let's get into the episode. So let me tell you a little bit about how I created the sex personality types model. It was really inspired by working with clients and having these conversations. Like, this was back when I was seeing people in person, like, having these conversations about the sex they were having. And I was noticing that the ways couples described sex was just so different. And, like, one partner would be really pleased and satisfied and excited. The other partner would be feeling kind of disconnected or unsatisfied. And it just got me thinking, like, how can two people who shared the same very intimate Experience be talking about what they did together in such different ways. And then I started also thinking about the question, like, what makes sex great? What is it that we're all really looking to experience when we have sex with each other? I think so many people are focused on, like, the desire aspect of sex, but I really got focused on the enjoyment aspect, the pleasure, the satisfaction. And I just kept coming back around to that question of, like, what makes sex great for all of us?

Yeah. Or like, you might think, like, oh, well, you know, both people having an orgasm, that makes it great. Right? Like, you would think that people would be like, okay, well, we both had an orgasm. Awesome. Great, we did it. But I feel like, you know, even two people that are having orgasms together regularly can still have very different experiences of what it was, like, how satisfying it was, how much it filled their cup or not, right?

Filled their cup.

Yeah.

Filled their. Something else. Whoa. No, I mean, orgasm's a perfect example, like, for some people. And we'll talk about this when we get into some of the types. Like, for some of the types, two people having an orgasm, that's like, bingo, we did a great job. A plus, like, everybody's good. And for other people, they could be like, yeah, sure, I had an orgasm, but that was, like, not good sex for me. Or even, like, orgasm is not the goal that I'm going for when my partner and I are taking our clothes off and getting into bed together. So I wanted to build this model to help us understand what is it that we're really looking to accept experience from sex when we initiate with our partner or say yes to our partner's initiation? What is that secret desire that we're really hoping to experience? And so I combed through notes from just hundreds of sessions and, you know, a lot of work with clients and started finding patterns of, like, oh, a lot of people keep talking about this aspect or this aspect. So I started just jotting down all the common themes that I was seeing, going through all these notes, and that's how the 11 personality types emerged. So to be clear, like, there's nothing scientific about this. I haven't done, like, proper research on it. I don't have, you know, evidence that these are the types. And also, like, I think for me, I don't take personality types models too seriously. For me, they're just a great conversation opener. It just gives you a framework to start talking about things. So I think humans are too complex and nuanced to have, like, billions of humans fit nicely and neatly into 11 different types. And honestly, 11 is a lot. I feel like most personality type models are like four different types. Four or five, you know, you're one of these three things. So 11's a lot. But still, like we don't all fit nicely and neatly into them. But it can be a really great conversation starter of like, oh, I really resonate with that. I never put words to that before, but that's totally what I'm looking for. Or you may have this experience of like, oh, I feel like I'm a combination of these two or maybe even these three. So again, the whole point is just to get you and your partner talking openly about that central question of like, why do we have sex? What are we looking to get out of it? What is that experience that we're looking for? Because that's such an incredible conversation to be able to have with your partner and make sure that both sets of needs and desires are really getting met.

Yeah. Cause I think if you just sat a random couple down and you just said, okay, tell me what you're looking for out of sex, most couples would kind of probably freeze up on you and be like, oh God, I don't know, I don't even. One, no one's ever asked me that. Two, I've never thought about that for myself and like nothing, you know, I'm not having anything immediately come to mind. Like think for yourself right now. Listening. Like, you know, if I asked you that question, like, do you have an answer right away? I'm guessing that you probably don't. And you know, I feel like early on when we used to talk about this and you'd ask me questions like this and I'd just be like, this feels way too big for me. I have no idea. And that's why it's so helpful being able to read through these different types because it's like the way that our brains work. Often these open ended questions are really challenging until we start to see a framework or until we start to see examples. And then all of a sudden it's like a switch flips in our brain is like, oh yeah, that's me. Or like oh yeah, this element is me. And then all of a sudden it's like once we have that small that, that quick cue as to like, oh yeah, here's something that I relate with or here's something that makes sense to me. All of a sudden we start understanding ourselves so much better, so much quicker.

Yeah, I like giving people some starting point. Because like you're saying for most people, like if you just ask them, what are you looking to experience with sex? They'll just stutter and say, I don't know. So I think having specific examples of, is it A, is it B, is it C? Then once you have options to choose from, it makes it feel so much clearer too.

Yeah. Or. Or once you see the whole range, like, might. You might be like, oh, well, okay, well, sex is about. There's pleasure, there's maybe intimacy, there's that feeling of closeness, maybe there's romance. And you think, okay, yeah, that's kind of like what the options are. But then once you read through these 11, you're like, oh, there's way more options. There's things I didn't even consider. And some of those things actually sound kind of good to me. So it's cool to be able to. Just to see. It's kind of like a buffet. Like, you walk into a really big breakfast buffet or dinner buffet or something, and you're probably gonna see a bunch of things that you recognize, and you might see a bunch of things that you don't recognize. And maybe that's exciting, maybe it's not exciting, but it's like, you know, I think that's why we like buffets. It's like, wow, look at all this stuff. I didn't even, you know, oh, I never thought of eating these two things together. Or, like, wow, I've never seen this dish before. So hopefully this is like an awesome, sexy buffet for you.

This is also a really great episode to listen to with your partner, because you guys can listen to us talk about each type, press, pause, discuss. Like, does that feel like you. It kind of feels like me. And really, like, let the episode be the conversation guide for the two of you. Okay, so let's get into the types. First up, we have the decompressor. So for you, sex is all about stress relief. Sex is like a way that you blow off steam and unwind. And you may seek out sex because you're feeling tense, or you may simply enjoy spending time, like, basking in the afterglow when sex is over. For some decompressors, it's even like, oh, sex is such a great way to put me to sleep. Like, I just feel so relaxed. So you're kind of. You're more about the after effects of the sex.

It's sort of like the means to the end of the stress release.

Yeah. And so for a decompressor, orgasms are really important because they bring that feeling of, like, relief and release and. And so for most decompressors, sex doesn't really feel complete without an orgasm because, like, that was kind of part of the point of it.

Yeah, this. It's so interesting, like, you know, hearing this in. Because for me, this was. This is an element of sex that personally, I've never really related to that much, the. The decompression aspect of it. And it's interesting because it's like, you know, I've known this for a long time now because we've talked about these personality types for a while. I'm not saying I'm, like, discovering this right now, but when I look back at, you know, early on in our relationship or just when I was younger but still sexually active, like, I definitely saw this type portrayed for a lot of men, like, in movies and stuff. And, you know, that element of, like, oh, God, I'm so stressed, or, like, I don't know, it's like dumb jokes of, like, you know, some guy going to, like, masturbate in the bathroom before, like, a big meeting or something. Or whatever. And so I always had this idea that, like, oh, yeah. Like, I don't know, it's so manly to, like, want to, like, blow off some steam having sex, like, after a big stressful thing. And that's just like, never really. I never experienced that. I never had that desire. You know, when I wanted to decompress, I just wanted to, like, lie down and relax or, like, watch some TV or something. And it's just. It's interesting how these sort of, like, tropes play into, you know, into sort of what we see in the media or how we think that our gender is supposed to be.

I have a little bit of decompressor in me, just. Just a smidge. But, like, the. The afterward of sex, like, sometimes it surprises me how much I enjoy it. Like, for me, the. The act itself is more enjoyable, and that's more of what I'm focused on. But like, sometimes, just afterwards, that feeling of, like, ah, we did it. I feel so connected and I feel so good. But I do not relate to the decompressor because I tend to get very energized by sex. And this is actually something that's caused tension in our relationship in the past. And I think it has caused a lot of tension for a lot of other couples, too. Like, there tends to be one partner who gets energized by sex and one who gets knocked out by sex.

Yeah, that was definitely more true. I think, earlier on in our relationship, I think that I've evolved A little bit. I'm not like totally just straight to passing out afterwards nowadays.

Yeah, you've got a little more pep in your step afterwards.

I do, I do. All right, let's talk about a couple of the challenges that a decompressor might face. Because the reality is with all of these types, like, there's going to be kind of like strengths or things that are like, once you understand this, like, oh, yeah, this is great, this is so good. There's also going to be areas where maybe it's good to be aware of some of the, some of the downsides of being or being wired a particular way. So if you're a decompressor, you might overemphasize orgasm. And that, that pleasure, that release that you get once the sex is over, and you might find that that actually can take away from the rest of the experience. So one thing is like, you might come off to your partner as not being particularly present or engaged in the moment, since you're so focused on that end, that orgasm, right, that, that decompression that you're going to get. And what can happen is your partner might end up wondering, like, if you're feeling genuinely connected to them or you're just kind of in it for that end result. And for decompressors, performance issues can be especially challenging. Now look, everybody struggles with performance issues at one time or another. This is not unique to any of these personality types because our bodies just don't always cooperate with our heads. But it can be especially challenging for a decompressor since you're going into sex because you want that release you're feel, you feel kind of reliant on getting that sense of release after an orgasm. So imagine that you experience a performance issue. In the middle of it, you can feel like, okay, like, how am I going to get that thing that I'm looking for out of this? And finally, decompressors can end up using sex as a coping mechanism. So instead of dealing with whatever thoughts or feelings you might have coming up for you with whatever's going on in your life, you might find yourself turning to sex or masturbation to distract or to soothe yourself. And for certain decompressors, this can even start to feel compulsive. So if you're using sex as a coping mechanism, your partner might start to feel like they're just a vessel for you to get off.

Okay, so let's talk about what to do if your partner is a decompressor, but you're not. So a Very simple thing is just try to be more open to basking in the afterglow with your partner. A lot of us jump out of bed right after we're done with sex, but decompressors can be really sweet and tender and intimate in those moments. And if you feel like your decompressor is a little hyper fixated on the end of sex and that experience afterwards, like, talk to them about what you're wanting to experience in the moment with them. So that's what the rest of the personality types model will really help you do. Let's move on to the explorer. So for the explorer, sex is your playground. You are all about novelty. You're very curious about sex. You love learning, except experimenting, trying new things. Like, you really like pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. And you're open to trying just about anything, even if you're not sure you're actually gonna like it. You do not take sex too seriously. You can laugh about it. If you guys try something and it doesn't work out very well, you're definitely not a perfectionist when it comes to sex. It's just more about that sense of playfulness. Sex in general may fascinate you. Like, you are more likely to be listening to this podcast. Maybe you've read our book, even signed up for one of our guides.

Or course, maybe you want to be a sex therapist.

Maybe. So, no surprise. I definitely relate very much to the Explorer. And I think some of my favorite episodes that we've done together, like as I was talking about the Explore, our Smash or Pass series that we've done on the podcast, came to mind. If you haven't heard those two episodes, it's basically where Xander and I try out the Internet's weirdest sex tips and give you our honest opinion on whether or not they actually work. So that was a prime example of my experience. Explorer energy come out. I was like, I don't care if I look like a fool or sound like a fool in these audio clips that we played in the podcast of us, like, trying out these tips. It was just fun to explore together.

All right, well, let's talk about the dark side of the explorer then. The. The challenges one might face. So if you're an explorer, you might sometimes overwhelm your partner with all the things that you want to try. I'm not talking.

Were you overwhelmed by the Smash or Pass episode?

No, I. I had a good time with Smash or Pass, though. I. I mean, to be perfectly honest, early in our relationship, I do think I struggled with this more, because the explorer is not my default type. And I definitely, you know, there were times where I felt overwhelmed with, like, oh, well, but, like, why do we need to try this? Why? I just want to do it. I just want to do it like, the way that I like to do it. And so, you know, it wasn't until we started talking about these things and started understanding that we each like different elements of stuff because it can be easy for someone who's not an explorer, when you're with an explorer to feel like, oh, well, something is wrong with me. I must be a prude for not wanting to do this, you know, because I would just look at it on the spectrum of, oh, she wants to try more stuff. And clearly the more stuff you try, like, the freakier you are and the cooler, you know, or whatever. Like, it's better. It's better to do all this stuff and, like, have the stories to tell your friends and blah, blah, blah. And took me a while to come to terms with, like, no, there's no, like, more is better or more different is better. It's like we each have. We each like different things. And it's not like, oh, Vanessa's more sexually evolved because she likes to try more things. And so, yeah, now it can be really fun for. For us to do stuff like that. But it's definitely something I struggled with. But again, this is why it's so helpful to understand these personality types and to talk through it so that you start to understand, like, oh, it's not like, I'm just more prude. It's just we have different ways of experiencing this. So the other thing with explorers, they might get so fixated on constantly wanting to try new things that they don't really take the time to play with one particular act and really get good at it. And so you might be missing out on opportunities for deeper or richer enjoyment.

So Xander was talking about this a little bit already. But, like, some of the challenges of having a partner who is an explorer when you're not is that it might bring up self consciousness or some judgment about, like, well, what does it mean about me that I don't want to do all of this exploration that my partner does.

Yeah. Or like, am I enough?

And a lot of partners can feel a sense of perfectionism around trying new things. I mean, I think this is like a general dynamic that comes up for the majority of people. A lot of us have this feeling of, like, well, like, I don't know if I'm going to like, that I don't know if I'm going to be good at that, so I just don't want to try it at all. So one thing that can really help is to talk to your partner about what exploration feels like for them. Because for us explorers, it really is not about having perfect sex or this incredible experience. It's like there's joy and delight just in trying the new things regardless of how it goes. Like, again, Smasher Pass was such a perfect example because the majority of the things that we tried turned out terribly. They were not pleasurable, like, I would never do them again, but that was some of the most fun, best sex I've ever had with you. Cause it was just, like, so exciting to be trying all of these things together.

Yeah. I mean, that was what that was. What really ultimately clicked for me was the understanding that, oh, we're not trying new things because the regular stuff is bad or because we have to do this all the time. In fact, it's really the opposite. It's like most of the stuff that we try, we never do again. Or we do it like once a year or once every couple years. It's like, no, it's just the act of having tried, of laughing together, of playing together, of being able to reminisce about that one time. And it might even be like that one time where we tried something for 30 seconds before going back to the old standby stuff. It wasn't until I understood that that I was able to actually be like, oh, okay, yeah, I can totally do this. It doesn't say anything about me, and it doesn't say anything about the stuff that we. That we like to do on a regular basis.

Let's talk about the Fair Trader. So if you're a Fair Trader, generosity is the most important quality of sex. So it's very important to you that you and your partner are both willing and enthusiastic participants in the bedroom. So you need to feel like your partner is engaged and present, and you are engaged and present as well. So we called this one the Fair Trader. Because for this type, it's really about the balance of sex. Like, you want to know that it feels like an equal experience for the two of you. You like knowing that you're both open to each other's needs and invested in working together to create a sex life that feels satisfying to both of you.

So, hey, equal, fair. That all sounds good, right? But here's some of the challenges that can come up for fair traders. So Fair Traders really want to feel that enthusiasm from their partners at all times. Right. So if their partner seems a little disconnected during a particular session, then they might find themselves getting in their head, like, not enjoying the experience very much. Like, what's going on for them. Like, this doesn't seem. This doesn't seem like they're not their. Their mind state or their pleasure isn't matching mine, and that's going to be a problem. And that can sometimes feel a little exhausting to a partner that might feel like, oh, there's not very much space for me to have my own or a different experience. Fair traders can also get a little stubborn about the fairness aspect. You might get a little too invested in making sure there's a balance. Like, you know, it's great to be like, okay, yeah, you know, let's. You know, let's both be giving each other oral. But, you know, maybe we don't need to be timing, like, okay, it's five minutes here, five minutes there, you know, so it can be a little easy to get into. Like, all right, let's make sure it's like, extra, extra, extra fair.

Yeah. This is not a type that I really relate to. And I remember in sessions hearing clients talk about it, and that obsessiveness was something that really caught my attention. Like, of course, I think everybody has some element of fair. Like, we both want to make sure. Like, I want to have a good experience. I want my partner to have a good experience. Like, if you love your partner, you care about their experience. Right. But there was this, like, obsessive, slightly obsessive quality that came up with fair traders where it was like, they're really keeping track of everything and making sure, like. Like, that there's a balanced, equal experience.

Yeah. And I've definitely struggled with this in the past in terms of, like, you know, I definitely identified with liking the value of fairness. And so I would struggle sometimes with, like, oh, well, is it fair for me to ask for oral in this situation to, like, help get me a little harder or something? If, like, you know, oh, well, like, have I given enough? And it's just so easy to get into your head. And then it's like, once we started talking about this, it's like, oh, like, nobody's counting. Like, neither of us are counting. Keeping track, trying to, like, hold. Hold the numbers over the other. And it wasn't until we kind of understood that that I was able to let some of that stuff go.

So if your partner is a fair trader but you're not, I would start with just describing to your partner, like, giving and receiving are equally important to me. Like, I do want us both to have a great experience. But you can also talk to them about the specific things that make sex, you know, feel pleasurable and exciting for you, too. And you can reassure your partner that, like, overall, you feel this sense of fairness, balance, or equality. But, like, for you, maybe individual moments aren't quite so important to, like, make sure somebody's getting exactly 10 minutes of attention. Or, like, you know, you both have the same intensity of orgasm, that type of thing. Next, let's talk about the giver. And these two types are really nice contrasts to each other. So for the giver, you view sex and pleasure as a gift that you give to your partner. So your partner's sexual experience feels even more important to you than your own sexual experience. Like, it just makes you feel so good to know that you can make your partner feel good. You enjoy pampering your partner, like, really lavishing them with care and attention. You. You're very in tune to your partner's experiences. You've probably been told that you're a sensitive or, like, an intuitive lover. You're just, like, very cued in to what your partner's experience is like. So, again, it's a good contrast for the fair trader, because the fair trader is like, we want to make sure this is balanced. We're both having a great experience. The giver is very much like, no, no, no. This is all about you. And anecdotally, I have found that most givers tend to be mentally, which I think is surprising to a lot of people. Like, we do often have a stereotype of men as being selfish in the bedroom. And of course, there are definitely a lot of people who are that way. But I found that there were way more male givers than female givers.

All right, let's talk about a couple of the challenges that you might face if you're a giver. So if you're a giver, you're probably so invested in your partner's experience that you are going to struggle to receive personally. You might feel uncomfortable being the focus of the attention or just the idea of receiving without also being able to reciprocate in the moment. Might feel tough for you sometimes. You might be getting so invested in your partner's pleasure that you end up coming off as pressuring or maybe even a little bit selfish. Like, your partner might be feeling, well, you don't really care about my pleasure. You're just trying to feel good about yourself. Like, you're just trying to get an A plus or a gold star in the bedroom. And this can be particularly true when it comes to male givers. With female partners, she might be feeling like you're just pressuring her to have an orgasm so that you can feel good about yourself. I feel like we hear about this with men all the time. A lot of pressure, like, oh, yeah, I want to, like, I want to know that I made you come so that I can feel good about myself.

So what do we do if your partner is a giver but you are not? So if you like receiving, this is a great match. Like, just give it all to me. I'm happy to be here. And givers can also challenge you to get better at receiving. I mean, I think this is a skill that most of us could stand to get better at allowing ourselves to receive. And I think you can also help your giver get better at receiving as well. So being able to share with them, like, this is why I like focusing on you. This is the experience that it gives me. Or even maybe it's something like you deserve to have energy and attention as well. So it's like, it's a gift that you can each give to other, each, each other. Before we go any further, we want to tell you a little bit more about our podcast sponsors. We love our sponsors and they allow us to bring you the podcast absolutely free of charge, which we really appreciate. So first up, we have ZocDoc. 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Get 55% off your Babbel subscription but only for our listeners@babbel.com pillow get 55% off@babel.com pillow that's spelled B A B B E L.com pillow rules and restrictions may apply. Let's talk next about the guardian. So for guardians, it's extremely important for sex to feel safe. You really need that feeling of security with your partner and with yourself. And it's extremely difficult to enjoy yourself if that's not present. Your boundaries are very important to you. Enthusiastic consent like that should be important to everybody. But especially for guardians, it's really important to feel that you want to make sure that everyone understands and is on board with what's going to happen between you and you really like having open and ongoing communication about what does and does not feel okay. Many guardians have unfortunately experienced sexual abuse in their past, which leads them to really emphasize and prioritize safety as an adult. And many sexual abuse survivors recognize that they have become guardians during their recovery process. But that's not the case for all guardians. It's not necessarily that they have had some sort of experience of abuse. For other guardians, it might simply just be more that they like that feeling of trust and security with a partner. That's something that they really want to feel before they make the decision to be intimate with somebody. So like, for a guardian, they're not going to have a one night stand. That's just not their jam. Like they want to feel that foundation.

Of connection with somebody first and then challenges for guardians. The first one is that many guardians don't yet recognize that they are a guardian. And you know, you might be discovering that for the first time listening to this podcast. And like Vanessa was saying, you know, since a lot of guardians have sexual abuse in their past, you can have a hard time acknowledging the importance of safety or boundaries. Most people think that sex is supposed to be this wild and intense thing. And so some people might judge their own boundaries as being stuffy or prudish.

Let's talk about what to do if your partner is a guardian. But you're not. So you definitely want to emphasize to them that you respect their boundaries. You want them to feel safe around sex. And this is something that should be an ongoing topic between the two of you. It's not just like one conversation that you have and then you're Done. If your guardian has experienced any sort of sexual abuse or boundary violation, then make sure to check out our free guide for survivors. You can find that@vmtherapy.com free scroll to the bottom. It's a really amazing guide. It's absolutely free. And it'll walk you and your guardian through, like, reclaiming your sex life and making it feel not only safe, but fun and pleasurable again too. So let's talk about the passion pursuer next. So for the passion pursuer, you like sex to feel all encompassing, intense and passionate, maybe even a little animalistic. So you are very in tune with the energy between you and your partner during sex and you really want them to be in the same sort of energetic place that you are. That like intense, all encompassing feeling. You love the idea of letting go, losing yourself in the moment. Like for you, the best sex is when time just stands still. Like, I think most of us have had that sort of experience. But if you're a passion pursuer, like, that's really what you're aiming for every time.

Yeah, I feel like a lot of us will have that experience occasionally and be like, oh, yeah, that was cool. But then we'll just, you know, forget about that for a couple of years until it happens again. But versus being like, no, like, I'm seeking that out every single time.

So passion pursuers really need to get out of their heads and get into their bodies. They like get in touch with all of their senses, they try to activate all of them during intimacy, and they may also really get excited by the anticipation of sex and enjoy like a long teasing lead up to physical intimacy.

Yeah, I mean, I can definitely relate with a number of aspects of this one, but it's a very few and far between thing for me. I feel like it's kind of the same for you, like every now and then, you know, it's, you know, it'd be like we're doing it and we kind of get into this mindset and it's really fun. But then, you know, it's not something that we seek out anywhere close to every single time.

Yeah.

So this style of sex can be really incredible, but it can also be really draining. There's so much energy and emotion that goes into it. And then not everyone feels like having that kind of sex on a daily basis, on a frequent basis, on a.

Like, it's Tuesday night and we're tired. Like, can we just get it in and like, you know, have fun and not have to have it be so intense?

Yeah. So if you get so attached to the idea of like, I need to be able to completely lose myself in the moment, then you might struggle with having sex that doesn't feel that intense. Like that Tuesday evening quickie that Vanessa was just talking about. That might feel too boring or maybe even unacceptable to you. You may also have the tendency to over prioritize an intensely passionate connection with someone, especially at the beginning of a relationship, because it feels like the sex that you want to have. Right. You might be quick to dismiss a potential partner if you don't have this immediate like passionate chemistry with them. And you might lose out on some really great partners because you're overly quick to judge based on how was that sex the first time or just how was that first date? Did I feel that intensity that I like to feel?

So what do we do if our partner is a passion pursuer, but we ourselves are not? So this is a prime type that really needs this personality types model to understand that people are looking for different things out of sex. So you're really gonna have to like lay it out for your partner of like, I respect and I get that that passion and intensity are so important to you. For me, here's what I'm really looking for because I've found that passion pursuers are so into that experience that they don't even know that there's like a different way to show up during sex. So they just, they need this description of the model and an understanding of it.

And it's probably really helpful for a passion pursuer to really understand. And it might even take them some time to really trust that not everybody sees sex in that same way. It's probably going to be a big realization for them to understand, oh, like you're not looking for that. Like you're not, you're not judging like every non super intense sexual interaction that we have as lesser than or bad or something like that might kind of open their eyes a lot and maybe take some of the pressure off. Because I would imagine if this was you every single time, it could feel like a lot of pressure.

Yeah. And then another way to take some of that pressure off is to see if you can bring more passion into daily interactions with your partner. Partner. So instead of like giving them a little peck on the cheek when you leave for work, like stop and have a full blown makeout session or maybe like jump into the shower with them and have this sexy moment of like rubbing them down and caressing each other. So if you bring a little bit more intensity into those daily moments, Then it can take off some of the pressure to do it every single time you're having sex. And your passion pursuer partner will definitely notice and really appreciate that effort that you're making. Next up, we're going to talk about the pleasure seeker. And this is another one where like these two, talking about these two types back to back is a nice contrast. So for the pleasure seeker, sex is all about pure physical pleasure. You're just like, I like to feel good. Sex feels good. Like, you just consider yourself pretty, no frills, and you might even jokingly tell your partner, like, simple minds, simple pleasures. Like, you may actually even be confused about this whole personality types model because for you it's just like, like, it's just sex, it's just pleasure.

It just feels good.

It feels good. Like, what more to it is it than that?

What else is there? Why would, why would you not want the thing that feels good?

You don't need to feel a ton of emotional connection or energetic connection with somebody in order to have great sex with them. Like, you could have a ton of fun with a perfect stranger. And you may be a kinesthetic type of person outside of the bedroom. Like, you just learn by doing. You're very tactile. You enjoy like touch and physical contact all throughout the day too.

All right, so Vanessa already started touching on some of the pleasure seeker challenges, but I think the main one is because sex feels so straightforward to you, you may struggle with understanding your partner's relationship with sex or their needs beyond just feeling the pleasure that feels so important to you. They may want to experience a certain kind of connection with you and that just isn't going to feel like it comes very naturally to you. Also, pleasure seekers can come off as being a little bit selfish in the bedroom since they can be so in tune with own sense of pleasure. They know what it is that they need and how to get there. That you know, if you are with a pleasure seeker, it could be like, oh, well, they're just so, they, they know how, they just know how to get it done. But like, what about me? Like, what about us?

Okay, if your partner is a pleasure seeker, but you're not. One thing that I really noticed as a sex therapist when I was doing work with clients is I really had to explain to the pleasure seekers multiple times the different things that other types of people and other personality types might get out of sex. Because there was just this very simplistic, like, it feels good. What, like, what else is it to that? What else is there to it than just that. So we really had to, like, get into detail about, like, well, here's what your partner is really wanting to experience. Here's what makes it feel good and pleasurable for them. So that might be something that you need to do if your partner is a pleasure seeker. But I do think one of the gifts of the pleasure seeker is that most people actually do really struggle to be in tune with and to feel sensation during sex, women in particular. So this is something that you could learn from your partner, like, being more aware and present with those physical sensations and just learning to have, like, physically a good time with sex. Next up, we have the prioritizer. For you, the most important thing is that sex feels like something you and your partner prioritize over other things in your life. So prioritizers are very practical. It's like, I know we are always going to be busy. There are always going to be a million things fighting for our attention. I want to make sure that my partner and I are active about making the space for intimacy. So you don't want to give excuses about, like, well, we're so busy or we're too tired. Like, you really want to prioritize sex. Like, be intimate before all of those other things. You value your sex life. You're really willing to spend time on it and even make sacrifices for it. You also highly value quality time. So it's not just about the sex. It's like, I, you know, I feel like our connection is important. I want to make sure we're putting it over other things in our life, like, not getting distracted by it. I want to have time for date nights, for quality time together and for physical intimacy to see. And some prioritizers like for there to be a consistency around sex. So a lot of prioritizers love scheduling sex or, like, having a specific routine because it's a way of showing how important sex truly is to you. Like, we're building it into our schedule. Like, we're making that specific time for it. So it's not about, like, it's not being boring or routine. It's. It's showing the value of sex.

And so there's nothing to be super clear. There is nothing wrong with wanting to schedule sex. We talk about scheduling sex all the time, and we think we have a way to schedule sex that makes it super fun and exciting. However, many prioritizers have a tendency to focus a little bit too much on the frequency. Like, they might get a specific idea of how often they want to be having sex. And if that's you. Like, you might get frustrated or disappointed if you don't hit your numbers. I'm putting hit my numbers in air quotes because even if there's a good reason why you didn't end up being intimate, like, you know, on a day that you were supposed to have sex, like, maybe one of you is sick, you can still get this idea in your head of, well, I was supposed to have sex. That that was part of the plan. That's like, how many we times we have to do it, right? And you can get kind of bent out of shape about that. And when you're focusing so much on the frequency, you can totally lose focus on the quality of the sex that you're having, which is such an important part of the equation.

So my main type is really the explorer, but I definitely resonate a bit with the prioritizer.

Prioritizer tendencies.

I have prioritizer tendencies. I think part of that is just because obviously, as a sex therapist, like, I really do see the value in physical intimacy. Like, I don't write it off as, like, oh, that's just like. Like this physical act that we do. Like, I really think it's sex. Physical intimacy are so important and central to the vast majority of relationships. And I will say, like, prioritizers can be a little bit type A. Like, there definitely is a part of my brain that, like, after we've had sex, there's sort of this, like, check. Get to check that off the list. And it's not that, like, sex never feels like a chore for me. I never feel obligated to do it or, like, I'm. I'm never actually trying to hit a certain goal quota. Like, I don't have an idea in my mind of, like, oh, we need to have it this amount of times per week. But there is still that little bit of a, like, sense of accomplishment in having done it.

I would say that you're much less like this than. Than you used to be.

Yeah, for sure.

I think your. Your prioritizer is chilled out a bit.

And it's much more focused. Like, I am much more focused on the quality and the experience of it. But I think a lot of people can relate to that feeling of, like, there's just a certain satisfaction that comes up around having done it. So if your partner is a prioritizer, but you're not, I do think that most of us could benefit from making sex more of a priority in our lives. So there's a way that your prioritizer can, you know, be A gift to you can show you, like to challenge you to create more space for intimacy, especially when things are busy. And it's just so easy for us to like, make excuses or, you know, put it down at the bottom of the to do list. That the prioritizer can really guide you towards making sex more, you know, a more central part of your life and your relationship. And I think your prioritizer can benefit from hearing you tell them repeatedly how important sex is to you. So making sure they really understand, like, yes, I value this. This is important to me. You're important to me. This connection is important to me. Like, that can really help them chill out.

Yeah. I mean, speaking from my own experience, I think that where I used to struggle with this, you know, maybe when you had more of the prioritizer tendencies coming out, was that as a partner it can feel like they're like you're, you're like, you can feel like your partner is overly focused on the box ticking element of it. And that feels like the sex part is a bit depersonalized. Rather than understanding that your partner really prioritizes the feeling of connection that you have when you've had sex or, you know, the pleasure that you get or, you know, all the positive things that come along with sex. And so for me, once I started to better understand, oh yeah, for her it's not just like, oh yeah, I have these arbitrary numbers in my head and if we check the box X number of times, I'm going to be happy that it's like, oh no, Vanessa really prioritizes the. How we feel when we are, when we're physically intimate. Then I started to understand, oh yeah, well, God, I prioritize that too. Like, that's also important to me and I appreciate how much she prioritizes that. But I think when you don't talk about this stuff, it's so easy to feel like it's depersonalized. Like all they care about are hitting their numbers. So it's just why it's so important to talk about this stuff in your quota.

And that's where there's a little bit of an overlap with the decompressor too, because it's that feeling of like, ah, that satisfaction after you've done it. Yeah. But I think really being able to connect it more to like that feeling of connection that we have afterwards, like, that feels so important. Let's move on to the romantic. And we are coming up on our last three types of. So for the romantic, sex is all about connection. You want to Experience real emotional intimacy with your partner while you're being physical. It's really important for both you and your partner to feel present in the moment with each other and connected to your love for each other. So romantics often like slower, more drawn out sex. You might like making eye contact with each other, saying I love you, breathing together, just like having that emotional connection in the moment.

Now romantics can sometimes get frustrated because they want every single sexual interaction to have that super strong emotional connection. And that can be a really tough standard to uphold every single time, especially if your partner is not also a romantic.

So there are a lot of similarities between the romantic and the passion pursuer. And in the same sort of way that we were talking about like bringing elements of passion through in throughout the day with your passion pursuer. If your partner is a romantic but you're not, you can also try finding smaller ways to like create a little bit of romance during the day. Create more of that like emotional intimacy, emotional connection. Romantic types really want to feel that emotional connection and like, it definitely comes out during sex, but they really want to feel that throughout the day as well. So being able to put as much of an emphasis on emotional intimacy as physical intimacy and asking your, your romantic questions like, you know, what makes you feel close to me? What makes you feel connected to me? Like, what are those daily little things that I could do to help you understand that this is important to me as well. And I will say I have found as a sex therapist that a lot of romantics are open, like very open to having other types of sex so long as they're feeling that foundation of emotional intimacy. So if you take the time to connect with them emotionally before having sex, they might surprise you by what they're open to doing in the moment. All right, our second to last type is the spiritualist. You enjoy sex that connects you to a higher purpose or an energy. Like you want sex to be a transcendent experience. It's bigger than what's happening in your body. And some spiritualists can even feel like they reach a higher consciousness or even have out of body experiences during sex. For spiritualists, sex tends to be a longer, more drawn out type of affair. In your ideal world, you could maybe even spend spend hours and hours doing it. Some spiritualists are religious and have sex within certain religious guidelines or principles. Others like more eastern philosophies like tantras. Obviously, you know, has a lot of overlap with the spiritualist.

And in terms of challenges, for some spiritualists, that connection to religion can be A challenge in and of itself. Like your religion might have certain guidelines that you don't fully agree with or that even evoke some shame for you when you try to compare how you think about sex, what it, you know, what you want it to be like and what your religion tells you it should be like. In addition, spiritualist sex can be super incredible, but it can also take a lot of time and energy. And so it can be really hard to fit that into your daily life. And it could be draining at times if you're looking for, you know, something of a certain level or, or duration every single time.

Time. Let's talk about if your partner is a spiritualist, but you're not. This can be a tricky type to partner with if you're not a spiritualist yourself, because some spiritualists can be a bit stubborn about how they want to have sex. And it makes sense. Like if. If for you, sex is this really transcendent, otherworldly experience, it's just not going to feel super enjoyable to have it not be that. So the gift of the spiritualist is that it can encourage you to have, like a deeper, more meaningful relationship with sex. And there can be some, some middle ground that you can find. But I also want to acknowledge that spiritualists are partners that tend to find other spiritualists more than maybe any of the other types in this personality type model. So it may take some active, ongoing conversation to find understanding, to find common ground, to just find an element of their approach that you can resonate with. But your spiritualist can bring a lot of meaning into your sex life if you allow them to. And last but certainly not least, we have the thrill seeker. So for you, there is a thrill to having sex that feels forbidden or taboo. You may enjoy an element of power play in your sex life, like allowing your partner to dominate you or you dominating your partner. You may like sex that most people would describe as kinky. You may describe yourself as having a fetish. For some thrill seekers, kink feels like this fun addition to your sex life, but you can also live without it. It's sort of, you know, give or take. But for other thrill seekers, they absolutely need to have that element of kink or taboo, or there's a certain fetish that they need to have in order to truly enjoy themselves. And just to contrast this with the explorer, like, the explorer simply likes exploring just for the sake of exploring. But the thrill seeker is really more about that sense of taboo. Like, if it doesn't feel kind of naughty to you, you're not really interested.

Alright, so let's talk about the flip side of this. So if you're a thrill seeker, you might struggle with some shame or embarrassment about your own sexual interests. You might think that you're unusual or maybe even abnormal for having certain desires and that's why it's so important to be able to understand these personality types. Or you might even have a partner who is a bit judgmental of your own interests or desires. And most thrill seekers are super good at establishing clear boundaries and emphasizing safety. But some thrill seekers haven't yet figured out how to have a healthy relationship or healthy boundaries with their own desires.

Now let's talk about what to do if your partner is a thrill seeker but you're not. So our perspective is that as long as everyone involved is adult, they understand and enthusiastically consent to what's going on. Anything goes. So that can be a very useful perspective to share with your thrill seeker. It can go a long way towards decreasing any shame or embarrassment that they may feel. Now, if you're not open to exploring your thrill seekers particular interests, make sure you don't shame them for having those interests in the first place. And really recognize that it took a lot of bravery for them to share their desires with you. You. And we also have an early episode of the podcast, episode 28. So your partner told you their fantasy and you're not into it. That is a good podcast episode to listen to if you are not a thrill seeker. All right, well Those are our 11 sex personality types. We hope this has been really interesting, got some gears turning in your head, and most importantly, helped you open up some conversations with your partner about what it is that you are each looking to experience during sex. What makes sex feel like a truly satisfying, exciting, intimate experience for both of you. Now we've got some very exciting news to share. February is coming up fast and we have a sweet annual event that encourages couples to connect and get extra spicy in the bedroom. It has been a huge success in the past, so we're bringing it back in 2024 with some pretty interesting changes. We don't want to spoil anything too soon, but it is a big thing. Big thing. It's real big and we don't want you to miss it. So make sure you are on our email list. Go to vmtherapy.com subscribe we'll also put that link in the show notes for you and make sure you're following our Instagram account. Vanessa and Xander. That's Xander with an X. So you can be up to date. And we have a little bit of an Easter egg situation for you here. We hid the name of this event in this episode, so if you are the first listener to guess the name, you have to come over to Instagram. We're Vanessa and Zander. We're going to have a post all about this episode of the podcast. So find that post and leave us a comment with your guests about the name of the event. And the first person who guesses is going to get a big surprise. So have fun with that. Good luck with your guesses, but we will tell you you want to win this prize.

And just like that, that's all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about how to get your partner to be more romantic.

Sam.