EPISODE 52: How To Get Your Man To Take Control In The Bedroom

The idea of somebody just taking control and letting you let go and relax and just be in the moment and not have to think about anything like that sounds really hot to me. Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Zander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had.

All right, we are recording episode 52.

Alrighty.

How to take control of the podcast.

You literally just spoiled my intro. I was gonna tell you, Xander, take control of this podcast.

Oh, but your job is the intro.

Well, now yours is. I want you to take control.

All right, baby. We're gonna do this podcast. We're gonna get down and dirty with this. With this sucker.

Sucker.

You ready to ride on the podcast train?

What do you think taking control is?

I don't know.

No, I'm actually glad that you opened it up that way because I was just sitting here thinking to myself, okay, how do I want to open this? Oh, I know. I'm going to ask him to take control of the podcast.

Funny. Funny.

And, yeah, so the point that we wanted to make is we're obviously going to be talking about taking control in this episode, but that isn't as clear as a lot of us think that it is. So if I was just to tell you, like, I want you to take control in the bedroom, what would that mean to you?

Well, let me describe a bit about how I used to react to this kind of question, because I think this used to create some friction between us. Absolutely. Yeah. In the past, I would have heard that and a lot of stuff would have gone through my head. I would have felt like, ooh, I don't know if I feel good about taking control. I'm not sure I know fully what that means. I would probably start engaging in some very black and white thinking of, like, oh, my God, is she telling me that I need to always be the boss in the bedroom? Is that who I am as a person? Is she really? Maybe she's looking for something that's not exactly what I'm offering. It would have kind of felt like a bit of an identity crisis, perhaps.

Wow.

And I maybe would have pushed back. Back on that request? I don't know. It just. Yeah, it definitely brings up some challenging feelings in the past, and we definitely got into our fair share of arguments around that, I think.

In the past, do you think you ever had a sense of, like, the specific things that I would have wanted you to do in the moment? Like, I hear you talking about how it brought up, like, identity challenges for you of, like, how big does this stretch and how much control and how often. But, like, do you think you even knew the specific things in the moment that I would have wanted you to do, like, during sex?

Well, no. I mean, if you were asking, if you were telling me, I want you to take control of the. In the bedroom and that's all you were saying, then. No, I wouldn't know from that question. I wouldn't know exactly what it is that you're asking me for.

Yeah. This is such an interesting topic because we'll get into polls in a minute here, but I think a lot of people want their partner to take control in the bedroom. And I think in particular, when it comes to male and female couples, that women really want men to take more control. And it seems kind of like a simple, straightforward thing, like, I just want you to take control. And I can remember experiences from earlier in our relationship where I would say that to you and. And I would feel that pushback from you and think, like, why is he pushing back against this? It's not a big deal. I'm not asking for much. Like, just take control.

And I can imagine that this idea that, oh, well, my partner should take control, it baked into that. I could see the assumption that, well, I shouldn't have to tell you what it is because I want you to do it. I want you to figure it out and you to take over it. So I shouldn't have to give you any more detail.

Oh, yeah, for sure. It's like, yeah, it doesn't feel like you taking control if I have to tell you what to do to take control. So we are going to get all into this thorny issue today. This is a lot more complex than it sounds.

Yeah. I mean, this goes back to. It just reminded me of the episode we recorded. Like, if you have to ask for it, does it even count?

Oh, yeah.

It's the exact same concept here, but now we're getting really into specifically taken control.

Yeah. So if you are wanting your partner to take more control in the bedroom, or if your partner has told you that they want you to take more control, then you absolutely need to keep listening to this episode.

Yeah. But first we're going to do, per usual, our review of the week. Now, this week's review of the week, I've been told, is quite good. So good, in fact, that in our little notes document here, I. Our team has put it behind a toggle. A toggle. An expanding section. So I can't even see it until I click this little arrow.

Yeah, go for it.

So I'm. I'm excited. I'm gonna. I'm gonna click. Let's see here. Oh, it's. It's long. Okay. Wet Eternity. Do you know what that I do remember? God, this was. Sony. Wait, was this from the.

It's in the first sentence.

Oh, yeah. Oh, the dry spell episode. Yes, that's right. That's right. Wet facts, I think is what I said.

You said wet. We were trying to come up with the.

Not F A X, but what's the.

Opposite of a dry spell?

Yeah, I. I said wet fact. F ax.

Wet Eternity. Like, wow, doesn't that sound like a. Maybe a perfume for men or something like that? Hey, Eternity.

I mean, that could be good. Who doesn't want just a eternal wetness?

Okay.

All right. So the title of this review is Wet Eternity. That's the opposite of a dry spell. And that is what this podcast has done for my marriage. And then two Wave Emo. Great. That wet. Okay. Vanessa and Xander not only normalize, talking about sex and sex issues, but they have reminded me that relationships can be star eyes and laughing Cry. Laughing face. And party. Party blowing. The. Oh, my God. What is that? What is Little, like, party horn blower thing. That kazoo.

Like, what does the kazoo sound like?

That. Actually.

That actually was kind of good.

That was good. I didn't know I had that in me.

No, that's not a kazoo is like, it's hard plastic all the way through. But this one is like the ones that unroll.

Yeah. They curl up and you blow it and it goes kind of. Right.

Yeah.

What are those called? God.

Oh, yeah.

Who knows? A little party blower. Yeah. So relationships can be all of those things, even when working through hard things. My husband and I have been together for 12 years, and our sex life over the past year since we started two ear emojis. I can only assume that means listening is the best it's ever been. I'm not exaggerating when I say pillow talks has given us the language and skills to articulate our concerns, needs, and desires. Thank you. Thank you, Vanessa and Xander. You two are doing a plus in emojis work saving the world as an emoji. One sexual relationship at a time. On a scale of 1 to 5, you guys get sixes across the board. Woo. Oh, boy. Xander, here's a riddle for you. What happens when you eat aluminum foil? Yashit metal. Wow. Thank you so much for the riddle. If you have no idea what we're talking about, you're gonna have to go back and watch the dry spell episode where, yeah, you know, the next step in the review of the week is just your riddle. Riddle of the week for me to solve. But, you know, I guess the problem is they gave the answer right below.

Yes.

So, you know, I didn't really have a chance to solve it myself, but Yashi metal. I'm pretty bad at solving these kind of things.

I don't think you would've gotten that one.

Yeah. But yes, Sheet metal. That's good.

You sheet metal.

Thanks.

You're saying. Yeah, weird you. But anyways, thank you. This is a delightful review, truly wonderful. And we really appreciate your reviews so much. It helps the podcast grow and reach new couples. And we do a review of the week giveaway every week. So if you're picked once you write a review in Apple Podcasts, you're entered every week. Going forward. If your review is picked, then you can DM us on Instagram and send us a question and we will send you back a free personalized coaching session as our way of saying thank you for the reviews. All right, so let's get into today's episode. So we just want to give a little bit of a heteronormative alert before we get too much more into this. Like, we did want to talk specifically about male female relationships in this episode because this is such a common dynamic that comes up in those relationships. Like, we put a bunch of polls up on Instagram and we found 97% of women want their male partner to take control in the bedroom. And we checked and that is officially the highest poll response we have ever received. 97%, pretty much everybody. Every woman wants her partner to control the bedroom. So that's why we wanted to focus this episode specifically on male female partnerships.

However, I would venture guess that a lot of the dynamics we're going to talk about still do apply in, you know, a relationship where there's a clearly identified, like top or bottom type relationship or, you know, more masculine role, more feminine identified role in a relationship. So I think that these dynamics pretty much work across those. So, you know, if you identify that way in your relationship, I Think what we're going to talk about is going to be pretty applicable.

Yeah. Okay, so we will teach you how to get your man to take control in the bedroom. But we've got to start with some other stuff first because here's the thing, this is often not a fair request to make and it can even perpetuate negative or problematic dynamics in the bedroom. So here's one of the main reasons why 97% of women want men to take control in the bedroom. It's because we are afraid to take control ourselves.

Zing.

So as women, you know, we've been socialized to not be like too dominant, not want sex too much. Like there are so many rules of what we are and are not allowed to do do when it comes to sex in order to avoid being labeled as slutty or promiscuous or a bad.

Girl or just like aggressive, sort of like these anti feminine descriptions.

I think a lot of us learn to be much more subtle and even submissive with our sexuality. Like we want the man to lead because we've been also been taught that like, that's the man's role. Right. It's like he's more assertive, he's dominant, he's the aggressor, he's the one initiating and moving things along for a lot of us women. And I can even speak to this from personal experience. Like, there have been so many times in my own sex life where I just wanted the guy to take the lead. Like, just take the lead, just take control. Like, come on. And if I, if I really think back to it, it did come from a place of like, I felt afraid to take that myself. Whether it was, I didn't want to come on too strong, I wanted him to like, get that feeling of being masculine and in control or like I literally didn't even know what I wanted. It was just this sort of vague sense of like, well, you take the lead, like you, you tell us what we're going to do and when and how. Because I feel insecure or unconfident.

Yeah, that, I mean, that brought up an interesting question for me. You kind of halfway answered it and saying that where often you said that you didn't feel like you, like you didn't know what you wanted. But I do wonder, were there ever times where that desire for your partner to take control, whether that was me or someone else, did you in some of those situations, like know what you wanted or be like, you kind of had some things that you wish you could express, but then you were like, oh, I can't do this. So just you figure it out.

I think it's sort of like half and half. There were certain times, I think for me, like, earlier in my sex life, I really wanted the guy to be the one to make the first move, like, to go in for the kiss or to, like, kind of move things along for us having sex for the first time. And so there were some times where I remember sort of sitting and thinking, like, come on, just kiss me. Just kiss me. Or, like, take my clothes off or whatever. But I think just as often, I didn't know what I wanted. It was just this vague sense of, like, I want you to, like, take control and show me. And, like, you do it, you know? So it. Even honestly thinking back on it right now, like, it feels so confusing. I feel confusion in this moment because it's like, yeah, what is it that I was wanting? I don't really know if I can identify it a lot of the time.

Yeah. I mean, I wonder if it's just, like, wanting to avoid awkwardness because, like, there's. It's like, the dual awkwardness of, like, you having to assume a sort of a gender role that doesn't feel comfortable to you, but also the awkwardness of, like, things not progressing in the moment, you know, Like, I think that we, with sex, we have a very low awkwardness threshold where we're like. We're like, oh, there's clearly some sexual energy between us, and things aren't going in this direction that we assume that they should. So, like, something's gotta happen and it can't be me that does it.

Yeah, I think a lot of times, too, what came up for me, and this definitely came up for me, like, in stages of our relationship, I wanted to feel desired and wanted because I was dealing with my own lack of confidence. Right. And so it was like, I don't want to have to address that on my own. I want you to, like, prove to me that I'm desirable and I'm wanted. And so you, like, taking control was a way that you could show me that you wanted me. But again, it feels like this very vague thing that I was wanting. And it's like I'm asking a bigger question, like, do you still desire me? Do you want me? But I'm just putting it in this tiny box of, like, you have to take the lead during sex. It's, like, not an efficient way to get at that central issue that was coming up for me.

Yeah, I mean, I think being on the Receiving end of that. You get this idea of, oh, well, if you're saying this is how I need to prove to you that I want you, it feels scary because you're like, well, this feels like really the only way then that I can prove it. Because I could do a hundred other things in other non sexual areas to show you how much I love you, how much I want you.

Yeah.

And if I can't do this, it's like it negates all those other things and then that's when. I mean, I can feel that that sort of black and white, all or nothing type of thinking. It comes up so quickly because you're like, shit. Like, what's the point of doing any of this other stuff if she's not feeling it in bed? Or if I am not in this moment not feeling capable of delivering on that.

Yeah, I know we talked about some of these dynamics in the episode. I want you to want me. So go listen to that one. After you listen to try spells and after you listen to this one, just.

Like listen to all the episodes. Is that so much? I mean, if you haven't listened to every single one in order, just start at the beginning. Take the whole weekend. I don't even. I don't even know. Are there enough hours in the whole weekend to do 52?

About 52 hours, yeah.

That's a. I mean, yeah, if you don't sleep, which is pretty normal, just podcast that shit.

Wow, he's feeling sassy today. He's taking control. I'm telling you what to do. This is one of the problems of telling somebody to take control. We'll talk about this in a minute.

You might not like what they suggest.

Exactly. They might do it in the wrong way because I do not like this. Bossy pants. Xander is telling me to listen to the whole episode and never sleep. But I think the bottom line is asking the man to always be in control also plays into really outdated stereotypes and gender roles. So I think a lot of us, like, we want to get away from stereotypes in other areas of our lives, but we're still perpetuating them in the bedroom. Like, I think we have the sense of like, oh, well, a real man is supposed to be dominant or assertive or aggressive, like taking control in the bedroom. You know, for a lot of these days, we're growing up in a really different time where we are looking at these older gender stereotypes and roles in a different sort of way. And I know, I've heard from a lot of clients in my private practice that they feel really confused about, like. Well, my partner wants me to be this, like, progressive feminist man outside of the bedroom, but then we get into the bedroom and she wants me to be like a caveman.

Yeah.

Feels confusing.

Yeah. And not only that, it's not just. Just, oh, well, she wants me to be this way and then she wants me to be a different way. It's also an identity issue. Like, I can speak from my own experience where I grew up, feeling like I didn't want to be this alpha bro, aggressive man. That wasn't who I felt like I was. I felt like I was a kind person that wanted to, you know, sort of have equality. Equality is a weird word to use, but just like to feel like my sex life with my future partner, future wife, was going to be this, you know, kind of equal. Yeah. Respectful equal, give and take thing. I never envisioned myself as being this, like, ultra masculine, take charge in the bedroom type. And so, yeah, I just never identified with that.

And yeah, I mean, I think we've talked before about how there can be confusion for a lot of men around, like, yeah, I'm trying to be polite. I'm trying to be respectful. I've learned so much more about consent and how important that is. I'm trying to get away from that, like, alpha bro guy who just, like, takes what he wants, wants and does what he wants, you know, that kind of stuff. But it's like, then you get the sense from your partner of, like, but I kind of want you to be that way in the bedroom.

Yeah, Yeah. I mean, the other example I would give is like, I think about when I was in college and kind of experimenting more sexually and forming these identities and ideas of what I did and didn't want. And you'd see a lot of different people who behave in a lot of different ways. And there was kind of this stereotype of, like, you know, all the football players at school were, like, really masculine and, like, really, like, bossy with. With girls and kind of like, taking what they want in the way. That felt really gross. And I remember just, you know, you'd go out to a party and, like, see, like, oh, those football players are really aggressive. And it's like, we'd, like, we'd all kind of talk shit about that. And, like, girls would talk shit about it. My guy friends and I would talk shit about it. It was like, that's not who we wanted to be. That's not who I aspired to be. And so when I had any experience of somebody asking me to Be more that way. It was this scary, like, wait, does she really want me for me or she really just looking for one of those, like, bros?

Yeah. And I think there just also are some men who just straight up don't like being dominant or aggressive. And so I know I've worked with a lot of those men in my private practice of saying, like, I just don't want to be that kind of person at all. I'm not that way outside of the bedroom. I'm not that way inside of the bedroom. Like, even if my partner wants it really badly, like, that's not who I am and that's not like, where I'm willing to be. So I think the bottom line, there are obviously like a lot of complex dynamics wrapped all up in this, but I think the bottom line is that it's just too much pressure to put on your partner to, like, be the one who's always in control. Unless you have a specific agreed upon arrangement where you're both really into it. And like, yes, this works for us. He's always in control. She's always submissive. Like, that works for us. We like it totally fine. You know, you guys do you. But in general, for most people, I think it's too much pressure. And so there are a coup. Different potential reactions that can come up for a guy if he's being told, I need you to take control. So one is he kind of gets overwhelmed and doesn't really do anything. Which is a tactic you have used in the past.

Yeah, I think. I mean, it's. Yeah, being overwhelmed. I think that's something that most people can relate with. This is akin to. We hear a lot of feedback from women who are like, oh, I asking him to do all these chores and he keeps saying he's going to do them and then like, it just doesn't happen. I think this is that dynamic.

Yeah, the kind of stick your head in the sand and maybe they'll stop asking for it at some point. So that's a reaction that can come up. Some men get argumentative and will say, like, okay, well, I tried to do that last time, but you turned me down. And I think that it kind of ties into this third one, which is that he might try to take control and then do in quotes the wrong thing.

Yeah, you might feel like, oh, well, I told him to take control, but then he took control in a way that didn't feel good. So I said, no, don't do that. And in that case, technically, he actually did exactly what you asked.

Yes, okay, so here's an example. Example of this. Like, let's say that you are listening to this episode. It's Monday evening. You're cooking dinner for the family. Not to do another, like, outdated stereotype that the woman's always the one cooking. In our relationship, Xander does all the cooking. But let's just say for the sake of this example, you're cooking, you've got, like, three or four pans on the stove top. Things are almost.

Timing is critical.

Yes. And let's say your partner comes up behind you and grabs you and starts dragging you into the bedroom. How are you gonna feel in that moment? You're probably gonna want to tell your partner, like, no, not right now.

Or like, yeah, what are you thinking?

Exactly. Okay, so then, Xander, let's say this was us. In this example, I've told you to be more dominant and take more control, and then you do it. And in the moment, I say, no, not like that.

Well, I mean, honestly, I'm just gonna be like. In my head, I'm gonna be like, well, that was bullshit. Like, that's obviously not what she really wanted. And I'm just not going to take that very seriously anymore because I tried it and she told me, no, not like that.

Yeah, that's a really painful experience to like, to try to do something for your partner. And especially if you're a guy who's, like, not really very dominant or aggressive normally.

Oh, yeah, you go out on a limb.

You go out on a limb, you're really vulnerable. You go grab her in this way, you think she's gonna, like. Because she's asked you for that, and she shoots you down like, no, not like that. Not in that way.

Oh, yeah, I'd be. This isn't really who I want to be. It's not who I feel I am. I tried to do. I really put myself out there, and then she kind of pushed me away. So now I feel like not only did I betray, like, who I feel like I am inside, but I also kind of feel ashamed because he told me, no, not like that. So I just feel like, yeah, this is. This is not. I don't want to wade into this territory anymore.

Yeah. So I, like, I just don't think that you can give your partner this blanket get statement of, like, I want you to take more control. Unless you are willing to let them take control the exact ways and moments that they want to, which honestly doesn't sound like a very safe sex life to have. Like.

Yeah, if you. If you say you gotta Take control. Then you also have to be willing to cede your own control.

Yeah. And that. That may not feel safe to you at all to say. Like, yeah, okay, I'm gonna let my partner literally do what they want with me whenever they want with me. Like, I don't think most people would willingly choose to have that sex life for themselves. So. Yeah. I mean, I think it's just having these blanket statements like that, like, really sets your partner up for failure, not being specific about what it is that you want. Like, it's unfair to your partner and can even be dangerous or feel unsafe in the moment.

Yeah. I mean, because that sets you up for failure as well. Like, everyone's getting set up for failure.

Yeah. So there's one kind of little wrinkle to this that we wanted to discuss too. Like, when we put polls up on Instagram, we got a lot of messages from people about this interesting relationship between mental load and taking control. So why don't you read one of the quotes that somebody sent over to us?

All right, so this one was, I have a more dominant personality and take control in most daily aspects. House to do lists, et cetera. I want him to take control by initiating and being more dominant and aggressive and wanting me physically. I feel the need to be in the driver's seat everywhere else. So I think it's extra fun when he takes control.

Yeah. And somebody else said, I'm mentally overloaded outside of the bedroom. I refuse to take control in the bedroom. So if you haven't heard us talk about mental load, we also have an episode about that to add to your cue. I think it was one of the really early ones, but I think in most relationships, it's the woman who's carrying the majority of the mental load. And there are obviously, like, a lot of women out there who are feeling very overwhelmed. They have so much on their plate. So, like, it's totally understandable if you're carrying all this load and you just, like, want your partner to take control of something. Like, I'm in control of everything. Like, please just take control of something.

Yeah. I think we hear from a lot of people being like, well, it's just. It's. The least you could do. The least he could do is just do this.

And you know what? That reminds me of what I was sharing with you about, like, kind of my lack of compassion with you when we were in the penis performance issues episode. Yet another one to add to the queue. But in that one, I was talking about, like. Like, I used to have this belief of, like, can't you just perform? Like, it's the least you can do?

Yeah. I mean, that feels so. It feels so hurtful to be on the receiving end of that because you just feel totally alone and unseen.

Absolutely. So, like, yeah, we can empathize with both partners here. Like, we can empathize with the woman who might be so overloaded and overwhelmed, and it's just like, please, you just take control of something. And we can emphasize with the man of, like. Like, it's really tough to hear your partner just make that statement, you know, make that general request of you. But I think the reality is, like, if we can talk directly to the woman here, like, if you're in control of everything and you're so overwhelmed that you're literally saying, I refuse to take control of the bed in the bedroom, the reality is that you're probably pretty miserable being in control of everything in your life. So rather than just trying to, like, throw your entire sex life off onto your partner, a much better solution for the two of you is going to be to share the mental load inside and outside of the bedroom. Like, it's not fair for you to be carrying all the mental load outside of the bedroom, and it's not fair for your partner to have to carry all the mental load inside of the bedroom. Like, you've got to be able to share those.

Yeah. Because even if your partner were to take perfect control over your sex life and you are so overwhelmed and exhausted by the household mental load that you currently have, like, are you even gonna be in a place to show up very well for your sex life? Like, probably not. Like, that's.

I don't. Yeah. You know, I think that a lot of women have this fantasy, and it's. You know, It's a very 50 shades of gray type of thing. A lot of women reference that in our Instagram polls. Like, just take me, like Christian Gray. We sort of have this fantasy that, oh, if I had the right partner who was just super sexy and dominant and knew how to take control, like, I.

He could always convince me I could.

Like, let go of control and I could just let myself be, like, ravaged by him in the moment.

No matter how exhausted, no matter how tired, no matter if I'm in the middle of cooking dinner for everyone and everything's gonna burn if he takes me away to the sex dungeon.

It's such a fantasy for us, but I think the reality is, like, if you really put yourself in these specific moments throughout your day and imagine your partner trying to take control in that moment. For most of us, the reaction is gonna be resistance. Like, like, no, I'm making dinner. Hell no.

I'm.

I'm doing the laundry, I'm folding the clothes, I'm putting the kids to sleep. Like, what are you even doing? Trying to initiate with me in the moment. So it's so interesting to examine that just how different that fantasy that we have is from the reality of, like, what would happen the majority of the time.

Yeah. And I think the other. The other kind of alternate element of this mental load and taking control thing is that there's a very common confusion that gets made where you. You think of initiating sex as a similar type of household responsibility or chore as, like, all the other things. And so it can be very easy to fall prey to this idea of, oh, well, I'm doing these 10 things in the house, and you're only doing these two things. So if we just add on the initiating sex, then that will help balance it a little bit. But here's the thing. I think there's a big difference between. Between chores or household responsibilities and then relationship responsibilities, such as initiating sex. And here's the big difference. Like, with household responsibilities, you actually don't have to do those things. Like, you could stop doing them. Your household might kind of fall apart a little bit. You can get help. You can get outside help with them. You can outsource them. You can pay someone to do them them for you. Most people don't do that. But, like, in theory, if you had unlimited resources, you could literally outsource all of your household responsibilities. But you cannot outsource your sex life. You can't outsource initiating sex. So it is really not. You can't make the comparison between, like, washing the dishes and initiating sex. Like, they're two very different things.

Absolutely. Yeah. And I think the bottom line is just it can't be one partner's responsibility to be in control of your entire sex life. Like, it' just too much pressure. It's not going to lead to a sex life that feels particularly intimate or satisfying or connecting. And yeah, again, I think it's such an interesting question to ask ourselves of, like, you know, if I want my partner to take control, could I really allow myself to give up control in those moments? I think for a lot of us, the answer is no.

Yeah. And it just doesn't feel very good that only one person does one of these major relationships, responsibilities, or relationship maintenance things or whatever you want to call it. Like, especially when it comes to Initiating sex, even if, you know, one partner initiates, most of the time, it feels really good to feel wanted by the other partner every now and then, at the very least.

Yeah.

Like, you know, if you. If I'm initiating a hundred percent of the time, I start getting thoughts creeping into my mind of, does she really even want this? If I didn't initiate, would she ever want sex? Like, is this a totally.

Sex I was talking about earlier is, like, so many women, we want our partner to take control because we want to feel wanted, but we don't take that time to think about, like, well, isn't this something my partner probably wants too? Like, he wants to feel wanted as well. Oh, you got me. Please. You get so tender when we talk about that. It is really interesting. I think so many women don't realize how badly their male partners want to be wanted.

I mean, it gets back to that. This idea of just like, oh, guys just want it all the time. Every day, 24 7, they're ready to go. And it's like, well, no, we also. We want to be wanted. We want validation. We want love. We want all those things just as much as you do.

Very tender, very sweet. Okay. All of that being said, I also want to acknowledge that having one partner be in control during sex, it absolutely is fun.

Oh, I can say that from experience, too. When you take control, it can be very fun. When I take control, it can be very fun. Yes.

So it has to be a shared responsibility. So if you are willing in your relationship to share that responsibility, we will give you tips for how to play with control in the bedroom. Because it can be very fun. We both enjoy it and share it.

Share does not mean 50. 50 either.

Yeah, exactly. Okay, so the first step is you've got to take responsibility for figuring out what taking control actually means to you. So we put up a poll on Instagram, and we said, what does it mean when you want your partner to take control? What is it that you want them to do specifically? And even though we asked, tell us the specifics, we got so many generic responses. So we'll read to you a few of them. One of them was in all caps. Run the show, Order me to do anything and everything, and I'll comply. Make me feel wanted and needed. He should at least make the first move.

I want him to completely dominate me and do whatever he wants. And then, like, Vanessa was already referring to, I want him to take me Christian Grey style.

Oh, yeah. So many 50 shades of grey references. So, yeah, we already talked a little Bit about, like, how much pressure this puts on men to, like, one, not know exactly what your partner means by taking control, but also that you miss out on this sense of. Of, like, feeling wanted and prioritized by your partner as well. So I think it's really important for us women to take the time to feel into the details of what it is that you want. Like, telling your partner, run the show or make me feel wanted. Like, what does that actually mean to you? Like, you need to give your partner specific things that they can do.

Yeah. Because if your partner is not immediately on board with that very general request, all they need to do to start ignoring it or brush it aside is to think of one situation where they know that that won't really work. Of, like, oh, well, I did try to run the show last week, and you made fun of me, so screw this.

So then, yeah, step two kind of falls right in from step one is that you have to tell your partner what you want and when you want it so you can.

The when, not when I'm in the middle of cooking dinner.

Yes. So, yeah, you can't expect your partner to guess. And even. Even if it feels really clear to you, like, I can imagine a woman listening to this episode and saying, like, I have three pots on the stove. Of course it's not a good time. Like, what do you think is going to happen to the food? It's going to burn. We're not going to be able to eat. But I can imagine a man thinking.

Just turn those things. Turn the stove off.

Yeah, she could turn the stoves off. Or, like, wouldn't she feel really wanted that? Like, I can't even wait for her to finish dinner. I need to have her right in that moment. Right. So it's like, it's just so easy for couples to have different interpretations of things. So again, even. Even if it seems really obvious to you, you still have to spell it out for your partner. You have to tell them, like, I don't want to be interrupted when I'm in the middle of doing something. But, like, you know, I would love for you to initiate this way or do this thing or, you know, whatever it is. Bottom line is it's your responsibility to ask for what you want. You can't just give these general blanket statements of, like, just be in control. Like, you have to figure out what that means and share that with your partner.

Yeah. I mean, and also along with that is that you. You may need to take some responsibility for making some time or space for that initiation. To happen. Because I can imagine in. In the scenario of, like, the cooking dinner or whatever, you'd be like, okay, well, obviously, you shouldn't be initiating sex when I'm in the middle of cooking dinner. And your partner might be like, we don't have any other time to ourselves. Like, when do you actually. When do you actually want me to do it? So it's like I hear you saying, I would like you to do this when these five things are not happening. But if I'm thinking about it, like, when are these five things. Five things not happening? And we're together.

Okay, so next we want to give you, like, some specific areas where you can play with control. Because I can imagine a lot of people listening to this and, like, I don't know the specifics. Like, what are the options? Where do I even start? So, okay, a huge one is initiating, so you can give your partner the specific ways that you want sex to be initiated. So do you want them to push you up against the wall? Do you want them to grab you and pull you into the bedroom?

And I think the interesting thing about this is when we are giving our partner specific ways that you want something to be initiated, in reality, you are actually both taking some control, because you are taking control for identifying what ways you would like to be initiated with and then communicating that. And then your partner, in turn, gets to take responsibility for executing on that. So in reality, like, you're both getting your needs met. Like, you know, you're each sharing some control over that. It's just a matter of when that control is being exerted. You are initially taking some control by saying, this is how I'd like you to do it. And then your partner gets to go out and do that in the right moment.

Yes. But I think also, like, both partners still need to initiate.

Oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely. This is. This is just meant to be like a, you know. Oh, here, let's talk about some ways that you could take some more control in certain situations. And then hopefully, you're having the same conversation in the converse with. Where you're talking about, you know, you're letting your male partner say, hey, these are some ways that I would love for you to take some control sometimes.

Yeah. Also, you want to give your partner, like, specific times to initiate or times that are off the table for initiation. So we actually have an Initiation 101 masterclass where we walk you through specific ways to initiate and how to even consider your partner's initiation when they do. So we'll link to that in Our show notes. But initiation is a huge area to play around with control. Another one is communication, bossy language with your partner or some dirty talk. We also have a guide to that which we will link to in the show notes.

Man, this is really just the podcast episode where we tell you to listen to a bunch of other podcasts and buy a bunch of awesome things.

We have a lot of different products that are all related to this topic.

Should we just name it? Like the podcast episode where we tell you to listen to other podcast episodes?

Yeah, that sounds like a really compelling title. I'm sure people would love to call it.

Wait, how about this? The podcast episode where we take control and tell you to listen to other podcast episodes and to buy our stuff and to buy our stuff. Like a boss.

Love it. Okay. You can also play around with who gets pleasured. So you could have interactions where it's like, okay, you're the boss, you're taking control tonight and you are only going to pleasure me. Or it could be, you're the boss, you're taking control and you're the only one who, who gets pleasure. Like, you're bossing me around, telling me what to do to you, that kind of thing. So lots of different ways to play with that. And it could also be around guiding the interaction in the moment. So it could be like what activity you're going to do and when, moving you into different positions. We also have a sex position playbook.

Oh, yeah, let's find all the tie ins.

So those are some ways to play around with that control. One other final note that we wanted to make about this is a lot of us want our partner to take control so that we can just like turn our brain off and just be in the moment.

This is kind of like the Christian Grey thing, but it's like we have to actually arrange for the situation to be right.

Yeah. I mean, I think this ties back a lot to the mental load aspect of it. If you're carrying so much mental load and you just feel like you're always in your head, you have a million things that you're thinking about at any time given time. Like the idea of somebody just taking control and letting you let go and relax and just be in the moment and not have to think about anything like that sounds really hot to me. You know, so undeniably a sexy thing to do. So we don't want to like say that you can never have moments like that. But again, it's just about making little tweaks so that you're Sharing the responsibility and not putting too much pressure on one partner. So one way to do that, this is to make a specific plan beforehand, like Xander was saying. So the two of you agree on the day and the time that you're gonna do this. You can come up with a cute name for this of, like, I get to be queen for the night or king for the night or whatever it is. You can list what's on and off the table so you could tell your partner, like, I want to have a night where I'm queen for the night. And you just, like, rub and kiss and touch my entire body. And, like, we don't do anything else. It's like you just worshiping every inch of me. You know, you could say stuff like, so set up with your partner what you want, what would feel really good for you. And then you can always do a swap. Like, maybe one week I get to have my queen for a night week, and the next week you get to have your king for the night week or whatever it is. So you can still have that experience of being able to turn off your brain, just be in the moment, but you're doing it in a way that you feel like a team, a partnership, rather than just like, just take control. So the bottom line is that telling your partner that you want them to be in control, it's just too broad. It's confusing. It sets you guys up for failure, and there are just so many reasons why it doesn't really work. And we really think that you might be surprised at how hot sex can be if you're both assertive and you both take a little bit of control and responsibility instead of just putting it all on one person.

All right, should we do a couple listener questions?

Yeah, let's do it.

All right. First one is, can asking him to be more in control put pressure on him and affect. Affect his performance?

Oh, actually, I'm going to turn that one around and ask you to answer that.

Oh, I was going to say. Let me. Let me answer this. I. I can say from experience, absolutely. Especially if you're someone or, you know, especially if I am someone. Like, kind of like, as a man, if you're. If your male partner is someone that may not identify with, like, always taking control in the bedroom, if that is sort of not his go to identity, it can. Can absolutely put pressure on. And I think the more general the request, the more pressure that gets put on you because you feel like, you know, in the moment, you're. You're trying to. You're trying to fulfill this request. And you're always thinking, huh, is this me? Am I doing this right? Is she enjoying it? So it's like you're hyper focused on. Are you doing it right? Is she enjoying herself? Is she enjoying herself more than she usually does? Like, you're looking for signs like, are you doing this for Right? That can be distracting. And it can be very easy to have male performance issues when you're. You're not focused on your. Your own body and your own experience at all. You're totally focused on the other person's experience. And on the flip side, if you're feeling kind of like, out of integrity with who you are, then your body, you know, maybe in your mind, you're like, oh, no, I want to do this because I want to, you know, I want to show her. But, you know, you can think that way in your brain, but your. Your body can still just shut things down and be like, nope, this doesn't actually feel good inside. And you can't keep suppressing this feeling, so we're just gonna suppress it for you. And there goes your erection.

Is that the exact noise that it makes in the moment?

It goes.

Are you trying to do the sad violin thing or sad trombone violin? Wow.

Beautiful. That's it. That's exactly what it sounds like.

Wow. Sad penis.

Penis.

He's got penis problems. What was your penis problems song?

Oh, God.

I was like, penis problems?

Yeah.

All right, let's move on.

All right, next question is, he wants me to lead, but I'm not interested in sex unless he's taking charge. What do I do?

Okay, well, we wanted to include this one because hopefully by the time you have listened to this episode, you will start to change your mind about taking charge during sex and what. What it means. So I think that it would be great for the two of you to play around with maybe some small baby steps that you can take towards being in the lead. Like, I think a lot of times when we tell our partner we want them to be in control, and then when we think of ourselves being in control, like, we go to these extremes, but instead, could you just start thinking about, like, what are little ways that you could take the lead? Like, maybe it's you initiating. Maybe if you. If you never have before or if you don't do it very often, like, doing it a bit, little, little bit more frequently, but, you know, some other things that you could do, like suggesting a position in the moment, or you just taking the initiative and, you know, doing something to your partner in the moment, but do little baby steps. Bottom line is sorry that you're not interested. And if. Unless he's taking charge, like, it's just not a fair dynamic to have in your relationship.

Yeah. And I think with this one, especially if you guys are really deep into that dynamic and you are butting heads, you know, you might need to do some couples therapy sessions to try to just talk through, like, what is going on on for each of you and create some shared understanding between you two.

And also maybe just go back to the section of this episode where Xander was talking about, like, what it feels like for him to feel wanted and desired and to have me take control and even go and listen to the I want you to want me episode, too. I think that might help change your mind a little bit.

All right, so next one. How to rid yourself of assuming you aren't as good at sex as he is. So he should lead. I wonder if this may be in the prior question. You know, she wrote, he wants me to lead. I wonder if he might be feeling that way. Like, well, oh, I'm just not so experienced. So you do it.

Yeah. I think this is another reason why we want our partner to take the lead. It's like, oh, I feel like I'm not very good at it. So, like, you just do it. But I think the bottom line is to recognize that, you know, sex is not, like, a skills competition. I don't even know how you would rank, like, who's better at sex? You know?

Like, yeah, I think. I mean, I think that we have some really poor metrics that we. That we use, such as the number of sexual partners that you've had in the past.

Nothing to do with how good you are.

Oh, no. And. And between guys, it might be like, oh, like, how many. Or, you know, how many girls have I made orgasm? And, like, spoiler alert, half of those are more probably fake, you know? So, like, there's a lot of metrics of. Or, like, oh, you know, what activities has this person bragged about doing in the past? Like, oh, some of those might be just bragging and not really real. So I think there's a lot of ideas of my partner is way more experienced than I am.

But, like, the sex Olympics, like, what would be that. What would be the different games in that. Let us know on Instagram. DM us and let us know what would be in the sex Olympics. But anyways, like, you're. I think you're being a little too hard on yourself. Like, you're. It's not that you're not good at sex. You don't need to compare yourself. Yourself is like, your partner's better at sex than you are. And this could be a really great conversation for the two of you to have. As you can tell them, like, I listened to this episode. I want us to be able to share that responsibility with each other and be teammates. And I just find myself feeling really self conscious about it. So have this conversation about. About it with your partner. And also, we do have a ton of guides and courses that will help increase your confidence. We even have a supercharger confidence in the bedroom master class class.

Yeah, we do.

I think I might be able to find a way to. To include every course that we have in this episode.

That's incredible. I love it.

But you'll link to that too.

Another little reframe for you if you're finding yourself really stuck in this. Oh, I'm not very good at it is like, who cares how good at sex you are or you were before your relationship? The goal in your relationship should be you guys each have a shared responsibility of becoming as good, as good at sex as possible with each other. Who cares how good at sex you were with someone else? Like, you're not, you're not. They're not there with you. Yeah, right. And the reality is our bodies are all different, you know, especially in heterosexual couples. Like, a guy being with another woman in the past, even if he gave her a lot of real orgasms, whatever that sort of skill was or that technique was, there is really no guarantee at all that that's going to translate to. To, you know, to you. All right. And then finally, what do I do? If my partner is generally very gentle and kind, it's just hard for me to see them in any other way.

So from this question, I wasn't clear if this person wants their partner to take more control in the bedroom.

I think so. Or it might be like this very often happens on Instagram. I think people see a question, like a prompt about taking control and they go, oh, my God. Like, should they be taking control? Maybe they're not doing enough. Oh, but they're really gentle and kind. Oh, oh, my God. What do we do?

Yeah. So if it's that you don't care about your partner taking more control, like, the point of this episode is not to tell you your partner should be taking more control. So that's fine if you do want them to take control, but you, you know, just see them as a very gentle and kind person. I think what that speaks to is like, we each have to find our own individual ways that we like ourselves taking control and our partner taking control. Like, Xander is a very gentle and kind person as well.

Thanks.

You know, but there are definitely ways that we've discovered that can really take control and be assertive in the bedroom and, like, in ways that really turn me on. Ways that feel really good and authentic and kind of like confidence building to him. Oh, yeah, the sound effects today. So, yeah, it's all about finding, like, what works for the two of you rather than feeling like you have to play these roles of Christian Grey or in the Alpha, bro. So, I mean, I hope that that's really what we've drilled home in this episode is when we put these blanket statements on each other, these blanket requests, it doesn't leave room for us to feel authentic and like ourselves. It makes us feel like we have to play a role, but we absolutely don't. Like, the whole point of sex is finding ways to experience connection and pleasure and satisfaction in ways that feel like you. All right, well, that wraps up our episode on taking control in the bedroom. We will put a whole bunch of links to a whole bunch of things in our our show notes for the episode, we've got that initiation masterclass, the mental load workbook, if you want to figure out how to share the mental load in your relationship. Dirty talk guide, the sex positions playbook, the foreplay guides, if you want to get more confident in your sexual skills and being able to pleasure each other. And our supercharge, your confidence in the bedroom masterclass. Those are all some of our lowest price point courses. Like this confidence masterclass is $19. So get it, go check it out right away and start getting confident.

All right, so that's it for today's episode. Thanks so much for listening and join us again next week when we talk about exploring kink. If you never have before. Oh, yeah, you know, we're going along with this Christian, this Christian gray, 50 shades of gray theme. All right, see you next time, Sam.