EPISODE 26: Are You Good In Bed?

It was our third or fourth time having sex and he was ignoring my request. I moved my own hand there to stimulate. He immediately responded, gross. And moved my own hand.

Wow.

He said I just needed to relax and then I would be fully able to enjoy his work. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had.

Can you even fuck?

I really hope that nobody is listening to this episode with their kids around. I think we've trained our audience to know that this is not a podcast to listen to with your kids around.

But yeah, I think that by now you should know that. I think. I mean, we are. What, this is our 26th episode. If this was your first time listening. And somehow Pillow Talks sounded like maybe just something fun loving for the whole family. Sorry, I hope you'll give us another shot.

Xander had the idea to start our podcast off that way, and I just rolled with it. So hopefully that is fine with everybody. But we are tackling the big question today, which is, what makes someone good in bed? So this is a really big question, and I bet every single one of us has felt stress about this at some point in our lives or another.

Oh, yeah.

So we decided we wanted to gather some research and ask people. So we turned to our institute Instagram audience. We're ennessamarintherapy, if you're not following us yet. And we basically ask people, okay, tell us what specifically makes someone good in bed? So think back to, like, your best sexual experiences, your best sexual partners. Like, what was it exactly that happened? Because I think a lot of us, like, we don't take the time to think into detail.

Oh, yeah, we're just. We're like, oh, yeah, that person was good. That person was bad. I want good sex. But, like, do you really know what. What actually makes sex good?

Exactly. So we also asked, what makes someone bad in bed? And we specifically asked, what are the qualities that people had that made them bad in bed? So we got hundreds, I think, actually thousands of responses from people. We really took a look at all the data, and there were some various major themes that emerged. So we got a ton of different responses, but a lot of these same ones kept coming up over and over and over again. So we are going to share those with you today. We're really excited to unpack these themes and to talk about how you can use this intel to sharpen your skills and be an amazing partner in the bedroom. Because who doesn't want to feel good in bed, right?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. And have you ever tried to become better in bed? Like, I, I think that we all want to be good in bed, but, like, I doubt most of us are actually practicing any skills. We just, we just kind of. Each sexual interaction is like, okay, I'd better be good. This is going to be better than last time. I'm just gonna hope, I'm gonna hope I get better. But, like, when was the last time you actually were like, I wanna work on this?

No, that's a really, really great point. I think because we don't take the time to think about what does it actually mean to be good in bed. We all put this pressure on ourselves to perform to be great in bed, but we haven't really thought through, like, what does that actually mean and what are the specific steps that I take to do that? So we're actually gonna be sharing a ton of examples that people gave us. Like, we also asked for, like, tell us your stories. Don't just tell us, I don't like a partner who is. Blah, blah, blah. So we're going to share specific things that you can do to embody and to avoid all of these key characteristics.

Oh, yeah. But first we are going to share my favorite part of the podcast. Our review of the week. Five stars. Thank you for those five. So they gave us five stars in iTunes or in, sorry, itunes. Dating myself. In Apple podcasts, they also put five emoji stars. I just want to be really clear because I know it's my job to, to read and interpret emojis. I don't think there's anything else to interpret here other than they just really wanted us to know. They gave us five stars.

Thank you for all the stars.

Thank you for the five stars. Growing up in a highly conservative household, my parents rarely if ever talked about sex. And I'm getting married in January, so this has been a bit of a challenge for me. What is this emoji? Like, like nervous smile, like, like sweating and smiling.

I wish you guys could see what he's doing right now. He's doing like a little jazz hands dance.

It's kind uncomfortably excited.

Why don't you describe the emoji. What does it look like?

Uncomfortably excited.

No, but what is the actual picture?

Oh, I mean, it's a smile with one little tear or perspiration drop on the brow. So I think uncomfortably excited is the correct interpretation.

Okay.

All right. I always knew the basics, but that was pretty much the sum of it. So ever since being with my fiance, finding your page on Instagram and then finding your podcast has been a literal lifesaver. You guys are the best in making things so clear and simple. It's been so fun listening to you guys on my way to work, and I know my fiance appreciates it too. Crying, laughing.

There you go.

I don't. I don't know why she's crying, laughing.

But she's laughing so hard.

Okay. Yeah, great. That's good. The shame behind sex and purity has always been so prevalent in my life, and listening to you guys has really helped the way I see sex and how I feel towards sex now. So thank you, heart. Thank you. We heart you, too.

Thank you so much for your review. We love your reviews. It means the world to us to see them coming in, and it really, really helps the podcast grow. So if you haven't heard us talk about this before, we do a weekly giveaway with our reviews. So how it works is leave us a review. In Apple Podcasts, every single week, we pick a review of the week to feature on the podcast. If you are picked, and basically you get entered every single week going forward.

For life.

For life. If you get pick, then you can go over to Instagram DM us@ VanessaMorinTherapy, and you can ask us a question or tell us about your situation. And we will give you a personalized mini coaching session. Totally private, just one on one. But it's just our little way of saying thank you. Two on one. Excuse me. It's just our little way of saying thank you for taking the time to leave a review seriously. The podcast could not exist without your reviews. So thank you so much.

Yes, thank you.

Wow, that was so serious.

I'm genuinely. I genuinely have gratitude for all of you leaving reviews and enjoying our podcast.

That's very sweet.

Thanks.

All right, so let's get into it. So we decided to go to our Instagram account and do some polls. So we asked people, do you feel like you're good in bed? And I kind of put a little disclaimer there. I said, be totally honest and raw and vulnerable. Like, your answer is anonymous. We're not going to be sharing anything. We just really want to get a genuine read on. Do you feel like you're good in bed?

Yeah. I mean, basically, like, is this podcast episode even necessary? Do we have a bunch of people that are just like, absolutely killing it in bed? And you'd be like, okay, yeah, I don't care about this. I already know what's up.

52% of people said no, I don't think I'm good in bed. 48% said yes. And like usual when we do these kinds of polls, we got a ton of DMs of people saying, you've really increased my confidence following your account and doing your courses. Now I feel like I am. But before finding you, I never would have said yes to this question.

So a lot of people are going to listen to this and have some things to work on, which is awesome.

Yeah. We also asked, would you say that your partner is good in bed? And 67% of people said yes. Only 33% said no. So that's 67 yes as compared to 48 yes. In general, most people seem to think that their partner is better in bed than they are.

This is really interesting. I wonder if this is sort of like a true difference or if this is an example of the way that we can very easily tend to be harsher on ourselves than on others. I wonder if this is sort of like a self judgment or negative self talk kind of thing.

Yeah, low self confidence. We'll get to that a little bit later. So we wanted to start with what makes people bad in bed? What are the things that we want to avoid? There was a very, very clear winner in this category here. By far and away the most common response was someone who is selfish in the bedroom. So here are a couple of stories that people shared with this. My ex boyfriend never did anything for me was a jump in, hump, come, hop off. I rarely orgasmed. I've never heard sex described that way. Jump in, hump, come hop off, Jump, hump, come hop. Okay, someone else said I suggested a position change. He said, I kind of like to do my own thing.

Wow. Why are you even having sex with someone if you would just like to do your own thing?

Masturbate. Oh my God. Can you imagine somebody saying that to you?

Wow, I. Wow, I'm dumbfounded. I am dumbfounded. You know, I think I actually, I'm going to admit something here. I don't think. No, I don't think that. I reviewed our podcast notes since you dropped in these.

Oh, I didn't either. Our team member Keely, she Went through all of your responses to get, like, gather specific stories. We looked at the trends and made sure we saw, but we kind of posted a follow up that makes sense.

And. Yeah, I'm truly dumbfounded.

Yeah.

Like, I don't even know what headspace I would need to be in to say that to someone.

I kind of like to do my own thing.

Yeah. Why am I even here then? Okay.

And then our final story about selfishness in the bedroom. Said I asked him to go down on me once. He did for about one minute and acted like he made a huge sacrifice.

It's so hard that one minute, the hardest minute of my life.

This one makes perfect sense. Right. Like, sex is supposed to be an act that we're sharing together. And you wanna know that your partner cares about your experience. Experience. That they're just not in it to basically, like, masturbate with you. Happening to be there.

Yeah. Like you were their sex toy and that's it.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that feels so gross. So this one's completely understandable. And I think that it's also something that's pretty easy to avoid too. Like, it really doesn't take that much to not be selfish in the bedroom.

Yeah. You know, just focus on your partner. Like, generosity is sexy.

Absolutely.

All right, so the next most common response for bad in bed was a partner who is judgmental. No one wants a judgmental partner, especially when we're doing something really vulnerable.

Yeah. You don't want a judgmental partner inside or outside of the bedroom.

Yeah. So I can't think of any scenario where you really want a judgmental partner. Maybe. Unless their occupation is they are a judge. That's. That's the best that I can think of. But you know what? Don't take that. Don't take that work home with you. Leave it in the courtroom.

Do we have any judges in our audience?

Yeah. Do we have any judges, any members of the judiciary following us? Hit us up on Instagram. We would love to know, do you take your. Judgmentalness is judgmental. That's a word. You take your judgments home with you, or do you leave them on the courtroom floor? Mic drop.

Oh, corny.

Okay, okay, okay. Judges aside, someone on Instagram told us a partner of theirs had said, girls, bodies are so complicated, they should just take care of themselves after, like, presumably, like, after I finish. Don't be with a woman then if that's not. If they're so complicated, like, do it with yourself. Do it with a guy. Like, pretty simple.

Yeah, for sure.

Like, I Mean, you know, maybe men's bodies aren't so complicated. Could be a lot easier.

They absolutely are not more or less complicated. We can't break it down by gender here. Next one up was arrogance. Another very unsexy quality in the bedroom. So we got a bunch of stories from Instagram about this one. One of my exes called himself the Jackhammer.

Why would you call yourself that? I mean, like, I can think of a very sort of, like, narrow way in which that would be cool. Like, oh, I just slammed the shit out of it.

No, it's not cool.

But, like, who wants that? Like, even in porn, which is over the top, it's not. Like, all you see is jackhammering. Such a weird thing where you would be like, oh, yeah, that's what makes.

Me good in bed. Also, you can't come up with your own nickname inside or outside of the bedroom. You have a friend who tried to come up with his own nickname.

Oh, yeah, my college roommate. You know, one of my best friends. Not sure if he's listening or not. But yeah, freshman year of college, he did attempt to coin his own nickname, Hot Sauce. Did not catch on. You know, it's. I don't even know how long later it is now.

How long later?

How many years it's been, you know, 18. It's been 18, 19 years since then. And he still tries to throw a little hot sauce in every now and then. Sorry, Ben, not happening.

You just can't come up with your own nicknames. And definitely not inside the bedroom. And definitely not the Jackhammer. But this person said, I felt like I was. Was being shaken to death. Not enjoyable. Another person said they heard a partner say, I can go all night.

Oh. I mean, I feel like this is something that a lot of guys say or a lot of guys aspire to.

And all night is like five minutes, but really.

But also, like, does anyone really want to go all night?

I know. It's like those R B songs. Like, you know, we'll go all night. We can. Or it's like, that Color me bad. We can do it till we both wake up. It's like, first of all, well, say is that we don't have to go all night.

Maybe sleep sex. That. That can be sexy.

Never made. Yeah, that lyric never made sense. We can do it till we wake up. No, Nobody wants to go online. And then another person said, my ex wife used to brag about using her tongue ring for my pleasure to other people, except she never went down on me. Lesbian relationship, by the way. That's another level of, like, bragging about your sexual prowess, but it's a total.

Lie kind of gaslighty. It's like, yeah, like, oh, yeah. Like, I use this tongue ring on you all the time, except I don't.

When.

Yeah, that's like, yeah. Kind of a weird, ego, maniacal kind of.

That's a weird one.

Next, negative sex characteristic. Demanding. Are you sensing a trend yet in these things? Arrogance, judgmental, selfish, demanding. I think this one, there's a pretty common, stereotypical example of demanding, which is just so many men will push a woman's head down instead of communicating with words that they would like some oral sex.

Oh, yeah. That sense of somebody feeling like they feel entitled to certain activities. They don't have to ask for consent. They don't have to ask for permission. They can ask, period.

It's like, I shouldn't need to ask for this, and you should already be doing this.

Yeah. Yeah. That's really icky. All right, next we're gonna go over some ones that aren't quite as intense, maybe not quite as egregious, but they're still things that are really challenging for people to deal with in the bedroom. One of them is insecure. So one story that we got was this guy kept talking about how his penis was small. I honestly didn't care at all until he wouldn't stop talking about it, and he took me out of the experience. So I think insecurity is a challenging one, because I would say most of us struggle with confidence in the bedroom, right? Like, most of. I mean, yeah, most people didn't feel like they're good in bed. Most of us have body insecurities or worries. And I think it's important for us not to cross over this line where we're pretending to be so cocky and so full of ourselves and confident. It's okay for us to be authentic and to acknowledge, hey, I'm not feeling super confident or I'm not quite comfortable. Like, I think that's okay. But it also can cross a line into that area, too, where we become so fixated on our insecurities, on the things that we think are not good enough about us, that we end up, like, ruining the experience for ourselves and for our partner. I think this is the perfect example of it's okay for this guy to have felt insecure about his penis. That's understandable. I think most guys are insecure about the size of their penis, but to, like, go to the extent where you're talking about it so. So so much that you then ruin the other person's experience when they didn't even care in the first place.

Yeah. I mean, it's interesting that this person didn't care, didn't notice, only noticed once it got called to their attention. And it sounds like it just got called to their attention so much. At that point, there wasn't anything for that person to even say. If they had, say, just had sex and this person hadn't continued to bring up feeling insecure about their penis size, they could have ended up having a real confidence building experience of like, oh, I just had great sex with someone and nobody complained about the size of my penis. But instead it was just sort of a guarantee that it went in a bad direction.

Yeah. So we know that confidence in the bedroom is such a struggle for most of us. So we actually have a brand new masterclass that we just released today. The day that we are recording this, we will put the link to check that out in the show notes. It's a really straightforward masterclass. It's quick, it's to the point, but it gives you very practical, doable tools for increasing your confidence in the bedroom and getting rid of this insecurity.

The next one is being distracted. I think in this day and age, we have a lot of things that compete for our attention. But the reality is when you're having sex, like, there really shouldn't be anything else competing for your attention. Hopefully.

Yeah. I mean, you want to feel like your partner. You have your partner's full attention and they're like there with you and present with you.

Oh, yeah. So an example of this was someone was saying they were with a partner who kept pausing to answer texts. No. And oh, not only. And then he answered a phone call. What this sounds like, she didn't really describe, like, was this like a long term relationship? Honestly, this sounds like a one night stand type of situation. Wow. To be answering text like, what?

Nobody is that important that you need to be checking your phone during sex?

And then another example started hitting his vape mid intercourse. I was completely offended. Okay.

I cannot imagine somebody just like, hold on one sec, like, let me go grab my vape. And what do they do? Just like blow the smoke in your face? Do they tell you to turn around or something? Like, how does that even work logistically? That's terrible.

I don't know. Don't do that. It's really simple. Just wait. Just wait. Do it after.

Yes. All right. Another common response was unenthused. I think for me, this might be the worst one.

Oh, yeah. I mean, no one wants to be having sex with, like, an inanimate object. Yeah.

If you can just sense that they're not into it, they're not excited, they don't want to be there.

Yeah.

Someone on Instagram said my partner acts like sex is an inconvenience to him. I respect that everyone has different relationships with sex, but there's no way I can feel excited about having sex with him when he's so apathetic. And I could totally agree with that.

I can understand from the way that we were raised all kinds of factors why someone might have not so great of a relationship with sex, where sex maybe feels like a chore or it feels shameful. But if this is something that's coming up for you, this is a really good example of something that you can go talk to a therapist about. Try to get to the bottom of what's coming up for you, because these are things that you can work on.

Yeah. And it's also just not a pleasant experience for you too. Like, for the person who's feeling unenthused.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe there are issues of, like, safety that come up or. Yeah. The idea of, like, having sex that you don't want to be having, I mean, that's hard for the giver of that attitude as well as for the receiver.

Oh, yeah. All right. Being passive. But is another one. It's kind of a similar trend. Distracted, unenthused, passive. Is I sort of not really being there, not being involved. So someone on Instagram was saying that they finally hooked up with their childhood crush and then he just laid there doing nothing.

Yeah. Yeah. That's another tough one for sure. When you're just like, hello, are you.

Yeah, are you there? Do you want to do this?

Yeah. All right. And finally we have hasty. So kind of like being in a rush. So someone said literally every time a guy has ignored foreplay or the clit and just goes straight in, what did that other person say? It was a jump in, hump, come, hump, pop off kind of situation.

Yeah. Take your time.

I mean, there is a time and place for having quickies, for sure. Like, once you're more established with each other, you know how to get each other off and, like, feeling good in a quick amount of time. But. But other than that.

Yeah. The goal should be that both of you have a good, enjoyable, pleasurable time. Ideally, both of you orgasming, if that's what you want.

But everyone who wants an orgasm gets an orgasm.

Everyone who wants an orgasm gets an orgasm. Regardless of orgasm, I think everyone deserves some pleasure and enjoyment out of sex and connection too.

Okay, so then we got this doozy of a story that is a combination of so many of the things that we just mentioned. So let me read this one. Early in a relationship, I kept mentioning how much I like clit stimulation. By the way, totally normal for a vulva owner. Back to the story. It was our third or fourth time having sex and he was ignoring my request. I moved my own hand there to stimulate. He immediately responded gross. And moved my own hand.

Wow.

He said I just needed to relax and then I would be fully able to enjoy his work. I went, his work?

His work.

I bet he had a nickname for himself too.

The Worker.

The artist. The Worker. All right, back to the story. I went to the bathroom embarrassed, annoyed, and avoiding confrontation. After about 20 minutes, I texted him from the bathroom, lying that I didn't feel well and he should just leave. He did. I never went out with him again. Thank God. Cause he did not deserve it.

Yeah, good. Good move.

And it was years before I mentioned clitoral stimulation in front of another partner. He moved hand.

That's up.

That's so up.

And I am so sorry to this person who wrote in. It took you years to even mention that you like clitoral stimulation. I imagine it probably took you longer to feel comfortable doing that to yourself again during sex. I'm so sorry that happened. That's horrible. And scarring and traumatizing. Just please don't do that. If you have ever. If you feel like it's weird that your partner might want to touch themselves or show you what they like, I would invite you to reexamine that belief.

Okay, so that's the end of our bad list. And I just want to say before we move on to the good in bed qualities and characteristics, we always like to assume the best in people. Like, yes, there are absolutely just some straight up jerks out there. But I think that the majority of the people who behave badly in the bedroom, it's because of shame or embarrassment or trauma or not knowing any better or a lac of education. Like, there are so many ways that all of our relationships with our own sexuality get harmed. And sometimes we act out that hurt that we have experienced ourselves. We act it out with other people. You know, I don't want to shame anybody. If you're listening to this and being like, oh my gosh, I've been really passive or I've been really hasty or whatever it is. Like, we don't want to Shame you, especially if you're kind of having this self reflection and realizing like, wow, yeah, actually some of this crap that I've been taught about sex, like it has been getting in my own way. And similarly, like, we don't want you just jumping up and, you know, judging all of your partners, like, what a terrible jerk. All that to say a lot of bad behavior in the bedroom can absolutely be turned around with some insight, some desire for change, some open mindedness. Yeah. It's not all just coming from like a terrible place.

Yeah. So let's talk about what are some things that actually make you good and bad? What are some things that you can focus on, that you can think about working on? Identify some strategies for really improving. Improving. All right, so some examples that people gave of, you know, what makes a really attentive or a caring partner. So one person said after, care if I had an orgasm or not. So cuddling, talking, et cetera, connecting after we clean up, going back into bed and not just like moving on to the next thing.

Okay, so a sense of presence all throughout the experience.

Yeah. It's like I'm here for more than just the sex, you know, like I was.

Even if it's just a casual hookup, like there's still ways that you can convey like, hey, I care about you, I care about your experience. Even if we're just casual, even if.

We'Re just strangers asking questions, if I don't seem present, you know, trying to form connection. Make sure that you're on the same page and figure out ways that you can keep increasing connection throughout sex. And then finally willing to spend time figuring me out and making sure I don't feel like I need to rush.

Yeah. So that sense of just like, I'm here with you in this experience, I want you to have a good experience and I'm willing to put effort into making sure that you have a good experience.

Yeah. And I think it's just like, you know, when you're dating someone, it's important that the person you're dating is interested in who you are, like as a person. Similarly, when it comes to sex, I think it's important that you try to figure out who your partner is physically, how their body works. Because like everybody's body is different. Different things bring each of us pleasure. And so some technique that you have that you used with your last partner isn't necessarily going to work with a new partner at the beginning. It's so important to really like figure your partner out what brings them the most pleasure. What do they like? What don't they like? And, you know, really leaning into that rather than just being like, oh, I'm going to get to work. I know exactly what I'm doing.

I'm the worker.

I'm the worker. The worker. Jackhammer.

Worker jackhammer.

Putting on my road work best.

That's quite a mouthful of a nickname. All right, next up, we have confidence. So people gave specific examples of, like, initiating sex, trying new things in the bedroom. And then I liked this one a lot. Somebody said, like, being okay with an understanding of normal bodily functions, like queefing during sex. I love that somebody gave this as a specific example for confidence. Just like normalizing, hey, sex isn't perfect. We're not talking about confidence in the sense that every single moment of the interaction has to be perfect and effortless and spontaneous and flawless. But this idea of just acknowledging the normalness of sex, the normal things that can happen, like that felt like confidence to this person. Like we mentioned a few minutes ago, if you are looking to increase your confidence in the bedroom, we have a brand new masterclass us. It's very inexpensively priced right now because we want to make this as accessible as possible for you. So we will link that in the show notes. It's got tons of specific things that you can do to increase your confidence in the bedroom and some more really interesting takes on confidence, too. And actually, there are ways that we get confidence very wrong. I think most of us have a very flawed understanding of what confidence actually means.

Yeah, it's easier than you think. It is probably closer to attainment than you realize.

Perfect.

All right, so what else makes you good and bad? Generosity. A lot of people saying, my partner always making sure that I have an orgasm if I want one. I mean, I'm not even sure if that's generosity technically. Like, that's maybe just like reciprocation.

That's a really good point. Honestly, I think sometimes we have such low expectations of people in the bedroom because so many of us have had such terrible experiences that when we get to a place where we even just have basic reciprocity, a lot of us are like, oh, my God, that person's so generous in the bedroom. Yeah. I mean, I can't tell you how many DMS we get in particular from women who sleep with men who say things like, oh, well, I just want some tips about how do I talk to him about focusing on me? Like, he just finishes and then he's done. And a lot of women feel like they almost feel like they're the ones being selfish for wanting a little bit of attention in the bedroom.

Yeah. Some other quotes from people around generosity. People said they're looking for someone who is horny for other people's pleasure.

I love that.

Yeah, I get off on other people's pleasure.

Oh, yes.

You down with opp? Yeah, you know me. Oh, my God. Art, can we please insert a little clip?

I don't know, maybe some copy.

Maybe there's some copyright issues, but. Wow.

I keep talking about merch every week, but, like, wouldn't you want a horny for OPP tote bag?

Oh, my God. Wow. That's good. That's good.

I just. You know, I've mentioned merch every week, and not a single person has DM'd to say that they were interested in it. But I'm just gonna start making it. Cause I really want a horny for other people's pleasure tote bag.

That's really funny, because as you started to say that, you know, like, oh, I've been, like, mentioning merch every single week. And before you said, no one has DMed me, I was like, yeah. I mean, it feels like we're getting closer and closer to launching that merch line. Like, they're just getting better. The ideas are getting better and better and better. Is it just us?

Literally just me. Nobody would buy it. I'm just gonna set up my own little custom zazzle store.

Yeah, we're not gonna make any money off this. Just. Just for fun.

No one will get it. Okay, keep reading the quotes.

Oh, my God. I gotta, like, reel it in after that one. All right. Chore play, foreplay, and core play are all important. What the hell is core play? Right there. What's core play, babe?

Core play. People usually refer to it as just, like, the essential experience that you're having. Because sometimes we talk about foreplay, but we've always said we don't love the word foreplay because it kind of implies, you know, oral and manual stimulation. Those are the things you do before intercourse, because intercourse is the only thing that counts. So some people use core play to talk about, like, the whole experience of pleasure.

Oh, so core play is not like the intercourse. The core play is everything.

A more broad definition. Also, it's confusing because core play can. Some people have also started using it to refer to people who can have orgasms from flexing their core muscles.

Is that really possible?

It's possible for some. A few lucky individuals. All right, let's move on. Our next quality is presence. Somebody really being like Present in the moment there with you. And we kind of talked about this one earlier. A lot of the good and bad qualities are like opposites of each other.

I was gonna say, what I take away from this, this is like some really legit things that we got. It's not like we got one answer for what makes you bad and like totally different answers for what makes you good, or we did not get any conflicting answers. The stuff that's good is literally the opposite of all of these bad qualities. The bad qualities are the opposite of the good qualities. Like, it should be pretty clear after you listen to this that, like, this is how you become good and this is how you become bad.

And I would say, like in our sex life, I think the best sex that we have is when we are both like really present in the moment.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. And unfortunately, like, you're not always able to be totally. That level of presence. There's stuff that goes on in life. We get distracted by things, but aspiring for that. Absolutely. Like the times when we're both 100% locked in. It's so good.

Presence is really the key to enjoying anything in life. It's pretty remarkable. Like if you really ground down into the moment and allow yourself to be like fully and completely present in that moment. You can get enjoyment washing the dishes or just staring outside the window. If you're truly present.

Flexing your abs or flexing your abs.

Absolutely. Okay, so some other specific examples that people said were making eye contact during sex, being able to feel like that connection through your partner's eyes. Someone else said, not just thrusting away. No jackhammer, no jackhammer.

Not welcome here.

And someone else said, knowing whether to be tender, rough, or somewhere in between based on the vibe. And I think that's such an underrated quality too, is kind of being able to like, like read the energy in the moment. Like, what are you longing for? What do you sense your partner is longing for?

So you need to be like sex dj, read the.

Read the room, read the vibe. Yeah, yeah, what's the vibe?

Put the right track on being communicative. Also a very positive attribute. So some examples of that. Asking questions, listening, identifying non verbal cues. Kind of like what we were just talking about. Telling you what they like and probably asking what their partner likes as well. Giving compliments. Some people were saying simply asking if something feels good goes a really long way. Like, again, that feels so basic. But especially when you're with somebody new. Check in. How's that feel? Do you like this better than that? That kind of stuff.

And this is such an interesting one because I think we are all taught to believe that we shouldn't have to communic during sex, that good sex is supposed to just happen naturally and effortlessly. So I was so glad to see if I was making this list. I would have put communication at the top. But I was so glad to see other people specifically labeling this as like, this is a great quality to have in bed.

Yeah. I mean, someone else also said, I want my partner to pay attention to my cues and body language to tell him what to do. I think that's also important to verbally give some cues as well. You know, like you were just saying sex shouldn't be this total, totally silent thing where we're just like fully trying to read each other without any verbal communication.

Because I think a lot of us think that we're being so much more clear with our non verbal cues than we actually are. So both are important. Right? I think it's important for your partner to be able to listen to the words that you're saying, for the two of you to talk out loud during sex and share with each other and for the two of you to like pay attention to each other's body cues. Cues as well and see like what's coming up for my partner.

Yeah. If you want a perfect example of how easy it is to miss body language or cues. I can't remember if we've talked about this on the podcast or, or just like an Instagram stories, but you know when we talk about like body confidence and people feeling really ashamed or embarrassed of certain body parts or like the way that they look during sex and then you talk to the partner and they're like, I've never noticed that part once. Like I've been trying to like cover up this one area so they don't see it during sex and the partner's like, wait, what? Like I never once in my life noticed this thing. Like I don't even know what you're talking about. You may feel like you're being really obvious and like moving a certain way or trying to like not do something. And your partner is very likely just caught up in enjoying the sex and maybe not paying so much attention to that.

Oh yeah. All right, next up, we had open minded and curious. We're kind of along the same vibe here. So people said like, doesn't put down any ideas that I might have or.

Doesn'T put down your hand when you go to touch your clit.

Oh God, I still cannot believe that story. And another Person said willing to try something new if they're comfortable with it. Yeah, I mean, sex, there's always something new for us to explore, a way for us to get better, a new thing for us to learn. So I think that's personally for me, that's one of my favorite qualities as somebody who is open. And even if it's not something that they, let's say you tell your partner you want to try something, even if they're not immediately like, oh my God, that sounds so hot and sexy. If they're like, okay, cool, yeah, I'm down to try it.

I could be into that. And I think it's so important what, you know, this person said about willing to try something new if they're comfortable with it. Because I think the thing that people get wrong about open mindedness is thinking, oh well, open mindedness means I have to try anything, I have to choose anything. That there's a, like no boundaries and is not this black and white thing, is not an all or nothing thing. It's just like being open to the possibility of it. Not just saying no before you've even heard what the request is or what the idea is, but evaluating that and being like, okay, that's not something I've thought about before, but I'm open to trying it. Or like I'm worried that this might violate a boundary of mine. And so, you know, and respectfully declining. All right, so the next one is patience. So, so focusing on your partner until they finish, no matter how long it takes.

Yeah, I think that this was mainly this one came up for women and vulva owners. And you know, we're taught to feel really embarrassed of how long it takes for us to reach orgasm. On average women take like 20 minutes. That's a very rough average. So of course there are women like on all ends of the spectrum. But I think a lot of us just feel very self conscious, taking up any amount of time. So if you're somebody who, who sleeps with a woman or a vulva owner, one of the best things that you can do for her is to be very patient with her.

Yeah. And one of the ways that you can do that is be willing to try different things until your partner comes.

If they want to come.

Yeah, if they, if they want to come. So, you know, be open, just open, open minded to focusing on your partner.

Open minded to being patient, being open minded to patience.

I guess being open minded to any and these things is good.

All right, next up we have passionate people said like being very physical or Throwing me on the bed. And then we got some really amazing quotes from Instagram. One person says, knows how to be sweet and spicy, and somebody else. This is my favorite quote that we've gotten in a very long time. Make it intimate and also nasty.

Nasty also is in caps.

All caps.

Yes, all caps. Just nasty. Make it intimate and also nasty. That's how I read it. Is that another merch idea?

I think so. Another killer tote bag. I'm just gonna put it up on my Zazzle store. What are we doing? We're giving Zazzle free advertising here. I should see if they'll let me do some pieces of merch for free now that we've shouted them out, like, three times.

Yeah, seriously, hook us up.

So, okay. So I have to say, though, so passionate is something for me that I get very challenged by that idea, because I think it's really easy for us to think of being passionate. And we get very wrapped up in this whole idea of, like, oh, sex should be spontaneous and effortless and just wildly passionate. And the reality is, like, a lot of us have sex that's, like, not particularly passionate. And I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. I think there can be an amazing, like, lazy Sunday afternoon sex or little morning sex, stuff like that.

Or just get her done quickie. Sexy. Yeah.

And I think a lot of times people look at passion and they. It sort of feels like they can't be themselves in the bedroom. Somebody's like, I'm kind of goofy and silly and weird, but now I have to be, like, passionate in the bedroom.

You know, I don't think being passionate is a specific thing. It's really just, like, going all in on who you are, letting your personality out, not withholding yourself. Ooh.

So maybe we can say authentic.

Yeah. I think authenticity is passionate. I think the problem is we have stereotypes of what being passionate is. Or we think certain people from certain countries, like, are passionate.

The Latin lover.

Yeah, Latin lover. Like Italians or something like that. I'm trying to just think of, like, bad stereotypes, but I think it's easy to then get into that. All or nothing. Thinking of, oh, well, I've seen this person in the movies, and they're super passionate, and that's not me. So therefore I'm not passionate.

Yeah.

So I think maybe just be authentic.

Yeah, we can. Passionate can have many different flavors to it. Let's say that. All right, let's move on to the next one.

All right. So having a sense of humor when things don't Go as planned. I think this is such a huge one.

It's one of my favorites.

We get so caught up in the little things that happen that, honestly, maybe our partner doesn't even notice. But then we just, like, freak out about it. But it's so easy to get past this stuff if you just laugh a little bit. Someone said, be lighthearted. It's so wonderful to have a sense of humor about sex in general.

Truer words have never been spoken.

Oh, yeah. I mean, you and I laugh.

We laugh a lot.

During sex, things go wrong.

Yeah, they absolutely do. And it just makes sex feel so much more fun and authentic. Going back to the last thing, you know, when you feel like you can just laugh it off together. When you don't feel this performance pressure or this sexual perfectionism, you know, you feel like it's just like, okay, that was really silly that that just happened. Because if you think about it, sex is really silly. Like, it's a very silly thing that we do with each other. And, like, we should be able to laugh at it.

Oh, yeah. I mean, it is silly. The act itself is silly. Then the fact that we, like, move around in a different position, bumping each.

Other, like, making noises. All kinds of kinds of stuff happens. Okay, so that is our list of all the qualities that make people great in bed.

Hold on a second. How come no one said, like, oh, they need to last all night. They need to. You know, there were like, no. It was no, like, oh, he needs to be so good at doggy style. Or like, it's like, oh, good. Sex is when we do, like, 10 positions.

There was nothing about technique in the responses. Nothing about technique. And I think that is such a great thing for people to realize. Cause I think most of get very fixated on our technique. And let's be clear, technique is important. Like, we have specific guides around oral sex and manual stimulation and trying out sex positions. Like, you absolutely want to have a foundation of knowing what you're doing, having some tools in your toolkit. And it can be really fun to explore your technique, but it's not the most important thing. So even, like, obviously we're a business. We want you to buy our foreplay guides in our sex position playbook. But I would never tell you, like, like, just memorize this playbook and don't do anything else. You'll be good.

Oh, yeah.

The technique is just one small piece of it.

Oh, yeah. Cause, you know, it's like book smarts and street smarts. Oh, you know, like street smarts. You could memorize, like, all this stuff about your. You know, you could study in school, like accounting or something. You could memorize all this accounting stuff. And then you go work at an accounting firm and you don't have experience at communicating with other people or managing different personalities, and all of a sudden you're like, well, I know everything, but, like, it's not working out in real life. So, you know, the knowledge, the technique is important, but it's just the baseline. It's what you do with that technique that matters so much more.

Absolutely. All right, well, that is our list of the qualities that make people bad in bed and good in bed.

So I'll ask you one more time. Can you Even fast.

Hopefully you can now that you've learned all this. But we know we covered a lot of different qualities, so do not fear. We have made a quick little cheat sheet for you. If you want to refer back to these. If you want to show it to friends or use it to open a conversation with your partner so you can go to the show Notes, we'll put a link to that in the description and you can download that guide for free. We'll also put the link to the confidence masterclass. If you are looking to supercharge your confidence in the bedroom.

And also let us know if you want that merch.

Now. We're just fishing for it.

Yeah. Please give us, give us, please, please give us an excuse to open a Zazzle store or a Zazzle competitor. We are open to all of Zazzle's competitors. If you are listening. I don't know who you are. I barely know who Zazzle is. I vaguely remember, like, making a T shirt with it, like, 10 years ago. That's all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening to this and to our rants about merch. And since the holidays are almost upon us, next week we'll be dealing with another thorny topic, the in laws. So make sure you tune in.

That is going to be a great episode. It's very similar to our should we break up episode where we got stories from our community. We asked people, tell us, what are the tricky in law situations that you're dealing with? Like, how can we help? And we got some Whoppers. You were just reading those a few days ago and you were like, holy crap. So that is gonna. Even if you love your in laws. We are both very lucky to have great in laws. But even if you love them, you are gonna want to tune into this episode because it's gonna be juicy.

Oh, yeah. All right, thanks for listening, and we'll.

See you next week.