EPISODE 168: Long Distance? How To Keep The Spark Alive

You got to get in all the sex for the next month or two months or three months.

And then if we don't like, that means something. Something must be wrong. If it's not great, then maybe I don't. Maybe I don't miss them that much or they don't miss me that much. And what's up with that?

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience.

And I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and down in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. How do you keep the spark alive in a long distance relationship?

You.

That is the question we are trying to answer today.

I know it can feel hard enough in just a regular old relationship. So long distance relationship is like, you know, we're upping the stakes here.

Upping the distance.

Yeah, upping the distance. Wow.

So we have been asked to do this episode for a very long time and to be honest, I didn't really realize just how many couples are actually in long distance relationships.

Yeah, I guess I kind of, I. I'll take responsibility for the fact that I just thought of this as like, oh, this is like younger people. People in college.

College. Like my boyfriend's abroad.

Yeah. First job out of college. We went to different cities.

Yeah. But I was pretty shocked when we started doing some research for this episode and started pulling up some numbers. We actually had to like, double check ourselves because, like, this cannot be right, can it? So here's some stats that we found. 75% of all engaged couples have etsy some point been in a long distance relationship. 10% of couples continue to maintain a long distance relationship after marriage. So you're married, but you're still living separately. And 14 million people in the US alone are currently in long distance relationships. Wow, 14 million.

Yeah. Some of those people are, you know, like what I described, people who are a bit younger, maybe in college. But it is not like 14 million college age kids in long distance relationships. Like the vast majority are going to be just, you know, normal ass adults.

So we decided to turn to our Instagram community because we've been together, we're coming up on 17 years this year and we have not ever been long distance so we decided let's turn to our community. Let's ask the people who are in long distance relationships, like, what are your best techniques, hacks, tricks, secrets to keeping the spark alive and keeping it split spicy even when you are potentially hundreds, even thousands of miles away from your partner.

And maybe you can even use some of these tips if you are not actually long distance. Like, you know, I know that for us, when we are, when one of us is out of town or we are away from each other for a couple nights or a week or something like that, Vanessa and I, honestly, we kind of struggle with like talking on the phone. We don't really know how to communicate.

We're not good at talking on the phone.

We don't really know how to communicate that well, not in person. Because all our experience is really communicating in person. So if you are one of those people that haven't been in a long distance relationship or haven't for a very long time, you've gotten really used to your dynamic being face to face in person. I think a lot of these tips are really great tools for the tool belt because at some point you will be apart for a couple days, a couple weeks, maybe even a month. Like, who knows, like a family member gets sick or something. So it's so good to just have this stuff to be able to know. Okay. Ah, yeah, this is what we can do when we are on the phone and we're like, huh? What do we talk about? So I'm selfishly excited because we need to get better in this area as well.

Okay, so we broke these tips down into a couple of different categories. We're going to be covering communication, staying emotionally connected, keeping it spicy, spending time together, staying independent, and plans for the future. So let's kick it off with communication. I think one of the top tips for long distance relationships is that you just have to be in more communication than a. What would you call it? A close distance relationship, a regular relationship.

In person relationship, in person relationship. That sounds kind of, that sounds kind of weird, especially after the pandemic, like, in person, like, oh, are you in an in person workplace or a remote workplace?

Well, you know, obviously communication is important in any relationship, but in a long distance relationship, you have to rely on it even more because you're just not with each other in person nearly as often.

I can see how this one might feel or sound a little weird because it's like, well, hold on a second, like if we are not together all the time, arguably we can't be in communication as Much as we would be in an in person relationship. Right. Like, our communication is more limited to like when we are talking, you know, like, you're not going to be talking like six hours a day on the phone. So I could see how some people are like, oh, wait, well, like, is it really that important? But I think it's because you are not together. You're not sharing all these experiences. And so the way that you communicate can really make or break how things feel.

Well, you have to get more creative with your communication and like, find ways to keep that thread of connection alive between the two of you. So I think a great thing if you're at the beginning of a long distance relationship or you know you're about to spend some time apart is is to talk about your communication expectations. Like a lot of people said we went long distance and we really weren't on the same page. Like, I wanted to hear from my partner every day, but they would go long stretches of time without checking in with me. I wanted to hear a good morning or a good night every night, and they never did. So really getting clear with yourselves. And you're not gonna know ahead of time, but you can at least try to guess. Here's what I would like us to start out with. Let's check in in a month and see do we need to adjust our communication styles or sched or anything like that? But really just talking about, like, when do you want to hear from each other? How often do you want to hear from each other? How long even do you want to have conversations? Like, some people might be like, yeah, I want us to grab at least an hour on the phone together every night. Other people might be, you know, you might be dealing with really big time change or time zone differences and struggling to really find that much time at all to connect with each other. But the bottom line is being able to discuss your expectations and your desires is really important. Just finished A Court of thorns and roses and craving another fantasy world to devour. We are so excited to introduce you to Dipsea. Dipsea is an app full of hundreds of short, spicy audio stories. They bring scenarios to life with immersive soundscapes and realistic characters. Discover stories about second chance romances, adventurous vacation flings, and hot and heavy hookups. And there's also a growing library of fantasy series with werewolves, Greek gods and goddesses, Regency era historical fiction, and fairy smut to explore the bounds of your pleasure. If you've been following us on Instagram, you know that I went deep down the smut Rabbit hole In the last year I've read so many books, but it's really great to get to mix things up with Dipsea and get to hear the stories instead of just reading them. New content is released every week, so in between listening to your favorite stories again and again, you can always find something new to explore. And Dipsea offers a modern approach to romance through high quality audio and captivating fiction. For listeners of the show, Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day free trial. When you go to dipseastories.com pillow that's 30 days of full access for free. When you go to D I P s e a stories.com pillow dipsystories.com pillow.

Yeah, especially around so I think there's multiple types of communication. There's probably the more one to one communication like when you're on the phone on video chat or whatever. But then there's also asynchronous communication like texting back and forth where it's like you send a message. There's not this immediate expectation that your partner can respond immediately, but you're sending messages back and forth on your own schedules and yeah, what are the expectations there? Is it like we only talk during that time that we're on the phone? Are we sending little notes back and forth? Like, what level of detail are we sharing about our lives? Like, you know, is it like, does it feel good to be kind of led into like, oh, yep, just left this meeting at work. It was pretty boring. Or like, do you care about that? Do you not care about that? Like, I could see a huge potential for misaligned expectations and some serious feelings being hurt if one partner is like, well, yeah, I'm not gonna tell you about all the little minute details in my day because it's really boring. And the other partner's like, well, but I'm away from you and like, I just want to feel like I'm part of your life. So I want to know all this stuff even if it's boring.

Yeah, that's a good point. I also really like the idea of coming up with some sort of daily communication ritual. So for example, a lot of people told us that they love sharing like a photo of the day with each other. So it's like throughout the day they just take like one random photo to show like, this is just what my day to day life looks like. Here's what my lunch is, or here's where I went on a walk or here's like me and my PJs on the couch. Whatever it is, but like having a photo of the day or a video of the day can be really nice too. Just like a quick little check in, just, you know, especially again, for those who are dealing with big time zone differences too, of just showing like a little bit of your life. A voice note, of course, can be great. And good mornings or good nights, like, those in particular seemed really important for a lot of people in long distance relationships. They're like, I like that, like beginning and ending of the day ritual. So coming up with some sort of ritual of your own, you can make it unique. Of course, there are tons of other ideas that you can do aside from the ones that we mentioned, but something that just feels like your special thing that you do with each other every day.

Another communication tip is continuing to remind yourselves why you're doing this. I think that it can be easy to feel like, oh God, we're just like doing this long distance thing and like, it, it just feels so hard. But it can be easy to lose sight of. Like, why? So, you know, one example, you know, we hear from a lot of military couples where, you know, one person is deployed and the other person is obviously not deployed with them. And so, you know, reminding yourself, hey, like, I'm doing a service to my country. You know, this is, this is why I'm here. You know, we're, we're looking forward to being able to be back together someday. But like, you know, for now, like, this is what we've decided to do, or one person is maybe on an assignment for work. So just continuing to remind yourself, hey, my career is really important to me. This is a really great opportunity. I'm able to show up and serve this other group of people with this opportunity or something like that. Trying to continue to bring that up and maybe even remind yourself and remind your partner, both of you. Being able to talk about that openly can really help being able to point to what that purpose is.

I think that's a way to feel like a team. We're doing this together. We're doing this for a reason. It's not just some shitty thing that we're having to deal with.

Yeah, like, oh, I just wanted to get out of here.

And speaking of talking about the shittiness of long distance relationships is actually another one of our communication tips. I think so often in life when we're in difficult situations, we just don't want to acknowledge it. We'd rather bury our head in the sand and like, oh, this sucks. I just don't even want to talk about it. But actually, that has the exact opposite effect. It just makes those issues feel worse. It makes your partner wonder, like, oh, does my partner not really care about this? Are they not struggling with it? Do they not really care about me? So talking to each other about how frustrating and lonely and difficult and annoying a long distance relationship is actually can bring the two of you closer together and help you feel like a team?

Yeah, I think a lot of people think that, okay, well, if I, you know, if we are long distance for a good reason, like a job opportunity, a military deployment, whatever the case is, it can feel like, well, if I have to acknowledge that this sucks, what that's saying deep down is that I made the wrong decision and I can't have made the wrong decision. So I'm just going to be like, you know, kind of overwhelmingly or toxically positive about, like, why we're doing this. I'm not willing to recognize the downsides or the challenges. But the reality is, I think these, these last two tips go together. They're reminding yourself why you're doing this and talking about how hard it is. There's a purpose, there's a reason to why we're doing this. And it's tough. Like, I think that being able to acknowledge that really gets at the reality of the situation and that really helps both of you keep a balanced perspective rather than creating a dynamic where one person is like, oh, yeah, no, like, this is, this is great. This is the way it has to be because blah, blah, blah, and the other person is like, oh, this sucks. And then it feels like the relationship, the long distance, is driving a wedge between you rather than you being teammates, you know, recognizing both the positives and the negatives.

I think there's also a way that you can talk about it where you recognize, like, it's the two of you against the situation rather than it feeling like the two of you against each other. So, for example, with military couples, one of the things that you're having to deal with is you are having very specific set times where you can get in touch with your loved ones. Like, you don't have complete control over your schedule. Like, oh, yeah, I can just text my boo whenever I feel like it. Of course, depending on the circumstance. So if you talk about that openly and acknowledge like, oh, man, I'm so frustrated that I can't just pick up the phone and call you whenever I want to, or it's really hard that I only get this 30 minute window. You know, whatever it is, like, it helps remind the two of you These are the circumstances that we're dealing with, and these are challenging circumstances. But it's not like you don't run the risk of thinking, like, damn, he's never calling me, or, you know, she doesn't care at all. They're only, like, calling me, you know, one time a week. You. It's just a reminder that it's like, it's the situation. It's not the two of you.

Yeah. And then I think the flip side of that is also true. So let's say, like, let's say. Let's say that I was deployed or something, and I was not in control of my schedule at all. And it's totally not up to me when I'm able to talk to Vanessa. If we're talking on the phone or on video or whatever, and Vanessa is talking about, like, oh, man, it's like, it was so hard that I couldn't just talk to you earlier today. It would not be helpful for me to be like, well, babe, that's just what the situation is, and you gotta deal with it. Or like, well, you know, and I'm sure so many couples have been in this situation, like, being like, well, you know that I'm not in control of my schedule. Like, I'm, you know, I'm deployed. I'm doing X, Y, and Z. You knew this when we signed up for it. Like, that's not a helpful way of talking about it. That's like letting the long distance drive a wedge in between you. Instead, it's just being able to hear your partner and be like, yeah, it does. It does suck. Because the reality is it sucks for both of you. Like, neither of you are going to be happy about not being in control of your schedule, not being able to control when you talk to each other. Right? So it's not helpful at all to be like, oh, you don't get to complain about that because we knew about this going in. It's like, yeah, this does suck. And, you know, I'm really proud of us for being able to do this. You know, I think we're doing it for all the right reasons, and I'm really proud of what I'm doing here or whatever it is. So, yeah, trying to. Trying to just acknowledge both. Both sides.

We have a special treat for you today. We're joined by our friend Liz Moody, host of the Liz Moody Podcast. Liz is a longtime journalist who shares real science, real stories, and realistic tools that actually level up every part of your life. So Liz has already shared two tips with us in Our two previous episodes. And today she is back with tip number three.

I love this tip. It's based off of research from Bob Waldinger, who is one of my all time favorite psychologists. He just has this immaculate energy, but he is the director of the world's longest running study ever. This has been going on at Harvard for.

Wait, longest running study of anything ever?

Of anything ever. It's the longest running study ever. And this has been going for around eight, 80 years at Harvard. And it found that the single greatest predictor of health and happiness, health and happiness, was. You guys want to guess.

Some relationships?

I have a sex.

There's a reason you're telling us this.

Well, I was going to say. Well, because we know that one of the best predictors of a successful relationship is gratitude. I was going to guess gratitude.

I love that. I think that's a really good answer. And there's a ton of incredible research behind gratitude. But Vanessa is right. It is the quality of our relationships and there are real physiological benefits to this. You're going to literally live longer. There's things happening to your body on a physical level, but obviously there's also the psychological benefits. And I really like to highlight this research because we can all say, yes, yes, our relationships matter, they're important. But then we don't act on a day to day basis in our lives like that is true. Our time with the people that we love is fit in around everything else on our to do list. Have I checked off all of my personal health habits? Have I gotten all of my work done? Is my house clean? Are my chores done? And then in that little bit of time when we're super sleepy at the end of the day, we try to give some quality time to our partner or call a friend or call a family member. And I'm suggesting that we not reverse this completely because obviously we all need to go to work and live our real lives and that, that type of thing. But we give our relationships the credence that we know that they should have for both our happiness and our long term health. And we do that by calendaring in our relationship. So you can do that by scheduling in sex, which I know that you both approve of because you've said that on my podcast. And you can also do that by scheduling in date night, scheduling in time to call a friend, essentially acting like these things are important and they do matter in the same way that everything else that you're putting on your calendar matters.

I'm going to guess that this will probably be My favorite tip out of the five that you're going to share because it's just so important. And I think one of the things that we really get wrong about relationships is we feel like they shouldn't take any sort of effort whatsoever. Like, we've all been fed this fairy tale version of relationships where you, like, you find your person and it just, you live happily ever after. And most people will tell you, like, yeah, I don't want to have to work on my relationship. So I think really shifting our mindsets to recognize, like, no, our relationships are important and they do deserve our time and energy. And it feels good to spend our time and energy on our partner. This is not like us saying you need to spend more time doing your taxes or anything like that. It's like you should want to spend time with your person.

Yeah. I mean, this feels empowering to me. It's like we get to create our own happiness, our own well being by taking action and prioritizing relationships. Whether that's our romantic relationship or, you know, just catching up with friends, going out with friends. Like, all these things help us create the habit of prioritizing relationships which ultimately is going to make us happier.

Well, and particularly in the context I think of I'm in the wellness world, people are always coming to me and they're trying to figure out the science to feel their absolute best. So they're trying to be like, oh, should I take this supplement? Should I work out for this long or this long? What habit should I add in? And I'm like, the number one, the number one predictor of your long term health is the quality of a relationship. So before we're doing all these other things, can we zoom out and say, what do my relationships look like and how can I give them the importance and the time that they deserve? This is One of the 15 love lessons that my husband and I share in a special anniversary episode that we did called 15 Love Lessons from 15 Years in a Relationship. And it's one of my all time favorite episodes that we've ever done. It was a lot of fun to do with my partner and we share all of our little secrets that's made our love last so long.

We love Zach too, so little plug for him. We'll put the link for that in the show notes to our episode so you can find it easily. And make sure to keep an ear out for Liz's next tip next week. All right, let's move on to our tips for staying connected. So one person suggested having a shared shared Google Calendar where you share your daily schedules with each other so that you guys really understand each other's days. You know, what a typical day looks like, what your availability looks like. I think that can be really nice for couples who, maybe some people who are on the anxious side where they're like, why haven't I heard from my partner for a few hours? Like, you can just pop into the calendar and see, oh, they're in this meeting or in this session, whatever it is. But I think just having that general idea of the flow of your partner's day can be really useful. That's one of the little things about being in an in person relationship that I think a lot of us take for granted is you just, you have a sense for the flow of each other's days. Then let's talk about date nights. So even though you are separate, you still need to have date nights.

Oh yeah.

And I think this is an opportunity to be a lot more intentional about date night than the average couple is because let's, let's face it, most of us just don't have date night or we just do the same old, like going out to the same old restaurant or out to a movie for every single date night. Like the average couple is not very creative with their date nights. And so being long distance naturally forces you to get a little bit more creative with each other.

But I think if this is a habit that you can develop when you are back in person is going to make your date nights so much better. If you're going to have this habit of like having to get really creative with date nights and kind of doing them no matter what, even if, you know, it's maybe not the most exciting thing. So that should be such a great habit that will translate into a really exceptional in person relationship too.

So one of our favorite ideas for like a special date night that you can do, you know, over the phone or over video chat is like getting the same recipe and cooking it together. So you can, you know, you go through it at the same time. You can talk through it as you're doing it.

You can race.

Yeah, you can race, sure. And then you get to enjoy like the same meal at the end. So it gives you this feeling of sharing and experience even though you're not physically there with each other. So that's one great option.

Or you could make an even like a lighter version of this. Like if you have, you know, maybe like the same chain restaurant in the both cities that you're in, or the same type of cuisine. Like you could order the same food or something from the same restaurant or from, you know, similar restaurants of the same cuisine or something. So you're kind of sitting down and eating the same thing together.

We also recommend spending time together when you're just doing normal adult stuff. So not necessarily like a date night per se, but just video chatting while you're like folding the laundry or putting things away. Like, it can just be nice to spend time together doing the quote unquote boring adult stuff. Like, I think that's what a lot of people in long distance relationships miss is that feeling of the. The day to day little things that you do with each other that again, so many of us take for granted. It's like, ugh, the laundry.

But yeah, it's kind of like normalcy.

Yeah, the normalcy is something that you miss. So having little video chats when you're doing that kind of stuff can be really nice. You can also watch the same show together, listen to the same podcast, or read the same book together. So you can do that either in the same moment if schedules permit. You know, you guys both watching it together, talking about it, pausing it, chatting about it or whatever, or do it at separate times and then come together and discuss. So we've actually had a lot of couples tell us that they read our book Sex the five Conversations that Will Transform youm Love Life.

Great idea.

They did like a little book club where they each read a chapter separately and then they came back and talked about it together and like had a little date night about it. So something like that can be a really great option. And we will put the link. If you want to check out sex Talks, we'll put the link to that in the show notes. But you can also just find it@sextalksbook.com.

You can also play video games together, send cards or care packages in the mail to each other. I think that's such a nice one. Because in this day and age where most physical mail, let's be honest, is not very exciting. Not that email is very exciting either. It can just be really fun, a delight to get a package in the mail, a letter in the mail. And I think, like, yeah, you know, like, let's not downplay that it is. It's more meaningful getting something where like actual pen was put to paper. You know, someone had to really think about what they were gonna say. They couldn't like write and delete and write and delete. Like you had to, you know, kind of commit something from pen to paper. That's really nice.

Speaking of writing, another great idea that we got from our community was sending a journal back and forth. So, like, one shared journal that you're both writing in, and you can either, like, pop it in the mail, so you get to have that surprise of getting something in the mail, or. Or if you're, like, visiting each other in person, like, you kind of swap it, like, put it in their bag or their suitcase, and they take it back home with them and they bring it back. That kind of thing just can feel like a sweet little memento that you guys get to have with each other. And then finally, we got to put in a plug for our connection challenge.

Because we'll do the work for you.

We will. Like, we know that staying connected emotionally, like, can really feel like a tall task. And that's not just for long distance relationships. For any relationship just feels like that thing that gets put at the bottom of our to do list. We just don't know what to do. So we created the connection challenge because we know that pretty much every couple wants more emotional intimacy and closeness in their relationship, but we're just struggling with how. How do we actually do it? So the connection challenge gives you daily prompts and exercises. It can be done entirely long distance. You get two different options every day, just delivered straight into your inbox. It's so convenient, so easy, and so much fun and really, really effective at creating that connection. So we'll pop the link to that in the show notes for this episode, if you want to check it out.

All right, now we gotta get into the next topic, which is keeping it spicy, because you absolutely can keep it spicy even when you're not together. I think one of the biggest mistakes that people can make in long distance relationships is thinking, oh, well, because of the distance, we can only have sex when we're together. Sex is something that's, like, off the table or a subject that's off the table when we are apart so that we don't feel like, you know, it's something that's driving us apart or something that we're missing too much, but we think it's so important to keep talking about sex. Like, not only is talking about sex the best way to keep that. That spark or that spice alive between you, it's equally important to just be able to acknowledge the frustration of not being able to be in the same place, not being able to have sex, or just have that kind of intimacy that. That you want to have. So obviously, like, reading our book is a great way to get more Comfortable talking about sex. Vanessa was just mentioning that reading that together is a great way to have a structured way to keep talking about sex. But, yeah, I mean, I would just in general encourage you, like, don't take the conversation, the topic of sex off the table. Talk about what you're missing, talk about what you're excited about, talk about what you're frustrated about. Like, it's all okay.

We also mentioned a minute ago, like, reading a book together. You could definitely read or listen to a spicy book together and come back to discuss, like, the scenes that you really liked, what the characters said, what they did. That can be very fun.

And of course, you can sext with each other and sending each other spicy messages. And, you know, I think that this can be one that can feel a little tricky if you don't feel super comfortable with, you know, kind of, like, dirty talk and being able to express what it is that you really want or what you're excited about. And that's why. That's, like, one of the main reasons why we created our guide, Dirty Talk 101, which is all about figuring out, like, what is your unique dirty talk voice? Like, what is it? What words do you like, what phrases do you like? What energy do you like when you are just kind of like, texting or talking about sex? And so that can be such a great option if you're feeling a little nervous about. God, how do we. How do we keep this, like, kind of sexy talk going between us when we are apart? That would be such a fun thing to work through together. I mean, it would be a great conversation starter of like, okay, cool. Like, let's go through this part of it. All right, what words and phrases do we like? Or just something to work on on your own if you really want to up your game in terms of being able to send spicy messages to your partner. So we will put the link to Dirty Talk 101 in the description. We just can't recommend that one enough. We love it so much. And I know, like, we. That alone has changed so many people's relationships with just being able to talk about sex in a way that really takes things up a notch.

Of course, some other options are sending each other sexy pics back and forth. And if you can make it work with the time differences, FaceTime sex, a lot of people are like, just all you can do, just get on FaceTime, have some fun.

Another fun idea is that if you guys are about to be coming together again, you. One of you could send the other some lingerie like something that you might like them to wear for you when you guys are back together. Maybe we do that. Like not even right before you're about to get back together, but when there's still a while so you can build some anticipation. You could talk about that for a while. Oh, I can't wait to see you wearing this or that or whatever. Or I can't wait to be wearing this for you or whatever it is.

Or you could also do like role play costumes. You could do that. Like send them a little like, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire.

What was that?

My friend said stroke. I think, like, I try to say fire, firefighter. I can't. Why is that so hard to say firefighter?

We got to get a little video clip. We have to get a little clip of that. What happened?

Well, initially I was trying to say fireman, and then I was like, well, I don't want to be, you know, gendered about it. Like, what is the fire person then? So then I was like, fire person and then firefighter. Firefighter is gender neutral, right?

Yeah. Fire.

A person who fights fire.

Firefighter is fine.

It just sounds so weird. Firefighter. Firefighter. Okay, anyways, whatever. A firefighter costume, send it ahead of time.

Wait, are we like keeping all this in the podcast?

I think so.

Okay. I thought we were off the record there for a second. Wow.

Well, we'll let our podcast editor, Art decide if that's going to make it in or not. Okay. Another option is app controlled toys. Technology these days, man, it's making long distance relationships a lot easier. But there are a number of Bluetooth enabled sex toys where one person can get the control to the toy. Like even if you're thousands of miles separate. I have said millions. I said millions.

Probably not millions. I mean, if one of you is an astronaut and going to the moon. But I'm not sure that you're listening to this, there would be maybe a little time delay on that. Hard to send a data signal back and forth.

NASA is like, yeah, I bet NASA.

Frowns upon third party apps.

Okay, so anyways, anyways, if you're shorter distance than millions of miles apart, you can get an app controlled toy and play with that together. So that could be pretty hot.

Like your partner on FaceTime.

On FaceTime. There you go, doing it, having fun.

You're doing the best you can.

Do the best you can. And then finally, we'll also mention we have our ultimate foreplay guides and our next level intercourse guide. Those are our two most like, technique based guides. Those can be really fun. Just to create a sense of anticipation and excitement. So, like, getting those guides reading them together, going over, like, ooh, I want to try out this technique on you, or I want us to do this position or this, like, adventure. That can be just a super fun way of keeping the spark alive. So we will also link those things in the show notes for you. So let's move on to time together. So obviously, if you're in a long distance relationship, the time that you spend together is really important. It's just you're having way less of it than other couples are. Yeah.

The pressure is on.

The pressure is on. We will talk about that in a second too.

It feels like the pressure is on.

So one of the things that is super valuable is to make sure that you always have your next visit planned before finishing the current one. So always having a trip on the.

Calendar, something to look forward to.

Exactly. And this is a tip we actually give to couples when it comes to, like, vacations or trips together, even if they are an in person couple. I still don't know what to call these in person couples. But the, like, having something on the calendar to look forward to builds so much anticipation and excitement and it just gives you a lot of hope.

Even if it's a long time away. Exactly. I think a lot of people don't do it because of that. We're like, well, we can't, we can't go on vacation for like another year or two. So it's like not worth planning it. And it's like, well, no, it is worth planning it because it gives you something to be excited about.

And it also just eliminates a lot of that anxiety that so many couples in long distance relationships deal with of, like, when are we going to see each other next? Like, you need to have that comfort of knowing, like, oh, this is the exact date that we're going to see each other next.

And also the commitment, like, I think it's comfortable and commitments a way to demonstrate your commitment. Like we're, we're doing, you know, we are taking it upon ourselves to do this, to make these plans to show up for each other.

We were also curious about, you know, to hear from people in long distance relationships, like, how often they want to see each other. Of course this is going to be so different for everybody and based on your unique circumstances. But most people said that they felt like once a month was the minimum that they wanted to see each other. And that's obviously a lot of traveling. It's a lot. But, you know, Once a month. That was the most common response. We also heard a lot of twice a month. Which, of course, if you're like, you.

Know, well, it all depends on how far apart.

Yeah, an hour apart from each other versus like a 10 hour flight, obviously that's a huge difference. But I think that's another great thing for the two of you to discuss is like, given our circumstances, our distance, our finances, our schedules, like, what is realistic for us to do.

And I think it's also really important to talk about how you're going to share that load of traveling. Like, is it that one person is always visiting the other? Who's paying for it? Are we taking turns? I think a lot of the feedback we got is about just like how important it is to try to share that load. Because let's be honest, traveling is hard. If one person is always getting on a plane and traveling and the other is not. Like, that is an imbalanced load. Even if you know the other person is paying for it or something like that. Like that just traveling takes a toll. And so I think that to the extent that it is practical, each of you taking turns or some kind of trade off there so that everything feels balanced, I think is really the fair way to do it. And also that way it can feel like both of you are really showing up for the other and going out of their way. Maybe the only exception here is like, if one person has a way more flexible work schedule or something like that, and the other person can't really plan too far in advance because of their work. And so the other partner is like, okay, well, I know that I always have weekends off, so I'm going to come on the weekend because, you know, I don't want to like, risk thinking like, you're going to come and then you can't last minute. And so then we don't see each other.

So let's talk though, about the pressure of time together. This was something that we heard about so much from the couples that we spoke with. They said that when you're in a long distance relationship, there's really this pressure to make the time together, like, make it count.

Yeah.

And you feel like you've got to like, ring every last moment, for what it's worth, like, oh, we're only seeing each other this one weekend for the next few months. Like, we have to make it count. And that can just create so much pressure. And another dynamic that comes up is there's often a transition time, like when you get back to just like when Xander and I are apart and we have to transition to being on the phone and we're like, like, how was your day? I don't know, how was yours? Like, there's also an awkwardness in transitioning from being over the phone or being through letters into being in person. So normalizing that, like, it's okay if you feel awkward and you're like, damn, I've been so excited to see you. I've been waiting for this. But, like, I feel awkward and I don't know what to say to you and I don't know how to interact with you. Like, that's normal and that's okay. And don't put pressure on yourselves that you have to make like every last second count. I think, you know, we've been talking a lot in this episode about those little kind of boring, mundane life stuff. And I think trying to make some space for that kind of stuff together can be really nice. So not feeling like, okay, well, we have to like, go out to eat for every single meal and we have to like, go to the amusement park and we have to go to the movies and we have to do all these things. Like, it's okay if you just want to veg in bed for a little bit or if you're just going to, you know, clean up the house together. Like, it's okay to do, make some space for those basic tasks.

I feel like we kind of sometimes talk shit on this podcast about like, you know, like doing the old Netflix and chill all the time or kind of like doing more like zoning out activities. But I would actually say this is maybe a rare circumstance where kind of like doing those more zoning out kind of like normal everyday things for people who are in person might actually be kind of nice and comforting if you have limited time together where it's just like, let's just kind of like feel like what it would be like to just sort of be together and be comfortable together and in a sort of normal relationship. Maybe don't spend the entire time you're together just on your phones on the couch with Netflix playing in the background. But. But, you know, maybe give yourself permission to like, hey, it feels good to just know that we're here together doing this and let that be what it is.

And that pressure really comes up with sex too. Like, so many people told us like, that first time having sex with each other, it feels like all the pressure is on that it like, and we have to make each time having sex count and we have to have way more sex than we might Normally, because it's like you got to get in all the sex for the next month or two months or three months.

And then if we don't like, that means something. Something must be wr. If it's not great, then maybe I don't. Maybe I don't miss them that much or they don't miss me that much. And what's up with that?

So we have a rule that we talk about in our book, sex talks called the first pancake rule, which is like, you know, when you're making pancakes, regardless of what you do, the first one always just turns out a little weird. Like, the same thing is true with sex when you haven't had sex in a while. The first time back in the saddle, it's just awkward and weird. And I think if you can set the expectation beforehand of like, like, this is not gonna be our best sex ever, that can just relieve a lot of the pressure, make both of you chuckle a little bit and like, okay, like, let's just get the first one over with and then we'll start having more fun in the future.

You know, it's funny, whenever we do reels about the first pancake roll, there's always people that jump in in the comments where they're like, well, bad pancakes come from, like, oh, like, you didn't heat the pan up enough or it was too hot or something. The reason why the next ones come out better is because, like, it's, you know, the pan is to the right temperature, everything is stable. But I think it actually, that example still works better. It's like, well, yeah, you gotta get your temperatures equalized. You gotta, like, get everyone onto the. Onto the same vibe level. You gotta, you know, get that spice level, right? And it takes a little while for everyone to. Everyone to acclimate and get into the zone. And then that's when things start feeling really good.

And again, this is another great thing to talk about openly ahead of time while it's happening happening. Just like acknowledge with each other. Like, yeah, it does feel like there's a lot of pressure to catch up on all this missed time or to make sure we're having the most incredible sex that we'll remember for the next six months. Like, it's okay to acknowledge that and say, like, I feel kind of stressed out or, you know, I don't want to put this pressure on ourselves. But just being able to talk about it openly really helps.

Yeah. And also, I hate to break it to you, but sex is not like a cumulative thing where, like, if you this isn't a really extreme example, but like, like if you have sex five times in one day, like, that is not the equivalent of like, okay, cool, we're good for the next week. Because it would be as if we had sex five times that week. Like, you're not going to be like satiated five times longer. I think a lot of us fall into that trap of like, you know, kind of making. Having to like, make up for lost time or having to kind of like put, put some intimacy in the bank. And it's like, unfortunately it doesn't really work that way. Like after a couple of days, that sort of memory is gonna fade. Or maybe, you know, you feeling really like spent from all the sex that you had is gonna fade and you're kind of still gonna feel the same level of desire for it. It's not like, it's not like you're gonna be like, okay, cool, well, I'm good for a month now because we got it all in.

And this is why it's really worth getting good at dirty talk. And so that way you can, like, there's not all the pressure on. Your only sex life is when you're in person and so you can keep that intimacy alive between the two of you even when you're apart.

Yeah, it's a great way to keep those temperatures equalized so that when you are together there's a faster ramp up time.

All right, let's talk about staying independent. So many people told us to actually make the most of your time apart. I think a lot of in person couples struggle with maintaining independence. And this is actually a gift that long distance relationships give you. The ability to have your own independent life, your own like, interests and ways that you spend your time. So really being able to recognize that gift that you're getting.

Yeah, I mean, I think that as hard as it might feel like, you know, it can be an opportunity that you might not otherwise have to be able to focus more. I'm not saying that like, I'm not placing any value judgment on this, but just given that you don't have that in person time with your partner, you might be able to spend more time on, say, friendships that you have in person, family that you have in the same place that you are and just, you know, so you can use this as an opportunity to be able to do more, to show up more, show up differently then you might be able to if you were at home with your partner or at home with your partner and your whole family or your kids or whoever it is depending on your family configuration. And so, you know, that can. All that can be a great way to kind of balance, like, balance out whatever you might be missing from your partner in terms of connection and like, hey, can I get that connection? Obviously it's not the same type of connection, but can I get more connection from my friends or family? More of that familial or friendly intimacy from friends and family or hobbies as well? Like, are there hobbies that I can. I can use this time to really go deep in an area where I might not have the time if we were together. Can I get some satisfaction out of, you know, out of doing something that I really love, rather than kind of sitting around being like, oh, woe is me. My partner's not here and I miss them. Of course you can miss your partner. But I think it's like, okay, well, yes, this sucks. And are there things that I can do that I can focus on that I wouldn't be able to focus on if we were together?

And maybe even things that your partner doesn't enjoy doing? So, like, oh, you don't like this? Okay, I'm going to spend my time doing it while you're gone.

Yeah, I bet. You know what I would be doing a lot of if you were not around?

Surfing.

Yeah, I mean, I mean, hopefully if we had to be in a long.

Distance, I don't know why, that just sounded so suspicious to me. I was like, what are you talking about? I don't know. Okay. And then finally, let's wrap up with talking a little bit about plans for the future. So a lot of people in our community said it's really important to have a plan for how long you're going to be long distance. And of course, this isn't doable for every circumstance. Sometimes we're just dealing with life stuff and we don't have exact set timelines. But a lot of people said, you know, if possible, just knowing the time span of how long you're going to be long distance can make it a lot more manageable. And a lot of people mention in particular that, like, one year felt like kind of the max that they felt able to do. And again, of course, this is really going to vary from person to person and circumstance to circumstance. But I think that general idea of having a sense of, like, how long are we going to do this for? Can make it a lot more manageable. We also got a really interesting tip from somebody about how to navigate. Like, let's say you're living in different cities and One person decides to move to the other person's city. And so they gave the advice that it worked really well for them for their partner to move to their city, but to get a separate apartment. And for them, they were like, you know, there's just so much pressure when your partner changes their location for you and then moves into your space, where.

It'S like, oh, like, okay, we're doing this now. It's like, we're all in.

Yeah, we're all in. Or even, like, if the two of you get another place together, it's like you have your life. If in your town or city, you have all your people and your friends and your activities and stuff like that. And the. So there's this imbalance where the other person doesn't have that yet. And for them. And again, this is unique. Maybe it's not gonna work for everybody, but they were like, it worked really well for my partner to move into their own place initially, like, kind of get their feet wet in this new place, create their own, you know, routine and all of that, but just to, like, have a little bit of separation still. So it's not this, like, going from long distance to. Everything is merged.

Yeah. I think that's an especially good idea. If you don't have a history yet of living together previously. I think that might start to get. Feel a little tough. If it's like, well, hey, we're married, and we've been living together for five years, and now we're apart. We're not telling you, no, you cannot go back to living together. But I think that, yeah, it's important to recognize if you don't have a history of living together, living together is challenging. And most people who move in together have a history of sort of, like, quasi living together. Like, I know Vanessa and I definitely had this where we lived in the same city. We lived, like, four blocks away from each other, and we didn't share an apartment, but we effectively did. Like, one of us would spend the night at the other's apartment almost every night. And so we had a pretty good picture of what living together was like. If that is not your situation, then, yeah, going from, like, 0 to 60 is gonna probably feel really overwhelming.

And finally, a lot of people said, like, setting goals for your future together. So recognizing that the long distance part is a temporary phase and being able to make these bigger plans of, like, okay, are we going to get married? Are we going to buy a home together? Are we going to have kids? Are we going to travel the world together? Are we going to open a business together. But just, just like looking ahead to the future is a great way to help you get through the challenges of being long distance in the present.

Yeah, I think, I think that's really important because when you are more in person, I think it's more, it's easier for those goals and aspirations and stuff to just feel more self evident because you're kind of like, okay, we're here, we're both working towards this thing together. That topic comes up more naturally and I can understand how it'd be feel easier to want to shy away from those conversations when you're apart because it's like, okay, well how can we like really be building, you know, how can we be trying to buy a house together when we're not even sure like when we're going to be living together or what city we're going to be living in? But I think it's even more important because otherwise it can just feel like this long distance relationship is like a limbo. Like, where are we, where are we going with this? When is the plan to get back together? And then when we get back together, there's like no plan for what comes next after. After that.

All right, well, that wraps up our tips for long distance relationships. We mentioned a bunch of different resources for you. So again we will put the links for these in the show notes. For the episode we have our book, Sex Talks, Dirty Talk 101, our ultimate foreplay guides, and next level, Intercourse.

And if you love this episode, we would love it if you would leave us a five star review on Apple Podcasts. In fact, we're so appreciative of people who leave us reviews on Apple Podcasts that we actually do a review of the week giveaway every week. So if your review is picked from Apple Podcasts, we and we read it aloud, you will win a prize, one of our little masterclasses, which is super fun. You can also leave star ratings on Spotify, which is super helpful. So whatever platform you're on, definitely smash that follow button. Leave us a five star review. Whether it's just stars or a written review, this week's review of the week is. I love Pillow Talks. I'm a relatively new listener, but I love it and I'm enjoying the backlog of episodes. Vanessa and Xander are so real and authentic. Listening to Pillow Talks is like having conversations with your friends that you wouldn't normally have with your friends. It's like therapy, experimentation and a fun chat all wrapped up in podcast form. Thank you, Marins.

Oh, thank you so much for that great review. All right, well, that is all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. And join us again next week. Our episode is going to be called Is this your Shit or Mine? And we have some very interesting stories sent in by you guys that we are going to dissect in the episode.

Intriguing.