EPISODE 76: How Much Do You Really Want It? The Sex Drive Episode

Desire is actually a luxury for the body. And in that way, we sort of have to think about the life that I have. Does it even have the space for desire in it right now? Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience.

And I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship. Relationship. While giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Today we are talking about something that the vast majority of us want. A very common thread that we share. Wanting a higher sex drive. Wanting to want sex more. We polled our Instagram audience and 74% of people say that they want a higher sex drive. But the question that we want to ask today is do you actually.

What are you saying? We're calling bullshit on this a little bit.

You know what? I just started laughing, though, because it reminded me of. What was that episode where we talked about, do you even know how to fuck?

Can you even fuck?

Can you even. Was that it?

I think it was, too.

It was actually nothing like what I just said, but I just. I thought of that in that moment and it made me laugh.

Do you even want a higher sex drive?

Do you even want a higher sex drive? Are you willing to do what it takes to get a higher sex drive? We have a little bit of a sassy episode for you today. Maybe a little bit of tough love, a little bit of gentle reframing. Because the thing with sex drive is that it's incredibly nuanced. And I know a lot of us feel kind of powerless against it, especially if your sex drive is lower than you want it to be. It just sort of feels like, ugh, I feel so stuck. I never want it. There's nothing I can do. You know, it can feel really tricky, but what we want to share with you today is that you absolutely can increase your sex drive. We're going to tell you how in this episode, but it may not look the way that you think it's going.

To look, but we aren't gonna offer you, like, that one simple trick to increase your sex drive because. Sorry, there is.

You always see, like in the chum of articles.

Yeah. At the very bottom of Doctors don't.

Want you to know this one simple trick.

Yeah, well, sadly, all those are bullshit. And. And yeah, we're not gonna be giving like that one little thing because there isn't one little thing. I think that's. That's the bottom line.

Yeah. We're gonna give you a much more complete, nuanced, and realistic view of what sex drive really is and how to get it to where you want it to be. Thanks to Julie for supporting pillow talks, an FDA approved morning after pill that's legal in all 50 states. Julie aims to take the stigma and shame out of emergency contraception. You can go to juliecare Co to learn more or find Julie at your nearest Walmart today.

All right, but first we're going to get into our review of the week Game Changer podcast. I've never shared a podcast with more people as I have with Pillow Talks. I think it's so life changing in terms of taking your relationship to the next level, reinvigorating things in the bedroom, and just generally getting communications on the right track with you and your partner, especially when we listen to it together. I started out listening to a few episodes and have now gone back to episode one, and I'm listening to every single one in order. Thank you, Vanessa and Xander, for everything you do and say. You are what so many of us needed without even knowing it. Love you so much. That is so nice.

What a kind and sweet review of the week. Thank you so much for this incredibly kind and wonderful review. It makes me feel so good to read it. And there are a couple of very important things in this review that I want to point out. The, you know, sharing it with other people means so much to us because not only does that mean we're doing a good enough job that you want to be sharing it with your loved ones, which is just such a huge honor, but it also is such a great way to help the podcast grow. I don't know if we've talked about this here on the podcast we have on Instagram, but because we deal with sexual content, a lot of platforms view us as like an adult service. And so we can't do ads, we can't do a lot of marketing that like other small businesses are able to do. And so we rely so, so heavily on word of mouth. And you guys like sharing our podcast, our Instagram account, our website, like with your friends and your loved ones.

And that's actually what stopped us for so long from really growing this business and going all in is like, we were just scared, like, oh, well, we can't advertise. And no One's going to want to share us. No one's going to want to show up and, like, publicly talk with us on Instagram or, you know, yeah, maybe a couple people listen to our podcast, but they definitely won't share it with other people because then those other people would know, whoa, they're listening to a sex therapy podcast. Oh, my God. You know, we just got in our heads for so long about that until one day we were just like, fuck it. Screw it. We're doing it anyway. And it's. It feels so good to hear people, you know, validate that we made the right choice.

And also, like, it's such a gift that you're giving to your friends by sharing these kinds of resources with them, because it helps, like, helps all of us obliterate shame. You know, it takes. It's an act of bravery for you to send something to your friend and say, like, hey, I'm listening to this, and I love this. And it helps your friend realize. Like, it helps you get over the shame and embarrassment because you're being open and you're sharing it, and it helps your friend realize, like, oh, my gosh. Hey, I deal with these things, too. I felt like I was alone. Now I know that I can talk to my friend even more than, you know, I realize. So it's like, it's just such a gift, not only to us, but just to the whole world. So I don't know, maybe I'm getting a little bit too emo about this, but we really appreciate it, this review and this kind of spirit. I know there are so many people out there who are sharing our stuff with their friends, and we just appreciate you so much.

Yeah, seriously.

And you are also our review of the week, so you get to claim your prize. We do this giveaway every single week. So if you leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, which, again, just helps so much with the podcast being able to grow and reach new people. If you leave a review every week going forward, you will be entered into our giveaway. And if you're chosen as the winner, you can come over to Instagram anessamarintherapy, shoot us a DM and ask us a question, and we will respond with our best feedback, advice, tips. We'll give you a mini coaching session for free as our little way of saying thank you for leaving the review. All right, so let's get into it. So, as always, we had to gather some information from our beloved Instagram audience. So after asking, like, who wants to increase their sex drive? We next Asked, why do you want to have a higher sex drive? Because this is the thing. Like, I think most of us, we think of having a high sex drive as a good thing, as something that we're supposed to have. And so a lot of us will just instinctively respond, like, yes, I want to have a higher sex drive.

They'll be like, do you want more money? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But why?

Yeah, but why? And why is such an interesting question here. So we got tens of thousands of responses to the poll question, but then very few responses when we asked people to share why they wanted to have a higher sex drive.

Interesting.

I think it's a question that a lot of us just haven't even taken the time to think about. Maybe it's even striking you in this moment is like, ooh, that's like, a weird question. I've never thought about that.

Or perhaps we have an idea of what the answer is, and maybe we don't actually have, like, it when we start to get a sense of, oh, yeah, okay, yeah, now. Now I kind of know why, and maybe I don't want to admit that.

Okay. So of the very small number of responses that we got to this question, here were the most common themes. So a big one was to get closer to matching my partner's higher sex drive. So, like, a lot of people said, I don't like saying no to my partner, but I'm just never in the mood, so it would be nice to be able to, like, match them. There was also an immense amount of guilt that people were feeling about being the lower sex drive partner. So, like, we heard, saw a lot of responses along the lines of, like, oh, well, I have to hold up my end of the bargain. You know, feeling like having a higher sex drive was like a duty, a responsibility. And I think implicit in that is a lot of people. You know, if you're in a relationship where you have different sex drives, which, spoiler alert, is all of us, because you're different people, of course you have different sex drives. But I think there's this belief that whoever has the higher sex drive is, like, the right partner. So the lower one is supposed to come up to meet the higher one. That, like, you know, higher is just naturally inherently better.

Then we had a number of responses along the lines of, like, just not wanting to fight about sex or lack thereof anymore, which is, I think, you know, a super understandable, and we've been there before in the past of, you know, fighting about the amount of sex that we are or aren't having. And. And that feels crappy.

But again, I think there's also the same, like, idea behind that one that, oh, well, I have to come up to meet my partner's sex drive rather than my partner should come down to meet mine or we should find some way to meet in the middle so it turns into this pressure on the lower sex drive partner that they're the one that has to change.

Yeah, absolutely. And then the next one just validates that even more, which was just wanting to feel normal. Because I think, you know, I mean, I think this is such a natural human thing of thinking that we are abnormal and that other people are normal. And, you know, I can look back so many. So many of the problems I have today I can trace back to, you know, that. That little. Little Xander who. Who thought he was really abnormal and just wanted to be like, the cool kids and, you know, a lot.

A lot of my sex drive. Cool kids.

Hey, I did not go there.

High sex drive club. You can't sit with us.

Wow. That was highly inappropriate. Highly inappropriate.

It's just funny to think of it in that kind of way.

Yeah, well. But, yeah, you know, but I think so many of us had that experience growing up of thinking of just wishing that we were just normal so that we wouldn't stick out or we wouldn't be noticeable or whatever it is.

Yeah. I mean, in so many different ways.

Oh, yeah.

Just talking about sex drive.

Oh, no, no. I'm talking about, like, everything. So I'm saying, of course we hear that when we talk about sex drive.

Yeah. So what was interesting in those responses is that there were very few responses that were about, like, the person themselves having a genuine, positive reason why they want to have a higher sex drive. So there was very little, like, you know, oh, I want to feel more pleasure for myself, or I want to feel more connected to my body, or I want to be able to move past these blockages that are getting in my way, or I want to get over shame or embarrassment that I'm dealing with. Like, there were so few responses where it was, you know, I want a higher sex drive for myself, for my own enjoyment.

Yeah. I mean, yeah, like, we didn't get any responses that were like, it would just feel good to always want sex. Because the funny thing is that if you think about it in that way, if you. If you. If you all of a sudden magically had an insanely high sex drive and you were just always wanting sex, like, that actually might be somewhat problematic. Like, that might get.

You said that. And I was like, I don't want to always want sex. That doesn't sound good to me.

Yeah, well, but I mean, that's the thing is that if you. It's like, be careful what you wish for. Like, if you're asking for God, I just want to have a higher sex drive. I'm a genie. And all of a sudden I'm like, okay, cool, now you can have like a 10 out of 10 sex drive. You might not like that.

I don't think you want.

You probably won. It would probably be really tough for you to do everyday things.

So then we had another very interesting question. We asked our audience, like, what lengths would you be willing to go to increase your sex drive?

How much do you really want it?

So, okay, initially when I put this question up, I gave a couple of different responses. I said, you know, I'd be willing to try any to get my sex drive back. That was only 8% of people said, I'd be willing to try anything to get my sex drive back. I will admit though, like, the way that I worded that one, I think I could have done a better job, like, trying anything does feel a bit extreme. I don't know if I would even say of myself, like, I would do anything. So I do understand why, like, only 8% of people said that they would.

Yeah. I mean, if I'm thinking about it, I'm not sure what I would really truly do anything. Anything for. I mean, like, maybe like my life, like, to survive.

Yeah.

But beyond that, it's like. Yeah. I don't know.

Yeah. I mean, I. What I was trying to get there is, like, people who really feel invested in, like, I want a higher sex drive. I'm willing to do what it takes. But I think I worded it a little bit extreme. So I understand again why only 8% of people said yes to that. The next possibility was, yes, I want my sex drive to be higher, but I'm not really willing to do anything to increase it. Like, basically, it would be nice if I woke up tomorrow with a higher sex drive, but I'm not willing to do anything.

Yeah. I'm not gonna change anything.

Yeah. So 18% of people are hoping for that magic.

The magic pill. The magic pill situation.

Not even a magic pill. Cause they said they wouldn't do anything. It's like, I just wanna wake up tomorrow and it's there.

I feel like a magic pill would fall into this. This doesn't require much. If it was a very cheap magic.

Pill, perhaps actually a f. Free Magic.

A free magic pill.

I don't know. You have to remember to take it. Maybe remember to take it every day.

Oh, God, that sounds so hard.

Okay, so then the third response, which is the vast majority of people, 74% said somewhere in the middle. So 74% is obviously a very large amount of respondents. So I thought, you know what, I want to dig into this group a little bit more. So I posted a follow up question and I said, if you responded, 74% tell me how much time in a given week and how much money would you be willing to spend to have a higher sex drive? So obviously there's no like, you know, perfect way of breaking this down, but I wanted to get people to be a little bit more specific of like, what would I be willing to do? How much time, how much money would I really be willing to spend on this? So of course we got answers that were all across the board, ranging from like, absolutely nothing to many hours a week, hundreds and hundreds of dollars. But the overwhelming majority of people said, I just don't really want to spend that much time. I don't really want to spend that much money. So I think a lot of people go more into that, like, magic wake up camp of like, yeah, I want to hire a sex drive, but like, I don't really want to do anything. Oh, my God. What are you doing with your toe? That looks insane. Freaking basket weaving with your toes over here. That's so scary. I want this to be in the episode. I'm trying to record a podcast, people. And I look down and Xander is literally basket weaving with his toes. He's got the longest Morton's toe. He has two Morton's toes on either foot.

Yeah, my. My second, my sex. For those of you that don't know to Morton's toe is because I had to explain this one of my friends recently because I just casually dropped that term and he was like, I have no fucking clue what that means. A Morton's toe is. Well, a Morton stow is when your second toe is longer than your first toe. And I have a. I guess it's rare.

But what's even more rare is having two fucking Morton Stove.

Yeah, so I guess I have a double. I don't even know if there's a term for it, but I call it a double Morton's toe. My second and my third to toe are longer than my thumb toe. My pinky toe. Oh, no. My. My first toe. My first toe.

My big toe.

My big toe.

Oh, my God, that looks so scary.

My fourth one is almost as long as the first.

So his second toe is so long that he. I look down and he's got it like wrapped up and then over the big toe and it's like tucked under the second. It's so scary looking. It's very distracting. It looks like you're breaking your toe off right now. Anyways, let's get back to it. These results that we got from Instagram did not surprise us because they align with what we have historically seen in our business. So we want to give you a little bit of a backstory. Years and years ago, I created this course called Rediscovering Desire. Because this is what I was hearing from my clients over and over again. I want to have a higher sex drive. What do I do to have a higher sex drive? And so this is one of the first courses that I created. I think it was, it was after finishing school, but I think it was maybe right after that. It was like one of the OG courses. Cause I'm like, this is a no brainer. Everybody wants a higher sex drive, so let me teach them. It's full of like proven, concrete, actionable tips for increasing your sex drive. The truth about how sex drive really works. Specific tips that you can put to use tonight to start increasing your sex drive.

We were like, this is gonna slay.

Yeah, this is gonna be the game changer. Like, this is gonna be our most popular course finish. You know, it's just for women who have never orgasm, but rediscovering desire, like for everyone. Everybody's gonna want this course. And the saddest little sad trombone, this course has been a complete dud. I'll be totally honest. Like, it's been a dud. It's been one of our lowest selling courses for years.

It's a great course. It's a great course.

It's a great course.

And people who, people who do it and go all in with it, I think have really good results. It's just that nobody wants to do that.

Nobody wants to buy. And we have tried. So, you know, we've updated it, we've changed the marketing, we've changed the price, all kinds of stuff. We've tried so much stuff with this course and it does not sell. So, you know, it's. It's been something that we've pondered as business owners of like, look, you know, we ultimately what we want to do is, is help people. You know, of course we have to like sell courses to support ourselves and our team, but we really want to help People. And we know that, like, low sex drive is. That plagues so many people. And it's just been this conundrum for us of what do we do that's gonna make people feel more willing to invest in their sex life and in their sex drive in particular. So we went back to Instagram. We asked, you know, tell us, what do you think prevents you from working on your sex drive? And I added to that question. I was like, and did you even really know that sex drive is something that you have to work on? That's a little bit of a teaser for what we're about to get into? A lot people said, no, I did not. So the main reasons that people gave for what gets in the way of you working on your sex drive, by far and away, the number one was just exhaustion and lack of energy.

It's understandable.

Yeah, totally understandable. A lot of us are exhausted. We feel like we just don't have any time, any energy left in the day. And there were a bunch of subcategories that fell under that general umbrella of exhaustion. So kids and being touched out, Those were some of the most common responses that came up in that box. But we also heard mental load, work stress. And one person, I think they summed it up pretty well by saying, like, I just don't have the mental or physical capacity for one more thing on my to do list.

All right, next on the list is a lot of people just saying, like, I don't even know where to start, and it just overwhelms me to even think about it.

It.

A lot of other people also mentioned being on certain medications or birth control that, like, they know has an impact on their sex drive already.

Well, actually, a lot of people don't know that their medications and their birth control do have an impact on sex drive. Obviously, the people who responded this understand that. But in case you've never heard us talk about this before, there are a lot of medications and hormonal birth control that can have a huge effect on your sex drive.

Another common response was past sexual trauma. So, you know, like, of course, if you've had a sexual trauma, like, you know, you're not going to have a raging sex drive.

Yeah, of course. And I just want to point out here that if you have experienced sexual trauma, we have a free course that we give to survivors. We will link to that in the show notes for this episode. Another common response that we got from people is like, I just don't care to work on my sex drive at this point in My life, which is totally. Okay, we are going to get, get back to this in just a minute. And finally we got a lot of responses from people saying, you know, I just like expect that tv, that movie thing where you feel that spontaneous, passionate desire out of nowhere. Like it just feels so intense. You have to go do it right in that moment. It totally overwhelms you, it overcomes you. And so we just want to take a little bit of a moment here to say like, that is not how desire functions for the vast majority of people. People like you might feel that at the very early stages of a relationship, but in long term relationships and for, again, for the vast majority of people, that's not what desire really looks like in our lives. And so a lot of us have been, we've all been set up for failure by TV and the movies with, you know, having this expectation that it's just supposed to come out of nowhere and it's supposed to be so passionate and intense and overwhelming. So again, we'll talk a little bit more about this one in a second, but I wanted to make sure we took a moment to call out like, like that is not what sex drive actually looks like in real life. Let's tell you a little bit more about Julie. They are aiming to be the emergency contraception company for the next generation. One of learning and acceptance, not stigma and shame. So Julie can be taken when you've had unprotected sex, you've had a condom break or you're nervous or just not sure. It's a morning after pill that helps stop pregnancy before it starts. It's FDA approved and legal in all 50 states. So it stops your body from releasing an egg using the same active ingredient as Plan B. So essentially it works by preventing or delaying your ovulation. With no egg, there's no fertilization and therefore no pregnancy. And there's also no risk to future fertility. If you're wondering where to find Julie, you can find it at Walmarts all across the US you can also order it online to have it on hand for future just in case. It's really easy to get. You do not need an id, a prescription or a credit card to get it. So you can go to juliecare.com to learn more or find Julie at your nearest Walmart. Today that is Juliecare Co to learn more. Okay, so now we want to get into what we hope is going to be the biggest takeaway from this episode. I know a lot of times when we talk about sex drive, you know, there's this desire for that magic pill that we were talking about earlier, like the supplement, the little pill, that one secret trick that doctors don't want you to know.

The one food that you need to start eating.

Oh, yeah, the aphrodisiacs. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. So I know that that's, you know, that's where a lot of us go. We want that, like, simple, quick fix type of solution where we can just wake up the next day and we magically have a higher sex drive. But the most important thing for you to know about libido is that you have to take action if you want it to be higher. There is no quick, easy, simple, magical fix. Desire isn't something that happens to you. It's something that you create. And I think here's where we run into an issue with the languaging. You know, we most often use the phrase sex drive. Right. We've used that phrase a bunch of times in this episode already. But desire is not actually a drive. Like, when we think about drives, we think about basic human instincts and needs. Food, water, shelter. You know, like, we have that inherent innate drive that's pushing us to seek those things out. We need them for our survival.

And.

And desire is not a drive at all. And especially not in the same way that those, like, basic human needs are. We don't need sex to survive.

Yeah, I mean, like, as. As a species, we do need it to survive, but individually, for ourselves, we do not. If I personally do not have sex, if I personally am not responsible for somebody having my child, like, I am still going to live, like, I mean, I will die eventually, but, you know, like, it's me having sex is not going to keep me alive. Yeah.

So I think that's the big problem is that a lot of us are kind of waiting to feel that. It's like we want to unlock that drive within us. We just need that magic pillar, that one trick that's going to like, unleash the beast within. But what I like to say instead is desire is actually a luxury for the body. And in that way, we sort of have to think about, like, the life that I have. Does it even have the space for desire in it right now? Or are there too many other things going on in my life? Too many things competing for my limited resources, my limited time, energy, attention, that I don't have any space left for desire? And it even works this way, like, on a biological level. Like, if your body is constantly on the go, experiencing stress, dealing with health issues, your body is going to save all of its resources to taking care of you and it's not going to give any resources to you. Feeling desire. Like, I think the best, most simple way to look at it is like let's think back to our caveman ancestors and you're so, you're like a caveman and there's a frickin woolly mammoth behind you charging after you. Which honestly is like what most of our lives look like these days. Like, who doesn't wake up and feel like I'm just running from a freaking woolly mammoth all day long Because I have so much stress and so many obligations, so much responsibility. Like I'm just going, going, going, going, going. Right?

Yeah, you're definitely not fucking while the woolly mammoth is bearing down on you. And if you are, you're gonna get killed and you're not gonna survive. So the people who are, whose brains are wired that way aren't going to survive and have children and pass that on.

Yeah, I mean, why would you, you know, you're not going to have a boner or you're not going to be like soaking wet as you're running away from this woolly mammoth. Like it wouldn't make any sense. Your body is going to take those resources and like, oh, let me take that blood back from that penis please, and let's use it to like fuel your muscles so you can run faster and harder. All this kind of stuff, like it just doesn't make any sense.

Yeah. And I think going, going back to the. It being something that you have to create, that's not something that just happens to you. I think one of the biggest objections to that is people who go, oh, but like when I first started dating my now partner, my now husband, my now wife or my or whomever, it did feel like it just happened to me, you know, like at the end of our date, like we couldn't keep our hands off of each other and we were just totally overcome. And I think it's just important to remind you that, well actually you did create that. You spent all the time like getting ready for your day. You spent all that time anticipating it. You maybe you went to the gym before, you took a long time to get ready. Like you very likely didn't like rush out from a really crazy day at work and then like five minutes later you're in the middle of a date and all of a sudden like you can't keep your hands off each other. Like you actually did create a lot of space and time. You prioritized something that was really important to you, and then that time and that prioritization ended up having a payoff later, which was you both being, like, really strongly desirous of each other.

Yeah, absolutely. And I think a final point in this is, like, desire is also something that we can't look at in isolation. Like, you have to look at it in the context of the rest of your life, too. And that kind of goes back to what I said a moment ago about, like, creating a life that has the space for intimacy. I think a lot of us, if we're really honest, I mean, ask yourself that question right now. Like, do I have a life that has any space for desire and intimacy.

And connection, or am I open to making any changes in my life to perhaps create a little more space for intimacy? And I think that's where we get a lot of people who, you know, have that response of, you know what? Actually, I don't. I don't actually have space for that. I don't care to work on that right now. And I think that's a. That's a totally acceptable thing as long as you are going in with eyes open, knowing that's what I'm choosing.

Yeah. I mean, so this is where we loop back around to what we were saying earlier. Like, if you feel like, you know what? I don't have the time. I don't have the space. I don't have the desire to work on my desire. Like. Like, that is. Okay. We said a minute ago, like, there. You know, a lot of us have this belief that, like, the higher the sex drive, the better. And what's so important to Xander and I to convey is, like, there is no right sex drive. You are not a better person if you have a higher sex drive. Like, there are an infinite number of sex drives. And, like, they are all okay. So if you are just at a place in your life where you're thinking about this, you're listening to this episode, and you're like. Like, God, yeah, I'm just. I'm not there. It's not a priority to me. It's not something that I genuinely care about. Like, if you're realizing, yeah, I've just been falling for all this BS that, like, higher is better, and I'm supposed to be. And it's supposed to look the way that it is in movies. But if I'm honest with myself, like, that's not what I want, that is okay. And I actually think that there's an enormous amount of power and agency in being Able to say, you know what? I just don't really care to work on this at this point in my life. And you don't have to make a definitive statement of, like, I will never work on my sex drive, but you can say that for right now. Like, this season in life that I'm in, I'm dealing with xyz. I have, you know, ABC on my plate. Like, it is okay to say desire is going to take a back seat, and I'm going to make that conscious decision that I'm just not going to work on it, and I'm going to be okay with that. Like, there's a huge amount of power that can come along with saying that.

Yeah, I think that's so important because by saying that, you are also having to acknowledge. Yeah, like, these are the other things that are taking up more of my time right now. These are the other things that are feeling more important to me.

Yeah, they are.

More now. Yeah, right now. Because I think where a lot of people end up is like, that. That sense of overwhelm that we talked about earlier, where you don't get to that point of being like, no, I just can't work on it. Like, you just feel super overwhelmed because you're like, God, I have these 10 things going on and I can't. I can't figure it out. And, like, I don't. Like, maybe subconsciously, like, I know I need to make some changes in this or I'm spending too much time at work. I'm spending too much time in this area or that area, but I don't really want to do what it takes to change that. I don't feel comfortable with it. And so I'm just going to kind of throw my hands up instead and be like, oh, God, I don't even know where to start. And, like, you know, that's. That is a different situation than someone that goes, yeah, no, I know exactly what's going on here. You know, right now, like, my partner is out of work, and I'm having to, you know, take care of us financially, and I'm also needing to take care of all these other family obligations and blah, blah, blah. So I'm choosing this right now. Like, that. That's a very different situation.

Yeah, I think you make such a good point about the overwhelm. I mean, who hasn't experienced this where you just get so overwhelmed by everything you have going on in your life that, like, you become paralyzed. You know, you can't take action on anything because it feels like everything's fighting for your attention. And that really is such a powerful thing to. To decide. You know what? Yeah. I have 1,000 things in front of me right now, and all of them are important, and I wish that I could do all of them, but I am a human being, and I can't do all of them. And so I am going to decide which ones are important to me now and which ones I'm gonna let go. And even if there's an enormous amount of sadness, of grief, of regret, of fear that goes along with, like, letting go of certain things, like, you get to feel all those feelings, but. But it's still. Making a decision of. This is just not something that I can tackle at this point in my life. And it reminds me, too, of. I think a really powerful reframe to make is not to tell yourself that you can't do something, but that you won't do something. So can't implies a powerlessness. I can't. I can't do this. It's too much. Everything else is controlling me. Everything else is overwhelming me versus I won't. I'm not going to. Like, that comes from a place of agency and power. I'm not gonna focus on that right now. I just don't. I don't have the ability. I don't have the interest. I have to make a tough decision. I won't do it. So obviously, this brings up the big question of, like, okay, but, like, what do I tell my partner? And what's gonna get stirred up from this? Like, of course, it is a really challenging and complex situation to have one partner saying, you know what? I'm making the decision that, like, my sex drive is not something that I want to prioritize right now. So we do have another episode that we want to point you to. Episode 73. Do you owe sex to your partner? That's a really great episode that gets into the nuances and complexities of, like, what to do when you have one partner who's wanting sex more than the other partner. So if that's your, you know, situation, definitely go check out that episode next. But what we want to leave you with in this episode is that, again, there is this sense of agency and power that can come along with making the decision that this is just not a season in your life where you're gonna prioritize your sex drive. And again, just, like, reiterating what we keep saying, that, like, there is no right sex drive, you're not gonna get a gold star, like, the seal of approval from us for, you know, deciding to work on your sex drive or having a high sex drive. It's just. It's different choices that we all have to make in different seasons of life. Okay, so let's go to the other side of the coin. Like, what if you're listening to this and you're like, okay, I get what you're saying. Like, and I do. I still want to be able to have a higher desire. I want to have a higher sex drive. Like, what do I do? And I know that we're talking about, you know, we're having these conversations that are pretty complex here, and I know that it's so challenging when you're just like, but I just really want the magic pill. And I think Xander and I, I can both emphasize with that. Like, we both wanted the magic pill for lots of different things in our life. Like, who would not want a quick fix, a simple solution to anything in life? Like, we get it. So we want to. You know, we want to bring the conversation back down a little bit more into a bit more practicality of, like, okay, what are some specific things that you can do to increase your sex drive that, you know, feel a little bit more tangible than the. Than the more conceptual conversations that we're having right now? So, okay, let's talk about. If you do want to increase your sex drive, first thing is you have to want it for yourself and for a good reason. So the vast majority of the responses that we got to those polls were people saying, like, oh, I want it for my partner. I've got to keep up with them. I owe them. There's, you know, I'm obligated. I don't want the fights with them.

Anymore, or I just want to be like other people. It has nothing to do with. With you and everything to do with comparing yourself to others. And I think the challenge with that is that if we are always doing things to catch up with other people or to be more like other people, that ultimately what ends up happening is, like, resentment and jealousy creeps into our lives because then we're just constantly comparing. And then it's like, God, I'm doing all this work to be more like you. And this is. And it's so hard. And like, God, like, screw you for making me. We need to do this. It turns into this kind of. This kind of screwy thing emotionally for ourselves, right? Like, where it's like, you know, you just. You want to do it for the other person, but then you start doing things, and then all of a sudden, you're resentful that you have to do that.

Yeah. So I think it's worth taking some time to think about it. And especially if you've never thought about this before, which most people have. Not ever. I mean, that's why we got so few responses to this. Like, why do you want it to be higher? Like, what would your life actually look like if it was higher? How would you actually feel? What would be different inside of what could change? So rather than thinking of sex as, like, something that you give to your partner or you owe to your partner, like, what is it that you want for yourself? That's gotta be the starting point. The next thing is you have to learn the truth about sex drive. How it actually works. Not all this bullshit that we see in the movies and tv, that it's the drive, that it's spontaneous, that it's so intense and overwhelming. You need to learn the reality, the science behind libido. So we are going to link to our sex drive types guide in the show notes. That is absolutely crucial information. It is the best starting point. Like, we pulled that directly out of rediscovering desire because we realized, like, nobody has this information. And even though, you know, we sell this in this course, like, we pulled it out because we're like, we want everybody to understand the two different sex for free. The two different sex drive types to understand which type they are. Like, I cannot tell you how game changing this one guide is. We get so many DMS from people, like, all the time. Like, I read that guide, it changed my life. I can't believe I didn't know this before. Why does nobody teach this? Like, everybody needs to read this guide. So we will put that for you in the show notes. Please make sure you go check it out right after you finish finish listening to this episode. Please, please, please. I channeled a little Xander there.

God, what was that? That's so long ago now. What was that? Oh, it was from our old YouTube videos. God, Vanessa used to give me such a hard time because I, I do the, you know, I do the line at the very end of the YouTube, like, hey, please follow us. Please hit the like button. It's in the stupid script. Take out the please, please follow us. Now.

The way that he says please every time, it just, like, sounds so, so pleading to me. Like, please, please follow us, please.

No, seriously, if you're listening to this, please go over to YouTube right now and subscribe to our YouTube channel. It's great.

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Podcast, please like it. Please also, you know, hit the notification bell so you keep getting notified as soon as we post more episodes.

He knows his lines. Okay. The next thing that you have to do is get curious and really take some time to think about, like, what might be getting in the way of you feeling desire. You know, we talked earlier about the fact that, like, we can't look at desire completely separate from the rest of your life. Like, you have to look at your life and ask yourself, like, does it even make sense for me to have a sky high sex drive with the life that I have right now?

Because I hate to break it to you, but if you are, for example, super, super busy, you barely have time to do even the most basic stuff for yourself. Let's imagine that tomorrow you did wake up with a sky high sex drive. You have no time in the day to have sex. What are you gonna do?

It sounds terrible, actually.

Yeah, it sounds kind of terrible and maddening, right? Like, God, I want it so bad, but I have to do these 10 other things. Like, how would you manage that? That would be really tough.

Well, actually, that might be a great little kind of mental exercise for people to go through. So, like, yeah, imagine you have this raging sex drive. The desire is so strong. You have to have sex. What would you cut out of your day to make that space? Yeah, I kind of like that, actually.

Yeah. What are you gonna cut?

Because, yeah, I mean, right now it might feel. You might feel so overwhelmed. And also, like, I just want to say we're not trying to talk about this as if it's easy. Like, I know you're overwhelmed. You have so much on your plate. You feel just like you're drowning. And I don't want to. I don't want it to sound like we're making this episode of like, oh, just like, stop doing so much stuff. It's so easy. Like, it's hard. It's really hard to take stuff off of your plate. It's really overwhelming. Like, this is. This is fucking hard work. It's not easy. But I do think that that's, like, thinking about it in that way. Like, when you feel desire that's so strong, you find a way. You know, maybe you think back to, like, earlier stages of your relationship or like, way earlier in your life where it's like, you know, I think about being a horny teenager, you know, like the lengths that my boyfriend in high school and I went to because, like, you know, we didn't have the privacy, the space to have sex. My Parents were much like, you are not having sex. Like, we are not gonna make it easy for you. The lengths that my boyfriend and I went to to like, squirrel away little tiny pockets of time and like, fool around and like, I mean, it was, it was wild. But like, we were willing to do that because we were so excited about being with each other. You know, we had those teenage hormones going on. But it is an interesting way to look at it. Like, if you had this sky high sex drive, I have to get it done today. What else am I gonna cut that? Maybe that's kind of a creative way for you to think about. Like, okay, I know that the laundry seems like it's so important, but it can go another day. Or like, I could, you know, hire one of those services to do the laundry. It's like you could start to get a little bit creative and think about what are ways that I can. Rather than feeling like I have no choices, I have no options, I'm just stuck in this life that I have. Maybe that's a way to get you into more of a creative mindset of thinking, like, what is it that I can do? What can I change? So I mean, what all this wraps into is like creating the kind of life that has the space for desire and has the space for intimacy. I will reiterate it again. Like, it's not an easy thing. I'm not saying that you can just like wake up and all of a sudden there's this magical, you know, solution for all the responsibilities that you have. But I do think it's a really powerful mindset, change, shift to make of, like, what can I do with what I have in front of me? How can I get creative? How can I find ways to lower my stress, even if it's like 5% lower, or create a little bit more time for self care, even if it's five minutes, or having more emotional intimacy with my partner. Like just being able to ask yourself that question, like, what can I do? How can I make a little bit more space for that? That it's going to make you feel like you're more in control of your life rather than your life running you.

Yeah, I think, I think when people hear this, I think it's really easy to jump to this extreme of being like, oh, so you're telling me that I need to like, you know, work half as much. I need to have all this extra free time. That's like the only way.

Win the lottery, hire a nanny.

Yeah, it's like I have to make all this more money. I have to have all this other time. I have to, like, not have kids. I have to. Whatever it is. You go to this extreme of imagining someone that just, like, sitting around, like, twiddling their thumbs, eating bon bons. Eating bon bons. And that is not at all what we're saying. I personally, over the last couple of years, I've done a lot of work on this myself, and I think I really have changed my sex drive a lot from where it used to be. My life is just as busy, if not busier, than it was before. The difference is that my life is busy with things that are very important to me. Like, I don't really feel like I have a lot of free time in my schedule most days, including the weekends. I'm not ever sitting around like, oh, God, what am I going to do now? It's just that for me, what I have done is, like, I have realized the things that I need to really prioritize in life in order for me to be happy, in order for me to feel good, in order for me to be in a good emotional place, in order for Vanessa and my relationship to be in a good place, and in order for my sex drive to be in a good place is like, I prioritize sleep, I prioritize surfing, I prioritize exercise. I prioritize delegating at work so that I'm not having to be responsible for everything. And so, you know, when I. When I prioritize those things higher than, like, the other random things that come up, it helps me decide on a given day, what do I need to spend time on, and what do I not need to spend time on or what do I need to push off? Whereas before, I was just, like, kind of, like drinking life out of, like, the fire hose. Like, whatever came at me. It was like, oh, okay, cool, I can do that. I can do that. And, like, you know, and I was, like, valuing myself based on, like, how many things did I do I get done? And now, you know, like, the way I value, I judge my success in life is like, how happy am I? How many of those, like, important things am I taking care of in a given day, rather than, like, the random things that come at me.

Yeah.

And so I think. So I think that's what we're saying. It's not like. It's not like, oh, you just need to, like, cut everything out of your life and be doing nothing. It's like, like, you can still be busy, but identify the things that are going to make you the happiest and make yourself busy with those things.

And also, this can be really slow, gradual change, too. Like, I know there. There are so many people who are like, yeah, Xander, that sounds great, but I'm. I can't, like, wake up tomorrow and decide to, like, let happiness dictate every decision that I make.

And I definitely. And I definitely did not wake up one day and just change all those things. It was a very long, slow, and challenging path.

Yeah. Yeah. So we just want to normalize that aspect of it as well. And so finally, the last. I mean, we could actually go through so many other reasons, but the last one that we'll choose to share with you today is if you want to have a higher sex drive, you also have to have great sex. This is something that so few people realize. We call it the enjoyment, desire, connection. A lot of us are having sex that's not that great. And a lot of it is because we're pushing ourselves to have sex, because we feel like it's an expectation, an obligation. Oh, I said no to my partner the last three times. I guess I might as well say yes. So we're having sex that's not particularly pleasurable or satisfying. So let me ask you this. Why would you crave that? It does not make any sense to crave, to have so much desire for this experience that is not enjoyable for you. So if you want to have more desire, you have to have more enjoyment of that thing that you want to be desiring. So this is our specialty, of course, is making sex more enjoyable, more pleasurable for both partners. So we will link a bunch of stuff in the show notes for you. We have our foreplay guides. We have next level intercourse. We have butt stuff, and we have better, hotter, more. So lots of different things. You can check them all out, see which one sounds the most interesting to you, and get started with one of them. But they're all great resources for helping you have the kind of sex that you are actually going to crave. So I know those things are so much harder, so much more work than that magic pill. I wish there was that magic pill, but it really is such a different way of looking at sex drive and looking at your life in general, honestly. And I know it might also feel like this. Like, oh, God, there's so much stuff that I have to do and, you know, so many steps that I have to take. But like we were saying earlier, like, take it slow, take it one step at a time. And it's really just honestly, like, it's the mindset shift that is the most powerful. Like you making that decision of, you know what, sex drive is important to me. I am willing to make an effort just that like uttering that one sentence to yourself is going to start shifting and things for you so that that step and any other little step, no matter how small, no matter how slow that you can take, any step that you can take is going to work you towards having more desire in your life on a more regular basis. All right, well, like we said, we are going to link a whole bunch of stuff for you in the show notes, so definitely make sure to go over to vmtherapy.com if you haven't already. We're going to link Rediscovering Desire, our free sex drive types guide. And we'll put a link to the foreplay guides next level, intercourse, butt stuff and better, hotter, more, all kinds of fun stuff for you to check out.

All right, well, that's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Please join us again next week.