EPISODE 190: Am I Being Reasonable Or Ridiculous?

Is it reasonable to make my wife go buy a $10,000 wedding dress even though we're not getting married, just so I can fuck her in it?

Hello, and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Zander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Today we are tackling the question, is this reasonable? So we turned to our Instagram community and we said, is there something that you have been wanting from your partner, but you're just not sure if it's a reasonable request?

Yeah. Can you even ask?

Yeah, like, is that okay for me to ask that is okay for me to want that? Or maybe it's the other way around and your partner made a request of you or there's something that they want from you and you're left wondering, like, I don't know about that. So we asked for stories like this, and we got a lot good ones. I'm so excited to dive into some of these examples because they are truly fascinating. We were looking for ones that, like, kind of above and beyond. You know, obviously we got a lot of like, oh, I want to have more sex, or like, I want us to have date nights, but we got some, like, very unusual ones. I'm very excited to. To break apart.

Yeah. I mean, I think the bottom line is a lot of people are sitting on things like this, sitting on things that they kind of want, needs that they have, requests that they have, desires that they want to ask but aren't. And yeah, let's. Let's talk about how you. How you actually take some action on that. Whether that action is having the conversation or the action is deciding that maybe this is unreasonable and see if there's some other ways to get what it is that you are wanting. But before that, we're going to get into this week's review of the week. Reviews are the best way to help our podcast grow. They go so far in helping new people to the podcast realize that, hey, this is a real legit podcast. You, you know, it's worth listening to. Compared to all the other hundreds and thousands of podcasts. Hundreds, hundreds of thousands is probably more like that podcasts that are out there. What we do to thank you for leaving us a review and by the way, the way that you do that is it has to be an Apple Podcasts go to Apple Podcasts go to the main Pillow talks page, scroll all the way to the bottom and you'll see the review section there. So just smash that five star button and then leave us a short review. It doesn't need to be an essay, just a quick to the point review. And if you hear your review read aloud in a future podcast episode, you have won and we will give you a free masterclass. So all you have to do is DM us on Instagram or email us@infomtherapy.com can't get enough. I've never been into podcasts until now. Vanessa and Xander popped my cherry and I can't wait to hear more. My friend sent me their Instagram site and once I found out about the podcast, I listened to all episodes within two months. Months. Wow.

Wow.

It not only impressive. Yeah, that's really impressive. It not only helped my sex life, but helped me as an individual sexually and emotionally. I've been with my partner for six plus years and we just got married a few months ago. Our spark, after having a kid two and a half years ago, majorly depleted. This podcast helped me help myself in feeling more comfortable within my body and exploring new things with my now husband. Thank you, Vanessa and Xander for being vulnerable with personal experiences. It makes it so much more relatable and safe and for the invaluable advice and all the jokes.

Oh, thank you so much for this delightful review.

I love that. I love that. And yeah, for anyone that is into competition out there, let's see if you can listen to all our episodes in less than two months.

Okay, so let's get into these stories. I'll read the first one. I want my wife to role play as a friend of hers.

Oh, I'm seeing these for the first time right now. By the way, how come we never do that for you? Actually, it's always me that's getting surprised.

Well, this is kind of more like this is my work task preparing us for these episodes. But we can trade off for a week if you want to. I would love to be surprised actually. Okay. I'm already one line in and I'm hooked. Okay. She is grossed out by the idea, which I understand and accept. I'm wondering if the request is reasonable. It's not an integral part of my identity, just a turn on to think about other women in My life who seem to be attracted to or turned on by me. This is by my assessment and my wife's assessment. Wow. Okay, so it's not only that you want her to role play her friend, but you. You also think the friend is attracted.

To you, too, and that's why you want to role play. Yeah, because it's, like, more realistic, I guess.

Oh, okay. Xander, is this a reasonable request for this man to make? Okay, I have a strong opinion.

I think, okay, this is a reasonable request to make, but it is unreasonable to expect your wife to say yes. I think it is highly, highly, highly unlikely for her to say yes unless she is somehow turned on by this idea. And that's why she could be. Yeah, she could be. Which is why I'm saying, you know, it's reasonable to make this request. It's reasonable to shoot your shot. You know, we always advocate for, you know, when you are getting into a serious relationship, when you are getting married, when you are having these, like, relationship milestones to. To define the bounds of your relationship and kind of what is on the table and what is off the table, rather than this default assumption of monogamy. Because monogamy, even just the term isn't exactly clear what that means. Like. Like, you know, one could argue that it is totally monogamous to only have sex with one person and yet role play having sex with other people. Other people would be like, no, that is not monogamous. So, you know, I think that, yeah, I would advocate having talked about this earlier on and, like, is this type of thing on the table or off the table? Assuming you've never had this conversation, like, yeah, it's reasonable to say, hey, I want to know if this is something that you might be into or open to, but you should expect that there's a high likelihood that. That your partner is going to be like, yeah, I'm not into that idea. Like, not only am I not into it, that feels icky or maybe unsafe or, like, boundary violation to me.

Yeah, no, I'm in agreement with you here. I think just about any sexual desire or fantasy between consenting adults is fine. There is nothing wrong with being turned on by this idea by being curious about exploring it. Like, nothing wrong here. That being said, I don't think the likelihood of finding a partner who's willing to do this is very high. Like, that is sensitive. Like role playing your friend and feeling like. I mean, let's be real, though. For some people, this would be a big turn on millions of Americans grind or clench their teeth at night, including both of us. But most don't even know they're doing it. I actually found out that I was a teeth grinder from my dentist. They were doing a cleaning and like, hey, do you know that you grind your teeth? And I was like, no, I don't. They're like, yeah, you do. And it's causing damage.

Oh yeah, same, same for me. Except they told me for years and years and years and I refused to believe it until it started causing me tons of problems.

Yeah, I mean it can erode your enamel, it can lead to broken teeth, really expensive dental bills. So the solution to protecting your teeth is a mout mouth guard. But the problem is mouth guards from the dentist can cost you 500 to $800. And we have paid for those before. It is painful, which is why we are so excited to introduce you to our brand new podcast sponsor, Remy. Remy makes dental grade, professional quality mouth guards without the painful price tag. They are up to 80% cheaper than what you'd pay at the dentist and they don't require you to visit a dental office. So we thought this was so cool. They sent us at home impression kits to test out. So what do is you create molds of your teeth. It's super simple. They walk you through exactly what to do. But you create these molds, you send them back in the mail to Remy, you've already got like prepackaged, prepaid for postage stuff. And then their dental team makes your custom fit guards and sends them right back to you. Their guards are so comfortable to wear. Most people forget they're even wearing them. So if you're worried about like, oh my God, I've got to sleep with some things, it's going to be uncomfortable. It is absolutely not uncomfortable. And they've just really made the process so, so easy. You don't have to leave your house, you don't have to get an appointment with your dentist. You just literally mail it in and wait for it to get mailed back to you. And if you're feeling at all uncertain, they have a 45 night satisfaction guarantee. So you can try it risk free, sleep better, decide if it's the perfect fit. If not, Remy has got you covered.

Yeah, that, that is so huge because that, that's one of the biggest issues that I had when I was first using night guards. Go to the dentist. I'd spend all this money getting the mouth guard made and then it didn't feel comfortable and then I felt like I was in this horrible position of like, it's going to cost me so much more money to go back to the dentist and get this thing fixed. If I'd had that opportunity of a 45 night satisfaction guarantee, oh my God, I would have started doing this so much sooner.

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Yeah. Okay. So, yeah, going back to this, I forgot that at the beginning this person is saying she is grossed out by the idea, like they've already made the request. So I think that it is unreasonable to continue requesting that. I think that you have your answer. And yeah, it's great that you're saying I understand and accept that. I mean, I think that at this point, knowing that you, I don't know how you made this request. I can think of a number of ways to make this request, you know, in a, in as respectful way as possible. I can also think of a number of ways that one could have made this request that would have felt super icky. And so I'm not sure how you, how you, the person asking this made this request. You know, it might be worth circling back with her to just try to clarify, to make sure that she really understands that you understand and accept what she said. You understand how you can absolutely see how that feels gross. And probably clarifying for her because I'm sure that she is wondering, do you actually want to hook up with my friend? Are we role playing this? Because that's really what you want, but you know that you aren't supposed to do that. So I think it would be really important for you to clarify for her what this is about for you. And, you know, assuming that you don't actually want to hook up with her partner. You know, just trying to explain that, you know, oh, this is something that like sounded hot. It's not actually something I want to do in real life kind of, you know, like.

Well, but to be clear, also, if it's something that you do want to do in real life, like that's okay too. Like you could have a conversation with your partner about opening up the relationship, about, you know, having some sort of ethical non monogamy. There's nothing wrong with that either. But again, it's like it's a request that you're making of your partner, not a demand that you're making.

Yes. What do you.

Can you give examples of, like what would be icky ways to make this request versus okay, ways to make the request.

So I think that like icky ways to do this would be like bringing this up in the moment that you are starting to get intimate or like in the middle of sex or something.

Like springing it on your partner.

Yeah, like springing this on your partner. Like that's gonna feel that. It's just gonna feel gross if it's.

Happening in like a heightened, like Stacey right now.

Yeah, like in a heightened moment. Because then it's like either it's going to result in like, you know, the sex ending right there and it being like, oh, you know, like kind of like a gross out moment which you know, is gonna be problematic down the line, like possibly like triggering down the line or you know, or your partner, you know. Because I think very often in the moment when we're like, you know, turned on or we're wanting to please our partners, you know, you know, your partner might be more likely to say yes or like consider doing it and do it and then kind of regret doing it afterwards. So that is not a good time to bring this up versus, you know, on the flip side, I think the most respectful way to bring this up is at a totally neutral moment and say like, hey, I want to, like, I want to ask you a question about something that like I'm into or something that I think I would be into and would love to gauge your openness to trying and then lay it out for them and really lay out, like lay it out with a lot of context. Like, you know, whether it's something that you want to try but you don't actually want to try in real life or, or yeah, like getting really honest if it is something that you do want to try in real life, like, you know, saying that so that is clear to your partner they're having. They're getting all the info going into it rather than leaving it open for interpretation. All right, let's move on to our next one. Vanessa Is it reasonable to ask my partner to limit masturbation? He gets home before me every day and oftentimes will masturbate, usually to porn, which is another thing I've asked him to limit for the same reasons and then either not want to have sex if I initiate or not be able to come. It's also frustrating because I don't have the option as he is always home when I am, so I typically initiate before masturbating. I've asked him to sometimes involve me, text me about it or share a bit about what turned him on, or to wait for me to get home sometimes. I don't know if it's just a normal thing for men to masturbate a lot, but I feel like it interferes with our sex life. Specifically porn I feel desensitizes him from sex with me and he and he oftentimes has performance issues maintaining an erection or finishing, even if he hasn't already come that day. But he has no issues when he is masturbating. He says he masturbates and uses porn about once a week, but I feel like it is likely more January is.

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But recently we went on a trip and I had just run out of my bottle of One Skin so I didn't have any to pack with me. Uh oh, and my skin, I have these really sensitive areas like right on the sides of my nose that tend to get irritated, dried out, like very red. And almost right away like when I stopped using it, that irritation came back. I actually haven't had it in months because I've been using their products like really religiously. I've been so happy that I haven't had that irritation this winter and I just couldn't that it came back so quickly. So I'm very excited to share about One Skin with you. Founded and led by an all woman team of skin longevity scientists, One Skin is redefining the aging process with their proprietary OS1 peptide. The first ingredient proven to help skin look, feel and behave like its younger self. Get 15% off with Code Pillow at OneSkin co. That's 15% off One Skin co with Code Pillow. After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support Pillow Talks and tell them that we sent you. Invest in the health and longevity of your skin with One Skin. Your future self will thank you. Oh wait. I was, I was kind of picturing this going a different direction. If it's just like once a week, I was thinking this is an everyday kind of thing. So that last line trips me up a little bit. But in general, I would say I think it is definitely reasonable to ask your partner to be thoughtful about their masturbation habits. So my perspective on masturbation is that we all get to have our own unique personal relationship with our own bodies. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you're not allowed to masturbate anymore. That being said, when you're in a relationship, masturbation can get in the way of you connecting with your partner, which it sounds like is the case here. This person is saying like, I want to be having sex. I want to be like involved in the masturbation at the very least. And their partner is just like not really receptive to that. She's choosing masturbation and porn over being intimate with the person writing this in. So in that case, like, yeah, if it is getting in the way of your sex life, I do think it's something that you can and should talk to your partner about potentially decreasing. Again, it does trip me up a little bit that it's only happening like once, but I think they're Saying, like, I think it's happening more than.

Yeah, they're. Yeah, this is. Yeah, I was having the same confusion because this person is saying, he says that he does it about once a week, but then the way that they are describing it is it sounds like this is a consistent issue.

Yeah.

And so I think it would be too random if it's like, every single time I want to have sex, I come home and it happens to be the one day a week that he decided to do this. So I'm. It is not necessarily reasonable to like, set some kind of like, day limit. Like, okay, you are only allowed to do this X number of times a week or X number of times a month, because then you're just going to argue over the logistics. And this guy's already, he's already saying, oh, well, it's only once a week. Because, like, in theory, if this is only happening once a week, I would think this is probably not actually impacting you very much because then six out of seven days it's not happening. But what you're saying is it seems to clearly be impacting your sex life. Like, it's. It's impacting, like, his desire to want to say yes to you when you initiate, and it's impacting his ability to perform when you guys do. When you guys do have sex. So, like, there. Honestly, I think that it's actually reasonable for there to be a couple different requests within this, which is like, one, it is very reasonable to say, hey, it's feeling like your masturbation is impacting our sex life. I'm getting turned down a lot when I initiate because you've already done it earlier in the day. And so I'm not understanding why that is happening. And I would like us to prioritize having sex together over masturbation. So, you know, I think it would be reasonable to even say, like, if you're wanting to masturbate when you get home. Can you ask me? Like, can you, can you tell me so I have an opportunity to say, hey, I'd actually like to have sex when we get home. So could you not?

Could you not?

So could you not?

Yeah. My general rule of thumb is that when you're thinking about masturbating, invite your partner to be intimate first. It doesn't need to be a hundred percent of the time. This is not a, like, set in stone rule, but in general it's a good idea to just check with your partner first. So that way you're prioritizing the intimacy between the two of You.

Yeah. Now, another one is this person also mentions that. I think what they're saying is, like, that it's frustrating because they themselves don't have the opportunity to masturbate at home because their partner's always home. They are home.

That's a different request.

Yeah, so that's a different one if you are like, hey, I want to be able to masturbate. Like, well, one, like, don't let your husband being home stop you. I think if you want to be able to masturbate and say in a situation where perhaps you have initiated and he said no, might be worth having a conversation about, hey, in those situations, like, I want to go in the room and masturbate because, you know, I know you're doing that. And, like, I want to be able to have that relationship with my body too. There's absolutely nothing wrong with doing that. So if that's something you want, I do think that it's very reasonable for you to. I mean, it's not even reasonable. Like, it's not like you need to request that you are allowed to masturbate. There's no rule. It doesn't sound like there's any rule against that in your relationship, but, like, that's a conversation to have. And then the third one, I think is perhaps his masturbation and. Or porn usage is impacting his ability to perform outside of masturbation. And that is another issue that I think is very reasonable to make a request about. I don't know exactly what the request is, but it's like, it's important for our. For the good of our sex life that you figure out what is going on with your relationship with porn and masturbation and whether that's getting some help to do it less or to stop doing it or to masturbate in different ways so that it doesn't impact your ability to stay hard or to finish when we are together. Because that's a classic. It's a classic sign of, like, desensitization from, I don't know, death grip, from porn, from whatever.

Yep. Okay. So, yeah, I would say this is a totally reasonable.

Highly reasonable. Lots of reasonable things that you could request here or just do here, like your own masturbation.

Okay, here's our next one. Is this reasonable? I do not want to be talked to during my shower.

Okay.

My husband and I have been married for five years. We have two kids under six, and we both work from home. We're together all the time. And then when the kids are home, it's full Time parenting from us both. But let's be real moms, just take more of the parental load. So when it's time for my shower, it's the only peace I have. It's exhausting having two kids and a husband constantly need you all day and talk to you all day. I only have two ears. So when I take my shower, I. I want silence. I've told my husband many times that I don't want to be talked to when I'm in the shower. Any conversation can wait, and it's always about pointless things like sports, his stuff, or stupid memes I don't find funny. Like, can you not wait until I'm out? Am I being unreasonable?

No, not at all. I think this is a totally reasonable request.

Don't talk to me in the shower.

I know at first I laughed, and at first when I saw the little subject line on this one, I was like, this is ridiculous. But this actually makes perfect sense to me and it seems totally reasonable. I. Yeah, I mean, honestly, I love a solo shower, and sometimes you're in the bathroom and it's. Yeah, it's not. Not necessarily as relaxing as, wow. Hanging out there on my own.

I didn't know you like a solo shower. You're always trying to shower with me.

Sometimes it's nice to shower with you.

I get it. I get it. Too hot.

Yeah, you do get the water really hot. And I think it's really just because I'm taller. I'm like a foot taller, and so the water's hotter higher up.

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Yeah, no, so I totally understand this and it's, it is okay, set the shower aside. It is 100% reasonable and not only reasonable like required that as a mom or as a primary parent, primary caregiver that you have some amount of alone time because if you don't it is going to adversely affect your relationship with your partner is actually going to be bad for your partner. So you need alone time. It sounds like you have found the shower to be the alone time that you want. And so not only is it totally reasonable to say, hey, I need to have this alone time, it is non negotiable. It's totally reasonable for you to say yeah, and that's going to be in the shower. I would say if you have locks on the doors, like get in the shower, lock the fucking door.

I agree. That's exactly what I was thinking. I was like just lock the doors, don't let them come In. Don't let that man in.

Yeah, that's your bathroom, is your shower. Get in that shower, have your alone time. And hey, and I say, take a couple extra minutes to yourself.

I totally agree. Yeah. This is completely reasonable to me. It makes a lot of sense. This is something we hear about from parents all the time. Like, yeah, you're, you know, you're just in go mode. People are needing things from you all day long. You don't get very much alone time. You don't get time to take care of yourself. So for a lot of parents, a shower feels like the last remaining thing that you have. And so I fully support locking the door, not letting anybody come in, and just taking that time for yourself. But, yeah, I would definitely, like, loop back around to the husband and say, look, I think it's really sweet that you want to connect with me, that you want to talk to me, because, honestly, I don't think that the husband means anything malicious. He's probably looking at this as like, oh, my wife is alone. The kids are away. Maybe this is a little bit of time for connection for us. So I think he's probably approaching it honestly in a sweet way, like, trying to be like, oh, hey, it's my time to show you some funny memes and stuff like that and talk to you. So I don't think he's trying to bother her, but he's clearly not getting that she really needs this to be her own time. So I would talk about the two of them creating their own little ritual of time. So maybe it's like, you know, hey, as soon as the kids are in bed, we're gonna spend, you know, 10 minutes doing silly memes and catching up about our days, or, you know, we're gonna go out on the porch and have a glass of tea or a glass of wine and, you know, whatever it is. Like, make your own little ritual, but make it clear to your partner, like, I really need this time to just, like, be by myself, come back home into my own body, you know, find my patience, all that kind of stuff again. So, like, yeah, I really need to do this by myself.

All right, our next one is a doozy, babe. I wanted oral sex for my partner. We are a female male couple. He is great with receiving from me, but has never reciprocated. I asked in the early stages of our relationship, and he said he just liked us both to be able to enjoy sex at the same time. So he didn't do it. And now, much, much later in the game months, I Recently asked him about it again and he said that he actually associated it with his. His ex wife as it was something that he had only done with her. I asked if we could try it and he hesitantly said yes. I said to him that I could shave very short to make this more appealing for him, but he still seems hesitant. When I asked him how he would feel if I never gave him oral again, he said he would be sad and I said same. We have yet to explore this and I don't know how to approach it after our conversation. Is this reasonable to ask him for it again?

Absolutely. So far we are all like, these are all totally reasonable requests. It is totally reasonable to request the same thing of your partner that you willingly and gladly give to them. We hear this one so often and it honestly boils my blood a little bit that we women are so, so socialized to believe that we don't deserve the exact same things that we are giving to our partners. Like, there is nothing different about going down on a woman than going down on a man. Like, you deserve to experience this. So absolutely, it's reasonable to ask and I would encourage you to keep asking, keep talking about it. The whole thing about the ex wife, that is the most bullshitty excuse I've heard in a long time.

That's the unreasonable part.

I see it with my ex wife. Completely unreasonable.

Yeah. That is not a reasonable reason to not have oral sex.

You could say that about anything. Oh, well, my ex is the last person I had sex with, so I associate. My ex was the last person I went on date night with. So I associate date nights with my, like, get out of here, bud. But here's my hunch. I think that he is hesitant to do it because he's not confident in his skills.

That's really what's behind most men's hesitancy. Yeah, that or just real bad socialization.

If you don't feel confident in your skills, you don't feel like you know what you're doing or how to give your partner a good experience. Like, of course you're going to feel nervous and hesitant and like, well, I don't want to look like an idiot. I don't want to try something if I don't think I'm going to be any good at it. So I think that that's likely what's coming up for him. And so I would encourage you guys to check out our ultimate foreplay guides because those will teach you exactly what to do. Buy the set so that you get oral sex and manual Stimulation for both men and women. And that way you can both, like, learn together, and it really takes any sort of stigma away from it. Makes you both feel, like, excited and sexy exploring together.

Yeah. I mean, I would. I would even go as far as to say that, like, this is. This is, like, grounds for breaking up with someone. Like, you have to think, you know, you have to think about is, is this something that I'm willing to. Because at this point, this is a. Is this something I'm willing to put up with for the rest of my life? Am I able to. Am I willing to put up with no oral sex and a, you know, not only none of it, but, like, a partner that wants me? At least he's not saying, like, you have to give me oral, but a partner that absolutely wants oral but is unwilling to give it. Because I think you have to ask yourself, is that going to come up in other areas of your relationship, too? Is this the type of attitude that I'm willing to put up with in a partner? And if it's not, then I would have a real serious conversation with them and say, hey, this is probably going to become a deal breaker for me with our relationship. Now, if it is not a deal breaker and you're like, man, this would really suck. But I. I guess I could deal with that. Like, then, yeah, it wouldn't be unreasonable for you to say, all right, I guess oral is off the table for you if it, you know, if it's not, you know, unless it's something you really enjoy giving and you want to give regardless. But, yeah, if it feels. If that feels like it's something that's going to create resentment or feel super unfair, then it is also totally reasonable to say, okay, yeah, well, we're just going to take this off the table until you're willing to do it with me.

Yeah. I mean, I do want to say there are some exceptions where people have totally understandable reasons why oral sex is not something that they feel safe or comfortable doing. And in those cases, though, I really don't think it's fair to expect your partner to give it to you. It's like, there's got to be some fairness here. If you're not willing to give it, then you should receive it.

Yeah. Like, it would be a very different story if it was like, you know, hey, I was in a super abusive relationship, and my ex and my ex wife, like, forced me to give oral. And so, like, it's a traumatic experience.

Yeah.

For me, if you're like, oh, I was Married to someone, and they were the only person I did this with. Like, I mean, if. If we were all using that rationale for not doing things, like, the moment we had more than one relationship, like, we would be totally screwed in that next relationship because you would have had done a lot of the things that are important for relationships in the first relationship. So, yeah, I mean, if that's true for him, he's got to go to therapy and, like, talk through this.

I don't.

I think. I don't think it's really true. I think it's just an excuse. Yeah.

Okay, here we go. My wife and I have been married for almost five years. I've always been turned on by women wearing wedding dresses.

Okay.

My wife being no exception.

That's good.

So I was really looking forward to sex on our wedding night for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was me not communicating clearly about being excited about this part of our newlywed experience. Good on him for taking some responsibility here. We didn't have sex on our wedding night, instead having sex the next morning after the dress was already safely back in its garment bag, where it has remained until this day. My question. Is it reasonable for me to ask my wife if she'd be willing to get the dress out of the closet for a wedding night reenactment? It seems like it would be a big hassle for her, but it is also a big fantasy for me.

Oh, this is so cute.

I love this one.

I think it's. This is totally reasonable. This is such a. I don't know.

So cute.

It's like a low barrier for entry. Kink or fantasy?

Yeah, like.

Like one. You already have the wedding dress. You're not asking because, like, some. Some people might be like, hey, we're not married, and. But, like, I have this, like, you know, wedding dress fetish. And so, like, is it reasonable to make my wife go buy a $10,000 wedding dress even though we're not getting married, just so I can fuck her in it? And, you know, hey, I mean, depending on your financial situation, that could or could not be unreasonable. But this is, like, such. Yeah. The stakes are so low. You already have the wedding dress. Yeah. She has to put it on. Maybe you could help her. You'd probably get turned on by. By helping her with that. I mean, I'm guessing what it is for you is it's putting her into the dress and then taking her out of the dress. Right. So she's gonna have some assistance. And. Yeah, like, who's gonna Be like, oh, no, I'm. I don't want to ever put that thing on again.

This is one of the most pure, sweetest fantasies that I've heard. I love it, like, to be turned on by women in a wedding dress.

Should we try this, babe? I mean, you got your job.

I actually, if you. If this was a fantasy that you had, I would be so happy to fulfill this for you.

Yeah. I'm thinking that it isn't a fantasy for me, but I'm thinking that we should try it anyway. Because. Because we didn't have sex on our wedding night. We intentionally had sex the morning of.

Our wedding, which was such a hack. I loved it.

Yeah. Because we knew that by the time the, you know, wedding night came around that we were. The. The likelihood of us having sex and especially the likelihood of us having good sex was extremely low. And that was 100 the right decision because we had our wedding, then we had a wedding after party, and then there was a wedding after after party.

Yeah.

And I don't think we got home till like 5am and I. We had to be at the airport the next day for a flight to. To Tahiti. Quite early. Yeah. Sex would not have happened, but.

But if you had a wedding dress fetish, we could have made it happen.

Yeah, man. I'm curious. You know what? My gears are turning. I'm so. It's been so long. I don't even remember what you looked like in the wedding dress, so we should try this.

Do you remember what my wedding dress.

Could you describe had? Lace.

Yes. You were real hesitant about that, though.

No, it had lace. I know that. And I could find some photos.

What else? One other description of it?

I don't know. Nothing. It had straps that were like this wide.

Okay.

All right. Oh, she's impressed.

I mean, the bar is pretty low.

How would you describe it?

On my wedding dress, it was form fitting. It had a very open back.

That's right.

It was. It had a really pretty, like, but very small train.

That's right. Well, let's create some new memories. Let's create some new memories in this wedding dress.

It's honestly not that big of a pain in the ass. Like, wedding dresses are big. Getting them out of the garment bag. It depends, though. She might have had a real big dress. You can have some big ones, but it's not that big of a pain. I would just be. I would want you to be a little bit careful to, like, not rip it or stain it.

Yeah.

I think imagine, like, bringing it to the Dry cleaner and being like, can you get this come stain out of my wedding dress, please?

Yeah. No. Yeah. I guess the question is yes. Are you wanting to undress her and then have sex with her? Are you wanting to have sex with her in the wedding dress? Like, that might be.

I think in the wedding dress.

I mean, I don't. I don't know.

Just be a little bit careful.

Yeah, just be careful. Also another thing to consider. Think about what's going to turn you on here. Like, would you possibly be turned on by like, buying, buying like another just cheapo wedding dress that's like your sex wedding dress.

Your sex wedding dress wedding. I'm gonna buy a whole ass, like, tacky, cheap dress.

Just, I mean, this is a huge turn on for you and you want to do this regularly. You know, it's like, instead of lingerie, it's like, you know, it's a wedding dress thing. I'm just making suggestions here.

But yeah, I started your advice saying, like, this is such a low barrier to entry. You don't have to buy anything. Now you're telling him to buy something.

I'm. I'm just saying, okay, if. If your wife is like, oh, God. But like, well, if she's like, I don't fit into the wedding dress anymore or I'm worried about ruining it or something, then suggesting something like that is a possibility. But I think I would just be careful to. When you raise this request or describe this fantasy that you are very clear, just like you were for us. Of like, look, I did a real bad job of not communicating this when we got married. This would have been such a simple thing for me to just say in the moment, hey, you know what? I'm super turned on by the idea of having sex with you in your wedding dress. Like, as soon as we got back to our room. I didn't do that. And so that is 100% on me. I'm sorry that I didn't do that. I'm so glad that we had sex the next morning that was super hot and exciting. And there's a part of me that is missing that, you know, missing the experience of having done that. And I'm curious if you would be opening this, busting that dress out, and letting me fuck you in it.

Yeah. I would not be too nervous about making this request. I think there's a very high likelihood that she's gonna think this is so sweet and it will not be a tough ask to make.

Yeah, I mean, she might be super into it too. You could Even talk about, like, hey, is there any, like, fun, like, roleplay that we could do in this dress that would feel like just romantic or sexual?

Play her friend.

Yeah.

The bridesmaid.

Do not. Yeah, do not do that.

I mean, you can do that, but just be. Just be gentle about how you bring it up.

All right, we got one more. I bought a card game for my husband and I. One of the questions was, what about me turns you on? I gave a nice thought out answer. His response was everything. I lightly pushed for a little more. Instead, he just said, I don't know, you just always turn me on. I asked him to be a little more specific because I wanted to feel wanted and special. And he said, I don't know, I'm not good with words. It was such a teenager fuckboy thing to say. So I just said, let's come back to that question later, because that hurts that you can't name one specific thing that turns you on about me. I feel like I'm not special. Like, anyone could be in my place. Is it reasonable for me to want an answer?

Man, we're five for five. I think these are all reasonable. I think it's totally reasonable to want an answer to this question. And I really sympathize with this person. I would be pretty bummed out too, if you couldn't name a single reason why you were turned on by me. But I want to give the husband the benefit of the doubt here because sometimes people just feel a little put on the spot, and it's hard to, like, come up with an answer. And then especially if your partner's like, hey, why can't you come up with an answer? You're kind of like, the doubling down gets you more anxious and even more of a mental block comes up. So I'm hoping that that's just what happened here, that he was just struggling to, like, come up with an answer because of the anxiety, not because he's like, oh, I don't know. Not really anything gets me turned on by about you. So I'm gonna hope that that's what happened here. So I would definitely recommend, like, like, she said, let's come back to the question later. But it sounds like she never did. So I would definitely recommend coming back and saying, hey, have you thought any more about that question? I would really love an answer. Or I would maybe even, like, text that to him ahead of time to, like, just give him a little bit more time to think about it.

Yeah, like, I would love an an. You know, I would love an answer to that question, I would, you know, let's. We're gonna talk about it tonight at this time or something like that, so that he has a whole day or number of hours to actually think about it rather than, hey, come back to this when you have an answer. And then it's like he goes, okay. And then a couple days go by and like, he conveniently forgets.

Yeah. The whole, like, I'm not very good with words, that is something that we hear about from men a lot. And I do think it's important to recognize that men get so much shitty socialization about not being in tune with emotions. Men are not supposed to feel emotions. So therefore, if you're not supposed to feel them, you never develop the vocabulary for being able to describe. And a lot of men, like, just are living these really shut down, sad lives where they're not able to, like, really fully describe things. So I want to have some compassion for this guy because again, I don't think that he's doing this to be an asshole. Like, he's not saying, like, nothing about you is sexy. He's just, like, struggling to put it into words. And so that could be a really interesting kind of secondary conversation to have together of like, hey, what is it like for you when you're, you know, I'm asking you to describe, like, deeper or more meaningful or emotional things, and it's hard for you to come up with an answer like, what was this? What. How were emotions treated in your family growing up? Did you guys in your family, did you ever ask each other, like, these deeper questions? Or were most of the conversations in your family pretty surface level? Like, this could be a great opportunity to get to know each other better and to also, like, it's okay for your partner to say, I'm not very good at words. Like, I'm not good at this emotional kind of stuff. That's fine for them to say it, but there also needs to be a desire to get better. Yeah.

It's not an excuse for just not doing it. It's fine to be like, yeah, I.

Put it so I'm never gonna do it ever in my entire life.

Yeah. It's fine to be like, hey, I'm really struggling with this right now because this is something I don't feel very good at or because I don't have a lot of experience doing this. So let me think about it and get back to you. Rather than being like, I'm not good at this, therefore I'm excused from needing to do this and you know, he could also be worried that this is a trick question. And I think that this is more and more likely the more times you've brought this up, the more you, you know, the more that you say, hey, I really want an answer to this. Or like, hey, why haven't you given me an answer? He might be thinking, oh, there must be some very specific answer that you are looking for. Because in his mind, he probably feels like, oh, well, I already gave an answer, I said everything. Even though it's not a good answer.

Yeah. I do think that a lot of men, when they get questions like this from women, like, they have this tendency to think it's a trick question.

Yeah, It's a trap.

And to be fair, sometimes we do ask questions like that, unfortunately.

Yeah. So if that's what's coming, if that's actually what's going on for you, then maybe it's not reasonable to. But assuming that that's not the case, and assuming that, you know, he's just sort of gotten into his head, like he. He probably feels backed into a corner, like, oh, I thought I gave an answer. And then she's saying it's not a good enough answer. I'm not saying to you, I'm not saying this is what happened. I'm saying this is how he might be feeling. He's like, well, okay, well, I answered it and, oh, well, it's not a good enough answer. Oh, she really wants an answer. Oh, God, she must really want something specific. Like, this is a test. I don't know how to pass the test. So it's better to avoid the. It's better not to take the test than to fail the test. I think that is what goes on deep down in a lot of guys brains and situations. I know this. This has happened to me many times in the past. This is something I catch. Like, this is like a thought process or dynamic I catch myself in still. I think it's kind of hardwired into our brains in some ways. And so he might be thinking, well, okay, like, you know, he might have a couple examples of like, maybe like, physical traits. Because I think a lot of guys will jump to physical stuff, you know, as like, oh, what turns you on? He might be like, oh, yeah, well, I have a bunch of physical answers to that. But she's gonna say that that's too shallow, or she's gonna think that that's, you know, the only thing I care about is what she looks like, and that's gonna be hurtful. So I can't Say that. Yeah. So, you know, I think that it's important for you, the person asking this, to be like, hey, there's no wrong answer to this question. There's no wrong answer. Could be something physical, it could be something emotional. It could even be a specific example of a time I was super turned on. I think that that could be a really helpful way to get him out of that trap mentality.

So today we've had actually a lot of fairly reasonable requests that you can make of your partner.

There have been some unreasonable things that partners have been saying though, like behind.

The scenes, within the questions of unreasonableness.

There'S been plenty of unreasonableness.

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Well, that is all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about purity, culture, Redoing, the whole thing. Cut the whole thing. Dramatic Vander response. Okay.