EPISODE 96: Things That Go Bump (Or Bang) In the Night

Have you done that?

Yeah, I mean, I think a long time ago.

Really? You like, finish yourself off and then go right back to sleep?

Yeah, I mean, what else am I going to do?

Hello and welcome to the Pillow Talks podcast. We're your hosts, Vanessa and Xander Marin. I'm a sex therapist with over 20 years of experience.

And I'm just a regular dude. We share the ups and downs in our relationship while giving you step by step techniques for improving yours.

Make sure you subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you'd had. We have a different sort of episode for you today. A real grab bag, I think you'd say.

We're switching it up.

We're switching things up. We were talking to our team about just like different funny things that can happen at night. We started informally calling this like things that go bump or bang in the.

Night, depending on the situation, maybe both.

Uh huh. A variety of topics. So we thought, you know what, let's put them all together into one episode. So we were talking about things like sleeping arrangements, like how do you and your partner sleep? Do you go to bed at the same time? Do you sleep in the same bed? Together? We've got seven sex dreams and sex orgasms and even a little something called sexsomnia. Oh, intrigued?

Maybe. I don't know if I should be intrigued or scared.

Maybe neither, because you have done some sexomnia.

I have. I have not in a long time, sadly, but I have. I am a sex omniist. Sexomniac. I'm not sure what the word is.

I think it would be sexomniac.

I like sexsomniac.

It sounds. It sounds good.

Yeah. But before I tell you what a saxomniac is, I'm going to tell you about our review of the week.

Oh, okay.

You like that?

Yeah.

Smooth flip of the intro. I don't know why I said flip.

Flip.

Smooth transition. Flipping from the intro.

I want to see you do a flip now.

I did, I did flip the toggle in in our little outline here so that I could see the review because the team hides the review from me so that I can't. So I can't. I can't be prepared.

Yeah, you just gotta read it off the cuff.

I have to read it off the cuff, share it with friends. 5 stars. We were gathered as a group of girlfriends sharing about the ups and downs of our marriages when one of the women shared that she followed this podcast and thought it was the best thing she added into her marriage this year. Yeah. Wow. We all followed the podcast right there on the spot. Hell, yeah. That's how you do it, people. And went home and listened to various episodes, and we agreed that we needed to all listen to a certain episode and then meet again and discuss it as a group.

Oh, my God. It's a podcast club.

It's a podcast party.

Oh, my God, I love this. Pillow talks podcast party.

Yeah, Pillow talks, podcast, pajama party with pugs.

How did we do that?

I just. I had the exact same thought.

I was going for pajama party.

I mean, it was a pretty obvious alliteration. It's pretty perfect. A pretty perfect podcast party with pajamas and puggies.

Oh, my God. This is the cutest thing ever. I really want you guys to form podcast clubs. That's so cute.

Please, please take a picture and send it to Vanessa. This is, like, her lifelong dream.

It really is. And also, if you buy our book, sex Talks, and it's a book club and a podcast club, you could do, like, one chapter of the book, one episode of the podcast. Oh, my God, it's so cute. I'm gonna die.

I can't tell if you're about to laugh or cry or maybe both. Both.

Both at the same time.

Seriously, Vanessa is so lit up right now. This makes me so happy to see. So we would love to hear and see more of this from you all, but I'm not done.

Please send us pictures. Oh, my God. I would really actually die.

All right, so let's continue. We had the most honest discussion, and we all left feeling more empowered and fueled to improve our marriage through our sex lives and connections. That's what it's all about, people.

I love this.

That's why we do. That's what. That's exactly why we do this.

Oh, it's exactly, exactly why. And I. Yeah, I just love the honest conversations you guys are having with each other. Like a group of girlfriends just being real and authentic and vulnerable with each other. I mean. Oh, that's the dream. I want to be in a podcast club. Can I do a podcast club with my own podcast?

You can try. You can try. It might not. You know, I don't think it'll work.

Quite the same way.

It might not flow as naturally when it's your podcast, but.

Oh, my gosh, this is so cute. Thank you for this review. It really, truly did lit me up. This made My day. I'm so happy to read this and I really appreciate that you left it as a review of the podcast as well. Because these reviews are so helpful for the podcast. It helps us grow, get in front of more couples so there can be even more podcast pajama parties in the future. So if you've never left a review before, the only place you can do it is on Apple. On Spotify, you can leave ratings like a five star rating, which we appreciate too. On Apple, you just go to the Pillow Talks page, scroll to the bottom and you'll see a place to write a review. We would so appreciate it if you've learned anything from the podcast. If we've made you laugh, we would really appreciate you taking 30 seconds of your time to leave a quick little review. And we have a thank you gift if you are chosen as the review of the week. If you hear your review read, send us an email@infomtherapy.com Let us know the username that you left your review with, and we will give your choice of one of four or five masterclasses that we have. You get to pick. So that's just our little way of saying thank you for leaving reviews. Okay, so let's get into our grab bag episode of Nighttime Topics. Should I just go for alliteration through the whole episode?

Yeah, I mean, we're really on the alliteration train following that wonderful heartwarming Pillow Talks pajama party podcast with Pugs. I added that part review and that was so nice. So keep it up, babe.

Well, I cannot promise alliteration because the first topic that we're going to talk about is sleeping arrangements.

I think this is such a great place to start because I think we, we have this idea in our head about when you are in a relationship, when you're married, that there's a certain way that you sleep like you sleep together. We even have the term sleeping together, which implies sex, but obviously comes from, you know, comes from the idea that like, in order to have sex, you need to be sleeping together in the same bed. And so I think that we just have this default assumption that, you know, in a, in a marriage, in a serious relationship or whatever, that there is that you must be sleeping together. And so that's just like this assumption that we make. And like, is that even an assumption that we should be making?

Yeah, I think this idea of non traditional sleeping arrangements has been getting a lot more press lately. At the beginning of the year, there was even a New York Times profile about couples who choose to sleep in separate bedrooms for different reasons. But we went over to our Instagram audience and we asked our community about this and we found 10% of people regularly don't sleep in the same bed together. And there were a bunch of different reasons for this. Kids, one partner snoring or having sleep issues, having different schedules, and even just kind of like a general discomfort of sleeping in the same bed together. So we, in our relationship, we've always slept in the same bed, but we did something a little non traditional for the U.S. yeah, we.

We absolutely did. And we discovered this when we moved to Germany in 20. Yeah, 2015. We lived in, in Germany in Berlin from 2015 through 2017. We were there for about two and a half years. And what we discovered when we arrived there was that the bed in the apartment that we rented, it was. It was effectively a king size bed, but it was a king size bed that was two twin mattresses side by side. And we were like, huh, this is interesting. And then we started asking around, you know, we started, you know, traveling around and seeing like, huh, this seems to be actually the common arrangement pretty much everywhere is that there's, you know, either, you know, two smaller twins that kind of make up a queen size or two more normal sized twins that make up a king size bed. And that this was just the preferred option for most people. And it starts to make sense when you sleep on it because you roll around.

Well, here's the thing, too. It's not just that it's two different mattresses. You also have two separate sets of sheets. So you have your own fitted sheets and then you have your own comforter.

Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry, I forgot about that. Because we ended up modifying this arrangement once we moved back to the US and once we started testing this arrangement out, we soon really started to love it. Right. Because it's like you.

Hold on. I started to love it because you, for many years were a very aggressive bed sharer. Sharer is not the right word. Bed partner. You would grab the blanket, you'd grab my pillows, you'd, like, yank things around. Sometimes you'd, like, kick at me. Or a light. A light punch. I don't want to say punching. Like a prodding. A fist bump. A fist bump in your sleep. I know we had this joke about, like, sleep. Xander was a very different character. He was not very good at sharing space. So I loved having my own comforter because you could thrash around in your comforter to your little heart's delight, and I could just have mine and be undisturbed. But there was also something about, like, having the separate mattresses that you just like, flopped around on your mattress. And you didn't invade into my mattress the way that you would if we were sharing a king bed.

Yeah, yeah, definitely. And because there's, you know, a little. There's barely a crack. I mean, there's like a small indentation because there's two mattresses coming together. And so it just kind of cues to your body. Like, if you're rolling around, it's like, oh, this is the edge of the bed. And you just kind of subconsciously like move back to your own bit of the bed, but you're still like right next to each other. So before bed, you can snuggle up with each other. You know, one person can tuck on into the other, you know, to their partner's sheet, set and duvet and, and get cozy. And so, yeah, we just were like, wow, this is incredible. Why don't we do this in the US it's so nice.

So we did bring it back to the US when we moved back, we continued this arrangement. But then when we moved out of LA in March of last year, we decided to give it a shot. Give it a shot sharing a bed again. See how it goes. And something happened to sleep Xander that now he is not as thrashy quasi reformed. He still throws me a loop every once in a while. But we are back to sharing king bed. One blanket, one set of sheets. And it's been 98% great.

Yeah, I think that my, my aggressive sleeping nature was somewhat calmed down by changing careers, changing jobs, reducing a lot of stress from my life. I think there was a lot of maybe pent up anxiety that was being released in my direction. Yeah. By my body at night. And yeah, things are. Things are a lot better now. So. But yeah, I want to be really clear. We're not saying that, like, this is the ideal, that, oh, you got to be sleeping in the same bed, you got to be sleeping on the same mattress. This was such an amazing option. And yeah, especially because we hear from so many couples and, you know, like, and obviously I did it too. Maybe not as extremely as some people do, but so, so many couples where it's like one partner is like grabbing all the blankets, grabbing all the sheets in the middle of the night. Like, you know, the other partner's freezing cold, wakes up with no blanket on them. And so like, yeah, this just solves that problem right there. It's great.

Well, I mean, let's talk about that because I think because we all have this idea in our heads that, like, sleeping together means in the same bed with all the same stuff. That's, like, such a crucial part of being in a serious relationship. Like, is that true? Does it mean that there's less intimacy if you don't sleep in the same bed?

No, I don't think that there is anything inherent about sleeping in the same bed, same mattress, same comforter, that. That guarantees increased intimacy. I think the intimacy that you have is. Is something that you create, and it's based on what patterns you have, what you tend to do in bed, maybe. Maybe what little rituals you have. Like, yeah, bedtime rituals that you have. Because, like, the reality is, you and I, we're not waking up in the middle of the night to cuddle each.

Other, and we are definitely not cuddling.

Like, no, we can't. Or, yeah, yeah, we can. We don't fall asleep cuddling. I think that if. Maybe if you do fall asleep cuddling. Well, probably if you fall asleep cuddling and you guys are both cool with that and you're both comfortable, then this. Separate beds or separate mattresses is not going to be for you because you're not bothering each other. Vanessa and I, it is not comfortable for us to try to fall asleep cuddling, nor would we want to be doing that. That sounds like a recipe for disaster. Or maybe, like, sweating all over each other because you get too warm. So, you know, for us, the intimacy that we have in bed, that comes from what we do as we are going to bed, like, before we fall asleep and what we do in the morning when we wake up together. And those are things that we could do if we have separate mattresses. Separate, you know, bed setting. Not bed setting. I'm thinking, like, table setting. Separate cheat stuff. Separate cheat things.

Oh, my God. I'm totally blanking on it, too. Separate bedding. Just bedding.

Separate bedding. Yeah. Or. Or if we had. Even if we slept in separate rooms, like, we could. We could create that by being like, okay, before. You know, before we each fall asleep, before the first one who goes to sleep goes to sleep. Like, we get together and we have, you know, 10 minutes of intimacy in bed together. Whatever. That number is arbitrary. You do whatever feels good to you, but you could create that. Or, you know, it's like, okay, well, if we tend to wake up at the same time, then, like, you know, one of us comes into the other's room and we get back in bed together. So it's just. It's all about the the, the habit or the ritual that you create around it, it has, it, it has no bearing on, like, oh, well, the only way to do that is by being in the same bed.

Yeah, I totally agree. And I do think this is a really interesting question for every couple to discuss. Like, what sort of nighttime and morning routines, like, do we want to create that create intimacy for us? And it does. I don't mean. I think sometimes we hear the word routine and we think like, it's some half hour long, elaborate ritual. Like, it could literally be like two minutes. But regardless of whether you're sharing the same bed, the same bedroom, whatever it is, like that you have some sort of little routine to create connection at the beginning and the end of your days.

Yeah, I mean, I think the mistake that a lot of us make is because we sleep in the same bed, we have this assumption that we don't need a routine because it just happens. But I think so many people would relate with, like, oh, well, we just, like, we get ready for bed, we get in bed, we pull our phones out. Like, you don't even touch each other, you don't kiss each other. There's not a lot of communication. Or like, one of you is up for a while, like, not sleeping yet before the other one is, and it's like, and it's like, wait, like, we're in the same bed, but like, we're not even interacting with each other. So I would argue that it would be healthier to sleep in totally separate beds because that at least forces the conversation of, well, what do we want this sort of bedtime or morning time intimacy to look like? And then you do it rather than just assuming it's gonna happen. Kind of like so many people assume, oh, sex should just happen at the very end of the day when we're already super tired. Right. When we're so tired that we put ourselves to bed. Like, it just doesn't add up when you, when you put it in those terms. And so, yeah, the same with the intimacy. It's not natural. It's not a natural thing that just happens. Like, you gotta make it happen.

Yeah, yeah. So be intentional about creating some sort of routine regardless of where you're sleeping.

Also, I do want to say I think that quality of sleep has been getting a lot of recognition lately for how truly important it is for your own wellbeing. And so I think that, you know, a lot of people are starting to realize, like, you know, probably through, like, experience, oh, if I get, you know, X number of really quality hours of sleep a night. And this probably helps, you know, by people having various sleep tracking apps, you know, like Apple Watch, Fitbit, you know, things that kind of can track your sleep cycles. People are realizing, like, oh, like, there are big differences between, like, eight hours of uninterrupted sleep versus eight hours of, like, tossing and turning sleep. Or maybe it's even like, oh, If I got 6 hours of high quality sleep versus 8 hours of bad sleep, I actually feel way better. And so I think that people are finally starting to put it together of, like, oh, yeah, like, it's not. It's not worth forcing myself to be in the same bed with someone. You know, when neither of us are able to sleep that well, when we could sleep separately, we show up so much better in the rest of our lives. We're happier, we're more excited about being intimate with each other. We feel better, we have more energy, all that stuff.

So, yeah, I mean, I think snoring for me would be a deal breaker. Like, you snore every once in a while, very lightly, and it drives me bonkers. But if you were, like, a real heavy snorer, it would just be a deal breaker for me. I just. I can't sleep through it. Even if I try to wear earplugs, we have white noise machines. Like, I just can't. That's why our pugs do not sleep in the bed with us, because they are bonkers snorers. You might hear one of them in the background right now.

Yeah, I mean, we. We went through this ourselves. We. How many? It was probably like, five years. Four. Four or five years that we slept with Winston in the bed with us. And we suffered through those years. Like, it was.

It was bad.

It was really bad. I don't even looking back, it's like, I don't even understand how we put up with it for so long. It was like, oh, he's sleeping. He's so cute. We love sleeping with him. But it would just be like, you know, so many nights. The vast majority of nights would be like, you get woken up multiple times in the middle of the night. You have to pick him up and, like, move him to a different spot in the bed because he's, like, on top of your head or he's snoring, like, in your ear. And then it was as soon as we decided, okay, he's sleeping in his bed, like, outside of our door. It was like a revelation. It was, like, immediate improvement. It was like, how did we wait so long? So, hey, maybe it's just if you struggle with sleep quality, then maybe it's worth a try. Try for a couple nights. If you have another bedroom or you have a comfortable couch or something, just see. See what it's like. See what the differences are. But prioritize intimacy. Make a plan for how you maintain that connection.

Yeah, if you start snoring louder, you're gonna be out in the dog bed in front of the door.

We have a brand new couch that's really comfortable, so you would not want.

To sleep on the couch every night.

I would. We have a guest room. I would sleep in the guest room. It has quite a nice mattress, too.

Okay, let's talk about something similar. But I think there is a unique twist on it. This is, do you go to bed at the same time? So we turned to our Instagram audience again. We said, you know, if you and your partner live together, do you go to bed at the same time? 56% of people said most nights, 27% said sometimes, and 17% said rarely or never. So that's almost half of our aud, like, at least sometimes does not go to bed together at the same time.

And I think that, you know, like we were just saying, when it comes to sleeping in the same bed, I think there's just this stereotype of this is what couples do, this is what married people do. Whatever it is, whatever your definition of it is, like that we get ready for bed together, we get in bed at the same time, and we sleep in the same bed. And that that sort of stereotype or that story is just not very inclusive to the reality of life.

Well, this one, I think, is a little bit more complicated for me because I think it does boil down to the reason. So there are tons of perfectly valid and understandable reasons. You know, maybe one person's a shift worker, you guys are having to work multiple jobs. Like, if it's actually a scheduling issue or like a childcare issue or something like that, like, totally understand that just may need to be the way things work for you. And that's fine. And I don't think, I don't think it's a black or white issue. Like, if you don't go to bed at the same time, that means you don't have a good relationship at all. But I do think that there are situations that are a little murkier where couples are not going to bed at the same time. Like, gaming is a big one. A lot of people tell us, you know, I want to go to bed with my partner. I want Us to have a little nighttime ritual or like snuggle in bed together for a little bit, just have that intimacy. But my partner prefers to stay up playing video games. You know, that is a trickier situation for me where I think like, there is something for that couple to discuss around. Like, how important is it to us to go to bed at the same time to have that moment of intimacy? Why are we maybe letting some of these things get in the way of that intimate? Like, it just can get. I'm not saying that everybody who video games is like video games. What do you say? Everyone who is a gamer. This is how much I play video games. Everyone who plays games. I'm not saying if you're a gamer that you're inherently like not, not intimate or whatever. Not at all. But I'm just saying there might be certain situations where maybe that partner is avoiding intimacy. Maybe they are prioritizing something else over that intimacy. It just, it's a little more complicated for me.

Yeah, I mean, I think that there can be a dynamic that comes up where it's sort of, where it's like, you know, if, if you, if you yourself or you as a couple kind of struggle to, to prioritize or plan out your, your day or, or whatever, you don't have a, you know, it doesn't feel like you have a good handle on, like, do I have enough hours in the day to do all the stuff that I want to do? I think that, yeah, there sometimes can be a dynamic that comes up where it's like, okay, well, if I, I can stay up and I can sort of like claw back some of that time for myself or like, this happens.

A lot with moms.

Yeah. Yeah, definitely. And so, yeah, I mean, I think that, you know, whether it's gaming or something else, maybe there's this thing of feeling like, oh, I don't feel like I can make time for it during the day. I don't feel comfortable having the conversation about, like, how do I, how do I make time for this thing that feels important to me and therefore I'll just, you know, I, it, it can be sort of the self sacrificing thing. Like, well, I'll kind of like sacrifice my own stuff during the day so that everything can get done and then I'll sacrifice my sleep on the back end in order to do the thing that I, you know, wanted to be doing, you know, at another time in the day. So I think it's, it's an, it's an opportunity or an invitation to to get clear about, like, what are. Yeah, like, what are your priorities? What is it that you really want to be doing? And then looking at, are there adjustments that you can make in. In your schedule or whatever, to be able to actually accommodate this stuff and to get the amount of sleep that you really want.

So, again, not saying that going to bed together is intimacy building for every single couple and that every couple has to do it, but it is worth talking to your partner about. Does it feel intimacy building to you? Does it feel important to you? What kind of connection rituals do you guys want to have? How are you prioritizing your time? There's just a lot of. A lot of stuff that gets wrapped up around this one. But I'll say personally to me, there is something very intimate about going to bed together and waking up together. It's like some of my favorite moments of the day is sharing that with you. So I would really struggle if you wanted to stay up a lot later, like watching TV or just being on the Internet or whatever it is. Like, that would be hard for me.

Yeah. I mean, I. I really. I really value the fact that you and I have really settled into a similar schedule in terms of, like, lifestyle, in terms of, you know, we. We like waking up around the same time. We therefore get tired right around the same time. Yeah, that's. That. That's really nice because I know, like, you know, our schedules over the years have. Have. Have really kind of changed around, like, in terms of what time we went to bed and whatnot. I'm happy that we end up. We end up with the same. The same thing.

Yeah. So again, to be clear, we're just talking about our relationship in that those last couple. Mom. We don't think this is the case for every single relationship. Really. There's nothing in our relationship where we're, like, definitively the way that we do it is the best. Everybody should be doing this. Like, we're very big on every couple figuring out for themselves what feels good and right and connecting for them. So if you don't really care that much about going to bed together at the same time, cool. You do not need to. It's just an interesting conversation for couples to have to make sure you're on the same page about stuff. And if you're not, to talk about ways to compromise or to get close to being on the same page about it. Okay, so let's talk about something that can happen once you are asleep, and that is sex dreams. So this is very interesting. We get DMs about sex dreams all the time. And people are usually very stressed out about it. They're like, I had this sex dream. I'm really worried. What does it mean? Why do I keep having it? And I think there's this idea. Idea that sex dreams, like, just aren't that common and in particular, that it's a bad thing. If you're having a sex dream about somebody who is not your partner, those are the most stressed out messages we get. Like, I'm very happily married. I swear I love my husband. We've been together for years. I don't want to divorce him, but I had the sex dream about my ex.

Also, there was a hilarious CNN article written about us with a headline.

Oh, God.

With a specific headline. God, I don't. I don't even remember it offhand. But it was written in such a way where it almost. It almost read like, this couple dreams of cheating on each other. Yeah, it was like, I think they meant to be saying, like, they're talking about, like, oh, you like, deal. You know, you have cheating dreams. Like, they're dreaming about doing this to each other. It's like, I don't know about that headline, guys.

It was terrible. But, yeah. We asked our Instagram audience, have you ever had a sex dream about someone who is not. Not your partner? 87% said yes. So almost all of us have had a sex dream about someone who is not our partner.

I'm kind of shocked that there's 13% of people that have not. And actually, I'm going to say I'm not going to say that they haven't. I'm going to say that they don't remember it. They claim to not remember it.

So like I said, the big question that comes up around this is, like, what does it mean? Is it a bad thing? So first, what we want to start with is that there's nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. Like, things that happen in our dreams, they are not under our control. So a lot of people will DM us and say, like, you know, do I need to tell my partner? Do I need to confess? And we tell them, like, no, you weren't in control in your dream. There is nothing to confess. I think the comparison that you've made sometimes is like, you know, what if you had a dream about robbing a bank, do you need to go turn yourself into the police? Like, no, there was no actual crime that happened. You weren't consciously trying to rob a bank. Like, you just dreamed about it. So the same thing is true. About sex dreams, there is nothing to confess to your partner. And honestly, I would say, like, this is something that's just not worth sharing with your partner.

Like, unless it's something that. That you guys can share and laugh about. I think. I mean, you, Vanessa and I laugh about these things because we understand that when you have a dream like this, all it really means is that you have a working subconscious. It is functioning as intended. And so, yeah, I mean, if there's something really hurtful that happened in the dream, like, yeah, I'm not going to share that with Vanessa. But it was like, oh, like, I have this, like, funny, odd sex dream that I was. That I, you know, I was, like, doing it with so and so. Like, sure, we share that with each other. I think it's just silly. We have a level of trust where it feels like we can do that.

But I think your average couple might feel uncomfortable. So we're trying to take the discomfort away from this and help you realize there's nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed of, nothing to confess. But until you and your partner have had that conversation and feel like you're on the same page about that, I just don't. There's no value to gain of going to your partner and being like, I had this. This super hot sex dream about your best friend. Like, that.

That's not a good. That's not a good way to share it. Unless. Unless you guys get off on. On, you know, each other, have, you know, talking about stuff like that, which is totally, totally normal and valid as well.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, I have definitely had sex dreams that I have not shared with you because I'm like, it's just not, you know, I don't know, I'll share funny ones with you, or sometimes I'll just share with you that, like, I've had a sex dream. But, you know, it's like, I don't really want to hear super detailed ones of yours either. It's just like, whatever, you know, so you don't have to confess anything is the bottom line here. So then people always wonder, like, well, what does it mean? What does it mean that I'm having.

A dream about this other than having a working subconscious?

Yeah. So that's our vast answer. There is, like, I know there's this whole world of dream analysis, and dreams can be very fascinating. They can reveal a lot about ourselves. And at the same time, like, I think sometimes we get so invested in trying to understand our dreams that we, like, make them mean too much. And that's particularly the case when it comes to sex dreams. So, you know, a lot of people just get very in their heads like, oh, does this mean that I secretly am still in love with my ex and I need to break up my 14 year marriage and, you know, get a divorce and go be with my ex? And it's like, we don't need to read into them that much carefully, guys. Like, they're not that serious. So if you enjoy dream interpretation, do you enjoy like getting curious about your subconscious? What sort of themes are emerging? What might you learn about yourself? Like, that's great, go for it, do it. But like, don't get too in the weeds with sex dreams. Because often all that a sex dream means is like you saw a sex scene in TV earlier that day and your brain's replaying it.

Yeah. Or like, you know, replacing the characters with, you know, something else that's in your subconscious. I feel like that's kind of what, what happens in our subconscious is like, you know, you pick up on a certain idea or storyline and then it's like, it's just like, it's like, it's like a collage. Like it's just mixing together various bits and pieces of information. Like, oh, maybe like someone from work, someone from school, someone that you randomly saw, someone from a movie. And it's like all these characters come together but somehow it like feel still feels kind of real to you or whatever. Like that's just how our dreams work.

I have sex dreams. If it's been a little while since we've had sex, I. Yeah, if it's like, I'm like, okay, I'm wanting some in the real world, my subconscious is like, let's have some in dreamland.

Oh, so you have a working subconscious and a working sex drive.

Yes.

All right, great. Check and check.

I will share though. So when I was getting my master's degree in psychotherapy, we did do a dream training that I found very fascinating. And the idea behind this was that everything and every person that you encounter in your dream is actually just a representation of you, some aspect of you, some side of you. So that could be a really interesting way of looking at sex dreams. Like, does this person represent some aspect of you? Like, is there. Yeah. Some side of yourself that comes out in relationship with this person? So that's one lens to look at them through. If you are interested in a more in depth analysis, we do have a YouTube video where we go through a few very popular scenarios. Like if you've had sex with a friend, with your ex, with your boss, or with a stranger. Like what some of those dreams might mean. So what they could mean, they could mean, again, don't go too deep on this. Don't get too serious. Don't freak yourself out. But if you want to get curious about that and check out that video, we will link to it in the show notes for you. But again, bottom line is that sex dreams about another person don't necessarily have any hidden or deep meaning. It doesn't mean you need to end your relationship. It doesn't even mean that you're actually turned on by that person in real life. It's just a dream. It's okay. And that kind of leads us straight into orgasms in your sleep. If you're having a sex dream, maybe you get to the little, the climax at the end of the sex dream.

What happened?

We asked our audience, have you ever had an orgasm in your sleep? 40% said yes, 40% said no, and 18% said kinda. I'll explain that answer in a minute. That I do think that we have this idea. Like we know about wet dreams for men. We tend to think of them as like, just something that happens more to teenage boys. Like, as you're going through puberty, you have some wet dreams, but you can continue having wet dreams. And the wet behind that, if you've never really figured it out before, is like you're actually ejaculating in your sleep. So there is a wetness to it. So men can continue having wet dreams into adulthood. They can orgasm in their dreams. Also, women and people of all genders can orgasm in their dreams as well. So it's not just a purely male experience. Experience. When was the last time you had an orgasm in your sleep?

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. But I think that I do fall into that kind of category.

Me too.

I think I do. Because here's the thing. I am pretty sure that I now only in my dreams shoot blanks because I definitely do have orgasms in my dream. In my dreams and not my dream, in my, in my dreams occasionally. But I don't think I've had a wet dream in a very long time. And like, I, I will like wake up pretty soon after a dream. I mean, I, I remember what it's like to have wet dreams. Like, you know, there's, you know, you ejaculate in bed and there's, there's some wetness. It's pretty obvious. And yeah, no, for many, many years now, I've been having, you know, Having orgasms in my dreams occasionally. And I've not had that, so I don't know what's going on. It's great. I don't mind.

I fit into that category as well. Because often what happens in mine is that I wake up like right before I'm about to orgasm. Like, I'm conscious in the dream, conscious in the dream. But in the dream I'm like, oh, yeah, like it's about to happen. And then I wake up.

Yeah, it's happening, it's happening.

I wake up in that moment and I'm like, like, no. And it's gone.

You can't like, you can't just finish it off yourself.

I have tried in the past and like, no, I mean, like, I can get back to there, but it's not.

It'S not like you're like, right. It's just like, oh, I just needed like two more seconds.

Yeah, no, it's like, yeah, you gotta, you gotta work your way back up there. And it's very annoying actually to like wake up in the middle of that happening. Like, no. So I've had that happen to me many times. That's like a regular experience for me. But I think I've only had like a full blown orgasm in my sleep. Like just a couple of times. It's very frustrating. Not a problem for me in waking life, thank God. But it is an issue in my dreams.

I mean, I wonder if it's just a matter of like, you know, obviously it's. You're getting a different type of stimulation. Like if you're in a dream. Unless you're somehow touching yourself in your dream and you're not aware of it. Like, you know, it's just like.

You mean touching yourself while you're sleeping?

Yeah, while you're sleeping. Like that. Okay.

Not just touching yourself in your dream, but like.

But yeah, it's like it's purely a mental stimulation. Well, versus any kind of physical stimulation. And so. Because like, I know for me, I have had that experience before in the past where like I've woken up right, right before and then I've used my hand to kind of like finish it off really quick and. Yeah. And it was just like. Oh, you just needed like. Like what?

I don't even assist?

Yeah. Like in the real world, five more seconds of assistance and then, you know, and then you're ready to go back to sleep.

Have you done that?

Yeah, I mean, I think a long time ago.

Really, like finish yourself off and then go right back to sleep?

Yeah, I mean, what else am I going to do?

Interesting. I think I'd be a little too like awake and like, what just happened? Whoa.

Okay.

Whoa.

Whoa. Oh, wait.

You want to going back to sex dreams. Something funny that happens with my sex dreams is that they're often very tame, like, oh, I know, very, very pg. But they're so wildly exciting. Like it's really as if I'm like 13 years old again and like, oh, I'm touching a boy for the first time. Like, there's a lot of hand holding in my dreams.

So sweet.

But like that, that feeling of like, oh, we're close to each other and like, oh, our pinky is just grazed and like, oh, well, now we're actually like kind of holding hands. Like it's. And it's so exciting. Just the tiniest little pieces of contact like that. Or like, you know, I'm close to somebody in my. Our bodies are like grazing up against each other, but it's so exciting. So I don't have, I mean, I do have like graphic sex dreams too, but I would say 80% of my sex dreams are like not even getting to first base. It's like just a little bit of. It's not even heavy petting. It's like just touching.

That's so heartwarming.

It's barely touching.

That's so heartwarming. And I used to have those when I was 13 and 14 years old and then those were replaced with other types of dreams.

I don't know. The little ones are so much more exciting to me for some reason than like some really intense full on sex dream.

You still, you still have a, a virginal subconscious.

All right, let's move on to our final topic of today's episode. Sexsomnia. So if you've never heard of this before, this is when somebody initiates sex in their sleep and may even go through with fully having sex, but they are still asleep. Before we get into it, we just want to bring up one particular challenge with sexsomnia, which is the consent issue. So sexsomnia happens when one or both partners are asleep. And obviously when you're asleep, you don't have the capacity to like give full consent or ask for it.

Yeah.

So we want to like really make sure we're acknowledging there are some situations where sexsomnia can feel unsafe, unwanted, even dangerous. So if something like this has happened to you, if it's currently happening to you, we absolutely recommend working with a sex therapist, maybe working with a medical doctor as well. You know, we want you to be Having sex that feels safe and consensual. Everybody deserves to be having sex like that. But what we are going to talk about here is when it's consensual, it's something that feels fun and exciting and playful. But again, just want to give that disclaimer. So we polled this on Instagram and we just stuck with the initiating. We're like, have you or your partner ever initiated sex in your sleep? 36% of people said yes, 52% said no, and 12% said, huh, maybe. So sexsomnia is a really interesting thing. There's not a ton of research that has been done on it, but there are a couple of things that we know. One is that people are more likely to initiate sex in their sleep if they are incredibly stressed.

Yep.

High stress in there tends to lead to this. Another more recent finding is that people who sleep on their stomach are more often to initiate sex in their sleep. And the thought, the thought behind this one is that if you're having like pressure on your genitals, like you're sleeping face down, then maybe that's a little bit arousing and leading to that. So sexsomnia was something that I discovered for the first time back in life, what, 2009? I would say it was a couple of years into Xander and my relationship and discovered that Xander is a little sexomniac. So it was in a high stress period of your life?

It was a very high stress period of my life, yes.

So what happened was I remember waking up to feeling it was actually very similar to my. My very innocent sex dreams. Like, I felt your hand, like, brushing against my waist and I was kind of half asleep as well. And there was something about the way that you were touching me that felt incredibly, incredibly exciting. Like it wasn't just like, oh, Xander, like, move over. Get your hand off of me. Like in this half asleep state. It was like, oh, my God, like, he's touching me. And there was also this feeling of like, I didn't quite know that it was you. It was like, is this sander or is this somebody else? And that not knowing of it was very sexy. So the way that sex progressed was like, it was very slow. Like, first it was just you were touching my. My waist or my stomach or something like that. And then your hands started like moving around a little bit. It was like very, very slow and drawn out. But then once we started having like actual intercourse, then it was like clothes were ripping off. We got right to it and it was a quickie. And so Then we both, like. I think we both had an orgasm. And only in that moment kind of came, too. And it was like, oh, whoa, what just happened? But we were both, like, asleep, basically, in that kind of. For me, it was like that half awake, half asleep, like, dream state that I get into sometimes.

Yeah. It's interesting hearing you describe it as, you know, sort of this, like, long, slow initiation. Because I don't remember any of that part. What I remember was, you know, the. The intercourse part and sort of the very. The very tail end. But I also. I shared that same. That feeling of like, oh, my God, like, what's happening? Who is this? Is this a dream? Is this reality? And, you know, I remember maybe the first time it happened, this sort of very disorienting, like, oh, like, am I. Is this. Is this okay? Like, I don't. Is this. Is this? Like, who is this?

Yeah.

But there was something very exciting about that. Of like, oh, this is. Oh, we're like. But then it was kind of like, oh, it doesn't really matter because this isn't real. And it was like, wait, no, this is real.

Yeah. It's so hard to describe the sensation of it, because it was. I was also unsure, like, is it Xander? But there wasn't this feeling of like, oh, my God, maybe I'm cheating on him. Like, it was okay if it was not you. Like, it was okay. Like, I don't know how to describe it. Like, it wasn't a cheating thing.

Yeah. I think after. After it happened the first time, I think it. It happened a couple times after that, and there was a little bit more in my subconscious, I guess, of trust, of like, okay, like, this is that thing. And I remember kind of, you know, like, waking up towards the tail end of it, but being like, okay, cool. Like, we're doing that sex thing. You know, She's. She's obviously happy with this. I'm happy with this. Like. Like, let's go.

Yeah.

And it was fun.

It was. I mean, that was some of the best sex ever at that point. Like, fast and quickest. It was quick. It was a quickie, for sure. But it was such an interesting experience. So it only happened a handful of times. Then there were a couple of times where it got started and didn't get finished. And sadly, it has not happened since then.

Sad for you. I'm not too sad about it.

I mean, I'm sad that you're not stressed anymore.

I'm a lot happier for it. My life is immeasurably better.

I'M happy for you for that reason, but I do miss the sleep sex. It was very fun. It was very novel and exciting and like, oh, what is it happening?

Well, we. We can role play that. I have a feeling it won't quite be as exciting, though.

So we're very curious to hear what your sexsomnia experience has been like. The very limited research that has been done about this is really just like, you know, why does it happen? What are some of the contributing factors? But I haven't read or, like, heard other people talking about what their experience has been like. So come on over to Instagram. If you are not following us on Instagram, you are missing out. You gotta come check it out. You can participate in polls like this. You can share with us what your sexsomnia experience has been if you've had one. But we are over at Vanessa, and Zander would love to connect with you there.

All right, well, that's all for today's episode of Pillow Talks, AKA the things that go bump or bang in the night. Thank you so much for listening. Join us again next week when we explore some of the weirdest sex tips our audience has ever come across. And yep, we're gonna be trying some of. The.