EPISODE 164: Why You Need To Flirt In Your Relationship And How To Do It

That is going to feel so much more attractive and appealing and exciting to you because it feels novel. Not only is it a different person, where naturally there is the novelty there, but it's also like, ooh, you're giving me something that I am not getting from my partner. Hello, and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs of our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Zander, did you know before looking at the note that we have in our notes for this episode, but before that, did you know that 80% of people in long term relationships say they wish their partner would flirt with them more?

I know that now, but honestly, I'm not really that surprised. I think that flirtation really fades quickly in long term relationships. I think we associate flirting with something that we do to kind of like get a relationship. Not even in a relationship. Like, you use it to get somebody's attention for the first time, maybe even to get a first date on a first date. And it's like once you start dating for real, you don't need to flirt anymore.

There's that. I mean, we're gonna get into reasons why people don't flirt, but I also think, like, the majority of us feel like we don't know how to flirt and it feels kind of awkward. It feels cheesy. Maybe we don't really know what our partner will actually like. But again, the bottom line is that the vast majority of us want more of it. So we decided to do a whole episode all about flirting and teach you how to flirt with your partner.

Let's do it. All right, but before we do it, we're going to get into this week's review of the week and quick caveat. My recovery from this mouth surgery is going pretty well, but I still get a little caught up saying certain words.

So first date?

Yeah, like, first date. I mean, this is way better than where we were at last week when we were recording. I think my tongue is still getting used to kind of bumping into this device that's inside my mouth, and it's not going to go away for a while. So I got to get used to it. I'm definitely making some progress, but it ain't perfect yet. I found Pillow Talks back in early 2023 and immediately binged a bunch of earlier episodes. My husband and I had been married for less than two years and each episode sparked such a great conversation as we navigated merging families, getting more comfortable talking about intimacy ran into mismatched sex drives. So helpful to have a name for this and deconstructing our internalized shame around sex. I'm always so happy when Thursday rolls around with a new episode. Vanessa and Xander simultaneously feel like a warm hug from an old friend and your cool therapist who tells you how it thank you both for all that you do.

Thank you for this delightful review. Seriously, it makes us feel really good to read these reviews, but the primary reason that we ask you to leave them is because it's the best way to help the podcast grow. The more reviews you have for a podcast, the more likely Spotify and Apple are to feature your podcast. Get you in front of new people. And we are really on a mission, you guys. We want to transform so many relationships and so we need your help getting Pillow Talks in front of more people. So we really, really appreciate you taking 60 seconds to head on over to the main Pillow Talks page on Apple Podcasts. If you scroll down to the bottom, you'll see the review section there and you can just leave us a quick review. It takes like 60 seconds. And what we do as a little way of saying thank you for taking that time is we do this giveaway with the reviews every single week. So if you hear your review read in an episode, you can email us@infomtherapy.com and we have a prize for you. So thank you again for your support. While you're there, just go ahead like hit the follow button if you're not on Apple Podcasts. If you're on Spotify, you can leave like a star rating on Spotify. Subscribe, Follow. Like all the little things, it literally takes two seconds just to tap that little not even two seconds, a split second to tap that little Follow or Subscribe button. But it really makes such a big difference. Okay, so let's talk about flirting. As always, we turn to our trusty Instagram audience to gather a little bit more information about flirting. So I already mentioned that 80% of people say that they wish their partner would flirt with them more. Interestingly though, 51% of people say that they don't flirt with their long term partner. So we all want our partner to do it more. But we are not doing the thing that we want more of.

Oh, yeah. And so then a lot of those 80%, it's not like I want more. It's like I want any at all.

Yeah. And 61% of our audience feels like they're bad at flirting, So, I mean, that's pretty understandable. Like, if you feel like you're bad at something.

Yeah.

Why are you not gonna want to do it? Right. There's. So there's actually a little 10% gap there of people. 10% of people feel like they're bad at it, but still doing it anyway.

Good for you.

We salute you.

Good for you.

Okay, we're gonna get that number up higher, though. More people actually doing the flirting, and. And we're gonna, like, let's bring that other number down. People who feel like they're bad at it. Like, we want to give you some confidence in your flirting techniques.

Yeah. I mean, I'm not surprised also that so many people say that they think they're bad at it, because I think flirting is kind of like dirty talk. It's one of those things where we have this idea in our head about what flirting is, and we feel like, well, it's like this extreme version that I see portrayed in rom coms and stuff. And, like, that's not me. That's not who I am. And so since I don't identify with that, like, I can't be associated at all with this idea of flirting.

Yeah. I mean, you're kind of skipping ahead into our next section that we wanted to talk about, which is like, why don't most of us flirt? So I already mentioned, you know, the 61% of us that feel like we're bad at it. So of course, makes sense that we're not doing it if we feel like we're bad at it. You are mentioning kind of the. Like, it feels cheesy, or a lot of us feel like there's this one right way that we're supposed to be doing it. And it's like, for some people, it's either, well, well, that's not me, so I don't want to do that, or it's like, oh, the whole thing just feels kind of cringy because we only see these kind of cringy examples, to be honest, on TV and in the movies.

Yeah. I mean, like I said, it's similar to the dirty talk. I think it's also similar to romance. Haven't we done. We did an episode all about, like, bringing more romance into your relationship. And I Think that's very similar. People have these stereotypes of what being romantic is, and if you don't feel like you fall into that category, it's so easy to really, like, divorce yourself from that idea. And it's like, oh, no, I am just not that kind of person. When in reality, there are so many things that can be romantic. There's so many things that can be flirting. There's so many things that can be dirty talk. We don't need to confine ourselves to these really narrow definitions that don't feel authentic to us and then kind of throw the baby out with the bathwater and be like, oh, yeah, no, I just don't do that.

Also, you mentioned, like, right at the beginning of the episode another reason a lot of us have it in our heads that flirting is something that we only do at the beginning of a relationship. Like, you win your partner over, you get their attention with flirting, and then it's like, oh, yeah, like, well, now we're in a relationship. I don't need to flirt anymore.

Yeah. I mean, this is such a. That kind of mindset ends up. I feel like it ends up applying to so many things in a relationship. And so if you find yourself falling into that trap, because, like, seriously, it's a relationship mindset trap, I would say this idea that, like, once you've won your partner over, once you've locked it down, once you're serious, once you're moved in, once you're married, whatever it is, that all of a sudden you don't need to put in the work anymore. You don't need to do anything. It's like, you know, it's like, oh, I, like, I got trapped my partner, and we're together now, and they can't leave me. And now I get to, like, go back to just, like, lazing around and not doing anything.

Yeah.

And, you know, yeah, it can. That can come up for romance. It can come up for sex. It can come up for fun flirting and come up for date night. It can come up for so many things of, like, oh, I don't need to do that anymore.

I think we've made this comparison before, but it's like getting a new job and you put all this effort into the interview process of, like, oh, yeah, I'm like, I'm prepping all my interview questions. I have my best responses. The questions that I'm gonna ask them at the end of it.

Oh, yeah, you're so on top of it.

Yeah, you're so on top of it. You really impress Them, they're like, we want to give you the job. And then it's like, you get to your first day of work, and you're just like, well, got the job. Don't need to do anything else now. I'm just gonna kick my feet up, not do any work. Like, we would never do that. You would expect, like, yeah, if I put all this effort in to get the job, and then I do no work once I have the job, you would expect that you would be fired. So why do we not expect that if we do that in relationships, get.

Fired from being my husband.

You're fired. You're fired. You're fired from being my husband.

That could be like, a new approach for us. Be like, you know what? Screw breaking up. Just fire their ass. You're fired. Get out of my house. You're fired.

Okay, here's another reason why we don't flirt in relationships. Maybe you've tried flirting and you don't get a good response back from your partner or zero response back. Kind of reminds me of the dynamic that came up with us with dirty talk at the beginning of the relationship. Like, oh, man, Xander would dirty talk a lot. And I really enjoyed it, but for some reason, I, like, just didn't think to respond.

That was a disconnect.

I just liked receiving it, and I didn't really think about giving it back in return. Yeah. So it's like, there got you to a certain point where you're like, I'm not gonna do this anymore because you're not, like, giving it back to me.

Well, fortunately, I didn't just stop.

You asked. Yeah, you checked.

But I mean. But yeah, I think you're describing a situation where many people would have gotten to a point where they were just like, obviously they don't like it. This is super awkward for me. I'm, like, putting myself out there, not getting anything back, so I'm just gonna stop. I mean, this happens with initiating sex so often. We hear that story time and time again.

Yeah. It's this vulnerability of putting yourself out there, and, like, I'm trying something, and your partner is like, either you're getting, like, zero response, or they're like, oh, don't do that. Like, that's cheesy. That's dumb. Of course you're gonna stop if you're not getting a good response from your partner. And then finally, I kind of mentioned this one a bit already, but this idea of, like, so many of us feel like we don't know how to flirt. And when I was Thinking about this a little bit, I was like, you know, because flirting is something that we do at the very beginning of a relationship. This kind of, like, winning our partner over type of thing. I feel like a lot of us never really actually get the opportunity to discover what our partner actually likes or dislikes. Yeah, because it's like you're just doing it at the beginning, where you and your partner, you know, this new person, new, exciting person. Like, you're not really giving each other open feedback and communication. Like, you're typically, like, you're laughing at all their jokes, and you're, like, going along with it. You're trying to make, you know, be the cool girl, make it seem like everything's clicking, like, you're not going to tell your partner, hey, I actually don't like it when you flirt with me that way. Would you flirt with me this way instead? And it's like, we get into the relationship, and you're like, I've never gotten that feedback from my partner about what did or didn't work. So you could be doing stuff that your partner actually doesn't really like, and you have this misinformed idea that they actually do like it. Or maybe you just never discovered, you know, what they actually do.

Like. Yeah, I mean, or you tried one thing and your partner didn't like it, and they didn't. They didn't react at all. Or they reacted kind of poorly. And instead of having the conversation of, oh, well, what else might you like? Hey, I was trying to flirt, actually. I'm sorry that you didn't like that, but I'm curious, like, what other ways might you be more into? Or you could have just tried other ways, but instead you went, oh, they're not into that. Yeah, screw you. I'm not flirting anymore.

So for that reason, this is a great episode to listen to with your partner because we are going to go over a long list of flirting ideas, and one of the main points that we wanted to make in this episode is that we are all so unique. What feels fun and flirty and sexy and exciting to one person isn't necessarily going to feel that to another person. So this is a great episode to listen to with your partner. And as you hear each flirting idea, pause the episode and ask your partner, like, would you like that type of flirting or not? So it's just a great conversation opener. And it's so much easier to start with examples. Like, if you were to ask me, Vanessa, give me 10 ideas for how I can flirt with you, I would probably struggle with that. But if going through a list of 10 different ideas, I can very easily say, oh, I like that one. No, I don't like that one. Yes, I like that one. All right, so we just talked about why we don't flirt. Now I think we should talk about why should we flirt. Like, what is. What is the reason anyway? So the first reason is that it keeps the spark alive. Like, flirting is something that differentiates the two of you from just being friends. It's like, no, this is a special kind of energy that we share with each other and that is, you know, unique to our relationship.

I think the energy point. I think that's a really important thing to just to spend a moment on, because I think that a lot of people, you know, they fall into that trap I described earlier of the, like, they see flirting in this very narrow way that a certain type of person does. And if they don't feel like that kind of person, you distance yourself from that. You're like, I don't. I don't do that. But the reality is, is that flirting creates a certain type of energy between you. It creates this kind of romantic, exciting energy that is. Yeah, like Vanessa said, it's one of the things that. It's a different type of energy that differentiates a friendly relationship or a familial relationship from, you know, a romantic or a sexual relationship. Right. And that kind of energy, I think it's really important to feel that. I think that it's a type of energy that, whether we know it or not, we really crave it, makes us feel really good about ourselves. And, you know, I think that, you know, it's like one of those things where if you have. If you don't feel it in your relationship for a long time, and, like, look, I'm not, like, trying to talk about, like, cheating or infidelity or anything, but, like, sometimes you just, like, randomly end up in a situation where you get sort of, like, a flirty vibe from someone. And I think, like, if you haven't been feeling that, I think a lot of people are like, whoa. Like, what was that? Right. Like, I think it's just one of those things that you know it when you feel it. And so I think it's just. It's so important to have in your relationship.

Ooh, that's actually a really interesting point that I haven't thought about before. Like, if you and your partner don't have any flirty energy in your relationship, and then you interact with somebody else who is being flirty with you like, that is going to feel so much more attractive and appealing and exciting to you because it feels novel. Not only is it a different person, where naturally there is the novelty there, but it's also like, ooh, you're giving me something that I am not getting from my partner. So I'm not saying, like, people should pressure themselves to flirt as a way to protect against infidelity, but I do think it is an interesting point that, like, if you and your partner have flirty energy between the two of you, it's not going to feel as exciting or seductive to them if they get that from someone else. It's like, yeah, I'm already getting that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah. I think we want to be careful to differentiate this idea from the idea with sex, because you hear this a lot. Like, oh, well, like, if you're not getting it from your partner, they're going to get it somewhere else. I think the difference here is, like, flirtatious energy. It's just out there. Like, you never know when it's going to happen. Like, unlike sex, it's not like, oh, I just, like, walked into this store and all of a sudden, like, I was having sex with someone. Like, it's not. It's not like that. It's not like, you know, in any interaction, like, any interaction could just turn into sex at the drop of a hat. Whereas, like, the reality with life and interacting with people in the world is that flirtatious energy. It's out there. We were at the. We went to go get coffees the other day. We went to go get matchas the other day. The. The, like. Wait, the person serving me.

Oh, yeah.

Gave me some very, very flirtatious vibes. And, like, I didn't. At first, I didn't even pick up on it. I was like, whoa, like, that. That was unexpected. What was that? And we walked up and I was like, that. Like, that was a. That was a really flirty server. And I was like, oh, shit. Like, yeah, like, that's what was happening. So it's like. It's just. It's one of those things we can control. Like, of course you can control how you respond to it, but, like, you can't walk around in the world and be. Unless you wear a shirt. I guess it says, don't flirt with me.

I want you to wear a shirt that's like, this is my wife. Don't flirt with me. She's right here, and she flirts with me at home all the time.

Not available for flirting.

Yeah. So Again, yeah. Like Xander was saying, we are not a fan of the. Like, you have to have sex with your partner because otherwise they'll get it somewhere else. That's bullshit. It's crap. Don't ever pressure yourself to do that. And I think flirting feels really different than having sex. Also, a great reason to flirt is it has benefits for you personally. Like, forget about the benefits on your partner and your relationship. Like, when you are in touch with your own flirty energy. It's like a sense of vitality, a sense of aliveness. It can create more confidence for you. It can just. Yeah, I think so many of us, life is like, let's be real. Life is complicated. It's hard. There are a lot of boring parts of it. And, like, being able to be flirty just feels really fun.

Definitely not boring.

Yeah, different kind of energy. But of course, flirting is also great for your partner and your relationship. Like, I think for your partner, it does so many different things for them. Like, it helps them feel like you're still attracted to them. It helps them feel like you are still choosing them. Like, it's not like, yeah, I got you now. I, you know, take my foot off the gas and whatever. I guess it's easier to just, like, keep being with you than to not be with you. Like, it makes your partner feel chosen, makes them feel loved, and makes them feel important too. So it just feels really. I mean, let's go back to that stat. 80% of people want their partner to flirt more. Like, your partner wants this. They want to feel important to you. And of course, flirting is great for your sex life. It builds a sense of tension, of anticipation, and especially for those of you who have responsive sex drive types, it can even be the stimuli for your body to respond to and, like, start to get really turned on and excited. So we asked our Instagram community, I had this idea of this funny question. I was like, okay, is there anything that your partner currently does that they think is flirting but you actually do not like it? I would say 95% of the responses were one thing in particular.

Yeah, it was. This was the clearest trend I've ever seen from a, you know, like a question box response. Usually with question box things, it's like you can kind of skim through and get a quick sense of, like, okay, there's like three or four things I'm seeing. A lot of this was like, every response like this. 9 out of 10 responses. I've never seen something this clear.

Boob honking, most often perpetuated by men, let's say. And yeah, it's. I. I've never seen a dynamic that is more universally hated than the boob honk. Like, women hate it. We've pulled this before. Like, we've just straight up asked, do you like having your boobs honked? And there were like, two women who reached out and were like, yeah, I actually do. Like, it's. It's fun, it's funny, and, like, that's great for you. If you genuinely like it, go for it. But I really think, like, in general, the vast majority of women just absolutely hate it. It's just not. Okay. First of all, it doesn't feel good physically. Like, honk, honk. Like, it doesn't feel good on the boobs. Like, boobs are very sensitive. They can feel a lot of pleasure. But a little honk, honk, squeeze does not feel good. But it also feels really immature and juvenile. Like, it feels like, oh, I have like, a teenage boy grabbing at me rather than like, my grown ass adult husband. So why do men do it? Xander, what if. Okay, why do they do it?

What? Okay, pause. What if, like, instead of like a honk, honk, what if it was like a really gentle caress and two short squeezes and you still say honk, honk.

No, no. No honks allowed. Just period. No honks allowed. I mean, again, this is a great question to ask your partner. Maybe she's one of those two women who genuinely likes it, but. But vast majority of women do not like it.

I mean, I think. Well, so you asked me why guys do it. I think this is exactly what you said. It is this juvenile, teenage thing. It's that men have been straight men. Straight men literally have been thinking, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs, ever since puberty. I know I have. I mean, I don't know what else to say about it other than, like, I don't have them. The sex that I am attracted to does have them. It's like one of the most visual thing differentiators between us. I've been, you know, I've been attracted to them. I've been looking at them. That sounds actually kind of creepy, but, you know, like, it's something that the eye has been drawn to. The mind has been thinking, but why.

Do you want to honk, honk them? Why aren't you like, these are these beautiful breasts. I just want to, like, curse, caress them.

Well, I think. So here's the thing. I don't think, like, the honking is not happening when you are having Sex, right? Like, it's like.

It's like middle of the day, drive by.

It's a drive by. It's like a.

Hey, you're washing the dishes. I can come grab you because you're kind of stuck there.

Yeah, I mean, it's like, okay, well, we're not having, like, romantic, sexy time where I would be actually caressing and truly enjoying those boobs and. But instead, it's like a. It's like a. I don't know, it's like this almost like furriv. Desire. Like, oh, I want those boobs. But like, we're not having sex. So, like, oh, let me just, like, let me just try to get them real quick. It's. You know what? Cause I know the next item on here is butt slapping. I think it's a little bit like a little smack on the ass, but it's the boob instead of. Now, you know, we'll talk about butt slapping and how that may or may not be enjoyable. I think there is, you know, more people enjoy a random slap on the butt. You know, women and men or any. But like, literally anybody with a butt can enjoy having their butt slapped. But the difference is, is that, I mean, it kind of gives like, you know, minor spanking vibes, which can just be kind of like a fun, silly thing to play with. Whereas it's like, you wouldn't like, slap a boob, but you honk a boob. I don't know.

What was it in that? The latest season of Love is Blind. There's like the flop. There's some sort of like burrito slap or something like that where they. You remember what that was? It was really weird.

I don't remember the name.

Oh, something with beans.

Bean dip.

The bean dip burrito.

You were close. You were close, you know? Yes.

Okay, so like we said, that was like 95% of the responses, but here are some of the other ones. But slapping, like Xander just said, but interestingly. But slapping also came up in. We asked people, like, what are your favorite ways for your partner to flirt? That was high on the list as well. So, yeah, I think that's the perfect one. Pause right now with your partner and be like, do you like a drive by butt slap? Yes or no?

Yeah, I can see how that's a polarizing.

Let's differentiate the butt slap, though, from the credit card swipe.

Oh, yeah, the credit card swipe. Probably going to be less successful unless your partner really likes it. There's a vocal. A loud, vocal minority that is really into the Credit card swipe. There's an even smaller minority, but equally loud, that's into the boob honk. So if you happen to have a boob honk lover as a partner, honk at it, I say. Or swipe at it or whatever. But, I mean, that's, again, why it's so important to talk about it.

Okay. We also had tickling, which is such a good one. I feel like a lot of people feel like tickling is like, oh, it's so fun and playful, and we're just messing around. And the people receiving the tickling are like, leave me alone. This is so unenjoyable. I do not like it. Like, tickling is very polarizing. Yeah, you hate it. You absolutely hate it.

I. Yeah, I do. I do hate it. And that actually just. It gave me a flashback to me being on the other side of tickling.

Yeah. You'd have a talking to with me and tell me to stop tickling you.

I know, I know. Ironically, with. With an ex in the past, I think the very first time I had sex with her, it was initiated via, like, our first kiss was initiated via tickling.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Which feels really.

That feels very. I feel like, very teenage.

Me tickling her. I guess she was into it.

That's such a teenage boy.

She was into it. Thank God she didn't try to tickle me.

We also had, like, making fun of me or teasing me, like some people said. And I've always also been guilty of this, too, but, like, kind of taking teasing a little too far where you're like, maybe it starts off, like, kind of fun and playful, but then it, like, goes too far and just doesn't end up feeling very good.

Yeah, we. We've both been there on that one.

Okay. Now that we have all the bad flirting out of the way, let's get to some ideas. Some good flirting ideas. So again, we asked our Instagram community, like, tell us, what are your favorite ways for your partner to flirt? Like, what would you love for your partner to do? So let's start with some of the most popular responses that we got back. Compliments was a very popular one. So many people were like, just, like, say something nice about me. Then, especially out of the blue, this feeling of, like, you know, your partner just has to stop you in that moment and say something to you that feels really nice.

I think I feel like a lot of people might hear that and be like, hold on a second. Like, like, compliments are compliments. Flirting is flirting. Like, are these actually the same? So I think, I think this gets at what I was saying earlier on of like, we have this idea of flirting being this really narrow set of things. And I want you to challenge your assumptions about what flirting actually is and open up, you know, try to open the book on like, what else it could be. Because I think with compliments, like, I mean, there's obviously a whole array of types of compliments and like, there can be really serious compliments, but I think there can also, you know, compliments can turn into like a fun and silly and playful thing. So it's not necessarily going to be or going to feel flirty if, you know, you know, I'm complimenting you on like how well you handled a, you know, a tricky situation with family or something like that. But if it's like, oh, like, thank you so much for making that amazing dinner and like, you look so sexy while you were doing it too.

Yeah, yeah. I think like, compliments tend to feel a bit flirtier when they are more about like attraction and physical appearance. We do have a compliments podcast episode and we talk in that episode about like having a mix between appearance based compliments and more like personality or values or actions based compliments. But I think if you want it to feel flirty, probably for the majority of people are going to feel like, well, yeah, talk about my appearance or how attracted you are to me. Another very popular response was touching, just straight up touching. And we've talked a lot about touching in pillow talks because the vast majority of couples in long term relationships like, really stop touching each other very often and we really tend to only touch each other like, like as a lead up to sex or during sex itself. So, so many people said, like, I just wish that we would have more like non sexual touch with each other.

And here are a couple specific types of touch that people suggested. Lingering with your touch, just leaving your partner wanting a little bit more. Like not just, you know, instead of just like a pat on the back, like a little pat and then a.

Little rub, a little caress. Yeah, I mean, I think this is like contrast this to the boob honk where it's just like a drive by squeezing or grabbing. Like there's a big difference between grabby gropey touch and like a lingering, soft, gentle caress type of touch.

All right, so hugs or arms wrapped around from behind. I love this one.

I love you've really been into a side hug lately.

I mean, I'll take any kind of hug I can get from you, but I mean, if you come up from behind me or to the side, you know, whatever. It's just like. I mean, it's more unexpected. I don't see it coming. It's nice. I like a surprise hug. Brushing their hair back if they have.

Enough hair, tuck their hair behind their ears kind of vibe. That can be very nice and flirty.

Yeah. Putting your arm around your partner, caressing their arms. Put your hand on their thigh. Or hold hands when you're driving. And back rubs.

Next up, we had kissing. Another super popular response. We have an entire episode about our little nightly makeout routine. So definitely recommend listening to that. That goes so much into kissing and why we think it's really important in.

Relationships, especially like outside of sex. And I think, oh yes, the same is really true for touch. The same idea applies about, like, why you want to have more touch and non sexual touch throughout the day so that it doesn't feel like, oh, they're doing the thing. That must be a proxy for wanting sex.

Yeah. So there can be like, like short sweet kisses and maybe kisses like a kiss on the cheek or a kiss on the forehead or grabbing their hand and kissing it. Something like that. But you can also have like longer passionate kisses. Kind of like leaving them wanting more type of vibe, I think especially like grabbing your partner and giving them a kiss out of nowhere. Like a long, lingering, like unexpectedly passionate kiss that can feel super flirty. Or even grabbing them in places like, let's say you step into the elevator, you know, and you're like, okay, we've got 10 seconds until we're getting to our floor. Obviously, if it's just the two of you in the elevator, don't do this in front of other people. But like, you know, grabbing them for a kiss in that moment, or like you're in a, in a parking lot and there's no one around, grabbing them for a quick kiss can be super flirty. And rounding out our most popular responses, we also had sexting and dirty talk. So this is another area where so many of us feel like we are bad at it. We don't know how to do it. I mean, I already mentioned my embarrassing story of like just leaving Xander hanging every time he talked dirty. So we are gonna link for you in the show notes. That's like the description of the episode. We'll put a link to our Dirty Talk 101 guide. I have to say, this is one of our most underrated guys. Or it's not underrated, like under the radar. A lot of people don't think to buy it. They're like dirty talk, like, what am I gonna learn from that? But it's so fun. And it was created out of a personal necessity. But to really help you find your unique voice, find your confidence, find the things that genuinely turn you and your partner on to say great communication in the bedroom. It's so fun. It's a really, really fun guide. So we'll put the link to check out that. All right, next up, we have flirting in front of other people.

Oh, this is like turbocharged.

Yeah, I like this one. Like, I, for me, I always want to be respectful of the other people I'm around. So, like, I'm not a big PDA fan. Like, I don't want you grabbing me and trying to make out with me when we're like in the middle of a conversation with some friends. But like little things like complimenting your partner in of front front of other people, like, that can be such a big turn on. Or even like, let's say you're at a big party and you're on other ends of the room, like kind of catching each other's eyes, maybe a little wink, make a little gesture or just some like little eyebrow wiggle, something like that.

But again, I think this is one where it's so important to pause and actually talk about what that feels like to you. Because some people are going to feel like not open to that in front of other people. It feels awkward or embarrassing or, you know, you don't like being the center of attention and it feels like that puts the spotlight on you. And some people feel very uncomfortable with that. And so that has nothing to do with, you know, the other person that's wanting to compliment them. You know, that's like their own issue of feeling uncomfortable with something. So you don't want to make your partner feel uncomfortable if they're not going to like that. So just that's important to talk about.

We also heard leaving notes for each other. So it might be like putting it in surprise places where they have to find it. Or it could just be like a sticky note on their side of the bathroom mirror. That kind of thing. That people really loved the idea of notes to each other. And it could be sweet little notes like I love you, hope you have a great day. Or they could be spicier little notes. Maybe you get some inspiration from Dirty Talk 101. You leave some spicy notes around the house.

Is this like the. Is this like the modern day version of the love letter?

Yeah.

Ain't no one got time to write a whole love Letter, one sticky note or one little text. Yeah.

A lot of people also said reminiscing about the early days of the relationship. So just like bringing up, you know, oh, do you remember when this happened? Do you remember when we did that? Just like bringing up those sweet memories. I think that can be really nice because it just, it reminds you of some of your best times together. Kind of. That, like, reminds you of your. The potential that you have with each other.

All right, now we have a really polarizing one, and that is giving a playful cat call or whistle at your partner when they're looking good.

Yeah, this is definitely one to discuss with each other because some people really like it, some people really dislike it. But what was. There was some episode recently where we were talking about, like, being naked in front of your. Oh, is the. Is this normal episode like being naked in front of your partner and they're not noticing? Like, some people are like, damn, like, I'm naked here and you're not even like, ooh, looking good, or a little whistle or something like that. Whereas other people would be like, oh, just let me get dressed in peace. Leave me alone. So pause this episode right now and ask your partner, would you like it if I cat call you or whistle at you?

See my problem?

You just flirted with me, right? Then you just gave me a little eyebrow raise.

Yeah, yeah, baby.

We don't have eyebrow raise on the list.

Well, we could put it under.

Oh, I know which one.

Yeah, okay. Okay. Well, yeah, there's two of them. Actually, I was gonna say the one below where you were typing that, but either one works. God, what was I even gonna say? Oh, yeah. With my surgery and my device in my mouth, my whistling has been a little impacted. I'm not sure if I can.

No, it's kind of sad. Oh, caught Chauncey's attention. That's his flirting love language, apparently.

Maybe I'm putting out some, like, extra high pitched notes that only Chauncey picks up.

Okay, next. Next. We had another divisive one. Cheesy pickup lines. So some people would say like, okay, that's just straight up cheesy. Don't give me the pickup lines. We're not at a bar. We're not 21 years old anymore.

Yeah, for a lot of people, this is the one where it's like, you know what? After meeting someone in a bar, we don't need to ever do that again.

Yeah, I love a cheesy pickup line. I think that's very. It's not like, like seductive flirty but it's very, like, fun flirty to me.

You love that. For me?

Yes, for me.

Yeah.

I mean, you know, anyone can give me a little cheesy picket line.

Good luck. Good luck people.

What does that mean? You don't think people want to flirt with me?

No, I'm saying, like, good luck having it, like, you know, stealing you away from me.

Wow, the confidence. You don't think someone could steal me away from you with some really good pickup lines?

How good? How good are we talking?

Was your father an astronaut? Cause you just.

Wait. What? Oh, man.

You can't even. You fell from the sky, Fell from heaven. I can't even remember now. Are you tired?

No, I'm not right now.

Well, you've been running through my mind all day. Oh, see, I think that's funny. I mean, they're horrible, but, like, that's the point of it. So when you say cheesy pickup line, what also works for me really well is like.

Like.

Well, kind of. The next one that we were gonna say is like, innuendo or suggestive comments like, Xander and I can turn anything sexual and. But it, like, doesn't even make sense. You're like, wait, what do you. We did a reel about this recently where it was like, you were like, oh, do you. You know, I'm gonna go to the store. Do you want to get anything? And I was like, how about some sausage? But then there were even stupider ones, like, oh, have you seen that email lately? Or did you just see that email? And I was like, oh, do you want me to E your male? Like, it made zero sense. It's terrible. But, like, we can just add that little, like, suggestive tone to it and.

Make it je ne sais quoi.

Yeah, but, like, I think that's really funny. And it keeps that, like, light hearted, fun energy between the two of us when we, like, turn anything into a dumb sex joke. But on the other hand, a lot of women in particular tell us, like, it feels like my partner is always making sex jokes or, like, turning everything into sex, and it just feels immature and annoying and I don't like it. So. Great one to talk about with your partner. Next up, we have eye contact. Eye contact is a really interesting one because we do not make eye contact in relationships. Like, it's really wild. We're making eye contact with each other right now. You did the eyebrow raise again. There we go. But no, like, couples really don't look at each other that much. And it's kind of surprising how vulnerable it can feel. We hear people all the time. Like, oh, my God, I've been with my partner for 16 years. But, like, making eye contact just feels wild. So eye contact, like, the energy that you. You can send so much energy through your eyes. You can send all the vibes through your eyes.

Good and bad.

Yeah, yeah. Good and bad. Seriously.

So we're only talking about good, flirty vibes.

Yeah, flirty vibe, eye contact. And yeah, of course it kind of looped in with general eye stuff is like winking. I love a good wink. You're not that great at wings. You go for the eyebrow raise.

I do.

And you're great at the single eyebrow raise.

I am.

Okay, next up, we have trying to look your best for your partner. And this is an interesting one. Like, we're not saying that Everybody should be 100% effort all the time. I think one of the great things about being in a long term relationship is getting comfortable with each other and feeling like I don't have to get totally glammed up. You see my natural beauty. You like me, me just for who I am. You're attracted to me even when I'm wearing sweats and my hair's thrown up and I've got my retainers on, you know, kind of stuff. Like, that's all great. And sometimes it's really nice to put that effort in for your partner and honestly for yourself too, to like, get kind of gussied up for each other.

Yeah. I think the key word there is look your best, not the best. I think a lot of us get really tripped up up on that where it's like, we're not saying, like, you got to put all the makeup on, you got to do this, you got to do that.

Especially for women. Yeah. Because we feel like there's so many, like, I have to do my hair and I have to do my makeup and I have to wear some, like, tight outfit and high heels and all this.

Yeah, it's like you are looking the best that you think, like, other, like, to other people's standards or to ideal beauty standards or whatever it is, versus just look whatever feels best for you. Whatever, whatever you do that gives you confidence. It makes you feel good about yourself, you know? So it's like, yeah, for me, I was like, yeah, there's like certain outfits or, I don't know, like, doing my hair a certain way. I kind of do my hair the same way all the time.

But, like, I'm like, what is this.

Certain way, freshly showered or whatever, where it's like, there's a difference, but sometimes where I'm like, okay, yeah, I'm gonna, like, put something on that really pops.

Yeah. And I think it can also be cute to, like, put on an outfit that, you know your partner likes. Like, maybe they've given you some compliments about it before. Like, it, you know, this was the dress that you wore your first date or whatever it was. But, like, kind of doing those things that, you know, your partner likes as well. But ultimately, I think what matters the most is, like, your version of your best whatever makes you feel confident and sexy and, like, I just think that there's something about feeling like you've made an effort for each other.

Yeah. Well, because that confident energy, that feeling good about yourself energy, that translates like, that, you know, your partner can pick up on that. I think we discount how much just the way we feel about ourselves, like, kind of flows out of us in terms of what our partner picks up from us.

And finally, date nights. Yeah, I mean, I feel like date night is just kind of like the classic flirty thing. I mean, one of my favorite ways for you to flirt with me is when you tell me, like, oh, I planned date night. Get ready Saturday night. Or, like, you send me a calendar invite that just says, like, surprise date. Like, that feels so fun and flirty. It makes me feel very important, like, you're really thinking of me. And, you know, and then, of course, we get to, like, actually do the date night and do something fun and exciting just for us.

I like how you specified that we actually get to do the date night. As if, like, I would just send a bunch of calendar invites and then.

Be like, just kidding, we're not going.

I mean, kind of. It's kind of like how you get the dopamine from the anticipation. That would be a real hack if I was like, okay, great, I'm going to give you that dopamine hit from the anticipation of this thing. But then we don't need to actually do it because you get more dopamine in the anticipation than in the actual execution.

All right, let's wrap things up with some final thoughts about flirting. So, one, I think it's really important to make the distinction between flirting and initiating sex. I think most couples in long term relationships, if they are doing any flirting, it's only as an initiation. And this can feel really frustrating to your partner because it's like, oh, you're not just trying to, like, have that cute, fun energy with me. You're trying to get something out of me.

Yeah. It's like you're doing it for you yourself, not for your partner.

Yeah, exactly. So I think it's. Think it's so important to have flirting that is separate from initiation. So be really conscious about that to, like, make sure you're flirting with your partner completely separate from sex. And that actually creates more of a sense of anticipation and excitement anyways, so make sure you're separating those two things. And we're going to link one other resource in the show notes for you. Our course, the Art of Initiation. A lot of us struggle with initiation because we don't feel confident with it. We don't know how to do it. We don't really know what the options are. So a lot of the things that we already talked about today that people don't like, like the boob honk, the grabby touch, the teasing and tickling. Like, a lot of times partners are resorting to that because they don't know what else to do. And we try to kind of protect ourselves from the vulnerability by doing these jokey types of initiation of, like. So we're trying to go for plausible deniability, like, if Xander honks my boobs and I'm like, ugh, leave me alone. Get away. Like, stop trying to initiate something. He can say like, oh, I wasn't trying to initiate Luke. I was just joking around kind of thing. But at the end of the day, it's like, we're doing these initiations that don't feel good, that just have our partner on edge rather than excited to be intimate with us, and it's just not working out for anybody. So the Art of Initiation is a really great course that will walk you through actual techniques of how to initiate. And there is, of course, a lot of flirting that is wrapped up in that course as well. So if you want a deeper dive on any of this. That is such a great starting point. I also think that flirting should be a mix of some sweet flirting and some spicy flirting.

Wait, so you're saying I can't just do 100% bad pickup lines? That's not gonna work. Even if there's a couple sexy ones?

No, I think we gotta mix it up a little bit because they're just.

Just.

They're just different kinds of energy. Like, yes, sometimes flirting is for, like, turning each other on, getting excited, keeping that, like, simmer going between the two of us. But I also think there's a very innocent aspect to flirting that a lot of us miss, too, of that sense of, like, I'm just excited about you and I just like, want to be near you and with you and call out all the things that I appreciate about you. So I think thinking about it in that sort of way, like, we're not going for all super explicit, really over the top flirting, but we're also not just being like, you know, little teenagers in love kind of feeling like a little mix of the sweet and spicy.

I think another thing we wanted to bring up is that I think flirting has benefits for both the giver and the receiver. So, like, let your partner flirt with you and maybe even in ways that aren't necessarily your favorite. I'm not saying tolerate ways that you really dislike, but stuff where it's like, maybe it's not your first choice because it's just about creating that energy. It can feel just as good to be the giver of like a flirty phrase or, you know, and have that, you know, that vibe returned back to you just as much as it is to receive that flirty energy. So if you really enjoy flirting with your partner in a certain way, like, it can feel really good to allow your partner to do that, that to you. And also on the flip side, like, for you to be willing to flirt with your partner in ways that aren't necessarily your own favorite. Like, you wouldn't default to doing it that way, but you know that they love that kind of just like compliments. We talk about this with compliments all the time where it's like, you may have a default way that you give compliments to your partner, but your partner may not enjoy that type of compliment, but you know that they really love this one certain thing that kind of feels unnatural for you. That doesn't mean you can't say it. You just have to maybe give yourself reminders or create a new habit of like, saying something that doesn't come supernaturally to you because you know your partner is going to love it so much.

I think it's also fine to call out in those moments, like, hey, I'm flirting with you. Like, especially if you guys haven't flirted a lot and you're trying to build a new habit of flirting. Like, sometimes your partner doesn't always pick up your vibes. Like, there have definitely been times where I've tried to flirt with you and you weren't really getting it and it was like a little embarrassing or awkward in the moment, but I was just like, hey, I'm flirting with you. Like, that's me flirting with you.

And I mean, and that gives the me or the other Person, whatever. It gives them a chance to kind of course correct and be like, oh, like, oh, okay. And then kind of get on that same wavelength. It's so important to be able to do that because otherwise we get back to the situation we were talking about earlier on at the beginning where it's like, oh, yeah, well, like I tried doing this or that a couple of times and they didn't really respond. They must, they must hate me or they must hate it. So I just stopped.

Yeah.

And it's like, hold on a second. They might have just not understood or it might have felt so out of character. There was like, wait, what? And if you were just to stop and be like, oh, you know, whoops. Like, that was like me just trying to flirt with you. It gives them the opportunity to reassess and be like, oh, oh, yeah, that was fun. Okay, yeah, like, let's do that.

And one final point that I wanted to make because I know so many people are probably gonna feel like, ugh, but this is just so awkward. Like, it just feels so uncomfortable. Like, I was thinking back to the beginning stages of a relationship and I think that awkwardness and that feeling of having the butterflies are actually pretty closely related feelings. Like, very closely related. We know in those early stages of a relationship there's so much uncertainty. Like, like, is this person as into me as I'm into them? Is this going anywhere? Is this going to become something serious? Like, what do they see in me? Like, there's all this nervousness. And a lot of things do feel awkward in the beginning. Like we have dates and then we go back at night and we're like, oh my God, I can't believe I said that. That was the most awkward thing or why did I answer their question in that way? But we look at that early stage of relationship with these rose colored glasses. Like when we look back at it, we're like, oh, everything was so easy and effortless and natural. But I actually think that that, like falling in love feeling that, getting the butterflies feeling, like it's so. There's so much awkwardness in that. And then all of a sudden we're in these long term relationships and we're so afraid of being awkward with each other. I think we forget. Like, no, it was just always awkward with them. So we're all about embracing the awkwardness. So I, yeah, I just wanted to, to kind of make that, make that little comparison here in the hopes that it might help some people feel like, ugh, okay, sure, yeah, I am a little bit afraid of being awkward, of being cheesy. But let me see if I can look at this energy with the same rose colored glasses that I look back at the beginning stages of our relationship with. All right, well, that wraps up our episode on flirting. Like I mentioned, we're going to put links to two different courses in the show Notes. That is our Dirty talk guide and the art of initiation.

And that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about how to be vulnerable with your partner.