EPISODE 50: I Don’t Know How To Say This, But...

A lot of times I think we just want to put this onto our partner of, like, I just want you to do the thing that I want, even though I don't know what it is that I want in the first place.

Yeah, read my mind. Right?

Exactly. Hello, and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Hey, babe.

Hey.

We need to talk.

Oh, boy. What do we need to talk about?

It's our 50th podcast episode.

Wow, that is. That's wild. That's so wild. That's almost a year. I mean, I guess we released, like, three episodes at once when we first started, so we're not quite to a full year of podcasting, but, man, 50 episodes is.

It's a lot.

Two years ago, I would have never thought we would be able to do this.

Me neither.

I mean, and when we started, I mean, just imagining like, a year of weekly podcast episodes. Totally inconceivable.

Pretty cool.

Pretty cool.

No one else I'd rather be doing it with than you.

Oh. Now, now that we've dispensed with the compliments, I've got something really serious I want to talk to you about.

What is it?

Nope, that's what we're talking about in this episode. How do you talk about insert the blank? Not in a sexy way. Insert the blank. How do you talk about. Whatever.

What are we inserting into what?

The sexy blank.

Sexy blank. Now, we are doing an episode where we are going to teach you not how to insert something into the blank, but how to say something to your partner. I think this is a big communication struggle that comes up for pretty much all of us at one point or another. There's something that we want to share with our partner or communicate to them, tell them, ask them for probably something.

Serious or maybe a little heavy or we worry that it's too serious or too heavy.

I think it's more often than not the latter. But, yeah, we can't find the words for it. We can't figure out, like, how do I say this? How do I describe this? How do I ask for this. So a lot of us wind up using some openers that are not so great, like, we need to talk. I mean, that just makes my stomach curdle.

Oh, yeah, I'm ready for the worst when I hear that, like, breakup. Oh, no.

Or even what you said. You were like, there's something I need to tell you. Prefacing things like that. You know, I think a lot of times we do that because we're nervous and we're trying to ease our way into it. But when I hear stuff like that, I'm like, oh, my God. God, brace myself. What's coming?

Yeah, it's like, well, let's just prep our partner for the absolute worst. So then whatever I end up saying is not gonna be that bad.

So we are all about helping you communicate inside and outside of the bedroom. And we know that it can be so challenging to actually open your mouth and insert something that Xander was talking about earlier and say what you wanna say or bring up a tricky topic. So we decided to do this episode in, like, an advice column style. We've done this a few times in. Basically, we went over to Instagram and we asked our audience, give us examples. What's something that you want to talk to your partner about, but you are really struggling and you want our help.

We'll help you out.

So we picked some of the most interesting ones, and we're going to give you our best advice for how to talk about this topic with your partner. Our hope is that even if the topic isn't your exact situation, that you'll still be able to learn some really useful communication tips, figure out how to phrase things, and even just get the courage or the inspiration to have these conversations with your partner. Because the bottom line is that your relationship deserves open and honest communication.

All right, but first, as always, we are going to read you the review of the week. The sex podcast that's for men too. I'm divorced, single guy, and had originally listened to the podcast haphazardly. However, over the last three weeks or so, I listened to every episode in order, and they are so good. Guys, if you want to become the best version of yourself in the bedroom, be open to listening and to learning from Vanessa and Xander. You'll always have something to talk about. Or maybe try out Sunglasses, Face, Fire, Tongue, and Explosion. Yeah. Their guides and courses are also fantastic. Vanessa and Xander just seem like two of your really smart, funny, and compassionate friends who want you to have the best sex and relationships possible.

Wow.

Why, thank you.

What a wonderful review. That makes me Smile. Thank you so much for that. So every week for the podcast, we do a review of the week because we are just so thankful to get your reviews. They really help the podcast grow. How it works is you just need to leave a review once. On Apple Podcasts, scroll to the bottom of the podcast page. That's where you'll see all the reviews. But just leave it once and you will be entered into this weekly drawing every week going forward. We pick one winner every week to be featured. And if you're the winner, you DM us on Instagram and we'll give you a free personalized mini coaching session.

Oh, yeah.

So it's just our way of saying thank you so much. We really, really appreciate your support of the podcast.

All right, so let's get into your sticky communication situations.

Oh, sticky.

Yeah, sticky. We're going there.

Choice of words.

So the first one is, how do I tell my partner? I don't want initiation. That's just saying, hey, wanna do it?

Ooh, the delightful wanna do it?

Yeah.

Wins you over.

Or like, should we have sex?

I guess it's been a while. Should we?

Yeah, I feel like these all kind of fall in that category. The lackluster extreme. Lackluster initiation.

Yeah. Before we even get into the communication tips, maybe we should give an initiation tip. You want your initiation to feel like an invitation, like something that somebody's actually going to get excited about and want to say yes to. I don't know about you, but for me, like, want to do it doesn't feel like an invitation.

Yeah, I mean, well, when you hear want to do it or should we have sex or something like that, it sounds like the person saying it is not clear that they really want to. It's like, well, do you want to?

I don't know. Do you want to?

Yeah, it's like, I'm neutral on whether I want to have sex, but maybe you want to. And how is that? Very exciting.

Yeah.

If you're asking someone out on a date, do you go, like, would you maybe want to go somewhere that you choose or something like that?

Great example that you just brought up. Because I think that we ask in these sort of half hearted ways because it feels really vulnerable to put yourself out there. And if we're sort of like, oh, well, if I'm just like kind of hinting at it and I don't really say directly like, I want to, I want to go on a date with you, I want to be intimate with you, then maybe it won't sting so much. If the other person says no, absolutely.

But the reality is, if I can speak directly to the person that initiates like this, you obviously do want to. That's why you're asking. So the reality is you're probably still inside, not gonna feel so good if the answer is no. It's just like this idea that you're somehow saving face in front of your partner because you're like, oh, oh, well, I didn't really want to do it, obviously, because I didn't say I wanted to do it. I just said, want to do it.

Exactly. Okay, so that was more of an initiation tangent. Let's go back to the communication tips. So when we put up this question box on Instagram, we got hundreds of responses. And as I was reading over them, I realized the majority of them were phrased as talking about something that they don't want rather than something that they do want. And so a great communication tip that we have, a general one, is focus on what you do want instead of what you don't, is the exact opposite of what most people are doing. And I think the reality is it's easier for us to focus on the things that we don't want because we tend to have stronger reaction to those. Like, we are annoyed by that, or we're turned off by it, or we really don't like it, so it feels a lot stronger. Whereas the things that we do want can often feel a lot murkier. I think a lot of us don't even know what we want in so many areas, so it feels easier for us to just focus on the things that we don't want. But we were actually doing a story about this on Instagram, I think, last week, about the difference between complaints versus requests. Bottom line is, none of us likes hearing a complaint, and we don't respond very well to it. Right. Like, it's not motivating when you hear a complaint. It doesn't make you want to do something nice for your partner because you feel ashamed or embarrassed or you feel like you did something wrong because they're complaining. And it feels like you can't really even win either. Not, like, win in the sense of you're better than your partner, but in the sense of, like, wow, well, I've already disappointed my partner. I've done something that they don't like. Like, now I can't. I can't get them to a positive place. I can just get them to maybe, like, slightly less annoyed at me.

So, I mean, I think the first question is to the person Asking this of us, like, how do you want initiation? What does feel good for you? What would get you super excited? I mean, I think there's two things your partner needs to understand that just want to do it doesn't work. But at the same time, like, you also need to think about what is it that you do want.

So what this means, of course, is that you need to take the time to think about the ways that you want sex to be initiated. So a lot of times I think we just want to put this onto our partner of like, I just want you to do the thing that I want, even though I don't know what it is that I want in the first place.

Yeah, read my mind. Right, exactly.

We want our partners to read our minds and just do the things that we want without even us knowing ourselves what it is that we want. But that's just not a fair position to put your partner in. They cannot be a mind reader. So you need to take that time and make that effort and that self exploration to figure out what are the ways of initiating that you would like.

However, I will venture a gas at the person asking this question. I'm guessing that one thing they for sure want is they want their partner to be a little more enthusiastic when they initiate. That's one little clue from reading what they don't want. I can, you know, look at the converse and say, okay, I'm pretty sure that they want their partner to be a little more excited. They probably want to hear how excited their partner is to have sex with them. So when you're thinking about ways that you want your partner to initiate, think about what are a couple examples that you can give of ways where your partner can really show you how excited they are to have sex with you, how sexy you are, how much they want you. So, you know, it's not like we're just saying, oh, you just got to go figure it out from scratch. Like, I think there are a couple ideas that you can start with. Think about an enthusiastic way that your partner could initiate and tell you how excited they are to have sex with you.

Yeah. And then one last thing I'll say about this one is that a lot of times when we make requests, we want to be able to just make the request once and our partner listens to it for the rest of eternity. But that is not how any of us work in reality. So I think that even if this person shares their favorite techniques with their partner, there's still a pretty high likelihood that the partner is going to initiate Occasionally by saying, want to do it? Because that's just become their comfortable routine.

Yeah, it's a habit.

Yeah.

You got to build a new habit, which takes time. We don't build habits overnight.

Exactly. So if your partner initiates in that way, keep it kind of light and playful in the moment, and you can say something like, hey, remember those techniques that I shared with you that I would be much more likely to say yes to? You know, just kind of be, like, fun and flirty in that way, and it. It gives them a little reminder of, hey, you actually have better tools.

I love when you're so excited to have sex with me. All right, let's move on to the next response that we got, which is that I need alone time. He needs hobbies and people that are separate from me.

Okay, so the good news with this one is that you've identified something that you actively want. You want alone time, which is great. I think in relationships, we definitely need to have alone time, and just as human beings, we need to have alone time.

But I think maybe the problem is that you've also identified exactly what it is that you're partner needs to do.

Yeah. I mean, this one was interesting to me because I sort of felt like, does this even need to be a conversation? I don't get to tell you, Xander, like, you need to have hobbies or you need to make more friends.

Like, make more friends.

What I can say in our relationship is, like, I want us to still be our own individual people and have our own things going on. But I don't think I can, like, say to you, you need to go get another hobby. And that often can, like, come across as feeling really mean, too. And I think could bring up some sh. Shame for that other person of, like, oh, my God, like, I don't have enough friends, or, like, I don't. I'm not interesting. And, like, not everybody has really defined hobby. I mean, you are a great example. Like, you have surfing. It's a hobby for you. You spend multiple hours on it, like, multiple times a week. But not everybody has a thing like that. And that's okay.

Yeah. I mean, also, we all have very different definitions of what a hobby is. You might have this idea in your head of, like, I want them to go start playing golf or go hiking with their. Or something. That's sort of more of a, like, generally accepted hobby. But, like, your partner might be like, you know what? I just love, like, sitting on the couch and watching tv, because, like, I work really hard, and I like having A couple hours on the weekend to just like, chill out watching tv or I like to build my model planes or I'm trying to think of. But I guess. I guess that is. That is a hobby. Though it's probably not an out of the house hobby. I kind of have a feeling that this person. I'm reading between the lines, but I kind of have a feeling this person. Well, like, I mean, maybe they want to get their partner out of the house. Because the interesting thing is they've said I need alone time. They haven't actually said, I need time to do my own hobbies or go hang out with my own friends. I wonder if they're just trying to get their partner out of the house.

Okay, there are a couple of different options here. If this is just that this person has their own hobbies and their other friends and they want to find. Feel more freedom to do that, I think that's an internal thing. And I would say you don't need to have a conversation about it with your partner because I think the risk of shaming or embarrassing your partner is pretty high. So what I would do in that case is like, just go take your alone time, go do your things, engage in your hobbies, spend time with your friends or your people. Like, just do it and let your partner do whatever it is that they're gonna do in that time when you're gone. Maybe they will get bored and discover a hobby or go out and make some new friends. And maybe they won't. But that's not your responsibility. That's like their journey to figure out how they want to spend their time.

And honestly, if they go out and do it of their own volition, it's going to be so much more meaningful. It's something that they want to do versus something that you're telling them they have to do. Because if you tell them they have to do something, like maybe they'll go out and do it. They might resent you for that. Or they might. It might just swing the opposite way. They might be like, screw that. I'm just going to sit at home and watch tv, more like to spite you.

Okay, but the other option that you brought up is an interesting one. Like maybe the original person asking this question wants to have alone time in the house.

Yeah.

And I do think there is something very special about that alone house time. That's some good time. I love being alone in the house. So if that's the case, then that would definitely need to be a conversation. And you could tell your partner like, tell them you heard this on the podcast. And, like, I've never thought about it in that way before, but as soon as they were talking about alone house time, I realized how wonderful that is, and I miss that, and I would love to have more of that. So how about we support each other in giving each other a loan house time. So, again, don't go down the path of telling your partner, like, you don't do anything. You're always around. You have no hobbies or interests. Like, that's obviously just going to hurt your partner's feelings. But instead, frame it as, like, we both want a loan house time. How do we support each other?

Yeah, I think that's so important. How do we find a way to make this happen for both of us so that it doesn't just feel like this sort of selfish thing, like, you got to get out of the house, then that I can be alone more. Because then to your partner, they're gonna be like, well, wait, but, like, what about me?

Yeah, that's.

Yeah, that's not good.

And if your partner says they don't need a loan house time, that's okay. You can still say like, all right, yeah, that's fine.

But I do.

I'm pretty into it, so I'd like to do it.

All right. So the next person wrote in and said, I want more foreplay.

Okay. This is a tricky one because there could be a lot of different things going on here. Like, are you getting any foreplay? What's the vibe going on with the forepl?

Yeah. What is, like, your history around foreplay?

If this is a male, female couple, is it maybe that the man doesn't understand that foreplay is often the main event for women and not, like, we honestly hate the word foreplay because it sounds like it's something that comes before the main event.

Right. Yeah. The problem is during play doesn't really.

Have a good ring to it during play.

Oh, encompassing play.

During play sounds like Dungeons and Dragons.

Or like, mid. Mid play.

Mid play.

Yeah. The problem is, yeah, we have, like, four, which is, like, before post, which is after. But, like, mid what. What would be during mid is, like, in the middle. There's got to be some prefix there.

People do talk about core play, but that just makes me think of exercise.

Oh, yeah. I was gonna say that sounds like some intense. Some ab blaster.

Yeah. That didn't have blaster core play to work out today. Okay. So there could be a lot of different things going on here. So if it's a case where Maybe it's a man who doesn't understand the importance of foreplay. Then definitely, like, bring him over to our Instagram account. Watch our orgasm highlight with him, because there might need to be a lot of sex education going on of helping your partner realize, like, oh, no, foreplay isn't, like, 30 seconds of grabbing at your boobs or, you know, touching your clitoris.

It's not just the time it takes for you to get hard.

Yeah, but I mean, that's just one scenario too. Like, this could be a man in a male, female relationship. It could be somebody of any gender in any configuration. So that's what makes it, like, a little bit tricky to figure out. I would say what I would start with is in the moment itself. So they're saying, I want more foreplay. I'm gonna go out on a limb and assume that there's some foreplay that's going on. So what I would start with with the partner is as soon as the partner is engaging in some sort of foreplay and give a ton of praise, like, oh, my God, that's feeling so good. Don't stop. Keep going. You're so good at that.

You could also be a bit of a leading, like, compliment, but also request, like, oh, I love it when you tease me like that. Keep teasing me. Something like that. The word tease is good because it kind of implies, like, continue. Continue with this. And also, like, do it a bit slow.

Yeah, I would start off with that. And if your partner starts to. Let's say that they start to, you know, move towards doing different. You can say, like, wait, wait, I'm not done with that yet. That was so good. You were making me feel so good. Keep doing that.

Oh, let's take our. Let's take our time today.

Yeah, really use your compliments to guide your partner. And remember what we were talking about earlier with requests versus complaints. Requests and compliments. Like, that's just such a better way to get your partner to respond positively in the moment. And then what you can do is if you've, in that moment, managed to guide your partner through doing it for longer, ask for repeat for next time. So say like, oh, my God, that was so good. I really loved slowing down or spending so much more time on oral, or, I love that you made me come with your hands before we did. Da, da, da. You know, whatever it was that you did that you enjoy, because again, foreplay is a pretty broad word. It could mean a lot of different things. But tell your partner I loved that so much. I would Love to do that again next time.

Yeah, I mean especially right after you've finished if you had a particularly good session, you know. Yeah. Just kind of do that post game thing of like, oh my God, that was so great. I'm realizing that for me, I'm so much more likely to come or I enjoy myself so much more when we spend a little extra time up front on the foreplay. Like I think that can be a kind of non combative way to say it is like, oh, that's really working for me. Or it's like, you know, in the case you said, like, oh, it's so hot when I get to orgasm before we even have penetration and then you can have your way with me or something like that.

Yeah. There are just so many positive ways to phrase this where you get your partner excited about like, ooh, I'm doing a good job, I'm bringing them a lot of pleasure, you know, so just keep the compliments going. And I think in general this is another great communication tip is we are all so much more motivated by positive feedback than negative feedback. So the more compliments that you can shower on your partner, the, the better it's going to be. So that's what I would start with here. If you get any sort of pushback from your partner or they don't seem willing to go along with doing more foreplay, then you might need to have a separate conversation where you go through that sex education that we were talking about earlier. But I think for most cases you can get your partner on the right path just by giving a lot of positive praise, feedback, compliments.

Oh yeah. I mean, and the other piece. Cause we kind of made a couple gender assumptions through a lot of that advice is regardless of the genders, when you're talking, you know, when the goal is adding more foreplay, both people can benefit from that foreplay. Like it, you know, you can, one person can focus on the other and then the other can focus on the original person. Like you can go back and forth and so, you know, whether it's a man and a woman or whomever, like it can be something that's really great for both people. I think that often when we're, if we're like, hey, I need you to give me more foreplay, it kind of feels a bit one sided. Like, oh, I need you to just spend more time on me. And that's not what we're asking. Like foreplay is about stuff that we do to each other and we can both spend time on each other.

Yeah.

All right, so the next one is this person is saying, my partner needs to lose weight.

Okay. So this is one of the most common responses that we got in our question box. So what we want to do is direct you over to podcast episode 46. We went into a lot of detail about this. It's our hygiene episode, because weight loss and weight gain were something that came up in that episode a lot.

Yeah. I need you to take care of yourself.

Yeah. So go listen to that next, because I think we shared a lot of really useful information and a very different way of looking at this.

Yeah. And definitely like. Like when it is appropriate to make a request or to share and when it is not appropriate to make a request or share. Moving on. This next person is saying, I want to try using a toy, but I'm too afraid to ask him. We get this a lot.

Oh, yeah. So in this case, this was a woman talking about. Obviously she says him, you know, her male partner in the. This. So, yeah, like Xander was saying, we do get this question a lot. I'm going to guess the toy is a vibrator. Not like a LEGO set.

A model train. Model train, model airplane.

So a lot of women feel self conscious about vibrators because they think that men will think that the vibrator is replacing him.

Yeah, there's a lot of stereotypes around this. There are a lot of men that do confirm the stereotype, unfortunately. But let's not worry about that unless he actually does confirm that stereotype.

Right, yeah.

Why? We don't need to worry about that yet.

Yeah, I would say let's go into it assuming positive intention. And yeah, what Xander was saying is true, unfortunately. Like, there are. There are men out there who take it personally because they don't understand, you know, what the woman is really requesting or what role a vibrator really plays in the bedroom.

Yeah, I'd say it's a very loud minority of men, perhaps. What would you guess? I mean, I would say it's definitely a minority of men that feel this way, but they are very loud and boisterous. Minority, perhaps.

Wow. The bottom line is, you know, a toy is never going to be a replacement for a human being. Nobody's ever going to choose. No, I'd rather just have toys for the rest of my life and never have any sort of physical contact with a human being again. Right. But a toy is a tool that the two of you can use that can bring you closer together, honestly. It's a way that you can experience pleasure together. It doesn't need to be like, you know, you just using the toy by yourself and not looking at your partner and not having any sort of contact with them or, you know, it's not like you just masturbating. Your partner happens to be there and you kind of wish that they weren't.

Sit in the corner and watch. Yeah.

I mean, that could be hot.

Yeah. I mean, if that's what you want to do, do that. But I don't think that's what this person is asking. Yeah.

And one other note that I want to make about vibrators too, is that a lot of people can't orgasm in any other way. Like, somebody might have mobility issues or just some other sort of ability issue where they're not able to stimulate themselves or, you know, like a vibrator can just be the easiest and best or even the only way that they can experience pleasure. So I want to make space for that as well. Like Xander was saying, I think let's go into it with this positive intention.

I think it's so easy for us to build it up in our head and worry about, oh, my God, what if he thinks this? What if he's thinks that he's going to do this? And then it's like we've already convinced ourselves that they're going to say a certain thing and then it's kind of this weird self fulfilling prophecy. Then we start like, adjusting how we ask about it. And we ask about it in this really roundabout way or this really nervous way where we're more likely to elicit the response that we're worried about because we're like walking around it so carefully. Or, you know, you kind of go the route of like the very first one. The, like, the want to do it route where you're like, oh, would you like, maybe want to try a toy? I'm not really sure if I want to.

You say that your partner, like, they're going to hear your tone and your nervousness and embarrassment and think like, oh, like there's something here for me to be nervous about too.

Yeah. Or yeah. Or. Or they hear that and they're like, well, it doesn't sound like you want to. So why would I say yes? Like, why? Why would I. Why would I say yes to something? It sounds like maybe you're asking for me, not for yourself.

I don't want to use the vibrator.

Yeah, like, well, it's not really for me. Like, I'm pretty happy. So, like, no, let's not.

One of our favorite tips for introducing something Is called the dream scheme. You just say that you had a dream about it.

Yeah. And it was super hot.

It was so sexy. And I wasn't.

You can't stop thinking about it.

It wasn't really something I'd thought about before, but now I can't stop thinking about it. Go that route and see what your partner says. But I think that the odds are if you say something with, like, some excitement and curiosity, like, that sounds really sexy. And it'd be fun to use it together, to have you use it on me, you know, something like that. Or have you watch me use it on myself. Like, you can make it feel really sexy rather than, like, would it be okay if I use my vibrator?

Yeah. And also, there are toys that are mutually beneficial for both parties. Like, you know, you can get toys that can vibrate in a way that is really hot. Not for your partner as well. It doesn't have to be something that's just for you. That could be even a great starting. Like, oh, let's get something that's going to be great for both of us.

Oh, yeah. That's such a great idea, too.

All right, next person wants to express why a date night doesn't fix a general lack of emotional intimacy in our relationship.

Reading over this one.

This is another example of the. This is what they don't want.

Yeah.

Not what they do want. I mean, I know what they want from the way that they've asked me this.

Well, do we? Well, I mean, we know generally that they want more emotional intimacy.

Yeah. They want more emotional intimacy. They want more than a date night.

Yeah. I mean, the way that this one was phrased, I just kind of felt this kick to the gut reading over it. Like, if you said this to me, A date night doesn't fix the general lack of emotional intimacy in our relationship. Like, that feels so harsh and intense.

I feel really defeated.

Yeah. I would feel feel defeated. I would feel shamed. I'm kind of reading between the lines here, and I'm assuming one partner, like, tried to do a date night, and the other partner is, like, one date night is not going to fix everything. So while I totally agree. Yeah. Like, of course. Yeah. One date night doesn't create everlasting emotional intimacy. But if I was the one who had planned that date night, I would feel so ashamed and embarrassed for even having tried.

Yeah. And I wouldn't feel good about planning another one.

Oh, no. I would be totally shut down. Like, wow, Okay. I tried to do something nice, and my partner just shut me down and said, like, that's just one drop in a glass.

You know, that's not good enough.

That's exactly. That's not good enough. So I can totally empathize with the person who sent this in. They're wanting emotional intimacy. It sounds like there's been a lack of it. Maybe this is something that's been going on for months or years. They're clearly feeling a depth of need, but we need to figure out a different way to express that. Like, you deserve to have emotional intimacy, but telling your partner all the ways that they're not living up to it and that the efforts that they're making to try to get you there don't count or aren't enough. Like, this is not the way to go about creating emotional intimacy.

Yeah. And so, obviously, from the way this question was asked, I can tell that a date night isn't feeling particularly intimate to you. And so I would be really curious what types of activities or what types of things would feel more emotionally intimate to you. So, yeah, like, let's start thinking about what are the things that would feel most meaningful, and then let's start expressing that need to our partner.

So give them praise for the date night. Like, they did something. And maybe, yes, it's one tiny drop in the bucket, but they did something. They're trying. They are making an effort. So say, you know, you can say something like, like, hey, I know that we've been in a really tough place lately. I really appreciate you making the effort with date night. And I want us to continue doing more intimacy building activities like this.

Here's a couple examples of things that would feel really good. Like, that was nice going to dinner with you. It's felt like we've been kind of disconnected or apart for a while. So, like, that was really great. And maybe in a couple days we could do this or that.

That. Exactly, exactly.

All right, our next one is my partner's childhood trauma may be impacting our relationship, and therapy could be helpful.

Okay, so I want to say a couple of things right off the bat here. First is that Xander and I are, no surprise, like, huge fans of therapy. We definitely think that if anybody's experienced any sort of childhood trauma, like, they deserve therapy. They deserve to have a safe space to process their experiences. I like the way that this person phrased it. They're saying their childhood trauma may be impacting our relationship. Therapy could be helpful. Like, they're phrasing it in a gentle way. Yeah, I mean, they could have said, you know, my Partner's so fucked up and, like, they have to do therapy.

You need to be in therapy.

Yeah. You know, I think unfortunately, sometimes people can wield therapy as an insult. Like you have, oh, God, you have to go to therapy.

You haven't figured this out yet, so you gotta do therapy. Yeah. I mean, that's why so many people are scared of therapy. Because it gets thrown around as this like, last ditch thing where it's like, like we're supposed to solve all of our own problems. And only when we can't, only when we fail, we ask for help. And that is not helpful because we can't do everything for ourselves. Absolutely. We absolutely can't. Not in this modern world that we live in where, you know, we're not like out there hunting for our own food.

Wow.

Building our own shelter. You know, like there's. It's a complicated world and sometimes complicated emotional things happen and we need someone else's support.

Oh, there's Andrew's ad for therapy right there.

There you go. Go get it.

Okay. So again, I appreciate this person, like the sensitivity that you've shared this with. So that's awesome. So what I would do is approach your partner at a totally separate time. Like when things are chill and mellow between the two of you. You haven't just had an argument. You haven't been just been talking about their childhood trauma or anything like that. Like it's kind of a neutral moment. And I would say something like, I've heard you talk a lot about challenging stuff from your past and I first just want to say, like, I'm so sorry that you've gone through this, you know, whatever it is specific to that person. Like, you went through something that nobody should have to endure. Or like, I'm so proud of the person that you've become. You know, any sort of personal details like that. One quick little tip here is that I would not use the word trauma unless your partner has used it. So if your partner has said, I have childhood trauma, then you can say stuff like, yeah, you've gone through trauma that nobody should have to. Stuff like that. But using the word trauma, if your partner never has, can actually be kind.

Of traumatizing or it just is setting the stage for an argument. They go, no, I don't have any trauma. I don't have any trauma. And that convinces them that they are fine. They convince themselves that they are fine. And it takes them further away from actually going and asking, asking for help.

Okay, so with my script, it's like, yeah, you know, I've heard you talk about challenging things from your past or your childhood, whatever it is. I'm so sorry you've gone through this. I want you to know that I'm always here for you, to support you in whatever way I can. And I really think that you deserve to have a safe space where you can process what happened to you. So that last part, you're kind of doing two things there. Like, you're letting your partner know, I'm here for you, I support you. And I think that therapy could be really beneficial because I think something that happens in relationships is sometimes we feel like we have to be our partner's therapist. Like, we gotta kind of do everything. I have to be my partner's partner and lover and best friend and confidant and therapist. And it's like. It's a lot. And the bottom line is we cannot be therapists to our partner.

Yeah. I mean, I think in certain areas we can, like, in. When it comes to. To, you know, if you want to vent about, like, the shitty stuff that happened at work or something like that, like, we can, you know, be a sounding board. But when it comes to stuff that is totally unrelated to us, like stuff that happened as a kid, your partner cannot be your therapist on that. They can't fix that problem.

I mean, even with venting, your partner can't be your therapist.

Well, I mean, they can listen.

Legally, we are not allowed to be therapists to people that we know. But, yeah, they could listen, they could let you vent, they can give you advice, but it's obviously not going to be like therapy with your partner.

Yeah.

So, you know, if you have gone through therapy, if you're currently in therapy, or if you've gone through it in the past, that's something that you could share with your partner. Like, you know, I'm not comparing the things that we've been through, but, like, I went through therapy. I found it to be really beneficial. You know, it was so helpful for me. Or if you haven't, you could say something like, I have so much respect for people who decide to go get therapy and who can ask for help or ask for support or just are willing to explore themselves and their history in that way. So make it really clear that you think therapy is a positive thing. It's not like, you're fucked up. You need to go and fix yourself. It's. I have so much respect for people who are willing to take the time and make the investment in understanding who they are and how to be the best Versions of themselves that they can be, you know, something like that.

You can also acknowledge that you totally understand in certain cases, like, time isn't necessarily going to solve all the problems. It is totally normal that you're gonna have lasting impacts from something that happened as a kid. Like, we all do. We are all messed up from the things that happen to us in our childhood because life is traumatic, unfortunately.

Wow.

I mean, life is. Life is traumatic.

This is Xander's ad for trauma. Yeah.

So, you know, just clarifying that the expectation is not like, that you should be over this, that it's that, you know, I know some things stick with us, and there's nothing wrong with talking to someone about it. All right, so our final one is I want an orgasm. They've tried in the past when I didn't know what I liked, but now I do, and I want them to try again.

Okay. Yay. We will celebrate this one.

We know what you want.

You know what you want. That's awesome. So what I would say to your part, I think this one is going to require, like a separate, separate little sit down conversation kind of thing. So you can say, like, I know that you've tried to make me orgasm in the past, but I didn't know what I liked. So there was no way that we were gonna be successful together. Like, I didn't set you up for success because I hadn't taken that time.

Or maybe just we weren't set up for success because I didn't know.

Yeah. So one of my specialties is orgasm. And one of the fundamental things that I teach is that we all need to figure out what our bodies respond to on our own and then share that information with our partner. So I know most of us, especially vulva owners, like, we want to have a partner who can just, like we were talking about earlier, read our mind and know exactly what to do and know us better than we know ourselves and just give us the orgasm. But that's not how it works. And it's too much pressure to put on a partner. So we need to take that responsibility of, like, this is my body. I've got to figure out what is it that works. So I'm so glad that this person did take that time. They did figure it out, and now they want to share it with their partner. So I would tell your partner, like I just said, we weren't really set up for success. But now I know what I like. I know that I can teach you. And I'm so excited for us to start exploring this Again, hell yeah.

Honestly, the way that this person wrote the question, it's pretty much there. Like, you could pretty much express that. Just add in a little excitement, because I think this should be fun. Like, I totally understand that you're a little scared or nervous to share this, because I can imagine it must have been hard in the past that, you know, you guys tried and it didn't work, and that. That can feel tough. It can feel defeating. But it is really exciting that you have a good idea of what you do want. You have a huge opportunity to get to do that with your partner and get vulnerable, get closer. Yeah. Get more pleasure. Like, this is awesome.

Yeah. So I. I think keep this light. Keep it excited and happy. Thank your partner for. For trying in the past and let them know. I think there is something powerful about just saying, like, I didn't really set you up for success because I didn't know myself. There was nothing that I could have told you, and it was unfair of me to hope that you could have figured it out on your own when I couldn't even have figured it out. Especially if there was any tension in the past or maybe the partner's feeling kind of defeated or, like, embarrassed that they weren't able to. Like, I think giving that kind of acknowledgment can be really powerful. But in general, I would keep this light and excited. Like, I figured it out. I'm so excited to share it with you. All right, well, that wraps up our examples. If you liked this episode, definitely come on over to Instagram anessamarin therapy, and let us know. Like I mentioned earlier, we got hundreds of responses, so we can definitely do another episode like this. It also inspired an idea for another episode that I think we're going to do at some point in the future called Is this your show or mine?

Oh.

Because we got a lot of examples of people saying, like, I want to tell my partner this. But as we were reading them over, Xander and I were like, I think that's more the person's thing. Yeah, it's like your own partners.

It's like your own insecurity, your own judgments, your own whatever. Yeah.

So I think that could be a very juicy, interesting little episode of, like, yeah, is this something that I put on my partner to figure out or deal with? Or is this something I gotta deal with myself?

Yeah. We could even can, like, vote on it, and then you can be like, my shit, your shit.

Ooh, I like it. We could get little signs made. Yeah, we'll have to do A video of that one.

Oh, yeah, we'll hold them down like my shit game show style.

But anyways, we hope that these examples, again, even if they're not the exact examples that you're going through, but that we gave you some ideas of how to communicate things. So I know some of the stuff that we talked about was giving lots of positive praise and feedback. Making direct requests.

Yeah. Figure out what you want first.

Figure out what you want, want. And one other thing that I'll say is, like, if there's something that you really want to share with your partner to the point where you filled out a question box on Instagram, figure out a way to share that thing with your partner. Because even if it feels challenging and you're still not quite sure what the words are, you need to share that with them because it's going to come out in one way or another.

Yeah.

You know, it's feeling that whether you want it to or not, you know it's going to come out. So take the time to figure out the words. Words and. And how you want to share it. I guess we can leave you with one final little tip, which is to put yourself in your partner's shoes and imagine that your partner was going to share this kind of feedback with you. What would you want to hear? It's kind of the. A little twist on the golden rule. No, wait.

The golden rule is that's basically the golden rule.

Treat others.

Yeah, treat others the way you would like to be treated.

I was just. I had, like, a total brain lapse, and I thought the golden rule was don't say anything. And, like, unless you have something nice to say.

Nah.

Which is a different rule. And I don't agree with that rule. But no, the golden rule. Treat others how you want to be treated. And I think it can work well for communication. Like, say things to other people in the way that you would want them said to you. So I doubt that anyone out there wants to hear stuff like, your date night doesn't do anything for emotional intimacy, you know, so take the time to, like, feel into. How would you want your partner to say? Say it. And you know what? I've got another bonus tip. All the bonus tips are just coming up to me at the end here. Now I'm like, on a brainstorming mode. Write it out. Yeah, when we rehearse it in our heads, a lot of times we just get very stuck and we can't figure.

It out or we jump over, like, key pieces and then we say it.

We're like, write it out. Gather your thoughts that way. Do it on a computer so you can like, easily move things around and like, oh, wait, no, it'd be better if I start with this and then I can move this over here. But just like take that time to write it out. And then, and then, even if you have a trusted friend, you could share that with them and say, hey, can I run this by you? Just let me know what kind of reaction you would have if you heard this right. So, okay, there are all my little last minute tips.

Wow.

But we have even more tips for you because we're giving away a little freebie with this episode, which is our golden rules of communication. We have a totally free PDF guide that walks you through some of our absolute favorite tips and techniques. Techniques. I guess we're. Yeah. Golden rule. There's a lot of golden rules coming up.

Unfortunately, Vanessa does agree with the golden.

Rule turns out these golden rules. So we will put a link to download that in the show notes.

All right, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about how to flirt with your partner.

Love it, Sam.