How To IMPROVE Body Confidence - The Ultimate Guide

All right, I'm gonna be totally honest here. I used to hate having sex with the lights on. And I blame Cosmo magazine. Hey, there we are. Vanessa and Xander Marin. We are a married couple. We've been together since 2007. And our mission is to equip you with the tools that you need to create an extraordinary relationship inside of the bedroom and outside of the bedroom too. I'm a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex and relationships. And I've spent the last 15 years working with thousands of people and have served as a featured expert for major magazines and websites like the New York Times, oh, the Oprah Magazine, Real simple, and many more.

Perhaps even Cosmo.

I have been an expert for Cosmo.

So, yeah, I'm Vanessa's husband. I'm Xander. I used to work a pretty normal job, you could say, in the corporate world. But I started seeing how much of an impact Vanessa was having making with her work, and I decided I needed to join her so that we could reach even more people. I picked up some pretty good insight into what does and doesn't make relationships work, being married to a sex therapist. And I just like sharing stories from our real life that can help you all.

So in this video, we are going to talk all about body confidence, what it really is and why it is so important for our relationships and for our sex life.

We'll also be sharing some of our own body confidence struggles because like I said, it's really important to have these kinds of open, honest, and vulnerable conversations. It helps us realize that we all struggle with body confidence in one way or another. So after you watch this video, you're going to have a deeper understanding of what body confidence truly is. And you'll know how you can take active steps towards improving your own relationship with your body.

So back to my Cosmo story. 13 year old me was in line at the grocery store with my dad. I believe the line was really long. I was pretty bored pre smartphone. Pre smartphone? Yes. I didn't have anything to look at, so I was looking around me and seeing all the magazine headlines right by the checkout. So I saw this fateful Cosmo magazine with this huge headline that said, the best sell sex positions to hide all of your bulges. So I was at that awkward age, kind of on the cusp of puberty. And I did have some bulges that I was becoming increasingly aware of and increasingly self conscious of. But I wasn't sexually active at that time and I hadn't yet considered this idea that other people would be seeing my bulges in the future. So my body self consciousness at the time, it felt like a very private internal struggle. But all of a sudden in that moment, I realized that there was going to be a point in my life where I was going to be judged by other people too. So I remember being in that line, desperately wanting to grab the magazine, learn all the secrets about hiding my body from others. But there was no way in hell that my dad was going to let his 13 year old daughter buy a Cosmopolitan magazine.

Probably for the best.

Probably for the best. Thanks in that situation. So it should come as no surprise that years later when I did become sexually activ, that headline really stuck with me in a major way. So I hadn't even learned Cosmo's secrets for hiding all these bulges that I had. But I had this idea that keeping the lights off would be a pretty good technique. I mean, you can't see what you can't see, right?

Flawless logic.

So that began for me what was years and years of insisting that the lights be kept off during sex. And this was even going on at the beginning of our relationship. So eventually we got to this point where Xander asked me why I wanted the lights off. And he was kind of like, you know, what do you think about keeping them on? Sometimes it's a really big turn on to me to see your body. So that moment was a big wake up call for me realizing, ah, I've been thinking I'm supposed to be hiding my body all this time, but now here's this partner that I really love telling me that he actually wants to, to see my body. So looking back now, now that we've had some practice with it, I've gotten a lot more comfortable having sex with the lights on. Now it feels really sad to think about how much time and energy I wasted trying to hide my body from my partners. Especially in these moments where you're trying to be your most intimate and vulnerable with your partners. So I just think it's really funny how these tiny little moments like just happening to see a magazine cover in the grocery store can, can have such a huge impact on our lives. Now at this point, both of us have come a really long way in our relationships with our bodies. And again, we're sharing some stories with you as we continue on. But we now have had this experience of knowing how different our sex life and our relationship is when we are having healthy body confidence than compared to times where we felt embarrassed and ashamed of our bodies. So we really want the same for You?

Yeah. The sad reality is that most people don't have great body confidence. I know neither of us did for a long time. You know, we're taught from an early age that our bodies need to look a certain way. We spend our entire lifetimes just trying to bully our bodies into fitting these standards that we've seen or heard about.

A lot of times from Cosmo magazine. I mean, you see the same body type over and over and over again, right? So this communal struggle that again, we are all going through, there is not a single person out there who is perfectly 100% body confident. So these communal struggles. Because seriously, I don't think there's a single person out there who is 100% body confident 100% of the time. But these struggles can have a really huge impact on our relationships and our sex lives. So here are just some of the potential effects.

You might get mentally distracted by critical thoughts during sex, and not to mention all the other moments throughout the day where you might also be tortured by negative thoughts about your body.

Yeah, I think most of us have this constant cycle of negative thoughts about ourselves just going through our heads all the time. You might feel less pleasure. I mean, after all, it's hard to feel a lot of pleasure in your body if you feel a lot of self loathing about it.

Yeah, you might just avoid sex and or relationships altogether.

It has been scientifically proven that you're less likely to experience orgasm and more likely to experience performance issues. Quick side note, if you're a female and you are struggling with orgasm, you're definitely gonna wanna check out my video, the Ultimate Guide to Female Orgasm. You'll find the link to that right up here.

You might not want your partner to truly see your body, so you have sex with the lights out. Like Vanessa. Keep your clothes on or contort your body into uncomfortable positions.

That's what that whole article was about. Like all these crazy positions you can get yourself into.

So yeah, they're probably not very good sex positions.

Oh, no. You might not want to let your partner touch your body, which means that you lose out on opportunities for pleasure and connection.

You might be unable to take a compliment.

That is something that comes up for so many women. I mean, seriously, how many of us struggle with really accepting a compliment? You might also feel less desire for sex.

And if you feel less desire for sex, you're probably going to be less likely to initiate sex.

You might not feel worthy of your partner's energy and attention. You might struggle to receive in the moment.

Yeah. And then Overall, your self esteem might just decrease and you can even experience.

Depression and, or anxiety.

Yeah. And kind of like wrapping a lot of these together. You know, I think like when you have a lot of insecurities around your body and you're constantly voicing those to a partner, that can end up just turning into like a big, big turn off for the other partner and kind of create this self perpetuating cycle where, you know, the other partner is going to stop saying like positive things or giving compliments because it feels like they're not going to be received. And then the original person feels even worse about themselves and it's just kind of like a lose, lose situation.

Yeah. I remember there were times early in our relationship where I could take any sort of compliment that you were trying to give me. I could take it and. Very scary. Skillfully twist it into actually being an insult. And I remember you got really frustrated and annoyed and it was sort of this feeling of like, I'm not even gonna bother giving you compliments if you're just gonna find a way to either ignore what I'm saying, turn it into an insult, or, you know, it's just. Yeah, it makes it difficult.

Not a recipe for success.

No.

So, yeah, we know that this was a big, scary list that we just gave you, but we want to give you some motivation to just get serious about body confidence once and for all.

Okay, so what is body confidence anyways? This is obviously a huge question, but for us, there are four major components to body confidence.

All right, so number one, body confidence. It's a kind and loving acceptance of your body exactly as it is in this moment.

This moment?

Yeah. Not how your body would look if you lost £20 if you had bigger breasts or smoother skin. Exactly as it is right now. So we're not telling you get skinny.

No, that is not the secret to body confidence. Number two, body confidence means delighting in your body. It's experiencing joy in your own skin and being grateful for everything that your body does. So it's not just about simply accepting your body, like, okay, this is my body. It's like actually being able to feel joy and pleasure in your own body.

Yeah. And body confidence can be experienced at every size, shape, color, and ability level. In other words, we feel confident about our bodies even if they don't look like what we think they're supposed to look like.

Exactly. And finally, number four, body confidence is a journey, not a destination. You will never reach a point where you're unflappably confident, 100% of the time you have to keep showing up for your body over and over again. Body confidence really is a daily practice. So let's talk about how to improve your body confidence. So I know right now you might be thinking, easier said than done. So I first off just want to start by saying that we get it. We are both human beings. We are like every other person out there. We have hang ups about our bodies too. I know for myself, I have parts of my body that I feel a little self conscious sometimes. Sometimes when I catch a glimpse of in the mirror, I definitely have days where I feel bloated or lumpy, flabby, just like everyone else. But the important thing to remember is that perfection is not the goal here. You don't need to have a perfect relationship with your body. It is okay to have good days and bad days. We both definitely do.

Just like you and me in real life.

Yes. Now the important thing is that you make a consistent effort to develop a healthier relationship with your body. But again, you're gonna have good days and bad days.

So one of the best ways to start building better body confidence is to examine your own stories about your body. Because you probably have a few that you've created. You know, we all create these stories. Things like, I just have a low sex drive, I'm always gonna be in pain. No one will ever be attracted to me at this weight. I'm not flexible. I'm never going to be able to have an orgasm. I'm always going to have terrible skin. My metabolism is so slow, my genitals are gross.

Now here's the major problem with these stories. We end up reinforcing them and then turning them into self fulfilling prophecies. We know how frustrating it is to feel stuck in a story about your body. So we want to walk you through a simple four step process that we recommend.

Step 1. Start by identifying the stories that you have about your own body as ask yourself, what do I believe is true about my body? And just jot down anything that comes to mind.

STEP 2. Think about why those stories exist in the first place. Where did they come from? So maybe your story comes from being bullied as a kid or from something that your mom said, or simply from growing up in a body shaming culture.

Step three is identify the impact your stories have had on your life. What have you done or not done because of your stories about your body? Maybe you've held yourself back from initiating intimacy with your partner or buying clothes that fit. You think big here. Maybe you even held yourself back from applying for that dream job or going back to school. This can be a really tough step because it forces you to be brutally honest with yourself. But we think it's a necessary part of the process, so we really encourage you to stick with it.

And finally, step four is to create a new story. So for each of the stories that you identify in step number one, come up with an alternate story. Now, you don't need to immediately believe the new story the second you come up with it, but just come up with a different version. This simple step starts to open your mind to the possibility of there being different stories about your body.

So here's one of my stories. I've always had an interesting relationship with my body when it comes to kind of weight and strength. So growing up, I was skinny, like verging on unhealthy skinny. Vanessa even saw a little bit of that when we started.

Oh yeah, he was super skinny when we met.

So all I ever wanted was to just look normal. Like I tried different diets, special supplements, weightlifting, all to no avail. And all of these things I tried. It really just made me hate my body more and hate, hate going to the gym and hate, like, doing physical fitness activities. And it created this story in my head that I was just powerless over my own fitness. But then last summer, I decided I wanted to start surfing again after taking a 15 year hiatus. So my first few sessions out in the water were pretty rough. I was really out of shape and I'd literally come back and be like, sick from exhaustion the next day.

Oh yeah, I remember some of those sessions. You're like, I'm not sure this is even worth it anymore.

Yeah. But the thing is, it was so great just being out in the water and surfing, but it was so awful to feel so completely depleted after I just decided that it was time to change that story. I told myself, you know what? I could surf every day if I wanted to. And in that moment, I didn't even fully believe that story. But I wanted to tell myself that because I. I was sick of these physical barriers that I was running into. So a year later, I'm happy to report that I'm making so much more progress than I ever expected. I'm going surfing multiple times a week and I actually feel like I'm in good shape for the first time in my life.

Change that story.

Yep.

Another one of our favorite body confidence techniques is to think of your body as your best friend.

Friend.

So if your body truly was your absolute best friend, how might you take Care of him, her, them. So what would you say to your body? How would you treat it? What would your day to day interactions be like? If this feels tricky, think about your actual real life best friend and how you treat them. What do you do to be a good friend? And how could you turn all of those qualities around to use them on yourself?

This can be especially important right now if you find yourself isolated from friends and family due to COVID 19 because you're not alone. You've got a best friend with you at all times. Your body.

So this one is a really powerful one for me. I've always heard this advice to like, think of your body as your best friend. But it never really sunk in for me before. But I remember I had this one time where I was having a very self conscious day. I was thinking, thinking a lot of negative thoughts about my body in my own head. And I remember having this thought of man. My body has no one to defend her. Like I'm just talking trash about her. I'm saying all these terrible things and there's no one there to like stick up for her. And I realized in that moment, I'm supposed to be that person. I'm supposed to be my body's protector and her guardian and the person who sticks up for her. And so that's what for me, made this whole be your own best friend advice really sink in. I thought, yeah, I would never let people talk this badly about my actual best friend or about Xander. You know, I would never let that happen. I would stick up for them. So that changed this whole piece of advice for me and really made me realize like, yeah, I want to be my body's best friend. And what are the specific things that I can do to take care of her, to protect her, to nurture her.

That's really nice. Thanks. So our last tip for improving your relationship with your body is to move it.

Okay, yes, we know we can practically feel your eyes rolling through the screen, but just hear us out on this one. Physical activity and movement are fantastic for those who are trying to improve body confidence because it generates all sorts of feel good hormones that naturally elevate your mood. You get confidence from knowing that you're investing in your body and you're trying to make changes. So we're not talking about the goal of trying to get a six page or run a marathon. We're just talking about simply trying to be more connected to your body.

Plus, exercise can help deepen the mind body connection. People who have low body confidence can sometimes feel disconnected from their bodies. Physical exertion almost requires you to be more in tune with your body. It's hard to lift a heavy weight or navigate a tricky turn without being aware of what your body's doing.

And physical movement also helps you appreciate, appreciate the things that your body can do. It's really empowering to be able to feel into your strength, your flexibility, or your speed.

And that's not even getting into all the ways that physical activity improves your sex life.

Oh, yeah.

So for me, getting back into surfing has transformed, like, a ton of aspects of my life. I feel a new sense of purpose and motivation. I feel confident in the way my body looks for the first time ever. And I get a huge boost of happiness after every surf session.

I'm pretty happy with your surfer's bod, too. And for me, the way that I've been able to move my body that brings me joy and happiness and connection to myself is actually through weightlifting. I got into it a few years ago, and it's just been so much fun for me to see how strong my body actually is. So that's something that I do now almost every day because it just makes me feel so, so connected to myself, so proud of my body. And it also has so many other benefits, like improving my mood, getting rid of stress, all that kind of thing. So really, when it comes to finding a kind of movement, it's gotta be what works for you. It's really easy for us to think about exercise as a way that we punish our body or we're trying to work towards having our dream body. But what we're talking about here is finding some way of moving and challenging your body that feels genuinely good to you. So, look, all this work on improving your body confidence, it is not easy. We'll be honest. We've both had our own journeys through it, and we know that this is something that can be a lifelong process, but we firmly believe that it is so, so worth it. And we both have had experiences that make us realize that it is worth it. Everything in your life improves, and especially at your relationship and your sex life when you have better body confidence.

So that wraps up our ultimate guide to improving your body confidence. If you like this video, please give it a like, or better yet, leave us a comment down below. If this information helped you, we'd love to know if this is something you've struggled with before and how you've dealt with it. And make sure to hit the red button to subscribe to our YouTube channel. And while you're at it. Click the notification icon so you can keep getting these videos.

And make sure to head over to our website@vmtherapy.com for even more free resources. We have tons of free goodies and guides and all kinds of information for you. Thanks for watching.

See you next time.

Bye. Pretending sorry.