EPISODE 90: Why Missionary Is (Secretly) Our Favorite Position

In missionary, I can really have a great orgasm. And that's particularly because there are tons of ways to adjust the position.

Hello, and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience.

And I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. Thanks to Green Chef for sponsoring our podcast. Green Chef is the number one meal kit for eating well with dinners that work for you, not the other way around. Go to greenchef.com pillowcase60 and use code PILLOW60 to get 60% off plus free shipping. And thanks to Rocket Money for supporting our podcast. Rocket Money will quickly and easily identify your subscriptions for you so you can stop paying for the ones you don't want. Stop throwing your money away, cancel unwanted subscriptions and manage your expenses the easy way by going to rocketmoney.com pillow hey, Xander.

Yeah?

Wait, what? What is that voice?

It's my bedroom voice. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Thank God it's not.

There we go.

Oh, no.

Let's go, baby. Wasn't expecting this.

Keep going.

Come on, let's go. You gotta go, baby. It's your intro.

You just completely hijacked my intro. That was. That voice is so weird.

It's not sexy. You don't want this.

Who's the name of this alter ego here?

Big Al. That's right, baby. All right, all right. Come on. Pull it together, girl. As I. As I raise my voice two octaves.

Pull it together, girl.

Pull it together, girl.

Oh, my God, Big Al. I had no idea we were gonna go in this direction.

I mean, you were railing on me for my lack of range, like, two episodes ago when I was trying to sing Mariah Carey. So I'm just showing you, you know, maybe I can't, but I can go low.

I can't wait to spend some quality time with Big Al.

Hopefully I don't blow anybody's subwoofers out.

That's not sexy. That's sexy for, like, the two audio files in our audience, and one of them is you. Nobody else cares. Anyways, what I was trying to do, which now is just, like, not gonna work as an intro, but whatever I was gonna say, you know, you're married to a sex therapist. You're the co owner of a sex therapy company.

Oh, yeah.

I think people always assume we have this like, very wildly kinky threesomes every night. Oh, yeah.

Foursomes.

Even with big L. So I want to know what's your favorite position? Because I imagine it must involve something about hanging upside down or slamming against the wall, being twisted in a pretzel. So tell us.

God, you know, I'm going to have to think there's just so many positions that I do all the time, every single time I have sex. How could I choose one? Well, I'll go with missionary.

Yep, missionary. Yeah, good old missionary. Xander Marin, Mr. Sex Therapy. Favorite sex position. So today's episode is all about missionary because missionary gets a pretty. Brad. Bad rep. Brad.

Rap.

Brad, rap. Don't you think, like, it's kind of looked down on people think of like missionary? Like it's very vanilla.

I mean, it just sounds very uncool, the word, like mission missionary.

Yeah, I mean, I think people, you think of it as just being very dull, very chaste. You know, where people.

Basic.

Yeah, very basic.

It's the first position that most people do or most people hear about. And so you automatically think, well, it must not be a very good one. If it's like the basic. It's like the starting point.

Yeah, yeah. So I think a lot of people feel like there's something wrong with liking missionary or, you know, they shouldn't like it or it's. Yeah, it just feels like too tame, too vanilla, too unexciting.

Yeah, it's like being like, yeah, I love vanilla ice cream is my favorite kind of ice cream. Though in reality, I think a lot of people really do love vanilla ice cream. There is a reason why vanilla ice cream is like the standard ice cream. It's because it's damn good.

So we wanted to do this episode because we think, despite the reputation that missionary is a phenomenal position, that there are so many incredible benefits to it and there are lots of ways to spice it up. So yes, of course you can have very boring, silent in the dark, like, you know, quick little thrusting missionary that feels bad for everyone involved. But you can also make a lot of changes, some of them not even a big deal, like very easy changes to make missionary feel seductive and intimate and exciting and incredibly sexy.

But before we assume the missionary position.

Oh, look at that transition.

We are going to read the review of the week. Fantastic, relatable, informative. I found this podcast today by typing a very long by Typing a very long search on the podcast app that I didn't think would even work. Here it goes. It was how to be more open minded about kinky sex.

Ooh, wow.

That's awesome. I think that's great to just do a big long, like Google ask, search in the podcast app and just see what comes up.

Ask for what you want.

Yeah, ask for what you want. I'm so glad that ours came up. All right, Cry, laughing face. My husband and I have been married 19 years and he has always been the more adventurous one in the bedroom. I, on the other hand, struggle, and I don't know why. Sometimes I'm on board and sometimes I'm such a prude. We live among a population of people who we know from personal experience are taught that certain sexual encounters and practices are frowned upon. That's never stopped us from being adventurous, but it does screw with my mind a little. That and the fact that we have two youngish kiddos, which always makes me feel really awkward. Anyways, I took a leap of faith and clicked on your podcast and found an episode about getting kinky and loved it. We're not beginners by any means, but there was a lot of helpful info that gives me a starting point to getting more comfortable and maybe even opening me up to taking charge so my sweet husband doesn't always have to play that part. Wink. Then I listened to the butt stuff episode, the more recent one that was also such a great episode. Really helped open my mind to why butt stuff is so enjoyable, especially for him. Because that's been a struggle for me to get on board with. And I really look forward to reading through the guide with him. Yep, that's right. I ordered a book about full on intercourse in my anus. You guys rock. Thank you. Thank you for being so fun and relatable, yet so informative.

Oh my God, what a delightful review. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave this. And I love that this person literally found the podcast the day that they wrote the review.

Yeah, I mean, like from big long search, not expecting to find anything, to finding a great app, to finding another great episode, to becoming a customer of.

Ours and leaving a review a hell yeah.

I think we must. We must be doing something right.

So if you are a listener who's been hanging out here for a while and you keep thinking, oh, I'm gonna write them a review, I'll do it later, I'll do it later. And you haven't, then do it today, do it today. Because this person literally wrote A review the day that they found the podcast, which is so cool. And we have our review of the week giveaway. So if this was you, email us at inf@vmtherapy.com and tell us the username that you used to leave the review, and you will get a masterclass of your choosing. We have four options for you to choose from, and you will get it absolutely free. And if you leave us a review, you are entered into this weekly giveaway every single week going forward, just as our way of saying thank you for leaving a review. Okay, so let's get into it. Let's talk a little bit more about why people hate on missionaries so much. So we kind of already covered. Like, people think that missionary sex is very vanilla. And I think if you haven't heard that term used before, vanilla is. Used to be, like, you know, very basic kind of straightforward sex.

Yeah. It's definitely a judgmental term. Like, no, when people say vanilla sex, no one is like, yeah, vanilla sex, because vanilla is my favorite ice cream. And, like, it's more of a, like, oh, vanilla is boring.

Yeah. But just like you were saying with the ice cream example, like, vanilla is vanilla for a reason. Like, a lot of people do love vanilla, and I think it's the very same thing with sex. Things get popular because they work for a lot of people. Yeah. Because they're good pleasers. Right. So I, you know, our perspective is always that any kind of sex that feels good for you, that feels good for your partner, that is good sex.

Yeah. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Yeah. There's nothing wrong with having standby, you know, old reliable favorites that you really come back to time and time again. So, of course, we talk a lot about, like, trying new things and stretching your comfort zone. We do think that there is so much to explore when it comes to sex. And, like, why not explore? It can be really, really fun to try new things. It can feel very connecting. Create this new experience between you and your partner. But I think sometimes people hear that, that advice to try new things, and they think that we mean, like, every single time you should be trying new things, and that's just not the case. Like, do it every once in a while.

Yeah. The emphasis is on try. It's not always do new things or do new things so you don't have to do the old things anymore.

Yeah. It's like, it's totally fine to have certain things that, you know. Like, this works for me. It works for my partner. We enjoy It. Like, we like doing it.

Yeah. I mean, I think it's. It's, you know, it's akin to trying new things in the world as well, like trying new foods or traveling to new places. Like, just because you travel somewhere new, it doesn't mean that you need. That you dislike your home, that you need to move somewhere else. I mean, I. You know, I've always found that, you know, the more I travel, the more I appreciate my home and where I live. And that doesn't make me not want to travel anymore, but it also doesn't make me, like, want to move away from where I live. Like, it's. It's enjoyable to travel and to experience new things. And afterwards I come back to, you know, our familiar home, and I love it even more.

I also think as people have become more aware of kinky sex, it's become more mainstream. Obviously, 50 shades of gray was, like, a really big and not great example of bringing kink into the mainstream, but I think it's created this dynamic where some people think that kinky sex is inherently better than, you know, vanilla in quotes sex, or like.

Like, there's like, beginner sex and then advanced sex. And I think. Yeah, when you use that type of terminology, for the most part, you know, ideally you want to be, you know, advanced at whatever it is you're doing, whether it's like a subject in school or like a skill, a sport.

Yeah.

Or whatever. But, yeah, with sex, I feel like that's just not. It's not good terminology. Think of it that way.

Yeah. You're not a beginner if you like missionary, and you're not like, some advanced special person if you love kink. Like, I know I've said this a million times, but, like, we always like to repeat this. Like, whatever you like is great. If you're into kink, that's amazing. Amazing. And we're so excited and wonderful if you like vanilla sex, that's amazing and exciting, and we're happy for you. Like, there is no hierarchy. There are no gold stars to be awarded here. So, yes, push yourself a little out of your comfort zone. Try some new things, but don't be ashamed if you have certain things that you love to fall back on. As long as they feel enjoyable to you, that's all that matters.

Yeah. And so we're going to be talking a lot today about how to make missionary more enjoyable, because I think a lot of people miss out on. On a lot of aspects of missionary that are really, truly excellent.

Okay, so let's talk about what are the benefits of missionary. So I think for a lot of people it can feel very like safe, comfortable, familiar, instinctual even.

Perhaps.

Sure. Like there's, you know, and there's a. Yeah. There is a comfort in that of like, it's just I know this position, I know what to do, I know how to make it work for me. And like, you know, especially times where maybe you're tired that day or you're not feeling super adventurous. Like it's just this familiar standby for a lot of people.

Yeah. I mean it is not very acrobatic and both parties are typically not needing to exert themselves too much do in missionary. Except, you know, maybe we'll talk a little later about, about ways that you can exert yourself or that you could. But the way, you know, the, the OG Missionary.

Yeah.

Is kind of like. Yeah, no one, no one's getting tired. Tired out. No one is too uncomfortable.

Yeah. And yeah, so that's an important thing too. Like for a lot of people it's a very accessible position, whereas other things that might be like acrobatic or requiring holding up weight like just aren't going to be doable for a lot of bodies. So it can be an accessible position. Not for all, but definitely for a lot of people.

Yeah. So it can also be super intimate and romantic. And this is a kind of obvious one. Like you're face to face in a lot of sex positions. Especially, you know, if you get our guide to next level intercourse, which includes a ton of sex positions. Like, you'll see there's a lot of options where you may not be facing each other. Like one person may be looking at the other person, but the, you know, the other person is looking away or perhaps neither of you are looking at each other. And that definitely takes away some of the intimacy because looking at each other, it can be really hot and sexy.

Yeah. I mean, you're so close in missionary, like you're really holding each other, embracing each other. It can feel much closer than pretty much any other position.

Yeah. I'm struggling to think of any, any other position where you are that close and you know, that really just vulnerable with each other.

Yeah. I also think there's something about missionary that helps boost confidence for people. Like once you feel like you've kind of figured it out because like you were saying, for most people it is the first intercourse position that they start with. And so there can be this, this comfort of like, okay, I figured out how to make this work. I'm feeling good. About it now I feel confidence to try something different too.

Yeah, because, like, you always have something to come back to. Like, okay, I'm going to try this other one. And maybe we do that for 30 seconds. Maybe we're really tired out after that. Okay, let's go. Let's go back to the one you know. The one that we know works.

Okay. So, Xander, since this is your favorite sex position, what is it that you like so much about it?

Well, you know, I actually, I think the. The very first thing that I like most about it is that I'm pretty sure that I am capable of having the best orgasm in missionary. Like, I really. I really love cowgirl because I'm a secret pillow princess. And I. I do. I love you on top. I love the view. I love the options for me touching you, you touching you, whatever. But I feel like I can't have quite of as intense of an orgasm in that position. And in missionary, I can really have a great orgasm. And that's particularly because there are tons of ways to adjust the position. Like there's, you know, kind of like the. The standby missionary that I think most people think of when they think of missionary. But there's so many ways to adjust your weight, lift yourself up a little bit, shift things very slightly that feel really different. So. Yeah, so it's like there's just so many opportunities to give yourself a different experience throughout the whole experience, so it's like things aren't getting stale. And then when it comes time to orgasm, you know, you can get into whatever position you know really works best for you and have at it.

Great. Any other reasons why you love it?

Well, of course. I also love being able to look at you. Now our height difference does. Does impact that a little bit. I have to really, like. I have to really get my chin, like, to my chest and look down. We've got a full foot to really see her. But no, I mean, I am much closer to your face than. Than I am in any other position. And I like to look at you. I think you're beautiful.

Oh, thank you.

In case you weren't sure.

Thanks, babe.

Yeah. But what about you?

Yeah, I. I mean, I like the feeling of you over me. Like there's something very sexy about that. I can get into a little pillow princess mood as well.

It is. It is how you imagined that married, married people slept like. Not like slept like had sex, but like how they slept at night.

Yeah.

You. Vanessa imagined as a kid that her spouse would sleep on top of her. Yeah. With their full weight on her.

I don't know where I got that.

Not sure where she got that idea from. Sounds pretty horrifying to me.

Oh, awful. I would hate it, but I do. Yeah, I like the feeling of it. I like all variations, which we will talk about in a sec. And I like the intimacy of being really close and connected with each other. It just. Yeah, it feels like a sweet position to me, the way that you and I have missionary sex. It doesn't ever feel like. It's like, you know, I'm just lying there staring at the ceiling and you're like, pumping away. You know, it's always very. It's really intimate. I mean, the interesting thing about it is it can take on a lot of different tones too. Like, sometimes it can be very sweet and intimate and romantic, and sometimes it can be like, very wild and dirty.

Yeah.

Which I like.

It can. It can. And I mean, I'll say. I think that our missionary skills have greatly up leveled since we started sleeping together.

Oh, absolutely.

Because, you know, early you, you were like, oh, it's never, it's never like boring or just like you pumping away. I definitely have some memory, maybe had a couple of flashbacks of like early on before we kind of figured out what really worked for us, where maybe it wasn't the most exciting thing. And I'm really happy that, that, you know, we have a whole new idea of what missionary is. New memories.

Okay, so let's get into it. Let's talk a little bit about ways to play around with missionary and to make it feel different, more exciting, more passionate, more pleasurable.

So the number one thing to make missionary more pleasurable is playing around with all the little small adjustments that you can make to the position. So that can be just like, as simple as, like moving a limb a little bit so that your weight is, you know, more on one side, more on the other side. Like more, you know, on your hands versus your elbows. You can also change the angle of your bodies by raising, like, you know, for the person penetrating, you know, by raising your, your pelvis a bit or lowering your pelvis a bit. I think, you know, the person on the bottom can also probably make some adjustments with their legs to, you know, alter the, the angle at which the penetration will occur.

Or like a pillow under your hips as well can make a big difference.

Yeah, absolutely. A pillow under your hips or, you know, actually straight up, like the, you know, like a sex pillow that, you know, is angled in a certain way. You know, that, that can make a huge Difference?

Yeah. I think one of the things that surprises me the most about missionary is that making even small adjustments can really change the sensation of the position and the overall experience of it.

So much so that when we created next level intercourse, which shows you all kinds of ways to have incredible intercourse, and one of those ways is via different positions. When we were coming up with all the positions, we were trying to figure out, like, okay, like, do we just have missionary with a ton of variations? Or, like, are there actually a bunch of different positions that are kind of in the missionary family tree and what we.

The missionary family tree.

The missionary family tree. You know, the. The sex family tree. That sounds weird. I don't know why? Maybe because families in there. I don't know. But anyway, you know, what we ended up deciding on was we actually created 17 distinct positions that are all in that missionary family. And so they are all accessed, you know, by getting into position the same way. Like, just getting into what you might consider basic missionary and then making an adjustment. And the reason we decided to do that is because in each of these 17 different positions, there are further adjustments that you can make in each one. And that's what we do in next level intercourse. We show you the position itself. We tell you, how do you get into the position, and then once you're in the position, how do you move in that position? And then beyond that, like, what are different variations that you can do in terms of shifting your weight and how to transition. Yeah, and, yeah, how to transition into it and then finally how to get out of the position. Because that's another thing that, you know, we. We were surprised once we started asking people about sex positions. One of the. One of the big blockages to trying new sex positions is people not knowing how to get out of it or being like, it feels scary. I might hurt myself. I might hurt my partner. I had a bad experience doing that once. So, like, we go super basic in next level intercourse. But, yeah, we. We made 17 different distinct positions that are all accessed the same way. And then you start moving your bodies and they're. They're so different, and they. They can feel so good. I think that's the coolest thing.

Yeah. So we will put a link to check out next level intercourse in the show notes. We actually just got a DM from somebody that was like, I'm really embarrassed to be asking this, but, like, how do you get better at intercourse? Like, I never learned this anywhere. I feel so awkward. I feel like I'm kind of just flopping around I don't know what to do.

Oh, we got you there with a lot of love, let me tell you.

So Xander was just talking about the positions aspect of it, but that really is just one aspect of the guide. It's really all about learning how to have intercourse. It feels pleasurable and satisfying and intimate for both partners. And in particular, we have a focus on female pleasure because a lot of women say that intercourse is not their favorite activity because it doesn't feel very good. And we will talk a little bit about that next. But it's such a great guide for really breaking down, like, exactly what to do and how to do it and how to. To have fun and increase the pleasure for everybody.

Yeah, I mean, it might be my favorite product that we offer, just because I think when it comes to sex and intercourse specifically, we so often just end up putting ourselves in a box where we stick with what we know. You know, especially. I'm just speaking from my perspective as a man. Like, there's all this pressure of. Of being good at sex and, like, being good at sex from a very young age or, like, at a very low experience level and wanting to project to people, like, oh, yeah, like, oh, I lost my virginity, but I'm really good at it now, you know? Like, you know, it was. It was so good from the very first time. And, like, I. You know, very quickly, you. Everyone kind of expects it. Like, if you. If you are. If you're a real man, like, you know what you're doing, and because of that pressure, you end up kind of stopping yourself from trying new things, because trying new things feels scary. Because it's like, if I do something new and I don't know how to do it, and why would I know how to do it? Because I've never done it before. No one ever told me how to do it. Like, I might not be very good at it, and then I don't look like I know what I'm doing. Someone might talk to their friends and be like, oh, he had no idea what he was doing. He was supposed to be perfect at it. But the reality is, no one actually expects you to be perfect at it. But I digress. That's why this product is so cool, because you can read all about how to do this stuff and actually feel like, you know what you're gonna need to do when you try it? It's not, like, totally flying blind, because I think so many people are like, oh, I saw this sex position or heard someone talk about it, and, like, let's try to do it right now in the moment, like when we are having sex. And, like. And that's just like a recipe for, like, someone getting hurt, losing an erection or whatever. Just having a bad experience. So, yeah, that's why I love this.

Before we go any further, we want to tell you a little bit more about Green Chef. To be totally honest with you, we have had a very busy season of life right now.

Oh, yeah.

Neither one of us feel like cooking at all.

Oh, no, we don't.

But Green Chef has been a lifesaver. These meals, fresh, they're healthy, they're super fast to cook. We have had a few days where I couldn't even fathom cooking, but we were able to have a really healthy, tasty, delicious meal. Just the other day we had. What was it? The sesame ginger salmon.

Yeah, that was tasty.

Oh, my gosh, that was so good. So we are really liking Green Chef because they have options for every lifestyle. There are a ton of different categories you can pick between, like keto and paleo, vegan, vegetarian, Mediterranean. We're both gluten free, so we just automatically filter our menu to be gluten free. They have also really expanded their menu, so there are, I think, over 30 recipes weekly now. So even with our categorization of it has to be gluten free, we still have many meals to choose from every single week.

Oh, yeah. We have so many choices. It's not like the old days of being gluten free, like 10 years ago, where you go to a store and it's like, oh, you want gluten free food? Here's one option.

Yeah, no, we have so many options. It's been really great. And we actually like to double our order. So that that way we have a meal and then we have leftovers the next day, which has also been a lifesaver in terms of not having to cook every single meal. We're just so excited to have Green Chef as a sponsor because we're eating their food every week. We're really enjoying it. It's been such a huge help in this really challenging time, so we're very excited to be able to share them. Green Chef recipes feature premium proteins, seasonal organic produce, and sustainably sourced seafood. Raise your food standards in 2023 and reap the flavor benefits. Go to greenchef.com pillow60 and use code PILLOW60 to get 60% off plus free shipping. And let us tell you a little bit more about rocket money, too. So I've got a pop quiz for you, Xander. So do you think that most Americans know how much they are paying on their subscriptions. So the quiz for you is, what do you think Americans think they're spending on their subscriptions? And how much are they actually spending?

Oh, God. I am going to guess that they grossly underestimate how much it is per month, too. Per month. Okay, let's say that Americans think they are spending $200 a month on their subscriptions.

Okay. And how much are they actually paying?

$450.

You're pretty close. You kind of, like, doubled it. So most Americans think that they spend 80amonth on subscriptions when the actual total is closer to 200. Okay. And second, pop quiz. How many subscriptions does the average person have?

8 12.

12 subscriptions. So Rocket Money, formerly known as True Bill, is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you low your bills all in one place. So if you are one of those people who is dramatically underestimating how many subscriptions you have and how much you're paying for those subscriptions on a monthly basis, then definitely check out rocket money. Over 3 million people have used Rocket Money, and the Average person saves $720 a year. Pop quiz. Xander, what would you do with 720 extra dollars?

New surfboard.

Oh, okay. So a whole surfboard. You know, we are not immune to this. I think I talked about this last time we shared about Rocket Money. We have had so many subscriptions ourselves, business subscriptions and personal subscriptions, where we just totally forgot about it. It's one of those, like, try it free for 30 days and cancel whenever you want. And then we forget to cancel, and we've been paying for it. So Rocket Money is just an easy way to uncover all that money that you're wasting and get it back. So stop throwing your money, cancel unwanted subscriptions, and manage your expenses the easy way by going to rocketmoney.compillow. that's rocketmoney.compillow. rocketmoney.compillow. Okay, so let's move on and talk about other ways to make missionary more enjoyable. So I was sort of saying this a minute ago about focusing on her pleasure, that that's a big component of Next level intercourse. So when we were preparing this episode, we got a DM from a woman who said, you know, as a woman, this is one of the worst positions for me to orgasm in. What can I do to make it better? So it's really important for us to talk about, like, intercourse is not the most pleasurable and satisfying Activity for the vast majority of women. We have polled this in the past, and 91% of women said it's not their favorite. And one of the main reasons for that is because you're getting very little clitoral stimulation. And clitoral stimulation is the key to female orgasm, though, just the same way as penile stimulation is the key to male orgasm. And missionary in particular can be challenging because there's just not a lot of stimulation against the clitoris.

Yeah. I mean, especially if you think of sort of your. Your stereotypical missionary, where penis owner or penetrator is on top and sort of thrusting their hips, pushing in and out. Like, yeah, there's not a lot of skin ever touching the clitoris if you're really, truly thrusting. And there are other positions that tend to be much better for clitoral stimulation or female orgasm, like cowgirl or doggy style, where you kind of. Where you end up with some natural, like, balls or. Or skin natural hitting or rubbing against a clitoris. I mean, I'm trying to describe why missionary. I think because you're kind of of.

As you Sanders thrusting over here. What are you doing?

Those are the balls swing.

I know, but your hips started thrusting. I don't think you even realized this.

Okay. But yeah, I mean, so, like. Yeah, it's like. What I'm saying is there are other positions that are, you know, typically associated with, you know, being better for women. But yeah, with missionary, there are a lot of variations that you can do or using a hand or whatever to make it way, way better. And then you have, you know, that clitoral stimulation. And also all the other positive things like the vulnerability that being close together, looking at each other, holding each other.

Yeah. Okay, so some specific tips for increasing pleasure and getting more of that clitoral stimulation is if you play around with the angle of your bodies, then the woman might be able to reach down and stimulate her clitoris. You can also, if you're the penis owner or the penetrating partner, focus more on grinding against clitoris rather than that in and out thrusting, and especially not the jackhammering, which we will get back to later in the episode.

Yeah, I mean, I think this is really a huge one because I think a lot of guys feel like, oh, well, like missionary. It's. It's so stimulating for me. I can't control myself. And yeah, if you're just thrusting your hips kind of that in and out, slamming, or not even slamming, but just like in and out thrusting, like, you know, almost all the way out and all the way in, like, yeah, that is highly stimulating. And of course it's going to be hard to make it last very long. And so that's where you can get creative with how you're doing it. So instead of thrusting. Yeah, like the grinding, like Vanessa was saying, it can feel really good for the penis owner, but you are really in control of how quickly you're moving in and out. And, you know, I was really shocked when we started playing around with that of like, I'm like, wow, this feels really good to me. I feel like I'm in way more control of my orgasm. And the reaction that I was seeing from you was like, oh, wow, she's really liking this. And I feel like I'm not really over stimulating myself because I think a lot of guys associate, like, oh, the faster I go, the harder I go, the more she's gonna like it. And it feels like there's this, like, I don't know, like, inverse relationship of like, okay, the things that I need to do to make me last longer are not actually good for her. And I was shocked when we started playing around with this grinding. I was like, oh, this is like, everybody is winning here.

Yeah. Yeah, that's such a great point. So another thing that you can do is take breaks from intercourse to switch to manual stimulation or oral stimulation. So you pull out and touch her or go down on her or use a toy on her. We will also link to our foreplay guides, which are. They're kind of like the sister product to next level intercourse. They have the same step by step, like, walking you through all of our techniques and exactly what to do, but they're focused on using your hand or using your mouth. So I think this is one of the big traps that people get into with intercourse and especially male female couples, because we are really socialized to believe that intercourse is like the be all, end all.

It's the home run.

Yeah, the home run.

Once you. Yeah, once you pass third base, like, you're not going back. All right. Unless you're gonna get thrown out. No one wants that.

But going backwards actually can be so much fun, and it can make it more pleasurable for her. It can help him last longer. And it just like, feels like this really exciting way of mixing things up. Instead of this, you know, going around the bases in the exact order that we all know to anticipate, it's like, like throwing you a curveball to keep adding to the baseball metaphor.

No, no, no. Baseball metaphors. Baseball metaphors are unhelpful.

So I think this is just such a great tip and such a great way to like, make it feel more enjoyable and exciting.

Yeah. I mean, you also, in taking a break, like, you don't even have to stop penetrating. Like, you could just kind of, you know, the penetrator could push up on their hands so that they're in a bit more of a push up position and just leave themselves inside, stop moving. And that allows, you know, the. The woman to touch her with her hand. And so that can be a way to continue stimulation for her while the penetrator gets a break.

Great.

Now the next thing that you can do, and this is, this is mostly for the penis owner, the penetrator, the person on top, and that is change up the tempo and the intensity of the thrusting. And this, you know, goes along with, like, the baseball metaphors, what we see in torn baseball metaphors. I know. I'm just referring to it.

Oh, that they're bad. Okay.

Yeah. Is. Is this idea that sex is like, we start slow and then you up the intensity, up the intensity, up the intensity and, you know, and then eventually you orgasm. And. Yeah, that makes sense from the perspective of, like, as a penis owner, if I want to have an orgasm really quickly, the more I stimulate myself, you.

Know, he's doing air jack offs over here.

You know, the. The faster you go, the more stimulated you're gonna be in, the faster you're gonna have an orgasm. Right. But I think that we just have this idea that, like, well, men have this idea that that's what women want too. And I think one, that's like a fundamentally flawed idea. Unless, you know, unless your female partner, like, really does get a lot of pleasure from penetration alone, it is very likely that more intensity is not actually going to be enjoyable. So I think that just changing it up throughout, not thinking like, oh, I go from 0 to 10, it's like, you know, there's peaks and valleys. Like, we go up, we go down. It's more of a vibe thing.

Oh, it's a vibe.

It's a mood, you know, it's a mood. It's a vibe. You got to keep the vibe. Right? You know, no one, you know, no one wants to just, like, crank it up to 10 and be there the whole time.

That's too much vibing with Xander. You're gonna do like an offshoot podcast.

It's too much. You're gon literally. You're gonna literally blow your load if you just crank it up to 10. Okay. Literally and figuratively. So, yeah, I mean, this, this goes hand in hand with taking breaks. I think is. Think about like the tempo and intensity in the same way. Especially cuz you're looking at each other, it's like, okay, cool. Like, it feels like things are ramping up. We're gonna go a little faster. And then, you know, you know, take account of like how it feels to you as the penetrator. Like, oh, if you're, If I'm feeling like I'm getting close, then I'm gonna, okay, like, let's slow this down then let's go really gentle. And if it's feeling like, oh, like I'm, I'm gonna come if I keep this up, slow it down. Switch to something that is less penetrative, maybe more grinding, nice and slow, and then just see where it goes. But just get rid of this idea that like, it has to get faster and faster and harder and harder because that's not helping anybody and it's just making the experience worse for both, both of you.

And I think this is just a great tip too. If, like, you tend to do missionary in the same way all the time, try the other end. So if for you guys it's usually slow and romantic, then try upping the intensity and the pace and making it like feel a little bit naughtier. And if you're always jackhammering away, then you definitely gotta try slowing it down a little bit too. Okay, so the next tip that we have is for the woman or for the partner who's on the bottom is to be active. So actually I'm gonna toss this one back over to you. So what do you like me doing when you're on top that makes you feel like. Because I'm sure you've had, you know, we've definitely had sex where I'm just kind of like lying there enjoying the ride. Right. And like. And we've had sex where I've been more active and engaged. And I'm assuming you like the latter a lot better. So like, what are the specific things I do that help you feel like, ooh, she's really in it with me, she's enjoying it. Like she's participating in this with me.

Yeah, I mean, I like it when you kind of like thrust back to the best of your ability. I think depending on how much weight is on you, you can or can't.

Do that depending, like, pushing back into.

Yeah, just. Just pushing back a little. I'm not talking about like thrusting in the same way the person on top is, but just like a little bit of a little bit of resistance or pushback. That helps a lot, I think. You know, kind of squirming around.

Squirming around?

Yeah, like, like, yeah, if you are, if it is en to you, like, you know, just like some, you know, so like a, I don't know, like a visual cue to like, oh, this is, this is good. This is, this is enjoyable.

That just does not sound very sexy.

Yeah, no, maybe not, maybe not.

Writhing.

Yeah, writhing there. Writhing and ecstasy. Also like squeezing your PC muscles.

Oh, huh.

Yeah. That can be good though. That can also be extremely stimulating if done in the exact right moment. So that's definitely one that to. To play with. Don't like spring it on your partner. Kind of like test out like, oh, how does this feel? Yeah, how does this feel? How does that feel? Because I've definitely had moments where it's like going along like, you know, minded my own business. All good.

I hope you're not minding your business.

Not minding my own business. But you know, I'm like, okay, cool. Like I'm good. I'm not like, I'm not like too close and then all of a sudden there's like a well timed squeeze and I'm like, whoa, whoa there. I either am coming or I'm about to stop.

Interesting. I didn't realize that. I actually didn't realize that. It can create so much. It can change the sensation so intensely for you.

Oh yeah, yeah, totally.

I think another great thing that you can do when you're on the bottom. I mean, this can be done by both partners, but like touching each other's bodies. So like I'll run my hands like down your back or across your arms, your shoulders.

How do I forget about this?

That's some of your favorite things, you know, for me to do. And it feel, I mean, it's obviously very active. You know, I'm like actively touching you. And the, the type of touch can feel very different too. It can be like kind of more slow and sensual or it can be like getting more into like a back scratching, kind of like claws out type of thing.

Yeah, I mean this is a way for you to both participate in the vibe together, you know, like, like if you're on the bottom and you're wanting to up the intensity, like maybe you can kind of grab your partner's hips and kind of like, you know, shepherd them along, so to speak.

Or, or why is your word choice so funny today? Shepherd them along?

Yeah, not, not sexy. I'm your missionary shepherd.

No, that is A really good. That's a super good tip of, like.

Yeah, Or. Or slow them down.

Yes, exactly. Like, using your touch to kind of guide your partner. Like, if they're jackhammering away, like.

Yeah.

You could kind of grab their hips and. Or, like, start doing, like, a slower touch on their body. It's kind of like a subtle cue of the direction that you're trying to go in.

Oh, yeah.

So those can. Those can all be great. Another great addition to missionary can be eye contact. So I know we already talked about it as one of the reasons that we like it, but a lot of people, I think we've pulled it before, and I can't remember the exact result, but I remember the majority of people don't make eye contact during sex. They're either looking away or closing their eyes. And it blew my mind.

Yeah, I mean, it's kind of like. I think it's kind of akin to, like, eye contact during kissing. Like, most people close their eyes when they kiss, and so I can imagine how you could feel, like, oh, well, like, having sex and our faces are together. It's like, at least as intimate, if not more intimate than kissing. So maybe we're supposed to close our eyes. I don't know. I've never been in eyes closed during sex. I'm a visual person. I like to see what I'm working with.

What are you shepherding?

Yeah, you know, I like to see the results of my shepherding and progress. I don't know.

No, I mean, yeah. That is an interesting comparison, because I like eyes closed during kissing. I do not like having eyes open during kissing, but I like eyes open during sex.

Except I'm always catching you opening your eyes when we kiss.

I mean, I'll give you, like, a little peek really quick, but I'm not.

Like, staring at you. I just think it's suspicious that I always seem to catch you whenever you're peeking.

Well, maybe I just know that you're about to peak. So I peek.

Yeah.

Get out of here.

Could be.

So if you're somebody who just doesn't have eye contact during sex, like, definitely give this a shot. It makes sex feel so intimate and special. I mean, there are very few things that are as intimate as eye contact. Even though it seems like a very simple thing now I'm making sustained eye contact with you. Oh, he's looking away. He can't handle it.

Yeah. I mean, if I'm thinking about eye contact, like, I think you and I don't stare at each other very often when we're having sex, you know, but we are looking at each other. We are looking at our bodies and whatnot. And, you know, our eyes are kind of moving around. Yeah, but yeah, especially towards the end when you're, you know, trying to have an orgasm, it can be really hot to just really, really stare, really look at your partner.

I don't know if I've ever seen. Yeah, we kind of. You kind of drift in and out of. We drift in and out of eye contact with each other. I have a very hard time orgasming with my eyes open, though. I actually don't think it's possible to orgasm with your eyes open.

You mean with your. Oh, like, for anyone?

Yeah, like, maybe for part of it, like the lead up to it. But that, like, peak moment. I don't think it's possible.

Oh, is that why I like to rub my eyes after I work out some. Huh. I'm gonna have to try this. I'm gonna try to force myself to have an open eye. My orgasm. But no, I mean, it makes sense because, you know, like, sensory deprivation, like, typically if you deprive yourself of one sense, like your other senses kind of pick up the slack. So I can imagine that your orgasm probably does feel better if your eyes are closed so that you remove the visual stimulus.

Yeah. I just feel like it's. I don't know if there's any science behind it, but I feel like it's one of those reflex type of things.

Like it's like curling your toes or something. Like, try to have an orgasm without, like, flexing any muscles or something.

Report back to us. Message us on Instagram. We're at Vanessa and Xander. If you can keep your eyes open during sex.

Yeah, but during.

Not during sex. During. What am I saying? During orgasm. Orgasm. And send us a DM and let us know. Okay, here's another quick tip for changing up. Missionary is try doing it in a different location. So maybe that's like the sofa. Maybe you have a thick rug that you can use. A soft bench or something like that. A faux bearskin, a beskin rug in front of the fireplace.

Make sure it's a foe.

Exactly, please. But just a little. A little change of scenery can make a position that feels like that old familiar standby can make it feel different.

Another thing that you can do that has nothing to do with intercourse, like, physically, is add a little dirty talk to the mix. I was gonna say this is something that I actually, you know, that I like. Like, you know, Vanessa to do. Of course. Like, I. I Guess I don't really think about me doing it because I. I enjoy dirty talk and I kind of do it naturally.

Big Al sure does.

Yeah, Big Al does it. Does it naturally. But yeah, I think, you know, dirty talk, when you. From either partner can be a really sexy addition to missionary, and that it can be. I think that can really be a great way to. To break this association of, like, missionary one with. With boring sex. Like, you can have some really, really dirty, like, kinky talk, you know, during, you know, doing a position that you might think is really basic or something, and that can really up the intensity. Now, if you're not immediately sold on dirty talk or you feel a little nervous about it, we have a dirty talk guide that literally walks you through how to do it, how to figure out what type of dirty talk you like, how to figure out what type of dirty talk your partner likes, how to meld those styles. It gives you a lot of, like, word for word examples of things that you can say. Yeah, hundreds. Hundreds of things. And. And they're not always, like, super dirty things. Like, I think that's the thing with dirty talk that people get really wrong is thinking like, oh, it has to just be these, you know, these really extreme words or these really obscene words. But there's actually a ton of ways. Ways to have. This might sound weird, but, like, really clean, really clean dirty talk, clean dirty talk as well. You know, where you're just commenting on what it is that you're doing. You don't even necessarily need to say any body parts. Like, there are a lot of ways to do it. And we walk you through that in that guide, which is why it's. It's a. It's a super fun guide for anyone that feels like they want to get better at dirty talk. They don't know how to get started or whatever.

Yeah. So we'll link that in the description for this episode as well. But I think in particular, missionary can work well for people who feel a bit shy or new to dirty talk, because if you are in the variation of the position where you're kind of like, closer together, you can, like, whisper it into each other's ears without having to make eye contact with each other. So it's like you're close, but you're not, like, having that sustained eye contact. And for a lot of people, it feels a little bit easier to not have eye contact while you're getting comfortable giving dirty talk. So that can be a great tip. And our last idea for making missionary spicier more Pleasurable. More fun is to experiment with a little bit of kink. So I think, you know, missionary, like we've said, gets this rep as being a very tame position, but you can make it very kinky.

You can make it as kinky as you want.

Oh, yeah. So you can do some things like choking, hair pulling, orgasm control. And actually, that was the perfect review of the week for this episode because we will link you to that exact episode that the person was talking about. Oh, ho, ho.

I swear this was not planned. Yeah, we literally opened up the podcast app and just found this review. I don't think you even read it all the way through.

I didn't. It's like, this one looks good. So that is episode 53. You can go look that up. How to spice it up in the bedroom. Exploring kink for beginners. So there are tons of great kinky tips that you can use during missionary to make it feel more exciting. Okay, so let's get to some listener questions. I want to toss the first one over to you, Xander. Okay, so someone wrote in and said, here's my challenge as a guy. How do I hold my weight up so I don't crush her, but also be able to touch her? Interestingly, when I was going through the question box of things that people submitted for this episode, there were also a lot of women who were saying, when my partner and I are in missionary, like, he puts his full body weight on me and it makes this position feel really uncomfortable. So I would just love for you to speak as the guy about how do you navigate this, like, where your weight goes? Because, yeah, I wouldn't want you leaning your full weight on me either. So I just think it'd be interesting. Like, as a woman, I don't really understand, like, what. How do you hold yourself up but keep the stamina where you're not like, dying, but also be able to touch, not do that? I don't know. How do you do it, babe?

This is a really good question, and it's. It's a hard one to answer without actually being in that position because it's kind of this instinctual thing, I guess. Ass. But I. I do think that there are. There are a couple different ways for you, the person on top, to hold your weight. Like, you can hold your weight. You can be on your hand so that you're in sort of a push up position or like, maybe more of like a cobra position. Like, you know, like if you do yoga, not. Not a particularly hard position to do. But if you're up on your hands. I would say that would be the way to have the least weight weight on your partner because you're, you're literally holding your body up now that is a harder position to hold in the long term. I think that if you're in more of a cobra thing though, it's not like your whole body weight is on your hands. It's not like you're in a push up or a plank position. Like that's not what we're talking about because like your legs are still going to be on the bed.

Your knees are down.

Yeah, your knees are down holding a lot of the weight.

Oh my God. Can you imagine if anybody's doing it like in a plank position?

Oh, God. I mean, I don't really know. I think you would be too high up unless you were on like sex pillow below. I mean, God. I guess if you really want to pair your workout with, with your sexy time, but I would not recommend that. So yeah, I think the hands are like the way to have the least weight on your partner. Then again, that's not the most comfortable position for, for the guy, for the person on top. So I would, I would reserve that more for, you know, maybe harder thrusting or you know, a shorter amount of time doing a very specific movement or variation. Then there are kind of shades, I guess of like how you can be on your, on your elbows and forearms, you know. God, I might have to like get down on the floor.

I mean, you've already like thrust it in here. You've air jacked off. Like get down on the ground and start do it. We have an adjustable mic.

No, I mean I can't, I can't get down on the ground. But hold on.

Okay, hold on. Wait.

All right, I'm in the background. I'm on the floor. I'm on the floor. This is gonna sound ridiculous. Vanessa's trying to point the mic here. I'm not sure if you're gonna hear me that well, but I'm yelling. Alright, so like when you're on your forearms, that's a very easy position to be on in terms of like not getting tired out. Now I think the key here is how you, how you have your pelvis. Like you can have your, your pelvis down or you can angle it up so that you're moving yourself more up onto your knee, knees and the higher you lift yourself up onto your knees and kind of bring your butt backwards, the less weight is going to be on your partner. So I think that's a really good way if you're on your elbows or forearms, that's a great way to control how much weight is going down on your partner.

All right, great. Thank you for that informative lesson.

You're welcome. And then finally getting back to the very first part of the question about, you know, not crushing your partner but also being able to touch them. You know, I, I think that missionary for the person on top, it's. Honestly, it's not the greatest position for you being able to have a free hand to really touch their body and especially to be able to touch their clitoris, because that requires you getting all your weight onto one side of your body or to one hand or one arm so that you can then move your hand kind of of like down and. And that's. That. That's gonna be. That's gonna be a challenge. So missionary is a better position for the person on the bottom to be touching the clit especially. So when we talk about adding clitoral stimulation, we're mostly talking about the person on the bottom touching, touching themselves. That being said, you can try to shift all your weight to, you know, like, say, to your right side and your right forearm and try to play around with like, you know, if you really.

One of our variations.

Yeah, that may be a variation. If you can get all your weight off on one side, it's. You're not going to be able to have super deep penetration or be able to have very fast penetration, but you will be able to free up your hand a bit. So maybe you really like that one. That could be a great one while you're taking a break or something like that. So just play around with that. All right, next question is. I always feel like I'm just staring at my husband's nipple. Is this. Did you. Did you. Did you put this one in?

Yeah. What did my. I see you have. This is definitely something that we deal with a lot, having a one foot height difference. So I do think, like, some of this is just. It's kind of unavoidable. And so if you really dislike that, you don't have to do missionary. You can do other positions. You can also though, like, try playing around with the angles of your body. It's a little bit more. If he pushes up onto his hands. Yeah, I was going to say, yeah, that it's like when his weight is lower onto you, that's when you're in the nipples. But if he pushes up, that can help.

Or if you do a sax pillow so that you're exactly. You're. If you're on the bottom, angling your pelvis up, and then that would allow you to almost be your head. You would be upside down, and maybe your head would be even kind of looking backwards a bit, which would be backwards into his face, hopefully.

And he can also, like, kind of hunch over a little bit, like, crane his neck down a bit. It's not super comfortable, but it can be nice. Like, little breaks to. To give kisses or make eye contact. Something like that. But in general, like, I just want to normalize it. Like, this is something that happens.

Yeah. It just totally depends on your. Your heights and how your bodies fit together. All right, Vanessa, how do you prevent the queef noise that happens when your chest presses up against each other and you're kind of sweaty? Oh, so not actual queeving. It's like. No, the body farting.

The body fart. Exactly.

The fart squeak. So this is because this is real.

This is another one that we have to normalize. And it's so funny. I feel like. I don't know if I've ever seen or heard anybody talk about this before. Like, the way that your bodies can, like, fart together when you're having intercourse, but this is totally normal. It's a thing that happens. And I mean, it's like, if you want to go to great lengths to prevent it, you would have to make sure your bodies aren't pressed against each other. Maybe you'd have to have some sort of little towel aside you. So you can, like, wipe off any sweat that gathers. But it's like, who wants to do that? Like, just let the little farts happen. It's okay. It's normal. Everybody goes through this and experiences this. Like, just kind of laugh it off and keep going.

Yeah. I mean, I think another thing, though, is that some amount of preparation can help with this. You know, if that's, like, making sure that you have your thermostat set so that it's, you know, a cooler, more comfortable temperature. We hear from a lot of people that. That express hesitance in doing things before sex that are obviously, like, oh, we're about to have sex because I'm turning the AC on, or I'm turning the temperature down, I'm putting the music on, I'm putting lingerie on, or whatever, as if somehow, like, showing your partner that you want to have sex with them is a bad thing. But I, you know, I think a lot of people get in their heads about that. Of, oh, well, it'd be so awkward of me to walk over to the thermostat and set it to, like, an unreasonably cool temperature. Cause I know we're about to get sweaty together. So that's one thing. You know, if that's. That happens a lot and. Cause I know this happens to us if I have forgotten to adjust the temperature or it's warmer than normal, like, you get a lot sweatier, a lot quicker. And then another thing is this gets back to the intensity thing is, like, if you are just kind of constantly upping the intensity, then, yeah, of course you're going to be each getting sweatier faster. So this could be a good argument for. Oh, okay. Once we start feeling like we're getting a little sweaty, let's slow down for a couple of minutes. That can be a way to kind of decrease. Decrease the perspiration.

All right, well, those are our tips for making missionary feel more pleasurable, spicier, more exciting and different. I hope you found at least one tip that you feel excited to try out. But honestly, I would give all of them a try. So we will link a couple of things for. For you. Obviously, we mentioned next level intercourse a couple of times. Like, it's such a fun guide if you want to explore making intercourse feel more exciting and pleasurable. If this episode got you excited and you're like, what's next? What about all the other positions? Then definitely check that out. And also our foreplay guides and that Dirty Talk 101 guide.

Well, that's all for today's episode of Pillow Talks. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we answer the question, is this normal?