EPISODE 57: Is This Your Shit Or Mine?

Constant farting and burping. Normal bodily functions, but lack of manners. I love the way this one's written.

Are we sure that Vanessa didn't send this win?

Hello, and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. So what have I done to annoy you today?

Oh, let's see. I know better than to answer that question. Come on. Now.

This question traces back to. I don't know if I've shared this story on. On the podcast yet, but there was a time early in our relationship where I asked Xander, I thought I was being really cute. And I was asking him, like, how often do I annoy you? And I thought that he was gonna be like, oh, you never annoy me. Like, I love you so much. I was being all cute and coy and flirty.

You're just a perfect little partner.

Exactly. And he looked at me very seriously, very thoughtfully, and said, probably about once a day. And then my heart broke thinking about annoying you once every single day. I haven't had my time of the day yet. I've still got one coming up, right?

Yeah, sure. There's one annoyance left to be had. One future annoyance.

Well, today we're gonna be talking about annoyances in relationships. Minor annoyances, but also some really big ones. And we have an interesting theme for this episode today. We're kind of calling it, is this your shit or min. Mine? Because I think we all have aspects of our relationship or things about our partner that we wish were different. Maybe they annoy us. Maybe they outright enrage us. You know, there's. There's always going to be something that we wish was different about our partner or our relationship, but sometimes it can be kind of confusing to figure out how to think about these things. Like, am I. Is Andra annoyed by me, by all these things that I do every day? And that means that I need to change all of these things so that I never annoy him.

Or.

Or are Xander's annoyances, do they have more to do with him? And it's something that, like, he has to get over or work through on his own. It can be really tricky sometimes to identify what's what.

Yeah. So, like, is it my shit to just deal with it myself, or is it Vanessa's shit to change so that she can be perfect for me?

The perfect partner? So we went over to Instagram for this episode, and we asked people to share examples of this with us. We said, you know, what's something about your partner or your relationship that bothers you, and you're just not quite sure how to think of it about this. What do you make out of all of this? So we've got a ton of examples. We got a lot of examples that were sent in. You guys were very excited to talk about this topic, so we picked some of the ones that we thought were the most interesting, but we haven't talked about any of them together, so we just identified. Do we think we could talk about this one? Is it interesting? But we didn't give our opinions on it. So as we go through, this will be the first time that we're actually talking through. Do we think this is partner A's issue or partner B's issue? Maybe somewhere in between, so.

Oh, somewhere in between is an option. I didn't realize that. I thought we were trying as hard as we could to make it your shit or my shit?

I mean, we'll try, but, you know, sometimes shit is just shit.

That's. That's good, because I do remember reading some of them and thinking, well, I can kind of see it being shit everywhere.

Everywhere. That's what we'll call this episode, the shit everywhere episode.

All right, but let's get into a little bit of our shit here, which is our review of the week, if that works at all. I was trying to think of a great segue, and I think I maybe nailed it with the shit. All right, here we go. This one is entitled Happy Birthday to Me. Wow.

All right, this one gonna go?

Coming in strong with the title game. Okay. My new husband and I have been together almost 20. Wait, did I just say my new husband?

I don't know where that came from.

Wow. That was a Freudian slip. Because my husband and I have been together almost 20 years. We've always been happy, but a child and growing our careers made our sex life a little vanilla. Your podcast made us think about our sex life for the first time. And. Wow. Mind blown emoji. Fire 100 emoji. We have had the best, most connected sex we've had in years since listening to your podcast. We both listen to. And I love that. It gives us something to talk about and apply in the bedroom. We love you guys and can't wait for more and more content.

Where does the birthday thing tie into it, though?

I think what it is, is, like, our podcast is a gift to this person. So every single Thursday, this person is like, happy birthday to me.

I don't understand. This is a great review. Thank you for this review. But I would really love for you to reach out to us and explain. Happy birthday to me.

Explain yourself.

I want to know what it. Yes. Thank you for this review. Reviews mean so much to the podcast. It is seriously, like, the only way that we can grow and reach more couples. So we would greatly appreciate it if you like this episode, if you've liked any of our previous episodes, if you could just go over to Apple Podcasts and leave a quick review. It doesn't have to be detailed or elaborate, but you can leave some fun emojis for Xander to try to interpret, or you can leave him a riddle like we had riddles last time.

Sure, why not? Leave me whatever you think is going to stump me.

We will enter you into a giveaway going forward. So every single week, we pick a review of the week. If you're the winner, you can DM us on Instagram. Vanessa Marin Therapy. Ask us a question and we will give you a free mini personalized coaching session.

Yeah. So this person, not only do they have to DM us and send us their question, they also need to explain themselves.

Explain yourself.

They need to. Yeah, you know, we need, like, a screenshot of your ID so we can see when your birthday is to make sure it really lines up with the review date. No, I'm just kidding. Okay, we don't need that.

All right, so let's get into the. Are you ready to deal with the.

Yeah, let's. Let's just wait ourselves wade into this shit.

You got your shit shovel?

I got my shoes on shoes.

I picked this first one because I relate to it. Okay. This person says, I have so much trouble falling asleep when my husband isn't in bed with me. I feel like my sleep would improve a ton if he would come to bed earlier with me. But he is very resistant to the idea. He also struggles with insomnia, and getting in bed before he's actually tired is a big trigger for him. There's a second part of this which I left out. We'll talk about it separately. But what do you think? Is this their issue or is this their husband's issue?

I'm gonna say this is Their issue. Yeah, I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say that this is their shit. The person asking the question, I think that when it comes to sleep, you know, it sounds like they each have their own issues when it comes to sleep. This person is struggling to fall asleep. Their husband also is struggling to fall asleep. He has insomnia. And so for him, getting in bed when he's not already feeling tired sounds like it worsens the insomnia. So it's kind of like, as of right now, it seems like a kind of lose, lose. Like one person is losing if he gets into bed early and one person is losing if he doesn't get into bed early. I think that it kind of is the question askers in that the person asking the question has this idea in their head of, well, the only way I'm going to be able to fall asleep is if my husband is in bed with me. When I want to go to bed. They have this fantasy of how it. The only way that it can work. And I think that it's probably time for this person to start brainstorming alternative options for how they can ensure that they get the sleep that they need.

Yeah, I agree with you. I think, and I forgot we confirmed that this is a woman. I think this is her shit. And it sucks because I think for the majority of our relationship I have operated in the same way. Like, it's a lot harder for me to fall asleep without you there. I think lately I've gotten a little bit better about it. But yeah, I just sleep so much better when you're there. And in particular, I sleep so much better if I can fall asleep first. Oh, yes, if you fall asleep first. I get so frustrated and annoyed and sometimes it's hard for me to fall asleep. So I really relate to this, that you just, like, want that comfort of your partner being there. But I don't think it's a fair thing to ask your partner. Especially like you were pointing out, Xander, that the husband is also struggling with insomnia. Getting into bed before he's tired is a big trigger for him. Like, I don't think it's a fair ask to ask him to compromise his own sleep. Like, sleep is so delicate for all of us. So I do think that she has to figure out ways to optimize her own sleep.

Yeah, I mean, just an idea there, because I can imagine if I put myself in her shoes, she's probably thinking, okay, well, yeah, but then, like, when he comes to bed later, he wakes me up Anyway, and then I'm awake. So it's like, maybe you got to think outside the box a little bit. Like, maybe given your different schedules and different needs, like, maybe you need to sleep in different rooms if that's an option. Like, I think a lot of people assume that you only sleep in separate beds if there's an marital issue or you're not having sex or something like that. But tons of people have alternate sleeping arrangements to facilitate their sleep schedules. And I think when we get stuck in, oh, it has to be this one way, that's when we really start having. Getting into these problems of, you know, just being like, I can't solve this problem because you're not allowing yourself to consider the more out of the box solutions.

Okay, so here's the wrinkle with this one.

All right, let's go.

She says, oh, and also, I'm pregnant. Which kind of makes me feel like he should be more willing to compromise in my direction. So when I read that, I do think, like, if one partner is pregnant, they're the only person who can do that work. Like, that's a tremendous amount of work. Being pregnant, birthing a child, that's a lot. Not that relationships are ever going to be, like, completely fair. There's literally no way for you to figure out how to make your partner do all the work that matches up for you being pregnant and carrying your child. But I do think, like, maybe if this is kind of related to, you know, her ability to get good sleep for her and for the baby, that maybe that pushes me a little bit more towards, like, could the husband compromise every once in a while? So that got me thinking. You know, it sounds like for him, getting into bed before he's tired is a big deal. For her, it sounds like she's going to bed earlier than he is. So maybe is there a way to compromise a couple of nights a week where, you know, maybe he comes to bed earlier with her? Or maybe the compromise, maybe he just.

Reads in bed for a while?

While he reads in bed? Could it be that he's just sitting in the room? Maybe if they have, like a chair or something like that. Or even could she compromise and stay up a little bit later so that he doesn't have to go to bed until he's tired? So there is a little bit of flexibility there. But I think the pregnancy makes it a touch more complicated.

I do wonder, though, is this a scenario, though, where this person has had this issue with their husband way before them being pregnant? Yeah, they didn't Say, this issue only cropped up once I got pregnant. You know, is this person just kind of waiting to make this request until they are pregnant and being like, well, now you should. Now you should really side with me more because I'm pregnant? I don't know. I don't know.

It's tricky. But, yeah, I think overall, our outcome is that this is her shit to deal with.

Yeah. All right, next one is my partner has gained weight, and I'm not feeling as attracted to them.

Okay. So we talked about this a little bit in our hygiene episode, because when we were planning that episode and getting feedback from our Instagram audience, a lot of people mentioned weight gain. And even after the episode, a lot of people wrote in and, you know, kind of shared more details about their situation. And so we talked in that hygiene episode about how weight gain is. Is a very complex, layered issue. It's not just this simple. It's not even a simple, like, weight gain is bad for you or weight gain is always something to be avoided. Like, there's so much nuance and gray area here. And so, you know, I want to make sure that we're being. We're always really sensitive whenever we talk about weight issues because we both take the perspective of health at every size. We think that there's a unbelievable amount of fatphobia and fat shaming in our culture, and we don't want to participate in that. So when it comes to weight gain overall, like, my perspective is definitely, like, it is your own shit to deal with. You as the partner, not the person who is gaining or losing weight. Like, your partner doesn't owe you anything with their own body. They don't owe you their body looking a certain way or them doing certain things with their body. Like, that is their body. And so I think that if you are dealing with a loss of attraction because your partner has gained weight, that's work for you to do. Like, we all grow up in a fat phobic society. We all internalize those beliefs, and we need to do that internal work of, like, peeling those layers back and taking a look at our own internalized fat phobia. So, like I was saying a second ago, weight gain can mean a lot of different things. So I think there's a huge difference between, let's say somebody started taking a medication for their mental health and it caused them to gain weight. That's a particular kind of situation where I'm like, it's not your responsibility to lose weight for your partner to make them feel better. Like, you're Dealing with your mental health. So there are a lot of reasons why weight gain happens, why weight gain is even necessary sometimes, or why it's just not even a bad thing. On the other hand, I do want to say, I know that there are some times where you might see your partner, maybe it's related to mental health, too. You might see your partner really struggling to take care of themselves. They might be dealing with some severe mental health issues, and they're having a hard time exercising, feeding their body nutritious foods, doing hygiene stuff. We talked a lot about that in that particular episode. And so I think it makes a lot of sense. If you see your partner struggling to treat their own body with love and care and compassion, then I think that's a situation where, again, it's not that it's your partner's responsibility to lose weight for you so that you can still be attractive to them, but I think it can be a great conversation between the two of you of, like, you know, hey, I love you, and I want you to love yourself, and I see you struggling to take care of yourself, and I want to know, how can I be a supportive partner to you in you loving your body, treating yourself with kindness and care and respect? What's coming up for you? What's going on in your life? How can I be your teammate? So I think that could be a conversation. But again, the bottom line is that for me, it's not your partner's responsibility to lose weight or gain weight so that you can be attracted to them.

Yeah, absolutely. I think this is, you know, we don't have much context in the way this question was asked, but I'm pretty much all the time. This is. This is your shit to deal with. Do you have your own insecurities, your own prejudices or judgments coming up around weight gain? And, you know, I mean, I can speak from my own experience growing up. Like, yeah, you get all kinds of messages growing up in messages and judgment about weight. And those are just really buried deep within us. And so there's. Oh, yeah, it's a huge opportunity for some personal work and just, you know, personal reflection on what, you know, what is it that I want to believe about this? And, you know, on the flip side of that, too, it's also like, just like, your partner doesn't owe you to look a certain way or to be a certain weight. Like, you don't owe your partner, like, I have to be with you for life. Like, you get to make your own decisions about whether you are in a relationship or Not. And so, you know, I think time for some reflection for yourself. Like, is there something, some kind of prejudice or judgment coming up within me that I can work on? And ultimately, if you are no longer attracted to someone after a long period of time, then, like, that's another decision that you have to make about how you proceed. But it's not your partner's responsibility to change themselves just for you.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, I guess it is any person's right to be able to end a relationship if they're not feeling attracted to a partner. I, like, I do think that is a pretty sad reason to end a relationship simply because of weight gain. But I think it, again, can get into the nuanced area if, like, let's say your partner is having a really hard time taking care of themselves, treating themselves with kindness and respect. And again, I just want to be so clear that taking care of yourself doesn't mean losing weight or being super thin or only eating organic foods. Like, you can take care of yourself and treat yourself with love in a lot of different ways, and your body can look a lot of different shapes. But I can see, like, Xander, if you were to completely stop taking care of yourself, your mental health is really suffering. You are refusing to get any sort of help. I'm trying everything I can to be a supportive partner to you, and this goes on for years or decades. I can understand getting to a point where it just feels like this is too hard to watch you do this to yourself. And, like, as much as I want to be there for you and support you and get you out of that, like, I know that I can't and it's not my responsibility, so.

Yeah, but you would never be like, oh, you gained 20 pounds. That's it. I'm out.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, exactly. Now I'm talking about, like, years or decades of you not taking care of yourself in any sort of way. All right, that one was pretty heavy, so let's lighten it up. Why don't you read the next one?

All right, when I go number two. Speaking of the shit, everyone, when I go number two, it doesn't always flush down everything. Am I responsible? Responsible to stay and flush until it all goes down? Is this a real submission that. Seriously, who wrote this?

This one made me laugh so hard.

Is this, like, someone on our team messing with us?

Okay, so whose shit is it? The person who wrote this or their partner?

It is absolutely the shitter's shit. It's absolutely the shitters shit.

Like, what?

What do you think your Responsibility. My responsibility to the bathroom is I hit that flush once and I close my eyes, I close the toilet. I. You know, it's like, if I don't see it, it's not there. Like, you know, wiping my hands clean. No, yeah, take just. Just wait a second before you close the toilet lid. Because sometimes the toilet doesn't work all the way. The house that we're in right now, one of the bathrooms, like, if you don'. Hold it for, like, two seconds exactly. Like, it doesn't quite flush. So, you know, like, sometimes a toilet messes up. What if it gets clogged?

It's your shit.

It's like, literally, it's your shit.

Your shit.

Flush that shit down.

Flush that toilet down.

Even if it requires two or even three flushes or even a plunging, it's.

Your responsibility to get rid of that shit. Absolutely. We're in perfect agreement here, babe.

Yeah. Should we name this podcast episode flush that shit? Maybe your shit or mine. And then in parentheses, just flush it.

Okay, let's get back into a more nuanced one. Okay, here's the next one. My husband gets very affected by my tone of voice. If I say something in a way that he deems too snippy or sharp, he can get really out of whack, and he wants me to learn a lesson. And in little quotation marks here, that's just not how you talk to people. No one would like to be talked to that way. 99% of the time, I don't mean anything by it and have no negative intentions. So I get frustrated because to me, it's just way I talk, sort of the way my whole family talks, and it feels hard to change. So we debate over whether I need to work harder on not using the tone of voice that he's sensitive to or whether he needs to work on trying to assume the best of my intentions and be less sensitive to it.

Okay, this is a. This is a complicated one.

So whose shit is this?

This one is so tricky because I. There's a number. I can see it in a couple different ways. I. All right. The first thing I do want to say, though, we may need to break this one down a little bit. So, like, when he says, that's just not how you talk to people. No one would like to be talked to in that way. I want to say, that's his shit. Like, you can't. You can't tell your partner. No one likes it when you do that. You can say, that's not how I don't like It. When you talk to me that way, it doesn't feel good when I hear you talk to me that way. Like, you got to take responsibility for your own perception of it. It. It is absolutely his shit when, like, he's trying to say nobody likes it.

When you do it. Yeah. And quick communication tip. When you and your partner are trying to have a conversation about something, bringing in these mysterious other people. Like, other people don't like that. Other people wouldn't put up with that. Other people don't like when you do that. Like, it does not ever go well because it feels like you're. It puts your partner super on the defensive. Now they feel like they're fighting all of these. These people that they don't even know. So only talk about your experience, and your experience in and of itself is valid. Like, you don't have to bring in this army of other people who don't like it either. Like, just say, I don't like that. What caught my attention about this one is right before they wrote out the quote, is they say, my husband wants me to learn a lesson. That felt a little.

Yeah, I mean, that's. That's also. I mean, obviously, this is a contentious. This issue between the two of them. And so, you know, this might be the. The person asking the question, like, their interpretation of what's going on is, like, he wants me to learn a lesson. We don't know. Is. Is the partner saying, like, I'm gonna teach you a lesson.

Okay.

But. Yeah. I mean, if. If that's the case. If. If that's truly what the person is feeling like. Yeah. That. That's some problematic. That. That is his shit of, like, I have this need to tell people what to do. I have this need to be right.

Yeah. Okay. I have an answer for this one, though.

Okay.

I think it's both of their shit.

Yeah.

I think they both have things to do here.

I'm gonna agree.

Yeah. The original person. Yes. It is your responsibility to learn about how your tone and your delivery get interpreted by other people. So it's great that you understand. Like, hey, this is just the way that I talk. This is the way that I learned in my family. We all talk this way. That's totally fine. And you just need to recognize that not everybody is going to interpret that in the same way. And so it's not your job to, like, change yourself for every single person you interact with. But if you're talking about your husband, you know, somebody that you're spending your life with, it should matter to you that your husband is having a certain experience. And it doesn't mean that you're wrong. It does not mean that your tone is wrong and it needs to be changed, but it does mean that you should. You guys should be looking at this as a team, and you're thinking, okay, to my husband, this is how it comes off. Let me see if I can try to tweak my language or make it more clear or soften this. Right. And in the same sort of way, your husband has to try to recognize that this just is who you are. You're not meaning anything by it. He does need to try to assume the best of intentions. So it's like both of you are right. You're both having different experiences, and both of those experiences are right and valid. Your experience is like, this is just me, and I don't mean anything by it. And your husband is like, well, this is just me, and this is how I interpret that. And those are both right. So you guys just need to work together as a team to validate each other's experiences. And if you both feel like you're making this effort to acknowledge, okay, here's a way that there's a little incompatibility between us. We come bumping up against each other in this way. So let's each make an effort to try to, like, flex a little bit and meet in the middle a little bit. I think that'll feel really good.

Yeah. I mean, what I would be really interested in, to the person asking this question is, okay, so obviously you're getting this feedback from your husband. Do you ever have this experience outside of your husband, like, out in the world where people maybe react differently to something that you say than the way that you think they normally would? Or where people maybe are a little, like, get on the defensive or get shut down after you say something that you thought was just a very normal comment. And all of a sudden, like, someone is kind of like, oh, okay, and, like, walking away or something like that. Like, and that might be a sign that, you know, your husband may be onto something that, like, you may have a tone or an energy that you're not aware of that is impacting other people in a way that's different from the way that you think that you are. And I, you know, I think that. Think some people have that, like, there's just. You have an energy about you that impacts people in a different way than you are intending to. And so, like, Vanessa was saying that if that is something you are starting to notice, I'm not saying, oh, you got to go out and change that you have to be a certain way for other people. But I think it's just, it's. It's valuable to know I feel like I'm doing things totally normal and totally calmly or whatever. I just need to be aware that oftentimes when I think I'm being normal and calm, other people may not perceive it that way. And then I get to make a choice of, okay, am I going to adjust my delivery slightly? Or like, okay, I'm in a high stakes customer service situation. I need to be really sure that I'm being over the top in how polite I am or something, because I know that somebody might misinterpret what I'm saying. And then on the very flip side of that, if it's just your husband is the only person that's giving you that feedback and you're maybe getting signs that he wants you to always be really docile or something like that, like, then there may be some problematic shades here of he wants you to be a certain way. He wants to kind of maybe dominate you from. But that's not the right word.

No, no, I get, I get what you're saying. Yeah. That it could be a sign of something deeper going on on either end. We're obviously just getting this tiny little snippet of it. But yeah, I mean, and the other thing I want to say too about this is that it can be really helpful when you talk about this from the perspective of being a team. So it doesn't even necessarily mean that either one of them has to completely change the way that they talk. It could be. So, okay, this original person is saying sometimes they get too snippy or sharp. So it could be that they just spend a little bit more time trying to listen to their tone. And if they, they notice something or maybe they notice their husband, like making some sort of face or some sort of reaction, they could take a moment to say, ah, that might have been my snippy tone right there. But just to let you know, I'm actually feeling totally calm. I'm not being snippy. So it's like, it's not that they're changing the way that they speak, but they're just taking that second to tag like, that's that thing I do. But just as a reminder, I'm fine, I'm happy, I'm great right now. And similarly, the husband, if he's ever hearing his partner and like, he's starting to get triggered or feel upset, he could take a second to check in and say, hey, I feel like I'm hearing a tone, but I'm not sure. Maybe that's the story that I'm making up in my head. How are you feeling right now? And actually, Xander and I do this. Sometimes Xander will say that to me. Sometimes he'll say, like, yeah, if I feel like I'm picking up on something, I just want to check in and see. And we use that language. Like, the story I'm telling myself is very often because it makes it clear that, like, Xander's taking responsibility for his interpretation of it. And that gives me the opportunity to be like, oh, oh, my gosh. No, I'm sorry. I'm totally calm. Or I'm not feeling that way. Right.

Yeah. And I mean, and also for me, when I get excited, I can tend to raise the volume of my voice. And so, you know, if it's just, like, a happy excitement, then that doesn't really cause any problems. But if Vanessa and I are talking about something not contentious, but, like, serious, perhaps, and. And I get excited about something, my tone, like, my volume starts to increase. And, you know, I never really realized that, especially because I'm a man. And I think, like, you know, men can get away with stuff like this more. More often is. You know, nobody ever, you know, called that out in me. So if I ever notice the volume of my voice starting to go up, especially when I'm feeling that excitement, it's a good cue to me of just like, oh, okay, let me. Let me be aware of this volume. Let me see if I can dial it back a little, because Vanessa is not. Is likely not going to know what's going on in my head. And especially if it's not Vanessa, if it's someone else, I don't want to come off as. As overly aggressive, even if I feel like I'm totally calm.

Yeah. All right, let's go into the next one. I'm good friends with one of my exes. It's completely platonic, and we've never crossed a boundary, but my partner describes herself as a jealous person. She's been cheated on in the past, and she says she has a hard time trusting. She's gone so far as to ask me to end the friendship. I love her, and she's a great person, but I don't feel good with her asking me to cut my ex out of my life. Life. So whose shit is this? The girlfriend, or let's call them the op. Do you remember that from, like, oh, God, what Was that about, like, back in forum days, like, online forums? The original poster.

Let's not do that. That's going to be too confusing. I was never. I was actually never like, really in on that whole thing. So it's not like I'm just trying.

Not to assume genders here, so I want to leave it open.

Okay. Well, I do know the gender of the person whose shit I'm gonna say it is. I'm gonna say it's her shit because. Because she described herself as a jealous person. I think that. I think that we have this idea somehow societally, that, oh, if I'm a jealous person, then it's like, okay for me to be a jealous person. Like, it's just. Oh, that. That's just who I am. And therefore, you need to change, because I'm a jealous person. And, I mean, I think she unknowingly has admitted that her shit in the way that she's described it.

Yeah. I agree with you completely. I think that this is her shit to deal with, and I want to empathize with her. I mean.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. I'm not. I'm not saying that you're a bad person because you are jealous. I think you already know what work you need to do, and it sucks. It sucks because you have been betrayed.

Yeah. And both Xander and I have been cheated on. We know how painful of an experience that is. We know that it feels really hard to trust again after that. So, you know, I get it, and I really sympathize with that. And at the same time, like, we can't expect other people to change their behavior just because we've gone through something, you know, on our. Been through our own, like, betrayal. Like, that. So I think it's great to like, to talk openly. I mean, I remember in the early stages of our relationship, like, you and I both talked about being cheated on. Like, that was. The person who cheated on me was the last, like, really serious relationship.

Both of us have the exact same.

Yeah.

Exact same situation.

Yeah. And so we talked about that, and we each shared, you know, like, kind of concerns or not concerns, but, like, you know, worries or insecurities that came up for us. But I think we both took ownership over, like, yeah, I went through some shit, and I'm struggling with it a little bit. And, yeah, we didn't expect the other person to change their behavior just to fit into this. And what the. The original question asker. The original person is ask. Is like, mentioning, like, this does sound very innocent. Like, yes, it's an Ex, which of course, you know, a lot of people feel jealousy just about exes, period, even if they're not in your life anymore. But it sounds like they're being really clear and saying, like, it's platonic. We've never crossed a boundary. Like, we're not doing anything that should make this, you know, make the current girlfriend feel insecure or worried. Obviously there are situations with exes that can be problematic where maybe the ex wants you back or they're being really flirtatious, they're crossing boundaries, like making the girlfriend uncomfortable. So that could be the situation. But it sounds like the way that this person is describing it is like, it's completely platonic. We've never crossed a boundary.

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I think that, you know, to the person asking this question, like, it's totally fair to talk about what some reasonable boundaries could be, you know, for your partner to feel, feel better about, about you being friends with your ex, but to just for it to be like, oh, the only way I'm going to feel okay with this is if you cut this person out of your life. Yeah, that doesn't feel, that doesn't feel like a reasonable ask. But if it's like, you know, I want you to tell me when you are going to go hang out alone with this person or like, I don't want you to be like going out late at night with this person or something, like there could there probably some reasonable boundaries that you could discuss and maybe negotiate date about around this. It's not just an all or nothing. Like nothing has ever happened. Therefore it's like carte blanche to do whatever, whatever I want and you need to deal with it.

I would do that on a case by case basis and as things come up. So maybe if, if the original person is like, oh, my ex and I want to go on a trip and we would be sharing a room and I'm not going to have cell service to check in with you. Like, yeah, maybe that would be a time to have a conversation, but I don't know if I would feel good about. Okay, let's sit down and hammer out the boundaries right now of what you are and are not allowed to do with your ex. Like, that feels a little too controlling.

Yeah, maybe, maybe that's a little over the top. But I, I just think for the person asking the question, like, maybe you think about what are, what are some, what have I been doing with my ex? Do these feel like totally reasonable things or are there, are there any things that I've Been doing that. I could. I. If I put myself in my partner's shoes, I could see how maybe that feels. Feels a little weird and, you know, just to be aware of your own behavior, that's all. All right, the next one is, my husband's parents are borderline homophobic and can often say rude comments to me. My husband doesn't like that they do this, but he won't step in and say anything.

Okay, I have my answer. Do you have yours?

I have my answer, too.

Okay. I think that this is the husband's shit to deal with. Deal with.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. So I think that, you know, when it comes to. In laws. In laws can be tricky. Like, you and I are both very lucky that we haven't had to deal with, like, any super challenging in law situations. But I totally understand that that can be really tricky. And you can feel caught in between a rock and a hard place. I got that right.

Yeah.

I almost had two rocks and a hard place.

And that. That also. You would also not want to be caught between two rocks and a hard. I mean, that's easy.

Even worse, like, if you. Yeah. If you have a situation where it's just, you know, your partner doesn't get along with your parents, I can totally sympathize with feeling like, oh, God. Like, I don't want to have to take sides. I don't want to have to jump in. But in a situation like this, if your husband's parents are being rude to your partner, that is absolutely your responsibility to jump in and to set boundaries of what is acceptable and unacceptable to them. So I don't want to, you know, read too much into this story because we only have this tiny little snippet of it. But I do know in the past when I've worked with gay couples, you know, I've heard a lot of times people tell me it was such a long journey for me to come out to my parents, and they're. They're like, okay with it, or they excommunicated me, but now I'm allowed back in the family. And I think a lot of times gay people are left with this feeling that they have to, like, settle for whatever scraps of a relationship they can have with their loved ones. But I think you and I would agree that. That that's a really sad thing. Like, we think it's really important for people to be loved and accepted for whatever gender orientation they are. Honestly, it's nobody else's business what you choose to do in your own bedroom. And I think that, you know, parents should be unconditionally loving of their children. It should make absolutely no difference if whatever your child's orientation or identity are. And so I feel bad again. It's like, I don't want to read too much into this because I don't know what the story is with the husband coming and how his parents felt about it and all of that. I feel bad for the husband that he's having to deal with parents who are borderline homophobic. And I feel bad for the other husband who's having to deal with in laws who are borderline homophobic. But, yeah, definitely in this kind of situation. And I think honestly, whenever there's any sort of tension with in laws, it's the person who's directly related to them, it is their responsibility to help navigate the situation. Like, I think it's messed up to say, oh, you're, you're struggling with my parents. Like, sorry, you have to deal with that. Yeah, I'm not getting involved.

Yeah. Now, like, on the flip side to the person asking this question, like, you can absolutely set your own boundaries with your in laws as well. Like, like, we're not saying, oh, your husband needs to just completely deal with the situation. Like, you are always allowed to protect yourself and to set and enforce your own boundaries. But I think it is your husband's shit in that. Like, your husband needs to really support you. You. Yeah, in that. And you know, and I think, you know, when you get married to someone, like, they, when I guess, like when it comes to sort of the hierarchy of needs or relationships, like, I think that your, your spouse kind of has to supersede your parents when it comes to, like, you know, if we are talking about like protecting someone's dignity and basic levels of respect, like, I think you gotta side with your spouse.

That is a hot topic. We should put something on our Instagram account of like, yeah, what do you, what relationship do you think is most important? Is it your partner or is it your parents? That's a tough one. So we could do a whole episode just about that. But I think in this specific circumstance, it is the husband's shit to get his parents in line to say, like, this is unacceptable behavior. We're not going to spend time around you if you act this way. Or we will remove ourselves from the situation if you make comments like this in the future, like, it's their responsibility to take a step up. But also to the original person who wrote this in, and like Xander was saying, you can totally take care of yourself. As well and say, you know what, I'm, I'm gonna leave in this situation.

Yeah. And unfortunately, you are still gonna have to have this conversation with your husband and say, hey, you gotta do this. Yeah, yeah. We're telling you, it's his shit. That doesn't mean that you just have to wait around for your husband to magically realize.

Play the podcast episode very loudly. And him. And hopefully he will catch on. Okay, we've got our last asked. Shit to sift.

Oh, shift. Shit to sift. That's a tough tongue twister. Shift to sit. No, I to sift. I like shift to sit.

Will you put it in your shed of tooth?

Yeah, don't want no in my shadow. Tooth.

Are we shift sifting the. Or are we stirring the.

I don't know, we, this last one, I mean, I'm reading it. We might be stirring the. Here, let's go. Let's go.

Babe talking.

Why don't you? Why don't you.

Okay, here we go. Constant farting and burping. Normal bodily functions, but lack of manners. I love the way this one's written.

Are we sure that Vanessa didn't send this one in? Because it kind of sounds like she did. I don't know, actually, if you would. If you had written this one, you would have, you would have written everything the same. Except you would have said normal bodily functions but rude.

I would have, yeah. Okay, so whose shit is it to deal with? Does a person who is constantly farting and burping need to stop constantly farting and burping? Or does their partner have to learn to deal with constant farts and burps?

I'm gonna say it's both of their shit. I'm gonna say that there's the part of me because I, I, I burp.

And I fart a fair amount.

There's a part of me that would love to be like, oh, that's Vanessa's shit. She's just gotta learn to deal with it. But what I will say is, I mean, there, there is a degree to which you can't help it. There's a degree to which maybe it is a health related thing, a diet related thing. Maybe there's some work that you could do on trying to decrease the amount of it.

We do have a family member who has. Yeah. Has health issues.

But yeah, on the flip side, it could also be a medical condition where, where it is totally, you know, where there isn't anything you can do about it. Or at least in the short term, there is no, nothing that you can do about it. And so, yeah, like, I think that there are many times when, as the burper or the farter, you could take some effort to silence it or quiet it. And sometimes there are times that you can't. So I think it's not like. It's not like, oh, it's the farters. Like, they just need to stop doing it.

It's the farter.

I mean, I think both. Both parties, like, there has to be an effort made on both parties. Parties, like, for the person, you know, asking the question, they gotta realize, yep, my partner's gonna burp and fart. I almost said they're gonna shit sometime. They're gonna burp. Yeah. I mean, all those things are gonna happen. It is a normal bodily function. And sometimes they're not gonna be able to control it. Maybe often they're not gonna control it. And you gotta learn to be okay with that. And it would really help if the person doing it was making an effort to. To conceal it sometimes.

Okay, be totally honest with me right now. Do you think you make an effort?

I do make an effort.

How much of an effort?

It's from zero.

Zero effort to 100 is like maximum effort. How much effort do you think you make to not fart and burp in front of me?

50. That's so low.

Okay, here's the problem. So I agree with what you're saying. Like, I wanna make special care to call out. Out, like medical conditions. Because, yeah, we have a family member who cannot control their burping. And we don't want to shame people where it's like, you're going through something that's not your fault. So that aside, I agree with you that there is, like, there's some amount of farting and burping that's just not controllable. It's a bodily function. We don't have perfect control of our bodies. Sometimes things squeeze out and we don't mean them to. We're even very embarrassed. We're ashamed that it happened. So I get that. That, and I do think that it is each of our responsibility to try to have a little decorum, try to have some manners and try to make an effort to not fart and burp in front of another person. And I think where this gets tricky for me.

Oh, is it maybe the immense effort that you put into it that is perhaps unnecessary?

I'm glad that you said 50% because that's low. And I do agree that it feels to me often that you're it putting in A pretty low effort to not fart and burp in front of me. And I put in a superhuman effort. Like, 95%. I tried. Anyone ask so hard, did anyone ask to do that?

Who's making. So whose shit is that that they are putting in a superhuman effort?

No, it's true. It's true. I think men and women get socialized around this differently. Women get socialized around, like, oh, I don't poop.

I don't.

You know, and men, it's like, oh, just guys being guys. The guys just, you know, they all just burp in front of each other. And like, us women, we're not even supposed to, like, have those bodily functions. So I get that. And I took ownership over that. I have internalized a little bit of that belief that I'm supposed to be feminine and dainty and not do these things. But there is, for me, the majority of it is this sense of, like, thoughtfulness around another person. Like, yes, you know, like, farts are stinky and burps are stinky, and it's an unpleasant thing to be around a fart, you know? And so I do make a big effort to. If I have to fart, like. And here's the thing, too. It's like, it's really not that hard if I have to get so worked up and Xander's just, like, laughing at.

Me if I have to. I wish we had this on video.

I can just walk into another room. It's not that hard.

Sometimes you don't have time to just walk into another room. Especially with a.

Or, like, give somebody a heads up, like, clear the room. I couldn't help it, you know?

Okay. I'm having a lot of. I'm having a lot of really interesting ideas for how I can deal with this. I'm definitely gonna have Vanessa clear the room more often. That's gonna be annoying. And I'm also going. I'm going to share more about. Oh, man, I just held in the biggest fart.

Sure. I would love to know that you're making an effort, because some days it feels like you're making, like, 5% or.

What I'll do is be like, oh, I just let out such a silent fart. Aren't you proud of me, babe?

Not if it smells. Not if it's a silent but deadly.

Oh, my God. So you want. You want my farts to not smell too now?

No, it's fine if your farts smell that farts smell. They just do smell. That's okay. But, like, I would love for you to make an effort to leave the.

Room and then just rip it.

Give me a yeah, yeah. Go to the bathroom and rip it as much as you want. Close the door. Rip it as much as you want.

We do have an arrangement in this house. It is my right to fart as much or as loud as I want in the bathroom.

Yep.

And that's even. The funny thing is she even kind of enjoys when she hears me have a really loud fart in the bathroom. She's like, you know it. Like, props to you. You're doing it in place. I told you, you can do it. You're like, oh, you're just farting away in there.

I. It's. I. Enjoy is maybe too strong of a word, but, yes, you are allowed to go in the bathroom. Do whatever your do. Your heart's content in the bathroom. But, yeah, I do think that it's like a yes. We've been together forever. Yes, we're comfortable with each other. And for some couples, this may not bother them at all. And that's totally fine. If it doesn't bother you. If you think it's funny, go for it.

Yeah. In another lifetime, I'd have a wife who is into my farts. You know, in the next life, we'll see what that's like.

I'm so sorry.

We'll get Vanessa 2.0. Now you're gonna get Vanessa the fart version.

This will be my jealousy going, I'm so jealous of your hypothetical other wife who enjoys your farts.

Oh, yeah, I know. Like, in the last episode, we talked about comparing people. You know, that's like. That's maybe the one thing I do compare. You know, like someone else who talks about, oh, yeah, like, we fart in front of each other. I'm like, oh, yeah, I wish Vanessa would. No, I'm just kidding. I don't.

That gross voice.

I don't. That's a gross farter voice.

All right, well, that wraps up our episode on Is this your or mine? We had a lot of other examples. So if you liked this topic, come on over to Instagram. We're at Vanessa Marin therapy.

Let us know if you want us to do part two.

Yeah, let us know if you have an example that you want to share. Come hit us up over there.

Well, that's all for today's episode of Pillow Talk. Thank you so much for listening to our. Join us again next week when we talk about the sex act that you should be doing that you probably aren't.

Oh, a little teaser there.

Oh, yeah. You're gonna have to listen. See you next week.