Expectations In Relationships: How To Navigate Them

I've got a couple of big questions for you today.

All right.

What do you expect from your relationship? What do you expect from your partner? Your expectations and how you communicate those expectations can either bring your relationship closer together or tear it apart.

And we definitely don't want that. So you should listen to us. We're Vanessa and Xander Marin. We're married. We've been together since 2007. And our goal is to equip you with the tools you need to create an extraordinary relationship inside the bedroom and out.

In this video, you are going to learn the role that expectations play in relationships. And you're going to walk away with five exercises for identifying and communicating your relationship expectations. After watching, you will be well on your way to more open, communicative, and supportive relationships. We're mostly going to be focusing on romantic relationships in this video, but I just want to point out that these tools work well for any relationship. So I want to start off by sharing a quick story that happened just the other day. So Xander and I have had a pretty major role reversal in our relationship. For the last 12 plus years, Zander has been the primary cook, but since we've been on lockdown, I don't know what has happened to me. But all of a sudden I am a domestic goddess and I am loving cooking. So I have been preparing the majority of our meals and it's great, great for both of us, but it's the first time that this has happened, seriously over 12 years. So it was very unusual. So the other day I was making dinner and we had agreed to eat at around 7:30, but Zander kept calling down the stairs saying, I'll be there in five minutes, just a couple more minutes. And so it was inching towards 8 o' clock and I was getting pretty pissed off. So when Xander finally did come down, I told him something like, if I'm making you dinner and we agree what time we're going to eat, I expect you to come down on time. Now, as soon as I said that, I had to step back for a second and kind of reevaluate. I don't use the word expect that often in our relationship. So it felt pretty harsh and aggressive coming off my tongue. So it brought up all these questions for me. Was it okay for me to have that expectation of Xander? Was it okay to state that expectation so directly? Was I sticking up for myself and all this hard work that I was putting into making dinner, or was I being bossy and inflexible? So this was just one small moment of frustration. But the reality is that our expectations play a huge role in the health of our relationships. This little incident made me realize that I've never really taken the time to fully define my relationship expectations. So in the moment, I know when my expectations haven't been met because I feel disappointed, I get angry at you, just like what happened with the dinner example. But in those kinds of moments, I'm just being reactionary. I'm getting triggered, and it usually just ends up with Xander and I getting into a fight. I'm guessing that you have probably had plenty of those kinds of experiences yourself. So instead, I want you to think about how much different your relationships could be if you were able to communicate your expectations to others beforehand, rather than just reacting to your boundaries being violated in the moment.

So that brings us to our top five tips for dealing with your relationship expectations. So, number one, start brainstorming. If you've never taken the time to explore your relationship expectations, then the best place to start is just brainstorming. Give yourself the time and the space to think about those expectations. So you can pick one specific relationship to work with, like your romantic relationship, or you can think about relationships more broadly and include friends, family, coworkers, whatever. First, let yourself just go nuts and identify as many expectations as you can, big and small.

So, to get you going, here are some of the ideas that I came up with when I was thinking about my relationship with Xander. So, I expect you to be faithful. I expect you to be true to your word. I expect you to be willing to put work and effort into maintaining an extraordinary relationship with me.

I can do that.

I expect you to take good care of yourself. I expect you to be my teammate, and I expect you to communicate with me even when it's hard.

Cool.

So next, what you want to do after you've done that big brainstorm is see if you can narrow your list down to the 10 most important expectations, and see if you can get more specific with your top 10, too. So, for example, I expect you to be my teammate. That's pretty general, so I could get more clear on what that actually means to me.

So.

So does that mean that Xander always takes my side, even if he thinks I'm wrong? Does that mean he shares responsibilities evenly with me? Like, what does that actually mean, to be my teammate? That brings us to step number two, which is to change the language. So I told you that I said to Xander, I expect you to come down to dinner on time. Now, the word expect felt pretty harsh coming out of my mouth. Because it was just such a small expectation. You know, in the scheme of all things, Xander, being on time for dinner is not that big of a deal to me. So I would have no problem saying something like, I expect you to be faithful to me. But for me personally, using the word expect around something smaller, it just feels kind of misaligned.

Yeah. So our tip here is, see if there's a different word that feels better than expect. So you could use something like, I would like. I would love. I would appreciate. It would make me feel great if you came down for dinner on time. My needs are, you know, whatever. So sometimes just changing the words around like that can make you feel way more comfortable in communicating that expectation. Like, if you're having a hard time brainstorming all of your expectations, like a few minutes ago in our exercise, try just changing that language and see if that opens up some more creativity for you.

Now, step number three is to check your expectations. So it's time to evaluate the expectations that you came up with. Now, a lot of people, myself included, struggle with knowing whether or not it's reasonable to have certain expectations. So here's the trick that I have come up with. When I'm feeling a need, but I'm also feeling unsure about it, the first thing I do is say it out loud. So just the act of saying it out loud allows me to get a more objective sense of whether or not it's reasonable. So sometimes I'll say something out loud like, I expect you to be my teammate. And I feel clear and confident saying that out loud. So I know that that's probably a reasonable expectation. And sometimes I will laugh or kind of grimace as I'm saying it out loud, and I realize that's probably something that I should address on my own or just keep to myself.

All right, so that brings us to step four. Be proactive instead of reactive. So now that we've brainstormed our expectations and gotten a little more comfortable with them, we're going to talk about how do we share those expectations with other people. So our main piece of advice here is that you want to set your loved ones, or whomever it is, up for success when it comes to meeting your expectations, rather than just waiting around for them to fail or not meet your expectations.

Oh, yeah.

So this is especially important when it comes to the big expectations, like expecting your partner to be faithful. You'd be surprised by how many people expect their partners to be faithful, but have never verbalized that expectation.

And this works for smaller expectations, too. So I got mad at Xander because he didn't come down for dinner on time. Now, the truth in that moment was that he was actually working on a project for me and was wanting to make sure that he was able to deliver what he had promised. So it's not like Xander was just sitting upstairs being a jerk, waiting for me to get angrier and angrier at him. So I could have been more clear with Xander beforehand and said something like, I'm really looking forward to sharing a meal with you at 7:30, especially since I'm working so hard to make something really nice. So can you make sure to be down here right on time? For the record, he could have been a little more clear with me, too, but that's a different video for a different day.

So what if you're feeling uncertain about whether or not your expectation is reasonable? So we have another trick here, and that's just ask each other directly. So I might say something like, this is something I'm wanting, but I'm not sure if it's reasonable. What do you think? Okay, so I've got a funny example that is quite timely from our everyday life. So it's my job to take the dogs out at night to do their business. And recently, what kind of business do they do? I'll let you know. There's plenty of business they're attending to out there. So recently, they have been barking a lot at various noises, people out on their decks far away, all kinds of stuff. It makes it really, really difficult for me to get them to go to the bathroom and not, like, run off to the edge of the yard and start barking. So I might ask Vanessa, hey, I know it's my job to take the dogs out at night, but would you mind supporting me? Because recently it's been a big challenge for me.

Yeah. So the key is you just want to ask, you know, this is something that I'm wanting. Does this feel reasonable? And so, depending on the specific ask, sometimes I might say, yeah, I'm happy to help out, and other times I might say, no, actually, I think it's better for you to handle this.

Yeah. So basically, doing it this way, it gives us the opportunity to vocalize our expectations as individuals. But then it also gives us, as a team, the chance to decide what feels right.

All right, and that brings us to step number five, which is to share the impact of your expectations. So let's say that I want Zander to plan a romantic date night for just the two of us. Now, tell me, which of the following would you respond better to I expect you to plan a romantic date night this weekend. You'd better take me out on a romantic date this weekend. Or you know what would make me feel so loved and special? If you were to plan a romantic date for just the two of us.

I guess I would have to say.

The last one, obviously.

Yeah. So when we just share our expectations without any other context, they usually come across as demanding or unreasonable. Kind of like the first two examples. But when we share the why behind that expectation, that feels way softer, more intimate, and more enticing for the person listening. Because the key to getting another person to do something voluntarily, or better yet, happily, is to give them a reason to want it too. If I know that planning a date night for Vanessa is going to make her feel loved and special, that makes me feel really excited and I want to take action. I want to plan that date night.

So that wraps up our five steps for managing your relationship expectations. If you liked this video, please give it a like or better yet, comment down below with one of your own relationship expectations. And please also subscribe to our YouTube channel to get even more free resources. Also, we have a gift for you. If you're excited about improving the communication in your relationship, you are definitely going to want to download our free guide, the Simple Daily Check in that Every Couple Needs to be Doing right now. We created this guide guide specifically for couples stuck indoors during the quarantine, so click the link in the description box below to download. See you next time.