EPISODE 171: Your Funniest Stories About Getting “The Talk”

So some kids at school said a boy's privates goes inside a girl's privates to make a baby. Is that true?

I'm not sure.

Well, did you and dad have to do that to have us?

I don't remember.

I don't remember. Oh, my God.

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience. Experience.

And I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Go to Zocdoc.comPillow and download the Zocdoc app for free. It's time to have the talk with your kid. If you are like most parents, you're sweating already.

Oh, God.

There are so many big questions that come up around this. Like, when do I start? Oh, God, what do I tell my kids?

Oh, no, this is.

You're sounding too sexual here.

Oh no, what would I be sexual about? Oh, no, it's happening.

I mean, I can think of one thing that you might be worried about. Let's start over. If you're like most parents, there are so many questions that come up for you. Like, when do you start these conversations? What are you supposed to say? Like, what's age appropriate information to tell your kid? Like, how do you find that balance between kids giving them enough information but not scarring them for life with too much information? How do you teach them not to feel shameful about sex but also not to, like, rush into having sex or think of it too casually? And a lot of us bring a lot of our own baggage into these conversations too. Like, how am I supposed to have this conversation with my kid if I never got a talk with my parents? Or my parents gave me a terrible talk. And I know I don't want to do that, but I also don't know what's the alternative.

Yeah, you don't have any good example.

And we ourselves might be struggling as adults with. With our own, like, shame, embarrassment, general sense of awkwardness and discomfort with sex.

Maybe even things you haven't figured out entirely. When it comes to sex?

Yeah. Or maybe you and your partner, like, don't talk about it openly in your own relationship. And on top of all of that, there are, like, more and more complex and nuanced and tricky topics to talk about with your kid. How do you talk to your kid about porn? How do you talk to them about consent, about not pressuring each other about pleasure? Like, there's so many challenges that can come up with this conversation. Now we know that when it comes to sex, it is so easy to feel very alone. So we thought we'd do something a little bit different with this episode and share stories of getting the talk. So we turned to our Instagram community. We said, tell us your story of how you learned about sex for the first time. And we got so many. I think in the end, it was over 400 or 500 submissions. Our team, like, really had to sift through them and try to find the. The best ones. We do have a lot of funny ones in here. Like, we know it's a. It's a heavy topic, like I was just saying. So we thought we'd lighten the mood a little bit, have some laughs about some of the funny things that we thought about sex, but also really sharing with you. Like, some motivation to actually have these conversations with your kids. You do not want to have the kinds of conversations that you're going to hear in a moment. You do not want to have these with your kid. And I think, like, laughing at them or thinking through, like, ooh, what would somebody's life look like if that's what they learned about sex? Like, it does give you this motivation to have that talk, to know, like, this is gonna be hard. I might be a little embarrassed. I might not get it totally right. But, like, I want to do better for my kid.

At least we're gonna know what not to do coming out of this today, right?

We will know plenty of what not to do.

Yeah. Well, we'll point out some of the egregious things to make sure you don't do. But first, if you are already champing at the bit, I said it right?

Champing. Oh, that's right. We did it.

It is not chomping at the bit. If you're already champing at the bit for this, would you do us one quick favor before we get into the rest of this episode? And that is smash that. Five stars on Apple, on Spotify, whatever platform you're on. And if you are on Apple podcasts, we would love it if you would scroll to the bottom of our podcast page and enter just a super short quick review talking about how much you love our podcast. That helps us out so much. It helps us grow, it helps us get featured, it helps new people who are finding our podcast know that we are a legit real podcast. So we would be so appreciative of you. And if you do do that, leave a review. You will be entered in our review of the week giveaway. So meaning if you hear your review read on the podcast, then DM us on Instagram, we will send you a free prize just for leaving us an awesome day.

It's a free prize. It's a free paid prize.

Yeah, not a paid prize, guys. That's pretty cool. So this week's review of the week helped my dad bedroom. After being pregnant and or nursing for almost 10 years straight, on top of having high needs kids who don't sleep, our love life and relationship was rocky. I found your podcast and I can't tell you what a difference it has made for us. My husband listens now too, which is a big win. Not only has it helped in the bedroom, but it has improved our communication as well. Between the podcast and the book, our relationship is back on track and we are more in love than ever.

Oh, that's such a sweet review. Love to hear that. And if you are interested in dead bedrooms, stay tuned until the very end of the episode because we actually have a little bit of news about that too. Okay, so let's get into it. We thought that we would start with telling our version of the talk because people always ask us about this. So mine took place in my parents forest green minivan driving back home from Thursday night dinner at grandma's house. I was like 11 or 12 at the time and my parents, my mom was driving. She looks at me in the rear view mirror. I'm sitting in that middle seat of the van right behind her.

Not even face to face.

Not even face to face. She looks at me in the rearview mirror and she says, if you have any questions about, you know, sex. And she whispers it. She doesn't say the word fully. Sex, you can ask us. And it was very clear to me in that moment. Despite only being 11 or 12 years.

Old, despite only being able to see.

Her eyes, just her eyes in the rearview mirror.

You saw the fear in her eyes.

I knew that what she was really saying was, please for the love of God, do not ask us anything. We do not want to talk about this.

Well, I mean, because first of all, she can't even say the word sex.

She can't. And that was really confusing to me in and of itself. It was like, okay, why is this such an embarrassing topic to talk about? And why are you telling me that? I can ask questions, but I know that I'm not actually supposed to ask questions. I was super confusing as a kid and it made sex feel like this scary taboo thing that we're not allowed to talk about. And I always have had a great relationship with my parents. We talked openly about everything. And so for me, it was particularly confusing of, like, why is this like the one thing that we can't talk about? And I also did have a lot of questions. I was starting to hear things on the playground at school. I was very curious about sex. I wanted to be able to talk about it. I actually just. I think that previous week I had lost a bet with my friend Nikki B. On the playground at school. We had bet about how many holes a lady has down there.

Classic. You know what? I lost this bet in college. I was really drunk and not thinking straight. I'm gonna blame it on the alcohol, but I was wrong and I was made fun of for that.

As you should be.

As I should have been.

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Pillow okay, I was only 11 or 12, but Nikki was a boy. And I was like, I clearly know how many holes a lady has down there. I'm a girl, you're a boy. But I guess too, I thought that there was a pee hole. Like your pee hole and your vagina were the same thing. And then you had your poop hole and that was it. Two holes. And he was like, no, Vanessa, there's a vagina. I think he actually even knew the names. He's like, there's your butthole, there's your vagina and your. He probably said pee hole. I don't think he knew urethra.

I mean, it sounds to me like Nikki had just probably had, like, parents that gave him some really good talks about sex and gave him some real accurate information. And he was like, I am going to take advantage of this new knowledge that I have. I am going to win some money.

Yeah. And he did. He took a whole dollar off of me. And that was a lot of money back in the day at your age. $. And. And I was embarrassed about, like, not knowing my own body. So I did, though, in the moment when my parents asked, I kind of sat with that discomfort for a moment. But my. My poor little, like, poor little Vanessa, her curiosity was so strong that even in those horrible circumstances, I did get up the courage to ask a question. And I asked, when a man and a woman have sex, like, how does it get in there? Like, does it just, like, does it just go in like two mag. That's what I thought it was like two magnets. And I think we have to say.

Did you say instead of it? Did you say the penis?

I don't remember. But I did ask about the mechanics of it. And my mom got very embarrassed and flustered and said, it just goes in. And so I remember, like, when I started having intercourse, I was very confused about, like, wait, like, it's not just going in the magnets are not working. What's going on?

Oh, no.

And when I had, like, partners who would use their. Even for years of being sexually active, like, if they were using their hand as you need to, to, like, figure out where to go, I was really confused about, like, does this mean something's wrong with me, that it's not just going in? Why do they have to use their hand? It was very confusing. So that was it. That was my one and only conversation. I'm the oldest of three siblings. I know my. They did better for each sibling. My siblings got books, they got multiple conversations, but I just got the one talk in the van.

Yeah, well, I mean, you went to college first, and they found out that you were being. You were a human sexuality major. And they were like, oh, God, I see what we've done here. We better. We better shape up.

Really. I mean, they were having the conversation with my siblings way before I went to college. But really, if you want the motivation to have the talk with your kid, it could be because they'll turn into a sex therapist if you don't.

Hey, that's not a bad thing. I love my sex therapist wife. I think it is pretty awesome to be married to a sex therapist.

All right, what is your. What was your version of the talk?

You know, I think that I do want to give my parents some credit, and they may. They might be listening to this. I'm not sure if you are, guys. I'm curious to hear your version, you know, if you want to call me and let me know. But. So I think that they probably did do a good job about the sort of, like, mechanics of sex, just like, like, conception and how bodies work. I feel like I was not super confused about that stuff about just, like, the mechanical aspects of it. I, you know, didn't have any misconceptions from an early age about, like, you know, stork delivering babies or anything like that. So I knew that part. And I do think that from, I want to say, like, fifth grade, I think that we had some, you know, kind of like light sex ed in school where we would watch videos about, you know, you're changing bodies and whatnot. And so all that stuff, you know, it's very focused on mechanics, how it actually works, how childbirth works, how pregnancy works, et cetera. So I felt, like, pretty comfortable about that. And I think that even. We probably had some discussions at home, like, after I would see those movies in school. So that part was all, I think, probably normal to good. However, I don't think we. There was not really any discussion about like, sex as it related to me or, you know, anyone I might be wanting to do it with. Nothing about sex or masturbation or any. Or porn or, you know, any of those other topics. I do think. I don't know how old I was. Probably like 14 or 15. I want to say. My dad kind of sat me down once. I remember exactly where we were sitting at the dining room table. It was. I was old enough where I was like, horribly embarrassed about it. So, like, that's a sign. It was probably too late. I was horribly embarrassed about it. I felt like I already knew enough. And my dad, I don't think he really said that much to me. I feel like he was trying to. I think giving him credit, he was trying to send me a message about like, how, like, I should. I shouldn't. Like, guys can be overly worried about penis size. And somehow what I took away from that was, oh, I better be worried about this or something. I was like, what? Like, what is my dad trying to tell me? It was kind of confusing. And so, yeah, just not a great experience. I think I came away more anxious, honestly. I got the. Thank God for my friend's parents, this guy Jordy that I was friends with in middle school. His parents had gotten him one of those books, you know, like for preteens or, you know, young teenagers or something kind of like. And it was sort of like written by older teens for younger teens. And so there's a lot of like, stories of, you know, like, kids own experiences and stuff. And I remember a number of times, like, being over at his house and like, reading a lot of that book, but like, trying like, I wanted to read all of it, but it was also, you know, I had to like, kind of like quickly read little bursts of it because it was like, you know, kind of weird to be at someone's house and be like, hey, dude, I'm just gonna read this book for two hours. So. But I mean, thank God for that. Honestly, that's where I kind of like, just understood a lot of like, okay, these are the types of activities that people do. This is how it works. Like, this stuff is nor this is how it happens.

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You are not alone in that. That is, I think, a very common idea. I mean, yeah, I can totally understand this as a kid from an anatomical perspective, kind of makes sense. You are. Yeah, you are. If you know, you're looking at your vulva, you don't necessarily see that there's a hole that goes deep inside. What you see is more of. I mean, yeah. What you see more of is like, oh, yeah, okay, I understand how this could be like a hot dog, hot dog bun situation. All right. Another person said, my single parent dad took me, a 14 year old female, out to a Dakota steakhouse to give me the talk. Oh, wow. I feel like going to a restaurant already. I haven't even read the rest of this already. This is a bad idea. I can see how the dad maybe thought this was a great idea because your daughter can't like run away to her room or like, you know that she's gonna be embarrassed, but you know that she's also not gonna make a scene out at a restaurant. Right? So I can see how it was like, oh, this is, this is a good idea. Like, she's gonna be stuck here with me and she's gonna have to listen. But I can also see how this could just go horribly wrong. All right, He's a loud guy and it was a loud restaurant. So his voice was booming as he tried really hard to talk me through it. Points for effort, but that was horrifying.

Oh, yeah, that's. That's a tough one for sure.

Yeah. I would imagine that you were sitting there, you were hearing it, but you were more thinking about the volume of his Voice and what other people around you were hearing. And I bet you. I bet you probably didn't take very much away from that conversation.

I would have loved to be the people at the next table. Like, overhearing that. That'd be so fun.

Oh, I mean, you are. Your superpower is, like, being able to overhear conversations whenever we're out at dinner. Especially, like, a fancy place where it's like, you know, a lot of date nights, Vanessa's always like, oh, my God, can you, like, hear this couple next to us? And, like, I can never hear it. I can barely even tell what song is playing on the speaker. You know, the background music in the restaurant. But, yeah, Vanessa's a champ.

Okay, here's the next one. My best friend's mom once told her and I not to use condoms because if we did, they would stretch us out, and one day our husbands would just slide right in, and that's no fun.

What?

I cannot fathom a parent telling their child not to use condoms.

Yeah, especially, like, a teenager child. Like, you're just inviting a teen pregnancy here.

Oh, that's horrible.

Wow.

Don't do that.

Yeah, please, please don't do that. Let's. Let's teach about proper protection and.

And proper decision making.

Yeah, Proper decision making.

A lot of parents don't, you know, of course you want your kid to wait. You want them to be in a committed relationship for there to be love and trust. Like, you want. You want your kid to have a good first experience. Right. So that makes sense. And you absolutely can teach your kid great decision making skills without terrifying them about the potential consequences of sex and without giving them completely inaccurate, horrible information that is way more likely to lead to some serious consequences.

Yeah. Also, like, you don't. I mean, I'm not saying that you should terrify your kids. I understand why people might want to try to terrify their kids, but if you're gonna terrify your kids, terrify them about sex, not about the protection. That just doesn't make sense to me.

Well, but also, just don't terrify your kids.

Yeah, also, just don't do it. Don't do it at all.

Please don't.

Okay, here's a doozy. My 9th grade health teacher told us female bodies are a drain and that we'd get pregnant no matter what form of sex we had. Anal sex, you have a crack in your butt so the semen would drain down into your vagina. Oral sex, you have a space between your breasts. What? I've never seen that. So semen can travel down your front. Down to your vagina.

Wow. You the health teacher, too.

This should not be. This should not be legal.

It should not.

This should not. Like this. This person should go to jail for that. That is horrible.

That's really horrible. And so shameful, too. Like, I mean, as women, we get taught so much crap about our bodies. Like, to teach little girls that their bodies are like a drain. Like, that's gross. All I think of is, like, you know, a clogged drain. The hair is getting stuck in it. Like, having to put drain. It's just not a. It's not a flattering comparison at all. And also, this is, of course, like, completely, like, medically factually incorrect.

Oh, God. Also, was this a male or female health teacher? I feel like this was a man. I feel like this was a man. I hate to say it. I have trouble believing that any woman would be able to say that. But who knows?

All right. My mom told me the boy pees into the girl.

Oh.

I guess she was like, let me not try to explain. Semen. I was horrified. My mom denies this ever happened, but it's burned into my memory.

I love how she did, like, how she denies it.

I didn't say that.

I never said that.

I mean, I know it's tough to. Yeah. To explain. Ejaculation, semen, you know, definitely one of those things where parents are like, well, I'm not sure, like, what is age appropriate to say, but telling your kid.

That, it's kind of like.

I mean, peeing into you, like, that's not. That's not a. I wonder.

I wonder. I do wonder if the mom did describe it. The. The daughter maybe didn't understand entirely, and so she was trying to, like, give an example. Like, oh, it's kind of like that, you know, like, pee comes out. Like, something else comes out. And then what she took away was just like, oh, so he pees in.

Or maybe this was a way to make sex seem gross. Like, he pees in you, and you're like, ew, I don't want to do that. Gross.

All right. Well, another person said, when I was a teenager, my mom made me listen to a book on CD about how masturbation is a sin out loud. And while with her in a minivan on the way to school.

The book on cd taking me back. Yeah, masturbation is not a sin. Great way to. Great way to get to know your body, understand what you like. But, yeah, another minivan horror story here.

Yeah, I bet there's a lot of minivan horror stories.

Okay. I grew up in Mexico on a state next to the border, so I got to watch a lot of American programming before moving here. My family is super Catholic, and I went to a Catholic school. Growing up, sex was never talked about. At a retreat for my quinceanera, which was a requirement if you wanted a mass, they showed us a very graphic video of an abortion. It was never mentioned how the baby got there to begin with. After being traumatized by this video, I asked my dad how someone could get pregnant. He said, you could get pregnant just by kissing someone. Which traumatized me even more because actors in soap operas kiss. So how are they not getting pregnant?

Oh, boy.

So many things. So many things here. Yeah. A graphic video of an abortion. Definitely not something that children should watch. That's. You know, there are much different ways to talk to kids about safe sex and pregnancy prevention. And then the double whammy of dad saying, you can get pregnant just by kissing somebody. But I like how she said, I'm traumatized because of the soap operas. Not like, I was afraid because I had kissed boys or, like, I wanted to kiss someone or something like that. The soap operas. What about the soap operas? My telenovelas.

This reminds me of another story from your family.

Oh, yeah. My family is also Mexican and also Catholic and has a lot of probably very similar beliefs about sex. And so my great grandma had 13 children, and she had a conversation with my mom where she was. She. I don't know how the conversation started, but she insisted that she had never been kissed. And my mom was like, grandma, like, you have 13 kids. Of course you've been kissed. And she said, you don't have to be kissed to make a baby. And that was really sad.

Really sad.

So sad to think about my poor great grandma never being kissed.

Well, definitely it's not kissing that is making babies. We can be sure of that.

Do you think anybody was not sure of that?

I mean, the parents.

Thank you, Xander, for the clarification.

The parents of this person were clearly not entirely sold on the idea.

Oh, they know. They just didn't. They just are telling to her because they don't want her to have sex.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. All right, this one. Oh, I like. I like. How so our team member who put this together for us put them into little categories. So this one is titled Thomas the Train. I walked up to my mom doing her makeup and asked how babies get in mommy's bellies. She just froze and slowly turned and said, huh? I don't know, I'll have to think about it and let you know, hey.

That actually, that's an okay tactic.

That is an okay tactic. That's a great piece of advice. You don't have to answer a question immediately. It is okay to think about it. It is okay to say, let me gather some information, let me think, and get back to you. You do need to get back to your kids, though.

The next sentence is several weeks later. That's a bit long to make your kid wait.

Several weeks later, my whole family went on an outing to see Thomas the Tank Engine at an event. Then all three of my younger brothers and dad got to go on the train, and my mom takes me to this bench near the lake and pulls out a textbook with pictures of erect penises and vaginas and baby diagrams and explains way too thoroughly for my age how sex works. It was awful. And you didn't get to go in the train.

Thomas the train.

Oh, my God. I feel like you were probably resentful for years over that. You're like, instead of getting to go on a fucking train, I had to learn about sex in a way that I didn't even want to.

The next one is called Bill Clinton.

Oh, great.

I think we can all guess where this one's going to. When I was 15, ninth grade, my mother tried to talk to me about oral sex, which, by this point in time, I knew all I needed to know. Friends talk.

Lol.

But I played dumb. How did she bring it up? By asking me if I knew who Bill Clinton was.

Oh, man. This person is probably in our general age range. I mean, I mean, I remember just being at the very beginning of puberty when, like, the Kenna Starr report came out. And I just remember, like, seeing bits and pieces of it and just being, like, so confused about the, like, the cigar thing. Oh, my God. Like, like what? Like, why? Why? Why is he doing that? Why would you do that to somebody? Tastes good. Like, yeah. It took me a couple years to figure out, really, to fully understand, but I feel like that was just, like, the beginning of, like, kind of feeling like, ooh, like a sexual charge.

I will say, though, using current events as a way to open up conversations with your kids about sex, that is also a good technique. Like, there often are stories and media stuff and TV and movies that gives you opportunities to talk to your kids about sex. So I don't hate this. I do think it's funny because of, you know, the whole Bill Clinton story. But it's not a bad technique. So. And I. And let's give mom some kudos for wanting to talk about more nuances, too. Oral sex is just as important, valid as intercourse. I like it.

All right, this one's called touching butts. In the fourth grade, before my parents had the talk with me, I had a sleepover with a friend who said she learned at school how people got pregnant, that if a man touches a woman's butt, she will get pregnant. Fast forward a couple months. Oh, I can see where this is going. My cousins came over to my house, and my little boy cousin, that was probably five at the time, accidentally touched my butt. And I, no joke, thought I was pregnant for about four months in the fourth grade.

Four months? Oh, my God.

I want to emphasize the importance of parents talking to their children when they start to get curious and not when they hit puberty.

Oh, my God. Four months is such a long time for a kid to think you're pregnant.

That's scary. And you probably felt totally alone. I mean, obviously you didn't say anything to anyone, because if you had said something, you would have found out immediately that 0% chance you're pregnant. So that's really sad. You were really alone and scared and ashamed.

And this is some serious motivation for talking to your kids about sex because you don't know what kind of crap their friends are telling them. You gotta. You gotta be the one talking to them.

Oh, yeah. I mean, hey, this reminds me of a story, too. So I went to different stories. You know, obviously I went to a different school, seventh grade, middle school, like, from where I went to elementary school. And it was, like, not the school that my elementary school fed into. So it was, like, with all new people. And I remember very early in seventh grade, like, all the boys had a sleepover. All the boys in my class had a sleepover at someone's house. And there was this kid who had just moved to Santa Cruz, like, from another state, from, like, a bigger city. And so we were all like, oh, this kid, like, must be really cool because, like, he's from, like, you know, bigger, bigger town than we are, right? And he told us all about how, like, he had been having sex since, like, fifth grade and, like, had been having, like, all kinds of sex. And, you know, like, he was from, like, Santa Fe. New backstory was like, oh, yeah, in Santa Fe, like, everyone's having sex.

Santa Fe, the sexual capital of the.

US Sexual teen preteen capital. Because, I mean, fifth grade, man, that's way preteen. So, you know, no one had had any talks with me about sexual activity and when that actually starts. And I was just like, I 100 believed him and I think every other guy there did too. And he told us, like, oh, yeah, man, like, oh, like we're all gonna be like, having sex with girls, like in our class this year, like, and so all like, it was just this like whiplashy experience. I remember, I think I went into seventh grade being like, it would be so cool if I like kissed a girl this year. It would be so cool to kiss a girl. Then all of a sudden I was like, oh my God, like, I guess I'm gonna be like, having sex this year. And then it was like in eighth grade, he admitted to us all that he had lied and he was definitely still a virgin.

Oh, buddy. In case anyone was wondering, okay, I was like 8 years old and walked downstairs to my parents bedroom because I had a nightmare. Unfortunately, I walked in on them having sex and not really knowing what I was seeing beyond something that resembled the activity that would flash across the TV briefly before immediately having the channel changed and being scolded for watching something like that. I promptly yelled at them, you're going to hell.

Oh, smart. Obviously they've already had some conversations with this kid about sex, burst into tears.

And fled up the stairs. I was raised in a very evangelical Christian household, so naturally I believe that sort of activity would promptly land you in hell. Okay, I'm laughing because it's really funny. Just imagine, imagine you're the parents having sex and all of a sudden, like your kid is in the room yelling, you're going to hell.

In a really high pitched voice.

I was gonna really spoil the moment. So the, the image of it is funny. And at the same time, this is also really sad and very traumatizing for that kid to like walk in on this and think, like, my parents are going to hell, like they're doing this horrible forbidden activity. So again, like, it goes back to that idea of like, of course parents want their kids to wait and to have a, you know, a safe, pleasurable, connecting, intimate first time. But that's very different from teaching kids that sex is a sin, that it's something terrible, that there are going to be these horrible repercussions, like going to hell for it. Because this, this probably is like a very traumatizing memory for that person. And they probably did for very long afterwards, if not still to this day, battle with feelings of like, I'm gonna.

Go to hell or my parents are. And that's a scary idea too.

Cause here's One of the really tricky things about sex is the messages that we get taught about sex as kids once we become adults and we're, like, quote unquote, following the rules. So, like, let's say you get married and you're having sex, like, with your spouse. You can't just flip a switch on those thoughts. So it's not like you go from believing your entire life, sex is sinful. I'm gonna go to hell. It's this terrible thing, oh, now I'm married. It's great. I love it. I'm horny all the time. I have orgasms all the time. I, like, love sex. Like, that does not happen. Those beliefs that you're taught young, they get in early, they get in deep, and you carry that shame and trauma with you for the rest of your life.

Even if the message is. Even if the clear message is once you are married, it's fine.

Yeah. You know, you still hold on to that shame of, like, this is a horrible, shameful, dirty, taboo act. So, you know. Yeah. That's another reason we need to be so careful about the exact messages that we're giving.

All right, this person wrote this one as a dialogue.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

I'll play mom.

All right, so the context after hearing the truth from kids at school.

So you're playing the kid?

Yeah, so some kids at school. So some kids at school said, a boy's privates goes inside a girl's privates to make a baby. Is that true?

I'm not sure.

Well, did you and dad have to do that to have us?

I don't remember.

I don't remember. Oh, my God. Talk about freezing up. That is not gonna fly. That one is not.

Your kids know when you're bullshitting them. Kids have excellent bullshitting detectors. I can just imagine the look on a kid's face, mom being like, I don't remember.

I don't remember how I had you.

And then being like, you just showed up.

You just showed up one day.

So good. Okay. My son, maybe eight at the time, asked me what raping meant. I was horrified, but I figured he'd heard it somewhere, so better he gets the answer from me than elsewhere. So I explained it as much at his level as I could and talked about consent, etc. Once I was done with my long spiel, he just stared at me blankly and then asked, is raping one of those words that has two meanings? I was like, nope, definitely not. So I asked him where he heard the word and what he thought it meant. Turns out he meant vaping, not raping. Oh, no. Can you imagine your kid? Your kid comes back, like, you've probably heard something on the playground about, like, oh, all the cool kids are vaping, or something like, do you want to try vaping? And now he's hearing this long description. Oh, that's horrible. But major, major props to this parent, seriously, for talking them through. That is perfect example of one of those extremely tricky topics. So scary to talk to your kid about sexual assault and abuse. But, like, major props that you were like, okay, I'm freaked out. My kid's 8, and he's, like, learning about this already, but you walked him through it. Props to you. That's a big, big, big win. But, yeah, just a little confusion on the specific word.

And also, great job, too, of pivoting when it was, like, obvious that there was some disconnect in what you shared. And then instead of being like, instead. Cause I feel like a lot of people would just be like. Like, oh, my God. Well, that was so awkward. Let's just, like, end this conversation and pretend nothing happened. Instead, you got curious, and you were like, hold on. Tell me where you heard this. What do you think? What did you think it meant? So, I mean, you actually drilled down until you figured out and you turned this thing around. So many people would have just been like, oh, God, okay, well, my son's talking about raping, and that's what it is. And good for you. All right. On a less serious note, I've got two younger sisters, but the middle sister, three years younger than me, was adopted from China. When the next sister came along, six years younger than me and biologically my sister, I was very confused about how the baby got into my mom's body, because in my mind, babies came from airplanes. Totally logical. Totally logical. I get it.

At university, my sheltered female roommate somehow got into an argument with another roommate about penis sizes. She stormed into my room saying they were making stuff up to scare her and that there was no way a penis was comparable to a banana.

Depends what size thing I'm using.

A banana. There's some big bananas out there.

There are.

Okay. I asked her why she thought we had to use bananas to practice using condoms on in health class, and she went ghost white. Then in the faintest whisper, she gasps. I thought they were skinny like pencils. She still didn't want to believe us. So when one of the guys next door came in, she just shouted at him, are penises like pencils? And he just stood there in shock, unsure of what to do college, man.

This is, like, really the melting pot of. The melting pot of different ideas and different parenting approaches and just, like, the results in the kids all coming together and they were skinny, like, figuring it out.

I mean, we do have the term pencil dick. You know, kids throw that out. So I. I see how there's the misunderstanding.

Yeah. I mean, I do like the logic that, you know, that this person used of. Hey, I mean, you've seen what the condom looks like, right? Like, why do you think you're practicing on a banana? I'm not sure why. I'm not sure why this, you know, sheltered female roommate didn't think of that herself, but I'm glad that, you know, you helped sort her out. All right, moving on. I went to Catholic school, and they brought in a local dentist. Wait, are you kidding? Is it possible. Is it possible that this. This is a typo, that they really meant something else? Oh, my God. If this person is listening to the podcast, could you maybe contact us just to, like, give us more read on?

It was definitely not. It was not a typo.

Oh, my God. Okay, I'm gonna start back from the top. I went to Catholic school, and they brought in a local dentist. I shit you not to give the talk at an assembly with our parents in the cafeteria. Oh, great. Bring. Bring the parents in, too. That's gonna help make it effective. I guess they thought since he was some kind of medical professional, he was the best person for the job. Do they not have doctors in your town? They have dentists, but no doctors.

I mean, not to shit on dentists. You totally are medical professionals, but, like, you're not the best medical professional.

I mean, at least bring, like, a family practice doctor in. He used an overhead projector and drew weird stick figures and smiley faces on all the sperm and eggs he drew. Wow, man. So good. I got. I would love to hear from this dentist about what that experience was like, but who knows if that dentist is still around? Wow. That is. That's just next level. That is so next level. Like, what. What do you think if you're, like, a local dentist and some school calls you up and they're like, we need you to come talk about sex at our school. I'd be like, why? Why? Like, why are you asking me? Oh, man.

Okay. My mom explained an erection by telling me it's like trying to put uncooked. Oh, it's like trying to put uncooked versus cooked spaghetti noodles through a toilet paper roll.

Okay, okay, okay. You know what?

This horrible comparison, you know What?

I think this might be the mother of the pencil.

Pencil pen.

I think this might be the mother of the pencil penis.

Lady spaghetti. Okay, first of all, nobody wants to be a spaghetti noodle. And definitely nobody wants to be a toilet paper roll. Also, the sizes are just so.

I mean. Okay, the metaphor though, of just this. Yes, that is true. It is kind of hard to put a, you know, cooked spaghetti through there. Yeah. You know, uncooked spaghetti. That's, that's no problem. But I mean, the scale is wildly off.

The scale is so off. I'd be so confused being like, I have a toilet paper roll down there. Like, oh, my God. And then, yeah, spaghetti. That's a great one. And it ends with just oh, my ten year old self. And the mental picture of that.

Wow. Wow, wow, wow.

That was a good one.

That's a good one. All right, our next one is. Okay, can't believe I'm sharing this. I was about 15, 16 years old. I'm a female, and my dad had never had the talk with me ever, or even said anything sex related. I was reading a book in bed and masturbating, you know, just casually. And I left my door open to crack and my dad walked in and saw me. I was mortified to say the least. He quickly left and then we had dinner together. He randomly said, you know, sex, you must always use a condom and never get pregnant. That was the end of the worst day of my life.

Oh, it'd be so embarrassing to be walked in on by your dad. But hey, there's some props to go around here. Props to her for masturbating, exploring her body, figuring out what she liked.

Yeah, just casually. That's great.

Props while casually reading a book. And props to dad for realizing, you know, this is an opportunity to have a little conversation about sex. Maybe a bit more could have been said than, you know, sex. You must always use a condom and never get pregnant. But okay, we dealt with the worst day of your life as best as could be. All right. My mom brought my sister, then a sophomore in high school, and I, an eighth grader, into her bedroom, pulled out a six inch clear plastic dildo out from her sock drawer and set. This is the average size of an erect penis. They come in all shapes and sizes, but this is the most common. Okay, first, I have to clarify, Mom, 6 inches is not average. 5.2 is average. 6 is on the larger side.

Also, I like that they come in all shapes and sizes. That's great.

That's right. But is this like the first conversation.

You need to be prepared for this girl.

My sister groaned and buried her head under the blankets, yelling, where the heck did you get that? And why was it in your drawer? My mom replied, it's your granny.

Oh, blame Grandma. Why?

Don't worry, it's been disinfected. She let me borrow it to show you.

Oh, sure.

She did say it came in handy throughout her marriage. No Granny's vibrator, or. No, her dildo. Just a dildo. Oh, my God, that's really good. That's really good. Like, the conversation that had to have happened between mom and Grandma, like.

Or is she just lying? Is she just blaming it on Grandma? It's obviously the mother's dildo.

Do you think, why would you have your mom's. Why would you have your mom?

It just sounds like, why would you.

Lie and say it's your mom's? That's weird. Both options are really weird.

There's a lot of weirdness here. This mom really wanted to show her daughters what she thought the average penis size is going to be. For some reason, I'm not sure exactly why. Like, that was the most essential thing for them to know, but she really wanted that. But she doesn't feel comfortable. You know, she obviously didn't feel very comfortable talking about anything else, so why would she feel comfortable being like, let me show you my 6 inch clear plastic dildo?

I. Both options are bad. So, actually, come on over to Instagram. We're at Vanessa and Xander, and tell us, which scenario do you think is more likely here? Was it Mom's dildo and she's lying for some reason and saying it's Granny? Or was it actually Granny's dildo that mom decided to go borrow from her to show her daughters?

Yeah, she also pulled it out of her sock drawer. You don't keep your mom's dildo in your own sock drawer. Come on.

I don't know. I don't know. Let us know what you think.

Okay. Our next One is in first grade. I'm 41 now. I asked my mom what a condom was. She told me we'd talk about it when my dad got home from work. Delay. Great. So my dad gets home and I ask again. She was hoping you weren't gonna ask again.

Yeah, she hoped.

They sit me down and I get the whole talk about PNV and what goes where and how. Then. Oh, yeah, and you're six years old at this time, my dad says, and a condom is like a balloon that goes over the penis. So the fluids that come out of it don't go into the vagina and make a baby.

Great response, dad.

Love it.

They went. Did the whole talk. PNV went great. This is all great.

Okay, yeah, Me. Oh, I thought it was a place where you lived, like an apartment. Condo. I meant condo.

That's so cute. Oh, it's condo versus condom. It's an understandable mistake.

Vaping, raping, condo, condom. I mean, I think kids make a lot of these mistakes. They hear, you know, you hear a word, you say something that's very similar. You swap a letter out, you add a letter to the end. The problem is, for a first grader, you can't be like, okay, I. First, I want you to just, like, spell this. Spell the words for me, please, and use. Use it in a sentence so I can be sure of what you're talking about. But, you know, kind of. Yeah. I mean, props. Props that they went ahead with the conversation. They maybe went too far ahead and gave a little more than was age appropriate for someone who's six in first grade. But you did it. You did it. That's great. But I bet you felt pretty silly once you realized he was talking about a condominium.

Oh, man. All right, and then our final story is the infamous belly button sex story. If you have not heard this, it floats around on the Internet every couple of years, like, really picks up steam and then disappears for a little while. But there are a lot of people, and many of them are in the Mormon faith, but not all a lot of people who thought that intercourse happens in the belly button. And we actually got a number of submissions from people saying, like, I thought this was the case as well. And a lot of people said that it came from, like. Like, the whole baby grows in your belly type of thing. So you think, oh, belly, like, yeah, the belly button is the fastest way into it. Some people reference, like, the umbilical cord as well. Or, like, it feels like, yeah, it feels like that. But so many stories of people who were trying to have intercourse in the belly button. Like, the man's putting his penis into the woman's belly button. And women getting, like, hernias, really bad, like, injuries, irritations, like, from trying so hard to, like, make penetration happen there. We even heard stories from people who experienced infertility and didn't realize they were having intercourse incorrectly until finally an infertility doctor was like, okay, we've been trying at this, you know, for, like, over a year, two years now. Like, tell me how you guys are having intercourse. So I think that is really one of the best examples of why it's so important to talk to your kids and give them accurate information about how sex works. Because it's really just heartbreaking to think of people, you know, grown adults having sex completely in the wrong part of the body. Of course, it is also funny to imagine the logistics of like, what positions do you have to be in to like, get your penis lined up with a belly button? But also it's something, it's like, it's very sad too because it causes a lot of pain. It obviously causes infertility because there's no way you're creating a baby that way. It just, it's a mess all around.

I mean, I will say with our height difference, that would work quite well for us.

No, it would work better if I was taller.

Oh, shoot.

You'd have to be a lot shorter.

Yeah, never mind, never mind. My bad.

Belly button sex doesn't work out for anybody. So let's, let's clear up the misconception here that this is definitely not where penetration is supposed to be happening. All right, well, that wraps up our stories about the talk. Obviously, most sex talks leave a whole lot to be desired. And it's very likely that you yourself have experienced the harmful impact that this lack of proper sex education had on your own sex life. Like maybe you've made sexual decisions that you regret or have had relationships end because of sexual hangups or still struggle with feelings of shame, embarrassment or awkwardness around sexual. Bottom line is that we know that you want better for your kids. You want kids who have healthy, happy relationships with sex. So we have some really exciting news. We have been working on something for quite a while, something that you guys have been asking us for for literally years now.

Years and years and years.

And we decided to do it.

It's taken us a while, but we're finally, we're finally here. We're finally ready.

We want to help you have the talk with your kids in a way that you are proud of. And we want to help you equip your kids with the shame free, confidence boosting knowledge that they deserve. So we have been so busy working on building our newest product, how to talk to your kids about sex. And we are doing something really special. We are getting an early bird round of parents to go through the course all together. We're going to give you incredibly special and very exclusive early bird pricing that you are never going to see ever again. So you are going to be like the first group of people to go through this course to learn all these valuable tools and resources and get your kids set up for having that incredibly healthy and happy relationship with sex that they deserve to have.

And you're going to get to do it live with us. We're going to be showing up for six calls, video calls, where we're going to be talking through the course content and answering your questions. So if you are in this first group of parents to go through this with us, you are actually going to have a hand in almost like, developing the course material, because we're going to be taking your questions, we're going to be making sure that everything you are asking is getting answered in the course, whether it's in the Q and A, whether it's in the upcoming content that we're going to cover in the coming weeks. So it's just an incredible opportunity to get in on the ground floor with us and, like, have a really fun interactive experience.

Yeah. So we are going to cover five different modules that we think are absolutely crucial conversations that you need to have with your kid. We've got bodies, mechanics and conception, safety and boundaries, media and porn, diversity and identity and decision making, connection and pleasure. So, like Xander said, we have a ton of information that we're going to share with you. Specific scripts of exactly what to say to your kids and when. We have it broken down by age group so that you can see, like, if your kid is five and under, if your kid is six to nine, like, what are the specific things they need to know by that age? And yes, I did just say five and under, because there are ways to start talking to your kids about sex as young as 2 or 3 years old.

Yeah. And turning this into a topic that doesn't feel scary. So you're avoiding this entire dynamic that so many of us have experienced where you don't say anything until your kids are of a certain age where they're already feeling super embarrassed and not wanting to be in on this conversation. They're already not wanting to bring their questions to you. That's, like, such a big mistake that so many people make. And so. So, yeah, we want to teach you a way to do this so that from a very early age, your kids are used to talking about this with you. Your kids trust you, they're bringing questions to you. And even if your kids are older, we are still going to talk to you about how you can, at any age, start to change the dynamic that you have around this topic.

Yeah. Don't panic. If your kid's like, 14 and you're like, holy crap, I should have been talking to them all these years. Like, it's okay. So many parents wait until their kids are teenagers to start talking about this for the first time.

So it's not too late.

It's never too late. We are going to give you all the tools and resources you need for your kid at any age. And we've also really made a commitment to making this information as accessible as possible, too. So you can join the calls, you can watch the recordings, and we'll also have detailed cheat sheets. So if you just want to skim if your kid asks you a question and you just need a word for word script that you can use to answer, like, we will have all of that and we already have like dozens and dozens of specific, tricky questions that your kid might ask and exactly how to answer them. Like, what do you do if your kid comes home and says, like, what's 69? Or why are all the kids making weird moaning noises at school? Or will it hurt? Or what's a wet dream? We've got it all covered for you. Word for word scripts that you can steal. And of course, if you're joining this very first round, you will have the opportunity to get coached by the two of us. We will answer your specific questions. I think we've got a lot of the questions covered already. But of course, kids will always throw some real curveballs at you.

Oh, yeah, we want those. We want those curveballs.

So you will get the chance for us to directly answer your question and give you even more personalized coaching and feedback for your unique family. So if you want to join this, this early round, the very first round of it, get that exclusive pricing that you are never going to see again. You can go straight to vmtherapy.com talks and if you sign up before August 31st, we are going to give you an incredibly special gift as our little way of rewarding you for being willing to get these tools and resources and have these conversations with your kid. Because let's face it, it, you're busy, right? Like, we don't have a ton of extra time. And even if you know that this is an important thing that you need to talk about with your kid, it still can feel kind of overwhelming. Like, oh, my God, this is another thing I have to put on my to do list. So we wanted to do something special for you and your partner. We are giving you our course, Rediscovering Us Intimacy and Sex for Parents, absolutely free. The value of that course, like it currently sells on our website for more than the exclusive early bird pricing of how to talk to your kids about sex. So it's an incredible deal, an incredible gift, something special that can feel like a reward for the two of you that you get some tools and resources for your own relationship. It's really tailored to parents, so we're super excited to give that to you. That is only if you sign up before August 31st so you can go directly to vmtherapy.com talks. We will also put that link in the show notes so you can just hop on over there and click it directly. But we would be so excited to welcome you into this first round of Parents. We are so fired up about this course. Like, join us and let's break the generational shame cycle around sex together.

All right, and that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about bringing toys into the bedroom.