How Much Sex Is Healthy In A Relationship? How To Find The Right Sexual Frequency For You

Maybe I'd start a video.

So how much sex should you really be having?

Good question. Last week we shared a video about how much sex everyone else is having. So if you watch that video, you probably compared your own sex life to the results that we shared. Maybe you were happy because you're actually having more sex than everyone else seems to be having. Or maybe you felt self conscious that you are nowhere near that average frequency, so it is only natural to compare yourself to others. But the bottom line is that it really and truly does not matter what other people are doing with their sex life. What matters is what feels right for your sex life. So today we are going to help you figure out how much sex feels right, how much sex is healthy, your relationship, and for your sex life to thrive.

Are you new here? Hi, we're Xander and Vanessa Marin. Vanessa's a sex therapist and we've been together for 13 years.

And we are here to give you the tools, tricks and techniques for creating a truly extraordinary relationship. Inside of the bedroom and out. So if you are interested in that, just go ahead and subscribe to our channel right now.

So this topic all started a couple weeks ago when someone asked us on Instagram how often we have sex. This prompted a full scale research project where we surveyed our community and asked them to reveal intimate details about the amount of sex they have and how satisfied they are with their sex lives.

And almost 8,000 people responded, yeah, amazing.

So, yeah, we made an entire video dedicated to sharing the results of that survey, which we'll link to right here.

So in that video, we were really clear about saying that there truly is no magic number when it comes to sex. There's no perfect sexual frequency that will work for every couple, every relationship. What actually matters is finding how much sex feels good in your relationship. So today we want to talk about our top five tips for determining how much sex feels right for your relationship.

All right, so frequency tip number one, forget about the honeymoon. People always talk fondly about that honeymoon stage in a relationship. You know, those early days when you just couldn't keep your hands off each other. But the sexual frequency that you have at the beginning of your relationship typically isn't sustainable long term. So unless sex is incredibly important to you both and you're both steadfastly devoted to making so much effort, don't set those early months as your goal. So are you looking for a more manageable standard? Roughly half of your honeymoon stage frequency is a good place to start. We're actually kind of curious. How often did you have sex in the honeymoon stage of your relationship. Let us know in the comments down below.

All right, frequency tip number two is to expand your definition of sex. So most couples, heterosexual couples in particular, get really caught up in this trap of thinking of sex as just intercourse. Like, when we even say the word sex, most of us are thinking intercourse, right?

Yeah.

On the other hand, people in same sex relationships tend to have a much broader definition of what sex means. So can you guess which group consists of consistently reports greater sexual satisfaction? It is the same sex couples. So if you think of sex as just intercourse, your sex life is probably going to get pretty routine very quickly and you're just going to have a whole lot less of it. But fortunately, there are so many other options, so many other ways that you can have sex and connect with your partner. So it could be oral sex, manual stimulation, mutual masturbation, solo masturbation, anal play, nipple play, central massage, playing with sex toys, teasing, fantasizing, role playing, sensation play, and other activities. I ran out of fingers.

Oh, the list really just goes on.

It does. All of these things are sex too. So the bottom line is that when there are more options on the table, you're going to find yourself having and craving sex much more frequently. It's really similar to food. You know, if the only thing that you have on the menu is hot dogs every day, like, you're gonna get tired of hot dogs really quickly. Maybe. It's kind of funny that hot dogs was the first thing that popped to mind for me.

Interesting.

Would your example have been tacos?

Sure. All right, let's move on to frequency tip number three. Focus on quality sex. Having sex solely to hit a quota is rarely that pleasurable. Unless keeping up with the Joneses is a thrilling part of your sexual role playing, we recommend paying attention to quality over quantity.

Yeah. I mean, like, think about this. If you're in a relationship and your partner's like, okay, the week's almost up and we haven't hit that quota, like, gotta get it in. Like, that's not gonna feel very enjoyable to either one of you if you feel like you're keeping tally. I mean, I think that's one of the things that feels the least healthy in a relationship. When you feel like you're keeping tally of each other. Yeah.

Keeping score.

Score. Yeah. So it doesn't work outside the bedroom and it definitely doesn't work inside.

Yeah. You want to be on the same team. You don't want to be competing with each other. Other.

Exactly.

So in our experience, when couples Are having sex that's satisfying for both of them, a comfortable frequency just naturally emerges.

Keyword there. Both of them, not just one partner.

Yeah. So take the time to think about your favorite sexual memories with your partner. And what does good sex mean to you from those memories? Does it mean having orgasms? Feeling emotionally connected? Working your way through a book of sex positions? This is obviously a huge topic, but so try to identify like, three to five qualities that are important to you and then share that with your partner.

Yeah, I think a lot of us just never take the time to identify, like, what does good sex mean to us? Like, what do we need in order to feel good?

Yeah, I think we just assume, oh, it means like, going for hours or doing it every day. And those are just very generic and kind of stereotypical answers that really have to do more with comparing yourself to others rather than what's nice for you.

Exactly. All right. Frequency tip number four is to respect each other's needs. So people always ask us about sexual compatibility, but the truth is that you are never going to find a partner with whom you are perfectly sexually compatible. So even if you both magically knew, let's say you both magically know that you want sex twice a week in order to be perfectly happy, who's to say that you're both going to want to have it Tuesday at 8pm and Friday at 11pm or that you're gonna want to have the exact same kind of sex, like, very passionate on Tuesday, but Friday is like more relaxed and low key. So every couple is going to have to navigate differences in their sexual needs. This is so, so common literally every couple. So couples tend to be happiest when they feel like their needs are important to each other, when they feel, like, seen and validated by each other, when regardless of whether or not those needs are actually being met, it's really the being seen aspect of it that feels so much more meaningful and powerful to us. So this is not about fulfilling your partner's every whim. We are not saying, like, the second that your partner is horny, you've gotta drop everything and make sure to take care of them. But it is about hearing what your partner wants, acknowledging that you respect their needs, and doing your best to work with them as a team. So definitely no shaming each other for feeling desire or shaming each other for different fantasies or interests that you might have. It's just really being able to, like, listen to each other and hear each other out and respect those desires.

Yeah. If your partner has a lower level of desire than you do. That might mean masturbating more frequently, or it might mean making an effort to support your partner in removing the roadblocks to their desire. For instance, helping them have some alone time every once in a while, or taking some responsibilities off their.

Yeah. So these are just some of the practical things that you can do to kind of make sure you're really seeing and respecting each other's desires.

Yeah. And if your partner has a higher level of desire than you do, that might mean opening yourself up to being intimate, even if you're not totally in the mood. This is where that expanded definition of sex really becomes important. You might not be open to intercourse, but maybe you're open to getting your partner off with your hand or talking dirty to them while they masturbate.

Yeah. If you put more options on the table, you might find that there's something that feels okay to you.

Yeah.

All right. Frequency tip number five. Make the effort more frequently than you feel the desire. So, real talk. Most of us do not prioritize sex as much as we want to. We are busy, we're tired, we're overwhelmed, we're lazy to be totally honest. Like, sex is just really easy to put on the back burner. We really believe that sex is something that requires active and ongoing effort. So sometimes that means trying to get in the mood, even if you weren't initially feeling it. Making an effort to show our partner that we respect them and their needs, as well as respecting ourselves and our needs.

It's also important to keep in mind that most people don't feel the desire for sex until they've already started doing something physical. A lot of our clients even tell us it's not until sex is over that they realize, oh, wow, that was fun. I always forget how much I like sex. If this sounds like you or your partner, you should definitely check out our video all about the two sex drive types, which we'll link to right here.

A lot of people have told us that this video has been totally game changing for them because they didn't really understand how their sex drive worked beforehand. So our recommendation is to try to engage in some. Some sort of physical touch about twice as often as you feel the interest in having sex. So if you wind up getting in the mood and wanting to go ahead and do more, that's great. But if you don't, it's still great to have put in that effort about wanting to connect with each other. So again, it's not about, like, the end result. The outcome of it. It's about recognizing sex is something that does take effort. It's important to me. It's important to my partner. So I am willing to put in that effort. And even if it's not something that, like, you know, spontaneously comes to me. So the bottom line with all of this sexual frequency stuff is that the effort that you are both willing to make to open yourselves up to physical intimacy and to connecting with each other is way more important than the actual number of times that you wind up having sex. So having sex exactly three times per week, every week isn't necessarily going to make you very happy. What will make you happy is knowing that your partner sees and respects your needs and that you are working together as a team to create a sex life that feels active and satisfying to both of you.

So those are our top tips for sexual frequency. And we really hope that you enjoyed hearing our take on this juicy topic. So if you like it, make sure to hit the red button to subscribe to our channel. And while you're at it, click that notification bell so you can keep getting these videos as you as soon soon as we drop them.

Thanks so much for watching.

See you next time.