EPISODE 156: What To Do When It’s Been A While… (The Dry Spell Episode)

Someone will kind of make a snide comment or a comment in passing about it's been a while and leave it there. That's where, like, all kinds of ideas start to grow of, like, you know, oh, is what. What was actually behind this? Is. Are they upset? Are they not upset? Like, what. What is going on? Whereas this doesn't leave a lot of room for interpretation.

Hello, and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Mar. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. What do you do when it's been a while? When you don't remember the last time you had sex? When the idea of initiating feels even more vulnerable and awkward than it usually does when you're not sure if your partner is missing it the same way you are? We have all been here before, but it feels really difficult to know what to do to get out of this fight. So in today's episode, we are telling you exactly how to get back on the horse.

Get back on that horse, baby.

Get back in the saddle.

Get back in the saddle on the horse.

To be clear, we're talking about having sex. Nothing about horse riding over here.

No. But first, we are going to get on this review of the week. How do you like that transition, babe? We getting on it? Should have listened sooner. I followed Vanessa and Xander on Instagram for years before listening to their podcast, and I wish I had started earlier. Yeah, don't make this mistake, though. If you're listening to this, you're not making this mistake.

But maybe you're making the mistake of not also following us on Instagram, which you definitely should.

That could be a mistake.

Vanessa and Xander, we are.

I feel like we have to. We have to post this review on Instagram so that people who are not listening don't make the same error that this person made for too long. All right, I made my way sorting through the episode list and listening to ones with topics that I've been curious on but just didn't want in my Google search history, and ones that I thought would make me laugh. And they literally do make me laugh out loud. As a woman, it has given me such validation that I'm not broken. I'm still trying to find ways to have some of these conversations with my partner and get him to listen too. But even just listening on my own, I have been able to have better orgasms because I'm more relaxed and not afraid of needing more time or feeling like I shouldn't have to touch myself during intercourse to get there. And I've gained confidence to try new things and mix it up. In bed last night I put on a sexy outfit and the look on his face and the amazing sex we had were worth the nervousness of trying something new. Hell yeah. 10 out of 10 would recommend the lingerie and the podcast.

Oh, thank you for this delightful review. If you have not heard us talk about reviews yet, they are so beneficial for the podcast. It helps us get in of new audiences, helps the podcast grow. So we really appreciate you taking 60 seconds of time to leave us a quick review. Here's how it works. If you've never left a review before. Because I will be honest, before I had my own podcast, I really didn't know the importance of reviews. I had never left one in my life. So here's how you do it. You go over to Apple Podcasts, find the main Pillow Talks page, scroll to the bottom, you'll see the review section there. Just take a few seconds to fill something out and then you will automatically be entered in our giveaway going forward every single week. Just automatically entered. So if you hear your review read on an episode, you can email us@infomtherapy.com and we will hook you up with a free prize. We'll give you one of our guides as our way of saying thank you for taking the time to support the podcast.

And while you're at it, smash that follow button. If you're on Spotify, hit the five stars and follow us as well. Those all those things help us so, so much.

All right, let's get into the episode. So first, let's talk a little bit about like, what is it that we're talking about here? So for some people, the idea of like, it's been a while, that might kick in after like a week. For other people, it might be a few months or even a year. But we polled our community on Instagram and 93% of people said that they have experienced some sort of dry spell. So we also asked after we heard that because like 93 is wild. That's pretty much everybody.

Yeah, I mean, then again, I think it's something that we all experience at some Point in time.

So as a follow up, we asked, what's the longest you've ever gone without sex?

24%. So basically a quarter said under a month, 43% said one to six months, 15% said six to 11 months, and 18% said over a year.

Now, even though this is so common, I mean, virtually every relationship has had some period of dry spell. I think it can still feel really scary when you're in the midst of it. Like that feeling of, I don't even remember how long it's been since the last time we had sex. You're, like, trying to replay the last few weeks or months in your mind. Like, wait, was it. It was like before that birthday party, but that was back in, like, February. You know, it's just it. It's a weird little game that you play in your head, and you start wondering, like, does my partner care? Have they noticed how long it's been? Or is it just me who's worried about this? You might take it personally. You know, I've had. I know I can speak for myself. Like, I've had periods of time where you haven't initiated for a while. And I start thinking, like, is it me? Is it something I'm doing or not doing?

Did I do something?

Yeah. Or you might wonder about the relationship. Like, is something wrong with our relationship? Are we not compatible? Is the spark gone? Is it ever going to come back?

Yeah. Is it just over?

So why does this happen in the first place? Why do we find ourselves falling into dry spells? So one of the main points that we want to leave you with in this episode is the recognition that dry spells are very normal and common. Like, just like everything in life, your sex life is going to go through ebbs and flows. And the tricky thing about sex in particular is that there are so many dynamics that affect whether or not you feel the desire for sex, whether you have the time, the space, the energy for sex. So there are a lot of things that can knock your sex life off course. So we turned to our Instagram community and we asked, what creates a dry spell for you? Like, what are the dynamics that get in the way of you having a regular sex life? And we got thousands of responses, and it was everything ranging from, like, kids, relationship issues, being long distance, mental health, bad initiation, stress, injury, illness, sexual trauma, performance anxiety, loss and grief, financial challenges, lack of time, lack of sleep. Like, there were so many different things that came up. So I think it's just really important to recognize, like, life is complicated. We're all dealing With a lot of stuff. And sometimes we think of our sex lives as something that happens just in a vacuum, that no matter what else is going on in our life, we should feel this wild, passionate, intense desire to have sex with each other. But that's just not the case. Like, if you're dealing with things that are, you know, affecting your life, if you're having difficulties trying to conceive, if you are arguing over the mental load, if you are, like, physically separated from each other, like, of course it's going to be difficult to have a regular sex life.

Yeah, I think so many of us just make this assumption that sex is like one of those just basic instincts. Like, that drive is always there, kind of like, you know, our. Our knee, our physical need for water, our need for food. But. But the reality is, is that, you know, that sex is a. Is a nice to have at the end of the day. Like, if you are in, you know, a dangerous situation, if you are super stressed, if you are, you know, any of these things that Vanessa just list listed out, like, sex is not at the top of the list. Whereas you still need to drink water in a challenging situation. You still need to eat in a challenging situation. But I think, like, the other way that I just thought of looking at it is that it's like, yeah, even, you know, when you are in a really. I don't know, I'm going to bring up, like, grief as an example. Like when you are in the middle of grieving, like, maybe if a family member died or something like that, even those base needs sometimes can feel a bit challenging. It could be like, God, I don't remember the last time I had a cup of water. Maybe I am really thirsty. Or like, I know I need to eat, but I'm just not hungry. And so if those instincts are like, you know, you really do need those to survive. And that can be challenging when you're in a tough situation. Imagine how much more challenging it is to feel that desire to have sex. So I think that we can give ourselves, you know, have some patience for ourselves when we're going through tough stuff.

Well, that also leads into another question that we often get asked, especially when we start talking about all these dynamics that can get in the way of sex. Like, sometimes people just, like, they let out this big sigh and it's like, okay, well, do we even need to have sex? Like, do we have to do this thing? And our answer is yes. So this is an interesting question for us because it's very rare that you will hear Us make definitive statements like this. I think you, Xander and I both appreciate nuance. We appreciate diversity. We know that not every relationship is the same. Not every person needs the exact same thing. So we don't like to make blanket statements about, like, what everyone should do. But I do think that sex is an integral part of a relationship. I think most of us have this tendency to think of sex as this purely physical act. We think about like, the orgasm or the release, but it's not. Like there is so much valuable stuff that comes along with sex. Like, it's emotional intimacy. It's a way to play play. It's a way to connect. It's a way to be truly present with each other, to be vulnerable with each other. So of course, like, you know, if both partners in the relationship are asexual, you don't need to have sex. And I'm not trying to give the advice of, like, just have sex. You have to force yourself to do it. Not at all. But I think the basic idea of like, is sex truly essential to a relationship? My answer would be yes.

Yeah, like, it is not essential that you have sex today. If you are going, yeah, like, in general, no, like, you don't need to have sex today, you don't need to have sex tomorrow. But over the long term, it is a, an essential part of a relationship. You know, it's, it's, you're not going to die if you don't have sex. Just like, you're not going to die if you don't have any friendship in your life or if you have no purpose in your life. But you are. You need things like friendship. You need things like, you know, a feeling of purpose in your life in order to, you know, have a reasonable standard of well being. I think, and I think sex is very much the same way. It's, you know, yeah, you could, you could get away with going a week or a month or a couple months without talking to any of your friends. But long term, you're really going to suffer if you're just like, oh, yeah, no, I don't feel like friendship. I don't need friendship. I'm just like, not going to engage at all with the world.

So let's talk a little bit about what not to do if it's been a while. The first thing, do not ignore it. This is one of the biggest mistakes that couples make. Like, it feels awkward and uncomfortable and we just want to bury our heads in the sand. And hey, I've been there before. Like, nobody's perfect about this. But ultimately, like, just trying to ignore it is not going to work. Like, your partner is going to be left feeling in the dark about what's going on. They're going to be asking themselves all of those scary questions. It's just not going to make anything any better. Another don't here is don't give into the inertia. Like, I always like to say, there's an inertia that comes into play with our sex lives. If you remember inertia from, like, high school, it's that whole concept of the object in motion stays in motion and object at rest stays at rest. I've really found it to be true that the more often you are having sex, like, the easier it feels to just keep having sex. But when you find yourself in a dry spell, it gets to the point where it starts to feel easier to keep not having sex. So that inertia really kicks in and it extends the dry spell longer and longer and longer. And it makes getting back into the saddle feel harder and harder and harder.

Yeah, like more. More and more awkward. I feel like this inertia and the awkwardness really go together where it's like, ooh, it's been a while. Ooh, this feels. Ooh, I don't want to say anything. This. Oh, God, I don't know. Like, are they not into me? God, this feels super awkward. And I, I feel like often when we feel awkwardness, what we want to do is be like, I don't want to confront it. I just want to it. It's like both things are. It's awkward to confront it, and it's awkward to continue doing what you're doing and not address it. But it somehow feels less awkward to. To do the. I'm just going to bury my head in the sand. I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing, which is not do anything. And the reality is that long term, that just gets more and more awkward. But it's. It's hard for us to recognize that. And so, yeah, it's kind of lean in. I've always found with awkwardness, if something feels awkward, it's better to lean into that initial feeling of awkwardness and nip it in the bud than kind of wait and kick the can down the road because it just feels worse and worse and worse over time. Also, another key one, don't expect it to fix itself. I think this kind of goes along with the inertia or the awkwardness being like, well, it feels really awkward to do something about it. So I'll just wait because like, maybe next week or maybe next month, it's just going to get better. I know I've fallen in this trap a ton. Early on in our relationship when we were going through, you know, a lot of kind of ups and downs with regards to dry spells for me, I was working really, really hard. I was like really focused on my career and I was really struggling with like saying no to things at work. And so I had it in my head like, oh, well, it's just I'm working like 60 hours a week. I just don't have time. You know, I'm getting home late every night. I just don't have time. But I know what's going to happen next month. After this one project I'm working on that has been keeping me the office really late every night, it's going to be over and then everything's going to get better. But here's the thing. I was doing really well at work and that project ended. I immediately got assigned a new project or maybe two new projects because I did too well on the first one. And I didn't know how to say no to any of that stuff. And so it was just like, you know, this thing that just kept going on and on. I kept kicking the can down the road and eventually I had to really confront the reality that this problem isn't going to fix itself. It is going to take some action on my part.

Yeah, I would actually say that that's a separate don't like, don't kick the can down the road or don't play like the, when X happens, then I'll deal with it. But I think there's also a, like, don't expect it to fix itself. Like a big thing that comes up for people is we've been socialized to believe that sex should happen spontaneously and naturally because that's always the way that we see it on TV and in the movies. So a lot of people, they get into that dry spell and there's this sort of feeling of like, oh well, like it'll just like spontaneously that desire will come back or spontaneously we'll start doing it again. And that does not happen. That is not really the way that sex works in long term relationships.

And finally, don't settle because the reality is you deserve an active and a satisfying sex life. We all do. And I think this, yeah, this goes back to like we all, unless you are, unless you are asexual and you're in a relationship with someone else who's asexual. We all deserve this and we all need this in order to feel happy and fulfilled. So please don't settle.

Now, let's talk about how do we start having sex again?

Back on the horse.

Back on the horse.

Back in the saddle. Are there any other metaphors that we have for sex? Back at it, back at it. Get on top.

Okay, our first suggestion is to get curious. So I listed out a huge list of potential reasons that you might be not having very much sex. So this is your opportunity to get curious and try to get a sense of, like, what do I think is currently getting in the way of intimacy in my relationship? Spoiler alert. You are going to need to talk to your partner about those underlying dynamics. So the first step is you trying to get a little bit curious yourself about what might be going on, come up with some hunches of your own. And it might not always be, like, super obvious, but I think it is important to just take that little bit of time to reflect on, like, what is. What's getting in our way here.

And I think that the important part here is, yeah, it's like, when you're being reflective with yourself, when you're trying to come up with those hunches, try to avoid those don'ts. Especially the, like, the, like, don't expect it to fix itself. And, like, don't kick the can down the road. Cause, like, I think it's so easy when you're like, okay, yeah, let me. Let me think through what it is. It's so tempting to find one or two things that you can point to as the culprit and be like, oh, well, it's that, like, it's that, like, that thing's fault. Like, it doesn't have anything to do with me. It doesn't have anything to do with us. Like, as soon as that, whatever that thing is, that job, that trip, that whatever, like, that kid, that activity, as soon as it's over, everything's going to go back to normal. But I think with that curiosity, it's like you needing to recognize, okay, yeah, there might be some things that are in the way. There might be some legitimate culprits. But, you know, let's not delude ourselves in thinking that just everything's going to go back to the way it used to be sometime in the past. There's always going to be things like this coming up. So how can I adjust my expectations? How can I. How can I adjust my schedule? Like, what can I do? What can I control? And, you know, and then. And then we Start talking about that rather than it just being like, it's been a while, and this is the problem. We can't do anything about it. About it. So you've gotten curious. You're thinking about it with yourself. You're developing a couple, you know, ideas of what might be getting in the way. Now it's time to pivot to your partner and actually acknowledge what is going on. And this is the big mistake that most people make. I was just referring to this a second ago, but it's not acknowledging it at all. It's. It's not getting curious at all, and then therefore, not ever acknowledging it. Just hoping it's going to get better. Burying your head in the sand, assuming that your partner already, like, feels the same way you do or knows what you know, which is like, oh, well, obviously we can't be having sex if X, Y, and Z. But that just doesn't work because, like, your partner can't read your mind. We already know it's not going to just get better on its own. Kicking the can down the road isn't going to work. The reality is that. And the reality is it's not going to change unless both of you actively start working on trying to fix it. And the only way you can do that, acknowledging it, that's the first step.

So we have a little script for you here because we know that these kinds of conversations can feel tricky. But I suggest saying something like, I know it's been a while since we've been intimate. I'm really missing you, and I want to get back to a place of being more connected.

I see. I really. What I really like about this is, in fact, the key. The first two words. I know. I think that that is so key versus saying, hey, babe, it's been a while. I think, at least for me, and I imagine a lot of other people feel this. If you just hear, hey, babe, it's been a while. It feels ambiguous as to, like, is blame being placed on one person? Or, like, should I now feel responsible for this? Are you saying, oh, well, it's been a while. Like, you got to do something about it. There's a gray area of vagueness with that. Versus, I know it's been a while. Like, you're not saying it's been a while and that's on me, but you are acknowledging, like, hey, I. Like, I know that this is what is going on. Rather than, like, feeling like maybe you're saying, like, I'm being accused of, like, hey, it's been a while. Why haven't you done anything?

So the point of what you're wanting to bring up with your partner is that you're focusing on the emotions. We're not talking about the length of the dry spell. And if you're feeling like just even mentioning that, like, it's been a while could feel too triggering to your partner, you could take that part of the sentence out entirely and say something like, I know we haven't been feeling very close lately, or, I know we haven't been spending a lot of time together lately. Again, you're wanting to help your partner recognize that this is about connection. It's not about hitting some magic number of sex that you feel like you're supposed to be having. And it's not saying that it's anybody's fault.

And I think the other thing that I love about it is that you are clearly stating your intention and your goal in that the, like, I'm really missing you. Like, I, you know, I miss you. I love you. I want to get back to a place where we're feeling more connected, because that's the other mistake I think a lot of people make is it's like someone will kind of make a snide comment or a comment in passing about it's been a while and leave it there. And that's where, like, all kinds of ideas start to grow of, like, you know, oh, is what. What was actually behind this is, are they upset? Are they not upset? Like, what. What is going on? Whereas this doesn't leave a lot of room for interpretation. It's just saying, hey, I miss you. Not like, it's been a while, like, wtf? And you're saying, I want to get to a place where we're feeling more connected. That's great.

So as part of that conversation, you're also going to need to talk about some of the underlying issues at play. So we have another script for you here. You can say something like, I've been reflecting on what might be preventing me from showing up as the partner I want to be to you. And here are some thoughts that I had. So Xander was kind of touching on this a few minutes ago, but what you're trying to do here is make it clear that you are taking responsibility for this as well. You're not blaming it on your partner, saying, this is all your fault. Like, and I found that when you start with yourself, like, I've been reflecting, I'm not showing up as the partner I want to be to you. Like, that helps lower your partner's defenses. And helps them feel more open to listening to you. So you can continue on in the conversation with something like, what do we think is getting in the way of us being as connected as we both want? How can we work on this together? So these kinds of questions are going to make the two of you feel like a team. You're going to make you feel like it's the two of you against the things that are getting in the way instead of the two of you against each other.

All right? So at this point, if it hasn't been a particularly long amount of time that you haven't had sex for, it might feel like totally fine for both of you to just jump right back to sex. And if that's the case, like, hell yeah, go for it. But if it has been longer or it feels like there's kind of deeper issues that are related to that dry spell. Our recommendation is focusing on some emotional connection first. Because your partner, one, they might be feeling like it doesn't feel super safe to have sex if you're feeling disconnected. So they might really need a baseline level of emotional connection. Or honestly, both of you might feel like you need a baseline level of emotional intimacy before you even consider having sex again. I think that that's also one a big blockage that people have to wanting to even acknowledge that they're in a dry spell. Because it's like, why would I want to acknowledge that we're in a dry spell when I don't even feel up to having sex in the first place? But I think this is the key, is that just acknowledging that you're in a dry spell doesn't mean that you have to have sex right? Then it can, you know, the conversation can quickly pivot to, hey, I think we need to rebuild some emotional intimacy. Let's talk about some things that we can do to start feeling better.

And we have another episode about this too. That's episode 38. You want connection, Your partner wants sex. Who comes first?

So another reason why you might want to suggest rebuilding some emotional connection or doing some emotional connection building activities is this can really help your partner recognize that you wanting to have sex is more about you wanting to be intimate with them. It's not just about getting off. So if this is the case for you and you want to rebuild some emotional intimacy, you want us focus on date nights, spending more quality time together, figuring out how you can carve out more time together, Maybe think about more communication, maybe texting, asking questions throughout the day, just figuring out how to have more threads of connection. And this is going to help, like, bring back that feeling that you used to have when you were first dating. That feeling of like thinking about your partner all the time, feeling so much more connected. So just trying to think back to, yeah, what was it like in the early days? What were the things that we were doing that helped us feel really connected? And I'm not saying you have to do all those things or at the same frequency that you used to, but start to think about, okay, what, you know, what are one or two things that we could bring back that is going to help us increase that level of connection a bit.

Another great thing to focus on is more non sexual touch. So what tends to happen for most couples when they're getting into a dry spell is they stop touching each other throughout the day too. Like even non sexual touch. And that can just lead to that feeling of it being even more awkward. Even harder to imagine, like reconnecting with each other. Because now it's not just like, we're not having sex now, it's, oh, we're not even touching each other at all. So bringing back more non sexual touch into the relationship is such a great way to bring that awkwardness down to like, lower the bar. And I think one particular thing to focus on is touching your partner for their sake rather than for your sake. And I think this is something that comes up a lot in male female relationships where us women can be really sensitive to being touched for the man's sake. And this is all about the bristle reaction too. So definitely make sure to go back and check out that episode if you haven't listened to it already. But a lot of us can feel very on guard and feel like, oh, you're reaching out to touch me just because you want, want something from me. And it's not about me, like bringing me pleasure or connecting with me. It's like you're doing it for yourself. So learning how to have that kind of touch, that's like, no, I'm touching you for you, with no expectation, with no obligation. Actually, we have an episode about that talks a lot about this too. That's episode 153, the Secret Foreplay technique you don't even know about. Okay, so I wanna stop here and give you a little sneaky option. So first I gotta be clear. We think that it's, it's impossible to have a great sex life without talking about it openly. That is one of our core beliefs. That being said, if you really, truly don't feel ready to talk to your partner about this dry spell just yet. So that's not never, but just yet.

Yet is the keyword.

You can do those last two steps that we talked about without telling your partner what you're doing. So working on rebuilding emotional intimacy, working on more non sexual touch. You're going to need to be consistent about those things for a while so that your partner learns to let their guard down and trust that you're not coming to them with ulterior motives. Like, they can really learn to trust. Like, oh, my partner's putting a lot of effort into reconnecting with me. So for some couples, in some circumstances, that might be a way to ease out of a dry spell.

But of course that is going to take longer than addressing it head on. So, you know, it's, you know, they're, they're pros.

Choose your adventure.

Yeah, your own adventure. Obviously, you know, the fastest, the fastest way from point A to point B is a straight line going right through it rather than taking a circuitous path. But you're welcome to try this if you want. Now your next step is going to be instead of trying to just jump straight back into the saddle. We typically like to advise people to try to take baby steps towards physical intimacy. So a lot of people think, oh, the only way to end the dry spell is like, we just have to have sex right now and like, boom, it's over. But that can feel like a lot. So it is totally fine to take your time. You don't need to jump straight into intercourse or whatever you consider your main event to be. I think it can be super fun and playful even to think about slowly introducing different elements of intimacy. It can even be like rounding the bases again. I know Vanessa and I have done that before for, in, in the past and it's actually been incredibly fun.

Yeah, we're like, let's just have a night that we're just using our hands on each other, we're just using our mouths on each other. It's like, it's just easing back into it, but also feels playful and exciting.

Yeah, it can be really playful and exciting to just, you know, do these activities that maybe you haven't spent a lot of time doing for a while, but you also kind of find yourself then in the midst of that being like, you know, your, your mind immediately jumps to like, oh, like, should we do the next thing? And then it can be kind of hot to be like, oh, no, we're not allowed. Like, oh, like we agreed, like, we're not gonna do that today or we're not gonna do that this week. And then it's like, gives you something to look forward to for next time or look forward to for next week, or however you wanna set that up. Ultimately, I think this is just such a great opportunity to reset your sex life and to take some of that emphasis off intercourse. If you've been listening to our podcast for a while, I feel like gonna. You're. You've probably heard us say over and over, like, intercourse does not need to be the be all, end all. It is very often not the be all, end all for most women. And so just having that reset, it can be such a great way to kind of rediscover the things that may actually work better for some of you in the relationship and at least to figure out, like, oh, should we take certain things that we find ourselves really enjoying and like, re emphasize those in our sex life as we bring more things in back into. Into the rotation.

So now let's talk about once you are finally feeling ready to have intercourse or whatever is your version of, like, the main event. Our main advice here is to lower the bar. So one of the main questions that we get asked is, like, well, how do we make that first time having sex with each other again in a while? Like, how do we make it not awkward? Hate to break it to you, it's gonna be awkward. There is no way to have it not feel awkward. This is not gonna be the best sex of your lives. So I think just recognizing that ahead of time, talking about it openly and, like, together, lowering expectations can make it so much better. So, like, Xander and I have had times where we're like, we just gotta do it. Like, we just need to do it.

Let's get it done.

Let's get it done. And we're, like, playful with each other about it. And it feels, you know, it feels lighthearted and silly, and it feels okay for both of us to talk about it in that way. But we really have, like, low expectations expectations for what it's gonna feel like. And we'll even be playful about it afterwards. We're like, okay, that, that was fast. It wasn't our most creative sex. It was, you know, high five, high five. We did it. Like, we got back into the saddle. So bottom line, like, this is not about forcing yourselves to have sex. You don't want to have. Like, the advice is not, like, just have sex. But we are trying to recognize, like, it's okay for it to be awkward and it's okay to, like, really lower the expectations. Of what that first time is gonna be like. And finally, let's wrap it up with our advice to keep talking about those underlying dynamics, the issues that got in the way of your sex life in the first place. They are not going to disappear on their own. They will create a new dry spell in the future. So you need a plan for keeping them at bay on an ongoing basis.

Yeah. I think the important thing is just an acceptance that, look, we can never get rid of all the possible situations that are going to come up through the course of our relationship and our life that could cause one or both of us to not want sex. Right? Like, there's just nothing. There's no way that we can structure our lives so that none of these things ever happen. So what that means is that we have to. We have to get better at the communication up front when we are confronted with these situations of like, hey, this is happening. I'm grieving, I'm really busy. We're dealing with some medical stuff with one of our kids or, you know, whatever. Fill in the blank with whatever situation is coming up, rather than being like, oh, God, this thing is happening and I'm so stressed, and my partner must. Must know exactly what's going on for me and must be on the exact same page as me that obviously sex is off the table. Like, no, we gotta talk about this upfront and be like, hey, this is happening right now. I know neither of us want this to be happening. I know that it's impacting the intimacy, the sex, the connection between us. Neither of us want this. But let's talk about, like, what our general feelings around, you know, not having sex are. Let's talk about what our expectations around sex are so that we don't get into a situation where we have mismatched expectations where one partner's thinking, oh, well, whatever's happening isn't that bad. We should for sure still be having sex. And the other partner's like, hell, no, we're not having sex when X, Y or Z is happening. Right? So it's just talking about this up front and continuing to have that conversation throughout. Throughout your relationship, throughout whatever challenging situation is going on. I think that's the other mistake a lot of people make is they'll have one conversation of, hey, you know what? Let's just say sex is not on the table right now because whatever, X, Y or Z is happening right now. And then they go, great, cool. I never have to talk about that again. But you do have to talk about it because you know how do you decide when that situation is over? Like, if you're going through grief, you're going through stress or whatever, that can impact both partners differently. And one partner could be totally ready sooner than another partner. So keep revisiting that conversation, talking about how you're both feeling, how what kind of connection you're feeling, what your goals are, what you're open to, what you're not open to. And that's going to go so far to shortening the period of these dry spells and keeping you more connected because these are vulnerable conversations. And vulnerability creates connection, which also generally creates more openness for physical intimacy. So this is just like a virtuous cycle that if you get into this habit, you're going to feel so much closer and you're going to shorten the time that these potential dry spells could could occur.

All right, well, that wraps up our episode on what to do when it's been a while. We want to encourage you to join our email list so you can stay up to date on all of our exciting deals, product launches, and new podcast episodes. Our email list is seriously the number one way to make sure you're not missing out on anything. So you can head on over to vmtherapy.com subscribe subscribe to join and we will also put that link in the show notes, but it's vmtherapy.com subscribe.

All right, well, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we take you on a double date with us for round two of Know Yaboo. Sam.