EPISODE 146: Are You Nagging? Or Is Your Partner Being Childish?

The times that you nag me, I would venture a guess they feel worse than the times that I nag you. Like, I really resonate with this. Makes me feel like a child. Like, it brings up. It brings up a lot of shame when you nag me about something. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. This episode is sponsored by Oneskin, which combines tissue engineering, data analysis and cutting edge longevity science to target skin aging. To get 15% off today, go to Oneskin Co and use Code Pillow. And thanks to Cozy Earth for continuing to support Pillow Talks. Give the gift of a good night's rest with cozy earth. Get 35% off site wide when you use Code pillow talks@cozyearth.com Babe, you still haven't unloaded the dishwasher, have you? Why'd you fold the towel like that? I asked you to take the trash out like 10 times already.

Ooh, I'm feeling triggered already. We just got started.

If you're feeling triggered on the giving or the receiving end of that, do not fear. Today we are going there. We are talking about nagging and more importantly, tips for how to manage it.

Tips on how to nag, how to nag, how to nag better, how to.

Be the best nag you can be.

I wonder if there are any, like, nagging influencers out there. Influencer for everything these days. I wonder if there are people that are like, yeah, like, you know, my 10 step process for nagging to get things done right?

I don't know if they'd call it nagging to get things done right, but we have a process to get things done right that doesn't include nagging. Because, let's be real, nobody likes to be on the receiving end of nagging and nobody likes to be on the giving end of nagging either.

No, definitely not.

So today we're breaking down what nagging really is, how big of an issue it is, and are we maybe confused actually about what's going on when nagging is happening?

Oh, but first we got to get into our review of the week this Week's review is 12 out of 10. Recommend for everyone. Ooh, but they only gave us five stars. How come they didn't give us six out of five stars?

I don't think Apple Podcasts allows that, sadly.

I appreciate that in their. In their review title, they made sure everyone knows that it's 12 out of 10. I love this podcast. I look forward to the new episode every week. They're always so relatable and insightful. I found Pillow Talks on another podcast and was immediately hooked. I came to VNX for sex advice, and I'm always leaving the episodes with that and so much more. Relationships, mindset, perspective, et cetera. I've recommended this podcast to all my friends and family, and they've had nothing but good things to say. Give it a listen and prepare to be hooked too.

Oh, thank you for the delightful review.

Yeah. And. And referrals.

Yes, referrals. Actually, those go a very long way, too.

Yeah. Seriously.

Yeah. When your friend is recommending something to you that goes long way. So reviews mean so much to the podcast. It's really the only way the podcast can grow and reach new audiences. So we really appreciate you helping us serve more couples by leaving a review. And we do a giveaway every single week as our little way of saying thank you. So here's how it works. You go to the main Pillow Talks page on Apple Podcasts, scroll to the bottom, and you'll see the reviews there. Just leave your review. It doesn't have to be long. Can just be a few quick seconds. Literally can take 60 seconds or less. And then once you leave that review, you are entered into our giveaway every single week going forward. So if you hear your review read in an episode, email us@infomtherapy.com and you will get to choose a prize. It's just our little way of saying thank you for helping support the podcast and helping Pillow Talks grow. Okay, so let's get into the topic of nagging.

Babe, get into the body of the podcast episode. Why haven't you done it yet?

So. So, as always, we turn to our trusted Instagram community. We're over at Vanessa and Xander. That Xander with an X. If you are not a part of our community yet, you definitely should be.

Yeah, because then you could be contributing to us, getting all the information that we need for these podcast episodes.

So, first we asked, do you think nagging is an issue in your relationship? The answers that we gave were, yes, a big issue. Yes, a small to medium issue. I don't. But my partner thinks it is and not an issue at all. So the most popular answer at 43%. Xander, tell us what it was.

A yes, a small to medium issue.

An additional 10% said, yes, a big issue. And another 10% said, I don't, but my partner thinks it is. So that was about 75% of respondents said, you know, basically, at least one person in the relationship thinks nagging is an issue in their relationship. So before we go any further, I think we need to define what is nagging. And nagging is interesting because I feel like we all. It's like that old description of porn from the Supreme Court. It's like, you know it when you see it, you hear it when you see it. Like, you know what nagging is when you hear it.

Yeah, but, like, it's. How do you actually explain. How do you put words to it?

It's surprisingly hard to define. So what we came up with was asking someone repeatedly to do something, often accompanied by an annoyed, frustrated, or condescending tone. And I think the tone is really when you can tell that it's nagging.

Yeah, there's a tone.

To me, I think there's also a piece in nagging where you're sort of operating from the assumption that somebody hasn't done that thing. Like, you're like, you haven't done it. I have to remind you again and again and again.

Yeah, well, because presumably if you were always asking someone if they did something and the answer was yes more than 50% of the time, or, like, was pretty frequently. Yes. Like, yeah, I did that. Like, you probably wouldn't be asking so many times. Right. Like, you probably wouldn't be doing it in the first place. Or like, you definitely wouldn't be repeatedly asking. And it would be weird if you had, like, a tone with it. If it's like, you know, the expectation is, oh, yeah, if I ask them if they've done something, they've probably done it. So, yeah, it makes sense that, you know, this is a repetitive thing, that this is. That this is a thing where. Yeah, there's a charge to the way it sounds.

It can be a gray area, though. So, for example, listen to this question. Can this be put away? Is that nagging or not nagging?

Not nagging.

Really? What if it's like, can this be put away?

Yeah, I mean, that's like. That's starting to get there.

It's sort of an interesting. Because that's one of those questions. It's not really a question. You're actually wanting somebody to put the thing away? Like, can this be put away? Obviously, yeah. It's like, are you asking me to. Are you actually asking, is it possible to put that item away?

Yeah. I mean, technically, grammatically speaking, that is in the passive. So it's like, not a question of can I do it? Can you do it? Should I do it? Should you do it? It's just like, is it possible? In theory. So, yeah. Yeah. I mean, those are probably not great. Like, I wouldn't recommend anybody ever word a question that way, because it's vague.

What about, are you almost ready to go?

I mean, I'm trying to.

It's the tone.

Yeah, there's a bit there.

It could be, are you almost ready to go? Versus are you almost ready to go? It's all about the tone. Same thing with, like, are you going to eat that or are you going to wear that? That one for me, you don't even need too much tone. It already starts to, like, get my hackles up a bit. So a part of our definition of nagging was asking someone repeatedly to do something. And I think this is where nagging gets really gray. It's like, when is it nagging versus when is it reminding? Because in relationships, like, we often have to remind each other of things. You know, Xander and I joke all the time about how our memories are just very different. Like, I have a steel trap memory for certain things, and Xander's is like a sieve.

Sieve, sieve, sieve, sieve, sieve, sieve.

Xander's like a sieve.

I think it's spelled like a colander. A colander, great.

And I have a colander for certain things where Xander is a steel trap. So it's like, you know, part of being a team is reminding each other and kind of like, you know, yeah, I got this stuff, you got that stuff, type of thing. But obviously, reminding can very easily cross the line into feeling like nagging. And a lot of people in our Instagram community said that they didn't know where that line was. Like, we put up a question box. Like, said, what questions do you have? How can we help you with nagging? And the. One of the biggest things that people wrote was like, well, when is it reminding and when is it nagging? And this seemed like something that people were arguing with their partners about.

Yeah, that. That makes a lot of sense. And I think that we'll later get into some suggestions, and I think that we have some suggestions that will help clarify, like, when to do this, but also ways to. Ways to set things up. So that you don't feel like you need to have as many reminders. Because I totally get like, if you ask somebody to do something that's like very open ended or like far in the future, you might think you, you know, it might be like, oh yeah, well then do they remember, like I asked them a long time ago or it's been a while, I haven't seen them make any progress but like, I haven't been with them constantly. So yeah, we're going to talk about ways to maybe decrease some of that uncertainty because I think that, that you know, we can set ourselves up for failure in a way of like making really open ended requests for something very far in the future and then like not knowing what's happening with that.

Yeah. So I would say like checking in once or twice is reminding, but checking in over and over again on a consistent, consistent basis. For me, that's when it crosses the line into nagging. And I would say the tone is different too. So with reminding there is that sense of teamwork, like, hey, I'm in this with you. I know you and I know that you tend to forget this. So I'm just reminding you to grab this or book that appointment or whatever it is versus nagging. There's more of an irritated, frustrated tone. You've already done something wrong. Like I'm mad at you for not already having this done.

Yeah. And I think there's even more gray area with reminding because it's like, you know, the tone of the reminder is so important, but it's just like, like, hey, just wanted to remind you that like you got to pick the kids up later versus including sort of like what your goal is with the reminder. Like stating that very clearly, like, oh, hey, you know, I just remembered that like I just remembered that Timmy actually has a slightly different schedule after school, school today. And so I just wanted to check in to, to like see what time you were planning to get there so that he actually gets to this appointment or whatever on time or something like that. So that it's like, you know, you are, you are saying the reason why you are reminding or checking in and, and you know, it might be because like tying it to an impact that, that the person's responsibility might have on somebody else or maybe how it impacts like responsibilities that you have. Like, oh, you know, like, I don't know, for example, I'm, you know, one of my, one of my chores is making the bed. And let's say that like Vanessa was folding clothes on the bed and there's like a whole pile of laundry. Like, it would be very fair of me to check in with her. Like, oh, I'm just curious when you're planning to do that, because it impacts when I am going to be able to. To do the bed or something like that. I'm so, like, what I will very often say is, hey, I'm just like, I'm just trying to plan my day right now. So I'm just curious, like, when, you know, if you're open to telling me, like, when you're planning to do X, Y and Z so that I can plan around that.

Honestly, I think the vast majority of it comes down to the tone.

You know, it when you hear it.

If you're saying something in an even, calm or even happy tone, it's very rarely going to feel like nagging. Even if it is multiple reminders of, like, hey, you know, dishwasher still freaking full. Like, if that. If your tone is good, it's not going to feel like nagging.

Oh, yeah. I mean, we actually, we got into almost a little spat about this a couple of days ago because I got home and we were, like, in a rush to get somewhere. And it was usually, I feed the dogs, but I had gone surfing late in the afternoon, which is atypical for me. And we were going to go to Vanessa's grandma's house for dinner afterwards. And so Vanessa had said that maybe she would feed the dogs, like, if she left before I got back. And I got home right around the time that I thought she was probably going to leave. And so I wasn't sure if the dogs had been fed yet. And, like, a couple other little things that had to get done around the house. And so I was, like, trying to check in with her, but I was in a rush and I definitely used a tone that was not the, like, calm, checking in tone. And I don't think that felt very good for you, huh?

Yeah, it didn't. I do want to stop here, though, and make it very clear that the point of this episode is not how to nag better. I can imagine listening to this episode and hearing us start to talk about, like, oh, you have to keep the tone calm and even be happy when you're giving the reminders. And I could imagine starting to think, like, these motherfuckers, like, they don't understand how frustrating it is to tell my partner 10 times to unload the dishwasher and take out the trash and all the things. Don't worry, we are gonna get into it. Like, I Kind of hinted at at the beginning, like, there's so much more to nagging than a lot of people realize.

There's some. There's an art to nagging.

No, there are so many more complex dynamics. I think the. The typical storyline that we hear about nagging is, like, male, female relationships. The woman is such a nag, and the poor guy, what a tough life. Can't catch a brain that he has this shrill, nagging wife all the time. And that is not what we are perpetuating with this episode. So hang with us for a moment.

All right, so what kind of stuff are people commonly nagging about? We asked our Instagram audience, and here are the most common things that people said. So chores. I feel like we've kind of given a couple examples.

That was far and away the most common response.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Having to remind my partner to do their chores.

Yeah. Like, have you. Have you unloaded the dishwasher? Have you washed the clothes? Have you made the bed? Have you taken out the trash? All that good stuff. All right, then stuff. You know, all that stuff.

Nobody likes doing chores.

All that stuff. Okay. Then there stuff with the kids.

So this was stuff like, even, like, spending time with the kids. A lot of people are like, I have to nag my partner to, you know, play with the kids, put them to bed, entertain them. Even, like, stuff like researching reading parenting books, listening to podcasts, figuring out game plans for how you're going to navigate the next milestone. That kind of of thing.

Then another classic, spending too much time on your phone.

And this was something that in the responses, people were really complaining about their partner nagging them about this. Like, my partner is always on my case about being on my phone too much.

And then this is the classic story of, like, they're always nagging me about it, but then they're always on their phone. And so then you're just constantly fighting and probably nagging each other about it. Or maybe, you know, the person that gets nagged more often probably identifies the one or two things that they think where they think they have an in to be able to nag their partner to get back at them. And it's probably always the phone thing. All right, then we have money. So this could be like, oh, you spent $100 on that.

You didn't check in with me about that. Or, you know, we haven't sat down to look at the bills or the, you know, our budget or that kind of stuff. Money was a big one.

Yeah. Then we have scheduling. So, like, scheduling appointments for you for your partner, for the kids? Like, just. Yeah. What do we have on the schedule today? Like, why. Why are you watching TV? We gotta get to the dentist in 10 minutes or whatever it is. Or, you know, just kind of generally being late, like, not being on the schedule. And like, hey, aren't you aware of this? Like, how are you gonna be able to get out of the house in five minutes?

That's probably the thing I nag you about the most. Being on time.

Mm. Then we have relationship stuff and sex. So it could be like, hey, like, when are we gonna spend some time together? Like, oh, like, why are you doing this? We could be doing this. We could be doing that together. Or, you haven't had sex with me in 10 days.

Yeah, well, I think a lot of people are wanting their partner to be more invested in the relationship and put more of an active effort into it. So there's sort of a nagging about, like, yeah, I want us to. To be more invested in each other.

And then finally, health stuff. This could be all kinds of things, but, you know, classic examples like smoking, drinking, hygiene.

Yeah. People just generally wanting their partner to take better care of themselves and feeling like it's. It's like, on me to make sure my partner takes care of themselves because they would take terrible care of themselves without me, which is a lot of stress and pressure for one person to feel. We also ask people, what does nagging make you feel like? Like, when you're the one nagging. And what does being nagged make you feel like? I wanted to get into, like, the emotional feel of it. So people said that when they are the one doing the nagging, it made them feel. I pulled a couple of quotes that I thought were super interesting, like, I can't trust my partner to get things done. Trust was a big, big theme that came up, and we will circle back to it. Another person said, like a boss, not a partner. Like, I'm embodying all the stereotypes of women. It's kind of a little bit of what I referenced earlier. It hurts our emotional connection. And then words like frustrated, annoyed, resentful, and shrill.

None of these sound fun at all. There. Are there no positive impacts of nagging?

I sure don't think so.

No positive feelings? I feel powerful.

Said nobody ever. I feel powerful when I nag.

No, I feel powerful and needed. Necessary. I'm really scraping for possible things that you could be feeling. All right, so we've clearly established there are no positive emotional impacts or feelings that you get from nagging. But what does it feel like when you are the one being nagged? What we heard from people was, makes me feel like a child. And this one makes total sense because I think that in parent child relationships there is a lot of nagging because kids are not immediately good at just following direction and doing chores. I mean, this is something that you really have to learn. And I mean, honestly, probably a lot of these dynamics in adulthood come from dynamics in childhood where, like, you were nagged because you, like, didn't immediately learn to just do things or maybe you even pushed back against doing things. I mean, I know I have all kinds of stuff like this that comes up for me where I'm like, you know, it just reminds me of, like, ways that my mom used to nag me in ways that I would want to push back against that.

You know what I will say, I think our relationship does follow some of the stereotypical patterns of, like, obviously we're male, female. I would say I nag you more often than you nag me.

Yeah.

But the times that you nag me, I would venture a guess they feel worse than the times that I nag you. Like, I really resonate with this makes me feel like a child. Like, it brings up. It brings up a lot of shame when you nag me about something. I don't know if you feel that way when I nag you, but there's just. I don't know if it's because I usually nag you more often, if that's. If the two things are related. But I'm just sort of sitting with the. In the rare times that you do nag me, it's just this knife to the heart. Like, oh, he thinks I'm just this pathetic little child that he has to manage.

Oh, interesting. Yeah, I mean, honestly, I. I guess I don't in a way. Like, the first thing that came to mind for me was like, I feel like, like, I. I'm not even allowed to nag you. Oh, say more like, well, because you do it a bit. We don't. I don't. I wouldn't say we have a serious problem. We. I wouldn't say we have much of a problem with nagging. I think that probably the nagging in our relationship has decreased a lot. However, like, yeah, like you said, you. You nag me more than I nag you. And so I guess that there's sort of this, like, you know, this, like, oh, well, Vanessa is better at these kinds of things than I am. So, like, so it would, it would just be childish of Me to be, like, trying to. Trying to, like, one up you with the, like, oh, I noticed this. I noticed that you haven't done this. You haven't done that. And it's like, I'm not trying to play that game. I'm to be like, I'm trying to. I'm trying to show you that, like, I'm an adult by, like, not doing that. I guess. So. It sort of feels like, oh, I couldn't really do that. So I. Yeah, I do find myself being very careful when I'm noticing there's something that I might like you to do or, like, I'm curious if you've done, because I don't. I really don't want to be sounding like I'm doing it.

Yeah, we'll. We'll get into some of those. There's some very tricky dynamics that come up around it, but it's interesting to hear you say that.

Yeah.

Okay. Let's continue with some of the other responses.

All right. Makes me feel like my partner is my project manager, not my partner. And I imagine, along with this, probably kind of also feeling like, you know, if your partner is your project manager, it's like they're more concerned about the tasks or the projects and their status than they are about you in your relationship. Makes me feel embarrassed or ashamed that I forgot.

That's more of what it. No, it is. It does make me feel like a child. But also this. Yeah, this embarrassment or shame. I feel like the times that I nag you about things, it's kind of that. It is that repetitive, like, hey, I've brought this up a few times type of thing. But when you nag me, it's that, like, it's the one. It's like one reminder that I've forgotten. I don't know. Yeah. For some reason, I feel like to even have to get one reminder about something makes me feel so bad.

Well, I mean, I didn't know that you feel so bad about it.

I honestly didn't either until we started recording this.

Interesting. I mean, I wonder.

I have some theories, actually, which we're going to talk about in a couple of sec. I keep, like, catching myself wanting to jump ahead and talk about that.

I mean, let's do it. I mean, let's do it. It's right here. I mean, I think I. I wonder if you feel like you're not. You're not allowed to forget things like that. Your role in our family, in our relationship or whatever. Just your role as a woman, whatever it is that you're not allowed to forget anything that you have to that your value and your job is having those things.

Let's screw the order of things that we thought we were gonna discuss, and let's just jump right into it. When we were thinking about this episode, the original idea that I had in mind, it was a sentence. I was like, when is it naggin? And when is it your partner just not being an adult? Like I was saying earlier, the stereotype of nagging is it's the woman always doing it. She's so shrill. She is such a nag. And the poor partner, like, this laid back, chill, dude, like, just having to live with his nagging partner. And I was just thinking about how this overlaps with mental load. So in male female relationships, research has shown that the vast majority of mental load falls on the woman's shoulders. And if you've never heard us talk about mental load, definitely go back and listen to episode four, one of the OG episodes where we talk about what mental load is and how it shows up in your relationship. But it's basically the invisible mental labor that goes into running a household and a family. So it's not just the chores themselves, but it's also like anticipating needs, brainstorming possible solutions, deciding on a solution, taking action on that, making sure that the action is worked, reevaluating. Was that the correct thing? So, for example, like, it's not just doing the laundry. It's having to anticipate, like, okay, you know, Timmy needs his soccer uniform for practice on Tuesday, and I have to remember not to wash this shirt with this other shirt because the colors bled together. And this shirt needs to be air dried. And, you know, Sarah is allergic to the laundry detergent, so I have to stop using that one and find a new one. You know, all those little details, and it's just so much mental energy that for a, you know, very long time, we've never recognized. So women, we have all this pressure on ourselves to, like, be the household manager, to carry all this weight to make sure things run smoothly. And I think a lot of us feel like we have to nag because otherwise nothing would get done. And that's where the, like, is it just your partner not being an adult part comes into it of, like, if we all had partners who were carrying their fair share, who could be trusted to do their tasks and follow through and do them properly, like, we wouldn't need to keep doing all those reminders. And that's why I think you and I, like, we don't really have very much nagging in our relationship anymore. Because we really dove into the topic of mental load a long time ago and, like, came up with a specific plan of how are we going to divide up that mental load in our relationship.

Yeah, I mean, we took it upon ourselves to really, you know, to. To split things up and then to be able to take pride in what we are doing and, like, do a good job at it. Because I think the other part of it that comes up too, is there's also, like, that weaponized incompetence.

Oh, yeah.

Piece too, where it's like, I feel like in a way you can get into this dynamic if you know that your partner has a preference for how to do something and that no matter how you do it, they're always going to have a different way that they would like to. To do it. Or what you do is never going to be enough. I mean, you might even be, like, unintentionally setting yourself up to get nagged, because the more nagged you get, eventually your partner wears down and just does it themselves.

Yeah. Ironically, nagging can create a dynamic where more and more nagging is needed. Like, if you're the partner being nagged, sometimes you can just not even consciously, but it's sort of this, like, oh, well, my partner will remind me. Or like, they'll tell me what needs to get done, or, you know, if it's really important, they'll give me that reminder. And so it can really snowball to this point where one partner's hardly doing anything or even crossing the line into weaponized incompetence, which is basically pretending you don't know how to do something or pretending you're not very good at it so that your partner will do it.

Or just, like, never intend or like, never actually getting good at it because you know that your partner will kind of pick up the slack if you're not very good at it.

Yeah, the classic line is like, oh, but you're just so much better at that than I am. We also have a separate episode about weaponized incompetence, so you can scroll back and listen to that one as well. I wanted to read this quote that someone sent in because I think this encapsulates what we're talking about really well. This woman wrote, if you don't nag, then they usually don't listen. We hate doing it, but also don't want to be stuck doing everything ourselves. I once stopped nagging for two weeks just to see what would happen. And my house looked like an episode of Hoarders.

So was the lesson from that person that nagging was the only way to. To get things done?

Yep. Which is a horrible outcome, a horrible lesson to learn. And I think mental load is the reason why reminding turns into nagging. I think so many of us women are feeling so overwhelmed by everything that we're carrying, everything that we're keeping track of. That, that overwhelm comes out in our tone. It's what makes us frustrated in the moment and makes us annoyed and irritated. Makes us feel like the only way to get the things done that we want to get done is by nagging.

So it's almost like there's a passive aggressive undertone of like, I'm pissed about this. I'm pissed about this other thing. I'm pissed about this mental load. And so I'm going to take it out on you with my tone about these little reminders rather than addressing the bigger issue.

I think sometimes it's pissed and sometimes it's just so fucking overwhelmed you don't know what to do. You know, it's. It's just exhaustion.

Yeah, sorry. I'm not trying to say that you're like, outwardly pissed or you're like stewing your head like, oh, God, this mental load. I'm so upset. But I think it's, it's, you know, deep down that's what's coming up for you is like, you know, there's part of you that maybe you can't put words to it, but you're like, oh, like something doesn't feel fair, something doesn't feel right about this.

I think that the anger lies beneath. Anger is usually a deeper emotion for a lot of us. It takes, it takes a bit more to access. I think what's on the surface is pure and utter overwhelm and exhaustion. Because when I think about the times that I nag, it's all about the tone. And it's like, it's this, this high tone that comes out and I can feel myself not breathing. And I think that's. That's the symptom of the thing. It's like I'm so overwhelmed and overloaded and there's so much going on that I can't even breathe. And so it's this really high pitch, like, babe, we're gonna be late again kind of tone that comes out.

So what? What? It's just like when I hear that. What if it. When I hear that then. Because you've told me now, it's like you're not breathing. What If I go, babe, just breathe.

Ooh. No. I would lose it if you said that.

Wow. Okay.

I mean, you're onto something there. Like, this is one of the tips that we're going to share. Babe, wait. Stop. Nag.

Babe, you're not breathing.

I would die in that moment. I'd be so annoyed.

I will meet your nag and raise you another one. A deeper, worse one.

I also want to talk a little bit about the overlap between nagging and micromanaging. So you were sort of starting to reference this a minute ago, that as women, we're really socialized to believe that so much of our value lies in our homemaking abilities. I think we've talked before on the podcast about even dumb things like folding the towels. Like, there's no reason why towels need to be folded in a certain way. Like, they're going in the closet. Nobody's seeing them. Who cares? Do they even need to be folded?

Wow. Wait, are we. Can I, like, record this?

No.

So I can play this back for you later.

Logically, that makes sense, but in reality, like, I take a weird amount of pride in folding the towels the right way. We actually had an employee who was just talking about, like, she struggles to, you know, she doesn't know which way to fold towels. And is there even a right way? And I was like, there is a right way. Single fold, and then triple fold, and then you put them in the closet so that the nice side is facing outwards. And. And I. I often think about stuff like this. I'm like, why do I care? Why does it matter? Is it actually some little part of my brain that's really satisfied by seeing things, like, nicely neat and lined up.

And all of that, or it definitely is. You love organizing things. And, like, our drawers, you have all these nice, like, drawer organizer things.

I know I got all this little acrylic and the bins, but.

And I love it. I love it, too. I love the outcome.

I don't think that's really who I am. I think that's how I've been socialized to behave. That, like, oh, I'm a woman. I'm supposed to keep a nice, clean, tidy house. And now I have all these Instagram influencers and YouTube videos and stuff showing me all the ways I can take it to the next level. There is some part of it that genuinely does feel, like, kind of cute and fun, but I think the majority of it is just straight up socialization.

Well, I will say I really appreciate the outcome of all that organization. I love opening Our drawers and things are super nicely organized. And I do really try my best to, like, keep things organized in those drawers. Though I do know that yesterday I picked the towels from the wrong pile in the linen.

You did? Yeah. I have a sister.

There's no. There's no sign, by the way, that says this is the right pile. Like, I was like, don't you know you have to take the towels from the left hand pile? And I was like, no, I don't. I don't know. Why would I know that?

Where do you take the towels from?

I just took them from whichever.

No, no, but I told you yesterday.

The system I'm supposed to take. Wait, I'm supposed to take it from the left.

Where on the left?

Top left.

Okay, there you go.

Because of what I learned is that.

She wrote towel rotating.

She wants them to rotate so that we use the towels equally so we don't have, like, two ratty towels and a bunch of new ones.

But this is a perfect example with this, you know, this way of getting everything done in exactly the right way and having it so neat. We have created a monster. Really high. Yeah. Yeah, we have created a monster. Because now it's not just things need to get done, which that in and of itself, that's a lot. Being an adult. There's a lot of hard stuff that you just have to do to be an adult. But now we've gone to the next level with there's a specific way that every single thing needs to get done. And so if you're not doing the thing in that specific way, it makes it so much easier for me to cross the line into nagging. Like, I think I was okay with my tone with you about the towels, but there was definitely, like, an irritation that came up to me internally where I was like, hey, grab the towels from the right, not from the left. It's the wrong system. So it's just like, it's ratcheted the potential for irritation and annoyance up so much higher. But what I'm saying is this is unfair to everybody. It's unfair to me that I have this internal pressure that it's not just like, hey, yeah, make sure you've got clean towels so you're clean when you get out of the shower. Now it's like the towels, they have to be folded in the right way and put in the closet in the right way. And if you don't know the exact right way that I want it to be done, then I'm going to get annoyed with you. Like, it's not fair to me, and it's not fair to you.

Oh, yeah, because I. I don't think. I honestly, I don't think anyone ever told me what the goal of the towels was and that which way it was.

That's not true. I think I have told you, like, one other time before, but that first time you would get the pass for, I probably did nag you of, like, you cook the towels from the wrong place, and you're like, well, I'm operating in this system where I'm. I'm, like, not living up to what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know what the rules are.

Yeah, well, also, I mean, the other thing about that is that you. You obviously came up with a strategy for this. There's no one right way. It could have been that you take the towels on the right. You take the towels on the bottom, even though that wouldn't make any sense. But, you know, it could be from the right whatever. It could be that, oh, I put half of them in another closet so that you don't touch them, and we use these, and then I rotate them or whatever. But, like, we could have come up with a strategy together that probably would have been a much better way for us to both remember, because it's like, it's hard to remember something when, you know, when Vanessa's tells me, oh, you got to do the towels like this. And I don't know what went into that decision for her or what went into, like, her deciding this is how it needs to be and why. And I don't know what all the downstream impacts are. Whereas if this had been something that we had strategized together of, like, oh, hey, I'm noticing that we are starting to get. Half of our towels are totally worn out and the other half aren't, like, what can we do about this? And then we both were like, okay, yeah, let's come up with a plan. Let's come up with, you know, a strategy that works for both of us. Then we would both be totally enrolled in that. But I was just. I was like, yeah, I mean, I was. I was being extra chill because you were saying that to me while your brother was sitting right next to me, and I was like, I'm not about to, Like, I'm not about to tell you how ridiculous this is in front of your brother. I was like, he can probably already hear ridiculous. This is like, I don't know. How would I know that there's just towels in there? I don't know, I opened. I don't know. Whichever. It's. We have, like, French doors that open to a linen closet. I was like, I don't know which door I open. I just opened a door, and if there was towels in front of me, I grabbed the towels because you asked me to grab two towels.

But see, like, it hurts my heart a little bit when you say it's ridiculous. And that's where I think the socialization comes in. It's like, I'm like, oh, but my nice little towel system, you know, and my system, that's just the way that I've been taught to see my own value. So I, you know, I say this because I want people. We're going to talk about how to stop nagging. Spoiler alert. It's a big conversation about mental load. I want people to have partnerships where the mental load feels like it's shared in a fair way.

Yeah.

And I also want people to recognize, are there ways that you're actually making it harder on yourself by having all these certain rules and ways that things need to get done? And sometimes we need to pick our battles a little bit and to really ask ourselves, is this really important? Why do I think it's important? Where in my life did I learn that I needed to prioritize this so much? Why does it hurt my little heart that you're saying that the towel system is ridiculous?

No, I don't think the towel system is ridiculous. And I now that I better understand the context, it makes a lot more sense. What felt ridiculous was that it took me. I had to ask, like, three to four questions to, like, roll it back to the point where you finally described the actual strategy behind it to me. At first, it was just like, why didn't you do it? And I was like, well, that's a ridiculous question. I don't know. There's no answer because I don't even know what I did wrong.

Before we go any further, we want to tell you a little bit more about our podcast sponsors, because we love them and we love that they allow us to bring you pillow talks free of charge. So, first up, we are telling you a little bit about Oneskin. If you know me, you know that I am very serious about my skincare. So I was really excited to hear about Oneskin. This company was. Was founded by four PhDs dedicated to skin longevity, and they really wanted to prove that you don't need a complicated routine to achieve better skin. They make topical supplements that make it easy to help your skin stay younger and Healthier without all of the extra steps. Like, who has not seen one of those TikTok videos with like my 12 step skincare routine? Like, who has the time for this, right? So as is the case with any of our potential podcast sponsors, I insisted on trying the product first. I wanted to make sure it was something that I could get behind and support. And so when the One Skin package got delivered to us, I was looking through all the brochures and information that they sent along with it and was really impressed by all of the research, all of the science that has gone into formulating these products. So these are not like fluffy, like, oh, it just smells good but does nothing for you. Products like these are very serious products created by some very serious smart people to do some absolute heavy lifting. One Skin is more than skincare. It's about skin longevity, targeting the root causes of aging to help you look and feel your best at every age. Get started today with 15% off by going to Oneskin Co and using code pillow. That's 15% off at OneSkin Co with Code Pillow. After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. So please support Pillow Talks and tell them that we sent you. It's time to expect more from your skincare routine. Invest in the health of your skin with One Skin. Okay, so let me geek out on you for a second with some of the science here. So they have an in house cutting edge R and D platform and they were able to measure the efficacy of age reversal molecules in their lab. So they stained skin samples in the lab for senescent cells and analyzed changes to the skin's genetic data before and after exposure to the OS1 peptide. And their scientists found that this OS1 pept reverses skin's biological age by reducing the number of senescent cells by up to 50%. And next, let's tell you about Cozy Earth. So I'm recording this while I am sitting in my Cozy Earth sheets. I've got the sheets, pillowcases, the duvet covers, and Xander and I are just absolutely obsessed with Cozy Earth. These sheets are so soft I cannot tell you they come right out of the packaging soft, but trust me on this, wash them like five or six times and it is just next level softness. Cozy Earth offers the most luxurious and responsibly sourced bedding in the world. They're ethically sourced using premium viscose from highly sustainable bamboo. The bedding is naturally temperature regulating and breathable so you can sleep more comfortably all year round. Believe me, I get so excited to get into my bed at the end of the day because it's just so freaking soft. I really know that you are going to love your Cozy Earth sheets, but they also have an incredible 100 night sleep trial. So you have 100 nights to sleep on them. You can wash them, try them out. If you are not completely in love, you can return them within 100 days for a full refund. And on top of that, all of their products also include a 10 year warranty. Again, defects. So whether it's their luxury bedding, ultra comfortable loungewear, plush bath towels and more, get cozier with Cozy Earth. If you've never tried Cozy Earth, I've got awesome news. You can save up to 35% off Cozy Earth right now. Go to cozyearth.com and enter our promo code Pillow Talks at checkout for up to 35% off your first order. That's cozyearth.com promo code PILLOW Talks. Okay, let's go back though, to another topic that we wanted to talk about. We asked our Instagram audience, what is something you don't consider to be nagging, but your partner does, or something that your partner doesn't consider to be nagging, but you do? Like, I wanted to know more about these, these gray areas. So here's one. Commenting on how I'm doing something over instructing, offering corrections, snarky comments about how I did it. Xander, does this count as nagging to you?

I have discovered. I. I think I've discovered where, where I do my nagging of you. Yes, it is backseat cooking.

Yep.

But also other. Just certain household things be like, oh, like, why are, you know, do it that way. Spatial relations, things.

Oh, I'm not gonna.

I noticed that you're doing something in a questionable, confusing way. And I'm like, wait, hold on. I think there's a really easy way to solve this problem.

Yeah. No, actually, that's a great example. You. I just, I have my own way of moving about in the world. I think because I'm a visionary, I don't conform to the rules of the world. I do things the way I want to do them.

And like, sometimes that's a small person. You. I think maybe you have like the, a bit of a complex where you think that maybe you're a really large person and you just, you just kind.

Of go into things so I can just kind of weasel my way.

Yeah, but sometimes, sometimes you also just like flail around and.

But I think I, I think I have a nice relationship with, you know, sometimes I try something and it doesn't work. And I'm like, that's fine. Okay, fine. I learned the lesson, and I'll do it the other way now. But Xander hates watching me do it in my own way. Yeah, you're like, no, don't do it that way. Do it this way. That's.

And.

And that is why it brings up, like, feelings of shame for me. It's like, oh, man, he thinks I'm an idiot. And I'm like, I'm actually having fun and play in being playful. Of like, no, I want to, like, do this my own fun little way. And I. Yeah, maybe it won't work out, but then I'll do it a different way.

I mean, it's probably also. This probably gets back to, like, I don't know, early on in elementary school when you're. When, you know, like, you start to kind of make that pivot from, like, you know, I don't know. I don't remember much of kindergarten, first grade, all second grade, all that stuff. But, like, you know, early on, you're doing basically a lot of play, and that play starts to get more and more directed towards, like, accomplishing tasks and learning things. And I think at a certain point, you start to. You start to get more into. No, okay, like, you're doing these math problems. Like, this is how you need to do them. Like, no, like, you know, you. You can't do them that way. You have to do them this way. And I feel like, you know, I feel like I have memories just early on in school of, like, you know, sort of, like, thinking, like, wanting to do something creatively or thinking that I have a good approach or doing something. And the teacher's like, nope, that's not right. It's got to be this way.

Interesting. Okay. Another example was asking for a task to be completed and then expecting them to get it done immediately. Does that count as nagging? I guess it depends on the task. Like, is it something that genuinely needs to be done immediately?

I feel like you asked me. I feel like I get. I. Maybe you and I need better terminology or, like, language to use around this because I. I noticed that I will, like, often. I feel like often you will make a request of me to do something where. Like, where it seems, like, logically there's no reason why that thing needs to be done right then. But, like, you obviously did ask me right then. You didn't ask me later. It's like, you will sometimes ask me to do things at times where it makes very little Sense to me why you would possibly be asking me to do that, given that, like, it seems counterproductive to do it then. And in fact, like, asking me later would make a lot more sense. And where I get confused, then I'm like, wait, is she trying to ask me at a time when I'm super concentrated on something else and I have a low likelihood of remembering, or she want me to stop everything that I'm doing and do that right now?

Well, I think sometimes what. What comes up with that is a lack of trust, and that's not what. What comes up in our specific examples. But I think because I do have a trust in you, and that trust has increased a lot over the years, that when you say you'll do something, you actually will. But I think a lot of people don't have that trust. And we've had seasons of our relationship where I didn't have that trust.

Yeah.

And so I think that's. That's where the intensity comes across, is like, I need you to do it now because I need to make sure that you're gonna do it, because otherwise it won't get done. I don't trust that it'll get done at all. Okay. There's also reminding me to do things that have nothing to do with him. Like reminding me about my own doctor's appointment, telling me to set my alarm for the morning. So I read this one, and I thought, like, does this guy think that he's being kind? Like, he thinks that he's being a supportive partner? Like, hey, I'm your teammate. I'm just reminding you of these things. But it's bringing up shame or annoyance, clearly.

Like, for the.

The. I believe it was a woman who sent this in.

Yeah. I mean, I guess what I'm curious about this one is the person in this example who's doing the asking of, like, oh, you know, or don't. Do you remember your doctor's appointment today? Like, do they think. Yeah. Do they think that they are doing them a solid, or do they think that their partner won't remember? Are they worried about them? Like, isn't it. Is it an anxiety thing? Is it a lack of trust thing? Or is it that they think that they're helping them out somehow?

This is another one that would come down to the delivery for me, but also a great conversation to have with your partner to just say, like, hey. And I would. In this kind of situation, I would give your partner the benefit of the doubt, and I would say something like, hey, I really appreciate that. You're looking out for me and trying to remind me about my appointments and alarm and all of that. I'm good. So actually, like, you don't need to take mental space in your own brain to give me these reminders.

Yeah. Or I would just make a clear.

Request of, like, please don't do this anymore.

Yeah. I mean, or you could even be like, you know, hey, you know, because, like, you know, I'm like, I manage my own. I'm managing my own schedule, and I, you know, sometimes I'm making adjustments to that schedule that maybe you don't even see, like, reflected in my calendar. So, like, what you're reminding me about is not even always that accurate.

And the last one that we got was asking my partner to put their phone down and connect with me. Does that count as nagging? Obviously, this is really one that boils down to the tone and the delivery of it. But I think that this particular example is so triggering to us because we all know that we need to be better about our phones.

Yes.

We all know that we're on our phones too much, and we all have had experience of being annoyed at our partner for being on their phone too much. So I think when your partner, even if they say it in a nice way, when they ask you to put your phone down, it's so easy for us to get defensive and go to like, but you're always on your phone or, don't tell me what to do. You know, you feel shame about being on your phone or you want to lash out and put it on them instead. But I think overall, it's a totally fine thing to do to ask your partner to spend some quality phone free time with you.

But then again, it's all in the delivery of that. If it's like, put that down and connect with me.

Is that your nagging tone?

No, but, like, I don't know. I see. I'm so out of practice. I'm so out of practice with this.

I'm not that out of practice. Well, not with this down.

Yeah.

Can you put that away? You've been on that for hours.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, even regardless of the nagging part, it's like, if what you're trying to do is connect with your partner, it's like, you can. Yeah, you can go into the nagging territory of like, oh, God, like, put that thing. Put that thing away. Where it's. You're not actually giving the context of, like, why you want them to put it away or what your look like, what your need or what your want is or what you're trying to get, like, what the feeling you're trying to get with your partner is. You can go that direction. You could also go the, like, making it all about you. Like, oh, I need you to connect with me. Or you can go in the third direction, which I think is the healthier one of, like, trying to enroll your partner in doing something nice together. Like, hey, like, you know, would you be open to us spending the next 30 minutes together and talking about this thing or looking at that thing or watching the show together without our phones just clearly stating what it is that you want? Like, the outcome that you want that is beyond just the phone. I think often we focus on, like. Like the means rather than the end. Like, put that phone away. That phone's getting in the way. But it's like, you don't. You don't actually want your partner to just put the phone down like you want something else.

Yeah.

So say the thing that you want. Because if you're your partner could then be like, all right, I'll put the phone down. And then just sit there silently. And, like, that's not what you. Like, you would be unhappy with that too. Right. So, like. Like, think about what it is you actually want.

Okay, so let's transition next into how to stop nagging. I kind of spoiled it earlier. I had to. But the single best thing you can do to stop nagging is to have a clear plan for how you're going to share mental load in your relationship. So who's doing what? How's it being done? What are the guidelines around how it needs to be done? What are the responsibilities? Like a very clear plan that everybody knows and is in agreement with and feels equitable.

Yeah, I think that's. That's the really important part is it's not like a dictated plan. Like, Vanessa comes up with a plan and tells, okay, here's what you're gonna do. That's like a very. You know, that's like a parent coming to a child being like, all right.

You gotta do it.

These are your responsibilities. This is something that you need to do together. Because I keep using the word enrollment. But, like, the enrollment part of it is so important. Both partners need to be equally invested in this thing and both on board with it and both like, yeah, like, yes, I want to be doing these things because you are going to be doing these things. And, yeah, I mean, it's a separate issue if one of you is like, I don't want to be doing any of These things, like, that's something else that you got to deal with. But ultimately, in a good partnership, both partners should want things to run smoothly around the house. And so therefore, you should want to lay things out and be like, hey, let's make sure this feels fair. Let's make sure we're playing to our strengths, et cetera.

Yeah, I think it's really important to assign items based on personal priorities and preferences. So if you hate a messy bedroom and your partner hates when the kitchen is just totally wild, like, maybe bedroom tasks are yours, kitchen tasks are your partner's. And also play to your strengths. Like, if you're naturally very good at organizing and your partner is naturally very good at cleaning, or like, you enjoy a certain chore, your partner enjoys a certain chore. Like, play to your strengths with your plan, too.

And then here's the real key. It's not just about splitting this up and being like, all right, you have these, and I have these. Because this is where. If you just do that part of it, this is where the nagging can come in, is that it's like, okay, well, last week we talked about what all Vanessa's tasks are, and now, you know, that was on Saturday, and now it is Thursday, and I haven't seen any of their tasks get done. Done. So now I want to start asking, when is this going to happen? Have you. Have you done this? And that's where you start to get into that nagging territory. So what you do instead is you also assign clear deadlines that are logical and make sense. Like, you know, when it. What is reasonable or, you know, something needs. Oh, this needs to be done on Tuesday. Because on Wednesday, we do the other thing that depends on that or whatever. But you also include the deadlines when you were splitting things up, and you make sure that everyone is on board with and aware of what those deadlines are.

Timelines.

Yeah, timelines or deadlines so that you. So that you don't ever have to be like, oh, I wonder if they are going to do this now. It's like, oh, yeah, it's Tuesday, and on Tuesdays, we do this. Oh, okay. Like, if you don't see them doing it on Tuesday, then sure, you can ask about it. But, like, you know, I think it's important to try to try to stay away from these. Like, okay, yeah, this thing needs to get done anytime in the next two weeks because that's just, like, going to open the door to, like, one partner is going to remember that more, and the other partner is not and then like the more remembering partner is going to be starting to nag or question about it.

And if you want help with this, we have a mental load workbook. We'll put the link for it in the show notes. It really walks you through exactly how to come up with the plan. Our next tips are to have patience for each other. I think it is so important to remember nobody wants to nag. Nobody enjoys nagging. I know it feels really frustrating when you're experiencing it in the moment, but just being able to take that step back and recognizing like we're human, none of us always remembers to do things the first time. It really goes a long way to have a little bit of grace with each other. Especially if you see your partner really trying and participating in this with you. The next tip is to figure out your triggers. I think it's very easy for us to blame nagging on specific chores like, oh, it's just so annoying that the trash is always left until the last minute to take out. But I believe that we nag more often because of an emotion than because of a specific item. I think it's an emotion that we are struggling to manage on our own. So I think getting to know ourselves a little bit better and figure out like, what is that thing that comes up for us. I think that's why recording this episode has been really interesting for me of identifying like, oh yeah, there's like a weird shame, a very strong shame that comes up. So getting curious, figuring out what those emotions are and figuring out when are you more likely to feel triggered by these types of things. That kind of self knowledge can be really beneficial.

And I think it's also really important to have an open conversation with each other about nagging. Like, rather than it just being like, oh, this is something I need to work on on my own and cut out and like kind of like secretly manipulate the situation. So I get my partner to be doing more things responsibly. So I don't need to do this. Just talk about it and, and it's so valuable. Like we talked about what you all told us, what it feels like to nag and what it feels like to be nagged. And you can have that same conversation with your partner, like, say, hey, like what does it feel like for you to receive? Or what does it feel like for you to give and vice versa. I think that can be so helpful for you to both understand that this isn't something that either of you want because I think it is easy to get into a dynamic Where. Where the person receiving the nagging after a while might even think that the person who nags, like, is enjoying it or getting off on it. And it's like, you gotta kind of break down. Like, how are you actually feeling about this? Okay, none of us actually want this. So you can also ask each other in this conversation, I do wanna know. Like, I don't wanna be nagging you, however, like, I do want to know how I. Or we could ask each other about a certain task without putting the other person on the defensive. So kind of brainstorming, like, what approach would you prefer? Like, how would you like me to phrase that question? Like, oh, I'm just curious about this. Or, I just wanted to check in about X, Y and Z. Like, how can you say that in a way that's not immediately going to put you on the defensive? And then finally, the other part of that conversation can be asking each other, like, okay, so if one of us does feel like the other one is nagging, what's a gentle way that. That I could ask you to rephrase or change your tone without putting you on the defensive? So this way, both. Both parties, sort of like the nagger and the naggy, have the tools that they need for, like, okay, I know how I can check in on something without kind of triggering my partner. And my partner also knows how they can check in on me if they feel like I am nagging them or using a tone that doesn't feel good. They know how to ask what's going on? Or ask for a change.

And finally, let's talk about navigating it in the moment. So, you know, I talked a little bit about the triggers that can come up, the times that we're more susceptible to nag than others. So when you feel yourself having the impulse to nag, see if you can catch yourself in the moment. And it's not going to be easy. You're not always going to be able to do this, but anytime that you can, it can be so beneficial. So take a deep breath. Coming from someone who knows, my nagging comes from a place where I'm not breathing. Like, just see if you can take a deep breath. Try to make your tone as even and neutral as possible. You may even want to think about something completely different, like, think about a ham sandwich, like, while you're saying the thing, just so you can take the intensity out of your tone. I have found it really helpful in the moment to remind myself of all the things that Xander does remember to do. So sometimes when we Feel that desire to nag. It just feels like, oh, they never do anything. I can never trust them. They're always forgetting this stuff. So I try to balance it out in the moment and think to myself, like, and if I can come up with specific examples, that's the most helpful. Like, hey, let me remember this time that Xander actually took the trash out ahead of time, or he unloaded the dishwasher even though it was my turn, or whatever it is. But just reminding yourself, like, this is not always what happens. I also sometimes will remind myself of the things that I forget to do. Because when you're wanting to nag, it's very easy to feel like I'm always in the right and my partner's always in the wrong. So I will remind myself, like, ah, Xander had to remind me to do this thing yesterday. Or I totally forgot to call and make that appointment, even though it seemed very obvious and I had it on my calendar, whatever it is. So it, again, it's just all about, like, kind of evening out your perspective in the moment. And then most importantly, I would ask yourself, like, is this a sign that I need to have a larger conversation with my partner, that we need to talk about the mental load, that we need to talk about my overwhelm, that we need to talk about, like, being a real team with each other? Any relationship is going to have some amount of nagging. You're never going to completely get rid of it.

It.

But that mental load piece of it really is so central. So don't torture yourself by having all these individual instances of nagging. Like, dig a little bit deeper and ask yourself, do we need to have a larger conversation about how we're sharing responsibilities? All right, well, that wraps up our episode on nagging. We would love if you shared this episode with your partner or with a friend. You can share it on Instagram. You can text people a link. You can send it in a handwritten note through carrier pigeon, you know, however you like.

Very efficient.

But it really helps the podcast when you share the episodes and introduce it to new people. So we'd love for you to help the other people in your life figure out how to navigate nagging. Because nobody likes it, we don't like doing it, we don't like receiving it. So let's all contribute to a world where there's less nagging.

Yeah, we all need some help. All right, well, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we start to uncover your biggest fantasies. Oh, Mr. Stretcheroo. Did you see him?

Yeah, I did.

Oh, my God. That was a huge stretch. Chauncey, come on the bed.

He just wants to be on out sunning himself and you're denying him his chance to sun himself.

Okay, I'm sorry about that. It's. We haven't had sun for so long. I forgot.

I told you he was really happy out there.

Oh, poor God. I will never do that again. Man, I feel like a dick.

Get him in here. That's what you nagged me about? Get him in here.