Higher Sex Drive Than Husband? When The Woman Has A Higher Sex Drive

I can't start a video who always.

Wants sex more in a heterosexual relationship? The guy, right?

Wrong. We recently surveyed our Instagram audience about this. We got thousands and thousands of responses. And actually, 46% of people said that in their relationship with the woman is the partner with the higher sex drive. And yet most people seem to think that it's always the guy who's supposed to want sex more often. But again, for nearly half of all couples, it's just not the case. And the problem is that it leaves this half of all couples feeling like there's something really wrong with their relationship. So today we are talking about what to do if you're in a relationship where the woman has the higher sex drive.

Are you guys new here? If so, hello. I am Zander. This is Vanessa Marin. Vanessa's a sex therapist, and we've been married for 13 years.

And our account is all about giving you the practical tools that you need to create an extraordinary relationship inside of the bedroom and out. So if you're interested in that, just go ahead and hit that subscribe button right now.

Who isn't?

All right, number one is that it is completely common and normal to. To be in a relationship where the woman is the one with the higher sex drive. I know we've already said this, like, three times already, and we're right at the beginning of the video, but that's because it's just so important for us to normalize this. Whenever we talk to people about the woman being the partner with the higher sex drive, people always say, like, oh, my God, I thought that was only our relationship. I've literally never heard of another couple where this is the issue. So we're just gonna keep drilling that point home. It is totally normal and common.

Yeah. And then number two, following on that one is just that it is totally relative and also kind of random. So right now, you might feel like you have a high sex drive relative to your partner, but maybe you've been in a relationship in the past where your partner had a higher sex drive than you do, or you could.

Your next partner could be somebody who has a higher sex drive.

Yeah. All of a sudden, you might not feel the way you are right now.

Yeah. It's not like they're really even. You can quantify, like, high sex drive, low sex drive, because it's so relative. Like, two low sex drive people could be in a relationship and have no issues with their sex life at all.

Yeah. So because of this relativity, it doesn't mean that there's, like, a Bad and or good type of sex drive. You know, it's just if you feel like it's high right now, it's just relatively higher or relatively lower than the person that you're with. So the second point really builds on that first one, and that's that sex drive is totally relative and also kind of random. So. So you might feel like you have a really high sex drive right now, but in the past, you might have been with a partner that had a higher one than you and maybe years even felt low in that situation. So that kind of means that there is no such thing as a bad or low sex drive. There's just a relatively lower or relatively higher sex drive than the person that you're with right now. Because who knows, your next relationship, you might be with someone that has a sky high sex drive, and then you might feel like you have a low sex. High sex drive.

Exactly. All right, Number three is that our sex drives change, too. So I think a lot of us make the mistake of thinking of sex drive is like this fixed value, like, you always have this sex drive, but we've experienced our own sex drives changing, right? Like, you've probably had periods of your life where your sex drive is lower, periods where it was higher. So going back to that point about, like, how it's all relative, like, it can change within a relationship too. So it's in our relationship, for example, like, we've definitely had periods of time where Xander was the one with the higher sex drive. We've had periods of time where I was the one with a higher sex drive. So it's just recognizing, like, things are always in flux. It's not like you're ever just stuck with, you know, these are your sex drives and that's it.

All right, so number four is that we never see women with higher sex drives really depicted in the media. So here's a question for you. Can you think of a single example from tv, the movies, or even a book where there's a heterosexual relationship and the woman has the higher sex drive? We just don't tend to see that kind of stuff. But we just said a minute ago that almost half of our Instagram followers are in a relationship where the woman has a higher sex drive. So, you know, it's obviously a lot more common than is depicted in the media. So in the media, you see tons of examples of horny men who just want sex all the time. They're down anytime, anywhere, and then women who just kind of coyly bat them away, right? There's tons of jokes, even about wives being, like, cold or frigid because they always refuse their husbands. But where are all the jokes about horny women getting rejected? Right. Or about men who feel emasculated by their horny female partner?

Just don't see it?

Yeah. This is so important because if you never read or see or hear about, you know, these types of things things, then it's easy to fall into the trap of just believing that there's something wrong with you if you don't fit that mold. And then this leads to a lot of shame and embarrassment, as you might expect.

Okay, and that brings us to number five. The gender stereotypes are the problem, not your sex drives. So we're taught to believe, you know, men are the ones who always want sex more. Women are the ones who have to always fend them off and turn them down. And we really internalize those beliefs. So if you're in a relationship or the woman's the one who has a higher sex drive, oftentimes the man will feel really emasculated. He'll feel like something's horribly wrong with him. And that, of course, will only depress his sex drive even more. Like, why would you want to have sex if you're feeling really bad about yourself, like, not feeling particularly masculine? So it can also lead him to act out, like, in other ways. He might start to feel depressed, angry, really frustrated, and it can lead to a lot of tension in the relationship. On the other hand, the woman might be feeling really unfeminine, like something's horribly wrong with her, too. And a lot of times I can also speak from personal experience with this one here. A lot of times, women with higher sex drives will try to stop initiating and kind of play this game of like, oh, I'll let him come to me. Let him be the man I'm tired of initiating. And then he doesn't initiate because he's dealing with his own feelings of insecurity and feeling emasculated. And then she gets even more frustrated and upset, and it just winds up with both of them having way less sex than either one desires. So it's just really important to recognize, like, it's the gender stereotypes that are creating this dynamic. But you guys don't have to keep buying into that. And we're going to talk a little bit more about how to get out of that trap.

Yeah. So let's talk about what to do if you are in a relationship like this where the woman is the one with the higher sex drive. So we got Six tips for you. Ooh.

All right, Tip number one is to feel your feelings, but then get clear on your values.

Feel them, and then get over it.

I wish it was that easy.

So.

So we, again, just want to normalize. Like, if you've been feeling really bad and guilty and frustrated being in this situation, we totally get it. Like, we have been there ourselves. Oh, yeah, we know how easy it is to internalize all this BS that we're taught about gender roles and stereotypes and all this kind of stuff. So it's okay to, like, acknowledge, hey, this has really been getting in our way. This has been causing us a lot of frustration and resentment and anger. So acknowledge that, but then really get clear for yourself about, okay, like, are these the kind of expectations that we want to have in our relationship? So do you want to have super traditional gender roles and stereotypes in your own relationship? Even if you do, like, do you want to have them specifically with your sex life? So it's really important to, like, get clear with yourselves about, you know, hey, maybe we don't want to let this dynamic show up in our relationship in the. The way that it has been. And I think there's a really interesting way to look at this. Like, if you're a woman watching this, and I were to ask you, hey, what makes you feel feminine? What makes you a woman? Would you answer, oh, the fact that I desire sex less than my male partner. That's, like, really what defines me as a woman.

Said in that voice, too. Yeah.

And that voice with the weird little hand thing that I did. No, you would not say that. So why would we say that the inverse is true? That because you desire sex at this point in time, maybe just a little bit more than your male partner, that that makes you less of a woman. So there's a lot of work that we can do here. Like, this could be many therapy sessions if you really wanted it to. But the bottom line is just trying to get clear for yourself of, like, is this really how I want to define my masculinity, my femininity? Is this really the expectations that we want to put on our relationship?

All right, tip number two is to remind yourself that sex drive is not the most important, important thing about you, and it really does not define your masculinity or your femininity because there's so many other areas in your life that can make you feel masculine or feminine. There's so many other things that you can do that really probably define your life, and those might be the things you do outside the type of workouts that you do, the ways that you show up with your friends. So, you know, sex drive is not everything.

So it's really easy to fixate on your sex drive and feel like that's the main thing. But we encourage you to spend time thinking about, about what are the other ways in your life that you feel masculine, that you feel feminine, that you feel connected to yourself, tuned into your own body. The more time you can focus on that, the more pressure it'll take away from your sex drive in particular.

Yeah.

All right. Tip number three is to try to accept where you are at. So we put the try there because we know that this is challenging. But it's really important to accept that you have your sex drive, it's gonna change different points in your life. Your partner has their sex drive, it's gonna change in different points in their life too. But the more that you try to like fight against your sex drives, the worse things are gonna feel. It's like we've gotta just accept where we are and recognizing we're just at a particular point in time. There are seasons in life, things are always going to change. So you're not gonna be able to like bully yourself into changing your sex drive or bully your partner into changing theirs. And if we start with this place of acceptance, then it actually frees up a lot of energy for us to focus on other possibilities, like other ways to connect, to work on our sex life to improve things. So try, just try to accept where you're at.

Alright. Tip number four is be a team. Because sex drive has this way of making you feel like you're almost opponents with your partner. Like one of them has something that the other wants and they won't give it to them or the partner can't.

Get it, or the other partners being too demanding.

Yeah, yeah, definitely. So you don't want to fall into that trap. So instead of using all that energy on kind of battling it out with your opponent, instead you guys can focus on what it is that you both need to get turned on and have a great sex life. Like what's going to feel good rather than focusing on what doesn't feel good.

And one thing in particular that you can do, like men to focus on. If you're feeling like your sex drive feels blocked, there is something getting in the way. Like you can spend some of that attention thinking, is there anything that my partner could help me out with? So maybe I need help decreasing my stress levels. Maybe I need help creating more alone time. Maybe I want to have, like, date nights together. So I think we're connected. So, again, it's like this different kind of approach, Acting as if you're a team. What can we do together for both of us, rather than this, like, I want it five times a week, I only want it once a month kind of thing. All right, so that brings us to tip number five, to work on initiation specifically. So this is another example of, like, you know, working together as a team to figure out what you both want. There are definitely ways to initiate sex that create a lot less pressure on the partner who's being initiated with. And there's also an entirely separate part of the process that we call consideration, which is deciding what you're going to say to your partner, yes or no, know when they initiate with you. So we actually have an entire masterclass about this, all about initiation and consideration. We will put the link to that down in the description box below.

Check it out.

This is a surprisingly challenging skill to build that most people just haven't ever really put any time or effort into. So we definitely recommend checking that out. But some quick tips here are for women, if you have a higher sex drive, like I was mentioning earlier, a lot of women try to stop initiating. You know, try to let him do it. That doesn't feel very good. So just go ahead and initiate whenever you feel like initiating. And for the men, you know, feel free to say yes or no based on what you're wanting in that moment. Again, we do have that masterclass to walk you through figuring it out, because it's not always the easiest answer, but it definitely can. You know, it's important for you to recognize, like, you get to say yes or no based on how you're feeling in that moment.

All right, and the last tip number six, is to remember that sexual frequency is not the only thing that defines a great sex life. Frequency is just one aspect out of many in your sex life. But it's so easy for people to get fixated on frequency, as if, oh, as long as we're having as much or more than the average person, that somehow will be happy for the magic number. Yeah, the magic number. But the reality is there's so many other things that matter, and I would say they matter a lot more than frequency. So what is the core quality of the sex that you're having? How much connection and intimacy do you guys have? Are you exploring new things and feeling adventurous?

Yeah, the more you focus on those kinds of things, the more pressure it'll take off of the frequency, too. All right, so that wraps up our top tips for heterosexual couples where the woman is the one who currently wants sex more than her male partner.

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And we also have a little gift for you. If the idea of bringing up sex with your partner sounds really overwhelming and intimidating to you, we have this free guide called how to start talking about sex with your partner, even if you never have before. And we'll walk you through, step by step, exactly what to say, give you scripts that you can just copy. And soon you will be talking about sexual like a pro.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks so much for watching.

See you next time.