How To Make Up After A Fight

How do you make up after a fight? We're talking about the big questions today.

Oh yeah.

Most couples think that healthy relationships should just avoid communication, mishaps and fights altogether. But we are here as a married couple to tell you that fights happen part of life. No matter how hard you try, you are going to mess up and be a bad communicator. You're going to get into fights with your partner and sometimes those fights are going to get messy. Now, most people just don't ever think about how to fix things after the fight. So in the moment, the fight feels so bad that you just want to move past it as quickly as possible. But it is so important to have a specific game plan for making up after a fight. What you do after the fight is truly what determines the health of your relationship.

Hey, we're Vanessa and Sandra Marin. We're married and we've been together since 2007. Nobody ever teaches you this kind of stuff. So we've made it our life's work to equip people just like you with practical tools that you need to create an extraordinary relationship inside the bedroom and out.

In this video, you are going to learn seven therapist approved steps for repairing the damage after a fight. After watching, you're going to have a game plan for how to make up and feel closer after your next fight. And you're also going to learn more about the patterns that you fall into when arguing and how you can start changing those harmful dynamics.

So let's just get into it. We're going to go right into the deep end. So let's imagine that you and your partner just had a big fight and now you're not talking to each other. Here are the seven steps that you should take to make up and repair that damage.

Step one Figure out what came up for you. So a lot of times when we get into arguments, we'll feel really hurt or upset, but we don't really understand what exactly it was that affected us so much. So in order to start having healthier conflict, you have to understand your own triggers better. If you're not clear on why you feel the way that you feel, you're going to have an even tougher time sharing that information with your partner. So before you even approach your partner, you want to try to get curious about what came up for you so you can ask yourself some of these questions. What was my experience of what just happened? Why do I think I got so upset? Why is this issue important to me? Were one of my boundaries violated? Is there something that I needed or am still needing from my partner. Now, I'll give you an example here. Let's say that your partner was staring at their phone while you were trying to talk to them, and you got upset. There are actually a ton of different reasons why you could have gotten upset. So maybe you were trying to share something that felt really vulnerable and it hurt your feelings that your partner didn't see how hard it was for you in that moment. Or maybe your partner is frequently on their phone and you're wanting to have a deeper discussion about the ways that your phones are getting in the way of your communication. Maybe you were suspicious that your partner was texting somebody else on their phone. Those are all wildly different reasons. Right? So you want to figure out what exactly is coming up for you.

Okay, so step two is ask your partner if they're open to a conversation. So sometimes after an argument, you just need some time to cool off, and you want to give yourself that time, and you want to make sure your partner also has that time. So when you're feeling ready to open up a dialogue again, start by checking in with your partner and see if they're ready. You can say something like, hey, I'd like to try that conversation over again. I'm feeling more clear or calm or open on my part. And are you open to having a conversation with me? So checking in with your partner in this way, it acknowledges that they may not be on the same timeline as you, and it allows them to come back to the conversation when they're ready, if they're not ready at the time.

Step 3. Start with an apology. Yes, start with an apology. Even if you don't think you have anything to apologize for, especially if you don't think you have anything to apologize for. Now, we know that it is really easy to just blame your partner for the argument. We have done that ourselves tons of times. But that does not get you anywhere. The truth is that it always takes two to tango. There's always a role that we each played in the conflict. So try to take as much responsibility and ownership for what happened as you can. You just can't go wrong with apologizing. And setting the tone with an apology shows your partner that you want to have a real conversation about what happened, rather than just blaming them for what went wrong.

So step four is share your experience. So tell your partner your version of what happened. And the key here is to speak about it as your experience, not the ultimate reality. Because the truth is, there's always three sides to a story. Your side, your partner's side, and the objective reality. And usually we're all way too invested in our own story to be able to see that objective reality. One of the craziest things about being in a relationship is that we can have these wildly different experiences of the exact same situation. No matter how clear you think the situation was, your partner will inevitably hear it and interpret it in a probably completely different way from you.

It's always shocking how different it can be.

Yeah, I mean, we're different people at the end of the day. We hear things, see things, interpret things.

Differently, but sometimes it's so different that you're like, were we really just in that same moment there? Yeah.

So just as a simple example, maybe you thought you were being super clear with your partner when you asked them to take out the trash after dinner, but your partner interpreted it as a request that they needed to take the trash out sometime in the next couple of days. So go slow here and use phrases like, what I remember was I asked you to take the trash out after dinner, or what I heard was xyz.

So what if your partner jumps in though, and says, that's not what happened?

Good question. So in that case, try to stay as calm as you can and say something like, I'm just trying to share what my experience was, and I understand that your experience was different.

Got it. Step 5 Ask for their experience. So after you've shared your experience, reiterate your apology again. This will help your partner feel less defensive. And here's the key. With that apology, you want to leave space for your partner to share their experience. So you don't want the apology to feel like that's the end of the conversation. Sometimes we can actually apologize too quickly and it prevents us from having a better conversation about the conflict. So invite your partner to explain their perspective to you. And you know, that's what intimacy really is when we let each other into our inner worlds. Plus, letting your partner share their experience also gives them an opportunity to make an apology for their role in the argument. So you can say something like, I want to say sorry again, that things went off the rails, and I want to acknowledge the role that I played in that. But I also want to understand the impact that it had on you. Then listen as your partner speaks and make sure to ask them follow up questions so that you fully understand. Don't stop until both of you feel truly heard. So you're not necessarily going to agree about what happened, but instead you want to aim for understanding.

Yeah, that's really key. So step number six is validate their experience. So once you've heard your partner's account of the situation, it can really help to validate their experience and their emotions. So say something like, I understand how you could feel that way. You're not saying that they're right or that you're wrong. You're just saying you understand how your partner could feel the way that they feel. This is honestly the most important step of the whole process. We all want to be seen and heard and validated, especially when our feelings get hurt. There's seriously nothing that feels better than having your partner validate your feelings. It bridges the gap between the two of you, it lowers your defenses, and it makes you actually want to reconnect.

Yeah. And that brings us to step seven, make a plan. So now that you've made it to the other side, it's time. Time to make a proactive step towards changing your argument patterns in the future. There is so much to learn from the arguments that you do have. But most couples never ever take this step. They just keep having the same arguments in the same ways and feeling horribly stuck. But it makes a massive difference when you try to learn from your mistakes. So here's how you do this. Simply ask each other, what could we do differently next time Time. Jot down some of your ideas. You can even create an arguments checklist for future use. This just really helps you both feel like you've accomplished something and that you've made progress and that things are going to change going forward.

Yeah. So that wraps up our seven steps for making up after a fight. If you like this video, please give it a like or better yet, comment down below. Which step are you going to put into action?

This one sounds like your favorite.

Yeah. How are you going to do it? Or where are you struggling? And also subscribe to our YouTube channel so you can keep getting more free resources like this.

And we also have a gift for you. If you're excited about improving the communication in your relationship, you're definitely going to want to download our free guide, the simple daily check in that every couple needs to be doing right now. We created this guide specifically for couples to use during the coronavirus pandemic. So click on the link in the description box to download. We're going to be sharing lots more resources for dealing with conflict, so you're definitely going to want to make sure sure you're on our email list. See you next time.

Bye.