EPISODE 46: The Hygiene Episode: What To Do If Your Partner Isn’t Taking Care Of Themselves

For so many people, things that seem basic and simple are really not. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. This week's episode is about a topic that you have been begging us to talk about for a very long time, and that is hygiene. So we've been hearing from you that you're really struggling with your partner not taking good care of themselves, and it is affecting your attraction to your partner, your desire for. For them, your sex drive, the quality of the sex that you guys are having. And on the one hand, I understand this. I think we've all had experiences with this. Right. Noticing our partner not taking the greatest care of themselves. Maybe it's even just one day that they forgot to put on deodorant. Certainly been guilty of that plenty of times myself. Yep. You know, so we all have experiences with how our partner's hygiene can affect us. Right. It can also be really frustrating if you see that your partner is not doing things that seem really simple and really obvious to you, like brushing their teeth. But this topic is so much more complex than I think most of us give it credit for. And to be honest, you know, we've been hearing your request for us to talk about this topic for a very long time, and we have avoided talking about it because it just felt so much trickier than we felt prepared to deal with in the moment. Like, we just didn't have the right words to explain what we wanted to share with you.

Yeah, I mean, it's. It's a highly nuanced topic. There's a lot of different things that can be going on. I think hygiene or taking care of yourself is kind of a buzzword that can be thrown around for a lot of different issues, a lot of separate issues, a lot of interconnected issues. And so, yeah, I mean, it's certainly way too hard to cover in, like, an Instagram story or even, like, a YouTube video, necessarily. There's a lot of like, well, it could be this, but then what if that and what if that and we need to approach it this way or that way? So it's challenging, but we're tackling it today.

We are. We have taken the time to decide what do we wanna say? How do we wanna say it? So today we're gonna be breaking this down and talking about the most common reason for hygiene issues, why you may not actually be right about your hygiene requests, and how to talk to your partner about hygiene habits. That might be a turnoff for you.

All right, so before we get into the meat of this episode, we first wanna get into our review of the week. Per usual. I laugh, I cry, I feel it all.

Oh, I love it.

It's a great title. Yes, thank you. I. I like people who pay attention to the title. Some people are just like cool podcasts.

This is like a memoir, isn't it? I laugh, I cry, I feel it all. The Xander Marin story.

Oh, thanks. All right, so let's get into the body of this here. All right.

The meat of it.

The meat of it. Like I just said already, I literally have no idea how I found your podcast, but I'm so glad I did. Well, I have no ide idea how you found it either. I'm so happy to say I now listen and follow you guys religiously. Your topics always hit at the right time. Compatibility, dirty talk, connection fighting, fantasies, self love, positions, locations. The list goes on. I wonder if hygiene is on the list. Yeah, is what people or me at least want to know. I laugh out loud at least once every episode and feel like you are my people. Your mission to normalize sex talk is happening. Kudos to you. So grateful to have found you and your podcast. Keep it up. And is that like a monkey or a lemur?

A lemur. Just a monkey.

It's a monkey. Okay, there's a monkey. There's a champagne bottle pop in. There's the hallelujah touchdown hands emoji. Touchdown hands, finger pointing up. What is this? Like, it's like, what is Small penis emoji. Wow. It's like a pinch. A pinch or slash. Maybe like a 1 inch fingers showing 1 inch. I don't know. And then a purple devil face. I don't understand these purple devil faces. I'm just going to be honest. Like, like, why is it purple? Where did this come? Like, why are there all of these weird purple devil emojis? I don't like it. I'm just going to come.

Never sounded older in your life. The kids these days, and they're purple devil emojis. Get off my lawn.

I just. I just don't relate with being a.

Purple Devil, you got educated about an emoji that you were really confused about a few weeks ago. Do you remember?

I did. Oh, yeah, it was the one. It looks kind of like a sigh.

But apparently making, like, a puff of it.

What I've been. Yeah, What I've been told now is that. What was it like? Dang, it. So good.

Dang, that feels good.

Dang, that feels good.

Little puff of air with, like, a kind of worried face emoji. Like, so if that feels good, you're.

Worried, like, oh, I was so worried. But actually, that feels good.

You know, you've had that experience, like, ooh, wow, that was good. You kind of, like, crinkle your brow a little bit.

Yeah, I mean, I hear you. I'm just still not sure that it hits home with me. But anyway, thank you so much for this review. That. That was truly excellent.

It was. That was an excellent review. And I really appreciate that you said you have no idea how you found our podcast. Because that is what I try to tell the people every week. Your reviews genuinely make a big difference, because when you leave reviews for us, we show up more, like, in the algorithm. Apple and Spotify will, like, actually display the podcast, so get the opportunity to stumble over it rather than, like, they've been following us for years on Instagram.

And I think if someone stumbled upon a podcast and this review was featured, I would be like, damn, that sounds like a pretty good podcast. I better listen.

So if you haven't heard us talk about this before, we do a podcast review giveaway. Every week, you submit a review for the podcast on Apple Podcasts, and you are entered every week. Going forward, if you're the winner, you can DM us over on Instagram, ask us a question, tell us about your situation, and we will respond with a mini personalized coaching session. Thank you so much in advance for leaving reviews. They really mean the world to us.

Yes.

All right, so let's get into the meat of it. As you said, the first thing we did, as always, is we asked our Instagram community some questions about this. So we asked, do you find yourself being less attracted to your partner because of their hygiene habits? 47% of people said yes. Roughly half of all people are feeling affected by their partner's hygiene habits, which is a pretty enormous number if you think about it. I mean, that means basically, in every relationship.

Yeah.

At least one partner is worrying about their partner's hygiene habits.

Yeah. I mean, do you think that it's like, 47% of people are saying, like, right, Now I am feeling this or that. It's sort of like I either am struggling with this or like I've struggled with this at some point in time.

That's a good question. We could have framed it a little bit more specifically. I don't know. I mean, yeah, if it was 47% percent right now, that's pretty wild.

So then, of course, we also asked, what are the hygiene things that you are struggling with? Here are the most common complaints that we heard. Number one, far and away, was oral health and breath. 75% or more.

This is a big one.

Of the answers were, you know, in the oral health and breath subject.

And we have dealt with this ourselves. If you go back to episode seven, the how to Kiss one, we tell a very personal and raw and embarrassing story of how this came up for us.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. All right, so the next one was regularly not showering or bathing, especially after a physically demanding job or going to the gym. Similar to that body odor was another big one. Toenails. We got so many stories about people getting cut by their partner's toenails in bed.

We've had that experience.

So I don't think I've ever cut you, but I.

Not a cut.

I've heard some complaints about my claws.

You can get claws sometimes?

Yes, I do. Yeah. Toenails are tough. It's like you don't notice that they're long until your toenail catches on. One day, you look down and you're like, oh, my God. How did this. How did this happen? All right. Not washing hands after using the bathroom beard or facial hair care, we get.

Almost daily dms from people asking, Vanessa, how do you deal with Xander's beard?

That's a good question. That's a good question. I mean, you love it, but I can totally understand. I feel like it would be just as likely that you wouldn't love it. It could be challenging.

Lots of people.

I definitely have a beard care routine, for sure, but if I didn't do that, it would also be really annoying for me as well. Like, I wouldn't want it either. And then finally, not changing clothes and especially underwear daily.

Now, as we were looking through these responses, one thing that really popped out to us is that there was a lot of cruelty and shaming going on. I just want to be clear. Like, I think we have an amazing. You guys are so wonderful. You know, we love hearing from you. But it did shock me to see how much cruelty was in these responses about your partner. You know, it totally is one thing to be affected by your partner's hygiene. But there were a lot of really callous comments that we kept seeing. Like, my partner's so disgusting. He's such a gross slob. They never do this, you know, Ew, this is so gross. My partner's nasty. And it just, like, it was hard to. To see that. And I know that that's coming from a place of somebody being fed up. Maybe this has been going on for a long time. Really extreme. I understand that, but I think it's really important for us to be careful with our words, even when we're just describing it to other people. Again, we're really going to get into this in this episode, but I. It just struck both of us that people were presenting it again. It's this very simple issue of, like, just take a shower. Just brush your teeth. And I know it can seem super obvious sometimes, but the truth is that it's not.

Clearly, as evidenced by the fact that their partner specifically isn't just flipping a switch and changing their behavior. And furthermore, as evidenced by the fact that 47% of people said that they have experience with their partner doing something that they don't like from a hygiene perspective. So it's. Obviously, it's a widespread thing. It's not a simple matter.

So let's talk about what makes this so much more complicated than just picking up a damn toothbrush. First thing is that hygiene, in many ways, is a social construct. Different cultures all have different ideas of what hygiene means.

Or, like, good hygiene.

Yeah, exactly. There's not some universal definition or some objective truth. Here's exactly what you must do to have good hygiene. Right. Like, it's totally different from culture to culture.

Yeah. I mean, and at the end of the day, like, the human can survive in some pretty harsh circumstances with some pretty poor hygiene. Like, if you kind of roll time back a bit. And before, you know, we were living in houses and stuff. And think about the type of hygiene that people had. Like, we had no idea what a toothbrush was. It was no such thing as toothpaste. There weren't showers that magically bathed us. We can survive in some pretty extreme environments. And, yeah, maybe those hygiene choices may kill us over time, you know, like, if you never brush your teeth, you're gonna get cavities. You're gonna, you know, gonna have some problems. But, like, the reality is, it's not the simple thing of, in order for us to survive, we have to have these things. Like, people survive in extreme environments all the time.

So I'll Give you one example. Like, a woman reached out to us. She and her partner each come from different cultures, and she said her partner comes from a culture where vulvas are seen as unclean. So he would make her scrub herself clean before they had sex. You can guess if you followed us for more than five minutes which side we're gonna come down on on this one. But I do think it's really important to recognize this man was raised in a culture where that was the message that he was constantly given. So, like, of course, it's totally understandable that he has this belief she should do this every time they have sex. But she's like, hey, like, my vulva is not unclean. It's not some terrible thing. Like, I don't want to be scrubbing myself down just so we can be intimate. Can you see? Like, it's just so easy for when you're coming from different cultures to have very different understandings of what the expectations, what the norms are. Another wrinkle in this whole thing is that hygiene isn't as widely taught as most of us think. A lot of us have this idea of, like, oh, yeah, this is obvious. Brush your teeth, take your shower, put on the deodorant. But it really varies based on how you were raised. Again, it can be a cultural thing. Yeah, it can be a cultural thing. You know, there can be a lot of socioeconomic situations that feed into this. The opportunity to put practice good hygiene or to learn good hygiene may not have been available to your partner.

Yeah, I mean, like, if I think about this for myself, I learned pretty much all of this stuff. I was modeled this behavior from my mom and my dad. Like, I mean, I have memories of being like a very young child and, like, taking showers with my parents where they were, like, bathing me and says, like, I learned this is how you wash yourself because I did it with them. They showed me how to do it, how to brush my teeth. They, you know, reminded me over and over and to floss my teeth. It took me a really long time to actually internalize that one, and I am suffering the consequences. But, you know, like, I have memories of them showing me those things. And if I think about, like, what if I were in a single parent household and that parent may have been working, like, double shifts and didn't to be able to support us, and they weren't around, Like, I probably wouldn't have had those same experiences. Like, I don't know, there would have been time to, like, put me in the bath and, like, show Me how to do things. Or maybe one or both of your parents was struggling with a mental health issue and just wasn't able to teach you about hygiene or.

Or even a physical health issue, too. Yeah. And I mean, going back to socioeconomic stuff, like, maybe your partner was homeless for a period of time, maybe hot water wasn't consistently available to them.

Oh, yeah. I mean, I would not have developed a habit of, like, enjoying showering every day if I was having to take cold showers in, like, a cold climate. That would have been really challenging.

Yeah. So I think it's really important for us to pay attention to these kinds of issues, because for so many people, things that seem basic and simple are really not. You know, it can be a classist thing to harp on somebody for not having good hygiene if they were never given the opportunity, even as a little kid, to learn those behaviors. Right. And then the final wrinkle that we want to discuss is there really isn't an objective truth to hygiene. And I think this is one of the big problems that come up when we're like, just take a shower. A lot of us have these ideas of what hygiene should be, but actually, a lot of us are taught to be more hygienic than we really should be. So showers are a good example.

Unhealthily hygienic.

Yeah. Like, a lot of people take daily showers, and there's been a lot of research coming out showing that it's actually not good to wash your skin or wash your hair every single day. Like, you're stripping, dripping your skin. You know, there are definitely some people who brush their teeth four, five, six times a day. And it's like you can be causing gum damage if you're scrubbing at them that often.

Oh, yeah. Especially like brushing your teeth immediately after eating that actually, you're, like, brushing particles in your teeth that can be damaging to your teeth themselves.

Yeah. So hygiene is so much more complex than a lot of us are giving it credit for. I mean, the vulva cleaning example is a good one as well. Like, a lot of women are taught our bodies are sinful. Sinful, or even that they're just, like, gross and icky and need to be cleaned. Yeah. And so a lot of us are cleaning our vulvas every day. A lot of us are using soap, which, if you are using soap, you absolutely must stop because you're disrupting your body's natural ph, and you're actually likely to lead to irritation and infection and, ironically, odor. So it's like, you know, again, another Thing here. Like, you might think, oh, yeah, my vulva. I need to wash it. It's part of my body. But no, actually, if you're using soap, you're causing more damage.

Yeah, that's like an internal part of your body. We don't, like, swallow soap that is not good for us.

Of course, there are certain guidelines that our culture may teach us, but those guidelines are always changing. The bottom line is, like, there just is no objective truth about what we should all be doing.

Oh, yeah. And especially, like, if something is good, that doesn't mean that more and more and more and more of it is better. There are diminishing returns, and oftentimes, like, doing something that is good, too much can actually be bad.

So I think that if you are finding yourself really bothered by your partner's hygiene habits, before you take any sort of action to talk to them about it or try to get them to change their behaviors first, you need to check in with yourself and get a sense of, where are these feelings coming from? Am I carrying around a lot of sexual shame? Do I have misinformation? Am I acting like my perspective is the right one? Am I considering my partner's culture or their upbringing, their socioeconomic status?

Yeah. Or even, like, are any of my own hygiene habits possibly over the top or problematic? Like, you know, I think we hear from a lot of people that, you know, maybe have anxieties about cleanliness and take multiple showers a day or brush their teeth after every single meal and then go, oh, you know, like, it's so gross that my partner doesn't do that without kind of looking back and being like, oh, you know, actually, I am maybe a little more out of the ordinary. It may not be reasonable for me to expect that from my partner. And perhaps I might want to look at what is going on for me and see if maybe there's a way for me to bring myself back to the norm a little more.

So let's talk about the most common reason for bad hygiene, because I think this is yet another incredibly important detail that most of us skip over. The most common reason is mental health issues. We asked our Instagram audience if their mental health struggles have ever gotten in the way of their hygiene, and 63% of people said yes. So, you know, it might seem really easy to just take a shower. How hard could that be? It takes five minutes. But if you are struggling with depression or anxiety or any other mental health issue, that can feel like an enormous task, even downright impossible to do at times. You know, we had so many people in our community share stories with us of how challenging this could feel for them. One person told us, I suffer from depression, OCD and anxiety. So some days I can't even handle a shower or brushing my teeth. I'm a stay at home mom, so I don't go anywhere, but it's still a huge struggle some days. My husband has had to make me go shower before because I was struggling just to get off the couch for days at a time. Another woman wrote to us, postpartum depression was huge after my first daughter and I just wouldn't do anything. All I wanted to do was lay in bed. Showering sounded like the most daunting task in the entire world because I would be seeing myself naked, my body looked completely different after having the baby, and I was extra self conscious about stretch marks, weight gain, etc. I didn't want to see myself naked and I sure as hell didn't want my husband to see me either. I showered once a week for a few months to try to avoid it as much as possible. I mean, those are just two of the stories we got. We got hundreds of people sharing, like, I understand that this seems so easy to do, but when my mental health is struggling, it is an enormous, enormous task and I do want to like particularly call out. Postpartum depression was the biggest theme that we saw too, of a lot of people who'd never struggled with mental health issues before. And then all of a sudden it was like, this is supposed to be the happiest time in my life, but I can't even get off the sofa for days at a time.

Yeah, I mean, I think that unfortunately that isn't really talked about enough out in the world. It's not something that, that a lot of, you know, expecting mothers and families are really prepared for in terms of what can happen afterward. And then, you know, it happens. And then there is the double whammy of like, I'm feeling depressed. And I also feel like I can't let people know I'm depressed because I'm supposed to be so happy and overjoyed to have this child.

Absolutely. Another big dynamic that comes up around hygiene is fear. Like Xander was saying at the beginning of the episode, the vast majority of our responses were about dental issues. And there is so much fear around dental stuff. I mean, you can speak to this, you've experienced it yourself, right? Like a lot of fear that makes it hard to get regular dental care.

I guess mine is in a way sort of self inflicted. Like I just didn't have the greatest dental hygiene habits. I didn't have horrible ones. But, you know, I brushed. I brushed my teeth probably once a day for a really long time. And I. I didn't floss my teeth. And then I started having all kinds of dental problems and, like, gum recession and cavities, and I started having a lot of oral pain because of, you know, those cavities and having to have a number of dental procedures and some gum procedures that made me fear the dentist. Like, I just associated going to the dentist with feeling pain or with having a cleaning that was supposed to be good for me. And then, like, two weeks later, I'm in horrible pain because they've uncovered all. All these areas that are now super sensitive. And so, yeah, for me, it could just feel like, oh, my God, like, right now I'm not in pain, so the last thing I want to do is go to the dentist where they might tell me something that I don't want to hear or they might cause me to start feeling pain. And so it was really hard for me to get into a good habit of actually going to the dentist regularly, because after you stop going regularly, then you're like, well, oh, okay, well, like, things are manageable right now, so I'm just gonna, like, forget about the dentist. And as long as things stay manageable, I'm gonna bury my head in the sand and hope for the best.

Yeah, I think that comes up for so many people definitely around dental stuff, but also around other health things. You know, that's just. We don't wanna know what is actually going on. So people won't go into the doctor.

Or do the work associated with, like, what might. What we might need to do to address that problem.

Yeah. And it's just because they're really, really scared. And one final thing that I just want to quickly point out is also that genetics plays a huge role in it. This was something that came up for me around teeth again, too. Like, there are some people who don't take very good care of their teeth. And they have great teeth.

Yeah, not me, sadly.

You know, and there are people who can shower once a week and they smell great and fine.

Right. So it's like, Absolutely. Yeah. I was gonna say I actually dated someone in college who. Who. She was super upfront with me. She. Once we started getting serious, she was like, hey, I. I have something that I feel like I need to share with you. And it's like, I don't really like taking showers. I don't take showers very often. And yeah, I found myself kind of like, on the one hand being like, huh, should I be worried about this? Like, this seems like I should be worried about it. But then the reality was I don't know what her deal was. Like, her genetics, possibly. Like, if she hadn't told me, I would have never. Pronoun.

Okay, so we are going to get into how to proceed if your partner's hygiene habits are causing you to react negatively. But we want to address one other thing first before we get to that. When we polled our Instagram audience, a lot of people also mentioned weight gain, saying that their partner had gained a lot of weight and that they weren't feeling as attracted to their partner anymore. I want to point out, like, this is not a hygiene issue. Weight is not a hygiene issue. But we did want to talk about it because it stirred up a lot of, like, thoughts and emotions for both of us.

Yeah, I think, I mean, I think a lot of people put this under the category of taking care of yourself, which also contains stuff like hygiene. Like kind of a buzzword you hear is like, oh, it feels like they're not taking good care of themselves, or I worry my partner's not taking good care of themselves. And, and that can be hygiene stuff. And that can also be kind of a way that we mask our issues around weight.

Yeah, and this is a really thorny issue too. I mean, this, this deserves its own episode in and of itself. But it came up so much that we wanted to mention it here. So there definitely can be, you know, somebody can be experiencing weight gain because of mental health issues or self esteem issues. Like, it can be because they genuinely are not taking care of themselves. But I think it's also really important for us to recognize that, that in our society, we have been taught to be fat phobic. We've been taught to be afraid of fat. We equate thinness with health. We think of gaining weight as being unhealthy or a bad thing. I mean, this is no surprise to anybody, right? Like, the diet industry is a multi billion dollar industry because we are all so afraid of being fat and gaining weight. And we've been really socially conditioned to think that taking care of yourself means that you will be thin and being fat means that you are not taking care of your yourself. But this. Honestly, it is.

Yeah, it is not a black or white cut and dry issue.

It's not. But weight has absolutely not been tied to health. There have been so many studies debunking that thinness and weight loss are like the keys to health. Like, you truly can be healthy at any size. And Xander and I both deeply believe that as well.

Yeah, I mean, I can speak from my own experience. When I was a kid, I was super, super, super unhealthy skinny. Like, I looked like, emaciated. I struggled to eat as a kid, and I was definitely not more healthy as a result of that. Like, I was skinny, I barely weighed anything, but I was not healthy.

Yeah. So again, it's like, if you see your partner really struggling with their mental health and making decisions, you know, they know in the moment I'm not taking care of myself. I can't get myself to eat nourishing foods. I can't get myself to move my body in a loving way. That's a conversation that you can have with them. And the tips that we'll talk about in the next section can help. But. But the bottom line is that like, weight gain in and of itself is not a sign that somebody is not taking care of themselves.

Yeah. And weight loss is not a sign that you are taking good care of yourself necessarily either.

So if you are finding yourself not being attracted to your partner because of their weight gain, the first step that you need to take is examine yourself. Because we all have that internalized fat phobia. There is no way to grow up in our culture getting these constant messages. There's no way to grow up not being fat phobic. So you need to take that time to examine that within yourself and to really call out that BS that we've all been taught. And then, then at that point to really take a look at like, okay, is this actually something that's coming up for my partner that's related to their mental health or their self esteem? Or is this honestly just my shit that I need to deal with? Because your partner does not owe you a specific size. They do not owe you their body looking a certain way. You owe your partner love for them in whatever form they're taking.

Yeah.

Okay, so let's move on to how to proceed if you do want to talk to your partner about their hygiene habits. So you've gone through all the steps that we've talked about, you've examined your own shit, and there really is something that you want to talk about with your partner and that you think, think could make a significant difference. So the first tip that we have is to compliment them when they do things you like.

Yeah.

Focus on the positive, on the things that they're doing well instead of complaining. I mean, the bottom line is Positive reinforcement, it's always going to be more effective than negative reinforcement.

Yeah, it's funny hearing you say that. It actually gave me this memory that I think that I actually did start brushing my teeth twice a day, probably right around when we started dating. And I do remember that I've been thinking about that. I do remember that very early at the very beginning of our relationship when we would sleep over with each other, you know, we would be like, oh, like, let's get minty fresh so we can kiss in the morning. And I like, I still really remember that being like, you know, after brushing, like, ah, like, smells good. And I think that that actually kind of was a cue to me of like, oh, yeah, I should be doing this, this twice a day, every single morning, without fail. And, you know, all it took was a short amount of time to develop that habit. But, you know, I couldn't tell you why I didn't have that habit before. I was just lazy. It wasn't something I thought of. Like, I don't know, it just, it wasn't something that came to mind. But, you know, having that encouragement from you, I think really went a long way. So thank you.

I'm glad you mentioned that because I had filed that away in the back of my head to ask you about that because when you said, like, I only brush my teeth once a day, I was like, like, when was that? Cause I don't ever remember that. So I'm glad that my positive compliments about your minty fresh breath and how it made me wanna kiss you.

Yeah, see, it works, guys.

It also makes me think of another tip that we didn't originally think of, which is that, like, could you make it into a fun ritual that the two of you do together? Like, oh, we're having teeth brushy time, or you're showering together, whatever it is, that. That can just kind of be that cue to your partner to get in the habit of doing something.

Oh yeah.

Now if you do suspect that your partner is with some sort of mental health issues, regardless of the, you know, the intensity of it, I think it can be really beneficial to phrase things in terms of self care. So the first time you check in with your partner, it could be saying something really simple like, hey, I just want to check in with you. Like, how are you doing? How's your mental health? Especially if mental health has been a topic of conversation between the two of you before, like, you are familiar with your partner's struggles and their ups and downs, like just checking in with them first. And giving them the opportunity to say, yeah, I'm not taking care of myself like the way that I normally do or the way that I should be or I want to be.

And hey, even better, you can make this a ritual. Like you can check in about how is both of our mental health like every month or something like that. Like, just, just make that a regular check in. Make this space for your partner to be allowed to feel something other than good.

Yeah. Another thing that you can do is when your partner is in a good mental health place place, ask them when you are struggling, when you're having a down period of time, like, what are some of the signs that I can look for? Like, a lot of people when we asked them to share their mental health struggles, they said, oh, my cue to myself, like, the first way I even noticed that I'm going into a bad period is because washing my hair seems so hard or brushing my teeth feels impossible. So a lot of people use that for themselves as the, like, oh, I gotta call my psychiatrist or I need to, you know, check in with my doctor or whatever it is.

Yeah. Because I think that a the time, what happens is when you're feeling good, great, like, that's good. But then when things start to go downhill, it's easy for us to miss the signs. Like we don't want to acknowledge to ourselves, hey, I'm feeling depressed. And I think oftentimes we can kind of dilute ourselves a bit until it's really, really bad what is going on. And so I think, you know, when your partner is in a good place, it's good to talk about what are some of the signs. Because I think like, like neither of us want to get to that point where all of a sudden it gets really bad. But I think a lot of people recognize that it's hard for them to even notice the signs. Like, early on. It's like we notice once we get really deep in the hole, but not like as we're sliding down.

Yeah. And you can make an agreement with each other that, like, hey, we'll call things out, you know, gently and with love and compassion when we see our partner starting to slip up. So if you do see your partner starting to neglect some of their usual things, it could be saying something like, you know, hey, I've noticed that you're not taking care of your like you usually do. And I know we've talked about that in the past as something that can happen when your mental health is struggling. So I just want to check in with you and See how you're doing and how I can support you. So we had one woman reach out to us on Instagram, and she shared this story with us. When I was at my lowest point in depression, my husband would draw me a bath. Something simple but relaxing, with a candle, maybe a bath bomb. I think it was his way of helping me to get clean when I had come gone so long between showers. But it also showed me how much he cared for me to have time to myself and decompress. I also had times when I'd go to bed without washing my face or brushing my teeth. And my husband very kindly brought me my toothbrush with some toothpaste and a cup of water to rinse and spit. He also brought me a warm cloth to wash my face and some lotion. I never took offense to any of these gestures. I was just grateful that he was there for me and understood how hard of a time I was having taking care of, of myself.

Yeah, I think that's really powerful. And I think there's something really nice. It sounds like in this case, the husband recognized, like, it is really hard, maybe impossible for my partner to get out of bed right now. So rather than being like, yo, you gotta get out of bed, take a shower, wash your face, brush your teeth, it's like, I recognize that this might feel really, really hard. It might be too much just to walk to the bathroom. So I'm going to bring some things, things to you. I think where it can get challenging is we just go like, hey, I want you to do it in the way that you do it. I don't want to have to be responsible for you. Just go and do it. Rather than being like, yeah, like, I can honor the fact that it doesn't feel possible for you to get into the bathroom right now. So let me bring the bathroom to you.

So the bottom line is that you need to approach hygiene with so much more compassion than you may realize right now. We've said this before, we'll say it again. Like, I know it sounds really easy to just have good hygiene, just take that shower, just wash your hair. But there are a lot of reasons why it may not be easy for your partner and a lot of reasons why your request or your desire may not be the right one. So I hope that we've given you some tools to unpack this issue and realize that it's a lot more complex than it might seem and it's just deserving of really an infinite amount of compassion.

So if this episode was enlightening to you. You enjoyed it. You like learning about a little more of the nuance behind this. You were surprised by some of the stuff that you hadn't considered before. We would love to ask you a favor. Could you share this episode on Instagram? Because we really think this is a topic that deserves so much more understanding and just more people talking about it, more people understanding all the things that can be behind this. So it would just be so helpful to us. If you love this episode, share it on Instagram. Say it's just something like, I never realized there was so much to this topic. There's some really good, interesting stuff here that would make us so happy. Share this episode. Tag us. That would be so amazing.

All right, well, that is all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. And join us again next week when we talk about what it really means when a man can't perform.

Oh, we got some heavy hitters these days.

I know we do.

All right, see you next week.