EPISODE 44: How To Get Your Partner To Open Up

Yeah, I think sometimes we use this idea of opening up almost like a catch all. Like if we're just feeling dissatisfied in the relationship in some way or just feeling like we're not quite getting what we're wanting from our partner, it's very easy to just say, like, why don't you just open up to me more often? Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Today we are talking about opening up and. No.

Your legs.

Beat me to the punch. I was gonna say. No, not your legs and no. Opening up the relationship.

Not your butt.

Or your butt. Okay, sure.

Your eye.

Open.

Open your eyes.

We're doing a whole podcast on how to open your eyes. No, we are talking about opening up emotionally today. We be talking about. We. We have. We have a secret guys. We actually have. There are two podcasts that get recorded.

Household.

One is our podcast, Pillow Talks, and the other one is our dog.

Are we. Are we going with this? Are we actually going with this?

Apparently I'm crying already.

I'm gonna let you. I'm gonna let you record this. And if you. If you are hearing this in the podcast, I just want you to know this is a really rare special take of a NASA special. I expected that we were just gonna cut that out and restart here, but I think Vanessa is going with this, so pray tell.

I don't know why I decided to do that. Our dog has. Maggie has her own podcasts. It's called Magger's World.

That's M, A G, R, Maggie. Maggie doesn't know how to spell her own name. Her English is still improving.

Yeah, hopefully you have a dog and you do dog voices and you understand the weirdness that goes into talking as your dog. But Maggie has a podcast, it's called Magger's World and she does a daily episode talking about something from Magger's World.

So come on, introduce the episode.

I can't. That was a one time only thing.

Come on.

But every episode starts with today. Talk about whatever the topic is. Welcome to another episode of Mega's World.

Come on. I think. I think you can do that a little better.

Hello. Welcome to.

Come on. Pull it together.

Pull it together, Meggers World. Today we be talking about opening up. I really hope that this is nobody's first podcast episode. I feel like we say that every episode. Like, I hope this isn't your first, because it's really weird. I guess every episode is just weird. So welcome and thank you for being here.

This might be the weirdest intro we've ever done. I'm 99% sure this is. And there's a 50% chance we're not going to air this, so we'll see.

Okay, let's get back on track. So we are talking about opening up emotionally. I think a lot of people, we want more of this from our partners. Right. Like, we want our partner to open up to us. And so today we want to talk about, like, what does that really mean? Why is it such a struggle? And how can we get our partners to actually open up? So we're gonna do some of the deeper. Dive into this topic, but we're also gonna give you some very practical, maybe even a little sneaky.

Tricky. Yeah. And actually, before we even get into it, one practical piece of advice is don't do what Vanessa just did, which is deflect to humor. Because, you know, I think one of the. One of the things when we're trying to open up that we tend to do when we feel awkward about something is we defle humor. We make a joke to lighten the mood, and often that ends up veering us away from the goal of what we're actually trying to do. So, you know, don't do what Vanessa just did.

It's just because I was saying, today we're talking about. And that's how she always starts her episodes.

True.

Today we be talking about. Anyways, why don't we get into it, babe?

I'm half joking about my dig towards Vanessa here, about the deflecting, the humor.

Do you think I'm nervous to talk about opening up?

No. No, I don't think so. Vanessa is. Does not struggle with opening up. I don't know if I struggle, really. I feel like there's been times where it's been harder.

I wish you could see the look that I'm giving to him right now. You have definitely struggled with it in periods of our relationship.

True, true. Yeah.

Overall, I'd say you do a great job, and especially with where you're at right now, you are really wonderful at opening up.

Thanks.

But I think that, yeah, it was A huge struggle you in different parts of our relationship. And I hope that you will have some valuable insight to offer to people who might be struggling themselves.

All right, so for real now, let's get into it all. But as we always do, we are going to do the review of the week first, seven for seven with the friend slash hubby. Oh, wow. What is this 7 for 7? I guess we'll find out. All right. Just shared with seven of my friends that your Instagram was my new guilty pleasure slash information hub. So they all followed you. Star eyes. I recommend things to them all the time and they never follow. This information is fun, can make us blush, but it's so informative and normalizes a lot of hidden feelings. Love the podcast too. Now it's no longer a guilty pleasure. Just a pleasure to get to laugh and learn with you guys. Heart post baby. Things have changed between my husband and I, but you two give me fun stories and topics to share with my husband. That lights the spark we had at the beginning. Oh, that's awesome. I mean, that's really the big goal of what we do, I think, is just help rekindle that spark.

Yes. And we really appreciate you sharing our podcast and our Instagram with seven people. That's awesome.

Yeah. So do you have seven people that you could share us with? Because that would be really helpful.

The seven for seven challenge.

Yeah, the seven for seven challenge.

Wow. We should turn this into a formal thing. Yeah.

7X your sex life.

Oh, wow. Is that our next course? Yeah. We cannot tell you how much we appreciate you guys sharing our podcast, our Instagram with your loved ones, especially here over at the podcast. The reviews really are the best way for us to grow and reach new people. Like, when your podcast has more reviews, the different podcast platforms will show it to more people who are browsing around looking for a new podcast. So it actually goes a long, long, long way in helping the podcast grow hopeful.

This episode doesn't get shown to random people because they're gonna be like, what the hell is. What did I just listen to?

So we really appreciate you taking the time to leave a review. Apple Podcast is currently the only place where you can leave a review, but Spotify allows you to give a star rating. It's literally just one tap on the home screen of the podcast. If you haven't heard us talk about it before, we do a weekly giveaway with reviews. Once you leave a review, you are entered every week. Going forward, we pick winner a week. And if you are picked, you can come over to Instagram, anessamarin therapy, and DM us a question and we will send you a free personalized mini coaching session. So it'll be us in your back pocket. I don't know where that came from. That sounds really weird.

We might need to work on that.

One a little bit. Okay, we'll give you a free coaching session. It'll be very valuable, we promise. So thank you in advance for leaving reviews. All right, let's get into it. As always, we turn turned to our trusty Instagram community and we were really curious to see if there was a gender breakdown here, because we had a.

Hypothesis, as most people do. Yeah, yeah, you can probably guess what it is.

I think there's a stereotype that women are more comfortable talking about feelings and emotions and opening up, and men struggle with that a lot more. So we wanted to ask questions, you know, based on gender breakdown. So first we asked women, do you wish your partner would open up to you more often? And 87% said yes. Only 13% said no.

Wow, stark difference there.

Yeah. And we, like, Instagram, doesn't give us the demographics on if our audience is in relationships with men or women or anything like that, but we would venture a guess that our audience is pretty similar to, like, the U.S. population, where rough estimates are about 90% of people are heterosexual. So I think a lot of these women are referring to male partners, that they wish their male partner would open up more.

And so then we asked the same question to men. Do you wish your partner would open up to you more often? 63% of people said yes, 37% said no. Still, more than 50% of men do wish that their partner would open up to them more, but far fewer than, you know, what the women said was 87% of women wanted their presumably male partner to open up more, and 63% of men wanted their presumably female partner to open up to them more.

I was not surprised by the number for women, but I was quite surprised by the number for men because, again, we have this stereotype that women are really comfortable being open and sharing their emotions. And honestly, I think sometimes there are even, like, negative stereotypes about women of, like, oh, why do they always want to talk about their feelings? Can't you just be a little bit more rational? Like, I expected the number of men that wanted their partner to open up more to be a lot lower. Like, 63% is pretty high.

Yeah, it could be this a situation where it's sort of like an emotional standoff. There's not a history in a Heterosexual relationship of the guy opening up very much. And I, and you know, the woman might find, oh, I find other people to share my emotions with. I share them with my girlfriend, with my mom, et cetera.

We also asked our non binary friends, I know a lot of times we share stats for men and women and we don't want to be so binary. I think it is interesting to like look at those dynamics. But we also, you know, just asked our non binary friends the same question and 68% of people said yes. So pretty similar to the results for asking men.

Yeah. So I mean, overall, people want their partners to open up more. Far more. Women want their partners to open up more than men and non binary folks. However, in general, opening up is a good thing. Most people want it.

So we also asked one more question. We asked men, do you feel comfortable opening up to your partner? We didn't want to flood our entire story with like all these different polls, so we just asked men here. Cause that was the demographic that we were most curious about.

It's the stereotype that men don't open up very much. Men don't feel comfortable opening up. So we wanted to test that.

Yeah. And 51% of men said yes, they feel comfortable. 49% said no, they don't. And that was also another number that surprised me. I was expecting it to be a bit lower, but I would guess that men who are willing to follow our account are in general kind of more open to these kinds of conversations than the, the general population would be.

I would think so. I mean, we, we hear from men all the time who follow us that say, following your account for a little while has gotten me so much more comfortable talking about sex, tuning into my emotions, sharing those emotions with my partner. So I'm pretty sure the men who follow us are much more emotionally capable than the general population.

Yeah. So let's talk about what the heck does opening up even mean? I mean, I think like so many other dynamics that we discuss, we throw around this phrase. But I think not too many of us have taken the time to dig into like what does that really mean for us? Like what is that we're looking for? How do we want to feel? What do we want to experience?

I bet you this is one of those things where if you pulled like 10 people, give me your definition of what opening up means, you'd get 10 very different responses, like it's a buzzword. But everyone has a very different idea of what constitutes opening up or what type of sharing would qualify as being open or not.

Yeah. And I think especially if you're somebody who's not comfortable opening up, there can be a pretty negative connotation around it. Like, it means that you have to talk about, like, your deepest darkest fears or all of these secrets that you've been holding from your partner. Like, there's a way that it doesn't feel like something that you would want to do. So I think step number one for people is to figure out what opening up means to you. What is it exactly that you're looking to experience from your partner? Some ideas might be, I want to have deeper, more meaningful conversations. Maybe you want to hear more of your partner's inner thoughts and feelings. Maybe there's a sense of, I want to truly know who my partner is. I want to see who they are on the inside, not just the self that they present to the rest of the world.

Yeah. And I mean, I think the key is trying to get as clear and detailed as possible about what it means to you. We're going to talk about this more throughout the rest of the episode. The biggest challenge for people who already struggle to open up and, you know, especially for men, is hearing this big buzzword. You don't really know what it means. You want to be good at whatever it is that you're doing. You know that you don'. Know how to do this thing or you've been told you're not good enough at doing it. And it's so easy to just hear that and shut down. Whereas if Vanessa were to tell me some very specific thing that she's looking for from me in a conversation or something she would like me to improve on or something she'd like to see over the next couple of weeks that's so much easier for me to wrap my head around, to improve on and to deliver on versus this big phrase that's just like. That's just some shit that everybody says and no one knows what it means, so I'm just going to disregard it.

Yeah. I think sometimes we use this idea of opening up almost like a catch all. Like, if we're just feeling dissatisfied in the relationship in some way or just feeling like we're not quite getting what we're wanting from our partner, like, it's very easy to just say, like, why don't you just open up to me more often? But you know what?

You know what this reminds me of? It's kind of like on the Bachelor. Whenever people dislike someone, they go, oh, they're not here for the right reasons. It's kind of, like, that. What the hell does that mean? What are the right reasons for going on the Bachelor anyway? Like, it's a crazy thing. No one's really there.

Find love, babe.

No one's. No one's really there for the exact right reason. So it's just like, huh, there's something I don't like about this person. So I'm gonna say this thing that I know kind of pigeonholes them in a certain way, and everyone kind of knows what it means, but no one really knows what it means, and it's just gonna be more drama.

So I think maybe it's important to think about it in this broad sense of, like, what kind of, you know, intimacy do you want to have with your partner? What kind of connection do you want to have? But also individual moments. So if you're feeling this frustration with your partner and you're just wanting to kind of lash out and say, like, why won't you open up to me? To try to go within in that moment and get a sense of, like, what is it exactly that I'm looking for in this moment? Rather than just throwing out this pretty generic phrase, right?

Yeah. I mean, another reason that that generic phrase can be super harmful is that, you know, if you hear I want you to open up, it can imply to you that you're telling me that I'm closed off. So instead of it being an invitation to share more, it can actually feel like a personal attack. Like, you know, you're telling me that I'm closed off. You're telling me there's something wrong with me. Rather than inviting in more intimacy or initiating a conversation, it's like starting an argument.

If we were to look at what are the specific moments where one partner says, I want you to open up, I would bet that the majority of them are negative. Like, it's sort of thrown out as an insult or in frustration rather than this really, like, tender loving. Like, I want you to open up to me. And so I think it's really easy, like, exactly what you're saying, for it to feel like this negative thing to your partner. Like, they're being judged or criticized. They're doing something wrong. So I think reframing this idea of opening up to your partner can be really powerful. So if even that specific phrase, opening up, has brought up arguments or, you know, feels triggering to your partner in.

The past, cut that out of the vocabulary.

Yeah, you can swap it out with something like, I want to feel closer to you, or I want us to have some alone time. Right. Now. Or I want us to share with each other, you know, something that feels more positive.

Yeah. You know, actually, you said you listed out three things. The first one was like, I want to feel closer to you. And then the other two were very specific. I want some alone time. And what was the third one? It was. Was. It was another very specific thing. As you were saying that when you first said, I want to be closer to you, I was like, huh, that still feels very vague.

Yeah.

And then the next two examples you gave were super specific. Like we said, the more specific you can get, the better, especially if your partner is someone who is. You perceive as typically struggling with opening up.

Yeah. Other examples that are coming to mind is like, I want to hear what's going on for you, or I want you to feel comfortable sharing with me. You know, stuff like that where they can get a little bit more specific rather than just the like, yeah, open up to me now. So I'm curious, what does opening up mean to you, Xander?

Yeah, for me, I think it. It's really just what is going on in your head? What are you feeling in your heart, in the moment? You know, we've been together for a long time, and I feel like I have a pretty good sense of when you're feeling off. I can see it in your face or just in a moment where it's like, something happens, and all of a sudden your expression changes, your body language changes, and I can tell something is going on for you. I'm not sure exactly what it is. And I want to be with you in that. I want to be your teammate, and I want to understand what's going on. And one of the big things that I've really realized is that opening up has nothing to do with problem solving. I think that was where I went wrong with it a lot in the past. You would share something with me, something that was going on with you, a problem that you were having, and you would be wanting to vent about it, and I would be listening and being like, I have to solve this problem.

And I think that's literally just happened 30 seconds before we started recording the podcast.

It did. You know, old habits. Old habits die hard. But I think this is. This is one of the things that manager, especially, are just hardwired to do. We are hardwired to solve problems. You know, for me, it's a daily, active effort to remind myself life isn't about solving every problem that comes my way. Some things are better left unsolved. Like, what I was saying is just. I can see that something is going on with Vanessa. I've learned often what's going on is she's still feeling into what's going on. I just want to be a part of it.

It.

I want to know what's going on so that I can be there with her rather than just continue on my merry way and be like, oh, she looks like she's upset now, but whatever, that's her shit.

So do you think that holds a lot of men back from opening up because they don't want to go into problem solving mode with their partner?

Yeah. I catch myself sometimes hesitating to share what's going on with me because I'm starting to feel something. I'm starting to worry about something. I'm whatever. I can tell that it's not a fully formed thought. Something that's just come up for me and I don't really know where it came from. I don't really know exactly how I'm feeling yet. And there's that instinct where I'm like, oh, God, if I just wait this out, maybe it'll go away and then I won't have to deal with this. So you.

You don't want to share something with me unless it's like you already have it sort of figured out. You already have the solution to it.

Yeah. Or maybe. Maybe not solution necessarily, but. But that. I feel really confident in expressing what is going on and what I've learned. I mean, this is kind of counterintuitive, but I think that getting more in tune with your emotions means sharing what is going on for you before you know what is going on yourself is starting to be like, I don't know, just an example from the other day. We are in the process of moving. We're moving out of our home in Los Angeles that we've lived in for the last four and a half years. Five years. Yeah. This is the last podcast that we are. Are recording here. And saying that gives me a little bit of a feeling, an inkling of a feeling that I'm sad. It's bittersweet, you know, knowing that we are doing things for the last time. And I caught myself being like, ooh, this feels uncomfortable. I don't like this, but I don't really know what's going on yet, so maybe I should just sit on it. And I've come to realize when I have that thought, that is a cue for me that I should share what's going on. Because as we've talked about in many other episodes, the best way through Your feelings is, like, actually going through them, sharing them, even if they feel incomplete, feeling into it rather than trying to run away from it. And so, you know, I think I shared with you, like, oh, you know, I'm. I'm feeling. I'm feeling a sort of way about this feeling.

A sort of way.

But, yeah, I mean, it's just, you know, for me, it is. Honestly, it's a daily battle against, like, the way that my brain is hardwired. And what I have learned tends to be a much more effective way of dealing with my feelings and also of building intimacy with you.

Yeah, I mean, I think that'll be really interesting insight for any women who are in relationships with men to think about. Like, that might be one of the reasons why he doesn't want to open up. So, going back to the question, like, I think for me, there are two things that come up. What you said describes my feelings about it exactly. Like, I want to know that when something's going on with you, that you feel comfortable sharing that with me. I can tell for you, you know, when something's going on with you, you're feeling or thinking something.

As good as we think we are at hiding stuff, we're not. And I think that applies to most people. We all think, like, oh, yeah, no one can tell what's going on. Like, no, everyone can.

Yeah. So I want to know what it is that's going on. And I think there's a sense of safety for me in that. Like, if I feel like you're holding something back from me or you're not sharing, like, it feels like it feels scary. But then on a. Like, on a broader level, it's really important to me to be in a relationship with somebody who can talk about emotions. You know, we. We get a lot of dms from women in our community saying, my husband, my boyfriend, you know, will never talk to me about emotions, he totally shuts down. And I can have a lot of compassion for men in those situations because I know men get raised with a whole lot of BS about your emotions. Feeling like, real man doesn't cry and like, you're supposed to be a man, not a pussy and all this stuff.

Oh, yeah.

So many cultural messages around that, at least.

Yeah. At least in America, probably. I would guess at least 95% of men have been ridiculed multiple times from a very young age for times that they showed emotion. I. I can think of a number offhand, starting from. I think age 4 is, like, as far back as I can remember.

Yeah. You've told a story on the podcast, I think.

Yeah.

So I can really, really empathize with that, that it's not easy to be a man and talk about your emotions in this culture. And at the same time, like, I couldn't be with a partner who is emotionally closed off. That's just not the kind of relationship that I could be in. It wouldn't feel safe. It wouldn't feel loving to me. I mean, that's part of why we're doing podcasts like this is because, again, we have a lot of compassion for people who are in those situations. We think that it is very possible to learn and grow and be able to open up and deal with your emotions. So that's why we're making this. But for me to.

That's.

Yeah, that's like, a really huge value, and that was something that attracted me to you initially, is that I could tell even from the early stages of dating that you were pretty comfortable, like, talking about what was going on for you, you know? So I'm saying some things that sort of feed right into the next point that we wanted to make, which is that you may also need to explain to your partner why it is that you want them to open up. So this is the same sort of thing about just drilling in with more detail and being able to explain more to your partner. Sometimes you might get a reaction from your partner of, like, why do want that from me? Why is that so important to you? Especially if this was somebody who was raised to believe that it's not okay or safe for them to talk about emotions. You can use a phrase like this. Like, here's what it feels like for me when you open up to me, when you share your thoughts, when you share your emotions with me. Like, this is what it feels like for me. Maybe it's like, I feel like you trust me. I feel like you want to confide in me as your partner, as your teammate. I feel like we're on the same team. I feel loving of you. You know, I feel like I get to see more of you.

Yeah. And one. One quick pro tip here is depending on who your partner is, how they react to any kind of comments like this. You might want to throw in a. More in all of those. Like, I. I feel like you trust me more. I feel like, you know, I feel more like you want to confide in me, because I think some people can engage in some very black and white thinking, and if they hear I feel like you trust me, then. Then you respond and be like, you don't think I trust you, and it like, turns into like a wedge rather than an actual intimacy building thing. So I think that's just an important thing to point out, especially if you're with a guy who is not very emotionally in tune. You can hear something like that and, and just turn it into this very stark thing of, like, what, you don't trust me? I haven't been trustworthy. And it's like, wait, that has nothing to do with what we're talking about here.

Yeah. So some other ways to explain this to your partner might be saying something like, you know, I love hearing what's really going on for you. I want to be able to support you. I want to make sure we're on the same page about this topic. It makes me feel safe opening up to you in return. Bottom line, giving your partner the specific reasons why this is something that you want. Want. Our next tip is that you need to make it safe for your partner to open up to you.

Oh, yeah. I mean, we already touched on how, at least for men, and I'm sure that women have plenty of experiences like this as well, of being ridiculed for being emotional, being ridiculed for sharing too much. You know, it may not be that women are being regularly ridiculed for being emotional, but I, I'm sure there's an aspect of like, oh, well, there's an appropriate amount to share. And then you cross that line and it', like, nope, that's too much. You shouldn't have done that. You know, I think it's very easy for us to feel like it, it is unsafe. And perhaps that things have happened in the past in our current relationship that made things feel unsafe. And that's not because, like, anyone is trying to hurt the other person, but we've just been socialized in certain ways where we can fall back in these old habits of be like, oh, please, like, don't, don't share that. That's really uncomfortable. Like, I don't feel good with that. And I think the really important thing here is that we're not saying that like, you guys have an unsafe relationship or you've made it unsafe. It's just acknowledging that a lot of us have had hurt in the past around sharing something and being ridiculed for.

It, or I think we all have.

Or being told like, that was too much. It's okay. It's okay to share this. But that, that other thing you said, that was too far, and so we can all be kind of triggered there.

Yeah. It's such a painful experience. Right. Of, like, really opening up and, like, showing somebody a really deep, dark part of you and being told, like, ooh, that was too much.

We don't talk about that.

We don't talk about that. I don't want to hear it. I feel like we all have examples of being, you know, emotionally scarred by that. So your partner may have their own history of being told not to open up.

Yeah. And you might have inadvertently done this in your relationship. And that's. We're not saying this because, like, you've done something wrong. I think we all have been scarred by these experiences, and then we are like, oh, well, someone told me I wasn't supposed to share like that. And so then in this relationship, your partner shares something, and you kind of pass that same message on, not thinking that you're hurting them, just thinking, oh, well, this is kind of like, what I learned is, like, okay, and not okay when it comes to sharing. I'm just sort of enforcing a boundary someone else enforced on me.

Yeah. So you may need to apologize to your partner for any harm that you've caused them, any hurt that you've caused them in the past. You know, we get DMs a lot from people saying things like, you know, oh, my partner finally opened up to me and shared this thing with me, and it really caught me off guard, and I, like, laughed in the moment. And I think a lot of us have the tendency to get kind of caught off guard or feel awkward or unsure how to handle other people's emotions. And so we can do things like cracking a joke or giggling or teasing our partner about it.

Yeah. Especially if we have been historically closed off. What tends to happen is that we repress. We repress, we repress. And then all of a sudden, sudden, something boils over and we share in a much more extreme or more volatile way. And so, of course, we catch someone off guard. So it's. It's way more likely you are caught off guard by something kind of big and major that your partner shares, and you are not ready for it, and you respond poorly.

Yeah. Maybe you, like, took it personally and made it about yourself. Maybe you shut down. Like, there's so many different things that can happen, and none of us are perfect. Like, we're all gonna have less than ideal reactions to our partners. But if partner has tried to open up to you in the past and you didn't handle it in the best way, it's never too late to go back and apologize for that and say, you know what? I'm just remembering that time that you were trying to share this with me, and I just did not respond to it in the way that I wanted to, and I'm really sorry. I want us to be able to talk about our thoughts and our feelings and our emotions. And I can understand that I hurt you and that I probably made you not want to open up to me again. So it's never too late to say something like that. I think think it can go a long way with your partner. Honestly, I think a lot of people may not even realize they've done this in the past. So I'm sort of thinking maybe our advice is to tell everybody. Like, even if you don't have a specific memory, it's still not a bad idea to apologize and say, I'm sorry if I haven't handled things the best in the past.

Or at least if not an apology, just an acknowledgement, hey, I acknowledge that this is something that's really hard, and I'm not sure how well. How well I've responded in the past. Past, and I'm starting to realize is really important, and I want to. I want to always be improving at. So just. I think just like, a baseline acknowledgement can be helpful.

Yeah. And this leads into our next tip, which is to take the lead. So I think sometimes we want our partner to go first and open up to us emotionally because we ourselves feel uncomfortable talking about our own emotions. It's like them opening up and sharing what's going on with them gives us that permission to do it ourselves. And so I totally understand that, but I think that especially if you're with a partner who historically has struggled to open up and share things with you, then it's likely that you're gonna need to go first to open yourself up, to be vulnerable, to share things and to, like, demonstrate to your partner, to be an example to them of this is what opening up looks like. And this is what I would love to experience from you too.

I think the key here, though, if you go first, first try not to have the expectation that your partner reciprocates in exactly the way that you just did. I think that a lot of people build this up of, like, okay, we're gonna open up, and so I'm gonna. I'm gonna share this, and then our partner hears it and maybe shares, like, a little something that feels a lot smaller than you, and you go, oh, my God, it's so unbalanced. Or, like, I need more from you, you know, I think it's important to just, you know, it's gonna be baby steps. And so, I mean, it's almost like, take. Take what you can get at the beginning and keep encouraging that, because the more that you validate your partner and encourage them and give them positive reinforcement, the more comfortable it's going to feel. Especially if your partner is the one that typically has been a little more closed off or plays it closer to the vest. You know, it's not just a, okay, we're going to have this one moment where we just share everything.

And it's not going to be a one for one either. Like, you're not going to, you know, know, share what's in your heart, and then your partner's immediately gonna think, like, oh, okay, now it's my turn to share. Like, it may take even a quite a long time of you initiating those conversations, sharing, you know, and for your partner to really start to feel safe and comfortable opening up. So I know that this can be challenging. I have been in this role many a time before, like, feeling so vulnerable and feeling like, okay, your turn, let's go. So I get it. And we also just have to recognize that we're different human beings and we're in different places in our journey, and it may take your partner longer to get there than you like, but be patient. Keep going.

First.

All right, let's get into some more nitty gritty, because I realize we're having some pretty big conversations about this. This is a big topic. So I want to get more nitty gritty with some really practical tips that you can do. First of all, we asked our Instagram audience to give us your most practical tips about getting your partner to open up. And I wanted to share, by far and away, the number one answer that came up. And we actually do not recommend this. But let me first just say, like, the tip was alcohol. So I would never recommend alcohol as a way to open up. Our goal is to help people feel comfortable doing this sober. And I think there can be a lot of problematic things that come up around using alcohol to open up emotional, open up sexually. So this is not our recommendation, but I did think that it was really interesting that so many people felt like this was their primary tool for helping their partner open up.

Yeah, I mean, I can totally understand why people gave this response. Alcohol is very effective at making you feel more uninhibited and sharing things. I think the flip side of that, though, in general, there's sort of this, like, socially accepted idea when we have consumed alcohol we say things that we sometimes don't mean. Yeah. You might have an experience where it's like, oh my God, we really opened up to each other. And like my partner said some stuff that, you know, felt really big and then you sober up and you never speak of it again.

Yeah.

Or, or you got too drunk to.

Even remember what your partner said.

Yeah. Or you find yourself wondering afterwards like, oh, huh. Like I wonder did they really mean that? But it doesn't really feel safe to ask. Or like your partner who shared a lot might feel really embarrassed the next day or the next week or whatever it is and be like, oh God, I think I shared too much. And so the benefits do not outweigh the costs. Like I would say they totally balance each other out. Or perhaps the costs are even, are, are even higher of like you might open up, but you're just making it harder to open up.

Without that, you get into a fight too. Like we in the early stages of our relationship, we had so many dumb arguments because we were drunk. Like that started off as us talking about something deep or meaningful, but we misunderstanding each other because we were drunk.

Yeah.

And like it caused. So we had so many fights where we would wake up the next morning and not even remember. Like what the fuck did we fight about?

Yeah, it was just like I feel like, I mean like physically I feel like shit. Emotionally, yeah, I feel like shit. And I don't know why. And that sucks.

So don't do this. But let's talk about some of the tips that we do recommend. A great one is to do some sort of activity. A lot of people, people feel more comfortable opening up if they're doing something physical. Like it could be some sort of hands on project that you're working on. Maybe it's going for a walk, getting outside, being in some nature, like that can really help. So some sort of activity. Another super practical tip is to try being side by side with your partner rather than face to face.

Interesting. So it doesn't feel like an interview.

Yes. I think, yeah, Being faced with, to face with somebody making eye contact, that's very vulnerable. It makes it harder to open up and to be really vulnerable in those kinds of situations. So again, a walk, you know, where you're side by side, going on a drive in the car where you're side by side, like those can be great times. And I think there even have been psychological studies that have shown that men in particular are much more likely to open up when they're doing a side by side activity.

Yeah. I mean, it's funny because I just of was thinking about like what being face to face reminds me of. And it's like getting in trouble at school, like, you know, your teacher talking to you, like sitting in the principal's office or a job interview. All these things that feel more high stakes. We just associate like that face to face interaction with this, this scary thing where it's like, oh, I need to perform, I need to be, I need to be like locked down, buttoned up. Up.

Yeah.

And yeah, yeah. Vanessa and I actually it's funny because we like, we eat dinner side to side. We don't sit facing each other. But then, yeah, when we go out to eat, we always, you know, are at a table where we're face to face and it's there. I kind of like being side to side.

Yeah.

But then it's like, it's awkward at restaurants being, oh yeah, we will have a side by side table, please.

All right, our next practical tip is to ask better questions. So a question like, how was your day? That is not gonna get anyone to open up, right?

Unless you have a history of it. You know, like if, I don't know, if you're, if you, Vanessa, are hanging out with your girlfriends or something and you're like, oh, hey, how was your day? You might have a track record of being really open with each other.

I think that's one of those questions where we just have such generic pre programmed responses like, oh, it's fine, how is yours? It's like, how are you? Good, how are you? I'm good, how are you? I'm good, how are you? Like we just go into the good spiral around it, you know, I think the reality is that when we get into long term relationships, we kind of lose some of our conversational skills. I think we ask much more interesting questions at the early stages of relationships. And as the years go on, it's like, how was your day? How are you? What do you want for dinner? You know, it's just like really boring, bland questions. And maybe if your partner had a terrible day, they might share some things with you. But in general, like, it's just, you know, you gotta get more creative and more interesting with your questions. It also can be useful to ask open ended questions instead of yes or no type of questions. Like you wanna encourage your partner to share a bit more. Okay, so let's say you've asked some better questions and your partner, they're starting to open up to you. Oh my God, it's happening. So our next Tip is to be an active listener. So this is an episode in an of itself, but it kind of ties back into what we were talking about earlier about making it safe. You want to encourage your partner to continue sharing. So active listening means don't interrupt your partner, don't jump in to share your own experiences.

And that can be really hard because you get excited like, oh my God, it's happening in your mind. You're like, oh, well, I want to encourage this by relating to them or, you know, or like interjecting with something. And it's like, no, just pump the brakes. Just shut up and listen.

Get curious about them. Like ask follow up questions, get them to share more information. Can you tell me more about that? Then what happened? What else were you feeling? You know, any sort of questions like that to just keep your partner going. And finally, don't judge them. Like, there's no faster way to shut your partner down from opening up than judging what it is that they're feeling. So the really important thing to recognize about opening up is sometimes your partner's gonna open up and share things that you don't love. You maybe didn't wanna hear you, you.

Would have done it differently.

Yeah, we can't put these boundaries on our partner. Only open up and share the things that I wanna hear. Like you might hear about something really difficult that your partner is struggling with. And so I think it's just so important to be an open listener and not to shut them down with like, well, think that. Or why didn't you do this? Or that's not how you should feel. You know, you don't want to cut your partner down, especially if they're somebody who historically has not opened up a lot and they're like just starting to get in the groove of doing that with you.

Yeah. Or if you have historically been very opinionated, you know, with your partner of like, oh, why did you do that? Why didn't you do this? Why didn't you say that? And that just creates an unsafe environment for your partner who goes, oh, well, whenever I share anything about what happened, my partner tells me I did it wrong. They told, you know, they told me.

They try to problem solve.

Yeah, they try to problem solve. They told me a different way that I should have done it. And so it's really easy for a dynamic to develop between two people where you're like, I don't really want to share what was going on in my decision making or what I was feeling, because whenever I do that, it seems like I just get nitpick.

Yeah. So just listen. Don't problem solve. Don't judge. Don't give your opinion. Just listen. That is the best way to get your partner to continue opening up.

Even if you're finding yourself disagreeing or really wanting to say something, maybe at the end, just be like, wow, that sounds like it was really challenging.

I would say, like, if you have something that you. Let's say you want to talk about it more or there's something that came out up for you, save that for a different conversation. Have this one conversation where your partner's opening up, you're sharing, tell them, like, thank you for sharing. I really appreciate that. Like, I love seeing the side of you. I'm so thankful that you opened up to me in the conversation. And then if there's something that you absolutely must loop back around to do it later or the next day, like, hey, I was just thinking about that conversation we had. I wanted to go back and, like, talk to you about this piece of it. But I think just letting the conversation end with the sharing, with the opening up is the best way to continue. Like. Like encouraging your partner to continue opening up to you in the future.

Yeah. If you do have something you want to loop back to or, you know, an observation you want to make or something, what can be really helpful is like Vanessa said, it's like, oh, I've been thinking about when we were talking when you were sharing this, and I'm curious if you're open to any feedback, asking a question before you jump in, because the person might be like, no, I'm not. Like, I'm not up for that right now. I don't want that. And you have to be okay with that. But if they are, then you can be like, okay, Yeah. I was one wondering, what if you had said this or what if this had happened? Or did you consider this? And that way, it's like, you've made it safe to give that feedback by asking, are you open to some feedback or are you open to some consistent.

Yeah. And then we also just want to encourage you to give your partner so much praise and positive feedback. I think so often in relationships, we get stuck in just making complaints and like, why don't you do this? And I want you to do this more often. It can feel very negative. But if you can give your partner a lot of praise in the times that they do open up like that, positive reinforcement is just so much stronger than negative reinforcement. So even if your partner just shared, like, one word about their emotions, thank them Tell them how much you appreciate it. Tell them the impact that it has on you. Tie it back around to, like, that. Why for you, of, like, why is it so important to you to have your partner open up and share things with you? Just heap that praise on them and they will want to keep sharing with you.

Yeah. And I also just want to validate the fact that that might feel totally over the top to you. That might feel like, oh, my God, like, they're giving me scraps of emotion, and I have to validate them now. I have to praise them. And just to quickly reframe that. If you think about, like, you know, your partner has likely been through a lifetime of experiences that have reinforced to them that sharing is unsafe, that, you know, if your partner's a man, that men are not supposed to. To have feelings like this. Men are supposed to have it together. They're supposed to be action oriented, not, like, feelings first. And so it might feel to you like this is an undue amount of praise, but, like, you are trying to combat, like, a lifetime of negative experiences, lifetime of socialization. And so it's gonna take time. It's not gonna happen in a day. It's not gonna happen in a week. It's a constant thing throughout your relationship of showing your partner it's safe, of praising them, of, you know, showing them that. That. That another way is possible. All right, so let's get into some listener questions, then. First one is, my partner thinks being vulnerable is weak and not manly. How do I get past this mindset?

Yeah, I mean, this is something we've been talking about all throughout the episode. Right. So I think my first piece of advice would be to get curious and ask your partner some questions about this. So obviously our perspective is that being vulnerable is actually quite a strength and can be very masculine. But I think before you, like, jump to that, get curious with your partner and say, yeah, what was the history around that for you? What did your parents teach you about that? Where else did you get this message? So try to get them talking just about what they learned about masculinity and vulnerability in the first place. Then I think a really interesting question to ask them is, do you think this serves you?

You. Yeah.

You think this helps your life, or.

Did it serve the examples or the role models that you have of that behavior? I think that may be an even more relevant question. I think, you know, I can't think of many examples of, like, the strong, silent type man who's really been particularly successful at it, who, you know, hasn't been divorced, who, you know, has, you know, a good positive life. I think that often, oftentimes we see these examples, but the people living that example are not particularly successful at it. They have a lot of challenges that they confront as a result of that mindset.

Yeah. So then I would go through the tips that we laid out in this episode around sharing with your partner, like why this is important to you, why it's meaningful, and, you know, what it feels like. And I would really just recommend trying to be patient and let your partner take babies steps in this. Like, if this is a man who's had a lifetime of being taught real men don't cry, this is going to take some time to unravel and it's really going to take you giving lots of positive reinforcement and praise and, you know, affirmations around that to help your partner, like, slowly unravel this really challenging dynamic.

Yeah. And I think it's also important, you know, for you as the partner of someone who feels like being vulnerable is weak or not manly, it's important for you to think about how important is it for you in your relationship that your partner is emotionally connected, is open, is willing to share stuff for you, because, you know, eventually you might need to start some tough love honestly, of like, for me to feel comfortable in a relationship, I need X, Y and Z in terms of emotional competence or I need to be able to feel these certain ways. And for me to feel these certain ways, I do need you to be sharing with me about this or with that or be honest about what's going on with you or whatever. We talked about that at the very beginning of the ways that your partner opening up makes you feel. I'm just trying to tie that back to them. Like, for this to work in the long term, I need to be able to feel this and for me to be able to feel this, like, I need X, Y and Z from you. All right, next question. Question is how to approach someone who gets immediately defensive and assumes they're being judged.

Yes. So this question is why we recommend all those active listening techniques of asking questions, being curious, not sharing your own experience. Because it is very easy for us to feel like we're being judged when we're sharing something that feels very vulnerable for us. And so if you're jumping into any sort of, sort of like problem solving or advice or sharing your own stuff, like, it's likely going to evoke some defensiveness in your partner. So instead tap into that curiosity. Oh, tell me more about that. Can you explain that more to me. That's going to be much more beneficial if you keep your partner talking about themselves and their own experience. That's going to be helpful. Another thing that you can do is, like, separate from any sort of conversation where your partner is divulging something, it's to ask your partner, partner, like, how can I be a good listener to you? And you can give your partner that praise. Like, I notice that you're sharing things with me more often. I really appreciate that. This is exactly what I want, and I want to make sure that in the moment, I honor the vulnerability that you're showing me. And, like, I'm a good teammate to you. So what kind of responses do you want me to have or not have in those moments?

Another thing, and you might have to. To dig a little deep here, but is there a judgy dynamic in other areas of your relationship? I think that oftentimes, you know, it might be that your partner does feel uncomfortable because they do feel judged in other areas of their relationship. You know, whether that's sort of with, like, how they deal with household responsibilities or how they deal with the kids. And I think for, you know, for someone who is not very emotionally in tune, it can be hard to separate. My partner kind of like, nitpicked the way that I did the dishes or something, and then I'm starting to share about my feelings, and I'm worried that they're going to do the same thing. And so we're not saying like, oh, you can't ever do that. But I think it's just important to try to have that acknowledgement of, like, hey, you know, I acknowledge that I have been a little judgy in this area, and I'm starting to realize that that might contribute to you feeling like you need to be a little more closed off because you don't want to open yourself up to that. And it's way more important to me that we're able to share these big things with each other. So, you know, I want to apologize for that. I want to work on doing that a little differently. And then the final piece I was going to say is it may not have anything to do with you. It may be sort of trauma from a past relationship. And so that might be something to dig in. You're not dig into, but like, to just open up a conversation of, like, have you had a really negative experiences in the past of sharing something and being judged and what was that like? And just have some empathy for them. And in that case, if there really was a truly traumatic experience in the past, like, your partner may need to go talk to a therapist to get through that, because it's not like you can't help them through that necessarily. You can do your best to show up in the right way for them, but you can't be their therapist and solve that problem. Problem. All right, final question. What if my partner is so disconnected they don't even know what they're feeling to open up?

Well, you just said therapy a second ago. Therapy is going to be the answer to this one. I know that that's probably an answer that people don't want to hear, so I can give a couple of practical tips, too. But I just want to be super clear that, like, you know, opening up, knowing what your emotions are, this is a skill, and we don't really get the opportunity to learn it in many places in life. But therapy can be such a great container for this. But practically a few things that you can do. Ask your partner about their thoughts. So if you ask somebody like, what are you thinking about this? They're more likely to share something with you than if you ask questions about their feelings. So you can start with thoughts. And you'll probably notice that when people start talking about their thoughts, they actually do share a lot of feeling words. But it's the, you know, approaching it from. From this mental standpoint that makes a lot of us feel more comfortable. Another thing that you can do is print out a good old feelings wheel and put it on your refrigerator.

It seems so cheesy, but the feelings wheel seriously can't say enough good things about it. It is very effective. Often our brains just need to be jogged a little bit of like, oh, here are some options. Here are a lot of options. And the feeling wheel lets you kind of hone in on the options, too.

So if you've never seen a feelings wheel, there are a ton of different varieties of it. But the basic idea is that it's showing you different feelings. So it's divided up into, like, kind of core emotions, and then it branches off and shares tons and tons and tons of other, more specific feelings. So it's really helpful in the moment. If you're, like, feeling something and you don't know what it is, start off in one of the bigger categories, and then you kind of look at the more nuanced emotions. So it just gives you names to feelings. But it can be really beneficial at just developing more of that familiarity and getting a of sense. Sense of what the heck is it that I am feeling in the first place. And a final thing that I'll say about this is you can also talk about that disconnection. So talk with your partner about, like, what's it like for you to not really know what you're feeling or to not know how to open up? What comes up for you? What are your thoughts about that? So, you know, it's kind of meta there, but it can be an interesting conversation to get your partner started. All right, well, that is it for us today. All about opening up. We hope we've given you some good tips, some motivation. Play this episode for your partner, too. That can be another great tip as well. Get them in a car ride, turn this episode on, and then ask them.

What they think about the things that we're saying.

Another thing that you can do is come on over to Instagram and follow us at vanessamarin Therapy, if you're not already. We do stories every day. We give you different topics to talk about conversation openers. Especially if you have a male partner who's gotten a lot of BS about emotions and relationships, telling them that I'm a sex therapist and we talk about sex all day, that can be an easier way to reel them in. And then, shocker, we talk about feelings all the time.

Wow. Bait and switch.

Yeah, a little bait and switch action.

Well, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week for a myth busting episode.

Oh, yeah. We are going to be busting up some of the biggest myths. It's going to be fun.