EPISODE 172: Bring Sex Toys Into Your Bedroom (Without Making It Weird)

Like, you can use a screwdriver and you can also use a drill. And there are different scenarios when each one is appropriate. But, like, nobody would ever look at somebody using, like, a power drill and be like, ugh, bro.

Like, ugh.

You really should do that by hand. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience.

Just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had.

Hey, want to use a toy?

I know. I was like, there's nothing I can think of for this intro other than, like, tonight we're talking about toys.

Do you like toys? You want a boy? You want a toy? You want to go to Toys R Us? Toys are what we take you down to Toy Town.

I think now we have to start the episode like this, just Xander creepily whispering, you want to go? Hey, want a toy?

Want to go to Toys R.

I don't like it. We're just sitting here, like, trying to think of a creative or interesting way to start this episode. And Xander just went to.

All I can think of are absolute creep zone, absolute dirt.

Bill, that's gross. Hey, wanna play a game? I don't wanna hear it anymore. I don't want to hear it.

Show me your toys, I'll show you mine. No.

Nobody's gonna wanna use toys in the bedroom after listening to the intro of this episode. Okay, today we're talking about toys in the bedroom. So sex toys, in case.

In case you weren't sure, not dog.

Toys, not child toys, sex toys in the bedroom. And we'll get into, like, what the options are for sex toys in a minute. But as always, we started by asking our trusty Instagram community to let us know what the deal is in their relationship.

If you're not following us, how many people are actually using these things?

If you're not following us on Instagram, we're at Vanessa and Xander. Definitely come check us out there. We do all kinds of polls for these episodes and, of course, have tons of fun other content there too. So first we asked how many people use sex toys in the bedroom? And we found that just about half of couples do. We had a couple of different categories. Frequently, slash, always do. That was 24%. 30% said sometimes do, and 46% said they rarely or never do. So.

Yeah, so it's actually more than half of people. Yeah.

54% use toys somewhat frequently, and a.

Quarter of people are using them, like, almost always.

That's quite a lot.

Yeah, one. One in four couples. That's a. That's a good number.

Uh, we also asked, have you ever wanted to bring a toy into the bedroom but worried about your partner's potential response? 44% of people said yes.

So that might account for the 46% who say they rarely or never use them. Right. Yeah.

That's a very interesting similar number there. So we're going to get into that in this episode as well.

So pretty. Perhaps I might venture a guess to say that a lot of people in relationships are curious or maybe wanting to try, but hesitant to do so. Like, because of their partner. Because of their partner. Not necessarily because of their partner, but because they're worried about what their partner may or may not say.

We think sex toys can be such a great addition to the bedroom. So we decided to do an entire episode about how to bring toys into the bedroom. So first, let's talk about, like, why use sex toys? What is the point of it? And there are a lot of benefits. So the most obvious one is just more stimulation. And this is especially important for women in relationships with men because the ways that we have been socialized to have sex in male, female relationship very, very heavily prioritize male pleasure. So there are a lot of women who say that they don't get a lot of stimulation or sensation out of sex. A lot of women not having orgas. So that's another great reason to bring in a toy to help balance out the orgasm gap.

You know, that just got me thinking. We hadn't talked about this before, but do you want to share with our audience what kind of, like, the history of sex toys or like, vibrators specifically are? Why do they even exist? What were they used for in the first place?

Oh, I mean, vibrators have a very interesting history. I definitely recommend looking it up. I might butcher it a little bit. But essentially, vibrators were initially created to cure hysterics.

They were prescribed by male doctors for women.

So hysteria was thought to be like this way back in the day, like, this disease of the uterus. And so doctors thought at the time that the way to cure hysteria was just, like, overly emotional, you know, Women.

Yeah.

Or like, women experiencing emotion. Oh, my God.

Yeah. Or being, like, being Overwhelmed or anxious or like unhappy in a domestic situation, basically. Right.

Yeah. So anyways, doctors, male doctors, decided that the cure for hysteria was to give women orgasms. Because shockingly, after these women had orgasms, they were so much more relaxed and happier and experiencing all these positive benefits. So initially, treatment for hysteria involved going into the doctor's office and the doctor would manually stimulate you to orgasm. But this became so labor intensive, some.

Doctors, some sore forearms. Yeah. Poor men couldn't handle it.

They decided to create some sort of vibrating toy that could deliver that same sort of stimulation without the doctor having to work so hard for his paycheck. So that is how vibrators were initially created.

My God. Imagine like going into the doctor for an orgasm.

I mean, sounds good to me. Like to put orgasm as a prescription. Well, yeah, but you have to orgasm. No, I don't want to have my doctor make me orgasm.

Also probably super messed up because at the same time it was like, not really. You know, it's kind of. There's like a power dynamic. Your doctor is telling you, you need to have an orgasm, and I am going to intimately stimulate you basically, whether you want to or not. Because I'm the doctor. I'm telling you what you need and I'm going to do it.

Yeah, I mean, it's. It's a weird history.

It's.

But anyways, looking back to why you stories, it creates, you know, just creates more stimulation. It creates a different kind of sensation as well. So the great thing about toys is that they create a kind of sensation that we can't physically replicate with our hands or mouths or bodies, which is pretty cool in and of itself. Toys can be amazing with people with different levels of ability. You know, we've had people reach out to us that say, I have arthritis or mobility issues or my partner does. Yeah, my partner does. Like, I can't touch myself or my partner can't touch me for a really long period of time. So for a lot of people, like, a vibrator allows them to get stimulation that they might not physically be able to create otherwise, it can make sex go faster. You know, some people complain about, like, oh, it just feels like I take a really long time to orgasm. And while on the one hand, like, we want to get away from this idea that sex is something that should, you know, that we should need to orgasm super fast, I think the vast majority of people are too, especially women are too anxious about, like, oh, I'm taking too long. This is so fresh and annoying. You know, I think, however long your body wants to feel pleasure is however long your body wants to feel pleasure. And we're also realists. Like, I know a lot of people. You know, some people will tell us like, it takes me 30 minutes to reach an orgasm. And like, I don't have 30 minutes every single time that I want to be intimate. Like, it just feels like a long time.

So especially if it takes your partner like two minutes and it takes you 30 minutes and then you're kind of feeling like, okay, what are we doing?

Yeah. So it can be a nice way to like balance out that orgasmic timing and like I talked about already too, like balance out the orgasm gap to make sure that in male female relationships, women get to have as many orgasms as men do. Aside from sex, one of my other biggest passions in life is skincare. And especially as I get older, it is so important to me to have high quality skin care that actually works. Which is why I'm so excited to introduce you to Oneskin. Oneskin has developed a skincare line that targets changes where they start your skin cells. Oneskin's topical supplements are powered by their proprietary peptide OS1, scientifically proven to target the dysfunctional senescent cells that start to accumulate around age 30. So these are the cells that make skin dull, dry, more prone to lines and wrinkles. Plus, all of One Skin's products for the face and body, including their new mineral sunscreens are backed by lab and clinical studies and more than 8,000 five star reviews. In a third party 12 week clinical study performed by third party research organization OS One Face was clinically proven to stre, strengthen the skin barrier, improve skin health markers and diminish visible signs of aging. Wrinkles were diminished in 87% of users. For a limited time you can try One Skin for 15% off using the code PILLOW when you check out at One Skin co. Start your new scientifically proven skincare routine today with One Skin. And another thing that I really like about them is it's a very simplified routine. This is not like a 15 step whole process that takes like 45 minutes every single night. Like these are very streamlined yet effective products. One Skin is the world's first skin longevity company. By focusing on the cellular aspects of aging, One Skin keeps your skin looking and acting younger for longer. Get started today with 15% off using Code Pillow at One Skin co. That's 15% off OneSkin co with Code Pillow. After you purchase, they're going to ask you where you heard about them support pillow talks and tell them that we sent you.

It can also help give confidence to people with performance issues. So in like, a very heteronormative example, if you have a man who is struggling to last very long or maybe struggling to get it up, it can give them some confidence of, like, hey, I know I can still bring my partner a lot of pleasure. If we bring this toy in, that takes some pressure off of you. Whether that's pressure of, like, I need to last really long or, like, I need to get it up right now, or if I've lost my erection, like, I've ruined our sexual experience, often most of those performance issues actually will go away on their own. Once you are able to rid yourself of that anxiety of, like, oh, my God, I'm responsible for this situation going sideways, because all you need to do is, hey, I got this. We got this toy. We know exactly what to do with it. I know how to bring my partner a lot of pleasure. And as soon as you start seeing them enjoying themselves and having a great time, very often, boom, your desire comes right back and you're ready to go again.

It's also novelty. Like, it's another option to put on the menu. Something different to do to kind of spice things up can help people, like, get out of ruts or routines. So, you know, even if it's not something that you do all the time, like, it can feel fun and exciting every once in a while. To bring a new toy into the bedroom. We also asked our Instagram community, like, has bringing sex toys into the bedroom made your sex life better? This same or worse? So these answers were really interesting. Only 1.4% of people said worse.

Wow.

4.6 said about the same, and a whopping 94% said better.

That's a ringing endorsement.

It was exactly what I was going to say. Ringing endorsement.

It doesn't get much stronger than that.

94%. That's wild.

Yeah, man. That. Yeah, I'm. Yeah, that 1.4%. Like, I'm. I'm curious about that, but that's so. That's so small. I mean, that's pro. Someone that just didn't.

Didn't like sex toys.

Yeah. Didn't like sex toys. And that's. We'll talk about that. Yeah, we'll talk about that. That's totally normal. Or, you know, or. I don't know, it started a fight or something. We'll talk about the dynamics that can come up around that too.

My guess would be that, like, 99.9% of that 1.4% was just that they don't like vibration that much. It was just like, okay, I bought this toy, but, like, I don't really like the way it feels on my body. That being said, though, like, I do think, obviously there is a lot of anxiety that comes up for people when they think about bringing toys into the bedroom. Like, you know, 44% of people said that they feel nervous about how their partner might respond. So let's talk a little bit about how to suggest bringing a sex toy into the bedroom. So our recommendation is to just blame it on us. You can literally use this podcast episode as an excuse. Tell your partner something like, okay, so this week's Pillow Talks episode was about using toys in the bedroom. And, you know, it kind of got me thinking. Like, blaming it on us is just such a simple and easy way to bring it up. It's not like you have to tell your partner, like, oh, our sex life is so terrible. I've been thoroughly researching ways for it to make it better. And the Internet said the sex toys. You know, it's like, you don't just say anything like that. It's just like, oh, I hadn't really thought about that before, but kind of sounds fun.

Yeah. I mean, you can even say, I love her. Like, I love our sex life so much. And I was listening to that podcast episode. It just got me a little curious. It's something I. You know what? Whatever's true for you, like, something I've never experimented with or something I've, like, only tried once or twice. And it would be. I think it would be super fun for us to try it sometime. Not all the time, just sometime.

And whenever you're making a suggestion or, you know, something that you want to try in the bedroom with your partner, I think just go into it pretty nonchalant. Like, you know, it sounds pretty hot. This sound is kind of interesting to me. Like, it's not a big deal. Tons of people use sex toys in the bedroom. Just bring it up, you know, keep it simple. That being said, though, we also want to talk about, like, okay, but what if you are worried about offending your partner? You know, you're like, guys, I don't want to do the whole nonchalant thing. Like, I do think there's a likelihood that my partner is going to get offended or think that I'm saying something's wrong with our sex life. So we want to talk you through some. Some different ideas for what to do. If you're worried about that kind of.

Scenario or maybe your partner's Already said something in the past about how they don't like toys or something like that.

Yeah. So first, I think it's really important to recognize that using a sex toy does not say anything about how satisfied or unsatisfied you are with your partner's sex life. So we don't bring toys into the bedroom because things are so terrible and we have to bring something in to fix them. We bring them in for all the reasons that I mentioned above. Like, they're just fun. It's a different kind of sensation. It's something new to try. Like, it says nothing about what your sex life is currently like.

Yeah. I mean, bringing this back to food, it's. It's like going out to a restaurant to eat once a week doesn't say anything about the quality of the cooking that's happening at home at all. Like, you never hear anyone being like, oh my God, you want to go to a restaurant? You hate my food now. We're never gonna eat at home again. It's like, no, we're going to a restaurant like once a week. Yeah, it's like, it's a little something new or different. It's a little less work for both of us.

So the other thing to remind yourself and maybe your partner is that, you know, vibrators, toys, they're all great, but a sex toy is never going to replace a human being. Like, we do hear about this sometimes. Like, you know, people will DM and say, oh, my boyfriend says he's worried the vibrator is going to replace him. And it's like, come on, dude, like, you are not going to be replaced by a little hunk of plastic. We all know home cooked meals are so much better for you, but you don't always have the time to pull them off. But with HelloFresh handling all the meal planning, shopping, and most of the prep, it is easier than ever to get dinner on the table. Quick and painless. No more endless recipe searching or spending money on a whole jar of spices for only a pinch. Oh my God, that's so frustrating. With HelloFresh, everything you need to make delicious meals comes right to your door at prep, pre portioned and fresh. Plus the included step by step recipe cards for making cooking simpler. There are always new flavors to explore with an ever changing menu of 50 recipes to choose from every week. All you have to do is pick your meals and your delivery date. It is that simple. So, as is the case with all of our podcast sponsors, we had to try HelloFresh ourselves in order to Feel comfortable taking them on as a podcast sponsor. And we had such a great experience, experience with our meals. For me, the biggest impact is the mental load. Like, it is so frustrating every day to have to, like, think of what to cook. Like, I think I say this all the time. I'm like, why do we have to eat three times a day? It's so annoying.

Yeah, it's like, what are we going to cook? Do we have all the ingredients? Do I have to go to the grocery store to get, like, one thing? Yeah, I hate that.

It just takes so much freaking time. And it's. It always feels like I can never think of anything to say when I think about, like, what do you want to have for dinner? I don't know. Literally every idea that I've ever had just flies out my head and I can't think of anything. So I love the convenience of hellofresh. Just delivering those meals right to us, giving us 50 options to choose from every week. It just makes everything so much simpler and easier. And hellofresh has an incredible deal going on right now. You can get free breakfast for life.

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I want to say something a little challenging to any man out there listening that are worried about this. If you are scared or just have any worry that this vibrator is somehow going to replace you or say something, it's like saying something negative about you. I would challenge you to think about, like, how confident do you feel with your own sexual technique? Because I think that if you're feeling anxious about that, what that says to me is that you're not feeling super comfortable with your ability to bring your partner pleasure. And I think that if, you know, if you think, well, I'm a guy, I'm supposed to just know what to do to bring my partner pleasure. Well, that's probably your problem right there. So I think that when this comes up, for most guys especially, what is behind that is some kind of subconscious knowing of like, huh, I kind of have a feeling that they're going to enjoy this vibrator a lot more because they're probably not having very many orgasms. They're probably not actually enjoying the sex that we are having very much. So you could get upset at the vibrator or you could take a look at your own technique, your joint technique, what you guys do in bed, and think about, hey, what could we do together to really increase the pleasure? So you might want to look at our foreplay guides, you might want to look at our next level intercourse guide to really figure out, okay, like, what are the things that are going to bring my partner the most pleasure? What are the positions? What are the modifications that we can make to intercourse to add more clitoral stimulation? So I would look at all of that before you even start freaking out about a vibrator. Because the reality is, when you confidently know that you can bring your partner orgasm and pleasure, I have a feeling you're not going to be worried about a little vibrator.

And also, there's no shame in taking a look at your technique. Like, I just want to clarify that too. Like, we're not taught how to have sex and we all feel this pressure. Like we're supposed to be so amazing at it. And men in particular feel a lot of pressure and responsibility that they are supposed to deliver like this amazing sexual experience. So we're not saying, like, look at your technique, bro, you suck in bed. It's just like, yeah, you know, none of us have had this opportunity to learn and yet we're being so harsh on ourselves. So if you do feel the self consciousness come up, there are plenty of shame free resources that we have available to help out. So my favorite way of talking about toys in the bedroom is as a tool and not a replacement. And I think that actual tool comparisons can work really well here too. Like if you need to screw a screw, screw a screw. That's weird. You need to screw in a screw. Like, you can use a screwdriver and you can also use a drill. And there are different scenarios when each one is appropriate. But like, nobody would ever look at somebody using like a power drill and be like, ugh, bro. Like, ugh. You really should do that by hand. So bottom line, it's just a tool that can be used, but it's not a replacement. And it's a smart thing to use tools, not a bad thing. I also recommend bringing it up with confidence. Cause a mistake that a lot of women in particular is if they're feeling very self conscious about introducing the idea of using a vibrator and they're worried that their partner's gonna be really offended by it. Like, a lot of times we just get into this very nervous, anxious energy and we're almost like apologizing for it or acting really Embarrassed, like, in advance.

Yeah.

But if you go to your partner and make any sort of request, like, oh, so I just, like, wanted to ask you for. And it's not a big deal, and it's totally okay if you say no. But I just. Maybe it would be, like, interesting. We could just try, you know, like, if you. If you go to your partner like that.

I'm already nervous. I'm already nervous.

They're picking up on that anxiety, and they're feeling like, this is a bad thing. So you're essentially priming them to have the exact kind of reaction that you don't want them to have. So bringing it up with confidence, recognizing for yourself, like, there's nothing wrong with me for making this request. This is a totally normal request. It's a very valid one. It's not a big deal. Like, so if you need to practice on your own a little bit, say it in front of the mirror just so you can get comfortable saying it to your partner. Another thing that you can do when you're having this conversation is focus on the fact that you want to do this with them. It's the two of you using toys together. So it's not like, hey, you can have sex with me, but, like, I'm just going to be using my vibrator off to the side. Or, like, I just. I'm going to be using my vibrator. You could be there if you want to, but, like, it's kind of just all about me and using my vibrator. That's not what the situation. Situation is here. It's. I want to try something new with you. I want to explore with you.

Or even, like, I would love it. It would be super hot if you use this on me so that it's, you know, completely interactive. It's not. It. There's no vibe of like, okay, I'm like, I'm gonna grab this vibrator and do it myself.

Yeah, exactly. And actually, you're kind of leading us straight into the next tip that we were gonna suggest is if your partner is a dude, a nice way to help him get more comfortable with vibrators is use it on him. So you can use the vibrator like, on his penis on his taint balls with one hand while you stimulate him with the other hand or with your mouth or just rub it across his body. Vibration can be nice on different parts of our body.

Or even kind of shove it in between your clit and his. Him if he's on top of you having intercourse, like, kind of you know, kind of send some vibration through his genital area, so to speak.

Yeah. I mean, we'll talk a little bit more about the mechanics of how to use them in just a minute. But one thing also to note here is that not all men like vibration. Just want to give a little heads up about that. Might not be something that he enjoys, but I think the bottom line of at least trying it out, like, hey, this is something that could feel enjoyable to you too.

Yeah. It's worth just asking, you know, playing around with it and seeing what he thinks, because, you know, many men are really going to enjoy this. I know that for me, like, I enjoy a little bit of vibration for about 30 seconds. And then after 30 seconds, it actually kind of starts to feel. Not like numbing, but kind of like it ends up feeling like it's taking away from any other stimulation that I'm getting. So, you know, just be aware. That is not like, it's not like, oh, yeah, like, he's supposed to just completely love it. It might be like he likes it for a long time. He likes it for a little bit of time. He doesn't like it at all. There's all kinds of options.

Another tip if you're worried about your partner's response is to suggest getting a couple's toy first. So that makes it very clear, like, this is something for us to use together. Not like, I want to bring my vibrator into the bedroom with us. So that leads us straight into what kind of toy to get. We put a question box up on Instagram and we said, you know, let us know. What are your questions about toys in the bedroom? What are you struggling with? What do you want to know about? And by far and away, the most common question was like, I just don't know where to start. There are a million different toys out there. It can totally be overwhelming and confusing. And I think a lot of people actually just give up because they're like, I don't even know where to start here.

Yeah. And I think what doesn't help is a lot of people will, like, go into, like, sex shops kind of as like a novelty thing. Or if it's like, if you're like, out with the guys or out with the girls or something like that. And, like, I feel like it's so classic.

Like, you go to a lot of sex shops with your guy friends.

I don't know.

I'm just like, boys night out. Well, yeah, bro, let's go to the sex shop.

I don't know. I'm thinking about when I was younger, you know, when we would be like, in the city or something, like having.

How many times have you gone to a sex shop with your dude friends?

Maybe not just dude friends. I don't know.

I feel like with a group, but.

I feel like it's like a novelty thing. It's like, oh, like, let's walk in the sex shop.

How many times we go into a sex with friends?

I don't know. Probably like four or five.

That's such a weird thing to do.

I think it's just sort of a novelty thing. And like, people like, maybe like, have had a couple drinks and it's like, oh, yeah, like, you're out with a couple of couples, like, oh, let's go in the sex shop. And it's just kind of looking around at stuff. But it's like, it's a weird vibe because when you're like, with friends, not like, you're not like, okay, yeah, let's do some serious shopping. It's like, ooh, like, let's look at this stuff for a little zing maybe. But then like, there's a whole bunch of products and you're like, I don't know what to get. I don't know, am I, am I crazy? Has no one else had this experience?

I don't think I've gone into a sex shop with like a group of friends. It's just not. It's not a. Like, we're out on the town, like, hey, you know what? Sounds fun, let's go to a sex shop. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm in the minority here, so let us know on Instagram. Is this a common thing that you do when you're having guys night out on the towns, going to the sex shop together?

What I'm saying is that I feel like many people end up in sex shop for the first couple of times, kind of in a, like in a joking sort of way or looking at it through the lens of like, oh, this is like a novelty experience, rather than this is a serious experience, or like, I'm here because I'm actually interested in these things. And so your experience of going in there is almost like laughing at stuff like, oh, look, look at this, look at this massive dildo. Or like, look at this, like, ridiculous outfit or costume or something. So you're already telling yourself, oh, yeah, these things are kind of jokes. Yeah, this isn't serious.

I did go into like the Hustlers in la.

Yeah.

And it was in that same kind of like, oh, my God, look at this.

I mean, I'm thinking, like, you know, when I was in college or something, and, like, on break or something, like, going up to San Francisco with some friends or something, and, like, I don't know, you know, being out, like, you know, on, like, Market street or like, at the beginning of the Castro or something, and there's, like, sex shops everywhere. And it's like, oh, let's look at this stuff. And then you're all, like, laughing at this stuff. And, you know, looking back, it feels really dumb. But, you know, that was what I did when I was, like, 22 years old.

Okay. Anyways, going back to our recommendations of what kind of toy to get. So if you're somebody who's new to sex toys, you don't really have one. Maybe you or you have bought one in the past you didn't really like. You just want, like, a good place to start. Our recommendation is a small clitoral vibrator. So I want to stop here to make a distinction between dildo and vibrator, because I hear a lot of people use the words interchangeably. But a vibrator is something that literally vibrates. It has a motor. It, you know, makes different vibrational patterns. A dildo doesn't have a vibrator in it. So dildos are. They're shaped like penises, usually. I mean, yeah, sometimes they're kind of a weird shape. Usually shaped like penises, no vibrator. So they don't really do anything. You can use them for penetration. So some people will use them, like, with a strap on where you're, you know, penetrating your partner the way, you know, just having intercourse with that. But a dildo in and of itself, like, most people with vulvas don't use just a dildo to stimulate themselves because all you can do with the dildo is penetrate. And we've talked about this before, that the vast majority of women don't feel a ton of pleasure and definitely don't orgasm from penetration alone. So the vast majority of women use vibrators to stimulate themselves.

Yeah.

So our recommendation for your first toy is a small vibrator, one that fits really nicely in your hand. And it can be like a little bullet shape. It can be, but like, something small, like just a couple of inches, fits easily into your hand, can fit easily in between your bodies. That makes it very versatile and just easy to use. And again, we'll talk about how to use them in a little bit. Second option would be a couple's toy that's really specifically designed to create stimulation. And these are for male, female couples for, you know, stimulation for her and stimulation for him. Again, this is a good recommendation for if you're nervous about how your partner's going to feel about bringing toys into the bedroom. But really, in general, like, I do think the small vibrator is going to be the best first toy for the vast majority of people. But with couples toys, the most common one is, like, a vibrating cock ring. So it's something that goes around his penis. There's a little vibrator attachment that's meant to give the woman stimulation, but it also, like, stimulates him a little bit. And the cock ring can be nice for increasing his erection as well. Now, I do want to be really honest. It is definitely frustrating and expensive to find a toy that you really like, because there is no way of knowing whether or not you're gonna like a toy unless you try it. And sex toys almost always have no return policy.

Almost always.

Obvious reasons. I don't know, maybe there's some, like, weird, sketchy, like, company out there that will take it back. Not to, like, resell it, but maybe some places have, like, satisfaction guarantee. Like, if you don't like it, we'll give you your money back. Not that they're, like, reselling it, but the vast majority of places, like, you're not getting your money back. So I just want to acknowledge, like, it is difficult. There's no, you know, people are always asking us, like, oh, tell us what your favorite toy is. And we do have a recommended products page that we will link in the show notes that has some favorites. But sex toys are truly so unique. Like, I've tried things that I'm like, this is a great toy. And then other people, you know, they'll try it and reach back out and say, like, I actually didn't like this at all, and it was a bummer that I spent money. So, like, I've always been hesitant and, you know, to recommend toys. And, you know, we have this page, but it is buried on our website. I will link it because I know people are gonna ask. But, like, it's tough for me to recommend things because I know it's so individual and varied, and there's not a guarantee that you're gonna like it. And we'll talk about this more in a moment too. But, like, toys tend to be pretty expensive, so good ones at least. Yeah, you do have to make an investment. So I just want to acknowledge that. And I'll say, like, the best way to get around. That is to read reviews online. There is a whole subculture of sex toy reviewers, and damn, are they good. Like really detailed, super specific. They just know their shit. So I would recommend, if there's a certain toy you have your eye on, read like four or five different reviews so you can get opinions from different people. Like, what are the people who don't like it, why do they say they don't like it? The people who do like it, why do they like it? So check out a few different reviews so you can get this, like, more varied picture of what that toy is really like. So those are our recommendations, if you're just getting started. Of course, there is a whole world of sex toys if you want to explore more. There are male masturbators. There are prostate toys for men which stimulate the prostate internally. There are cock rings which go around the base of the penis. There are dildos, like we mentioned, and strap ons, tons of anal toys, plugs, beads, dildos, vibrators. And then of course, lots of bondage gear, restraints, clamps, stuff like that. Handcuffs and sensation gear. Things like paddles, whips, things are, you know, designed to, like, create more sensation. So there's so many different things that you can explore. So if you get excited, you try a few things, then there's plenty more for you to check out too.

I feel like as the resident penis owner here, I want to call out cock ring specifically for men. Because I think a lot of men hear sex toys and think like, oh, there isn't really much for me here. This is just about like, this is just like for my female partner. But cock rings are definitely a great option of like, you know, you can get a vibrating cock ring that's going to add some stimulation for your partner. But in general, but also just like a regular cock ring basically goes around the base of your penis, or potentially sometime depending on the type, over, like, basically over the top of your penis and back down around the base of your balls, your scrotum. And the idea with these is to just restrict blood flow a little bit. It'll basically keep blood in your hard penis to keep it harder for longer. And so, you know, this can be like a totally fun thing for men to play with. It can help a lot of men last longer. If that's something that you are looking for, that's not something you're looking for, then probably don't try a cock ring. I also will just caution you, make sure you read the instructions on how to use it before you try to use it. It's very important that you know how to get it on and how to get it off. I'm not going to go into all the intricacies.

You sound like you have a story.

I don't, no, no, I, I don't. I have heard plenty of stories though.

There are some horror stories.

There are some horror stories of men who just like went balls deep in, in the cock ring without thinking about how to use it, how to get it off, et cetera.

Basically, I don't want to scare people. Basically what you need if you're looking for a cock ring, one that is easily removable. So it's made of stretchy material that you can, you know, even if you're have a big old erection, you can still pull it off. Or one that has like a clasp on it so you can like un, unsnap it and take it off right away. There are also cock rings made out of like stainless steel where it's like.

That is a very advanced level thing.

Don't go for that first.

Do not go for that unless you are feeling like a cock ring pro.

Somebody's gonna have to cut you out of that. So be careful. Okay? Where and how to shop for sex toys? The number one thing, I wrote it in all caps, so I reminded myself to yell it. Don't buy your sex toys on Amazon.

Sorry, Jeff Bezos.

Look, I get it. Like we use Amazon all the freaking time. I know how convenient and easy it is. And the little private brown boxes, it just makes it feel so simple and nice. But sex toys on Amazon are terrible. They're so, so many crappy toys on Amazon. And there are also counterfeit toys too. So you might find high end brands and it looks like a good, expensive, high quality toy. But very often the toy that you're actually getting in the mail is something totally different. Like it's a knockoff. Like, just like there are knockoffs of, you know, Prada and Chanel bags. They're knockoff sex toys, which is so weird and crazy, but there absolutely are and they can be like dangerous to use. So don't buy your sex toys on Amazon. Look instead for your local female friendly, female owned, sex positive sex shop. Especially in the last like 10, 20 years, there have been so many incredible stores that have opened up. I mean, you can literally just Google like female friendly sex shop and I'm sure one will come up like relatively close to your area.

So this is like not the type of shop that is selling like sketchy dick pills and stuff like that.

Yeah, Like a place that the whole point of it is, you know, it's well lit. The people there are very educated. It's shame free.

It's not only open at night.

Yeah. It's not like the adult store, you know, lurking with the, like, flat, flickering neon sign. And they're like, no windows in the back. Yeah, no windows. Like, one of the great examples, when we lived in San Francisco, there was Good Vibrations, you know, and that was just. Just such a great shop. Like, you felt like you could walk in there. There was zero shame. Somebody's, like, excitedly greeting you. What are you looking for? Let me show you all the things. And this also really helps because they have, like, the toys out so you can try them. Like, let me see how the motor.

Works with your hand.

With your hand. Can't walk into a sex shop in.

The video cabin in the back. No. Just kidding.

But you could try it on your hand and see, like, how does it work? Does it fit in my hand nicely? Do I like the feel of it?

All of that.

So we definitely recommend shopping in those types of stores. And of course, you can just do it online, too. Another idea is if you want to go into a store but you're nervous about, like, running into somebody that you know in your hometown, like, when you're traveling, you could go into a store there. Nobody will know. But also, like, it's not that embarrassing. Plenty of people use sex toys. It's okay if you run into your neighbor.

Yeah. Heaven forbid somebody else knows that you like sex, too.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Hey, you like sex? I didn't know you liked sex.

It's, you know, it's still a taboo thing. So of course we feel embarrassed about it. So when you are looking for a toy, it is extremely, extremely important that you look for the words body safe, medical grade. So often. Like, crappy sex toys that you find on the back. You'll see it says, for novelty use only. That's a loophole where as long as they write for novelty use only, they don't have to pass any sort of safety regulations. Because they're basically saying, like, this is just a toy. You're not supposed to actually put it in your private parts on your most sensitive parts of your body. And this delicate, thin skin.

Yeah, it's like, it's supposed to be a joke. It's for use in, like, on Halloween or, like, a dumb bachelor. Bachelor.

Xander's guys nights out.

Xander's weird guys nights out at the sex shop. That didn't really happen quite, like that, but whatever.

But yeah, in making toys, like a lot of harmful chemicals get put into them. Like, like phthalates is one of them. It's made to like soften plastics, but it can leach into your skin. It can cause all sorts of like horrible issues for your body. So you really want to look for medical grade body safe materials. Make sure you see those labels on your toys. And that's another great reason to go shopping in person, so you can specifically ask for that.

And also just another plug right there when you're looking at the material. It should also tell you what types of lube to either use or not use with it. If it's a toy where you might want to be using some lube because for example, like many toys are made out of silicone and so they might say, you know, they don't recommend using a silicone based lube with the silicone toy because that could slowly eat away at it. And so it's just important to look at that. That's another reason why going into the shop can be helpful. Be super easy to just ask, hey, what kind of lube do you recommend with this type of toy?

And I will say in general with sex toys you really get what you pay for. Like these body safe medical grade materials are more expensive in general. I think you're probably going to pay about 100 bucks for a good quality toy, if not more. And I know that that's a lot of money for most people. So that's why it is so tempting to see the like $12.99 thing on Amazon or oh my God, there's always like influencers, like posting different toys, you know that they're being paid to sponsor online. But like it's just not worth it. It's really not worth it to get a crappy toy. So I totally, you know, I've been on the lookout for years for companies that are making affordable toys but keeping these high level of, you know, standards. And I just have not found one that I recommend. And that's not to say that they're not out there. I just, just haven't personally come across them myself. And again, it's because these kinds of materials are expensive and making sure that we're making like super high quality safe toys are going to last. Like it is expensive. So it's just one of the frustrating and tough realities of the sex toy industry. Okay, now let's wrap up by talking about how to use a toy, how to bring actually like bring it into the bedroom and use it with your partner. So if you already know how to use your toy, like, maybe this is your favorite vibrator that you use on your own, but you want to bring it in and use it with your partner. So you're going to have to show your partner how you use it on yourself. And this can be really sexy. Like, you can put on a little show for your partner, use your toy in front of them. I think Xander can give the male seal of approval of this one here. Men like watching us with our toys.

Yeah, give me a show.

Or another thing you can do is just, like, describe what you like. But I think that, you know, the main point I want to make with sex toys is, like, it's not super intuitive to know. You know, like, your partner just can't intuitively know how you use it on yourself.

Yeah, especially. Yeah, especially if your partner is of a different gender. They have probably. Well, they've definitely never used that type of toy on themselves. They have zero experience with that. Perhaps they've used toys with partners in the past, but very likely not that type of toy. So what might seem really obvious to you, especially because you get the direct feedback when you use it on yourself of you touch your body, you know exactly how that feels in your brain. Like, it's so easy and simple. Remember, it is not going to be easy and simple like that for your partner. And they are already going to have way less experience than you. So you have to really spell it out for your partner.

So here's a great example. Like, let's say when you use the vibrator on yourself, you don't like to use it directly on your clitoris. This is very common for a lot of people with clitorises. But your partner might think, like, oh, vibrator, like, supposed to go right on the clitoris. Right. So it's just like, things like that. So it could be showing your partner how you use it, describing how you like to use it, or you can put it in their hand, and you put your hand over their hand and kind of, like, guide them through using it. But there's just some different ways to, like, show them what you already know you like.

Yeah, I mean, this kind of reminds me of, like, you know, when we are talking about, like, women giving men hand jobs. I think women tend to not really, like, squeeze as hard as most guys want because they can't feel what it feels like.

We're nervous.

Yeah, you're nervous. You don't have a penis.

Don't want to hurt it.

Yeah, you don't Want to hurt it. And so, you know, the, the guy using the vibrator for the first time might go way overly light, Might go like super heavy handed, like, who knows? And so, yeah, you just have to remember, like, yeah, like they have to really be shown exactly what it is that you like.

Now let's say that you don't know how to use the toy. Like, it's something brand new that you bought together. So you guys get to explore together. Like, try out all the different settings. You can try using it on different parts of your body. At first, if you're just like really wanting to get a sense of the toy, like, use it on your forearm and try like the different vibrational patterns, the different speeds, the different intensities. And then we like using our, we call this our eye exam game to hone in on what you like. So when your partner is using it on you, you want to have them give you two different options and you get to pick which one you like the most. Just like when you go for an eye exam and they're like, okay, which one is more clear, number one or number two? So it could be like using two different patterns. It could be your partner using it in two different ways. Like, maybe they are circling around your clitoris with it versus going up and down over the top of your clitoris with it. But two different techniques and you pick like, ooh, I like that one a little bit better. But it's just giving the two of you this opportunity to get used to the toy and figure out where you like to use it.

Another, another suggestion. Because these are all like, great tips for if you're using a vibrator for the first time. If it's more of a couples based toy, one recommendation is like, get started with what you're going to be doing. Like, don't use the toy yet. Get started stimulating each other, maybe having intercourse, whatever it is that you want to be doing. Get both partners, like really excited and then be like, all right, now let's grab the toy and put this on so that it's something that is being introduced when both partners are really stimulated and already having a really good time. Because it can feel a bit nerve wracking if you're like at the very beginning and like, you know, one partner's like trying to get hard and the other partner is like still getting turned on. And it can feel frustrating or anxiety provoking if you're like trying to bring that toy in while also trying to get both partners ready and excited. If things don't go really well from the very beginning. It can kind of put a damper on the entire experience. So it can be really great to just bring it in right in the middle of things when things are already hot and heavy. And it can kind of be a quick gut check of like, okay, cool. Like, got this on. Like, all right, is this, like, is this feeling good? Is this fun? And if it's like, if you're not sure, or it's like, maybe not feeling good or you're feeling kind of confused, I can be like, okay, cool. Like, we tried. Let's set that aside and maybe then afterwards be like, okay, you know, now let's troubleshoot. Now let's kind of figure this out and, like, keep doing that. That over a couple different sessions of sex and try to hone in on what is what you guys like or don't like about it.

Yeah. And another way to do that, actually, is to set up the entire sex session from the beginning of, like, this is just us figuring it out. So you can, like, say to your partner, like, okay, this, like, doesn't count. And even though it's, you know, it's just you're saying those words, I think there is a way that saying those words takes the pressure down of, like. Like, this doesn't count. If this winds up being really bad sex, like, it's okay. We're wiping it from our memories. Like, we're just messing around with some things here, trying to figure this out.

Like. Like, no one needs to orgasm.

Yeah. Yeah. That can be a nice, like, low pressure way to experiment with it as well. And then once you get comfortable with how you use the toy, the options are really endless. Like, you can have nights where it's, like, just using toys with each other. You can use it as a little bit of foreplay to, like, get you started and get you excited and then move on to other activ activities. You could use it after one person has orgasmed and the other person needs to catch up or, like, was ready to have their orgasm. You can use it throughout the entire session. You can use it and put it away and then bring it back out again. Like, you can really play with it in a ton of different ways. Okay, let's get into some questions that we got from our audience when we asked them what they were struggling with. So, Xander, I'm going to ask you this first one. Will guys get insulted if you get a vibrator or dildo bigger than him? Like, if I'm like, you know, we're in the bedroom, and I pull something out and it's this like 12 inches, you know, penis shaped thing. Like, are you gonna get insulted or offended of, like, ooh, that's not. I'm only 11 and a half inches.

Wow. Thanks, babe. That's quite large. That might present some serious.

11 and a half inches is enormous. I will take the time to point out the average penis is about 5 inches. And most people.

You know what?

I'm gonna be real, honest, penetrated. Don't want an 11.

My penis is not close to 11 and a half inches on a good day.

Okay, but going back to the question, if I were to whip out like a big 12 inch vibrator or dildo, like, would that give you this moment of like.

I mean, like today if you did that? No, but, like, if it was our first time playing with a toy, I might be like, oh, whoa. Like, this is. This is serious business here. Like, I might be a little. I don't know, like, I wouldn't be insulted, per se. But, like, I mean, I think the first time that you are playing with a toy.

What if it's. Okay, No, I want you to be honest here because sometimes people like, oh, Xander just says, like, good answers because he knows he's supposed to. So I want you to be honest. Like, and let's make it a little more realistic. Let's say it's like nine inches.

And like. And like, you want me to penetrate you with it or something. Like, instead of me penetrating you?

Not necessarily. Like, it could just be a vibrator that I'm like, you know, just using externally.

But yeah, I mean, the vibrator thing.

Okay, well, then let's say, okay, it's something that I want you to penetrate me with. It's bigger than you.

I mean, I think that that sort of can give a vibe of like, oh, like, you're not enough for me. I think that that is definitely something. Like, I wouldn't say that's a reason to not do it. I think that that's, you know, men need to kind of come to terms.

With, like, okay, no, no, this is fair. It's a realistic answer. It would make you feel a little bit self conscious of like, oh, like, this is better than me.

Yeah, I guess. I mean, it would also really depend on what your reaction was. Like, if you, you know, we were. If you were like, oh, I want you to fuck me with this, like, dildo that's twice as big as my dick, and then you're, like, really enjoying it.

No, we're Talking about the more realistic. Like, it's just a little bit bigger.

A little bit bigger. Meh. I mean, honestly, at this point, I feel really confident in, like, me, my body, what, you know, what I bring to the table sexually in our relationship. So, like, I've got no issue with that. But. But I do feel like if I was with a brand new partner and it was sort of like the first time we were experimenting with toys together, and, like, she whipped out something that was like, I don't know, I might have. I might feel. I might have a couple thoughts about what was going on there. I'm not saying that she shouldn't do it. I'm like, I know. I'm just. It might.

It might stir up some self consciousness.

Yeah, it might stir up some self consciousness for sure.

Well, I think what you just said is the most important thing. Like, it. That it doesn't mean she shouldn't do it. So it's okay for men to have reactions to things and, like, be like, oh, like, you know, does that mean I'm not gonna be good enough? Like, men have a lot of penis anxiety. Like, most men feel anxious about the size of their penis. So it's. It's very common and understandable to, like, feel a little twinge of something. And at the same time, it doesn't mean that we shouldn't do it. Like, if you enjoy playing with your toy, you want to have that experience with your partner, like, it's still something valid and worthwhile.

Yeah, definitely. And I mean, I think that. But this is again, why I go back to, like, I think it's better to start. Just kind of, like, start smaller or simpler with this and then continue the conversation. Hey, how is that for you? Like, if you're finding your partner is really loving using toys on you, then it could be like, hey, like, it might be fun if we kind of like, up the ante a little bit or, like, try some different things that are.

Yeah. And I'll also say, like, again, like, a toy doesn't replace a human at all. Like, there's no way that it gets close. And I think what can be fun about toys is playing around with different kinds of stimulation and sensation and experiences. But it doesn't mean, like, bigger is better. I think that is a huge misconception that men who sleep with women have. Like, because you have so much anxiety, you've been taught your entire life that, like, the size of your penis is so important, you feel like you're supposed to be huge when the reality is like, we actually hear from more women complaining about penises being too large and causing pain rather than too small. Like, we just don't care nearly as much about having huge penises as guys do. But, yeah, I think it's just. This feels like a whole other episode that we could go into. I'm gonna stop us here. This is a really interesting question to me. I'm curious to know how you feel. Would you get offended if I had a toy that I've used with past partners and I wanted to use it with you?

Ooh, this is so. This is so tough.

We'll both answer it.

I want to say, like, I want to say in an ideal world, like. Like, no, you shouldn't get offended if it's something that you've used with past partners. I think a more realistic answer, though, especially if your partner. If this is, like, a new thing or you're worried there's going to be some amount of, like, uncertainty around toys, I think it's better to get something brand new that you're using together. Like, I feel honestly, at this point, I wouldn't. I wouldn't care. Like, if you were like, oh, I actually, you know, we're multiple. Multiple years in. You're like, oh, you know, actually, I have this whole toy collection from the last 10 years or something. Like, I'd probably be like, oh, I don't give a shit. Like, you're with me now. Like, you're using it with me, not with someone else. But I just. But it's kind of like I would. I would say it is somewhat akin to being like, oh, I want you to do this position with me, because I used to do this with my accent. It was super hot, where it's like, it's bringing unnecessary, unneeded attention to your past sexual partners.

Yeah, I totally feel you on that one. I'm like, logically, I feel like it should be okay, you know, as long as they're, like, sanitized. And I don't have a ton of jealousy. Like, I don't feel jealous thinking about you being sexual with past partners. It's just like, okay, that's just the reality of life and relationships. But there is something that feels a little too intimate to me about, like, sharing toys that I know most you've used with somebody else. And it's not super logical, but it's just uncomfortable. But it is tough at the same time, too, because, like, if you've built up this collection of toys, you have invested and, like, spent a lot of money getting good Toys. Like, you also don't want to be having to buy brand new toys for every single partner. So it is a tricky situation. I'm curious to hear what the listener thinks. So come over to Instagram, let us know. Like, how would you feel if your partner wanted to use a toy with you that they. They've used with previous partners?

Ultimately, it might just need to be a question for your partner. I mean, look, this is a great. A great argument for, well, maybe not the very first toy you pull out be the one that you used to use with your ex. But, like, you know, it can be a conversation with your partner. Hey, you know, I have some toys from the past that obviously have been used with other people. Obviously they have been sanitized. And there's been a long time between this happening. How would you, you know, how would you feel about, you know, does this feel like, do you care at all? And, like, there's no wrong answer here. I'm unsure about this. But, like, you know, if this is something, you know, we could get new ones or not. I don't know. I feel like it's just worth seeing how your partner responds, because especially if you set it up like, there's no wrong answer to this, you can be like, I'm personally kind of torn on this. I don't know what to think. And, you know, no one else on the Internet seems to know what to think. I'm curious what you think. I have no problem just being like, yep, put those away. Throw those away, whatever. Or. Or not. Your partner might be like, I don't care, I don't give a shit. Or they could be like, yeah, it feels a little weird.

Okay. And our last question was, is it okay if I don't like toys? And the very short and sweet answer here is, yes, totally fine. I think there's this big misconception that toys are supposed to just magically work for everybody and especially vibrators. We hear so many women say, like, I don't really love vibr. Like, is something wrong with me? Absolutely not. Like, there is no one thing that works for every single person on the planet. And I'll be honest. Like, I actually don't love vibrators myself. Like, I do think they can be fun to play with. I have, like, had pleasurable experiences with them. But in general, like, the orgasms that I get from vibrators, they don't feel great to me. Like, especially compared to orgasms I get in other ways. So I'll just share, you know, that on my own personal experience there to help you feel normal and fine. Like it's totally okay to not like using toys. All right, well that wraps up our episode on bringing Toys into the Bedroom. We have a few links for you in the show notes. We've got our recommended products page with some of our recommended toys. We have our ultimate foreplay guides and next level intercourse that Xander mentioned earlier.

And if you loved this episode, if this episode is really helpful for you or helped you bring some new toys, new pleasure, new experiences into the bedroom, we would love it if you left a review and gave us a five star rating. You can give us a rating on Spotify or on Apple Podcasts. Apple Podcasts is the only place that you can leave us a review though. What you do is you go to the Pillow Talks podcast page and then scroll all the way to the bottom and you'll see a place to leave the rating and the review. If you leave a review, we will enter you into our Review of the Week giveaway where if you hear your review read then you DM us on Instagram and we will give you a free masterclass because we appreciate you so much. Because those reviews really are the most helpful way for us to grow. It's how people find us. It's how people know that we are a legit podcast. So without further ado, our review of the week is. You want to read it this week?

Oh okay. Just what we needed. I'm sure you do too. Can't recommend VNX enough. I found them on Instagram just because someone I follow liked their post and I'm so, so grateful. My husband and I have been struggling with our sex life since we got out of that honeymoon phase and not for a lack of enjoyment. We've been together since high school 17 years, so there's a lot to work through together. I just finished going through all of their podcast episodes and the impact it's having on my side of things is incredible.

Wow.

Wow. I'm realizing my husband is coming to me and saying the right things, but I wasn't hearing it because I'm so in my own head. We've been in therapy, but hearing what VNX have to say and actually applying it to our day to day lives has been so helpful. My husband loves to listen to it with me too on road trips or shared AirPods. Oh my God that's so cute. So many deep conversations about our relationship and sex have come from this podcast. Forever grateful. Thank you for this lovely review and reach out to us@infomtherapy.com to claim your prize if you are the person who wrote this review. All right. Well, thank you for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about being attracted to other people while you're in a relationship.

Sam.