EPISODE 86: Ask Us Anything Part 4: This Time It’s Personal

Do you still get embarrassed doing certain things in front of each other? What is this giggle?

Uh.

Oh. What's your answer?

Uh, Donald Ducking.

You have to explain what Donald Ducking is.

Oh, I was hoping you might do it.

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex Therapist with over 20.

Years of experience, and I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Today we are doing another Ask Us Anything.

Wow.

I don't know where that came from.

I thought we weren't going to be able to use that take, but I think we should roll with this. Vanessa does have some pretty incredible clearing her throat moments, the majority of which you guys never get to hear because.

Oh, my God, that was so weird.

She, like, chokes on her words or starts coughing or something, so it's not really appropriate to leave in, but that was. That was like a little frog in the throat.

It was. Okay, let me try it again. Another Ask Us anything. I'm really curious to hear it back in the recording now because I feel like either it will sound scary or it's just going to sound normal and then we're going to feel like we were overreacting.

I think. I think you said ask us anything totally normally and then you somehow, like, choked right at the end.

So we're doing an Ask Us Anything episode today because these have proven to be some of our most popular episodes. And I think it's just really fun to kind of sit and shoot the shit and talk to each other, see where it goes. We're recording this after Christmas and it just feels like a good day to have a kind of Shooting the shit episode.

Yeah, let's shoot it.

We're a little tired, so I think we'll be maybe a little more unfiltered. Who knows, Maybe we'll get spicy with some of the questions, but I. I think it'll be entertaining. There are some good questions here, some very random ones.

Yeah, there's always. There's always good questions, which is why it's fun to do these.

Thanks to Rocket Money for supporting Pillow Talks. Rocket Money will quickly and easily identify your subscriptions for you. So you can stop paying for the Ones you don't want or need. Stop throwing your money away, Cancel unwanted subscriptions and manage your expenses the easy way by going to rocket pocketmoney.com pillow and thanks to Cozy Earth for supporting Pillow Talks. Cozy Earth gave us an exclusive offer for Pillow talks listeners today. 35% off site wide when you use the code Pillow Talks. What we did to make this one a little bit different is we asked, we. It's an all pleasure, no business episode. So we've done different themes with these episodes in the past and for this one we put out a call that said, you know, what's something that you want to know about us personally? Nothing about the business because we, I think most recently we did a more business y themed one.

Yeah. So you know, this will be cool. Personal questions.

Okay, let's get into it. First question, a little spicy. How early in your relationship did you have sex?

We had sex on our second date, which was our third time hanging out and. Or hooking up. Right.

Is that true? No, I think it was like the third time that we. So we met, we met on Saturday night.

On a Saturday night.

We had our first date on Monday.

On Monday we did oral sex. We did third base. Then Wednesday we had another date and we had sex that night.

No, I think we had sex on Friday. No, because Friday we did Monday, Wednesday, Friday. And Friday we had sex.

No. So Friday we went out to like, we went out to like a music club thing and we had already had sex at that point. We went to. On Wednesday night we went and saw that, that movie of the Knife concert. Kind of an odd date.

But no, it was a great date.

It was a great date. It's a weird date to describe to other people, but yeah, we had sex that night. We were starting, you know, making out and we got really hot and bothered.

I really thought it was Friday.

I am 99% certain.

Okay. Well, it was, it was, you know, it was soon. We were, we were ready for was.

It was soon, but it was, it was fun. I'm glad that we, it felt, it felt, honestly, it felt, it felt good that we like had a little bit of like that we waited a little bit, but then not too long. Like I think both of us really enjoyed meeting each other and enjoyed all our first date and kind of like it was sort of this vibe of like, let's not have this turn into a one night stand. And so we accomplished that by not having sex on the very first night. I guess one could argue. And you know, for my 22 year old self. I was like, great. And then it was game on after that.

I mean, I think we could have had sex the first night and we were still so into each other. I'm not a big believer that, like, having sex at the beginning of a, like a new thing ruins it or like, you'll lose interest. I think I still would have been very interested in you.

And I'm, I'm the not either. I've, I've never really, I've never been the type where it's like, oh, that was like too quick or that was too easy or whatever, or whatever it is. But I do think that there is sort of when you meet someone new, it's like you don't know how they think about that so much. We didn't really talk about it. Oh, what is. You know, admittedly we did not talk about that. And so I think, you know, when you were first meeting someone, you're kind of playing this game of like, oh, well, what are they going to think if we do this? Or what's going to happen if we do that? And so, you know, sometimes maybe you, you take a bit more of a conservative approach just to be safe or careful. So that's what we did. And it all worked out.

It all worked out. Okay. Next question. Made me laugh. Someone wrote, do you shoot videos in your house? It always looks so minimal and white.

It does, it does for now.

We've gotten roasted for this a few times in the comments too, of different, like, reels that we've done. People are like, oh, let's work on your interior decorating.

Believe us, believe, believe me, we are, we are working on it, slash, trying. And soon there will be a lot of progress.

We moved into this house in July. And you know what, guys? Furniture is roll back ordered. So things are just taking a lot of time. We have some furniture that we brought from our old house, but not enough furniture. And yes, it is very minimal because we don't have very many things right now. But we should be in January.

Within the next month or two. We have a number of things arriving. We're doing a couple kind of big, like, install type things.

Yeah.

And hopefully things will start to get a little more exciting. So the.

Stop roasting.

Yes. I also, you know, the thing is you're, you're seeing a lot of like, white walls. Like when you are furnishing a house, very often you will try to get all furniture in before you start putting.

Oh yeah, we have nothing before you.

Start putting art on the wall. So, like, art is kind of like the lowest thing on our list right now. Like, get the furniture in.

Yeah.

So that's, you know, that's another reason why you're really not seeing anything on the walls because, like, we got to get the furniture in and then figure out, okay, where. Okay, a piece of art can go, like, here, like, centered above this couch. But right now, we don't know exactly where everything's going to go. So that's why everything is white.

So stay tuned on Instagram at Vanessa and Xander for the grand interior design reveal at some point.

Someday. Someday, hopefully. Fingers crossed. All right, Vanessa, what is something on your bucket list?

Okay, so something on my bucket list that I already achieved was writing a book. But also on my bucket list is to have a book be a New York Times bestseller. Like, the idea of being New York Times best selling author.

Vanessa Marin.

Vanessa Marie. Vanessa Marin. That is one of the biggest dreams that I have had my entire life. I've always wanted to have a book that was on that list.

All right, so how do we make that happen?

Wow, you really set that up for me. Thanks, babe.

Yeah. Let's tee you up, babe.

Okay. If you haven't heard us talk about it, we wrote a book, so we did achieve that buck. Well, I don't know if that was on your bucket list. Was writing a book ever on your bucket list?

It was on my list of things I never would have even imagined that I would have or could have done.

So we wrote a book. It's called sex talks, the five conversations that will transform your love life. And it is all about how couples can talk about sex with each other. We know that this is something that feels really overwhelming and intimidating to so many couples. There are so many people who have never talked about sex even with the person they are having sex with. And so it was really important to us to give you practical, step by step tips for how to talk about sex, the exact conversations to have, and maybe even a little bit of convincing about why talking about sex is such a powerful thing.

Well, I mean, spoiler alert. It is so important because when you start comfortably talking about sex more often, you start having way better sex. It's a really simple connection, but the more you talk about it, the more comfortable you feel, the more connected you feel when you're talking about it. You are naturally going to be having much better sex. I promise.

It's a really cool book. It's super fun. If you enjoy the podcast, if you enjoy following us on Instagram, like, you're gonna love the book. So one thing that we have learned in the process of becoming first time authors is that the only way to get on this New York Times bestseller list is. Is through pre orders.

Yeah. Unfortunately, you don't just release a book, cross your fingers, hope for the best, and like, buy the New York Times with like, looking through the list. Oh, there I am. Unfortunately, that's not how it works, sadly. No.

Yeah. So to get on that list, it's quite complicated. There are a whole bunch of factors that go into it, but really the only way that you can even be considered is if you have a ton of pre orders. Because the pre orders, basically what happens is like you put in the order for the book, but it doesn't fully get processed until the day that it's released. Released. And so then the day that it's released, it's like all these orders come in at the same time. And it like shows the New York Times like, oh, look at all the interest in this book. It's like skyrocketing. So we never knew this before. Xander and I had never pre ordered a book. It just like never occurred to me. It was like, oh, I'll buy the book when it's out. Why would I pre order it? I didn't know this and I wasn't able to support any of my favorite authors. And now that I do know it, I'm gonna be pre ordering the hell out of things going forward.

Hell yeah.

But if you would be willing to help us. Well, me get my bucket list item checked off the list and help me help Vanessa, then we would be so appreciative of you pre ordering the book. So we have set up a special little website. It's Sex Talks book dot com. Sex Talks book dot com. And there are links to pre order it from all the major retailer. Retailer. Retailers.

Retailers.

Retailers.

Don't purchase it from a retailer. Purchase it from a retailer. A retailer is like, that's like, like someone like buys the. Buys the audiobook version and then like, and then like illicitly records their own version of it.

Please don't do that. They're retelling the book to you retailer. So we have all of the links there so you can go buy the book. And we want to say thank you for being willing to support the book. We really think that it is going to transform so many relationships. And so it's not just like a selfish desire to be on the New York Times bestseller like that Also sign to more people, oh, hey, look at this bestseller. This is a good book. I should buy it. So we really appreciate your support and we wanted to do something really special to say thank you for that support as well.

Yeah, we're really going to make this worth your while.

Why don't you tell the people what they will get if they pre order the hardcover version of Sex Talks. It does come in a couple of different formats, but we've learned another weird thing about the book world is that only the hardcover counts as a pre order. So that's what we have to do. We gotta play along with their rules. If you're a Kindle or an audiobook person, maybe you give the hardcover to a friend or to your partner or something like that. But this is what we do. If you order the hardcover. Pre order, yeah.

So if you pre order the hardcover, you are going to get for free our Dirty Talk 101 guide that is for sale right now for $69. And that is way more money than the book costs. The book costs like 22 to $25ish, depending on where you get it. So you're gonna get Dirty Talk 101. This is our best selling guide that shows you how to start getting more comfortable with dirty talk. How to figure out what kind of dirty talk or even just what kinds of words and phrases you like, what kinds of words and phrases your partner likes, how to match those two things up and just have a type of dirty talk that feels really authentic to you. It's not, you know, not like some, some porn star thing. All right, then you're also going to get our how to know what you want in the bedroom guide, which is going to help you figure out like, what the hell do you actually want? Like, I think a lot of people get caught up thinking, well, God, why would I even talk about sex when like, I'm not really even sure like what's in it for me. I'm not sure what I like. Maybe I haven't had a lot of really great sexual experiences at all. And so this guide is a super simple way to just start figuring out what is it that you want, what is it that you like and then get you to a point where maybe you could start communicating some of those things. And so that guide we sell for $19, that's $88 worth of free stuff that we are selling on our website right now. If you pre order the book and then you get more.

There's one other thing that we're gonna be announcing within the next few days, this episode coming out that is also something available to purchase on our website that might also involve some sort of buckets, but, you know, you'll just have to stay tuned. Yeah, you'll get that if you pre.

Order other free stuff. I mean, yeah, just all the more reason to just buy it today because, yeah, if we do add more freebies to the offer, you're gonna get those automatically via email. There might be even other surprises in the works, like other discounts on things. Like we really just.

Oh, we already spilled the beans on that one.

Yeah, I know, I know we did. But you know, there might be other discounts and whatnot. So just, just get, get the book. We promise you this is going to be a hundred percent worth your time.

Well, since we already spilled the beans, I'll share. We're doing our extremely popular Intimate or nasty event next month. And so that's our two challenges. We have our sex challenge on our connection challenge. The sex challenge is more focused on physical intimacy, Connection challenge, more on emotional intimacy. And with Intimate or Nasty, we offer them at the same time. That's like the only time during the year that the two are open.

And you got a great discount if you purch them together.

And you'll get an even bigger discount if you pre order sex talks. We're basically crediting you $30 towards either or both challenge. So it's like you're getting more than the book.

Yeah, I mean, you're basically getting the book. You're getting the book for free, plus a couple dollars. Plus another like 88 or more dollars worth of like. Yeah, we're just trying to make this such a slam dunk thing.

Plus. Plus a how to start talking about sex guide that you can use right now while you wait for the book to come out. Plus a workbook that we put together to like, help you dive deeper to every chapter. Workbooks usually end up getting sold, like, as a separate book, but you're getting that for free. And we're doing a virtual, like, book party event. You'll get a ticket to that too. I mean, it's like, it's mind boggling how much stuff you're getting just by ordering this, like, $22 book. So we would really appreciate your support. We hope that all of these thank yous that we're giving to you just help it feel really worthwhile for you. But again, would just greatly appreciate your support helping achieve this bucket list item. Okay, Xander, next question is, do you guys have a faith?

That is a very good question. So we are, I would say Vanessa and I are culturally Jewish. We are Technically, fake Jews, because we.

Were not fake Jews.

I'm about to explain what I mean by fake Jews. So both of us are, you know, we. We grew up with, I would say, more of the Jewish faith than any other faith in our lives. However, the Judaism comes down to us through our fathers, and technically speaking, Judaism gets passed down through your mother. So both of our mothers technically, would have needed to convert to Judaism in order for us to be considered proper Jews. However, for me personally, I'll let Vanessa speak for herself. I never really identified with having much of a faith outside of just sort of like a cultural thing or, you know, celebrating a couple of, like, the high holidays in Judaism. But I will say that recently, over the last couple of years, I've definitely developed much more of what I would consider to be a spirituality. There was a while where, you know, I kind of didn't really believe in anything and was just sort of finding myself feeling kind of lonely in the world or, I don't know, kind of kind of lost at sea, so to speak. Like, thinking that, like, that I knew everything that, you know, the world was kind of just like the way that I perceived it. And I've really kind of transformed my way of thinking over the last couple of years, and I feel a lot healthier, a lot happier, you know, kind of like seeing that there is a higher power or higher power than I am aware of, that there's more going on than just what I can see. And for me, there's a lot of comfort knowing, like, oh, it's not just. Just all about me. It's not all about, like, what I can do. Like, you know, I can just kind of. I can just give it up to whatever else is out there. When I'm not sure about something. I don't need to be all knowing or all powerful.

So my backstory on religion, like, Xander said, my dad is Jewish. My mom was raised Catholic. And so when they got married and started having kids, they had conversations about not wanting to impose any sort of religion on us. My mom was really, like, forced to be Catholic in some ways that were pretty traumatizing to her. So it was important not to, you know, have a. Like to allow her kids to decide if they wanted to have a religion and what kind of religion they wanted to have, which I appreciate that, that she was so thoughtful about that. So, yeah, I think culturally I connect with Judaism. I wouldn't say I'm like a religious person, but similar to you. Like, I do. I feel like a spiritual person. I feel like I have a connection to, you know, to a higher power. I feel like there's, yeah, some. Some sort of force operating in the world, and I feel connected to that, and I feel a sense of, like, peace in that connection, but not any sort of. I don't feel any sort of desire for, like, an organized religion in my life.

All right, favorite book you have recently read Vanessa.

So I'm still on my Sarah J. Maas. Actually, I don't know how to say her last Moss or mas.

I have no idea how it's spelled.

S. Moss. Probably moss.

It's probably ma. I think that's probably a Dutch.

Mm. Probably. Okay. Anyways, I'm still on my SJM kick. I've read, like, all of her book. I mean, I'm on the first Crescent City, and there's one more, and then once I finish that, like, one and a half more books, I'll be done with any. Everything she's ever written. And I just started them, like, this summer, which is kind of bonkers. So I just finished her Throne of Glass series, and I really liked that by the end. So I'm just on this spicy, sexy fantasy cake right now that I did not think that I would be on this journey, but here I am. And, yeah, I don't know what I'm gonna read when I'm done with it. Actually, I do know what I'm gonna read when I'm done with it.

But.

I got a new Tana French book in the lineup, which I also never thought I would ever be into. Those are, like procedural, like, psychological detective mystery types of things, which I never thought I'd be into, like, crime novels. But Tana French is just like. She's so good. Anyway, Xander, big reader over here. What's your favorite book you've recently read? I'm the last book you recently read.

I don't know. I need to get back into the books.

Not a reader.

I am not a big reader. I'm not a big reader. I really like. I really like sci fi. I really like what people call kind of like hard or technical sci fi, and it's just. It's hard to find really good stuff. I will say my. My all time favorite is Kim Stanley Robinson. The Mars trilogy or the Mars series. I just, I. I love those books so much, and it is very difficult to find other ones that measure up.

Okay, what is your biggest pet peeve? And I know you're excited to answer this one.

Oh, I'm so excited to answer this.

One because I just did it.

Yeah, well, so we were gonna take this question out because I was like, God, I can't really think of any pet peeves. You know, I'm just not really a pet peeve person. And then Vanessa did something, and I called it out.

I said, oh, it's this.

Vanessa does this thing. I. For life of me, I cannot understand why you would do this.

I'm scratching my nose. That's all that I'm doing. So Vanessa says it's an aggressive scratch.

She says she's scratching her nose. What she does is she puts her palm into her nose, pushes very hard, and then, like, rubs her palm around.

And sometimes you got an itch in there.

And it. It's like, as if. Like, she's trying to break her own nose, but not going that hard. But. And then. And then the nose, it makes this noise. It's like.

That's awful.

That is what it sounds like.

What it sounds like.

It is what it sound like to me. You know, my perception is that this is what it sounds like, and it squicks me out.

It squeaks you. Does it give you the ick?

It gives me the ick. It gives me the heebie jeebies.

You don't want to have sex with me when I do that.

It feels like you're going to break something inside, and I don't like it.

What if we were right about to have sex and I did that, but you were, like, ready to go? Well, you continue.

You know what? This just made me think of? Something really funny, is that if I had my eyes closed, if I had my eyes closed, I wouldn't necessarily know that that's what you're doing. And it sounds like it could also be a sexy noise.

So maybe you're actually turned on by it, is what you're saying.

Yeah, maybe there's some, like, weird cognitive.

Dissonance going on here. Ick and.

Ick and.

All right, mine is boring. It's just when you're, like, not making any effort to not fart in front of me. We've talked about this one a bunch of times before.

Especially when you're not making any. When you're.

Well, no, because I want to be clear. Sometimes we don't have perfect control over farts. Sometimes they do slip out. But, like, I can tell when you're making zero effort or when you're actually making an effort to fart, and that's annoying.

Speaking of making an effort, like, last night. Last night, I made a huge effort, an unnecessary effort. I was in the bathroom which is my safe place. Oh, no.

You were in bed. In bed. You were really pushing them out. And I was just like, oh, God, no.

Last. Last night, I was brushing my teeth. I was in the bathroom. The bathroom. As you may know because we've said this before, the bathroom is my safe place for farts. Vanessa, just out of the goodness of her heart, really decided that it is totally fine to fart in the bathroom.

Can I just share the story from my perspective?

She doesn't fart in the bathroom, but I do.

I'm standing at the sink, just, like, putting my face creams on or whatever, and I'm looking at Xander, and he's facing me, and then all of a sudden, he just starts moonwalking backwards into the shower and then just lets it rip. But there was a second there, I was like, what is he doing? Why are you, like, moonwalking into the shower?

I knew that you were gonna wonder. And I was brushing. I was in the middle of brushing my teeth, like, with the sonic hair. So I couldn'. I couldn't talk. I was like, yeah. So I'm. I'm in the bathroom. I'm brushing my teeth. Vanessa leaves the bathroom, and I'm like, oh, thank God I have a fart. And then I'm like, it's coming. I'm about to fart. And then she comes back in, and I was just like, God damn it. If I fart right now, she's just gonna think that, like, I've been waiting for her. And I was trying to be really polite. That's. That was my intention. I was just like, God damn it. But I had the toothbrush in my mouth. I couldn't say anything, and I was just like. Like, I'm just gonna back on into the shower and see what she thinks. This is gonna look weird, but. Well, I made an effort.

You did. You did.

I went above and beyond. All right, let's. Let's move on. Is it ever exhausting talking about your relationship so much?

So this one also made me chuckle a little bit, because I think, like, what I really want people to understand is that we're the bosses of this business, and, like, we decide what we want to do. So if there's something that we don't. I mean, obviously, there are parts of, like, running any business where you don't love every single part, but when it comes to something this personal, like talking about our relationship, if we were exhausted by doing it, if we didn't love it in the first place, we wouldn't do it. And if there are times that we, like, get exhausted by it, we wouldn't do it. Like, we don't force ourselves to show up, whether it's on Instagram, whether it's here. Like, we don't force ourselves to do it if we're really not feeling it.

Yeah. And I think the other piece of it is that our. Our thing is not, like, talking 100% about our relationship. We talk about our relationship mixed in with all kinds of other stuff. And so we are never in a position where we're like, God, we really don't want to talk about our relationship, but we haven't done anything on social for five days, and we gotta say something like, yeah, we never do that. We're not in that position. We have all, you know, we answer, answer questions from other people. We, you know, we do a podcast on all kinds of different topics. We have all these different things that we talk about. And so for us, it's never like, there's never this pressure of, like, oh, you got to talk about your relationship now, even though you don't want to.

Yeah, never. I mean, we just don't force ourselves to. On an ongoing basis or in an individual basis. But we get questions like this a lot. Usually, like, on social media, people. Yeah. Like, do you ever get tired of talking about this? Or do you ever feel like you have to? Or something that comes up sometimes is people. People are like, why don't you ever take a day off on social media? Like, it's okay to take a break. And I'm like, oh, like, we genuinely enjoy showing up on social. Like, we're not forcing ourselves. If we want to take a break, we'll take a break. So it's interesting. It's like, I. I appreciate people being curious about that. And some of the messages have been really nice, like, hey, take a day off. Like, we'll be here to support you when you come back. So some of them are really kind, and I appreciate that. But it's like, we're never pushing ourselves to do something that we don't want to do, so you don't have to worry about us.

Yeah. Also, we each give each other veto, you know, no questions asked, veto power over any type of thing that we're going to share. So there's never this pressure between us of, like, oh, Vanessa wants to share this, but Xander doesn't. And, like, I'm doing it against my will, or she's doing against her will. Yeah, we. Yeah, we just. Yeah, we've never run into anything close to that. That type of situation.

And also, like, the reason that we don't get sick of it is because we know that it's important. Like, it's. I don't know how to describe this. It's not that we're super. Just egotistical. Like, I just want to talk about myself again today. Actually, I know I've said this before in these ask us anything episodes, like the first one that we did, I did not want to do it because I was like, this is not going to be interesting. Like, people don't want to listen to an hour of us answering random questions about ourselves, do they? So it's not like an ego thing at all about, like, oh, time for me to talk about myself again. But I do think, like, honest and open and vulnerable conversations about sex and relationships are so rare that I really think that it's. It's like a. A gift that we're giving to the world. Does that sound super egotistical? I don't know. It's just like, here's me giving my gift to the world again. No, I mean, I just. I think it is valuable, and so that motivates me to keep going. And when we get feedback from people saying, like, thank you for sharing that, I hope felt so alone, you know, because I go through something like this too, and you sharing it made me realize that I'm not alone. So it's. You know, it's getting feedback like that that makes me feel like what we're doing is important. There's a value to it, and that makes me want to keep doing it.

Well. And it's also not like, oh, God, like, we're. We're doing this, and we're so tired of it, and it's so annoying. Like, oh, the last thing I wanted, you know, once we log off, like, all I want to do is not talk about our relationship. Like, there's actually. When you talk about your relationship, when you talk about your sex life, it actually has a way of improving those things, making you. You know, I feel more comfortable with our sex life. I feel more comfortable initiating sex. I feel more comfortable asking for sex or asking for something new or whatever it is. I feel like all the talking that we do, like, we do it in a healthy way. We have. We have boundaries. We're each allowed to say what we want or not. Not. Not want to say in a given moment. And, you know, all the talking about it that we do do leads to a closer relationship and a better sex life. So it's. It's like, it's not like, oh, we're just helping other people at the detriment of ourselves. Like, I feel like we are able to help other people and help ourselves. Like, honestly, we might get more out of it than. Than you do. Like, that's why we're trying to encourage you to do it, too.

Okay. What is something you do that makes you feel confident or overcome insecurity?

Um, let's see. I. I mean, I guess, like, surfing is the first thing that comes to mind. Um, which is. Which is funny because sometimes, you know, like, you'll have a session or two that don't go so good and then, you know, maybe a little less.

Like today?

Yeah, like. Like today, maybe, like the past two days. The surf has been really good here the last couple of days, but it is also right around Christmas and everyone has the day off, and it's just, like, insanely crowded. The tide has been kind of funky. So there's been, like, not ideal moments to go surfing. And so I've been surfing a couple times. It hasn't been so great. But what I do is I just. I try to focus myself on, like, you know, what's, like, one moment from that session that I can feel really good about. And, you know, if all else fails, it's also, like, just. It helps me feel strong and capable and, you know, it's, you know, just. I mean, moving your body, I think, is, for me, is just a good way for me to feel good about myself. So. I like that.

Yeah, I think my answer is the same. Like, whenever I'm doing something like moving my body and not exercise necessarily, like, for, like, for the purposes of losing weight or getting toned or anything like that, but there's just something about moving my body that makes me feel sexy, makes me feel confident, connected to myself.

All right, now I'll answer the other side of this question because it was like, what makes you feel confident slash overcome insecurity? And what I will say about overcoming insecurities, I have had. I still do have plenty of insecurities. I used to really be plagued by kind of more like social insecurity and feeling like, oh, well, what is this person gonna think about that? What are they thinking about me? Or. Oh, I said something really weird like, should I be self conscious? Or something like that. And I think what I've kind of realized is, like. Like, I am my own harshest critic. Like, nobody is thinking the things that I'm thinking. They are thinking, like, it's just not happening. Like, for the most part, we are. You know, people tend to be kind of like, more wrapped up in themselves. Like, they're not like, digging into everything that I am doing. And so I just try to remind myself, like, if I have this thought of, oh my God, like, I must, I must have looked really weird doing that, or I must have sounded really dumb saying that, or like, oh, I wonder what my friends are thinking because, like, I didn't come to this event or whatever. I just try to remind myself, like, you know, if I'm out with my friends, like, I'm not really thinking about, like, the person who didn't come or I'm not like, trying to like, psychoanalyze like, what this person said or whatever. So I think that's just a good reminder, like, no one is noticing all these little things that I think I'm noticing.

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All right, next question. Have you ever gotten burned out on certain sex acts or positions?

That's an interesting question. I don't think I have.

Yeah, I'm like, I'm trying to think.

About like, I've never, I've never been like missionary again. Like there might be times where I'm wanting to do a different position or like mix things up a little bit, but it never, I don't think I ever get like a burned out feeling about it.

Yeah, no, I mean, all I can think of is that, you know, sometimes I will have an awareness of like, oh, the last couple times we had sex was like I was on top the whole time. And then, and, and, and, but that's as part it ever gets, I just go, hey, why don't you get on top? Or let's do another position, let's do something different. So I think that in the past maybe that would have been more likely to happen like when, when you or I, or perhaps like with a past partner, like I didn't feel comfortable saying, oh, let's do something different. But I think once you have that, you know, that level of connection and confidence talking about things, you don't ever need to get burned out on anything. Because I mean, what burned out implies is like you're doing something over and over. And over because you're not able to ask for anything different or do anything different because you don't feel comfortable with. So if you can feel comfortable with doing something different or you can feel comfortable asking to do something different, then you don't even need to ever get close to that point.

Yeah, that's a good. Very good point. Okay, the next question we're not going to answer, but it was an interesting one. So someone just straight up said, like, what's your income? And I. I think conversations about money are so fascinating. Like, there is a lot of overlap between money and sexual. Like, we, you know, there's this taboo around it. There's a sense of, like, oh, you don't talk about that. Or like, you don't share intimate details about your sex life with other people. Just like you don't share intimate details about your finances with other people. And it's an interesting one to mull over because I do think there are certain aspects of, like, our personal sex life that we won't discuss. You know, there are things that we keep private to ourselves, and there are aspects of our financial situation that we keep private into ourselves. But I do think, like, with money in particular, there's. It's like, why don't we talk about it more? I think it would benefit us so much. You know, talk about money more openly. Like, what do we make? What do we spend on? What do we save on? What are healthy financial habits? Like, even just sharing financial resources with each other more often would be beneficial. But it's just. Yeah, there's a very interesting taboo around money the same way there is around sex.

Okay, now leave least favorite chores. We're gonna go from taboo to. To, I don't know, pet peeve type questions.

That's how we roll in these ask us anything episodes. Okay. Mine is definitely unloading the dish rack. There's something about the dish rack in particular that I. I don't know. It makes no sense, but I hate doing it. I will wash. I'll wash dish. I would rather wash dishes, then have to take the clean, dry dishes and put them back away.

Wait, so when you say the dish rack, you just mean the bottom. The bottom of the dishwasher. Like, you don't mind taking.

No, no. I mean, like, the dishes that we have to hand wash. I actually don't mind unloading the dishwasher for some reason. It's not like a favorite chore. Laundry is a favorite chore. But I. Yeah, for some reason, there's something that feels different about the Dish rack, like the hand washed thing, things.

Huh.

I hate it.

That is really funny. I. I kind of prefer unloading the dish rack over the dishwasher because I have to bend. I have to, like, bend and reach over more. The. The dish rack is like. It's all right there, though. I mean, the one thing I think, you know, if I could venture a guess as to why you don't like it. Why, it's because it's not organized the way the dishwasher. The dishwasher has a clear organization. And it's like, okay, okay, I'm grabbing the plates. Now I'm putting the plates away. Okay, now I'm grabbing the cups. I'm putting the cups away.

And now that we have the new one with the little silverware drawer at the top. Oh, my God. That brings me a lot of pleasure. Unloading silverware.

Interesting. So I think. I think this is the answer. Vanessa likes organization, and as long as there's an organization behind something, she's usually on board with it. And I think the dish rack. Maybe we could stand to try to organize our dish rack better, but chaos. Yeah, the dish rack is chaos. And so Vanessa doesn't like, oh, I have to grab, like, five things, and then they go to, like, five different corners.

It's also like having to go. Because the dishwasher, it's right under the cups and the plates so I can clear it a lot faster. But the dish rack, it's like, oh, I gotta walk to the other side of the kitchen to put away the spatulas, and then I gotta come back, and then I gotta go back over there to put away the measuring cups. And it's just dumb. I don't like it dumb. What is your least favorite favorite?

My least favorite? Well, yeah, right now, my least favorite is breaking down boxes. We are in. We're in box hell right now because. So we were in box hell when we first moved into this house, because then you have, like, you have, like, moving boxes. You have all these, you know, like, things that you needed to order from Amazon and blah, blah, blah. And our. Our recycling pickup is only every other week. And. And so you can only put so many things in the recycle bin. However, they are very amenable to you putting just, like, a bag of other stuff next to it. Fortunately, when we were in la, that was a huge no, no. Like, they. They would chastise you if it didn't all fit in the box. And it's like, dude, I'm trying to recycle, like, can you just pick up my recycling? I've tried to make it as easy as possible on you, but anyway, I digress. But yeah, box hell, right now, because of the holiday days, we had all these boxes and then, yeah, we like got some new mattresses. Mattresses, Mattress boxes. Oh my God, they're so big. Yeah. So like, I'm gonna be doing some box breaking down shortly. I just, Yeah, I don't like it because I have to like be on my knees on the floor. It. You know, maybe I need some knee pads, some box cutting knee pads. Maybe that's what I need. We'll see. And, and then following on to that. It never used to be. But now because of where we live, taking out the trash is an annoyance because we have a. We have a steep driveway and I have to walk up to the top of the driveway. I mean, we could bring the bins down, but then you have to drag full bins up a steep driveway, which is dangerous. It's fine most of the time. But if it's like wet and slippery is like not safe. So we leave the bins up top and then I have to walk up and toss the stuff. So, you know, it could be worse.

All right. Do you still get embarrassed doing certain things in front of each other? What is this giggle? Uh oh. What's your answer?

Donald ducking.

You have to explain what Donald ducking is.

Well, I was hoping you might do it. Well, so I guess I don't really mind, but maybe I feel a little more embarrassed about it because I know Vanessa dislikes it so much. We refer to removing your bottom half of your clothes when your top half, that is shirt is still on as Donald ducking. And so you know, when one is.

Disrobing, like Winnie the Pooh.

Yeah. When one is disrobing, one has to be very cognizant of. Of which articles of clothing one is taking off first. And sometimes my brain doesn't work that way. I'm just like, yoink, pants off. And I'm like, oh God, oh my God, my T shirt is on.

It's just a really funny sight to see. Like a grown man with clothes on the top and then just totally bare assed on the bottom. I don't know.

See, look, we all have our own little insecurities and hang ups still to everyone that's like, oh, you were perfect sexually. You don't say no to anything and you're comfortable with everything.

Say no to ducking.

We say no. We say no to ducking. In this House.

Okay. My mind's less funny. I still, to this day, sometimes get embarrassed initiating sex. It's very rare these days. I've come a long way, but there's, like, every once in a while where I still feel that, like. Like, is he not gonna. Is he not into it right now? Should I. What if he says no? It still comes up for me every once in a while.

Yeah, I think those same things sometimes. I still. I still act on it, though.

I mean, I do, too, but it does still. Yeah.

You know, the. The interesting thing about this, Vanessa, is that I. Relative to. I don't know, a number of years ago in our relationship, I feel like I initiate sex so much more.

Oh, yeah.

Than I used to. So it's funny. It's funny to hear that, like, you, like, I mean, you definitely initiate sex less because you don't need to initiate it as often, I guess.

I mean, we're in a season where you're the more of the initiator.

Yeah, I'm the aggressor. No, no, I'm not. But, yeah, it's funny. It's just funny to hear you say that, you know? Yeah. You. In. In this time where you are perhaps initiating less, that you actually feel more embarrassed to do it. Maybe it's a. You're out of practice.

Yeah, maybe it is a little bit out of practice, and maybe it is because you're the primary one who initiates or, like, we do have a lot of instances where, like, neither one of us, like, explicitly initiates. It's just kind of like, we both know where this is going kind of thing. But I don't know, maybe because you are doing more of it in this season of Life that I feel a little more self conscious about, like, oh, if he's not initiating, does that mean he's just, like, not into it? I don't know. I mean, it's pretty. It's. It doesn't happen all the time for me, but I just, you know, I want to acknowledge that is still something that comes up for me sometimes.

Oh, thanks for sharing. All right, now I'm just moving into fun questions. Why pugs would you ever get a third?

They are snoozing behind us. Their snores, I'm sure, are gonna get picked up on this episode, but we. So we originally picked pugs because we were living in San Francisco in a tiny San Francisco apartment, and we couldn't get a big dog, so we wanted to get a little dog.

You could get a big dog.

Feel fair to get A big dog. Dog and keep it cramped up in a tiny apartment.

Yeah, we. We wanted. We wanted a dog that would, you know, adapt well to San Francisco apartment life, that wouldn't require an obscene amount of exercise, you know, because, like, I was, you know, I was working away from the house. I was gone most of the day. Vanessa was in and out doing client sessions and stuff like that. And I, I had grown up. Up with. With big dogs and like, I, you know, I. I am very aware of the amount of exercise that they need, and it just felt like it wouldn't really be fair to. To do that to a dog in San Francisco. And so then we were looking at smaller breeds like Frenchies and Boston's and pugs, and we realized pugs tend to require less exercise than. Than other small. There's a. There's some small dogs that are very cute, but are. Are kind of amped up.

Yeah.

So to speak. And. Yeah. So then we were just like, okay, yeah, let's. Let's do pugs. It's kind of like the lazy apartment breed, though. Not all, not all pugs.

Not all pugs.

There are some. There's some wild pugs out there.

Oh, yeah. But, yeah, I mean, I. I had always liked pugs. I thought their little smushy faces are very cute.

So I don't know if I ever met a pug really, before we got.

I don't know if I had ever met one, but I just, like, thought they were. I mean, there were a bunch of. I liked Frenchies a lot. I like bul. Bulldogs, but yeah. And just doing that research, it felt like the pug fit our lifestyle. Lazy apartment dweller lifestyle. And then in terms of a third, I don't think we would get a third. It just like, feels a little weird to be outnumbered by your animals. And I've also. I don't know if this is true, but I've heard that it's not great to have three dogs because they can kind of like two can gang up on the other. Yeah, two can gang up on the other a little bit. It. I don't know any dog trainers out there. Let us know if I just heard that out of nowhere. I don't know. But yeah, I mean, we'll definitely continue getting pugs throughout our life.

Yeah, I think once. Once we got Winston, our first pug, it was kind of like a love affair. Yeah, pugs are. They're just. They're just really great, really great, sweet dogs. It's hard. Hard to explain unless you have one or unless you know one, but. And. And I'm sure that whatever breed we had gotten, we probably would have fallen in love with that breed, but. Yeah, we just love bugs.

They're sweet. They're silly. They're very loyal. They're really goofy. They love to cuddle. Yeah, they love to cuddle each other. And they just want to be around you all the time.

Yeah. So if you don't like that, don't get a pug.

But also if you don't like shedding and farting and snoring, don't get a pug.

Yeah, but we like the idea of a dog following us around, and so that's what we got, and that's what they do, and it's great.

Okay, this one could be related. Do you have a favorite smell? Oh, little Frito paws, perhaps?

Yeah. My favorite smell is probably the dogs the first day or two after a bath. It's just. It's so good, and they're so good.

But when the paws start getting a little Frito. Yeah. I really like a stinky paw.

Yeah. So I don't know if it's all dogs or it's just Vanessa and me, but we kind of think of our dog's smells as different stages of corn products. Like, well, the first couple days, there's no corn. It's just like. There's no corn. It's just fresh. Fresh as hell. Like, I mean, I guess it's the.

The scent of the shampoo.

The scent of the shampoo that we use on them, which is great. Great. And then they start to smell like a fresh corn tortilla. A fresh corn tortilla, which is so, so good. So good. You know, we're. We're both. We're both Latin at heart. Love a good corn tortilla.

We're actually Latin.

Yeah. I mean, that's. Heart is your part of your body.

It sounds like we're, like, fake.

Yeah, We're. We're both Latino.

Okay. And then it. Then it turns into Frito.

Then it turns into Fritos, which. Can you even buy Fritos anymore? I feel like they're not. Okay. That's more of a throwback to my childhood. I have not had a Frito in probably decades, but I do. I like the. The chili cheese fritos. Those are pretty good. They don't smell like the chili cheese. They just smell like the. The plain Fritos, which aren't really that tasty.

I would say it goes tortilla chip, and then Frito Fritos like, kind of.

Yeah, yeah. Frito is kind of getting. Yeah. So, yeah, it goes tortilla. So it's. Yeah, it's like. It's like, you know, the fresh corn, and then it dries into. Into a corn chip. It gets fried, and then it gets doubly fried into a Frito. And once they kind of get into, like, stinky Frito or, like, Huit la coche.

Oh, wow. He's really trying to prove he's a Latino.

That's when the funk comes in and it's time for another bath, and we go right back to the beginning.

It's so good. I'll also put in a plug for trees after it's rained. Oh, that's a good sign.

Okay. Yeah, that's a really good solid. Solid. I mean, also, like, you know, a fresh Christmas tree. That's pretty darn.

Oh, yeah. That's a good one.

Rain or not, it's pretty good. Okay, now, what about your least favorite holiday? Because Vanessa's favorite holiday is Christmas.

Yes. I love Christmas. Least favorite holiday. New Year's Eve, for sure.

Oh, God. I didn't even think about.

Been a New Year's person.

Yeah, me too. I think I would say the exact same thing. New Year's Eve, New Year's Day. I'll just combine those into one.

I just, like. I get excited about it being. Well, no, I won't even say that. Like, sure, it's a new year. Okay, great.

Wow.

It sounds so bad, but I don't get that, Like, I don't know. I feel like a lot of people. People, like, kind of hate on the end of the year of, like, oh, God, I just want it to be next year. And then there's all this, like, optimism and excitement, and I'm. I'm excited about a new year, but I'm not. I'm not coming from this place of, like, oh, God, let us get to a new year. I don't know. I don't have that, like, whole trying to reset everything part of my brain. But there's something about New Year's Eve in particular that just, like, I. I just have never enjoyed it. Like, I don't want to go out to a big party, but I also, like, want to be invited to big parties so that I, like. I don't know. I feel like I have options or. I don't know. But you were talking about social anxiety earlier, and I feel like New Year's Eve stirs up social anxiety for me. It's like, I want to have, like, 10 invitations to do different things. So I feel like, feel like popular. But then I don't want to do any of them.

Interesting.

But then we've like, we've done. My favorite New Year's Eves have been ones where we spent with like smaller groups of people. We've like cooked a really nice meal at home and like hung out like. So I like doing it at home. But in general it's like. And especially these, these later years, like, I don't like staying up to like past midnight.

These later years. Yeah, no, I don't know.

Older, like I just. Staying up late, it gets harder and harder for me. And I know midnight is. It's hilarious because even just a few years ago, like midnight was when we were starting to get ready to go out. But these days, in this season of life, I'm an early, early to bed type of person. So it's like, I don't like staying up. I don't want to get super wasted. I've never wanted to do like a club thing. I don't know, I just hate it. I hate the whole thing.

Yeah, I know.

I don't want to do anything.

Yeah, I mean, I guess I would say I don't hate it anymore because I don't participate in it anymore. I don't do anything. And so it doesn't really bother me. But yeah, I definitely used to really dislike New Year's because it was like, well, of course we got to go out, like, you know, all going out with all my friends, we got to figure out something really epic to do. It was all this pressure to do something really epic to try to get like all the friends into the same place doing the same thing. But then it's really hard to find the right thing to do or in like, oh, the tickets are really expensive and oh God, what time do we have to get there so that we're there by midnight and we beat the crowd or not beat the crowd or whatever. And then it's just amateur hour. Like so like back when I was going out a lot, it was like, oh God, New Year's amateur hour. And like now, now like I don't go, I don't go out. I like my sleep. I like surfing early in the morning. Morning. I don't want to mess with New Year's. I'm looking forward. Hopefully there's good waves on New Year's Day because Dawn patrol New Year's Day. That is, that is the call. Other also Christmas Day, Christmas Day is the call. I was not able to Surf on Christmas Day. I checked the cameras and, man, man, I missed out. But, you know, I did not miss out on family, and that's great.

All right, last question. Who. Who Is your favorite 49er?

Are we talking about current. Current roster of all time?

As a lifelong 49ers fan, you can have two. You can have a. Yeah, historical and a current.

Oh, man, that's tough. Well, I guess for historical, I'm gonna go with Vernon Davis. I have his jersey. I just. Yeah, I. I'm a big. I'm a big Vernon Davis fan. I love the grab in the. In the playoff game versus the New Orleans Saints back in. God, what was that? Late 2000s or something like that? Or 2010s or early 2010, something like that. I'll never forget that moment. I was a little. I was. I was young in the, like, Steve Young era. Obviously, that's when I started watching the 49ers and really loving them. Oh, I mean, I was too young. Like, Joe Montana was probably quarterback when I was like 5 years old or something, but I don't really. I don't remember that. I wasn't watching football. Well, what about your current favorite? I mean, do you have a historical favorite?

No. I mean, I was.

Yeah, you do.

Oh, I do.

You were traumatized by this player's traumatic injury and the fact that they replayed it over and over and over when it happened. Happened.

So I did not grow up a Niners fan. I grew up in Southern California and I hated football. But then when I met Xander in San Francisco As a lifelong 49ers fan, somehow he tricked me. He tricked me into liking football, and I started loving it. So my favorite, my historical player. You know, the history of me liking the Niners goes Back to like 2008 probably, but Navarro, Bowman, and I just. I don't even. There was just something about him. The light in his eyes, the energy that he brought to the team. And he did have a really awful injury, and I just hated. I genuinely was traumatized by that. It was really awful. But I have his jersey and I just. I love him. He's retired, right?

Yes.

Yeah, it's been a while. And my favorite current player, you know.

Oh, I know who it is, but they don't.

Fred Warner. Cuz he's sexy. That's a good looking man. I think he just got either engaged or married somebody in our. In our. I think a couple people in our Instagram audience, because I've posted about him before and a couple people, like, were family, friends. With him or like knew him growing, growing up. But he's a, you know, he just seems like a really nice man, A good partner, a good person. He's very attractive. And I will always laugh about somebody on Instagram messaged and was like, oh, I think Xander and Fred Warner look very similar. They do not. But I, I'll take it.

I will take it.

It's okay. I'm attracted to all different kinds of, of people, so I can be attracted to Fred Warner and to Sandra. But he seems like a nice man, doesn't he? Like, don't you just want to be friends with. I don't know if I could be friends with Fred Warner. I'd just be like Fred Warner. So good looking. He just seems like a nice guy. Okay, who's your favorite man?

This is, this is tough. Like I, I really love the current 49ers team, but I don't know if there's anyone where I'm like, I don't know if I have like a, you know, he, like a runaway favorite. I will say I am, I am feeling the, the Purdy mania.

Oh, interesting.

It's such a good story. It's such a good story.

You like that big cock energy?

Big, big Brock energy is, you know, what, what the people are calling it. But yeah, I mean, I'm, you know, I'm cautiously optimistic. I don't want to call it too early, but it's pretty exciting, you know, if you have no idea who Brock Purdy is. This guy was drafted the very last pick in the NFL draft this year, which they call Mr. Irrelevant. They kind of make a joke out of it every year. Whichever team happens to have the last pick, they call that player Mr. Irrelevant. I think like the NFL kind of does like a Mr. Irrelevant profile on them. And this guy, the 49ers had the last pick this year drafted. Brock Purdy. He's a quarterback. He was our third string quarterback and is now starting because Trey Lance got hurt and then Jimmy Garoppolo low got hurt and he's just come out of nowhere and is like an absolute beast. Like making, making all the throws, making all the reads. It's, it's pretty incredible to watch and it's exciting.

You're not gonna say Kittle or cmc?

Yeah, I mean, no. You know what?

Like I might say has been very fun to watch. Yeah, he might be my second.

It was very exciting that we traded for Christian McCaffrey. He, he is pretty awesome. I love, I love me some Kittle. I also love Me some Bosa. He's having a hell of a year. Bosa is an absolute beast. Like, he's just fun to watch because he's just. He is far and away better than any. Any person that he goes up against.

Yeah, we got some. We got some good players, some exciting ones to watch. I don't know. There was. You showed me that picture of George Kittle and Christian McCaffrey. Wait.

Yeah, McCaffrey.

Why don't they want to say McCafferty, Christian McCaffrey in the locker room after the Christmas weekend game. And there was. There was some BDE in that picture from cmc. Some BDE from cmc. I was like, oh, okay. All right.

I also. Also honorable mentioned to Debo Samuel. I have him on my. On my fantasy team, too. He, you know, not having. Having quite as great of a season as he did last year, but he's just. He's just a fun player to watch and also always, always enjoy. Just Jerry Rice in the stands, like, so hyped every single game, always wearing some big chain. You know, Jerry's one of the greatest 49ers of all time.

All right, well, that got random, man.

Yeah. If you're still here, you're still here after. You know, if you care enough about us talking about. About a random football team that you are probably not a fan of, but maybe you're about to become a fan of wink, wink, then congrats for being here.

They're like, thinking back, like, yeah, Vanessa was right. These episodes are dumb. Who would want to listen to Xander, Vanessa talking about the 49ers.

Yeah, man. Should we do, like, ama. All 49ers.

Nobody would listen. Okay? Truly, nobody would listen to the.

That maybe, like, you might be surprised.

We might be other 49ers fans break.

Into the sports world.

All right, well, thank you so much for listening. If you have an idea for a future ask us anything theme that you want to see, let us know. We always love hearing your feedback on our episodes. So come on over to Vanessa and Xander on Instagram and let us know.

And if you're still here and you still have. Still haven't bought our book, pre ordered our book. Get your ass over to sex talks book.com, pre order that book. You're gonna get a massive, massive package of freebies. Some. Some big freebie energy. There's some big freebie energy. Bfe, baby. Get it? Sex Talks book dot com. And yeah, with that. That's it for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much. For listening. Join us again next week when we talk about the journey of how we wrote that book.

Can't wait.

Can't wait.