EPISODE 32: 5 Ways To Make 2022 Your Most Intimate AND Nasty Year Ever

For a lot of couples, the only time you touch each other is when you're very clear that it's going to lead to sex. That creates this really unfortunate dynamic where you feel like, oh, I don't want to touch my partner, because then they'll think we're going to have sex. And so a lot of couples have really touch starved relationships. Hello and welcome to the pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. All right, well, this is take two of us starting to record this episode. We got like two minutes into it and I was like, babe, I'm just not feeling the vibe yet. I need you to dance for me.

And I did. Oh, did I deliver.

We're really gonna have to start making video recordings of our podcast tapings. Cause something really special just happened in this room, you guys, and I'm sad that you missed out on it. There was some, like, fast foot action. There was some, like, some hip dips and swivels. I'm not quite sure where those came from, but I am in the zone now and ready to record this episode.

Oh, yes. I had a vision in my mind of what I wanted that dance to look, and my body did not deliver. But I guess it delivered humor, and that counts too.

Your body has a mind of its own. So today's episode is all about 2022 and how we can start this brand new year on a new foot with our relationships. If you listen to our episode called are you good in bed, we shared this quote that somebody sent us about what they think makes someone good in bed. So they said, make it intimate and make it nasty. And that quote has just stuck with us these last few months because we love it so much. So in this episode, we're going to be talking about ways to make your relationship both intimate and nasty in 2022. And we are going to be talking in particular about resolutions. So, you know, I'm thinking maybe one of your resolutions could be learning how to dance.

I was going to say that. I was going to say maybe in 2022. I got to take some dance classes. Dance lessons. Can you teach this old dog new tricks. I'm not sure.

I'm torn on whether or not I would actually want that, because I really enjoy your current dance moves.

I kind of enjoy them, too.

Very frenzied. They're never to the beat of anything.

Well, to be fair, there was no beat playing just now. Next time you want me to dance, you got to put on a song at least. Like, throw me a bone here.

Literally was just like, babe, I'm not in the mood. Can you dance for me? Yeah. You're jumped right up and did it.

You're really just setting someone up for failure if you ask them to dance for you with no song playing, no music, at least, like, do a little beatbox.

Just sitting here in front of the mic. He just jumped up and danced for me. That's love, babe.

You know, I have some people pleaser tendencies. You know, I'm just being honest.

Maybe another thing to work on in 2022.

Yeah, stop dancing for Vanessa when she asked me to.

No, please don't. I really enjoy it. So let's talk about resolutions, because we must hear this word thousands of times at the very end of December and the beginning of January. How do you feel about resolutions?

In the past, I've always been pretty cynical about resolutions. I think I've kind of pushed back against the term resolutions. For me, I mean, really, I think resolutions pretty similar to goals. It's like setting a goal for the year or something that you want to do. Goal setting has always been a challenge for me. I've done a lot of work on myself around. Where does my pushback to goal setting come from? You know, I'm kind of nervously excited for 2022 because I feel a lot better about my ability to set goals, that I can actually succeed in my goals. I have, like, a weird joint fear of success and failure, which can kind of keep me.

It's a nice combo.

It is. It keeps me in this, you know, comfortable middle ground of just kind of being all right and not having to do much one way or the other. And so, you know, I've been doing a lot of work on trying to break free of that.

I bet a lot of people can relate with that. The stuck in the middle. It's hard to.

I just want to coast. I want a coast. I want things to come easy. I will, you know, exchange, like, wild success for, like, an assurance of comfortable. Okay, Ness.

Oh, interesting. I mean, I don't really love resolutions either. I don't love the word resolution. To me, it just Feels very strict. It feels like a rule. Whenever I think of resolution, I think of something that doesn't feel exciting, like I resolve to lose weight or I resolve to stop being such an angry asshole. Like, it just feels like a. Not that those are my resolutions at all, but instead, I like to think about the word intentions. The other big thing that I don't like about resolutions is I feel like so many of us, we think about this for this one or two week period around the year, changing over, and then we just don't think about it ever again. Oh, I'm going to, you know, going to do this exercise every day, and we do it for like a week, and then we fall off and we don't think about it it until the very next year. So I don't like that element of it either. But I do like the idea of being really intentional and repeatedly and continuously checking in about our intentions, but not doing it in this way where we're, like, punishing ourselves or, you know, we see how much willpower can we force ourselves to have for like, one to two weeks, and then we forget about it again.

I think that's important.

Yeah. So what we are going to do in today's episode is talk about relationship resolutions that you can make, but in a healthier way, not in a way where it's what I was just talking about with exercise of all right, you're gonna go all in on your relationship for five days, and then you're gonna forget about it, and you guys are gonna maybe be in that coasting phase that Xander was just talking about. So instead, we're gonna be talking about how to make your relationship a priority this year. And we're gonna give you our five favorite tips. So I think something that comes up for a lot of people is, like, there's so much relationship advice out there. Right? Like, we hear just tons of stuff all the time. But I think a lot of us can get stuck. Stuck with, like, well, what do I actually work on? You know, you just hear so many things and it's hard to pick something.

Yeah. Or you pick as your resolution or your intention or your goal or whatever you want to call it. You say your goal or your resolution is make my relationship a priority. And there's not a lot of specificity in that. And so, like, well, what does that even mean? And for a couple weeks, you're like, okay, well, oh, I'm going to plan a date night. I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that. But then it's like, as time goes by, you kind of forget about, like, oh, what are the specific, specific things I need to do? How do I even measure my success on this goal or this resolution? We think it's really important to have, like, specific and achievable things. Not kind of this pie in the sky, vague thing like, make my relationship a priority. Because that could mean so many things. It could mean changing everything in your life so that truly you are reprioritizing your relationship above all other things. Or it could just mean, like, make it more of a priority than it was to me last year. And if last year it wasn't a priority at all, then, like, you go on one date and you're like, like, great. Cool. Accomplish that goal. It could mean so many different things. And oftentimes at the beginning of the year, you're like, oh, yeah, it's going to be this big, important thing. And then slow, you're like, okay, well, how about we just do a little more than last year?

Yeah. So I think the other thing that comes up around this idea of relationship resolutions is that really nobody makes them. We've heard a lot about resolutions, people making resolutions for the year, but I don't think very many people think about their relationship. So we actually asked people on Instagram, like, do you regularly make New Year's resolutions, resolutions for your relationship? Guess how many people said yes.

Oh, I'm gonna, like, 10%.

Ooh, very close. Seven. Seven percent of you. And I would think that the people following us on Instagram are more intentional about their relationship than the average person. Right?

Cause you guys are.

You're following our account in the first place. You're listening to this podcast in the first place, but 7% set relationship resolutions. So we really want 2022 to be the best year of your relationship yet. We want you to prioritize and to know exactly what that means. And we want to give you five specific starting points. These are, like our five best bang for your buck. They're practical, they're actionable. There might be a bonus in there as well, but these are going to be fun things that you can do to make 2022 the best year of your relationship. And you might even want to start early with some of these, because they are going to be pretty fun.

Oh, yeah. Don't put off working on your resolutions. Get started early. I like that. But first, we're gonna. We're gonna give you, per usual, the review of the week. And this one's a doozy. Ladies and gentlemen, the title Lube poop mic drop.

Ever think you would see the words lube poop in one of our reviews? That would be a positive review.

You know, I just. I just kind of have this image in my mind of like a mother driving her children around in the car and being like, oh, this is a safe episode to listen to. They're talking about. They're talking about resolutions, and then I'm like, lube poop mic drop.

What's lube poop, Mommy? Yeah, my feet. Just turn the podcast off for a minute or two of your kids.

Sorry, kids. I'm not going to give you a definition of that. The rest of the review reads, thank you for inspiring me to uncover my inner goddess. The face sitting episode started it for me, and the butt stuff one gave me the courage to just go for it. But stuff, too, was important right up to the last lube poop drop. It wasn't important after the last drop. I hope it still has some importance to you. Thanks to you both. Wow.

Wow, that is quite the review.

You know what? No emojis, but this was just as good without them.

Oh, yeah. We just want to say again, thank you so much for your reviews. They really do mean a lot to us. They help the podcast grow and reach new people. And we love doing this little review of the week giveaway. So if you submit a review for the podcast on Apple Podcasts, you are entered into the giveaway every week. Going forward, we pick a review of the week every week. We read it here, we share it on social media, and if you are the winner, we will give you a free mini coaching session. So you just reach out to us on Instagram. Vanessamarintherapy, let us know you're the winner, and you can send us a question, and we will send you back a personalized mini coaching session. Totally private, totally free. Just as our way of saying thank you.

You can even ask us to explain lube poops to your kids. Oh, if that's your question, we'll give it our best shot.

And if this is your first episode that you're listening to, we do also love when you guys try to add really complex emojis into the reviews because we make Xander read them every week, and the more that you can stump him, the better.

Also, if this is your first time listening, you're probably like, what the hell were they talking about in that review? So after you listen to this, you should definitely go back, check out our YouTube channel. Vanessa and Xander Marin, you can find us on YouTube pretty easily. There is a face sitting video that we did and then. But Stuff 1 and Butt Stuff 2 are podcast episodes we did a couple weeks, maybe month ago. Yeah, four. Four or five episodes before this. Those are some heavy hitters. Check them out.

All right, so we first went over to Instagram and we asked if your partner could do just one thing that would make your relationship happier in 2022, what would it be? We were really curious to see what kind of responses came up and there were some big themes that emerged. So we just wanted to share these with you before we get into. Because there's a lot of overlap between these responses. But it was just interesting to see how people would phrase it themselves. By far and away, the number one response was better communication. So we're definitely planning some communication themed episodes for you guys because we know this is a big topic.

Oh yeah. We got so many requests, so many questions and requests about communication.

Yeah. So if there's a special topic about communication that you're interested in, like, how do we listen to each other better? How do we resolve conflicts better? Like, let us know on Instagram. Vanessa Marin therapy.

Yeah, definitely. The more specific, the better. I mean, a lot of people just ask, like, how do we get better at communicating? Communication is such a big topic. We could put together like a year long course on how to communicate. So yeah. Another thing that you would love from your partner might be easing or even just acknowledging your mental load. So in case you hear that word and you're not sure exactly what that means, mental load is just all the stuff that you are keeping in mind around your household tasks, family, kids, stuff that you need to do. Not only doing it, but keeping track of what needs to be done and when and who needs to go do what. And it can be exhausting. So, you know, trying to get a little more help from your partner around, balancing those tasks around, doing stuff for the kids, helping out around the house. We even have a workbook that we sell that helps you do just this by identifying what are all the possible things that might need to be done around your house so that you can start identifying what you need to do in your life, how you can assign those tasks, make it a little more equitable.

Yeah. Another thing that you mentioned wanting was your partner to be more present. And in particular, a lot of people brought up wanting your partner to spend less time on their phone.

I'm going to assume that's not talking on the phone because let's be real, nobody talks on the phone anymore.

But yes, you know, looking at Social media, just being on the Internet, Definitely wanting to feel more of a sense of. Of presence with your partner. Yeah.

Also wanting my partner to learn my love language better. Depending on what your love language is, what kinds of things can your partner do that is going to speak to you in that love language a bit more? So that could be doing stuff around the house for you. It could be touching you more, it could be spending more quality time together, all depending on what your love language is. I think it's really easy for us to do stuff in our own love language or assuming that our partner is going to love stuff the way that we love it. But the reality is we all love things in different ways, different languages.

And finally, you said you wanted to have more fun and less pressure in the bedroom. So we're going to be covering a lot of these themes in this episode and sharing some of our favorite resources for making these a reality. All right, so let's get into our five tips. So we spent a little bit of time just thinking about, okay, what are some of our absolute favorite relationships tips? What are the best things that you could do at the beginning of this year to get it kicked off on the right foot to make this your best year for your relationship yet? And so these are our five absolute favorites. First thing is to create a values list for your relationship. And I am willing to bet that the vast majority of people listening to this episode have no clue what the hell that means.

Or they're like, oh, yeah, we have values. But then it's like, okay, well, what are your values for your relationship? It's not sort of like, what are the things I believe in from a religious perspective or from a political perspective? It's like, let's get down to business about what is it between the two of us, between our family?

Yeah. And so we actually kind of stumbled upon this one because we created our company values a while back, and we got really clear about, like, you know, how do we want to operate this business? What is truly important to us? And it's been such a useful exercise in our business that I remember thinking, like, why have we never explicitly done this in our relationship? Getting very clear in our relationship, what is truly important to us? What kind of relationship do we want to have?

I think one of the things about identifying your relationship values that I never realized was so important until we did this exercise ourself is how much easier it makes making tough decisions or choices in your relationship when it comes to stuff around work or life or friends or trips or whatever. Because it helps you identify in almost every situation, okay, what are the things that are most important to us? And when it comes to this decision that we have to make, which decision is going to result in more alignment with the values that we've identified?

Yeah, it kind of gives you these guideposts to, you know, make decisions with, does this fall into our values or does it not fall into our values?

Let's just give a quick example of, like, how this might help you make decisions or make tough choices once you have these values identified. So let's just say your friends invite you on a really lavish vacation. It looks really fun, but you're starting to worry, like, huh, this is going to be pretty expensive. Do we have the time? Do we have the money? Money? Is this a good decision? You know, if you don't have your values identified, you might just go back and forth on that, like, well, it could be really fun, but it's going to be really expensive. Oh, my God. We don't know what to do. Let's say that you have your values identified. One couple might have fun and spontaneity as two of their important values. And in that case, they might be like, you know what? It's really important for us to have fun and be spontaneous. Let's just do it it. And then another couple might have charity and stability as two really important values. And so in that case, it might be much easier to be like, you know what? It's really important for us to be financially stable. It's important for us to be able to give away money at the end of the year. And this trip just feels too expensive. It's not in line with the values that are important to us. Two different decisions that could be. Be the right decision for two different couples with different values.

Yeah. All right, let's move into number two. And this one is to flirt with your partner. I was actually just having a very interesting conversation with a friend of mine about this. We were talking about these two different people that she's dating. And one person, she really likes him. It feels like there's a lot of compatibility between the two of them, but he's just. Just not a very flirty person. And the other guy is very flirty, and she just enjoys, like, kind of having that banter with him. And she was asking me, like, do you think this is really an important characteristic in a relationship? I feel sort of weird being like, you know, there's so many other great things going on with this guy, but he's just not very flirty. And I was taking a second to think about it and I was like, yeah, I think that's, you know, for me that's a really central quality in a relationship. Especially in long term relationships. It's so easy for us to get the stuck interacting with each other and talking to each other as if we were roommates or even co workers. Right. Like this very bland type of conversation.

Yeah. I think if flirtation is important to you, then at the beginning of a relationship it's super important. Because I think the stereotype is that over time, someone who is flirty, a relationship that's super flirty, that flirtation may start to fade over time. I don't think you often hear about relationships that start out really formal and non flirty that all of a sudden turn into huge flirtation. Unless you're listening to our podcast because we're about to give you some tips.

On how to do it from formal to flirty. You know, I was thinking about our relationship and I think the fact that we do really flirt with each other a lot, that's a huge component in what makes our relationship still feel spicy and interesting. And it keeps some of that polarity going.

Spicy and sweet.

Oh, sweet and spicy. So one of the issues that comes up when people hear the word flirting is it just makes them feel very self conscious. It feels like, oh, but I don't have any good moves. I don't know. I just picture thinking of yourself back in your dating days at the bar and you see someone attractive and you're like, oh my God, like, how do I go up and start flirting? It just feels overwhelming. Even with your partner of 10 or 20 years.

Yeah. I think people conflate flirting and like picking someone up at the bar or something. Like these are two very different things.

And also I think, yeah, we tend to think of flirting as being very serious. But between you and I like flirting. It's very goofy. Sometimes it can be kind of sexy and seductive. But a lot of the time it's just like, it's so dumb. I would not want anybody else to see or overhear it.

Yeah, people, it is not about being smooth. It's just about being silly.

Yeah. Here, let's give you some specific examples. Making jokes with each other, kind of teasing each other, making innuendos. Like Xander and I make a lot of very dumb Michael Scott, like sexual, you know, that's what she said kind of jokes. And like, it just feels funny to us. And it keeps sex a topic. It keeps it top of mind. It's like, we're kind of reminded of.

Also what we do for work helps.

Yeah, of course.

Right?

It could be something as simple as winking. Oh. Oh, yeah. You like that we're winking at each other right now.

We're doing, like, making fun of Vanessa's mom, who has a sort of a.

Broken wink, A very obvious slow wink. It could be sending sweet or sexy text messages. I mean, it really could be something as simple as, like, I want you, or you look good today, or counting down the seconds till I see you.

Compliments. Another huge one. I think over very overlooked people are like, oh, well, complimenting and flirting are two different things. No way. Just, like, give compliments. It feels so good to get a compliment, even if it's small. I'm trying to think. Unless, like, you have some random love language where you're like, I hate compliments. Does anybody. Does anybody hate compliments?

I think some people struggle to receive compliments, but I don't think that's the same thing as hating them. Yeah, yeah. And finally, you could get a little physical with your flirting. So this is something that we talk about a lot on Instagram, that for a lot of couples, the only time you touch each other is when you're very clear that it's going to lead to sex. And that creates this really unfortunate dynamic where you feel like, oh, I don't want to touch my partner, because then they'll think we're going to have sex. And so a lot of couples have really touch starved relationships. It keeps all that fun, flirty energy out of the relationship. So we really encourage you to break that connection between touch has to lead to sex and instead have more touch with each other throughout the day. You know, a little pat on the butt as you pass your partner by. It could be something sweet like holding hands when you're sitting on the couch together watching tv.

It could be a quick kiss for no reason at all. Or I mean, come on, just like, not a quick kiss. A real ass kiss.

A real ass kiss.

Real ass kiss for no reason. And finally, just hugs and squeezes. This one really speaks to me. Physical touch is my love language.

I think hugs are your love.

Yeah. I mean, to be honest, I think a lot of people hear physical touch and they think, oh, that person just wants sex and sex is great. However, if I get a couple hugs from Vanessa throughout the day, I am so happy.

We need to make a meme out of this. You know those memes where they're like, yeah, sex is great, but have you ever da Da. Da. Like, we need one of your face.

That's like.

Like, sex is great, but have you ever gotten a really great hug?

And then on the back of the shirt, it just says, it's my face, and it's the. It's just a butthole. The many faces of Xander.

More merch ideas.

Great.

You know what I'm just thinking, though? So many people don't even know what the it's just a butthole joke is, so we might need to explain that for a second before we move on. Or should we just throw in a casual it's just a butthole reference? Say, you should be following us on Instagram.

You should be following us on Instagram. You should listen to our butt stuff episodes. However, our butt stuff episodes have nothing to do with it's just a butthole.

To find the it's just a butthole story, you need to look at our highlights on Instagram. It's, I think, in funny, too. You gotta go deep, or it's in body stuff.

You know, you gotta go deep. I don't feel bad about the fact that it might be hard to find. You gotta. You know, you gotta dive in there. It's gonna be good for you.

That's what she said.

You're gonna like the way you look. I guarantee it.

All right, so we're just gonna leave that there. Moving on to number three. Practicing gratitude for your partner and together as a couple. We know you have heard about practicing gratitude before, but it really, truly is so powerful. Like, there is actual scientific research showing that when we focus on gratitude, we literally rewire our brains. When you look for things grateful for, you will see more and more things to be grateful for. Yes, life is complicated. Relationships can be really challenging. And there is also so much to be grateful for.

I will be the first to admit I was super cynical about this back in the day. Like, I used to. I used to think, you know, like, oh, it's not about whether I'm grateful for something. Like, things just happen. It doesn't matter whether I'm grateful or not. Like, that's not going to make a huge difference, particularly in, like, 2020, as the pandemic was happening. I was not living in very much gratitude. I was seeing all these things going wrong. I was seeing all these things that were being taken away from me by the world or by the pandemic or whatever. And I was just kind of cynical and down and depressed and, yeah, in 2021, let some gratitude into my life in a big way. We do a lot of things in our relationship and in our business that infuses gratitude on a more than daily basis. It's just a totally different mind state that I'm in as a result of that. I think that's just a huge part of how I've had a really great year.

Absolutely. So to make this practical, it can be so powerful to let your partner know on a daily basis that you appreciate them and you see them. Like I just said a minute ago, like, it's very easy to focus on the ways that your partner irritates you, doesn't live up to your expectations, the frustrations in your relationship. Those things are all valid and understandable. We're not saying, like, just pretend to be happy all the time. Absolutely not. That's a toxic positivity thing. That's a separate episode. Choosing to focus on the things, you know, the little things that you really appreciate. And yes, you're still going to have conversations about. About things that you need from your partner, how you guys can work on your relationship. But having that foundation of seeing and appreciating each other makes it so much easier to work on the challenging things, too. So you can have, like, a little daily ritual that you guys do together where you thank your partner for one thing that maybe saw them do that day or one quality that you saw in them that day. Like, this literally can take 10 seconds, but it can be such a powerful and meaningful experience.

We started doing this in our business, actually.

We.

We started giving a verbal thank you to every single person who purchases anything from us. Does not matter the dollar amount we go through every day, sometimes multiple times a day. Just literally reading out, like, thank you, Vanessa. Thank you, Michelle. Thank you, Mikayla.

I'm convinced Mikayla is actually the most common customer name that we have got a lot of. Mikayla's.

Oh, yeah. We're collecting a lot of data on our heads on popular names.

And Mackenzie. Mikayla and Mackenzie.

Interesting. The mix.

Yeah. Another thing that you can do is to start a little gratitude journal. We'd actually. You could do this as a little challenge, even. So, you could pick a certain amount of time, maybe a few weeks, a month, something like that. Something that feels doable. You don't have to say the whole year. Write down one thing every day that makes you feel grateful for your partner and then share them with each other when you're done. You can even, like, save this list for tough times when you feel like you want to reconnect or even just remind yourself, like, there are a lot of things I have to be grateful about my partner. So if you're somebody who likes writing things down, you know, just taking that extra second to jot it down, and then you have this beautiful journal of all these things that you're grateful for. And again, so easy, you could take 10, 20 seconds to write something down, another 10 or 20 seconds to share it with your partner. Like, this can be done in under a minute, and it's going to make a big difference in your relationship. Number four is to try something new in the bedroom. So a lot of you talked about wanting to feel more excitement, have more fun in the bedroom, and we know that you have heard this advice a million times. To try something new like, this is not rocket science. There is nothing new about suggesting that you try something new in the bedroom.

But what's new is actually doing something about it, though.

Exactly. Everybody hears that we should be trying new things, but nobody's actually doing it. So we asked our Instagram audience, like, do you do new things in the bedroom, or do you tend to do the same things over and over again? And we're just gonna read over some of the quotes that we got, some of the responses. We just try to get it over with as quickly as possible.

We have the same couple of positions we default to over and over again.

There's approximately two minutes of foreplay.

We default to the same what we know gets the job done routine every time.

We do just enough foreplay for me to get wet enough for penetration.

It's the exact same thing every single time. I can't remember the last time we tried something new.

And it happens in this way because it's comfortable and not bad, and no one really needs to think about it. It so doesn't sound like the most exciting stuff right now.

Sounds like maybe just okay, not bad.

That's what that person said.

Not bad. A ringing endorsement. It's not bad.

That's another merch idea. Just like, not bad.

So not bad is not good.

Okay, not bad. It's not good. All right. So if you are in need of some inspiration, of some new things to try in the bedroom, some ways to make it more exciting and fun and something to look forward to.

Oh, we got you on this one.

Oh, we sure do. We have the Sex Position playbook, which has 42 different positions, extremely detailed, with how to get into the position, how to move in it, how to get out of it. It.

Yeah, perhaps over detailed, but that's really just because we get so much feedback from people who get really anxious about Trying new positions, thinking, like, okay, cool, like, I see what I'm supposed to do. I think I know how to do it. But what if it doesn't work? What do I do when I get there? How do I get out of it? We're never gonna stop having sex.

What if.

What if it lasts forever?

I don't know how to get out of doggy. Just stuck here.

What if he has to fall asleep like that?

So we've got your back.

Yeah.

We'll tell you how to get out of the sex position.

We go into all the detail. You don't have to read it all if it's too much for you, but we just wanted it to be there.

Yeah. We even have adventures, like different combinations of positions based on different moods. The positions are all broken down into different categories, like for pregnancy, for different sizes of bodies and different sizes of genitals. For anal play. If you've really listened to those butt stuff episodes and you're ready, like, everything is in there. And they're also tastefully, inclusively, and beautifully illustrated.

We also have our ultimate foreplay guides. These are super awesome ways to build your confidence in how to please your partner and helping your partner please you as well. We have detailed step by step instructions on how to give great oral sex, great hand jobs, how to finger a vulva. It's really awesome. So many different techniques and exciting new techniques. We're adding a lot of new stuff to that right now. So by the time this is recorded, I'm not sure if, like, the latest and greatest version will be up for sale. But the good news is that whenever you buy one of our products, you get lifetime updates. If you buy it. And like, a week later, we release a bunch of updates. You are getting the new version. You don't have to do anything for free. We send it to you.

Boom. Yeah. We also have the 30 day sex challenge. This is our favorite suggestion for couples who are looking to try new things in the bedroom. Because you literally get every single day for 30 days, two new ideas of things to try, and you get to choose which one sounds more interesting to you. One of them is more sensual based. One of them is more sexual based. And it'll get you to start talking about sex. Which is one of our secrets to having more of it, is talking about it. It. It creates a deeper connection with your partner. It's just so practical. There's no stressing out about, like, oh, my God, what new things should we try? I don't even know. What are the options of New things to try in the bedroom. It's like, literally just all laid out for you and it's super flexible. You can do it at your own pace. If you don't see each other every day or that sounds too overwhelming, you can pause it. If something comes up and you need to. Like, it's just such a fun challenge to do with your partner. Like, what better way to start 2022 than with a 30 day sex challenge?

With a bang.

With a.

With 30 bangs.

How did it take us until number four out of five tips to make us starting the year with a bang joke. What is wrong with us? I'm so disappointed.

Have a bangin 2022. Bang it out in 2022. Get banged.

Get banged. Oh, man. We might have to have our podcast editor go back and just add that to the beginning. Missed opportunity there, babe. Bottom line with trying new things in the bedroom. Even if you don't decide to invest in one of our courses or our products, we still want to encourage you to try something new in the bedroom and just take baby steps. A lot of times people here try something new and they think they have to do something really wild and over the top.

Go whole hog. Go whole hog. We're gonna tie you up, we're gonna truss you up, and you're gonna love it. Spit roast. Yeah. I'm gonna trust you up and roast you, and you're gonna like it.

What is this? Flies?

I don't know. I don't know why I said whole hog. I kind of like that phrase. You gotta go whole hog. Hola.

I think I said it, like, in one of our episodes a while back. I like this. This voice, this Persona you took on. Oh, my goodness. So anyways, you don't have to go whole hog. You can go half hog or quarter hog. Take a little baby step. Little. A little trotter step. Trying to make too many big jokes.

A little trotter step. Interesting. Not sure that one works. I think so. I think so.

Okay, let's bring it home. Let's do number five. Develop up a daily intimacy ritual. This is something that we also sort of stumbled upon in our own relationship, is that we started doing something small to connect with each other every single day and repeating the same thing every single day. First, we want you to start with this question of, like, what is it that makes you or your partner feel loved? Everyone has different ways that they feel loved the most. We can't talk about love language, of course. That's kind of the popular pop psychology model of understanding what makes you feel loved? What is it that makes you feel the most loved?

Hugs.

Oh, your hugs. We already talked about your hugs.

Yeah, unsolicited, unexpected hugs.

Oh, yeah. He loves an unexpected hug.

Oh, it's so good.

I am such a words of affirmation person. If you just give me a compliment. Say something nice again, unexpected.

Oh, I know, I know, I know. By the way, you're killing it with this podcast, Aspanessa. A lot of good jokes.

Thanks, babe. I really appreciate that.

She's got a big goofy smile.

It works every time.

The cheat code. She knows. She knows my cheat code, which is the unexpected hug. And I know hers, which is say you're killing it at fill in the blank. Doesn't matter what I say.

I love that word. Actually, cheat code. I think that's a really great way of phrasing it. We've never said that before, but I, I love thinking about it in that way. Is like, ask your partner, like, what is your cheat code? What's the one or two or three things that I could do that really just make you feel so loved again? This is all about bang for your buck. We talked about, man, we talked about bang for your buck, but we didn't even make the bangin Bangin New year joke. Come up with some sort of ritual that you can create around these two things. You know, the thing that each of you really loves the most. And again, this is something that could take 30 to 60, 60 seconds. So it could be a good night kiss. It could be telling each other one thing about each other that makes you grateful. So kind of combine this tip and the other one that we talked about. You have like a little gratitude ritual that you do every day. Maybe it's asking about how their day was and listening, but the idea behind a ritual is that it's something small that you do every single day without fail. Okay, maybe you get sick or you're separated or whatever, you know, that's okay. But you really try to do it every single day. Because these small daily rituals add up the grain. Grand gestures in relationships, the big things that you do for each other, those are great and nice. Truly, it's the little things that we do every single day that really matter and that really make us feel close and connected.

Yeah, I think there's something really important here is, I think back to all of the tips that we gave. There is sort of a daily or habit forming aspect to all of them. You know, obviously a daily intimacy ritual. We just talked about that. But also, so Trying something new in the bedroom. One of our suggestions was a 30 day sex challenge. That's, that's a daily thing. Practicing gratitude every single day. Just incorporating that into your life, flirting with your partner, you know, ideally that's just like something that you start doing on a daily basis. It's not like, oh, this one day I'm going to be super flirty. And even the values list for your relationship, the idea behind that is so that you can start, start using those values in your day to day life, like to help you make decisions, to inform the way that you live your life or live your relationship, so to speak. With all of these things, it's like we were saying, it's small stuff that you do every day that's gonna have such a bigger impact at the end of the year than choosing a really lofty goal that you don't really know how to do and just hoping that by the end of the year you figure out out how to do it and most likely you don't do it.

Absolutely. All right, so we have one little bonus tip for you.

Just had to.

We just had to. We highly recommend if you're in a relationship to have both of you follow us on Instagram and get on our email list@vmtherapy.com subscribe. We will put that link in the show notes.

This is not really just to help us out. Obviously it helps us out the more of you following us on our email list. But there, this is not a self interested tip. This is actually a very useful thing. We get so much positive feedback from people who say that they, you know, did convince their partner to follow us. And why is that, Vanessa?

Well, it does kind of go back to this idea of mental load. Like typically in a relationship, it's one partner who's more invested in trying to like improve the relationship and think of new tips and books that we can read and let's go to therapy and all that kind of stuff. And we just think it's so much more useful if both partners are engaged in that process. And so following us on Instagram, you know, that'll take your partner one second to do, but then all of a sudden they're gonna see these daily reminders of sex and intimacy. They're gonna see our stories and they're gonna have like questions that they could ask you, conversations that the two of you can have, and you guys can like check in with each other about stuff. Xander was just saying we've gotten so much positive feedback from people saying like, when I got my partner to follow your account. It just completely transformed our relationship and our sex life and we're so glad that we're both invested in it. And so we also gave that option of joining our email list too because we know not everyone's on social media or checks it every day. So our email list, we send out one email a week on Fridays where we do a roundup of like our podcast episode, our YouTube video, some fun highlights from Instagram. So it'll still be that, you know, that recurring reminder to your partner to check in and talk to you about this kind of stuff. So Those are our five tips plus one bonus tip for starting 2022 with a bang and banging your way throughout the whole year.

Bang your way through 2022.

Oh, it rhymes. So we will put links in the show notes for everything that we talked about in this episode. We have that mental load guide, the sex position playbook, the foreplay guides, the 30 Day Sex Challenge, and the links to subscribe to our email list and follow us on Instagram. And we also just want to say keep an eye out. Some point in 2022, we may also be bringing back our very, very popular connection challenge, which is another like super practical giving you something every single day to create more emotional intimacy in our relationship. So another reason to follow us on Instagram or get on our email list so you get notified as soon as we maybe re release that.

Maybe, maybe, just maybe. All right, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening and bang your way through 2022.

Sam.