EPISODE 149: Partner Having Penis Performance Problems? Here’s What To Do - And What Not To Do

I'm supposed to be the initiator. I'm supposed to get hard immediately and stay rock hard the entire time. I'm supposed to last the perfect amount of time, like not too short, not too long. It really is this intensity of feeling like, you know, every aspect of these interactions are my responsibility. I have to make sure it's good. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Thanks to zocdoc for supporting Pillow Talks. Zocdoc is the only free app that lets you find and book doctors who are patient reviewed, take your insurance, are available when you need them, and treat almost every condition under the sun. Go to Zocdoc.com pillow and download the Zocdoc app to sign up for free and book a top rated doctor. I think we've all been here before. You're in the moment with your partner. Things are starting to get hot and heavy.

I like where this is going.

And one of you just is not showing up to the party. Oh, and that one is the penis.

That one is the penis. Wow, you really sugarcoated that one. One of you. I'm not going to name names. It's the penis.

The penis just does not want to join the party. Not getting hard, not responding. We don't know what happened to it, but it's just not joining along.

He's taking a nap.

He's taking a nap. He can't be roused. Or maybe he got up and then he decided to go back down for a nap. Nobody knows what happened to him.

Or he's not coming back. Or he got really excited, he got started, and then he kept going and kept going. And then it's like there's no end in sight.

Or he got too excited too quickly and blew the surprise.

Yeah. Wow. These metaphors. These metaphors are doing metaphors a little bit.

So what we're talking about today are penis performance issues, especially if you are not the owner of the penis. Because likely what's going on in your head is you're wondering if, is it me?

What did I do?

What did I do? Was I not sexy enough? Was I not turning my partner on enough? Am I not attractive enough? And I think I can speak especially for women here. We tend to go to some pretty dark places in our heads thinking that it's our fault. It's a sign of something. And it can feel really upsetting, which, spoiler alert, only makes your partner feel so much worse. So today we're really unpacking these very complicated dynamics that come up and how to be a supportive partner to somebody who is having performance issues. All right, so let's get into the episode, and I think first, what we need to do is define what are we talking about when we're talking about penis performance issues. So first, what I want to say is we actually don't really love the word performance. Like, sex should not be performative. It's not a performance that you're giving.

Yeah, I mean, we. We tell women and vulva owners all the time, like, it's not about giving a performance. It's funny because, yeah, we talk to women so often about this, and, you know, this is. Can be such an issue of having performative sex. And then on the flip side, we talk about men having performance problems. Interesting language.

Yeah. So that being said, like, we are obviously using that word. We often find ourselves in a bit of a tricky situation because there are so many words that we don't love using. Like, foreplay is another great one. You know, we have our ultimate foreplay guides, but literally on the first page of the guides, it says, we don't like the word foreplay because it. It like, has this insinuation that these are the things you do before intercourse or like, intercourse is the main act. These are just like the foreplay, the things you don't really need to type of thing, when the reality is that you are so much more likely to make a woman orgasm with foreplay than you are with intercourse. Lots of people don't have intercourse. Like, foreplay can be the main course. So performance is the same sort of thing. Like, we use that word because that's the word that people understand and they get. But we like to give this disclaimer that look like sex should not be a performance for anybody. So let's talk about what performance issues actually are. We're talking about four things here. Erectile difficulties, which is the inability to get or maintain an erection. So actually, that's like a little two in one special there. We're also talking about early ejaculation, like orgasming quickly. And the interesting thing about early ejaculation is there's not really any set definition. Like, there's no sex therapist standards.

You're like, oh, if it's five seconds, it's early ejaculation, but if it's six seconds, you just came fast.

Yeah. So typically, as a sex therapist, like, when I work with clients, what I talk about is, like, them just feeling like they don't have control over their orgasm. Like, it's just happening quickly. They're not able to slow it down at all.

Then we're also talking about delayed ejaculation, which is when you take a particularly long time to reach orgasm. So again, there is no benchmark for this kind of, like, early ejaculation. So just like early ejaculation is like, it feels like you're not in control of how fast you come or you're just coming much faster than you really would like to. Delayed ejaculation is the same. It is taking you a lot longer than you would like it to. When it feels like, okay, now would be a good time to do it, and then you struggle to be able to do it, and maybe you even need a lot more time or a lot more stimulation. And then finally, inability to orgasm at all. So delayed ejaculation would be like, you can do it. It just takes a long time or takes some extra or whatever it is. Inability to orgasm would just be, you know, you're trying. You are not able to get there regardless of what you do or how long you do it.

So we turned to our trusty Instagram community, and we are over at Vanessa and Zander, if you're not already following us. But we asked people, if your partner has a penis, what did you do the last time they had a performance issue? And here are some of the responses that we got. We just stopped. I became irritable and asked him to hurry up.

I cried, I rolled over and went to bed. I didn't do anything to help him, and I didn't know what to say.

And we also asked, how did you feel when your partner had a performance issue? And here are some of the responses. Disappointed and sad. Angry. General insecurity. Feeling like, I'm not pretty enough, he doesn't want me. I'm not good at sexual.

I get embarrassed for both of us. I felt guilty, like I did something wrong or it's my fault.

So I just want to say I have done pretty much all of the things on this list, like, with various partners who experience various performance issues. And I think what it really speaks to. You know, I can speak to the female perspective here. Like, we are so hardwired to blame ourselves for things and to worry that we're not pretty enough, sexy enough, hot enough, thin enough, all the things. Like, it just brings up a lot of dark thoughts for us. And it's so easy to make it about us in those moments and feel like, yeah, this is a reflection of me. And then because we feel all of that, you know, we're judging ourselves, we're beating ourselves up. It's also very easy to, like, project that out into your partner and get upset. And, like, you get irritable, ask your partner to hurry up, get out of bed, turn over in a huff, all this kind of stuff. So if you're listening to this list and you're like, oh, crap, I've done a lot of these things, too. I get it. I've been there myself. And obviously we're making this episode to talk about better ways to handle it. But I want to send it over to you, Xander, as a man, seeing this list of very common responses and knowing that you've experienced a lot of them on your own, what is it like for you as a man, to have a performance issue and to get a response like this?

Oh, it's so hard because I also. I. Men in general, we have also been conditioned to, you know, it rap not. It's not like we've been conditioned to make it feel like. Make it all about us, but we have been conditioned to feel like sex is our responsibility. Being hard is like the measure of a man. Like, your ability to perform in bed is. Is really like, who you are sexually. And when something is not going to plan or not going. Your body is not doing what you want it to do, it can feel really confronting. It can feel really emasculating. It can feel really embarrassing. And so, you know, I know for me, in moments where I have been struggling with this, it's like, you know, I'm aware of all these things going on and. And I am really, you know, I'm sort of battling between, like, do I let myself get into these. These feelings that are coming up for me? Do I try to set those aside and focus on sort of getting the job done or try to, you know, clear my mind and focus on my partner and focus on sex and focus on my body? And I think where it gets really hard is that then if there's also this other emotional reaction coming up from your partner, it just feels like a lot. It feels like kind of too much you know, it feels like too much to be able to, like, okay, I don't think I can bring it back around or, you know, get back into my body and, you know, with, you know, on the one hand, these emotions that are coming up for me, and then all of these emotions that are coming up for my partner, it just feels kind of like, hopeless. Like, oh, God, what am I gonna do now? And, like, what is my partner gonna think of me? You know, I'm already judging myself. How am I gonna feel better about myself after this? It's tough.

Well, I wanna, like, back up for a second and talk a little bit more about the reality behind performance issues. Like, the reality here is that all men are going to experience performance issues at one point or another, and all penis owners are going to experience them at one point or another. You're probably going to experience all four of the things we talked about, at least 1, 2, 3, you know, but it's just very normal. Like, our bodies are not machines. We're not robots. We don't perform perfectly every single time. Like, performance issues just are a part of having a sex life. And like Xander mentioned a second ago, like, men are under a lot of pressure to perform when it comes to sex. And I think this is something that we women do not understand very well. Like, I think a lot of us women, we think of sex as being this very easy thing for men. Like, oh, they're just horny all the time. They just want it all the time. Like, it just feels so much more uncomplicated to us. And especially because a lot of us women are struggling with our own issues, ironically, like, struggling to orgasm, struggling to stay present in the moment to feel pleasure. You know, we think of male sexuality as just being so easy and simple and uncomplicated. And it's not, you know.

Yeah, I mean, like, maybe sometimes it is. Like, I'm not. I'm like, we're not trying to say, like, oh, my God, every single time a man has sex, it's really, really hard. It's not.

I think sometimes it's not hard and that's the problem.

But, yeah, you know, oftentimes, many times, very frequently, it is pretty easy. But then when one of these things comes up, then all of a sudden it's like, oh, my God, this is. This is really hard. Or maybe even impossible.

I think a lot of us women just don't fully understand the pressures that men feel when it comes to sex. Like, when I talk to men, they tell me things like, you know, I Feel like I'm supposed to be the initiator. I'm supposed to get hard immediately and stay rock hard the entire time. I'm supposed to last the perfect amount of time, like not too short, not too long. It really is this intensity of feeling like, you know, every aspect of these interactions are my responsibility. I have to make sure it's good. And it's just a, it's a lot, it's really a lot to deal with. It's not this overly simplistic like, view that a lot of us women have.

All right, so now that we understand what some of those pressures or those like internalized expectations are, it's a lot easier to explain or describe how, how these erectile or orgasmic issues develop in the first place because the reality is they follow a pretty predictable pattern. So that is that the guy has an issue getting hard or ejaculating too quickly. Like he has one of those issues one time. Because the reality is these things just happen to us randomly. Often they are impacted by, you know, whatever else is going on in our life. We're feeling really stressed about something, we're, you know, dealing with some other issue, whatever. You have an issue one time and then that doubt immediately starts to creep in. That doubt and that anxiety, you know, the guy feels like, hey, you know, I wasn't able to, you know, meet the expectations of me as a man having sex. I wasn't able to perform. Like, what does that say about me? You're having all these doubts, you're having all these anxieties, and then pretty soon it starts to become a self fulfilling prophecy. So the next time you go to have sex, you start thinking, huh, I remember what happened last time. That was awful. Okay, this can't happen this time, right? Can't happen, can't happen, is not okay. And all of a sudden, instead of thinking about sex, being there with your partner, being with your own body, you are thinking about what happened last time. And you are thinking about the feelings that came up for you last time. Probably the unresolved or unprocessed feelings that came up for you last time. And the more you stress about that issue occurring, the more likely that is to occur in the moment. So and often is like one kind of leads into the other. So okay, maybe you orgasm a little too quickly the first time. So then the next time you're thinking about it and you're like, oh God, I can't do that, can't do that. So maybe you even like get hard, you start having sex and Then all of a sudden you lose your erection in the middle of sex because you're thinking about that, you're thinking about those feelings, or maybe you're so focused on, like, not coming too fast that all of a sudden you are, it's 10 minutes have gone by, 20 minutes have gone by, and all of a sudden you're like, God, I'm just going and going. But now it like, doesn't really feel good anymore and I'm struggling to even feel like I can get close to an orgasm. And so often these issues just kind of ping pong around. Like, you have so focused on not wanting to replicate that one that then another one comes up and then all of a sudden that's all you can think about.

And that's why, as the partner, if you have one of those bad reactions that we just read a few minutes ago, it's going to make it so much more likely for your partner to have a performance issue the next time around because you're just adding to that stress, that anxiety. So now your partner's is not only thinking like, oh, shoot, that happened in my body last time. It's also remembering, oh, my partner freaked out and cried and got up and, you know, got up in a huff. So it just, it adds to the anxiety, the stress and the pressure. So we need to learn better ways of navigating those moments. Because like we said, performance issues are just part of having a sex life. They're just going to be there. So we need to figure out what to do in the moment instead. And again, like, I understand that inclination. Like I said, like, I, you know, it's tough to admit, but like, I have had all of those reactions before, so I get it. I understand, like, the fears that can come up for us. And now, having learned better tools and techniques in the moment, what to do, how to manage my own feelings, like, I can see how I contributed to the problem and made it so much worse. Before we go any further, we want to tell you a little bit more about our podcast sponsors because we love them and we really appreciate that they let us bring pillow talks to you absolutely free of charge. First up, we want to tell you about zocdoc. We all know there are things in life that you have to compromise on, but when it comes to your health, there should be no compromises. So please do not go back to that doctor who uses your appointment to rearrange all their medical supplies just because they're available right now, or they take your slightly sketchy insurance instead. Check out ZocDoc, the place where you can find and book doctors who will make you feel comfortable, listen to you, and then prioritize your health. And you can search by location, availability and insurance. So literally no compromises here because with ZocDoc you've got more options than you know. ZocDoc is a free app where you can search and compare highly rated in network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Once you find the doctor you want, you can book immediately. No more waiting on hold with a receptionist. All the doctors have verified reviews from actual real patients. They are top reviewed credible doctors and specialists. You can filter for ones that take your insurance, are located near you, and treat any condition you're searching for. The typical wait time to see a doctor book on Zocdoc is between 24 to 72 hours. That's it. And sometimes you can even score same day appointments. Go to zocdoc.compillow and download the Zocdoc app for free. Then find and book a top rated doctor today. That's z o c-o c.com pillow zocdoc.com pillow so let's talk about how to actually be a supportive partner when your partner is expanding. Experiencing Performance issues so our first tip is to have some empathy. So we turned again to our Instagram community and we said, if you have a penis, what thoughts or feelings do you have in the moment when you have a performance issue?

I feel ashamed, embarrassed. I feel betrayed by my own body. It immediately kills my mood. I worry about making my partner feel bad. I don't want her to think that it has anything to do with her. I feel like I'm letting down my partner. I get disappointed or frustrated. I get pissed off. I get so worried about it happening again that it makes sex feel less appealing to me.

So if you're a partner to somebody with a penis, I recommend going back and listening to that list again because that really is going to help you tap into a sense of empathy. Like, these are really sad reactions, right? Like to hear that your partner feels betrayed by their own body, that they're like so worried about it happening and they feel shame. Like, I think it helps us recognize, like, this is a really tough thing that our partner is going through. And here's the really ironic thing about performance issues, especially in male female relationships. As women, we have had plenty of our own experiences of feeling like we're not in control of our body or our body's not doing what we want it to do. So it's not like a performance issue is some totally foreign thing to us. Like, we've been there before. There's an opportunity there to connect with your partner over what it feels like. To feel like your body is frustrating you. Like, you can really sympathize with each other and connect with each other over it, rather than it being this thing that creates awkwardness, tension, drives you apart. And so that flows really nicely into our second tip, which is don't take it personally. Like, seriously, if there's one thing you can walk away from this episode with, it's an understanding that performance issues are not about you. In my entire career of being a sex therapist, working with so many men who have performance issues, I can honestly say I've not once heard a man say, I couldn't get hard because my partner wasn't sexy enough or wasn't thin enough or didn't have big enough boobs.

Or they did, like, they did something weird and it turned me off.

It's just not about you. And again, I can say that, like, having been on the other side, really feeling in the past like, it was about me, it had to have been about me. But it really and truly is not about you. And like we've been saying, like, when you make it about you, it puts so much more pressure on your partner, because now not only is your partner worried about their own body trying to get it to cooperate to perform, now they're also having to worry about, like, proving to you that you are attractive and sexy and beautiful and all of the things.

And so how do you want to prove that? You want to prove that with your body? You want to prove that sexually by getting hard and staying hard. And so it just creates this whole cycle back again where it reinforces to him all those, you know, all those expectations that aren't helpful, like, okay, well, God, you know, she really took that personally. I really have to show her now. And the only way I can show her that it's not about her is to do it right. And then the moment that is in your head and you're thinking about that when you're starting to have sex or in the middle of sex, I better do this right. I better do this right. Like, you're not going to have very good sex, and you are most likely not going to do it right. I'm putting do it right in huge air quotes because there is no, like, there's no one way to do it right. But it's like, yeah, the moment you start thinking about, like, don't do Something so much more likely that that thing is gonna happen.

So, look, you are allowed to have feelings come up. If you do feel embarrassed or insecure or awkward, like, that's totally understandable. But it's your responsibility to manage those feelings yourself. Don't take them out on your partner. Don't, like, put that additional pressure on your partner when now they have to prove everything to you. Like, navigate those feelings on your own and recognize, like, you are sexy, beautiful, desirable, all the things.

Yeah, I think that this one is easier said than done. I just want to validate that. Like, it is much easier to, you know, to kind of rationally come to this understanding of, okay, right now, in a neutral moment when I'm not having sex, I have empathy for my partner, and I can understand that it is not about me. And of course, in the moment, it's gonna feel like more charged is gonna feel you're gonna be more likely to have that reaction and not have that rational part of your brain kick in. But I think the importance is just recognizing, okay, this is something that I am likely to do. This is. And so, you know, you try to recognize that as quickly as you can, and, you know, have some patience with yourself. You know, you're. You're probably not going to be perfect. And so it's more about realizing, okay, yeah, I did that thing. I kind of. I took. I took it personally. I made it about me. So, you know, let me acknowledge that to my partner and let me apologize as soon as I can. That's how we make progress. It's not about, oh, okay, now that you know this, you're just never going to do it again, because that's not realistic either.

I think another important thing to do is to recognize that you both want the same thing. Like, you both want to be having sex and connecting and having pleasure and orgasms and all the things like, yep. I think for a lot of people, it's easy to slip into feeling like opponents in those moments. Like, ugh, like, why isn't he hard? Or why is he taking so long to come? Or why did he come so quickly? Like, it's just very easy to. To get into that mode. But it's a really unhelpful mode, and it's just not true either. Like, unless your partner is a complete jerk, which. In which case, why are you having sex with them? But, you know, your partner, like, wants to have a good experience, and they want you to have a good experience. So I think sometimes just reminding yourself that in the moment of, like, hey, we're on the same team here. Because that's what sex really should be, a team effort. Like, the two of you feeling like, yeah, we work together to make sure that we have the right environment for sex, that we are both experiencing pleasure and connection, that we navigate any challenges that come up. I mean, I think this is a classic example of a golden rule type of scenario. Like, how would you want your partner to respond if you were the one who was struggling with your body?

Yeah, I think, you know, in my experience, the times where we have really felt like true teammates in it together, in those moments when this has happened, those have been the moments that felt the best and the moments where, you know, we were able to get through. Through it the quickest, because the reality is, like, your body is much more likely to respond in the way that you want it to. When you feel calm, like, emotionally regulated and feeling like a teammate with your partner, feeling like they care about you, they're not upset. They're there for you. You know, I. I think, like, you can, you know, you can't say, all right, we're never going to have performance issues again, but you can get through these things very quickly. If you guys are on the same team and you guys are aware of any reactions that you might be predisposed to have, and, you know, try your best to not have those reactions to take a moment to, you know, instead of just immediately reacting, think about, okay, what might. This. This is probably what's coming up for me. All right. Yeah, this isn't serving me. I'm going to try to set this aside. Let's just try to be teammates and get through this together.

So let's talk about what to do practically in the moment. Like, you're there, things are happening, but your partner's not getting hard or they lost their erection or whatever it is, what do we do in those moments to navigate them? So we have a bunch of different suggestions, and obviously, some are going to apply to certain specific kinds of performance issues, but not to others. But one thing that you can do is just suggest a different activity. So this is a really good one. If your partner is, like, struggling to get hard or has lost their erection. And it can also work if your partner orgasmed quickly. So suggest a different activity. You could say something like, how about you touch me or go down on me or use a toy on me? So if this is your partner struggling to get or maintain their erection, a great thing about redirecting in this way is that you're going to build Their confidence, they're going to be able to see, oh, I'm bringing my partner a lot of pleasure with my hands, with my mouth, with a toy. And that's going to make them feel good. Because in the moment, so many penis owners, like, they worry that the only way to bring you pleasure is with their penis.

Yeah, we can get very, we can get very like focused single mindedly on that. And it's like, I have been guilty of this so much in the past and honestly, still sometimes in the present this happens to me. It's just that single minded focus of like, my penis is the only way, the only way to do my job. It's the only way to get, you know, to give her the experience that she wants, that she expects, the experience that I want or that I expect. And I, you know, as enlightened as.

I think I am, like, you're calling yourself enlightened?

No, that, that's, that was a bad. As sexually enlightened as Xander is a pretty strong compliment. No, as, as far as I have come, I can still recognize that that happens to me. And I completely forgot that there are so many more options on the table. And so, you know, hopefully, you know, if you as a partner, you have empathy for what your partner's going through and have empathy for, ah, okay. He might be in this really single minded focus right now. He might not remember, as ridiculous as that sounds, he might not remember that he could use his hands on me, he could use his mouth on me, we could use a toy like that. There's so many more options. So just giving him that cue, that suggestion can be exactly what you need to kind of like snap him out of that single minded focus.

Yeah. And also if your partner ejaculates quickly, just a quick like, okay, use your hands on me, use your mouth on me. Like, that's gonna help them get over the anxiety or embarrassment of like, oh my God, I came so fast. And again, like, the reality that we talked about earlier in this episode is that you are so much more likely to make a woman orgasm with hands or with your mouth than you are with your penis. So this is also like not even a worst case scenario. It's like, okay, cool, let's just move on to the next thing. And another option for suggesting a different activity is you can just touch yourself. That could be really sexy for your partner to watch. So a great one if they're struggling with their erection. But it's also making sure that you're getting some good stimulation too.

Another option is that you can also give him some more attention, whether that is with your mouth or with your hands. Though I do want to say, like, this actually is not our first or like, immediate suggestion because this one can be a little bit tricky. And I can say that from experience. Experience. Because the reality is, is that if you start giving him a hand job or a blow job, he may actually feel more anxious because what can happen is he can go like, from, okay, like, I was trying to get hard. It's not happening. Oh, now she has to go down on me. Now she has to do something extra to me. And all of a sudden you're in your head. Like, it's almost like a stopwatch starts as soon as she starts doing that. And it's like, okay, how long has it been? Am I getting harder? Is it happening yet? Oh, God. She probably didn't want to be going down on me or she probably didn't want to be using her hand. Like, she wants this to be over by now. So here's how to make this actually work. So you got to pair that extra attention you're giving him with also telling him, like, hey, we have all the time in the world. Like, we're not in a rush. It's okay, like, I got you. It's trying to make it really clear to him that like, you are doing this because you love him, you care about him, you enjoy doing it. It's not like a remedial, like, oh God, you couldn't do it, so now you got a 30 second blowjob and you'd better be hard, right? So it's trying to just be really nice. Like, hey, like, let's just slow down, let's slow down together. I'm going to help you feel good, relax, like, everything is cool. And honestly, this is something I know for us, this is something that took a lot of repetitions for me to really get it. Like, it honestly, like, I want to say it took like years of me, like really struggling to internalize that. But now I really do get it. Like, hey, she, she likes to stimulate me whether it's with her hands or with her mouth. Like, it is okay. Like, I get, I get to. I deserve to lie back and enjoy this. Because the reality is the moment you are able to actually start enjoying it is the moment that you are going to get hard. And if you are in your head thinking about, like, oh, I got a, you know, a ticking clock, like, you're not going to enjoy it. So you got to do everything you can to try to make this space for your partner to enjoy it and you're going to have to repeat it a number of times and maybe even have some conversations outside of the bedroom to really reinforce that, hey, this is something that is enjoyable to you. It's important for you to help him feel good, to help him get hard. And there's not a ticking clock.

I think the way that you just described that there's, it's such a good insight for us women into what it's like for men. Like whenever we've talked about performance issues, the way that you talk about it sounds like it's something that happens for you like every single time. And I would say maybe a couple times a year, it'll take you like 60 seconds to get hard instead of immediately getting hard.

But those 60 seconds feel like 60 minutes.

That's what's so interesting. I know, like it's, it doesn't feel like anything to me. It's just like, oh, we're still like warming up. I'm still paying attention to you. Like, it's not a big deal. But I think that's how much men get into their heads of, oh, I'm immediately getting hard. Something's wrong. Oh my God. Oh my God, I'm so anxious. But yeah, like, like you were saying, like, you know, if your partner is struggling to get an erection or maintain their erection, what they need in that moment is some more stimulation and being able to turn their brain off a little bit. So it's like the energy with which you give them that attention as their partner is really important. I think if you're just going in there like, oh God, now I've got to get him hard and you're like giving him this half hearted or even resentful hand job, like your partner is going to notice that energy and it's going to set off the time, like the time ticking time bomb or whatever.

Like Xander said, I was very careful to not say ticking time bomb. I was, I was very tempted, I was very tempted to say that, but I was like, no, no, this is not a time bomb. We don't want to say that because it's not, it's not a time bomb.

The ticking clock that has no bomb attached to it. But yeah, but otherwise if it's like, you know, you actually enjoying it, enjoying bringing your partner pleasure, then that's going to help your part. And so like one, one phrase that I think I used was something like, I'm just gonna keep doing this. You can tell me when it stops feeling good. So it wasn't about, I'm waiting for you to get hard. That's the only reason I'm doing this. I reset the expectations. So, like, if it's not feeling good, then you can tell me to stop. But as long as it is feeling good, I'm gonna keep doing it. So that was. I think that was a really useful way to phrase it.

Yeah, and that's been super helpful. Cause no one's like, oh, yeah, this does feel good. And it also helps redirect your brain to, like. Like, I just said the. Oh, yes, I do feel that. That does feel good. Okay. Let me focus on the feeling of it rather than focusing on the like, oh, what I want to have happen in 20, 30 seconds or in two minutes or whatever. So the moment and the moment you really are all in on the feelings is the moment where your body starts working for you again.

And another option is just to take a little bit of a break. Like, sometimes you just need to take a break, even step away from it for a minute, just to kind of reset your brain and get back into the moment. So you could say something to your partner like, hey, it's not a big deal. Let's just make out for a little bit. Or if it's something like, you know, really struggling, like, maybe even get up out of bed and, like, let's just go grab some water, like, let's get a snack and come back to it kind of thing.

Yeah, we've done that. Where it's like, you know what? This just isn't really happening right now. Like, let's come back to this in an hour or two. And that's been really helpful, where it's like, if you can just be like, you kind of have to, you know, judge in the moment, like, especially as the guy, like, I've had situations where I'm like, I know this isn't going to happen, versus, like, you know what? I think I got some stuff going on in my head, and if I can just calm that down, then we're going to be good. So, you know, there have been times where I just been like, yeah, you know what? Right now, this just isn't happening. So let's just walk away, you know, no big deal, and then come back. And that's super helpful. But again, that really only works when you have that trust that it really isn't a big deal, that we're both cool with taking a break, walking away.

And we also want to encourage you to expand your definition of sex. I think, especially in male Female partnerships. The trap that we get into is over prioritizing intercourse, thinking of intercourse as the main event or the main thing. And of course, intercourse is the most stressful thing for a penis owner to perform. Like, all of the pressure of that experience is on their penis. So if we can expand our definition of sex and remember that there are so many other ways we can get each other off and help each other experience pleasure and connection, and that also, like, sex doesn't have to end the second that he orgasms, that there are things we can continue doing or, like, once we get to intercourse, that there is no returning back to the other things. Like, if we really just deprioritize intercourse, that's going to take the pressure down so much and make it so much more likely for both of you to have orgasms.

And our final tip is to get him some resources that are going to help. Now, look, the reality is penis performance issues. These are something that are happening in his body, and that means that ultimately he has to be the one to start addressing them himself. Like, you cannot do all the work for him. It's a really tricky position to be in as a partner. Right. Because you want to be able to help, and you also need your partner to want to help themselves and to want to take some action, too. So we were brainstorming as a team, like, how can we make this easier for you? And what we came up with is giving the modern man's guide for free when you buy our sexual mastery package, so that instead of it being like, oh, I got you this thing that, you know, you need to do in order to not have this issue, which.

Is just gonna make your partner feel so embarrassed and ashamed. Like, you have to do this. You're having problems, and you need to fix them.

Yeah. So instead of that, we were like, all right, why don't we just give an amazing, incredible deal on our sexual mastery package, which is, like, everything that both of you need to know in order to just be incredible in bed. In all the facets of bed. From all the facets of bed. All the facets of.

Wow.

Did I say of bed.

Yeah, you just put it on all.

The facets of sex. You know, like using your mouth.

Duvet covers.

Oh, God.

Mattress.

Yeah. You know, that's important, too.

That's our next package. All the facets of bed.

Oh, my God. No, but, like, maybe we should come.

Out with our own bedding line. I mean, yeah, we'll call it all the facets of bed, brought to you by Pillow Talks Great, Great.

All right, now you really threw me off here. But I mean, yeah, like, all the facets of being great in bed, using your hands, using your mouth, intercourse. But stuff. Using your mouth to say dirty things that are also really hot. In our Dirty Talk Guide, there's so much good stuff in there. Plus, for free, you're gonna get the Modern Man's Guide. So even if it's, like, not something that you're struggling with right now, it's like, you're gonna have this resource available to you whenever the need comes up.

Yeah. You're like, oh, I just. I got this package. It was 60% off. And that's what I love about it being, like, such a good deal, too. You're like, it was too good of a deal to pass up. I got this whole package.

Yeah. It was already a. The whole Modern Man's Guide even got put in there.

Yeah. But, you know, even in that way, it also makes it so much easier to get the other guides, too, because, let's be honest, like. But Stuff is one of our spiciest guides. A lot of people go, you know, they're very curious. We know you're curious, but you get a little nervous about the execution of it.

That's okay.

So when it's. Yeah. When it's a such a good deal like that, you're like, oh, yeah, I just couldn't pass up the deal. It wasn't about, like, anything in particular. And, oh, now we've got all this stuff for free and. Wow, interesting. Why don't we take a look at it? It just. It really makes the whole thing feel so much like zero anxiety. It just feels fun and exciting and, like, ooh, what did we get?

All right, well, that's all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we do another installment of the wildly popular smash or Pass. Sam.