EPISODE 39: If You Had To Ask, Does It Even Count?

Would I rather Zander could read my mind perfectly at all times, or would I rather know that I have a partner who is responsive to my requests and desires? Hello, and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Today's episode was inspired by a DM that we got on Instagram from a woman. And she wrote, I want my husband to buy me flowers, but he never does it on his own. I don't want to have to ask him to bring me flowers because then it doesn't count, does it?

Doesn't count.

That's the question that we are gonna be answering today. If you have to ask for something, does it count or does it not count? All of us, regardless of whatever you think the answer is to that question, I think we all have this secret or not so secret desire for our partners to just know what we want and need and to be able to do those things for us without us having to be asked.

Yeah. Like, they should read our mind.

Yeah. And I think even people who are like, I know, I know it's not fair for me to expect my partner to read my mind. Even then, there's still this longing for that of like, I just want you to know the things that feel good to me and just do them for me. And I think there's this sense of. It almost feels yucky to kind of have to ask for these kinds of things.

Yeah. So it's easier not to ask and be like, well, you're supposed to read my mind.

Yeah. So in today's episode, we are going to be getting to the heart of this question, and not only are we going to answer it once and for all. Does it count if you have to ask for it?

Yes.

Big bold claims right there. But we're also going to give you actionable steps towards resolving any issues that this may be causing in your relationship. Because this does come up a lot in relationships.

Oh, yeah. Ours included. But first, we're going to get into the review of the week. Love the openness. Heard about Vanessa through Healthier Together podcast and I'm so glad I did. Felt like a sunrise emoji. Could be a sunset, actually. Unclear. No way to tell. Pancakes emoji. Would you. Would you like it if we had very specific, like, this is a sunrise.

This is so serious.

Yeah, I was thinking, I mean, yeah, you know, I was like, well, I can't tell if it's rising, if it's facing east or west.

It's hard to cram all that information into one tiny emoji.

It is so, you know, sun, sun at the horizon. How about that? Properly ambiguous.

Okay.

Pancakes emoji.

Wait, I have a question about pancakes emoji. Because it's pancake stack emoji.

Oh, stack. Stack of cakes.

Do you. I know the answer.

Short stack.

But, like, maybe to our listener. Do you actually like to eat your pancakes in a stack?

No. That's absurd. That is so absurd. However, I will say, when I got home from surfing this morning, we had three leftover pancakes in the fridge. I have a modified stack, and that's because I stack other stuff in it. So I got two pancakes, I stuck them in the microwave. Then I got the peanut butter and the jelly. Slapped some peanut butter on one pancake, some jelly in the other. Yeah.

I made a pancake sandwich.

Piled it up. Yeah. Made a pancake sando.

Wow.

It was delicious. However, I would never do that with three pancakes. That's a two pancake job. You know, the ratio gets off. And obviously in this case, there's like a pile of butter on top.

I think that's five pancakes. You always see that, like in commercials and stuff.

Well, and at a restaurant.

Cutting into. It's like a pancake cake.

Yeah.

A layer cake made out of pancakes.

Yeah. If you order pancakes at a restaurant, that's how they give them to you.

Okay, maybe that should be the poll for the episode. Do you eat your pancakes in a stack or one at a time like a normal.

Like a psycho? Or do you eat them one at a time like a regular old person?

Did you leave me a pancake?

I did. There's one more pancake in there. I was unsure if you would actually eat them, though.

No, I want it now. I'm hungry. We might take a little pause and then recording to go get a little pancake snack. All right, continue on.

Final emoji. Just for this phrase, fireworks or big bang or nuclear fusion or something. It's hard to tell from where I'm sitting.

Nuclear fusion.

So you know what it felt like all of those things on the same day. That's what this person is saying.

Wow. That's a lot of things on the same day.

Yeah. I'm shocked that I've only gotten three lines into this review. It feels like I've been doing this forever. All right. I have loved how open Vanessa and Xander are both about their relationship. Lots of peach emoji, lot of butt.

Yeah, we are.

We don't really talk about our butts very much.

Talk about my butt.

I mean, Vanessa has a great butt. I love it. I love it. They talk about their relationship as well as the topics that they talk about. I feel like the world needs more conversations like these. Thank you so much for all you do for your community. Excited to learn more and delve deeper, I guess, maybe both figuratively and literally deeper. And then the side eye emoji.

We really missed an opportunity for a podcast named there Delving Deeper.

Yeah. Getting deep.

Going deep, going deep. Well, thank you so much for this delightful review. Delightful pancake filled review. We really, really appreciate your reviews. It seriously means so much to us that you take the time out of your day to. To leave these reviews. It feels good for us to read them and it really does. So much for helping the podcast grow, helping us reach new couples. So seriously, we appreciate it so much. Please, if you've enjoyed any of our episodes, we would love for you to leave us a review.

Please, please.

I made such a weird as I was saying that I, like, cupped my hands together like I'm praying. Yeah, like one palm, one fist wrapped around the other. Like, please, sir, please leave a review.

Please, may I have another pancake?

I don't know where that came from, but anyways, we do a weekly giveaway for the reviews. Once you write a review, you are entered every single week. And if you. Yeah, if you're picked as the winner of that week, you can come over to Instagram DM us @vanessa Marin Therapy, ask us a question, and we will give you a free personalized mini coaching session. Just our way of saying thank you for leaving the reviews. So let's get into it. As always, we turned to our trusty Instagram account and we asked our community there a couple of questions about this. So the first question that we asked, do you feel like you have to ask your partner to do things that make you feel special, like buying flowers, planning date nights, or giving you compliments?

73% of people said yes, they do have to ask.

Then we asked, do you feel like if you do ask for things like this that it's not as special or it doesn't count because you had to Ask. So this is really, you know, the heart of what we're getting to in this episode here. So, for example, the flowers don't feel as meaningful because you had to ask for them versus your partner just surprising you with them.

And a whopping 87% of people said yes.

87.

Yeah, that's. That's a lot.

That's significant.

I feel like we usually don't get numbers that high when we're doing polls. That means something.

Yeah. The vast majority of people feel like having to ask for things makes those things not count for much. And then we wanted to take this a step further, and we asked, does it ever make you doubt your partner or your relationship that you have to tell your partner to do these things that make you feel loved and appreciated?

And 59% of people felt that way. So, you know, that's. No. 87. That's still a strong majority. Yeah.

I mean, That's a lot.

Six in 10 people.

Yeah. A lot of doubt that's coming up. Some fear, insecurity of, like, yeah, what does this mean about my partner, our relationship, that I have to ask for this? So this is clearly a dynamic that's affecting a lot of relationships in some pretty strong and negative ways. Right. Let's talk about where did we even get this idea that we shouldn't have to ask for things, that our partners should just be able to do these romantic gestures and take care of us and love us in the ways that we want? This is a simplified answer, but I think a lot of it just comes from Hollywood. Right. That's always how we see romance in movies and in TV shows.

Yeah, man. Hollywood really is the villain of so much of what we do. And here we are living in la, like, you know, La Dee Da. We should be out in the streets protesting, babe.

Protesting Hollywood. You don't live in Hollywood.

We. We do not live in Hollywood, in case anyone was wondering. But great.

Scratch one.

Yeah.

One neighborhood off of one of one neighborhood off.

Good luck.

But, yeah, I mean, I think, you know, you always see romance portrayed in this way that, like, your partner just magically knows what you want. They know you better than you even know yourself, you know, and they do all these grand gestures. And I think in social media, we see this a lot too. Right. You know, people always talk about how social media is a highlight reel. And, of course, people are sharing things, you know, when their partner surprises them with something or brings them those flowers or takes them on a date night or buys them a gift, you know, So I think it Just really perpetuates this idea that, yeah, my partner should just know what I want. They should know how to love me, how to take care of me, and should just do those things without being asked.

Yeah. I mean, for me, it just brings up, like, that really typical rom com story arc where it's like girl meets boy, they have this instant connection. Then in the middle of the movie, it's kind of like girl and boy meet up and boy's like, kind of a dick, and there's some conflict, and it's like, oh, maybe he's not the one. And then right as things are falling apart at the very end, the movie concludes, the guy gets his shit together, he makes a grand gesture which is, you know, it's kind of like a mind reading type thing. Like, oh, my God, we never talked about what it is that I really like, but he figured out all the things that I like and he made this grand gesture and, oh, my God, I'm smitten. It's like we condense down all this story into basically this arc that's like, we have some issues. And then he decides he really actually does love her and he wants to be with her forever. And so he does this amazing thing, and then we assume they live happily ever after, that we assume that, you know, he is a changed person. And now he reads her mind. Now he gives her all this stuff that she wants that he did not have the time for before. But we never get to stick around in those movies, you know, to see, okay, what happens. I think the reality is in life, this happens a lot where, like, we upset our partner and then we do something really nice for them, and then time goes by and, like, we slip back into our old ways. Like, life is not this fairy tale where there is a conflict. We make a change, and then we are a changed person and we live like that forever.

Yeah. I want to say, like, I definitely do not want to deny that it feels really great when your partner does surprise you.

Oh, yeah.

You know, like, there are definitely, you know, times that you've brought flowers. I feel like we're gonna use flowers a thousand times in this episode.

I mean, it's a stereotypical example, but it's a great examp because it's one of those things that it is a stereotype and it's maybe cheesy, but it also. Flowers bring a lot of joy for me. Like, I thought flowers were kind of dumb. But the reality is now that we, you know, we live together, we have a house. Whenever I do Bring flowers home, and then we have, like, flowers, nice flowers in our house for a week or two or however long they happen to last. It's really nice. It actually adds to the ambiance of our house. I am a flower convert man. I'm into it.

I'm a man now. But, yeah, I mean, of course, like, you know, when you bring me flowers by surprise, it's so wonderful. I love it. Times that you maybe ask me out on a date night, you kind of catch me off guard or say, I've got something planned for us. Like, that feels wonderful. Nobody is going to say, like, oh, no, I hate it when my. Well, actually, maybe some people don't like surprise.

Some people do not like surprises. So, you know, if that's. If that's you, then maybe this isn't the episode for you.

Okay, so we don't want to deny that, but does it count if you have to ask for these things? So let's just get right into it. I don't think anybody's gonna be wildly surprised to hear us say that.

You may be disappointed, but not surprised.

Yeah, we believe it absolutely still counts. And we also kind of take it a step further. Our opinion here is that you should ask for the things that you want, the things that make you feel loved and appreciated. So it's not even just a like, okay, sure, fine, you have to ask. And yeah, they still count. It's like, no, you should ask. You deserve to ask. Your partner deserves to be asked. And you should ask for things that you love.

And I think we'll get into this more a bit later. But, yeah, not only do you need to ask for the things that you want and you need, but if there's something that comes up for you when you think through that, like, oh, God, that feels so yucky, that's a sign that you've got something to work on personally. We talked about this in our episode about being needy. There's a lot of reasons why we don't want to feel that way. There's a lot of personal work that might need to be done. If this is something that comes up for you a lot.

Yeah, I think there are some similar themes that came up in that episode than in this episode around how we're conditioned to feel embarrassed or shy, to ask for things, even from the people that we're closest to. But the bottom line is that your partner is not a mind reader. No matter how close the two of you get, how long you've been together, you are just gonna continue to be Sh. By how often your partner will forget the things that, like, make you feel loved and appreciated. They're just never gonna get to a point where they can perfectly read your mind 100% of the time and do all of those things that you need and want. The bottom line is, you know, we're all adults, and part of being in an adult relationship means asking for what we want. But that act of asking for something absolutely does not take away the value of it.

Yeah. It's gonna feel different than, like, a total surprise versus not a surprise, but it doesn't make it not count.

Yeah.

There's a place for both of these things, I think.

Yeah. So let's talk about, like, the resistance that comes up for people around this, because we know that you're, you know, you're probably listening to this, thinking, like, ugh. But shouldn't my partner just know this? Shouldn't they know this about me? Isn't it obvious? Haven't I asked for this before?

Yeah, it's like. It's like, okay, maybe it's not mind reading, but, like, they should know, right? Like, through stuff I've said before or. Because, I don't know, because of gender stereotypes and I'm a flower man.

Yeah.

And there.

There definitely is a pain that goes along with this. This is a part of intimacy that there's all this wonderful connection that happens with somebody. The sense of, like, growing so close to them, and yet you're never gonna get to this point where they are fully, I want to say, inside of you, and I'm like, okay, sex jokes there, but, like, you're never gonna get into this point where they really, truly know you completely. And I think there's this really exquisite pain that goes along with that.

Wow.

My partner still just does not know me, and they're not gonna ever completely know me.

Yeah. You can grieve the lack of mind reading. I mean, maybe. Maybe we'll figure out in our lifetime. Science will figure out how we can read each other's minds, and then all bets are off after that. Right now. Not going to happen.

So there's a nuance here, Right. Like, of course your partner is going to get to know you. They are going to understand, like, things that you generally like and dislike. So, for example, yeah, maybe your partner should know that you like having a regular date night. Right. And, like, you can ask your partner for date night a bunch of times, and hopefully over time, they will learn. Yeah. Date nights is important to my partner. Partner. It's something that we should continue doing. But that doesn't mean that they are magically going to know how often you want to have date nights or the specific days that you want to have a date night or what you want to do on a date night. It doesn't mean that life isn't going to catch up or your partner is going to go through some personal issues and they're just going to forget to do date nights, even though they know how important they are to you. So it's like, yes, we do want our partners to learn about us and to generally know things about us. But, like, like, it's really not ever going to be as obvious to your partner as it feels like it should be to you.

And I do want to call out a specific scenario. If you are listening to this podcast and you are one of those people that does or has felt like up till now that it doesn't really count as much when you have to ask, and maybe you've expressed some disappointment when you have had to ask for things. Imagine what that might be like for your partner when. Let's, like, we'll give flowers. We can do flowers and date nights as an example. You know, like, you do ask for flowers, and you're maybe a little, like, disappointed or bummed out when you ask. And so it's like maybe kind of a slightly aggressive request, and your partner goes out and fulfills your request, gets you flowers and brings them back to you. And, like, you're not particularly excited because you had. You feel like, well, I had to ask, and, okay, I got the flowers. But, like, it doesn't really feel good. Imagine what that might feel like for your partner. Your partner's like, okay, you expressed a need. I went out and did this thing. And like, now you're really not excited. Why would I do this again? Yeah, you know, or like, same thing for date night. If it's like, God, we never go on date nights. You gotta just plan one, and then you plan a date night and you're kind of, like, pissy the whole date night or, like, bummed out and there's not, like, very much connection going on that sends a mixed signal to the partner who's like, so I'm supposed to plan these date nights that are not so fun. Not just saying, like, one partner's right and one partner's wrong here. Just trying to. Can you have some empathy for what that could be like for the partner? And it's a mixed signal.

Yeah.

And especially if we're doing gender stereotypes, men are not good at kind of Parsing mixed signals. You know, as a. As a guy, I tend to be like, oh, that seems like a mixed signal. I am just going to withdraw. Like, I'm just like, this feels confusing. I don't want to be a part of it. I'm going to withdraw.

Yeah. So if you're not getting. If you're not seeing, like, excitement or appreciation from your partner, it's sort of like, okay, well, why am I going to do that again? Type of thing. Meanwhile, your partner is like, they never do this for me, you know, so there's a lot of miscommunication that can come up around that. I think it's also the heart of this is that the ways that we give love are usually different from the ways that we like to receive it. And the ways that we like to receive love are going to be very different from the ways that our partner likes to receive love. So a lot of times people will talk about, like, why does this require so much effort? Why can't my partner just remember to do these things? They're not that hard. But if your partner has a different way that they like to show love, there's a different way that feels natural to them that they are probably already. Already doing. But you're not seeing that because it's not the way that feels natural to you. This idea of, like, what feels natural, it's just so different for different people, and it causes us to really miss each other and to feel like our partner isn't actually doing anything.

Yeah. I mean, we've been here ourselves, like, when, you know, Vanessa. Vanessa loves compliments. You know, I honestly don't know if, from the very beginning of our relationship, have you responded really, really well to compliments. And you've told me a lot that, like, compliments are so meaningful to you. I feel like there was sort of a point in our relationship, maybe it was where I kind of accidentally stumbled across it and, like, said, like, oh, you're killing it, whatever. And, like, Vanessa got so excited. I just remember there being a juncture in our relationship, or maybe we had some conversations about it. Maybe you were feeling disappointed or unappreciated. You know, I remember a number of times where it was discussed and reinforced to me that, like, yeah, it feels really good for Vanessa to receive compliments. And it took me a long time to really remember to do that, really understand the impact, the positive impact that that had on her. And for me, I felt like my love language is physical touch. Like, it wasn't like, I don't want to give her compliments. I was like, I want to cuddle her. I want to give her a hug. And like, that's so much more better than, you know, that is a compliment. It's a physical compliment. Like, isn't. Like, isn't that better? Isn't that better? And so it's just intellectually, I can see how this sounds. It sounds kind of nutty when I say it, but, you know, I still feel that inside. It's just like, this is the way that I am wired. And it's just I can see myself back then being like, this hug is obviously better than like, something I just say. I don't even touch her when I say it.

I don't even touch her. And meanwhile, I'm like, stop touching me. Say nice things to me. Yeah, stop touching me.

Oh my God, I can totally hear that.

So, yeah, I mean, again, this idea that what's gonna feel natural and easy and like, duh, obvious to you, it's just those are completely different things to your partner that feel that way. We wanna give you a couple practical things that you can do if this is coming up in your relationship. One is to have a con with your partner where you ask them, what are the things that you do for me that I don't usually recognize and appreciate? Give them the opportunity to share with you the things that feel natural and easy and effortless to them, the ways that they are already showing you their love without having to be asked, because you're probably not paying attention to them because they're not the exact ways that you want to see. But I think your partner is almost certainly doing something to make you feel loved and appreciated. So ask them for that. Similarly, like, if you feel like there are certain things that you do for your partner that they don't typically tend to recognize, share those with them. Another thing that you can do once you've learned these things is to make the active effort to notice your partner doing them. So for you internally to notice them and to be able to tell yourself like, ah, this is the way my partner is showing me that they care, that they love me. And also to call them out to your partner to say, like, oh, I see you doing that. I really appreciate that.

Yeah. And this might sound counterintuitive at first because you might be like, wait, I don't want to reinforce them doing these things that they feel like are really meaningful to me when in reality they don't feel that meaningful to me. It's like, I don't want them, like, making Me dinner, I want them buying me flowers. Or that's maybe a bad example, but you know what I'm saying? The reality is reinforcing that with your partner. I noticed that you made me dinner. I noticed you do this a lot. I really appreciate it. Long term, it's going to be so much better for you, because then your partner feels like, oh, she appreciates me for what I do, rather than being like, I do all these things for her, and she doesn't notice, so why would I want to do another thing?

Exactly. Oh, that's such a good point. That's such a good point. Because I'm sure there are lots of things where you're like, yeah, I don't really care that you did that. I think a lot of us are looking at it from the scarcity perspective.

I was just going to say that.

There'S only, like, two nice things that my partner has the capacity to do for me every day. So, like, I don't want it to be doing the dishes. I can do that, but it's really not. It's an additive effect. When Xander and I get into places in our relationship where we're like, sometimes we like to go over the top with each other. Like, I see that you did that. Thank you so much. I see that you did this thing. I really appreciate that. And, like, when we get that feedback from each other, we just want to do more and more of it. Yeah, it feels good.

You know, I just want to be a good boy.

Yeah, you're a good boy. You're a very good boy.

You know, just. Just picture a little dog. If you say. If you keep. You know, if you keep saying your dog's a good boy, like, your dog's not gonna be like, okay, it's meaningless. I've had enough. Enough compliments.

I don't know if the dog can understand that, but sure.

Well, then why do you say good boy?

The dog is capable of some very complex thoughts.

Yeah. Yeah. Try to make a, you know, a funny example.

No, but it's a really good point. Like, yeah, I do think so many of us are. We're not appreciating the things that our partner is doing, but if we were to show more of that appreciation, that's going to give your partner the motivation to do these other things that don't feel natural to them but would feel better for you. So keep on that freaking praise, for sure.

No scarcity mindset, man. Scarcity mindset is one of the just, like, the real life killers. Like, I feel like oh, yeah. It affects so many areas of our life. Like, I mean, yeah, I can. My quality of life is directly tied to, like, how much of a scarcity mindset I have been living in.

Oh, for sure. That might need to be a podcast episode in and of itself. Another thing that you can do is to try to set your partner up for success beforehand. So again, like, the idea that we really want to drill in here is the things that seem natural to you are not going to seem natural to your partner. So are there ways that you can maybe create some structure or set them up for success? So silly example is like, maybe you want your partner to give you a cuddle every single day. Could you put a little reminder on their phone to literally pop up and be like, go cuddle me.

I have done that for myself to give Vanessa compliments. I've done it enough that I. I remember to do it. But even when I do do it, it is one of those things where I have to be like, oh, yeah, I should give her a compliment, because, like, I recognize this isn't coming completely naturally to me. But there was a while where just I had a reminder on my phone and there was part of me that really didn't want to do that because it felt like, you know, I wanted to punish myself. I wanted to be like, oh, you should be. You should be like a nice person that just does that without having to be reminded. But then I was like, you know what the reality is? I can either take an action that is going to increase the likelihood that I do something that makes me more of a nice person, or I could take no action and then just be like, self flagellating myself constantly.

Yeah, well, you sort of internalize the belief in the other direction. Like, I shouldn't have to ask myself to do things for my partner. I should just do them naturally. Right? Screw the word naturally. Seriously. Ultimately, what this boils down to. I was thinking about this a lot and I was like, you know, what is more important to me? Like, sure, sometimes having a partner who can read your mind, of course, sometimes that feels really nice. But what would I rather have? Would I rather Xander could read my mind perfectly at all times, or would I rather know that I have a partner who is responsive to my requests and desires and cares about them? Yeah. That I have a partner that I can say, hey, I would like for you to do this. This would make me feel really good. And he would respond to those things. And to me, that's so much more valuable to have a partner who like, takes my requests seriously, who's willing to take action, who will listen to what I'm saying, rather than just being the. This perfect little mind reader.

Yeah. And if you're struggling with that, in terms of which of those is more important to you, think about, go to the extreme and think. What would it actually look like if your partner could read your mind? Because we oftentimes get focused on, well, I want them to read my mind for all this positive stuff, my wants and my desires. But then, like, what if they could also hear, like, that negative self talk? Or like the part of your brain that maybe thinks or says nasty things about your partner, like, oh, God, why did they do it like that? Like, don't they know that, you know, blah, blah, blah. You would probably prefer that they couldn't read your mind because you might get into some trouble.

Oh, yeah. It could actually be really terrible. So we want to talk now about, like, some more tips for asking for what you want from your partner. Because we do want you to ask for what you want. So first thing we want to point out, we kind of mentioned this a little bit already, but you may feel like asking for things makes you come off as needy. So we did have a whole Episode number 25, where we talk about, like, needs and wants. It's called are you needy? So definitely make sure to listen to that episode if this is like a big issue for you. But some other quick tips that we wanted to share here. First one is to get clear on the specific ask first. You want to have this internal clarity around what is it that you really want from your partner? Because I think a lot of the times we have this sense of like, my partner's not, like, fulfilling me and I want more from them, but we can't even even name what exactly it is. Right?

Yeah. So. So we're saying instead of feeling that feeling of like, oh, there's something I want, but I'm not sure what it is. Where a lot of us go wrong is we share, Right. Then we go, we start making these vague requests of our partner, or like, expressing disappointment, you know, implying that we need something but not really committing to what it is.

Yeah.

Earlier I said that, you know, I know, at least for me, when I hear, like, two things that feel like they're in conflict, I just kind of like, seems like you got some shit to work out. I'm gonna walk away slowly. Like, that's probably what is going on with your partner. That's why it's so important to, like, once you're feeling that feeling. Be like, yeah, this. It might feel uncomfortable for me to feel like there's something that's unfulfilled, but I need to sit with this long enough for me to really figure out what the need is specifically.

And I think this is where we come crashing back into those, like, Hollywood stereotypes. You know, I hear a lot of women, like, I just want my partner to be more romantic, but it's like, what does romantic mean?

Yeah, that could mean a totally different thing to, like, 10 people are gonna give you 10 different definitions of what romantic means for you.

But if, yeah, if we really press, a lot of women will be like, well, I don't know, Just be more romantic. And it's like, that's not a fair thing to put on your partner. If you can't even articulate what it is that you need, it is not fair for you to put that effort that work onto your partner of like, I don't know, I need something. I don't know what it is, but you have to figure it out, and then you have to give it to me.

That's so unfair. I need you to cook me the most amazing dinner. I'm allergic to tons of stuff. I'm not going to tell you what it is. Figure it out.

So you need to take that time yourself to figure out what are the specific requests that you want to make of your partner. What are the specific things that are going to make you feel loved? The second tip that we want to give is when you're actually making that ask of your partner. Share the feelings behind your request. So you can tell your partner, like, I want you to buy me flowers. Okay, sure. That's a request. It's straightforward, whatever. But you could also say, it makes me feel so good when you buy me flowers. It really lets me know that you were thinking of me, and that makes me feel so close to you. It's this little gesture that means the world to me. Like, you can make my entire day, my entire week by surprising me with a couple of flowers.

Yeah. I think that last bit is so powerful because as much as we are influenced by Hollywood, I think some of us are influenced in the other direction. Maybe a lot of men who dislike rom coms who are like, oh, I don't want anything to do with these typically romantic gestures. It's so cheesy. Like, screw flowers, screw jewelry, screw whatever, chocolates. So, because I think a lot of people see these movies, they're like, oh, this is so meaningless. Like, what is this? What does this really matter. So hearing from your partner, this. I recognize that this is a small thing, but it means so much to me. It's like, there's a disproportionate positive impact for me, and that's kind of like what I needed to hear from Vanessa around the compliments was like, this thing is just a couple words that you say, and it just makes the rest of my day. When I really started to see the lasting impact that it had, it was like, oh, this isn't just a thing that I thought was cheesy for her. It's totally the opposite. It really makes a huge impact, and it's almost like a cheat code. Maybe a guy will understand that better. It's like, literally a cheat code to a video game where it's like, you do this thing that feels like no effort to you, and it has a huge impact.

Ladies play video games, too. I know. So people of all genders play video games.

Vanessa does not play video games.

But anyways, yeah, being able to share those emotional impacts with your partner because again, if the flowers are not a natural thing that come to your partner, they hear flowers and they're like, okay, whatever.

Yeah, that sounds dumb.

Versus being able to share, like, this is the impact that you have on me. This is how loved and appreciated and special you can make me feel with something that really is not that big of a deal. Right. So share that with them. Set them up for success, us in that sort of way.

The other really important thing about sharing the context of, like, what it feels like for you is that it helps your partner get a clearer picture of what it will actually be like when they do that nice thing for you. Because if they don't have that context, I think we default to viewing the world in a kind of egotistical way where we go, well, how would that make me feel? And if it doesn't make me feel very good, like, why am I going to want to do it? So it's like, without any additional data, we just kind of default to, like. Like, viewing the world through our own eyes. And it's like, you need to give someone the ability to see it through your eyes.

Ooh, love that. I realized we also kind of skipped over a step. One is to like to actually state it as a request. I think so often in relationships, what we end up saying to our partner is, you never buy me flowers. You never take me out on a date. You never write me love notes. Like, your partner is never going to respond positively to that. No one's ever Gonna hear, oh, I'm never doing it. Great, now I'm so motivated. Like, do it all the time now.

Yeah. Or maybe you don't go to that extreme, but like, you may. You may state it kind of vaguely implying that you want something like, oh, my. My friend's. My friend's husband got her flowers and it was so nice. Or something like that. And it's like, no, we just need to be direct about it. Like, oh, wouldn't it be nice if you did this more? It's like, no, just come straight out and say it.

Yeah. Okay. Let's address another really important element that comes up around this, which is surprise. So I think one of the huge pieces of resistance that people have to this whole idea is like, well, I want to be surprised by it. I don't want to have to ask for it, because then I know it's coming. Cheat code for you. Because I know what cheat code means.

Wow. Congrats.

You can still make a request, but create the space for there to be a surprise around it. So we have the perfect example in our relationship. It has always been my fantasy to have my partner say, we're going on a trip. Pack your bags. You have no clue where you're going. You'll find out when we get there. And I shared this with Xander and I told him, I would love for you to surprise me with a trip. Right? There is no way in hell Xander ever would have known I wanted this. You know, this is this little fantasy of mine. Unless I had told him right. But I framed it as like, I would like you to surprise me, plan a trip at some point to some location. I would just like to be surprised. So, yes, I'm making the request of, hey, it would make me feel super loved if you plan this trip for us. But I'm still making that request in a way that creates tons of space for there to be a surprise element. So you can do the same thing with requests that you have. And finally, one last tip that we have for you. This can be a great thing to do a weekly check in around. So maybe you ask each other every week or every month or something like, how are we doing with loving each other? Like, what can I do? What more can I do to make you feel really loved and appreciated? But I think if you have some sort of regular check in where you're asking each other this question, it's like a built in way to set yourselves up for success. Because remember, you are going to forget. It's not going to feel natural. To you, it's not going to come to mind. So you need these regular reminders.

And it's a built in way to continue positively reinforcing positive things that are happening. You can give compliments, assuming that things are going well. You can keep complimenting each other on how good of a job you're doing. It just further reinforces the good work that you guys are each doing.

Yeah. Okay. We do want to talk about one exception to this though.

Yes.

Which is if your partner never shows you that they care about you in any way. Honestly, I think that this is a very small percentage of relationships that this happens in. I think that this does ultimately boil down to, like, the likelihood is that your partner is showing you love in ways that you don't realize they're not as meaningful to you. But we absolutely, you know, want to acknowledge that there are some relationships where it feels like your partner's just not making any sort of an effort whatsoever. And so this is a bigger conversation that the two of you need to have probably in therapy about the effort that's required in relationships. You know, we, like, we've had some men reach out to us on Instagram and say stuff like, well, I already won my partner over.

That's what dating was about. We're done with that. We're married.

Yeah, I shouldn't need to have to do any of that stuff anymore. But no, that's not how relationships work. Not a one and done kind of thing. Like, you still have to put in the work.

Put some work in, bro.

All right, so let's share some stories that we got from Instagram about how people are dealing with this in their relationships. And so the first person wrote, my husband and I recently went through your mental load workbook together since I had been feeling burnt out from taking on the majority of tasks. After figuring out a couple of tasks that he could take over, I told him that small gifts or specific compliments would help me feel more appreciated for my share of the work. I often bring him home treats or give him specific compliments which he appreciates. See prime example here of this person. Like, they're showing their love to their partner in the way that they want it. But maybe the husband, that's not the.

Way that makes him feel like, yeah, but anyways, he likes the treats but not the compliments.

Going back to the story they wrote, I realized that it's less often that he does the same. He asked, do I not already do that? To which I replied that he does and that I would also like it more regularly. It felt really embarrassing to ask for, and maybe I cried a little bit.

That's okay.

But he was very understanding and told me that it wasn't embarrassing and that he could totally do that for me. Our partners aren't mind readers, and if you're in a healthy relationship, they'll want to do the things that make you feel loved and appreciated. They just need to be told what those things are.

Sometimes there's a piece of this that I really want to highlight where this could have gone totally wrong. There was, like, a fork in the road that they didn't take. And that is where he asked, do I not already do that? That is such a key thing. So many couples in that case, like, she might have been like, oh, yeah, I guess you do already do that. And therefore, like, cancel my request. Yeah, it's so easy for that question to kind of bring up. Your partner challenges you slightly, and you fold. You're like, oh, wait, no, actually, you do. So I should be happy with what I get. And then at that point, it would have been like, you're back to square one. Plus, the resentment starts to creep in because you're like, wait, like, I asked for what I wanted. And then I kind of caved when he challenged me a little bit. Like, he's not even challenging. He's just trying to get a sense of, like, how am I doing already? Because it's never like, you're doing nothing or you're doing everything. Like, the reality is you're probably somewhere in the middle. And it's really helpful when gauging, like, how much effort do I need to put into this? Am I. Do I need to, like, totally start over from scratch? Or do I just need to do a little more of what I'm already doing? So I think that's a really key point. And, like, if you're going to ask for this, be prepared to tell your partner, yeah, you're already doing this a lot, and I really love it if you would do it even more. More.

Yeah. Awesome.

All right. Our other story is I'm currently in an IVF support group, and it's been surprising to me how many people complain that they feel alone and their partners aren't supportive, but then they haven't asked for what they want that would make them feel supported. I think we're socialized to think it doesn't count if we have to ask. My partner and I are very big into asking, what do you need from me right now? And that helps because it creates an invitation to add ask.

Yeah. I love that idea that, like, what do you need from me right now? Sometimes that question can feel hard. Like, people feel put on the spot of, like, I don't know what I need, but it's okay.

It's okay to say, I don't know.

Yeah, it's totally okay. But I love that idea of, like, yeah, that invitation to ask.

All right, let's get into a couple listener questions. Huh, huh, huh.

Eh.

I was actually kind of. I kind of wanted to say that because I was like, oh, that's the perfect. The perfect. I don't even know what, Like. What do you call a like. Like, is it a. What part of speech is it? I kind of wanted to say, hey, hey. We're gonna get into. Hey, guys. We're gonna get into some listener questions. This first one is not actually really phrased as a question, but we have some feedback, so we're gonna.

We're gonna turn it into a question.

We got thoughts. All right. My husband and I feel like we're stuck in this battle of me getting to the point of asking for appreciation. It feels forced, and it doesn't seem worth it because she asked. From my perspective, it's frustrating that he doesn't show appreciation. When I explicitly asked. From his perspective, he was just thinking about getting me flowers. But then when I suggest that I would love flowers from this place running a special, then I ruined the idea. Sure, getting flowers after asking for them isn't the same as getting them spontaneously, but not getting them because you asked for them feels way worse.

Oh, yeah. That's such a good point. We don't want to turn this into a punishment kind of thing, like, oh, you asked for it, so now I'm not gonna give it to you because you ruined the idea.

Yeah. I mean, that's a super scarcity mindset, plus a retaliatory kind of thing.

Yeah. So this is definitely a tricky dynamic that these two have gotten themselves into. So I would definitely recommend listen to the episode with your husband so he can understand that asking for things doesn't mean, you know, that takes away the value of them. But I think also having the separate conversation of, like, he can still do things even once you've asked for them.

So it actually sounds like in this case, he may believe that it doesn't. Yeah, you got me. In this case, I think that he may be the one who believes that it doesn't count if you have to be asked. He probably thinks, like, oh, this stuff should happen naturally. But also he probably doesn't really want to do it is what I. Is what I suspect. And so in his mind, he's created this whole justification of, oh, well, now that you've asked, it's ruined. And it ends up being like he's punishing her and that's not cool.

Do you think he actually was just thinking about getting her flowers?

100% no. Yeah, 100%, no. He was not. It's an excuse. And if it wasn't an excuse, then go prove it by doing it.

Or okay, sure, maybe you're like, well, now I don't want to get her flowers because she already mentioned it. Get her something else. Get her some candy. Get her a little gift that she's had her eye on. Write her a love note. Like, you can still do something different, even if you insist that it has to be something that was not mentioned previously.

Yeah. All right, next question is, how can I get my partner to make long term changes with this? For example, not just giving compliments for a few days because I asked and then phasing out. This cycle just repeats over and over again.

This is where we really want to normalize. And like, you're gonna be in this cycle for the rest of your life. You are gonna have to continue asking for things. Like, maybe there are some things that your partner finally will learn. But again, like the majority of stuff, it's just not gonna feel natural to your partner and so they are going to forget. So this is why we recommended doing some sort of weekly check in this way to make this be a frequent topic of conversation so you guys can continue talking about it. Keep it more top of mind. That way they'll continue doing it long term. But it's, this is not a one request and they're gon do it for the rest of your lifetime type of thing.

Like someone suggested previously in one of the stories we were reading, add into your daily check in. Start doing that thing of like, each of you ask each other, what do you need from me right now? Or what do you need more from me in this week? And if you get into that regular habit of asking, it just creates an opportunity to be able to continue asking for stuff in a way where it doesn't feel so charged, where it's like, oh God, you never do this for me. I gotta ask, ask. Like, just make it a regular part of life. All right, final question is, what if I can tell my partner really hates what I ask for? Like, my partner says love notes are cheesy and unnatural, but he'll still do it.

Okay, so first thing is, it doesn't matter what your partner thinks about these things. What matters is how you feel about them. And if love notes make you feel loved, then you deserve to get a little love note.

Yeah. I think the only exception is, like, if it's like an activity or something that feels. Feels unsafe or like you've. Someone has been traumatized by something in the past. But, like, unless your partner has somehow been traumatized by love notes in the past, I'm. I'm leaving a slight possibility because I maybe could imagine a very slim corner case where maybe something has happened, but 99.9%, like, so what, you think it's cheesy?

Yeah. What I would say to your partner is, I don't really need to know what your opinion is about these kinds of things, but because this is what makes me feel loved. And similarly, I will not judge you. If there's something that makes you feel loved that I don't really like, I would just leave it at that. Like, this is a situation of we don't really need to know it. I just appreciate you doing it.

Yeah. I mean, it's kind of to bring it back to food, because we haven't talked about food at all in this episode. You know, it's kind of like Vanessa is a little judgmental of people who like hazelnuts because she hates them so much. However, you know, if I eat some Nutella, like, Vanessa doesn't hate me. She just maybe silently judges me. But, you know, I would just say it's like when you don't like something, like, you don't have a problem with other people eating it. You. You don't be like, oh, my God, don't eat that around me.

Unless they're hazelnuts.

Unless they're hazelnuts. And then my example falls apart.

But, yeah, they just. They don't need to share. That's an example of being honest. Honest is just unnecessary sometimes.

Yeah.

It's more cruelty than honesty.

Yeah. I mean, and hopefully your partner could listen to this episode and realize that it's not about his worldview. It's about what is it like for you.

All right, so we have a couple of resources that we want to share with you if you want to dive into this a little deeper.

Go deep, baby.

One is our simple daily check in. We have a really easy, doable check in that couples can do every day with, or you can do it once a week if that fits better for you. But that's a great opportunity to insert this question of, you know, how can I love you? How can I take care of you in this upcoming week? So we will put a link to download that. It is absolutely free. And then we also shared a story that someone sent into us about our Mental Load workbook that we will put a link to in the show notes as well. It is only $25. It is such a great resource for seriously, any relationship to help you get really creative, crystal clear on what the responsibilities are in your relationship. Make sure you're sharing things evenly because honestly, the resentment that can build up around Mental Load plays a huge role in not wanting to show your partner love. So we'll put a link to check that out in the show Notes as well.

Well, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about how to proceed in situations where you're not in the mood for sex but you're not opposed to it either.

Ooh, those kind of like tricky moments.

Of, like, the gray areas my partner.

Wants to I'm not totally a no, but I'm not really a yes.

I'm a meh.

I'm a meh. Eh. I'm an eh.

I'm a meh. Eh.

Just say that and then your partner will be like, never mind.

Meh. Eh. No. Wow. Well, we're gonna leave you with that eh. It.