EPISODE 61: Putting The O Back In Mom: Reigniting Your Sex Life After Kids

Most people can't just go from, like, hardcore mom mode into hardcore mom mode. But, like, no, you can't go from, like, I've been a mom for the last six hours and then, like, boom, I flip the switch and then I'm, like, super sexy, ready to go.

Hello, and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Today's episode is for. For the moms out there.

Oh, yeah.

We are talking about how to get your groove back after having kids. That's a really dated reference. Have you ever seen how Stella got her groove back?

I have never seen it. I feel like I hear it referenced all the time. I think I was kind of young when it came out.

Yeah, it was like, I was a.

Little too young to really understand, like, what getting a groove back meant. And you know what this is. This is funny because, like, I have this picture in my head of, like, what, the COVID This is how I'm dating myself. My. My recollection of, like, what the COVID of, like, the VHS blockbuster or whatever. What it looked like. And it looks just like, oh, I just assumed, oh, like, gets her groove back. Like she's going through a tough time in life and. And, you know, I feel like I have this picture in my head of her, like, maybe like, dancing, like, on a beach or like.

Yes. Yes. Is that exactly. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it's like, oh, yeah, like, she, you know. Yeah. Like, I don't know, she's, like, been really awkward and now she's got her groove back. But, you know, so I'm dating myself and I'm kind of telling you how old I was.

I just looked it up. It was 98. So.

Okay.

Well, not. You could have watched it.

I was. I was maybe a late bloomer.

Maybe your mom needed it.

Yeah. Yeah. So What? I was 13 in 98. Yeah.

So, yes, today we are talking about how to get your groove back after having kids. This is something that the moms in our audience have just been begging us to talk about for such a long time. And so we're really excited to do this episode. We know that it's something that is just very direly needed. We actually pulled our Instagram audience. We asked parents, has your sex life suffered after kids? And 91% of people said yes. 91% of parents said their sex life got harder in some way after having kids.

That's a. It's a resounding percentage.

A resounding, very resounding. Absolutely. And so we heard in particular back from the moms, you know, and so we asked, tell us, what are the specific things that have gotten in the way, like, why does your sex life feel more complicated or more difficult now? And we got so many responses, but this is just a small sampling of them. Body changes, lack of confidence. Everyone always needs something, and I'm tired of giving. Our relationship has changed so much. Sleep deprivation, painful sex, lack of privacy.

Feeling unsupported and maybe even resentful feeling touched out, having a complete and utter lack of energy. And then finally, we heard this a lot as well. Just this idea that moms can't be or aren't supposed to also be sexual in addition to being moms.

Oh, yeah.

Like being a mom and being sexual are like two incompatible identities.

Yeah, you're not allowed to be both at the same time. So today we're gonna give you our five best tips for reconnecting with your sexuality as a mother. Feeling that part of yourself again. Just getting your groove bag, going to.

Dance on the beach, getting your Stella on.

Yeah.

First we gotta get into the review of the week, per usual. So thanks for including this Single Pringle.

Oh, Single Pringle.

All right. That figures into their name as well, I guess. All right. I was hesitant to subscribe to this podcast because I'm eternally single and happy and thought nothing would apply to me. But you guys have made me realize that sexual health and self discovery is important to everyone, regardless of your relationship status. I appreciate your approach to these topics from various perspectives and situations. And also someone who has chosen to not have kids and making sure everyone feels safe and welcome to explore these topics without judgment. Even if some things don't apply to me, I'm always excited to see what you guys talk about next. Thanks for the support and the laughs.

Wow, what a sweet review. I really like that one. I love the idea of, like, everybody being able to find something like, of course, you know, the human experience is so diverse, we can't talk directly to every person. But I love that approach of, like, let me see what's here for me. What little nugget can I Take, take, and apply to my own life. So I love that perspective. Thank you, Single Pringle.

Yeah. And I mean, yeah, if you're not in a relationship. Anything we talk about about relationships can be extremely applicable and especially applicable and especially powerful if you use it and you implement it when you are starting to get into a relationship with someone or even if you're just casually dating. All. None of this stuff we talk about, like, only applies to relationships. It's not like, okay, cool, you can be a bad communicator until you get into a relationship and then all sudden, boom. Now I use the communication rules, but until then, game on.

So thank you again for this amazing review. It really means so much to the podcast. I did not understand this before I started a podcast. Like, I would hear my favorite podcasters ask for reviews, and I was like, yeah, whatever. And I really didn't understand that. Like, that's how a podcast grows is the more reviews you have, the more Apple and Spotify will, you know, recommend and show your podcast to others. So it actually makes a huge difference. It's not just us. Want to hear nice reviews for our own egos.

Yeah. It's not a vanity project for us.

So we really, really appreciate you taking 60 seconds of time to just jot down a quick review on Apple Podcasts. You can also leave a star rating on Spotify. And if you leave us a review, we will enter you every week. Going forward, you will be entered into our weekly review giveaway. And if you're the winner, if your review is read on the podcast, you can DM us on instagramnessamarintherapy and ask us a question, and we will give you best advice, like a mini personalized coaching session. Right back at you. All right, so let's get into the episode. So we actually are taking this content straight from. I think it's our newest course.

It's the newest thing that we've released, our newest offering.

Yeah. So we have a course called MILFs, DILFs, and PILFs. That is Mother.

Mothers.

Mother. What can we always. You got this wrong last time. You want to say, like, you want to say.

You know what? It's so don't say mothers. That. That's the thing that trips you up.

Yeah.

Because you go mothers. And then you go, okay, father. So it's mom's dad.

Or we could just call it filths, milfs, filths and pills.

Yeah, I want to be a filthy filth. You filthy filth. No, it's moms, dads, and parents. People or parents.

Yeah, I'd like to. That's what it stands for. So anyways, we had to get funny and playful with our tit there, even though we cannot ever remember that it's dilf's dad I'd like to fuck. But the course is really called Rediscovering Intimacy for Parents. And it's a really specific, very tactical and practical tips for parents who want to rediscover that intimate connection between the two of them. So we will link to that in the show notes. If you like this episode, then you are definitely going to want to check that out. But we decided to pull out a few of our favorite tips from the course so you could get a little bit of a sense of what the course is all about. And we have such a huge value on giving away content for free. So even though this is a paid course, we want to give you little snippets of it in case you're in a situation where, you know, you financially can't afford to invest in your relationship like this. So let's jump into it. Okay, so the first of our five tips is to respect the season. So obviously, we are all about helping couples reconnect, have more sex, have better relationships. And that being said, like, some seasons of life, you just are not going to have the ability or the capacity to focus on sex, and that is okay. So our mission is not to, like, put pressure on couples of, like, you know, every single day you need to be having sex and being intimate. Like, we absolutely recognize that there are certain seasons of your individual lives, your relationship, your family, where things just are so much more complicated. And I think some really great examples in particular are, like, after childbirth, like, you need. Need lots of time to physically heal, emotionally heal, like, reconnect with each other. So the idea of, like, pushing yourself to be intimate again, like, right after childbirth, that's just ridiculous. It's not gonna happen. Or maybe there's just some other, you know, injury or illness with someone in the family. Maybe there's some other big life event that's going on. Like, I just think it's so important for us to give ourselves grace in certain seasons and recognize, like, you know what? This is just a specific period of time where this has to go on the back bur even has to be off the table entirely.

Yeah, I think it was just yesterday we got a DM from someone kind of giving an example of their husband pressuring them to have sex immediately after a C section or being like, like, super frustrated and resentful. That he can't have sex with her immediately after a C section. And she's like, what can I do about this? Like, she's taking that on, and it's like, buddy, what can you do about this?

Like, I mean, that one made me so mad because it's like, yeah, she's recovering from a major, major surgery from childbirth. Like, you've physically, you know, medically, it's not okay for you to start having intercourse right after that. So the idea of this husband, like, pressuring her to do that just made me sick to my stomach. And then, sadly, we got a lot of other dms from people saying, like, oh, yeah, my husband, like, wanted me to give him a blow job, like, while I was still in the hospital bed, like, so stuff like that. And so I just, you know, it's really important to us to just say there need to be seasons of your relationship where sex takes a back burner, and that is okay.

Yeah. I mean, like, if you are pushing your partner to have sex with you at a time when they can't, what you are actually doing is you're just setting up a dynamic where your partner feels like sex is something they're obligated to do or that they owe you, and long term, you are just completely shooting yourself in the foot. Like, sex between you ultimately is going to turn into something that they don't actually want for themselves. They're only doing it to appease you or to make you happy or to. Or because they feel like they're obligated to do it. And is that the kind of sex life you actually want to have? So that's my. My little thing to toss out for the guys who might be like, oh, God, why can't I just have sex after the C section?

Oh, that. That message made my blood boil. So, I mean, you know, we do. There are simple daily ways that couples can connect with each other, that they can express to each other, you know, how important they are to each other. And I think, like, when it comes to going into a season of life where, you know there's going to be a dry spell or sex is going to be on the back burner, I think just acknowledging that can go a really long way. Like, hey, look, this thing is coming up, or we're in the middle of this, we really cannot be intimate right now, and that sucks. We're going to miss it. This is really challenging. This is really hard. Like, that little acknowledgement can go a way.

Oh, yeah. Because I think it's very tempting to not Acknowledge it, to kind of not want to talk about it. You know, each of you on your own are like, oh, we're in a challenging season of life. And maybe you're like, okay, yeah, sex is for sure off the table. But I don't feel comfortable saying that or talking about it. But I assume that my partner must feel the same way because, like, they're not asking for it either. And then you're both just kind of like, operating in these silos. And that just creates so much opportunity at as the weeks or months or however long it is goes by for there to be sort of resentment or doubt or worry of like, oh, my God, are we not on the same page? Like, why aren't we doing this? Why aren't we talking about this?

I'm feeling a little marble mouth there.

Yeah.

And then I just got a little marble mouth trying to say marble mouth goodness. Okay, so bottom line here is that it is okay for sex to take a little bit of a back burner. Do not pressure yourself to have your sex life. Always be looking a certain way. Tip number two, balance responsibility as a team. So when we put up question boxes on Instagram, a lot of moms wrote to us and said things like, you know, there's too much mental load weighing on me for me to even think about sex. I need more help. I hate feeling alone in all of this work, and I literally have no time to have sex. I am doing so many things. So unfortunately, the pattern that we almost always see in male female relationships is the woman taking on the majority of the mental load. And so we have a whole podcast episode about mental load. If you've never heard that term before, go look it up. This can get even worse when kids are added to the mix, where it really becomes a woman who's taking on the majority of, you know, doing the household responsibilities, but also tracking the mental load of all those responsibilities, doing the vast majority of the childcare duties, and mentally tracking all of those duties. So bottom line, moms are doing a lot, and it is really hard to see yourself in a sexual way or to, like, tap into your sexual energy when you have so much on your plate and especially if there is very little or no time for yourself.

Yeah, I think it's so important to recognize that stuff like this that is totally non sexual. Like, it's just household responsibilities. How much of an impact other stuff has on your sex life. We hear from so many people who could, like, totally don't make the connection between anything that happens outside of the bedroom. With anything that happens inside of the bedroom.

I mean, I would say the vast majority of the DMs that we get from moms about, you know, struggles with their sex life, they're all like, hey, what supplement can I take? What's the best thing? So little quick aside here, there are no supplements that you can take to increase your sex drive. Like, they're all a waste of money. But I think it goes exactly to your point that like, we're not making this connection of, of, oh, if I've got all of this stuff going on in my life and in our relationship outside of the bedroom, of course that's going to impact my desire to like show up inside of the bedroom. So we think that it is absolutely crucial for couples to balance responsibilities and mental load in their relationship. So let's be clear, it does not have to be 50, 50, like everybody's situation is unique, but it does need to be shared in some way. There do need to be like open conversations about this. Like you have make a specific game plan for your family. Like, you have to feel like a team in this. Because if it's the mom feeling like she's doing everything for everyone all the time, like, there's just no way that you're also going to, you know, have this sky high sex drive and feel super sexy and want to connect with your partner all the time.

Yeah. I mean, plus then sex is just going to feel like one more thing on that list.

Exactly.

Right. Like, yeah, that's not what you want. You don't want sex to end up being just something else on the list. So, you know, if you are a partner listening and you're like, oh shoot, you know what? My partner really does pretty much all the stuff, I should jump in and do some things because I don't want sex to just be another item on the list.

Yeah. You know, I think that we see a lot of jokes, like very stereotypical cheesy jokes about like women getting turned on by chore play. But I think that there's so many women who are just like so desperate for more balance in the relationship that they do genuinely find it sexy when their partner jumps in and does stuff. You know, we hear this a lot from women, like, oh my God, if my partner just takes over, you know, this task without being asked, like, I love watching my partner do this. It's such a turn on. And like, you know, yes, we can laugh and you know, make jokes about like, yeah, porn for women. It's just like videos of men vacuuming but, like, it genuinely is for so many women. Like, we want to feel our partners stepping up and, like, being an adult and taking care of things and taking care of us.

I mean, ironically, I feel like probably if things tended to be more balanced by default, chore play would probably not really be such a turn on for most people. Like, it would lose the allure or, like, reversal.

You still have the people whose love language is acts of service. They'd still be into chore play, I think.

True, true. So we talk about balancing the load so much in Mills Dils and pils, but I do want to give one pro tip for the dudes out there asking, how can I help? Help is actually not helpful. So it sounds like a really nice question, right? But for most people, how can I help? Yeah, how can I help?

Right?

Like, it's so polite. It's nice. I'm offering myself up. But look, the reality is, for most women, it's actually inferior. Infuriating. Wow, Attacked by these words. For most women, it is totally infuriating.

Infuriating.

For most women, it's totally inferior. Oh, my God. Infuriate. Infuriate. Infuriating.

No, you still don't have infuriating.

It's totally. It pisses them off because. Because, look, you're not actually helping. These are your responsibilities too. It's not like, it's not like, oh, well, really, it's just her job to do all this stuff and oh, I'm just so nice by asking to help, like, you're asking yours.

That's your too.

Yeah, like, this is your too. This is your household too. This is your family too. So when you ask her for help, it actually gives her more work because she has to figure out what task to give you. She has to describe how to do it. She maybe has to think about, like, of all these tasks, like, which ones have you done before? Like, can you do it right? Are you actually good?

Have you done it a really crappy job in the past?

Have you done a really bad job in the past? So, yeah, like, how does she describe to you how to do it? Because it's probably more complicated than you think it is. And then if you do do it, she has to make sure that you did it and that you did it correctly and possibly has to jump in and redo some of that work. So the reality is that actually ends up putting more work on her plate and gives her this impossible choice to make of, do I actually give you something that actually makes it harder for me or do I say oh, no, don't worry about it.

I got it.

And further, that dynamic of, oh, you don't actually need to do anything. I'm better at this. And most women are really nice about it and go, oh, well, I like doing this, so it's okay. And you just. You're just, like, further creating the dynamic of, you know, he goes, oh, yeah, well, I don't need to do anything because she likes doing this. And, you know, she's actually.

She's good at it.

She's good at it. She likes it. She's telling me not to do it, so it's got to be okay. And then if she does get upset, eventually when it all bubbles over, he actually has, like, some real ammo to throw back at her, like, hey, you told me not to do this, like, wtf? So.

So. Oh, man. Yeah. So obviously, this is a very complex dynamic, which is why we talk about it in MILF stilts and PILs and help you very quickly come up with a strategic game plan so that it doesn't feel like there's one partner who's the boss and the other partner who's the employee who sometimes comes to work. But one quick tip that you can use is that if your partner just isn't really understanding the importance of balancing the mental load and the responsibilities, I think connecting it to sex can be very helpful. So saying something like, you know, I want us to have a great sexual relationship. I want us to feel really connected and to have all this intimacy. Here's what I need to be able to get there with you. Here's what I need to be able to, like, have the space, have the energy, have the desire to connect with you. So if you kind of tie those things together, sometimes that can help a partner who might not otherwise understand it.

Yeah. And don't beat around the bush when you have that conversation. Like, sometimes guys just need it. It laid out really clear in plain English. Like, in order for me to have time and space and desire to have sex with you, I need you to do these three things, and I just need them done.

And it's not like I just want to be really careful. Okay, a couple of quick things. So first of all is that milfs dilsen pils is for couples of all genders. I know we're talking a lot about males and females here because we do see a lot of these really common dynamics come up in male female relationships. So I just want to make it clear that there is no gender assumption in the course itself. That's really Inclusive. But the other thing is, like, we're not saying that sex becomes a transaction. Like, you do the trash and I will blow your. Blow your.

Blow your junk. I'll blow your load. Wow. What. What will you blow?

I was going to say I'll give you a blow job, but I guess just blow your. I'll blow you your brains out. I don't know.

Wow. This. This took a shocking turn.

It's not what I'm trying to say. Okay, we're not saying sex should be transactional. Like, it's not like you owe your a blowjob because he took the trash out or, like, washed the dishes once, but it's making this connection for your partner of, like, emotional and physical intimacy. Like, we both want to have emotional intimacy and physical intimacy in a relationship. We will cycle back around to this idea of emotional intimacy in a minute. But it's making that connection for your partner of, like, these are the things that I need to feel that kind of connection to you.

Yeah, that's why I was saying, like, this is what I need to have the space and the time and the desire. It's not, like, in order for you to get sex out of me, you gotta do this. It's just, like, in order for me to have a chance at having that desire again. Yeah, I need this.

Exactly. Okay, let's move on to tip number three. And that is to create alone time.

Man. So these last two tips have had, like, literally nothing to do with sex or anything really about sexuality. It's like, yeah, it's super interesting because this tip and the last tip actually have nothing to do with sexual sex at all. They're about stuff that you need to do, you know? Like, the last one was about, like, balancing the load. And this is actually creating more alone time for yourself. And that's because what. What happens a lot of the time is, you know, you start balancing the load a little better or you start managing the responsibilities a bit better. And all of a sudden, some time frees up, and then you're like, okay, cool. Like, I'm in mom mode. I'm doing this, this, this. All right, we got half an hour free right here.

Here.

Let's go to the bedroom. Let's make this happen. And then it's like, wait, hold on. Like, where is. Where's the desire? Like, I. I freed up time and then.

And I don't want to go jump into the bedroom.

Why is that? Yeah. And I'm, like, waiting. Like, where's the desire? Why hasn't the Mood struck. And then. Yeah. And the reality is, is because you can't very. I mean, most. Most people can't just go from, like, hardcore mom mode into hardcore mom mode. But, like, no, you can't. Like, I've been a mom for the last six hours, and then like, boom, I flip the switch and then I'm like, super sexy, ready to go.

Hardcore mom.

Yeah.

Hardcore mom. To hardcore mom.

Oh, yeah. So, yeah. So the reality is, is that you also need some alone time because you need to kind of transition.

You need to make that transition.

Yeah, you need to transition out of mom mode and back to the way you don't transition from mom mode to super sexy whatever mode. Like, you gotta go. It's kind of like you gotta go from mom mode to you, like, you yourself, not a mom, not a sexy person, just you. And then into sexy you.

Yeah. Yeah. So having alone time is important for all of us, I think, especially for moms. And yes, to be able to make that transition from being in mom mode to kind of like coming back home to yourself, I think you need to have some time when you are not a mom, when you're not just responding to everyone else's needs. Like, you are reconnecting with yourself first. So, yeah, exactly. Like Xander said, it's not like you're in mom mode all day taking care of everyone else, and then you go directly into sexy mode where you're taking care of your partner. It's like you need some time where it's just about you.

Yeah. But so many moms judge themselves for having or like, needing to fulfill any of their personal needs. Like, it can just feel like, oh, well, that's just not so important right now. Or that's selfish. Like, I have all these other people to take care of. I've been okay, you know, I've been doing this for years and I. I'm still alive. Like, I must not really need that much myself. But look like it's not selfish. Like, you are still a human being and you deserve to be taken care of by yourself, by your partner, and by your whole family. That's what we do for each other.

I think we send some really fucked up messages to moms where we put all this pressure on them to be superwoman, do it all, be everything for everyone. And then we make women feel so bad for taking any sort of time to take care of yourself. We make you feel like, yeah, it's selfish. There are other things you should be doing. You shouldn't spend money on yourself. You should spend that on your kids you shouldn't spend time alone. That's time you could be spending with your kids, you know, so we, it's just like this awful, awful pressure. But we really want to drive the point home that that's all bullshit. Yes, you're a mom, but you're still a human being, you know, and you deserve to take care of yourself to create that time. So we also want to be clear. Like we're saying create alone time. It is not as easy as like just saying that. Like, we know you're busy, we feels like your days are just jam packed. We know it feels like you have this to do list. It's a mile long and you've never been able to carve a dent in it. Like, we know it's not easy, but it is still really important. Like you and your partner have to make it Happen. So in MILFs, Delfts and PILFs, we actually have a strategy that takes 60 seconds to create a little bit of alone time. So we're really serious about trying to help create strategies for you to like carve out slivers of alone time no matter how much you have on your plate. Okay. Tip number four is to be kind to your body. So so many moms feel disconnected from their own bodies and especially if you've gone through childbirth. You know, a lot of, a lot of moms told us things like, you know, it just feels like my body doesn't belong to me anymore. Another mom said my nipples used to be my favorite erogenous zone. Now they're the babies nipples. So there's this sense of, yeah, your body not being your own anymore. Of other children literally relying on your body for survival. And also a lot of moms feel judgmental of their bodies after childbirth. So, so many moms told us, you know, I feel self conscious about the way my vulva looks, my breasts look, my belly looks, stretch marks, you know, weight gain, even big changes like prolapse or you know, pelvic floor issues. Reconnecting with your body is obviously a whole episode in and of itself. Like we want to be so clear and care in saying like childbirth, pregnancy, like those very monumental changes to your body. And again, this is another area where we put so much shitty pressure on women of like being pregnant. It's so beautiful. Look at that big belly. Like you're creating a new life. And then it's like the second you give birth, you're supposed to snap back, you're supposed to erase any evidence of that having happened. You know, so there's just this unbelievable amount of pressure. But, you know, we do have a few tips that we want to share about starting to reconnect with your body. I think a big one is around mindset, like, just being able to recognize that you deserve to treat your body with love, respect, and compassion. For some women, that can include, like, appreciating what your body does for you or has done for you. I mean, even, like, if you did get pregnant and birth a child, like, that's incredible, an incredible thing that your body did. It can also include talking to your body in positive ways, like being loving and kind to it, and also touching your body in loving ways just too.

And for what it's worth, I can also tell you that the vast majority of men do not see women's bodies the way that women do. In fact, most of us can't even see the things. Like, we. We can't even understand the things that most women are nitpicking about their own bodies. Like, I still don't understand what cellulite is.

Yeah.

Like, the only thing, other than some thing that my skin also does that I. It's hard to even identify sometimes. Yeah.

Go over to our Instagram account. We have a body love highlight that is really powerful to watch if you're struggling with body image issues. Okay. Tip number five is to prioritize emotional intimacy. So we sort of hinted at this one a few minutes ago. But it's really important for couples to recognize that sex isn't just about sex. It is inextricably linked with emotional intimacy. So we talk a lot about, you know, like, there's this whole idea of, like, the spark going out in a relationship. And we like to say that it's not that there's a spark. It's that there's two twin flames of physical and emotional intimacy. And all relationships need both. But a lot of times in relationships, there's one partner who's more focused on the physical intimacy and one partner who's more focused on the emotional intimacy. And it can make it feel like there's this kind of conflict between couples. But it's really important to recognize that both need to coexist. So the particular gender dynamic that we tend to see here, like, in male female relationships, is that it's often the woman who wants to feel that emotional intimacy first. And a lot of women will tell us, like, I don't feel open to having sex or even, like, I don't feel safe having sex unless I feel emotionally connected to my partner first. And the tough thing about being parents is like you've just made this enormous life transition from being romantic partners into being parents. So your emotional connection has already taken a hit. Like you've got so much more on your plate now that it's, you know, it's not just the two of you. You're so overwhelmed and tired and exhausted and doing all the things. So it's like it's hard to feel that emotional connection to each other. Maybe it wasn't even that strong to begin with. That can definitely happen for a lot of couples. So parents really need to prioritize being partners. And not just parents. Like just like we were talking so much about, like you need alone time to, to like reconnect with yourself before you connect with anybody else. Like you and your partner need to be partners and not just parents too. And again, like this can feel so hard to do when you are overwhelmed, when it feels like you're just purely in survival mode. But again, we are like all about teaching you little things that you can do because those little moments throughout the day really do add up those.

Yeah, it doesn't have to be those grand gestures like, oh, well, I can't afford to take a two week international trip or to go out to that seven course meal or buy that super fancy bouquet or whatever it is. Like often these, these stereotypical grand gestures of emotional intimacy are not actually the most meaningful ones.

Yeah, it's, it's actually the little moments, you know, throughout the day that really add up. Like there's the kind words, the little touches expressing gratitude and appreciation, compliments. Like all those things are free by the way. But like, you need to be able to have that emotional intimacy in your relationship. Relationship.

Yeah, I mean we get DMs so often from, from women who are like, like, how, where is my sex drive gone? How come I never want sex? And then like we ask a little bit of like, oh, like what does your relationship look like right now? What does your life look like? It's like, oh, well, my partner and I are like having serious arguments every night about this or that or the kids.

And it's like, or even, yeah, even other things. Like, you know, we don't spend any quality time together. My partner is like a gamer and we never, you know, they're always playing games and like we're not having any time together. Like a lot of different sort of things like that.

Yeah. The bottom line is if there is not any time for any kind of emotional connection, if you guys are not feeling emotionally connected, if you are actively, like, in a lot of conflict, like, yeah, of course you're not going to feel any sexual desire. Like, you got to focus on rekindling that emotional flame.

There we go.

So let me talk just very specifically about male, female relationships. Relationships for a quick second because we know that this dynamic can come up more frequently here. But it can be really difficult for men to understand why emotional intimacy is important or even what emotional intimacy is or what it is. So we talk about this a ton in the course in mills, DILFs and PILFs. And the reason for that is it's not that men don't want emotional intimacy. Like, here's a small split. Most men don't understand or feel safe expressing emotional intimacy in ways that are not sex. And so we talk a lot about just how to kind of bridge the gap between, like, what many men think emotional intimacy is and what many women think emotional intimacy is. And try to get you guys more on the same page about, like, okay, how can we each get each other's needs met in this department?

All right, so those are our top five tips to help moms get their groove back. And again, we will link to milsdilfs and Pilfs in our show notes. It's such a great course. Like, if you are just really struggling with a lack of connection in your relationship, we highly recommend checking it out. We made this so practical. Like, we really understand how busy, how overwhelmed, and just underwater most parents are. And so we worked to make sure that all of the lessons were like two to ten minutes and gave you very practical tips that you could put to use immediately. So this isn't the course that's like, transform your entire relationship and let's go on this, like, huge journey to uncover all the dynamics. And it's just like, no, no. Like, here's what to do when it's Tuesday night at 9:30 and you're exhausted and you're so resentful at your partner. Like, it's very practical. So definitely make sure to check that out if you are interested in reconnecting with your partner.

All right, but we want to hear from you now. So we went to Instagram and asked for listener questions. And here are a couple from you guys. So first question was, when my partner initiates, it doesn't feel sexy. It just feels like unwanted pressure to perform for them. How do I reframe this mindset?

Okay, so first thing that comes to mind for me is what does sex look like between the two of you? That's another dynamic that we didn't have the chance to get into in this episode. Episode. But for a lot of women, like, sex very often feels like something that you're performing for your partner.

If it's not very good for you, you're doing stuff that isn't doing much for you.

Of course it's gonna feel like that. A big part of this needs to be having sex that's for both partners. It prioritizes both partners pleasure. And then I think another part of this is talking about how you initiate sex in your relationship. We do have a master masterclass that's specifically about initiating sex. It's also something that we talk about a little bit in mil stilts and PILFs. But you want your partner to, like, understand the best ways to initiate. So your partner may be kind of defaulting to initiating in certain ways that just aren't really working for you. So I would take a little bit of time to think about, like, what would make you feel sexy and interested, what would make you feel like your partner was inviting you to do something that was going to be mutually pleasurable, not. Not like, hey, want to come give me a job? Or whatever it is. So those are some ideas for that one.

All right, next question is, I just feel like a different person. Like the old me and the new me haven't ever met.

So when I read over this question, it gave me an idea like, what could it actually be like to sort of imagine the old you and the.

New you meeting, like you're going on a friend's date. Take them out on a friend. A friend threesome.

This could be like a really interesting little writing exercise. So this isn't the most, like, practical tip, but it just. It piqued my curiosity. But this idea of like, yeah, if the old you, the version of you who, you know before she was a mother, could meet the version of you now, if you could channel that version of yourself to sort of give you a pep talk or some important reminders, what might that stir up for you? And that could just be like, yeah, an interesting little thought exercise to try out.

Yeah. I mean, I think this question also goes back to the importance of the alone time. Because I think that very often if we have no alone time, we're just go, go, go in parenthood, then, yeah, of course we feel like a completely different and new person that is totally unconnected to that person that we were before. But when we do have some alone time, that gives us an opportunity to just tap back into to not. It's not like, you have to re. Become this old person, but just tap back into who you are as a person and not as a mother or a father or a. Whatever.

Yeah, yeah. Just some reminders of, like, who you are, you know, who you are at your essence and the person that you can get back to, too.

All right, last question is, my husband loves playing with my breasts, but I hate it when I'm breastfeeding. How to make him understand.

Okay, this is a really common thing that comes up for moms when breastfeeding is that it can. Just breastfeeding can make it really hard to have, like, a sexual relationship with your breasts. Your breasts have become, you know, baby feeders. They're taking on a very utilitarian role.

And even they're probably irritated and bothered.

Yeah. And even if you, like, loved breast or nipple stimulation before getting pregnant, like, you might find yourself just absolutely hating it. So I think it's really important for women, for us to give ourselves permission to have different things be on or off the table at different seasons of life. So it is totally okay for you to say, hey, at this phase or this period in time, I'm not open to having any sort of breastplay. Or maybe it's like, I'm open to breastplay, but it has to be in these specific ways. The bottom line is that it's your body, and you get to decide what you do with it. What feels good, what doesn't feel good.

Good.

And so, you know, the. Like, how to help him understand makes me a little. It's bringing up a little bit of a red flag for me, because the bottom line is, like, it doesn't matter if he doesn't understand. He doesn't need to understand it. He just has to respect that. That's a boundary.

Yeah. I mean, one idea could be like, hey, if I punch you in the balls, you're probably not going to. Okay, sorry, let me. Let me rephrase that.

Wow.

If you were punched in the balls, you probably would not be loving me playing with your balls like that day. And this is obviously not such an extreme example, but it's like, if a part of you is hurt or irritated, then it is not very pleasant for it to be fondled. Right. So, I mean, that could be a very crude. A crude way to describe, like, I'm not trying to say that breastfeeding is like being punched or punched in the balls or anything like that, but I'm just trying to think, like, for.

I think some.

For a man. For a man to understand, it might need to be a more crude, extreme example where it's just like. But look, here's the thing. You get punched in the balls today, you know, a year from now, you're not going to be like, oh my God, I can never have my balls touched again. Like, it probably is going to get better.

Wow. Okay, Very interesting example. But yeah, I would just say bottom line is, like, decide what your boundaries are, like, what feels good to you here, and then communicate that to your partner, like, in very clear terms of like, hey, for this period of time, you know, while I'm breastfeeding, this is what I'm open to. This is what I'm not open to. And you can say to your partner, like, I'm disappointed. Like, I miss, you know, having my breasts feel sexual. Or you can say to your partner, like, I know you love playing with my breasts and this is probably going to be a little bit hard for you, but. But, like, this is what I need. And your partner, again, does not have to completely understand it or get it, but they do need to respect that boundary.

All right, well, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we talk about money.

Oh, another hard hitting topic.

Can't wait.

Sam.