How To Initiate - 7 Ways To Initiate Sex That Will Make Your Partner Say "HELL YES!"

Okay. Be honest with yourself. Are you comfortable initiating sex if you're like most people? The answer is probably no. Most of us initiate sex in really roundabout ways. So maybe your typical way of initiating sex is by clumsily groping at your partner like a horny teenager. Or maybe you usually mumble, I guess it's been a while. Should we do it? Or maybe you try to give your partner the look, but they just ask you, do you have something in your eye?

Hey, we're Vanessa and Xander Marin. We're married, and we've been together since 2007. Our mission is to equip you with the tools you need to create an extraordinary relationship inside the bedroom and out.

In this video, you are going to learn exactly how to initiate sex with your partner in ways that will have them saying, hell yes. You'll come away with seven different ways to initiate sex so you won't end up repeating the same move over and over again, especially if it's a move that doesn't tend to be very successful. Successful. We're going to give you word for word examples of what to say in the moment, plus fun variations to switch things up a bit. So just to quickly introduce ourselves, I am a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex and relationship therapy. I've spent the last 15 years working with thousands of couples and have served as a featured expert for magazines and websites like the New York Times, oh, the Oprah Magazine, Real simple, and many more.

I'm just her husband. I used to work in the corporate world, but when I saw how much of an impact Vanessa was making with her work, I decided to join her so that we could reach even more people. You know, being married to a sex therapist, I've picked up some pretty good insight into what does and doesn't work in relationships. And I just love sharing real stories from our own life that will help you guys.

And we have also initiated sex with each other thousands of times in some of the worst ways possible and in some of the best possible ways. So we are bringing tons of personal, real world experience into this video, too.

We get it. It's hard to initiate sex. We've done it so many times, and both of us still get a little awkward or uncomfortable sometimes. Yeah, the reality is that most people just aren't particularly skillful at initiation, but we want to help you get much, much better at it. So we're going to be talking about the seven ways to initiate sex that are going to make your partner want to say, hell, yeah.

All right. Initiation technique number One is to take inspiration from the past. So for this technique, what you want to do is jot down of four or five of your favorite sexual experiences with your partner. Then take a look at that list and look for similarities in how those experiences were initiated. So, for example, maybe you take a look at your list and you realize that some of your favorite memories were one time when you surprised your partner with this romantic setup at home. Maybe there was one time where you spent the whole day exchanging naughty text messages back and forth. Maybe you initiated in the morning when usually you guys only have sex at night. So you're looking for patterns and themes in these favorite sexual memories. So that'll help you get a better idea of how to approach sex in the future. Now, I know this sounds like a really simple idea, but so few people actually do it. But the reality is that your past experiences can give you great ideas for how to do things in the future.

All right, so initiation technique number two is give lots of compliments. Giving compliments, it's a perfect way to set the mood before you initiate. You can almost always make your initiation feel more personal by just telling your partner exactly why you want them in that moment. Compliment them. Your relationship or the sexual connection that the two of you share. The key here is to make these compliments as specific and detailed as possible. Otherwise, it's just not going to sound very authentic.

Yeah, if they're generic compliments, your partner can usually read right through it and just say, I know what you're trying to get at here, buddy.

So maybe don't take these examples word for word from us, but here are some examples.

Make them your own.

Yeah. So your ass looks so incredible in those pants. I just want to get my hands all over it. I can't control myself when I see you stepping out of the shower. I can't believe how lucky I am to get to look at you every day. I love how close I feel to you when we're in bed together. You might be surprised at just how effective a simple compliment can be at the moment.

Initiation technique number three is to help your partner relax. So a lot of people need time to unwind and get excited for sex. It can sometimes be really hard to pivot from work mode into sexy time mode, or even from parent mode into partner mode.

Yeah, I think a lot of people get confused here because some people use sex as a means of blowing off steam. And so it can be hard to understand that not everybody operates like that. And very often, like in a partnership, one person is One way, the other person is another way. And it's important to remind yourself that your partner may not be exactly like you.

Yeah. So you might use sex as a way to get relaxed, whereas your partner wants to feel relaxed in order for them to have sex. So if you have a partner who has a hard time relaxing, you can ask them, what can I do to take care of you tonight? Or what can I take off your plate right now? Better yet, you can even suggest something specific that you know your partner would appreciate, like, I'm gonna take the dogs on the walk. You stay here and just kick up your feet.

Oh, that would be so nice.

No, we're going to walk them together later. If your partner's been really lacking in their alone time, you can try to support them in getting some. You can say something like, I know how much you love baths. You definitely do not, but maybe your partner does want me to draw you one?

My back's been hurting, so that might be nice.

So these simple acts can really help your partner take a breath and relax after a stressful day. And a relaxed partner is much more likely to be interested in sex than a stress one.

Oh, yeah. So number four on our initiation techniques is via tease. Drawing out initiation can be super hot. It gives both of you the chance to prepare for sex mentally and build the anticipation. So send your partner a text during the day saying, I'm thinking about what I want to do to you tonight, but don't tell them what you're thinking if they ask. Or if your partner goes in for a kiss, you can pull away and tell them you're off limits until later in the evening. Or you can try stringing out the initiation and foreplay over the whole day by exchanging kisses and touches and then tauntingly walk away.

This is another good one where partners tend to be opposites. Like, some partners can get roaring and ready to go right away, whereas the other partner might need time to build up that sense of anticipation. So even if you're not the same way as your partner, you want to try to meet your partner where they are. Okay. Initiation technique number five is to be sentimental, so you can have a conversation with your partner about some of your favorite sexual memories together. Maybe some of the memories that you came up with from tip number one. So, for example, maybe you would say something like, do you remember that time in Hawaii where we didn't leave the bed all day long? Why don't we try to repeat that this weekend? Or something like, I can't stop thinking about how incredibly Sexy you looked on our last anniversary. So taking a little walk down memory lane together can be a really great way to introduce having another sexual experience with each other.

Initiation technique number six is be sexy. When you're dating or early on in a relationship, initiating sex is usually super erotic and passionate. But as time goes by with the same partner, that intensity can fade over time. And it's understandable. But of course, it's unfortunate. We all want to feel wanted by our partner, even if we spend more of our lives with them than without them. So instead, try to channel some of that original passion that you used to feel for your partner. Hope your partner feels wanted by you as they used to be. Lost out that old move you used to do all the time but haven't done in a while.

Yeah, I think we all tend to get really comfortable with each other, and we start to initiate with each other in these comfortable ways. But the reality is, no matter how long you've been together, you still want to feel wanted by your partner. You want to feel that passion and that desire.

Sometimes it's good to feel a little uncomfortable. You know, maybe on your first date, you push your partner up against the door and kissed her. Maybe you've forgotten how much your partner loves it when you sneak up and kiss the back of her neck. Another good word. Or channel your intensity through your words. Tell them, I need to have you right now, or I've been driving myself crazy thinking about you all day. Of course, being this direct can feel super vulnerable or uncomfortable. But nurturing passion in a relationship, it's important enough to run those risks and make yourself feel a little uncomfortable.

Yeah, the payoff is definitely worth it.

Oh, yeah.

All right. And that brings us to initiation technique number seven, which is to be playful. So our last tip is to try to have some fun with initiation. Initiating doesn't always have to be so serious. You might even find that you feel way more comfortable and even way more sexy being silly and playful with your initiation. Okay, so a friend of mine once shared this technique that she learned from her favorite TV show. So either her or her partner would send a question mark as a text to their partner during the day when they were at work, and it was a signal that they were interested in having sex later. And so the other partner would respond with an exclamation point if they were in the mood, too. It made them both laugh. It was pretty silly and goofy, but it still felt really exciting for both of them. Another idea is you could try making bets where the winner gets an extra special prize. So, for example, you could make a little sporting bet and say, if the Niners beat the Seahawks, I will give you a blowjob.

Good for us, since we're both fans of one of those teams.

Okay, so those are seven of our favorite initiation strategies. Now the bottom line here is that you don't need to strategize or overanalyze every single interaction with your players partner. You don't always have to have this elaborate plan. Sometimes it's really nice to just roll over and have some lazy Sunday morning sex, but it really is nice to initiate sex with a little extra effort. Most of the time it helps your partner realize that sex between the two of you is really special, that you're willing to make that effort to try to get each other excited and get back some of that passion and intensity that you had at the beginning of your relationship.

So that wraps up the top seven tips. If you like this video, give it a like. Or better yet, leave us a comment down below on which technique you're gonna try with your partner tonight. If you're all if you're still interested in this topic, also be sure to check out our video on the initiation mistakes we all make right up here. Please also subscribe to our YouTube channel so we can keep sending you these free resources when we have new videos.

And we also have a little gift for you. So we know that initiating sex can be a challenge in a lot of relationships because so many couples just do not talk about sex at all. So if that's the case for you, we have put together a free guide to talking about sex with your partner, even if you never have before. So it includes our step by step process, our two favorite conversation openers, and bonus tips for making sure the conversation is a success. So click on the link in the description box to download that free gift. Thanks so much for watching and see you next time.