EPISODE 59: Roleplaying 101: Ditch The Awkwardness And Find Your Confidence

Should we roleplay podcast hosts? Yeah, actually, this.

This whole episode, this is really just all a scene.

Guys, this whole episode is just Sandra and I role playing.

I can't wait to be done with this so we can go get it on. I'm so hot right now.

Hello, and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 of experience.

And I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Oh, what's that? Is that a knock at my door?

Oh, yeah, it's the milkman.

The milkman? What?

Yeah.

I haven't been a milkman in, like, 50 years.

That's right. We're getting into this. It's the 50s, and I am your friendly neighborhood milkman, wearing my little milk outfit. I've got some fresh, creamy milk for you, ma'. Am.

Oh, great.

How much milk would you like today?

How much do you have?

Oh, I've got plenty. Do you want me to fill you up or you just want to taste?

I just want to taste.

Okay, Come over here. It's nice and frothy.

Frothy. Wow.

Fresh squeeze today.

Squeeze. He's right. From the udder.

Yeah, from the udders of life.

The udders of life.

Yeah.

Wow, you're just really shocking me at every twist and turn here.

Yeah, well, I mean, I kind of teased a different roleplay to Vanessa earlier. I wet her palette for the pizza man, and pizza man didn't show up.

Yeah, he had some really good lines about the pizza man, and I was like, stop, stop. Like, we have to do this live. I don't want to, like. I want to have genuine reactions.

Yeah, so.

So I was expecting the pizza man.

Well, I. I mean, you already had your reactions to the pizza man, so we had to switch it up.

Slices. He was gonna give me a real big slice.

Yeah, real, you know, it was hot, drippy, greasy.

Milkman, though. Wow. Amazing. So if you haven't guessed, today, we were talking about role playing. This always.

We were not talking about milkmen.

We're not talking about milkmen.

Damn.

We were talking about role playing. I mean, milkman fits into it, obviously, but, you know. No, we're not gonna do a whole Episod the Milkman so we turned over to Instagram. We asked, you know, have you ever role played before? I think we've all heard about role playing in the bedroom, but we were curious about how many people have actually done it. This was a surprising number to me. 74% of our audience has never role played in the bedroom.

Wow. I wonder if, after listening to this episode, if people would still say that they have or haven't role played ever before.

I put up an answer in the poll that says, like, I'm not sure if it counts because I. I was willing to bet that there were a lot of people who are like, oh, I didn't do like a full scene or anything like that. So I put that. But Even with that, 74% of people still said, no, they have not.

All right, interesting. I'm still interested if people listen to this episode. Let us know. If you listen to the episode, do you feel like maybe you. Your. Your definition of roleplay has perhaps expanded a bit and maybe you would consider something that you have done in the past, perhaps some light role playing? Because I think people tend to have a pretty extreme definition of what role playing is. Like Vanessa was saying is alluding to these sort of more elaborate scenes. And we'll talk about what that means a little later. But, yeah, I just, I think a lot of people think that it's this really extreme or complicated thing when in reality, like most things, sex, it does not have to be extreme. It does not have to be complicated. Of course it can be, but better to start small.

Yeah. So we also asked, if are people interested?

Do you even care?

So, fortunately, 58% of people said either that they definitely would be interested or they might be interested in role playing. That number actually was a bit smaller than I was expecting it to be. Yeah, kind of half.

Yeah. Well, so also, let us know after you listen to this episode, were you someone that was on the fence or not so interested? And maybe you hear what we have to say and think, hmm, maybe. Maybe role playing is not so scary after all. Maybe it doesn't mean all these big scary things. It doesn't say anything weird or bad about me or my relationship. It's just fun.

It's just fun.

It's just a little milkman action. Who don't want that.

I don't want milkman.

I mean, I do wonder how many people just immediately turned off the episode after, like, no, not the milkman.

This is the most unsexy roleplay episode ever. The Milkman of my nightmares Actually, yeah. I think I'd put milkman more in, like, nightmare than fantasy territory. Well, he sounds a little creepy to me.

I mean, I think there was something. There's something to the stereotype from back in the day that, like, the milkman was the secret father to so many. So many kids on the block.

Why was that?

Well, I mean, you know, it's back in the day, like, 50s, 60s, you got a lot of, like, housewives at home, and. And every single day, you got this, you know, this one man is coming to the house alone. Anything could happen.

All right, well, I mean, we know that in general, anytime you try something new in the bedroom, it can feel a little awkward, a little scary or challenging. Actually, by far and away, the number one question that we got on Instagram about role playing was, like, how do you do it without making it feel awkward or silly?

I feel like that's the number one question people have about almost anything. How do I do it without it being awkward? How do I do it perfectly the first time without knowing anything about it or ever trying it before?

Oh, yeah. We've got a lot of sexual performance pressure that we put on ourselves. So we are not going to tell you how to do it perfectly because there is no such thing as perfect sex. But we are going to break it down into some really simple and fun baby steps to help you ease into role playing for the very first time.

But before that, per usual, we are going to get into our review of the week. So from the oldies. Oh, oh, Oldies, Milkman.

Oh, this is the perfect episode for you then.

Perfect segue. Thank you so much, team, for, you know, queuing that up. No one having any idea that I was going to bust out the milkman at the beginning. A gift we didn't know we needed. After 40 years of some pretty great sex, you guys have us talking finally about why it's great and how it can be better. It might have been your intent to reach a younger audience than us, but we wanted you to know that you're making an impact on these empty nesters. 60 is looking better every day. Thank you for sharing your stories and taking the awkwardness off the table so we can just enjoy the meal food metaphor, in case you missed it. Wink.

Oh, what a cute review. Yeah, we really mean this podcast to be for everyone, honestly. Like, we don't have a certain age range in mind. People are always nervous about, like, oh, are we too old for you or too young for you? And we're like, no, everybody's welcome here. But thank you for this delightful review. It really goes a long way towards helping the podcast grow and reach new couples and reach more couples who are empty nesters.

Yeah.

So we do a weekly giveaway. If you leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, just scroll to the bottom of the main podcast page and you'll find the reviews section. If you leave us a review, we will enter you into a giveaway every week going forward. And if you are the winner, like this delightful person, you can DM us on Instagram @VanessaMarin Therapy. Ask us a question and we give you our best advice in response. So your chance to get personalized advice, feedback, and more from the two of us. So first, let's just describe, like, what role playing actually is, because I'm sure there are some people who are like, I'm not like, I've heard that word, but I'm not quite clear exactly what it means.

Yeah, we almost didn't even have this part in the podcast. And just now we're like, hold on, why don't we just go all the way back and even say, what is role playing? I feel like this is a huge thing with sex Stuff is there's all these terms and, like, we think we know what they mean or, like, we've heard them or we don't know what they mean and we've heard them enough times that we're like, God, it's so embarrassing for me to ever even ask or Google what this means because I should know at this point and I don't. So, like, I kind of think it's this one thing, but maybe it's not. So I love just defining things like this so that it's like we're all operating from the same page.

All right, so you take a crack at it. What's your definition of role playing?

Well, we kind of alluded to this earlier in that, like, a lot of people have ideas of role playing being this complicated thing, but in reality, I think role playing is a pretty broad thing. It's just pretending to be something or to do something in bed. You could role play by yourself, but for the most part, role playing, I think is, you know, with at least one partner with at least one other person and pretending to be someone or be doing something while you are having sex.

Okay, that's a great definition.

So, yeah, I mean, yeah, it could just, you know, it's kind of like adult playtime, so to speak. Like, oh, let's play milkman and bored housewife, or let's play, you know, pizza delivery Guy and person getting the pizza who maybe invites the pizza man in for a little more.

What if the pizza man and the milkman got there at the same time?

Oh, I mean, that could be a threesome role play for sure.

Okay, so why would somebody want to role play? If you're one of those people who hasn't tried it yet, how might we be able to convince you to give it a shot? I think first and foremost is just that it's something new to do in the bedroom. You know, we talk a lot about how important it is to keep trying new things. That's probably the single best thing that you can do to keep your sex life feeling exciting and sexy, even years decades down the road. So role playing really just gives you endless opportunities to try something new in the bedroom. It can also make you feel a lot closer to explore with your partner. It's just like you guys are doing something new together. You're getting to see each other in a new light. You're having these new experiences with each other. You can kind of explore these different aspects of your personality or your dynamic together. It just can be a very bonding experience.

Another element is that it can kind of activate two types of stimulation, like both physical stimulation of having sex, but then that mental stimulation of playing the role or fantasizing. Because I think the reality is, over time, we have sex with our partner, we get more and more comfortable with it. Our brain kind of shuts off. I think a lot of us just. We go through the motions of having sex. We know what we're each gonna do.

Or our brain goes into overdrive thinking about, like, our to do list, you know, other stuff that we have to get done, Rather than thinking about the sex that we're having in that moment.

It's like a negative mental stimuli. Like. Like, the mental simulation has nothing to do with sex, and it's actually taking away from your physical stimulation. So, you know, if you think back, like, the first couple times you have sex with your partner, you probably had a lot of mental stimulation. You're probably thinking about, like, oh, like, what are we doing? What's gonna happen next? What's this gonna be like? Role playing can be a great way to bring that mental stimulation back, that kind of novelty factor of like, oh, we're doing something new. I have to be engaged both in my body and in my mind.

Yeah, a lot of people really need that mental stimulation during sex. I think just like what you said, we tend to think is, like, this physical experience. But a lot of us need to be mentally engaged too.

I mean, that's why like, like during masturbation, like most people are fantasizing about something to bring more senses into play.

Yeah. And it can also be a great way. Like if you are that kind of person who's thinking a lot about all of the. Your errands that you need to run and responsibilities during sex, role playing can be really great because it gives your brain something else to do. So you're using your brain but not to be thinking about all these like distracting thoughts instead.

Oh yeah, that's good. Yeah. So if you find yourself distracted by your to do list a lot and you don't love the idea of role play, maybe think about it some more. It's gonna be a great way to combat that overactive mind.

Role playing can also be really playful. I mean, I think you said it in your definition. It's like the adult version of play. You know, a lot of us tend to take sex really seriously. We think that it needs to be this like very perfect and awkwardness free type of thing. But like role playing can be a really fun way to actually just play around in the bedroom and make it feel more light hearted and fun and just, yeah, not quite so intense or serious. You can have intense role playing too.

A high pressure scene.

Yeah. But still it's this sense of like kind of playing with each other.

Then finally it can be a great way to explore certain fantasies without actually playing out those fantasies in real life. Now I think this is a really important distinction. It can be. It's not like when you role play, it does not mean that you therefore want to play out that scene in real life or that fantasy in real life. However, if you have a certain type of fantasy that you aren't sure if you want to play out in real life and you can role play it, that can be an absolutely great way to figure out is this something that I really, that I really do want to try? So a good example could be if you are curious about swinging. For example, you could play out swinging in a role play situation. Like, you know, you and your partner are like, okay, let's pretend that we are just meeting at a party and we don't know each other and we're gonna have sex for the first time and play that out. What that's like. So obviously you're not having sex with somebody else. You're having sex with your partner. You're pretending to be different people and you can see, oh, how does this feel? Does this not feel so good even Though I'm still having sex with my partner, maybe this is something that I want to think about a little more before I jump into that or we jump into that situation. Or you love it and you're like, okay, great, let's keep role playing this and then start doing it in real life if we are loving it.

Yeah. Okay, so let's transition into how to talk to your partner about role playing, how to suggest it, how to bring it up for the first time. So one of our favorite tricks for suggesting trying anything new in the bedroom is what we like to call the dream scheme. So you just tell your partner that you had a dream about it. So you're like, you know, oh, I had this dream last night that we were role playing during sex. It's not something I'd ever thought about before, but it was so sexy in my dream. Now I can't stop thinking about it. So you're kind of. It is a little bit of a lie that you're telling. But we've said before, there's, there's a very fine line between daydreaming and night dreaming. So, you know, but it can be just a nice way to like, introduce something to your partner without feeling this like, pressure, intensity of having to come right out and say, I want to try this with you, or like, I've.

Been thinking about this for weeks and months and years and I'm finally bringing it up to you and it's this really high stakes thing. This happened last night. I never really thought about it, but now I am thinking about it.

Of course, you can also just use this podcast as an excuse. Hey, I was listening to this podcast. I didn't, haven't thought about doing it before, but it was really turning me on. It sounds like a fun idea.

Yeah. So if you're listening together, just hit pause right now, now.

And turn to your partner.

Turn to your partner and say, all right, so here's what I'm thinking about.

Another thing that you can do is just kind of start it. So we suggest doing this outside of the bedroom first. And we're going to talk in a little bit about, like, kind of ways to ease into role playing and some of the incorrect assumptions that a lot of us have about how role playing has to work. But so let's say that your partner is like fixing something around the house. You can start kind of being flirty with them and like, oh, look at you.

Like, oh, look at all this sexy handyman in my house. I got you, babe.

She's had the Funniest look on your face. Couldn't keep it together.

Look at this sexy handyman. Maybe you should take me. Take me to the bedroom and use that drill on me.

Oh, wow. I like that. Or like, you know, oh, thank you so much for fixing that. Just realized I forgot my checkbook. I'm not sure how I'm gonna pay you. So you can kind of introduce it as this, like, just flirting back and forth between the two of you where it's like, you're not playing these super elaborate roles. It's like your partner's already doing something. Like, maybe they're walking the dog or they're cleaning out the pool or whatever it is, you know, so it's like you're already in that role, so you're just starting to, like, flirt with each other a little bit in those roles and pam it up a little bit. So that can be a nice way to, like, introduce it again outside of the bedroom. But then you can, like, loop back around inside of the bedroom and kind of bring it up again, like, oh, yeah, so I forgot to pay you earlier, that kind of thing. So that's another way to start it.

I think. This is the area where I was thinking that a lot of people might listen and be like, oh, you know, like, maybe we do do this a little bit. Maybe I have done this before. And if you have, then great. Like, this means that maybe doing some more roleplay or slightly more complicated or in depth role play won't be so much of a jump. Like, at least not as much of a jump as you thought it was. Because it's like, wait, you know, we. We kind of already do this. We have enough trust to kind of, you know, have a couple jokey, flirty things. And then I'd like, oh, I just need to take it to the next level now. Yeah, pay with that blow job instead of just say, oh, no, I forgot my checkbook.

Okay, so here's another good suggestion for, like, getting started. You could always suggest role playing your ourselves first. So a lot of people hear the word role playing and they think of having to roleplay other people, but you don't have to. You can role play yourselves from different periods in your relationship history. So you could say to your partner, like, wouldn't it be fun to recreate us, like, hooking up again for the very first time? Like, remember that first time and how we did X, Y and Z? Like, you actually don't even need to use the word roleplay. You could just say, like, recreate it or like, pretend something like that.

Yeah. Or it could even be, like, a little more pretend. It could be like, remember, like, our first date and we got really, like, scared. Like, too scared to kiss each other, too scared to hook up, and we waited till the second date. Like, what if we had done it on the first date? Like, let's just. Let's just pretend. Ooh. Yeah. Yeah, like something like that.

Alternate history.

Yeah, alternate history.

I like that idea a lot. Another thing that you could suggest is, like, let's say you guys are watching your favorite TV show or you're watching a movie and there's a great sex scene in it. Even reading a book, maybe you could suggest role playing that so you. You watch it together and you're like, oh, my God, that was really hot. Like, what if we pretended to be those characters in the bedroom? So that's another really great way to start with role playing, because you already know what the whole setup is. Like, you know who the characters are, you know what they do. So it takes away that pressure for you to have to, like, figure out, like, who are we gonna be and what's the storyline and what would I. How would I act and what would I say and do and all that kind of stuff. It's like you're just recreat hating something that you've both already seen. So you both know what's going on, and there's not this opportunity of, like, oh, I'm trying to role play the pizza man, and Xander comes at me with the milkman instead.

Oh, my God, I'm frozen. I don't know what to do. But. No, the only thing I want to say about that is just. Just a reminder that what you see in movies tends to be a highlight reel of sex. It's, you know, like, the expectation shouldn't be that it looks like exactly the way it does in the movie, or you have the perfect or, like, simultaneous orgasm like they do in the movie. Just, you know, it's like setting up the scene that's in the movie, but then playing it out in real life the way that sex really works.

Yeah. Okay, so let's get a little bit more into, like, the technicalities of how to role play. So we've sort of been hinting at this one all along, but, like, our main advice here is really to go with baby steps. And at first, especially if you're somebody who's never role played, maybe you're feeling very nervous or kind of awkward about role playing. You know, like, role playing doesn't have to Be this whole elaborate scene with costumes and storylines and backstories and all this stuff. Like, you can really ease your way into it. So we've talked a little bit about, like, starting even just with dirty talk first. You don't actually have to be doing any acting. It's just kind of flirting with each other back and forth about playing different roles. And you can actually even do this through text. If you're too shy to say it out loud, that can be a great first step for somebody to start, like, texting back and forth with their partner about it. So if you do want to do some sort of storyline, we suggest starting with something very simple that you're already familiar with. So that's why we really like copying, like a scene from a book, TV show or a movie.

Yeah. That way you're not like, one person's not like, oh, my God, I forgot, like, what was I supposed to be saying? Or, like, what was my motivation for this? Or something.

You're like, Is it the 1950s? Is the 1920s? Is this a era appropriate word for me to. You know, it's like, you don't have to go into that whole thing. So we actually have your back here as well. We are going to link in the show notes to a free guide that we've put together with our 10 best recommendations for who to roleplay. And these are going to be relationships and dynamics that you're already familiar with, like, you know what the storyline is between these two. So it's going to be really easy to get. Get started with these role plays versus, like, again, this super elaborate. Like, it's the 18th century, you're a duke and I'm, you know, like all that kind of stuff. Like, these are much more straightforward. So we'll put the link to download that in the show notes.

Do you think the milkman's in there?

The milkman is definitely not in there.

Damn it. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I just have to give a real apology to all the listeners. I got you so excited. So milked up at the beginning of this show.

Oh, God.

And you're not gonna get to taste the milk. I'm sorry.

You can feel free to role play the milkman if you want to, but it is not included in our top 10.

You gotta squeeze your own milk.

Squeeze milk.

Milk your own milk. Squeeze. Squeeze the udders to get the milk.

Squeeze the udders.

Oh, good. Okay. You know, I think we maybe put that fantasy to bed.

I think so, babe. I think this is gonna be the last outing of the milkman.

I could be that for my whole life.

Okay, I'm on board with that.

I've retired.

I also just want to give a little reminder here, like, when we're talking about different roles. Xander mentioned this a bit earlier. Like, it's totally okay to play with something in a fantasy that you wouldn't actually want to do in real life or even that's, like, really different from who you are in real life. So, for example, we often hear from women who are like. I describe myself as a feminist, but, like, it feels kind of weird to role play like, a naughty schoolgirl. And, you know, and my partner, her teacher, it's like, it's totally okay to play with things in fantasy. In role play, it doesn't mean anything about who you are as a person. It doesn't make you a hypocrite. And, you know, oftentimes, like, we get the most enjoyment roleplaying people who are very different from who we are in real life. So don't put this pressure on yourself of, like, oh, God, what does it mean about me that I'm getting really turned on? Like, pretending to be the naughty school girl.

Yeah. Now, if the idea of playing a naughty schoolgirl just sounds really gross and bad to you, then absolutely don't do that.

Oh, yeah.

What Vanessa is talking about is, you know, we hear from a lot of people who are like. So, like, I, like, fantasize about this type of role play, or I, like, do this and it's really, really hot. But then I feel kind of icky afterwards because it doesn't feel in alignment with who I am or what I want. You know, what I believe about the world and this. Yeah. Like, it's not who you role play and who you are in real life have to be one in the same. Or, like, just by role playing that naughty schoolgirl. That's who. That's how you want to show up out in the real world.

Yeah, absolutely. And then our next tip is to take the performance pressure off. Like, you are not trying to win an Oscar here. Like, nobody can't win an Oscar.

I'm sorry.

Nobody is, like, rating your performance. Like, that wasn't very convincing. I'm not getting a sense of what your motivations are in this scene. Like, this is meant to be fun and playful and sexy. And in particular, I think it's great to have a conversation with your partner beforehand where you guys give each other permission to laugh. It is okay for laughter to be a part of the role play.

Yeah. Just like, Vanessa immediately started laughing as soon as I told her the milkman.

Was at the door. Yeah, you really caught me off guard with that one. So I think the point is, like, if you have that conversation beforehand, you make it clear, like, yeah, it's okay for us to laugh. Maybe you even do a role play where it's, like, about the two of you laughing together and joking together. You know, that can really be helpful. But you make it clear, like, this is us laughing together, having fun, being playful together, rather than, like, me laughing at Xander because I'm making fun of him. Right. So it's like, we never want our partner to feel ashamed or embarrassed, like, we're laughing at them. It's more about, like, us laughing together. So, you know, like, when you and I have role played in the bedroom, it's definitely like, humor has been a part of it. Like, we're kind of jokey with each other. We can laugh a certain part. So we don't put this pressure on ourselves, like, stay super serious the entire time.

We're not the most serious people.

We're definitely not the most serious people. So, like, you know, we might. Like, we've had times where we've had more serious role play, but even then, like, we don't put this pressure on ourselves. Like, you broke zine, you broke character.

Yeah. No one's like, oh, my God, you ruined it for me.

Yeah. Like, we. One of us might giggle or you might smile at each other, and then we go back into it. So I think just having that same expectation with each other, it can really help you both feel more comfortable.

Yeah. On the flip side, it's kind of like, what's the worst thing that can happen is, like, you're in this sort of like, really hot, hot kind of fantasy scene, and all of a sudden, in the absolute worst case scenario, like, the. The spell is broken and then you're just having sex, and it's still sex, and it's great. Like, it's not like you're like, oh, my God, it's over. I never want to do this again. I can never get hard again. I can never have an orgasm again. Yeah, that's just. Yeah. It's just not how it's gonna work.

Yeah. And again, this is just another plug for, like, starting very simple with some of those baby steps that we mentioned. If you start, like, your very. This super elaborate thing with, like, costumes and a whole setup, like, of course you're gonna feel more embarrassed if, like, your partner starts laughing. So you're like, oh my God. I like went to all this effort, I did all this stuff, and now they're laughing at me. Right. But if you're just starting with like very small, subtle little things, role playing yourselves, or even just flirting outside of the bedroom, if one or both of you laughs, like, it just doesn't feel like such a bad thing as it might if you've kind of gone into the deep end of it.

It.

So from there, like once you've tried this out, you've gone through these baby steps, you're kind of tiptoeing your way through it once you start to feel more comfortable with it and if you want to go further, you can get as elaborate as you want with role playing. Like, there are so many different options. You could get really specific in the roles that you're playing. You could get much more specific about like a plot line, like a scene. That's what we've been talking about, about, you know, using that word. A scene is like having a specific sort of plot line that's going on. So you could get really elaborate with that if you want to, like all these different elements of the plot. It unfolds in different ways.

Yeah, you could even have like dialogue, like scripted dialogue if that's, if that's how you want to do it, you know, do you want it to be a free flowing scene? Do you want it to be very specific there to be kind of, I mean, that guidelines.

Yeah, that could be a super hot thing. It's like you guys write the script together beforehand. It's kind of like writing your own erotica and like, ooh, and then what if this happens next and what if that happens next? And it's not like you have to memorize a script like you would if you were actually like actors in a movie.

Unless you really want to.

Sure, if you want to go for it. But like, you could more like script out the plot line of like, oh, okay, well, what would happen next and what would happen next? So that could be a fun way to play too. You could also play around with getting into your characters way in advance. So maybe you're even role playing like for an hour or two beforehand if you have the privacy. Heck, like might not role play all day long, really get into those characters. This could be a super fun thing to do on vacation. You could literally have, maybe you do a little weekend getaway somewhere and you could literally be two different people the whole time. So that could be something fun too. Like we've mentioned, you could bring costumes into it. Halloween costumes. You can always find a cheap, you know, a little naughty nurse outfit, schoolgirl.

Outfit, a period piece, you know, Victorian.

Victorian woman with the, like, big bustled skirts and, like, little weird pant underwear.

Yeah. It might take you an hour to put it on, but that could be part of the fantasy. Who knows?

If you're into it, go for it. Props could be a part of it too. I mean, and props can be something. You could be really simple with props. Like, with the handyperson example. They could just have, like, a little clipboard. Like, I think most people have a clipboard hanging out somewhere, you know?

Yeah. Surprise home inspection.

Yeah. Oh, God, that also sounds like a nightmare right now. We just bought this house.

This bed is not up to regulation.

I do not want a surprise home inspection right now. We forgot to mention that this is our first podcast that we're recording in our new home.

Yeah. In the podcast studio. Yeah, I put studio in quotes. It is a carpeted bedroom, which is great for Echo, I think.

Oh, should we role play podcast hosts?

Yeah.

Actually, this whole episode, this is really.

Just all a scene, guys.

The whole episode is just Sandra and I role playing.

I can't wait to be done with this so we can go get it on. I'm so hot right now.

Literally, the whole podcast, all 59 episodes, have just been.

Oh, it's been leading up to this point. It's been a. It's been a slow burn. I. You know, it's been 59 episodes of edging.

I can't wait.

Today is the day we consummate our marriage.

Oh, my gosh. The role.

Nearly 11 years.

Wow. Okay, so props. Yes. Props could be simple, or they could be very elaborate. You could buy props specifically for a role play that you wanted to act out locations. Like, maybe if you guys are role playing yourselves, you can go back to, like, places that you went for certain dates. If you're doing a trip somewhere, you can kind of role play based on that location. So there are lots of different possibilities for making the. This, you know, as elaborate as you want it to be. So, again, start small, use your way into it. But if it's something that you like, you get excited by. There is just a whole world of role playing possibilities in front of you.

All right, let's get into a couple listener questions.

Okay.

I think these. Yeah, there's some good ones here because I think this will address a lot of the fears, the. The. The bad scenes that people have in their mind about what could happen.

Okay.

All right, so my partner wants me to role play. But it makes me worried that he doesn't think I'm. Or that our sex life is boring.

Oh, yeah. This is such a common misconception that people have. A lot of people think exactly this. That, like, you're role playing because something is wrong with your sex life. So it's like, you feel like you have to pretend to have a better sex life.

Oh, like. Or, like, oh, it's come to this. Our sex life is so bad that the only thing left for us. I mean, there's some faulty logic here. Because if the logic is our sex life is so bad bad, the only thing left to do to make it better is to role play. That also does imply that role playing will improve your sex life. So why wouldn't you want to role play to start with? Like, if role playing can make a bad sex life better, shouldn't it therefore be able to make a good sex life better as well?

Okay, thank you for taking us on that little mind bender there. So we just want to be super clear, like, role playing, like, anything else new that you try in the bedroom. It's just a fun new addition. It's a fun new way to explore. It does not mean anything about the current state of your sex life. So actually, the example that's popping up into my head is, like, travel. Like, would you ever say, oh, well, why do you want to travel? Does that mean you hate the place that you live? It's like, no, not necessarily.

I just.

It's cool to see someplace new. It's cool to see someplace different. If you're trying different cuisines of food, is it like, oh, do you just hate the food that you were grown, you know, raised eating? No, I just, like, why wouldn't I try these other kinds of food?

Like, to have some variety?

I mean, literally, you could think that about anything. Like, why would you buy new clothes? Why would you ever want to move? It's just like, you know, so many different things. So, yeah, trying something new does not say anything about the current state of your sex life. So you're not. Your partner's not asking you to role play because they don't like you or they don't like your sex life. Like, it's the opposite. They're asking to role play with you because they like you and they want to explore new and exciting things with you.

Yeah, I mean, this is super common to, like, the objection that people have about sex toys as well. Like, oh, my God, you want to bring a sex toy into things. What does that say? About my ability to please you. And it's just like that has nothing to do with that. I think it's so, so often that we just go to these extremes in our head. Like, what is the most extreme version of this thing and what would it say about me? And there I'm going to use that as my reason for why I don't want to do this. So. Yeah, if you find yourself doing that, just remind yourself, oh, yeah, it's. This is an extreme, extreme, extreme scenario that I'm creating in my head. And it doesn't have anything to do with that. That's just my fear talking.

Yeah.

All right. I feel like there would be pressure to not break character. Would that take the focus away from me reaching orgasm?

Okay, so if you're the kind of person who like, wants to have a super serious, elaborate role play where you like, you don't want break character, that's totally cool. Like, we still recommend easing your way into it because you need practice, just like an actor needs practice to, like, learn how to really be in character. Like, you're gonna need to take time to get yourself to that point. But for the vast majority of people, I think it's too much pressure to put on yourselves to say that you have to be in character, like perfectly the entire time through.

Yeah. I mean, and if you did want to be in character, I. I think you have to weigh the trade offs of. It's really sexy for me to stay in character all the time, but, huh, it's also challenging for me to orgasm. So, like, you would have to make that, you know, figure out the trade off for yourself. Like, would I rather have that really sexy mental stimulation of, oh, I have to say in character or do I. Is it more important for me to have that physical stimulation? But yeah, what Vanessa's saying is, you know, the vast majority of people are not going to be like, oh, I have to be 100% in character. It's the only way I can mental get off. So. Yeah. Then just don't set up a scene that requires you to be totally in character.

Yeah. And this reminds me of another tip that we haven't mentioned yet, is you could agree to stop the role play at a certain point where you kind of let the roles drop away and then it's just the two of you having sex.

I feel like you and I do this a lot.

We do this a lot. Yeah.

Because the reality is. Yeah, it's more. I mean, for me at least it's more like the fantasy at the beginning it's like getting you fired up. It can be really hot and sexy. And then once you get started, started, then it's sort of like instinct takes over. Or it's like, all right, let's. Let's drop the act and get down to business.

Yeah, so we. We do that a lot where, like, the role plays, like, the flirtation or the beginning of sex. But, like, once we start going, like, we're not still talking about, like, oh, well, this electrical outlet isn't, like, the proper one for this location. It's like, if you still want to be really serious about your characters, it's like, well, okay, once the handy person is having sex, like, they're not talking about handy stuff anymore. Like, they're having sex and they're excited about it. So you can always do something like that too.

All right, now someone wants to know, is it better to improv the scenario or script it out?

I don't think there is an objective answer here. Like, it's not always better to improv or always better to script it out. It really depends on what sounds the sexiest to you. I mean, in general, again, like, we'll keep repeating this, like, story start simple, where it doesn't have to be this super elaborate thing with all this pressure to have a script or to have it all improv out. But you can explore doing it both ways. Like, if you feel really nervous about role playing and you're like, it would help me to have an idea beforehand of what the scene is, what we're doing, then for sure talk through it beforehand and approach that conversation as a sexy thing too. It's not this, like, okay, all right, tell me what I'm supposed to do. And now I'm really anxious. I'm not sure if I can pull this off. It's like, oh, okay, we're going to role play this tonight. All right, well, what should happen? Like, what should. What should. The first time that we meet be? What should we say to each other? What should be, like, you know, gonna happen next? So this is gonna be a really fun and sexy conversation, too. In general, though, I would say, like, in terms of going the improv route, like, at least have an idea of what you're doing. Like, I wouldn't spring it on your partner in the moment of, like, okay, I'm your swim instructor right now, and, you know, you're just gonna, like, kind of catch your partner off guard of, like, wait, what? What's happening?

Yeah, I think it's good to start out with improv, but not like a high stakes improv. Like you would see an actual improv show. Like just very high level guy. Like you are this person and I am this person and this is what we're doing. There's no other important details. It's not like, oh, you need to remember like all the characters of the 10 other people in the improv troupe and interact with them perfectly or whatever. And then as you get more comfortable with it and, and only if you are deciding you want to go more in depth, then it can be a more specific type of improv where there are some guidelines. And I would say the scripting out is maybe more of an advanced. Only do that if you really want to. There is no requirement ever that you do a scripted out. Vanessa and I have never done this. I don't think we probably ever will because I don't think that's something that appears feels to either of us. Yeah, but that, that would be like, if it was like I have this very specific fantasy or this thing I've been thinking about and I just, I want to experience what it would be like for it to go this very specific way then. And you know, your partner brings that to you and you want to do that with them, then by all means do that.

Yeah, I'm gonna change my answer actually and I'm gonna say neither. For a beginner, like, it's best to have the idea of who and what you're role playing, but then to like improv the actual words that you're saying in the moment, not to have like a written out script.

All right. My husband sprung some role play on me in the past and I laughed because I was caught off guard and nervous. I really want to role play with him, but he said I hurt his feelings and he doesn't want to do it again.

This is also a pretty common scenario that happens. And this is why we talked so much about like letting laughter be a part of the role play so that you don't laugh and then your partner, you know, feels like you're making fun of them in the moment. Like you really want to normalize that. Like the laugh after is okay and you're both going to do it.

And also this is why it's so important to ease into role play rather than it being like, okay, let's sit down. I need to, I need to ask you something. We need to have a conversation. I want to role play. Instead of that, it's just these, you know, simple like, oh, let's pretend this. Or like you just kind of start flirting in a roleplay, like, way. Like, I think the person asking this question is basically saying, oh, I want to do this more involved scene, and, like, actually bring it up with him. And he's like, oh, no, you shut me down in the past. It's like, I feel like there's probably ways this person could start role playing without actually initiating any kind of conversation of, like, hey, let's role play.

The first thing that I would say, though, is that they have to apologize to the husband if they haven't already. And just to say, I am so sorry that I laughed at you. And it's really ironic that I did laugh because that turned me on so much. It is something that I do want to explore with you. I just got caught off guard. I felt nervous. It stirred up, like, my own shame and embarrassment around sex and, like, I am so sorry. And I would also give your partner the space to, like, explain what that felt like. Tell your partner something like, you know, if you're open to sharing with me, like, I would really love to know how that felt for you in the moment. Like, I imagine it can't have felt very good. Good, you know, so give them a little bit of space to say, like, yeah, like, I felt really embarrassed or I felt ashamed, or I felt like you were laughing at me. You know, anything like that. Just apologize to them and, you know, let them know this is something that you really want to explore. That your laughter wasn't about them doing a bad job or doing something they shouldn't have done, but it was, like, more out of nerves. And I think, you know, most of us tend to laugh when we're nervous. You know, that's a very common, very human response. So maybe your husband's even, like, how had experience with doing this himself. But, yeah, just give that apology. And I like saying that. Like, it's ironic that I laughed because it's actually something I really want to do with you, and I'm bummed. I hope that you'll give me the chance to, like, for us to do.

This again with that. You could also say, you know, like, I would really love to do this in the future, and it doesn't need to, you know, we don't need to start with this big, involved, detailed thing. Like, I would like to bring a more playful side of me into the.

Bedroom with you or maybe even show them this episode and say, like, you know, I really want to do this. So I took the time to listen to this episode. I would love for you to listen to it with me. So, you know, I wanted to learn how I could be better at doing this. So you're kind of showing your partner that you really are being truthful about wanting to explore with them. All right, well, that wraps up our episode on how to roleplay. Don't forget that in the show notes. We will link to our free guide about 10 ideas for who to role play and.

Sorry, no milkman.

No milkman.

You know, maybe if you guys are asking for part two or, you know, you want 10 more ideas. Very deep Xander's weird roleplay fantasies. Think of some. You know, if you're into awkward role play, I can come up with some real weird ones for you to play. No, just kidding. I. I don't think we'll be doing that. All right, cool. Well, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. I'm gonna just go out on this milk bang sand. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about what to do when your partner isn't into personal growth or therapy.

That's going to be a good one.

Oh, yeah. See you next week.