EPISODE 48: How To Get Out Of (And Prevent) Dry Spells

And, you know, if you're uncomfortable talking about sex in general, talking about not having sex is going to feel even scarier. Hello, and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. I have a question for you.

Okay.

What is the opposite of a dry spell?

A wet something. I'm thinking spell. Like magic spells? Like, what's the opposite of a magic spell?

I don't think. There isn't no magic.

A wet. A wet fact.

Oh, my God. A wet fact.

Yes. A wet reality.

I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna be able to do today's episode. I'm dead.

You want a wet reality or a dry spell?

We were struggling to start this podcast episode. I was just like, I keep trying a couple of different ways to, like, ease us into this. And Sandra was, like, making fun of me and said, well, just tell a riddle.

What about a riddle?

I came up with that on the spot. And you came up with, did you have wet fact already prepared? Is that why me to do.

No, I mean, that's why I stumbled over my words so much. I was thinking maybe a riddle where the answer to the riddle is like a dry spell.

But that was. I didn't really think of a riddle. I was just like, okay, let's go with what's the opposite of a dry spell? So if you are still hanging with us, because that was maybe one of the weirdest intros we've done, but if you're still here, great. Thank you. We are talking today about dry spells.

I mean, we figured that we should maybe bring a little levity to it, because this can feel like a really serious subject, especially when you are in the midst of it. And we didn't want to give you, like, an overly clinical podcast episode about it.

Great.

Because that's no fun.

We want to give you the wet facts instead.

Yeah. Wet facts, baby. Yeah.

So if you have ever found yourself thinking, I can't remember the last time we had sex, then you are definitely going to want to pay close attention to this episode.

And if you never want to have to think that you're also going to want to pay close attention to this episode because we are also talking about prevention of dry spells.

So just pay close attention to the episode. I think that's the takeaway.

If you want a wet fact, pay attention, because who doesn't want that?

So here's a really interesting thing about dry spells. As always, we asked our Instagram audience if they have ever experienced a dry spell, and I think this is perhaps one of the highest percentages we've ever gotten back. 93% of people said that they have had a dry spell.

Interesting 3. I was just trying to think of, like, what other question could we ask where we would. Where we would know we would get more than 93% of people answering one way. I was like, do you have sex? Do you like sex? I was like, I don't know. Maybe. Maybe less than 90.

Have you ever had sex?

Have you ever had sex? I don't know. I don't know.

I never heard the word sex.

There we go. Now we're getting into the terror. So, I mean, I think that this just illustrates, though, how pervasive this is.

Yeah. I think a lot of people listening are going to be in dry spells right now.

Yeah.

So today we're really going to break this down. We're going to talk about what a dry spell is, what it means if you find yourself in a dry spell. And we are not going to leave you high and dry. We are going to give you five tips to combat dry spells, no matter your circumstance.

Yeah, we're going to leave you wet. No, but no, seriously, also, if you can think of a better word that is, like, the opposite of spell, I'm all ears. Because. Because I feel like, wet fact, wet reality. It doesn't quite work, but I just. I can't think of. I can't think of a word that's like.

I love that you're hanging on to that.

It just, you know, it doesn't feel right. I feel like I'm on to something here, but it's just not quite right. And I need your help. Help me out, please.

Okay. I always forget to do the review.

All right, so I'm not sure if we're gonna cut that out or not, but I. I always forget. I always forget about the review of the week, ironically, even though it is. It's your time to shine 1. It's my time to shine 2. In our little notes document, which has, like, our kind of outline for the podcast, there is a massive image of the review of the week. Like, the review of the week has been blown up so large it is covering my entire screen on my laptop right now.

And yet you forget it.

And yet I forget. However, we're gonna get into the review of the week before we get into dry spells, so this review of the week is obsessed. I am newer to your podcast and Instagram, let's just say I wish I'd found y' all sooner, but so thankful I found you now. You guys are hilarious. Real raw and honest, which I love. I have learned so much about not just myself, but my partner as well through all the awesome advice you guys give. My bedroom life is absolutely incredible now that I actually have one. Thanks for that heart. I also purchased a couple guides from you too. And let's just say mind blown in. She spelled it out. She did not do emojis for mind blown. You guys are amazing and love that you do this together. So we get the man and woman's perspective. So helpful. And if I could give a 10 star, I would, but we got five stars instead. So thank you. That's about as good as it gets.

Thank you so much for that review. Seriously. The reviews are the best way for the podcast to grow and they mean so much to us to read them and just see the impact that we are having on you. So we would greatly appreciate it if you could take a second to leave a review on Apple Podcasts. Or you can also leave a five star rating on Spotify. We do this giveaway as our way of saying thank you every week. Once you write a review on on Apple Podcasts, you are entered into the giveaway every week. Going forward, we pick one review to be our review of the week. And if you're the winner, you can DM us on Instagram anessamarintherapy. Ask us a question and we will give you a free mini personalized coaching session.

Yeah, I just did one the other day.

You did?

I did. It was great.

A long one. You gave a lot of advice to that one.

I did. I did. I gave it up on the first date I put out.

So if you want Xander to put out for you, leave us a review.

Hello.

And also, you know, if you want to include some emojis in there to try to stump him, he only had a red heart in this one. This was pretty easy for him.

You know, I think that I've been doing so well that people aren't like, oh, I'm gonna stump Xander now.

Like, oh, he's getting cocky about his emoji techniques now.

Yeah, yeah, I think I've impressed people, and they're like, all right, all right, I'll just stick with normal words.

Okay, well, how about this? Leave him a riddle. Put a riddle in your review, and we'll see if he can figure those out. Now that he's getting all cocky thinking he knows how to do all the emojis.

Yeah, please, please mess with me. I love it.

Very sexual today. All right, well, let's.

Well, you know, the one way to get out of a dry spell is to get sexual. So we're.

There we go. That's the end of the podcast. Thank you for listening. Just get sexual. See you next week.

Yeah. Hopefully this wasn't your first episode you're listening to. That's another favorite line of our. We have a weird intro, and then we always get DMs from people who are like, it was my first episode.

And I hated it. No, you guys are very nice when we get into our weird tangents. All right, so let's get into dry spells. So we are laughing a lot. I guess we're just. We're on one today. But the bottom line is that it can be really scary to get stuck in a dry spell, right?

It can be hard to laugh about it.

Oh, absolutely.

It can be impossible to laugh about it.

Obviously, we all have different sexual needs and interests, but I think for most of us, like, if we go this very long period of time without sex, not only are we feeling sexually frustrated, I would actually say that's maybe the least of the concerns. It's like, yeah, I want to have sex. I want to be intimate, but, like, I'm missing my partner. I feel disconnected. We're not talking about it. I'm not sure what's going on. Are they missing it? Are we on totally different pages? And for some people, you might even feel like, you know, I don't remember the last time we had sex, but, like, I really don't miss it. And, like, what does that mean?

Yeah. Like, are we even compatible? Is something wrong?

I think for some people, it can even get to some dark places for them of thinking, like, I mean, you mentioned sexual compatibility, but it could be like, you know, do we need to break up? Is my partner cheating? Like, a lot of stuff can get stirred up. Let's kind of take a step back and talk about what is a dry spell. We get this question a lot from people. They'll say, well, you know, how long does it have to be for it to count as a dry spell?

Well, the medical definition is. Just kidding. There is no medical definition. This is. This is not a hard and fast rule. I think that's the first thing we want to say.

Yeah, there is no set definition of it. So it really depends on the couple. So we've talked to some couples who have sex so frequently that going two weeks, even one week feels like a dry spell. For other couples, it feels like it's months, even a year or years that can feel like a dry spell. I mean, I would say, roughly, people would say maybe like, after about a month.

Yeah, I think something that's pretty far out of the norm for you. Let's say you're having sex every week on average, and then a couple of weeks go by that's, you know, out of the norm for you. But, you know, if you have sex once a month and that's that, and you're happy with that, then it might be a couple months for it to really feel like out of the norm. So, you know, this isn't a thing where it's like, oh, once you get to X number of days, all of a sudden you're in a dry spell and you're screwed.

Yeah, exactly. It really depends on the couple's typical frequency or their desired frequency. So obviously it's really relative. I think there's another layer of it too, here. Like, it's not just that you're not having sex, but there's this other piece around. It feels really hard to, like, get back in the saddle. Like, sometimes couples will go like, oh, boy, we didn't real. A lot of time passed. We were so busy, we were traveling, whatever. We were sick. Yeah, we gotta have sex again, you know, And I don't think a lot of couples would describe that as a dry spell necessarily. I think people use that label, dry spell when it feels like. It just feels really challenging to, like, break it to start having sex again.

Yeah, kind of like the normal stuff we do is not causing us to have sex the way that we normally have sex is not happening. Either it's not happening or we're not doing it or something like that.

It just feels more complicated. So we were curious to know how long people's dry spells were lasting, so we went over to Instagram and we asked, what is the longest dry spell you've ever experienced? We gave them four different categories. Under a month, 1 to 6 months, 6 to 11 months, and over a year. The most frequent response that we got with 43% of the vote was one to six months. So almost half of people have experienced a dry spell of one to six months.

Yeah. So about up to half a year.

Yeah. The next most common one was under a month at 25%. And then we had six to 11 months and over a year were like pretty close. 15 and 18%, respectively. We also got a lot of DMs from people saying that their dry spells were in the multi year category. I remember seeing the number eight, six years. I think there was even an 11 year as well. So there are definitely some long dry spells out there. The main point that we want to make today about dry spells is that they are normal.

Yeah.

So 93% of people have experienced them. Right. You are almost certainly going to have a dry spell at some point in your relationship if you haven't had one already. But we want to be really clear in saying that being in a dry spell or having a dry spell, it does not mean that your relationship is doomed or something is horribly wrong. We really wanted to do this episode today because I think there's a lot of shame surrounding dry spells.

Oh, yeah.

We don't want to acknowledge it. We don't want to talk about it. Not with our partner. Definitely not with, like, friends or family or anything like that.

And oftentimes we don't really want to take any action to do anything about it. We want it to solve itself.

Yeah. I think that layer of complication that I was mentioning earlier, and we think that this shame can really prevent couples from working their way back towards other. It's like the shame creates another layer that makes it feel so much more difficult to get out of it. So a huge part of making this episode was to try to take away the shame and the embarrassment of the dry spell, really normalize it and help you feel like, hey, it's okay to be in a dry spell. And we're going to give you some tips for getting out of it.

All right, so why do dry spells even have to happen in the first place? And look, this is just super basic. Like everything in life, things ebb and flow. And that is the same with your sex life. There's going to be seasons of life where you're busy, where things happen, where you're just not able to connect with each other as much as you'd like. And that has impacts in the bedroom, it has impacts outside the bedroom. That's just life.

Yeah. I think it's funny that there is so much shame surrounding dry spells because there is a laundry list of different dynamics that can lead to you having a dry spell in the first place. And these are all very Understandable things. So, like, we went over to our Instagram audience and we asked them, like, tell us what has contributed to you being in a dry spell? Like, why were you in that dry spell? By far and away, the number one reason was kids. And we're kind of grouping that into one category because there were a ton of different dynamics that fell into even that. So there was pregnancy. A lot of people mentioned, you know, that they had difficulty with fertility. So after this, like, TTC journey, you know, sex started to feel they weren't as interested in, like they had a dry spell once they actually did conceive.

That's probably its own podcast topic.

Oh, for sure. Childbirth. I mean, you're, you know, medically not supposed to have sex for, for most people, at least six weeks, and often.

It is much longer than that. And pretty much no doctor will tell you that they're just gonna give you, oh, six weeks. You're probably not gonna die if you do it after that, which is great. That's a. That's a real low bar.

A lot of people spoke to body changes, you know, making it hard to feel connected to themselves, to their desire to want to be intimate. After going through so many changes, miscarriages came up. So it, you know, feeling hard to bounce back and want to be intimate again after going through that trauma and that grief. Also, having high needs children, that might take a lot of your time and energy and attention.

The second most common reason is relationship issues. This one is really interesting because we get DMs all the time from people that are like, oh, my God, we haven't had sex in so long. What do we do? Oh, yeah, by the way, we've been fighting all the time. Things have been really tough between us. And it's like, huh? Like, there is a connection between the stability of your relationship and the stability of your sex life. Because, you know, if you're feeling some emotional distance, you and your partner haven't been getting along, you're not feeling seen or understood, you guys are fighting all the time. Of course there's gonna be some physical distance between the two of you, and there's. It's gonna be harder to have sex. And maybe that one partner doesn't feel very safe having sex without an emotional connection. And so of course you're gonna be having less sex if you're in the midst of relationship issues.

Well, and there's also even just like physical distance too. I mean, a lot of couples, people have to travel for work, they're getting deployed, you know, different Stuff happens. So you might have physically not even be able to be intimate. The third most common reason that we got was mental health. So a lot of people talked about depression, anxiety, other mental health issues. And as an added complication, medications to treat mental health issues can often take away your libido and make it a lot easier to get into a dry spell.

Yeah. And unfortunately, those libido side effects often are not proactively discussed by so many doctors. And it's unfortunately something that you have to bring up yourself and say, hey, I'm having this impact. Are there any other options? Because, yeah, sadly, a lot of medical professionals aren't very comfortable talking about sex either.

And I think that probably the fourth most common reason that came up was stress. So a lot of people said, like, I'm just trying to survive right now. That's where all my energy and all my resources are dedicated. Like, sex just doesn't feel like it's on my immediate knees.

Oh, yeah. I mean, I think that this is one that a lot of people probably don't recognize as a huge libido killer. It's probably even higher on this list. If we were doing more of, like, a research study on this. I think people totally misjudged the impact of stress on their sex lives and their overall, you know, well being. I think we have this idea of, like, oh, my God, I'm so stressed. I need to let off some steam by having sex. And some people work that way, But I think the vast majority of people. The vast majority of people don't. That's kind of like the lie we see in the movies. It's like, oh, my God, I'm so busy. Like, I better go hook up with someone. And it's like, nah, that's not really how it works.

Yeah. All right. And then rounding out the list, people also mentioned injury, illnesses, recovering from sexual trauma, performance anxiety, loss and grief, financial challenges, lack of time, and lack of sleep.

Yeah. So if it's not immediately clear yet, basically anything going on in your life that is challenging is gonna impact your sex life. So, yeah, like, have some patience for yourself. If you're going through something regardless of what it is, don't be so surprised if it does have an impact on your sex life. Like, your sex life is not separate from everything else in your life. I know it can feel that way when we don't really talk about it or don't really acknowled acknowledge it. But if we do start to talk about it and do start to acknowledge it, then it's like, oh, yeah, this is just one of the many things that gets impacted when things happen in life.

All right, so let's talk a little bit about, like, what keeps the dry spell going, because we just listed all of these very understandable reasons why you might have, like, a temporary pause in your sex life. But what is that added layer of complication that makes it, like, feels so much more difficult to, like, get back in the sack and, like, start having sex again?

Yeah. Cause I think that if you ask people that, you know, we're experiencing one of these issues that we just discussed, what most people would say is, that's not really happening anymore, but I'm still struggling to get back in the saddle in terms of having sex. Like, I think that, you know, some people are definitely still going through a lot of these things, but what very often happens is, like, one of these things sort of triggers a dry spell, and then that thing may end, but we still find ourselves struggling to have sex.

Yeah. So the first thing that comes up is, like, just not wanting to acknowledge what is going on, that shame and that embarrassment that we talked about a few minutes ago. And, you know, if you're uncomfortable talking about sex in general, talking about not having sex is going to feel even scarier.

Yeah. You might even get into sort of a wait and see sort of dynamic, like, oh, is my partner going to say anything? Are they going to acknowledge that it's. It's been two months. I want to wait and see if they notice, and then, ooh, it kind.

Of turns into, like, a test.

Yeah, like a test. And probably the other partner is also wondering that, huh? Like, does my partner even care? You know, you probably both feel like I'm the one who initiated last and they turned me down. And so I'm just waiting to see, you know, when they do it. And it's like this whole, you know, like, playing chicken type thing and no one wins. No.

I also think there's this idea that most of us have that sex is supposed to happen spontaneously. Like, it's just supposed to be natural. We're not supposed to have to work at it. And so when something gets in the way of your sex life, a lot of us get very stuck and feel like, well, but, you know, it's just supposed to be happening. And we, you know, we don't want to take any active steps to reconnect with each other.

I mean, this one really feeds into the previous one of, like, not wanting to talk about it. It's like, I don't want to talk about it and it should just happen. So then when it's not happening and you're not talking about, you're like, well, well, guess I'm just gonna sit here and not do anything.

Yeah, a recipe for disaster for sure. There's also the element of inertia. So if you don't remember inertia from high school physics, it's the whole idea of like an object in motion stays in motion, an object at rest stays at rest. And I think that there's a sexual inertia that comes into play too. So when you're not having sex, it just feels easier to keep not having sex. So those first few times where like you initiate or your partner initiates, somebody turns the other person down. Like those moments can feel kind of awkward, like we're not doing it. Okay. You know, but then it's like the longer it goes on, it just feels easier and easier to keep not doing it and harder to imagine like getting that energy up to like, oh, okay, now we're gonna do it right. So it just feels easier to stay in place.

Yeah. I mean, and those like initial uncomfortable situations where maybe one person tries to init initiate the other person turns them down, that feels uncomfortable and that sucks. And so, you know, we're like, well, I want to avoid that. So maybe it's easier to not initiate. And it's like, then you're just into this sort of spiral of like, okay, well I don't want the uncomfortableness of being turned down, so I'm not going to initiate. And then you fall into a pattern. And I mean, we're just, we're habit based creatures. Once we start doing something a couple times, it becomes so much easier. I mean, that's great when we're trying to develop positive habits, but in a case like this, it can be problematic.

Yeah, I think it's just, you know, most people would just say it just feels awkward. The more time that goes on, the more awkward it feels. It feels so much harder to like reconnect with each other.

Yeah, I mean, and we, we have such a mental block around awkwardness and sex and I think that's cause we don't talk about it. And it's like when we don't talk about it, we just want to do it and be really good at it and like impress our partner to avoid any awkwardness. But yeah, I mean, the antidote to awkwardness is getting it more out in the open. It's hard for something to be awkward when you guys are actually talking about It.

So you're kind of leading us into like, how do we get out of a dry spell once we are in one? So we're gonna break it down into five steps. Step one might surprise you a little bit. Step one is to rebuild emotional intimacy first. I think when couples are in a dry spell, oftentimes I'll see people having two different reactions. One partner is saying, like, we just gotta break it. Like, we just gotta do it. Like, rip the band aid off, get her done. And the other partner will say, like, that just doesn't feel good to me. Like, I don't feel the desire to do that. It feels too awkward. It doesn't feel safe to me. Like, it just doesn't feel good. And so this is something that we actually talked about in episode 38 of our podcast on this tension between emotional and physical intimacy. And we really broke it down for you. So I highly recommend listening to that podcast episode next. But we really broke down for you, like this tension between those two types of intimacy. And we said something that I think might be a little controversial, which is that emotional intimacy should come first. And I'll give you a little spoiler alert to that episode. We talk about which kind of intimacy we each want to come first in our own relationship. And I'm actually somebody who wants to have physical intimacy first. First. So my inclination for breaking a dry spell would be like, we just gotta get in there and do it.

Yeah. And I think. And if both partners are of that opinion, then great, like, by all means do that. You don't need to listen to the rest of the episode. Go out there and have sex. But I think that probably people that tend to stay in dry spells longer are people where there is a. Either a mismatch in whether emotional or physical intimacy comes first or they are both emotional intimacy needing to come first, people. Yeah.

So in that episode we talk about specific ways to build up emotional intimacy. So we're not going to go into all of that here as well. But I think that it is really important for couples to talk about and to work on creating that space for connection and to do things that feel small and manageable. So you're probably in a dry spell because there's a lot going on in your life and, and you probably don't have the ability to like drop everything and go on a romantic two week vacation. Just sounds nice, sounds great. But I'm guessing that's probably not gonna happen. Instead it might be things like, hey, we're gonna set aside five minutes at the End of every day to, like, check in with each other and ask how our days went. Or we're gonna go on a short walk with each other. We're gonna try to be more verbally affectionate, like saying more I love yous and checking in throughout the day. So this is obviously gonna be dependent on couple to couple, like, whatever it is that feels emotionally connecting to you. But the bottom line that we want to make here is that you need to feel connected to each other. You need to have that foundation, that sense of trust in order to break out of your dry spell. So rather than just focusing on the, like, I just gotta rip my clothes off and, like, force myself into the bedroom to work on creating more of that emotional connection with your partner. So definitely listen to that episode, episode 38.

But I do want to acknowledge that you may be hearing what Vanessa is saying and be like, oh, my God, it feels really scary to have to initiate some emotional intimacy. But what if my partner thinks that I'm just initiating sex? We hear this so much from people. You get into a situation every time you try to initiate some physical touch or cuddling. Your partner thinks they want to have sex, and immediately, like, they're ripping off your clothes, and it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. And so then you're like, well, it's not sex safe to initiate emotional intimacy. Which leads us into why it's so important to have to have a little talk about why it is you want emotional intimacy. So if you're worried that, like, if I just start holding his hand more out of the blue, all of a sudden he's just going to jump to sex. Yeah. You're going to have to say, hey, I want to start having some more emotional intimacy with you. Which leads us right into our next.

Step two is to acknowledge it. So the mistake that so many couples make is not acknowledging it, not talking about the fact that they're in a dry spell. And we get it. Like, that's why we keep talking about the shame, the embarrassment, the inertia, the awkwardness, all this stuff that comes up and makes it hard to talk about. But if you're just sitting around waiting and hoping for things to change without either one of you having to acknowledge it, that's just not going to happen. It's only going to make the dry spell go on longer and feel so much worse. I think acknowledgement sounds like a very basic thing, but not having acknowledgement is excruciatingly painful. Like, you and your partner know what's going on there's no secret. There's no mystery here. And the fact that you're not talking about it is making both of you feel like you don't care about each other.

Yeah, I think that that dynamic rotation just breeds resentment because it's like, yeah, we. We always think that we're being so tricky. Like, oh, oh, my partner, like, doesn't really know what's going on. It's like, I feel like we tend to always know what's going on with each other. We are smarter than we do before having sex. We are all smarter and more perceptive than we give each other credit for. And I think it can be really easy to kind of be like, oh, my partner's not noticing this. Like, screw them. But it's like, yeah, no, we both notice it, and we gotta just. Just say something about it.

Okay. So we know that this can feel awkward and intimidating to talk about it. So we have a script for you that you can copy. So I'm going to read it to you first, and then we'll talk about why we like opening a conversation this way. So the basic idea that you want to say to your partner is, I know it's been a while since we've been intimate. I'm really missing you. And I want to get back to a place of us being more connected. So the first piece of it is you're just acknowledging, hey, it's been a while. Let's just put it out on the table and acknowledge it. But then what you're doing is you're focusing on the emotions. Like, I'm missing you. I want to get back to a place of being more connected. And of course, like, flesh this out with the words and the specific details that make it feel authentic and personal to you. But I think that focusing on the emotions in this way, it helps your partner recognize that you really are talking about connection. It's so easy for us to write off sex as you just about being, like, pure physical pleasure. Right. And for your partner to maybe hear you and think, like, oh, my partner just wants to have an orgasm. They just want to get off. But you want to focus it on that emotional connection and letting your partner know that, like, sex is about intimacy, it's not just this physical act and you're not talking about, like, hitting a magic number, like, we really have to commit to having sex twice a week going forward or something like that. Also notice that in that script there's no mention of, like, anybody's fault. Right. Like, you haven't initiated with me in forever. Like, you keep turning me down. Like, that is just a one way path to a big old fight.

Yeah. Or it's like, oh, well, we're not doing it because you've been working all these extra hours and it's like, yeah, you know, like, on paper, many of these things may be true or may appear to be true, but, like, starting the blame game is not gonna help because you're just opening it up for the conversation to devolve into like a courtroom type thing of like, oh, you're working more. And then I'm like, well, yeah, I'm working extra hours, but, like, I've been home and I tried to have sex with you, and it's. It's like, that's not gonna help anybody.

Yeah. We'll tell you in a second how to talk about those dynamics, but for this first introductory conversation, don't talk about anything that's going on. Just focus it on that. Like, I'm missing you. I want us to reconnect because this is gonna help you feel like you're a team working on this together. It's like you and your partner against the dry spell, not you and your partner against each other.

Yeah. So I think the important thing is like, you know, you're working on together getting out of this dry spell. But we don't want it to be like a big complaint. Oh, my God, it's been so long since we've had sex. Because, like, I think that it's easy for us to say something like that because we feel frustrated, but it's so easy for our partner to interpret, oh, my God, it's been so long since we've had sex to sound like you're kind of saying, oh, my God, like, why haven't you had sex with me in so long? Which isn't gonna feel good.

Yeah. I mean, if you're feeling really worried about this conversation and kind of nervous about how your partner might react, you can take the word sex or intimacy out of it altogether. And maybe instead of talking about, like, it's been a while, you could instead say something like, I know that we've had so much going on lately and we haven't had much time to ourselves. You could also say, I know we haven't been able to prioritize our relationship the way that we both want to. So you're acknowledging to your partner, like, I know we both, like, feel like this relationship is important. We both love each other. We both want to prioritize our love again. It's just like talking about making you guys feel like you're on the same team rather than, this is your fault, why haven't you been doing this I'm so upset kind of thing.

Right? And if this feels really uncomfortable because you've never really had any kind of conversation about sex, then check out in the show notes. We're going to link to a free guide that we have, which is just how to start talking about sex with your partner if you never have at all. So it's not even talking about sex in the context of a dry spell. It's just about, like, how to acknowledge that sex is something that we have and we want to be able to talk about that. So I think that's a really important first step. If you've never ever talked about sex at all, it can be really challenging to try to start talking about it in the context of the dry spell.

All right, step three is to start touching each other more. So dry spells, they tend to lead to a complete lack of physical touch. Like, they create touch starved relationships. It's not even that you're not touching each other during sex. It's like you're not touching each other at all. And a lot of it is what Xander was talking about a few minutes ago that we start creating this connection on our minds. That physical touch has to lead to sex. So we hesitate to give our partner a hug or a kiss or hold their hand because we don't want them to think we're trying to have sex. Right? It leads to these relationships where there's just no touch whatsoever, which only leads to you feeling more disconnected. So this step serves a number of different purposes. Like, we want you guys to start touching each other again because touch is just one of the most basic ways that we feel connected to each other, that we have intimacy, but we also want you to break that connection, that touch has to lead to sex. Because then that's just creating, like, even more of a dry spell. You know, it's like dry spell with sex, but also dry spell with touch. Focus on touching each other more throughout the day. Like holding hands, giving hugs, kisses, snuggling on the couch. Like all of those little things. Because couples tell us all the time, like, I miss that physical affection with each other. Like, I miss having that, that contact. Bring that back. It's a baby step towards intimacy. Like, we keep saying, you don't have to break spell by just having intercourse or whatever it is that, like, is your default method of having sex. We want you to ease your way back into it. So that non sexual touch is going to be a baby step towards more intimacy. It's going to create some inertia, some movement. Once you start gutting in movement, it's easier to stay in motion. That's going to work in your favor.

And you also might need to just make it clear with your partner that touch is not going to lead to sex for a little while as you just rebuild and this pattern or this habit of we touch each other without it necessarily leading to sex immediately. And that can be challenging because, yeah, of course you just want to get out of the dry spell, but you also want to get out of the dry spell in a safe way that feels good to both of you, that doesn't feel like you're compromising on what feels safe. Part of the acknowledgement conversation is like, hey, I would really like to be touching you more while we build up some emotional intimacy that's going to make it feel more comfortable to start having sex again.

Absolutely. So step three and step four are very interconnected. So in step three we're talking about non sexual touch. Like, this is not foreplay touch. Like, oh, let me give you a hug and then let's go have intercourse. This is like having, holding hands, having cuddles just for the sake of having that contact. Now when we move into step four, this is when you're going to start bringing physical, like sexual intimacy back into. Into play. But we want you to do it in baby steps. So we were mentioning earlier that a lot of couples put this pressure on themselves that like, the only way to break a dry spell is to have sex. Whatever sex means to you. Like, let's use intercourse as the example because that's.

Yeah, that's what most people assume for like male, female.

Yeah. Relationships. That tends to be our default thing. Right. But that feels like a lot of pressure. Like if you haven't had intercourse for months or even years, the idea of like, okay, the only way to break the dry spell is by having intercourse. Like, that can feel very overwhelming.

Yeah. Especially if you're like, it doesn't feel like it's gonna be very good. I'm worried that I'm gonna feel worse about myself afterward and like plunge right back into the dry spell like that.

Plunge. Interesting.

Well, yeah, I think that that's the reason why a lot of people don't want to just immediately start having sex again. It's like, oh, I don't think that's actually going to feel good. It might actually feel worse.

Yeah. And there can be so many different Performance issues can come up. Like, if you're a penis owner and you haven't been using that penis in a while, like, you might be worried about not being able to get hard, orgasming too quickly. Not being able to orgasm.

Oh, yeah.

If you're a vulva owner, like, intercourse is likely not the thing that's going to bring you the most physical pleasure. You might be feeling some pain or. Or discomfort. Like, there are just so many reasons why immediately jumping back to intercourse is not a good call. Instead, what we recommend couples do is, like, break it down into baby steps and just start having different forms of physical intimacy with each other. So maybe it's just a makeout session at first. So even just think about that. If you're in this massive dry spell, you're so freaked out and stressed out and feeling so much pressure about having to have introduced intercourse. What if we could say, like, all you need to do is have a makeout session. Like, that feels so much better. Right? And if you're being really clear with your partner of, like, we are just having a makeout session now, this is not the, like, makeout that then leads to intercourse. Right. So you can break it down. Maybe you masturbate with each other, you use your hands on each other, you have oral sex, you play with toys. Like, there's so many different things that you can do. And I've worked with a lot of couples, like, in my sex therapy practice, where we even made the. This into a structured plan. Like, okay, the first week, all you're allowed to do is kiss. And we turned it into, like, a game. So it could, like, I would tell them you're not allowed to do anything other than kiss. I don't care if you guys get turned on. You want to go further, you're not allowed to.

Sorry.

The next week, it was like, you could only use your hands. The next week, you could only use your mouths, but wherever you want on each other's bodies. And, like, it gave them this structure, but it also felt like fun and playful. So you could totally agree with your partner that you were going to do something like that. That. So the bottom line here is to take baby steps, ease your way back into it in a way that feels manageable. Less pressure and, you know, fun and exciting for you.

Yeah, that can help make it feel a bit less awkward. But the reality is that easing into things, it may just be awkward. And that's the reality of coming back from a dry spell. We always like to talk about the first pancake rule, which Is, you know, when you're making pancakes, usually the first one that you pour on there, it comes out a little weird. I don't know why that is, but I feel like it always does. Yeah, it always does. And then, you know, the next pancake comes out perfect. Maybe not per. I shouldn't say perfect.

No, we don't use that word.

But the next batch of pancakes always comes out better than that first one. And I think the same is true with sex. Like, oftentimes the first time you have sex with someone, the first time we have sex, after a while style, it's not earth shattering sex, but we work ourselves back up to it. And so it's just about acknowledging. Yep. That first time. The expectation is not that it is incredible. The best ever. It's just we're getting back in the saddle.

Yeah. So talk to your partner about the first pancake rule. And you can like set that as the expectation of, like, we are gonna ignore the first pancake. We're gonna toss it out, you know, we're gonna let it go. Just be. We're gonna have the expectations that it's going to feel weird or awkward or not as pleasurable or not as exciting. And that could be for any of the baby steps. It could be for, you know, whatever it is that you define as sex. Like every first that you have with each other. Again, there's a potential for a first pancake. And if you even want to be like super playful about it with your partner, you could just turn it into a game of, like, how awkward can we get? Let's have the most awkward makeout session and like, just be funny about it.

Yeah. You might even find yourself getting turned on by that. That could be. Be a great way to turn awkwardness into something sexy.

Yeah. So lean into the awkwardness. Don't wait around for that magic moment. The awkwardness is just totally going to disappear because it's not coming, I promise you. So lean into the awkwardness. Let those first pancakes be all right. And that brings us to step number five, which is to come up with a plan to combat dry spells together.

And we purposefully put this at the very end because at this point, if you've gone through these steps, you're probably on your way out of the dry spell now. So, you know, we don't want you at the very beginning being like, oh, my God, we're in the midst of a dry spell and we have to figure out how we're never going to have one again.

Yeah. So it's like Once you've got a little bit of momentum going, you're starting to reconnect with each other, then I think you can loop back around and have a deeper conversation about what got you guys into this dry spell in the first place. Because we need to learn from our challenges in life, in our relationships. I think it's really important to take a look back in life and be reflective about what got me here and what can I do to try to prevent myself from getting back to this next time. Like, you're probably still gonna go through dry spells, the ebbs and flows that Sandra was talking about earlier. But this whole point of, like, trying to help you and your partner feel like a team in tackling whatever it is that life throws your way. So have a conversation with your partner where you ask each other, like, what got in the way of us being as connected as we both want to feel? And again, you're using that word, both. Right. It's not like, why didn't you ever want to connect with me?

Yeah. I mean, you could even open this conversation with, like, oh, my God, it feels so good that we are having sex again. I'm loving where we are at. I want to keep us here. Like, let's. Let's talk about, like, ways that can we learn from what just happened over the last couple months, months to apply in our life going forward so that we don't have a situation like that, so that we can try to keep things at the level they are now. I think starting it with praise is so great. It's a great way to solidify the sort of team dynamic and, you know, go lead with gratitude for where you're at and talk about what can we learn from the past in a way that's not blaming?

Yeah, absolutely. So you can listen to this episode with your partner, like, look at that list of dynamics that can create the dry spell in the first place, and talk about what are the specific things that came out up in your lives. And then you can also problem solve those things. So is it things like, we need a regular babysitter. We need to take one long weekend away together a year. We need more alone time on a daily basis. Like, really trying to get specific and strategic about changes that you need to make in your lives to create more space for intimacy with each other.

Another great option for combating dry spells is to start scheduling sex. And a lot of people hear that and go, oh, my God, that sounds like the least sexy thing ever. But there are ways for scheduling sex to be unsexy but there are a lot of ways that people don't know about to actually make it really fun and exciting. And we actually. We have a masterclass called Bring youg Sex Life Back to Life, where we talk you through how scheduling sex can be a great option, why it's a great option, and ways to do it it that are fun and, you know, not like, oh, we're gonna just put a dot on the calendar, and that's it.

All right, so the bottom line here is that dry spells happen. They are so common. Being in a dry spell does not mean that your sex life is doomed. You have no chemistry. Your libido is never gonna come back. You guys should just break up already. Like, you can get out of dry spells no matter what, if you and your partner are committed to connecting again and to having the kinds of conversations that we've discussed in this episode. So I hope we've given you a number of tools and resources for getting out of your dry spell. And we will put links to a whole bunch of stuff in the show notes. For this episode, we'll put that free guide how to start talking about sex, even if you never have before. The bring your sex life back to life masterclass that Xander just mentioned. And also our foreplay guides, because we did talk about taking baby steps back towards intimacy. Intimacy.

And those baby steps can be way more fun and way hotter when you have some awesome techniques. Okay, well, that's all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about squirting.