How to Say 'No' When You’re Tired & Battling an Uneven Mental Load

All right, moving on. I'm doing chores, and he wants me to stop and cuddle. How can I say no, but not be the bad guy?

I loved this question when it came through because there's so many different layers to it, so I immediately tried to imagine myself in that situation. Like, let's say I'm doing the dishes. I feel like the dishes is the classic time that this comes up. I'm doing the dishes, and you're coming up behind me, and you're trying to be all cute and sweet and get me to stop doing the dishes and just be with you. So part of my brain goes, I love that it's so easy in life for us to get so sucked into our chores, so caught up with the daily grind, the to do list, doing all the things. I think it's really sweet sometimes to have your partner pull you out of those moments and say, like, be here with me right now. I just want to have a moment with you. Like, let's hold each other. Let's make eye contact. Like, just that reminder of you and I are ultimately what's the most important thing in the world?

Yeah.

That being said, that being said, the other side of me knows that it would be really f. Cking annoying sometimes to have you do that. Like, it would totally bring up irritation, frustration. Like, dude, I'm in the middle of this. Like, let me finish what I'm doing. And definitely, if I'm feeling like there's an imbalance in mental load or responsibilities, like, if I'm feeling resentful, like, I'm washing the fucking dishes again because he forgot to do it, or he said he was going to, but they're still here. If I'm annoyed at you, if I'm feeling like I'm doing more than my fair share, then I'm definitely gonna get really frustrated in that moment.

Oh, yeah. That's the first thing you're gonna think about.

Yeah. And I also. There's something that makes me really nervous about this person saying, how can I say no, but not be the bad guy? Like, is that you judging yourself saying, like, I'm not allowed to. Oh, I'm gonna be bad if I'm not allowed to cuddle? Or is that your partner putting pressure on you? Because I'm also not cool with that. If your partner's. If your partner tries to interrupt you to cuddle and you say no and your partner's making you feel guilty or bad or like, something's wrong with you, I'm not okay with that either. So I really see it going both ways. I think ultimately, though, this is a great conversation for couples to have with each other.

Yes.

Like, do you feel open to me interrupting you when you're in the middle of something? Does that feel romantic to you? Does that feel sexy to you? Does that feel sweet to you? Or does it feel disruptive?

I mean, that is. That's one of the questions that we ask right at the beginning of our course, Art of Initiation. We have, like, a whole list of. Of questions and scenarios that are essential for every couple to have discussed. And. Yeah, one of them is. Yeah. In the middle of chores or in the middle of specific chores, are you okay with being interrupted or not? Because different people are going to have very different perspectives on this. For some people, it's like, hell, yeah. Interrupt me whenever. I love it.

Yeah.

Like, it's validation. That feels great. Ooh.

The validation piece is really important because for some people, that feels really good. It's this sense of like, I can't even wait till you. For you to be finished with those dishes. Like, I want to hold you right now. Like, it can feel super sexy and romantic in that way, but it could.

Also feel invalidating when you bring the mental load thing into it. It's like. It's like this motherfucker doesn't even realize that, like, I'm doing way more than my fair share. He's not pick. You know, he's not. He's not even picking up the slack. Like, he's not delivering on his side of the bargain, and now he wants to try to cuddle. It feels like it's just all about him. And there's no. Like, you're not being seen for what you're doing or contributing.

Yeah.

And so, yeah, that. Yeah, that validation piece is like. Cause, like, the other partner could be like, oh, well, I'm just trying to validate you. And it's like, you gotta be able to describe how that either feels positive, validating, or invalidating to you.

So I think step one is you have to make sure you guys are feeling good about how you're dividing responsibilities and mental load that has to be in place. Otherwise, no interruptions. I would say, though, a nice middle ground. So have that conversation. Ask your partner, do you like to be interrupted or not? But a nice middle ground would be, let's say, you. You walk into the room, you see me doing the dishes. If you would say to me, I would love to hold you and kiss you right now. Can I interrupt you? Just asking. Can I interrupt you and There might be some times where I'm like, yes, please. That's so sweet.

I love that.

Let me wipe my hands off. And there might be other times where I would say, you know what? I just really want to finish these, but let me come find you as soon as I'm done. Or another thing that you could do is say, I want to hug you. I want to hold you right now. Let me help you finish those dishes up. Like, scoot on over. You do the washing. I'll do the rinsing. Like, make it feel like, let's finish this up together so that we can prioritize ourselves.

Yeah. So if you are the person who is doing the chore that is being interrupted, think about, would one of those sound better or worse to you? And try to suggest the one that sounds the best to you. Say, hey, if you're feeling like you want to do this, this is the way that I will receive that the best. And, yeah, I think another. Another thing is, like, if you are the person that is wanting to interrupt your partner in the middle of chores, there is definitely an element of. You got to read the room here. Like, I'd evaluate what chore is she doing? Like, dishes. That's a. I mean, that's an interesting one, because it's like, I know do the dishes often, and it's like, I don't like doing the dishes, but once you get started, you get into a groove, and you're like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, now I'm gonna.

Like, that was a little too excited. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I mean, it does feel. It's funny. It does feel good. It feels good because I don't. I so never want to get started, but once I do, I'm. I'm a responsive. I'm a responsive dishwasher. Oh, my God. Once I get started, I'm like, oh, God. It just activates the dopamine in my brain. Like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna finish these dishes. This sink is gonna be clean as a whistle. So I know once you get started with that, you're like, oh, man. Like, if I stop now, then I'm gonna have to start again. And start. The starting part is the part that sucks, right? It's like, my hands are already wet. I'm, like, saturated with water. Like, or I got the gloves on.

It's a dirty trip versus, like, if I'm folding laundry or something. Like, it's so much easier to just toss a towel down than it is to, like, the dish is half wash, and then you put it down and you have to dry your hands, all that stuff. Yeah, it depends on the chore. And I think it depends, like, check your partner's mood as they're doing the chore. If they're like, hate scrubbing the dishes, like, you know, like, that's probably not the time to interrupt them versus if somebody's like, you know, they put some music on and they're listening, you know, jamming out while they're folding all the towels. That's probably a better time that you approach them.

Yeah. And I think it's also like a judgment call of is this a, like a timely or like high priority chore? Like, hey, like our, we just had dinner and the sink is, the kitchen is dirty and the sink is full of dishes. We have to do the dishes in order to be able to make our next meal. Like, then maybe that's not a good time to interrupt. Whereas if it's, I don't know, some other chore. I'm trying to think of a, I don't know, like an unnecessary. Not an unnecessary, but like, not a, like it has to happen right now. I know like, like a random, like, oh, like cleaning the bathroom or something where it's like, typically you don't clean the bathroom every single day. Right. You clean the bathroom once a week, once every two, you know, some. Something like that. Where it's like, okay, maybe it doesn't have to happen right now in this moment. They are choosing to do it in this moment so you could consider like, okay, maybe don't interrupt them in these time sensitive ones if it's something else. I mean, I still don't love the interrupting in the middle. Like I would suggest saying to them, hey, you look so cute right now. I'm thinking about you. I love you so much. Like, I really want to squeeze you. And I'm curious if you're open to that right now.

Or let me help you finish, or.

Let me help you finish, or hey, when you're done, could we spend some time together? Something like that, where you're, you know, you're giving them the validation of, hey, I, I'm thinking about you. I, I'm loving you right now. I want to be able to do this rather than just coming in and doing it.