How To Talk Dirty In The Bedroom: What To Say To Turn Them On

So we talk about communication a lot in our videos and today we are talking about a special kind of communication.

Oh, what is it?

Talking dirty in the bedroom. So we have a question for you. Do you feel comfortable talking dirty in the bedroom?

If you're like most people, I'll bet the answer is a resounding no.

Maybe even a hell no.

Or an oh.

I can't tell you how many messages we've gotten from people begging us to do a video about how to talk dirty. This is definitely a top request. So it seems like there are an awful lot of you out there who want to be able to talk dirty in the bedroom but just have no idea like where or how to start. So today we are going to give you an in depth lesson in how to talk dirty, even if you are painfully shy or you have never, ever, ever talked dirty before. So, hey, there we are. Vanessa and Xander Marin. We're a married couple. We've been together since 2007. And it is our mission to give you the tools that you need.

And the lines.

And the lines. Yes. To create a truly extraordinary relationship inside of the bedroom and out. So personally, I am a licensed psychotherapist and I've spent the last 15 years working with thousands of people and I've gotten to serve as a featured expert for major magazines and websites like the New York Times, oh, the Oprah Magazine, Real simple and many, many more.

And I'm her husband. I used to be one of those people who worked a pretty normal job in corporate world. But I started seeing the work that Vanessa was doing and it was pretty cool. She was making a pretty big impact and I wanted to join in so that we could reach even more people. And along the way, I've picked up some pretty good tips on what does and doesn't make relationships work. And I also just love sharing some real life nuggets from our own relationship and own life.

So when you were quitting your corporate job, did you ever imagine that you'd be teaching people how to talk dirty?

Not exactly.

So in this video we are going to talk about why you should talk dirty in the bedroom. How to overcome some of the most common blockages that tend to come up for most people. Our exact five step process for getting more comfortable talking dirty. Plus tons and tons of fun examples that you can steal word for word to know exactly what to say when the moment strikes.

Also fine if you want to change a few words, sure. First of all, let's talk about why you should talk dirty. Talking dirty is hot. In and of itself. But it's also great for your sex life. It helps you stay more present in the moment and more tuned in to what you're experiencing. It helps you develop more sexual self confidence too.

Oh, yeah.

And it helps your partner learn what you like. And it lowers your performance anxiety. It's also a low stress way to play around with different fantasies.

So many people tend to avoid talking or even making noise because they worry about saying something that their partner doesn't like or feeling like they're doing some terrible imitation of a porn star, Feeling really inauthentic, or just not knowing what to say. Personally, I struggled with talking dirty myself for a really long time because it actually just wasn't something that came naturally to me. Like, I liked just being tuned into my own experience. And it wasn't that I was embarrassed to do it. I just didn't even think to do it. So there are lots of different reasons why we get hung up on talking dirty. And most of us end up settling for just kind of having quiet sex or keeping ourselves quiet because it just seems like the lesser of two evils. But we are here to teach you how to make some noise in bed without feeling like a moron or without feeling like a phony.

So step one is get more comfortable on your own. First, if you're really embarrassed about talking dirty in front of another person, start off by just getting comfortable talking dirty on your own to yourself. You can start by writing a list of words that feel really embarrassing to you, because you're gonna have to get used to those. So pick one to start with and say it to yourself inside your head. Just keep repeating it over and over until it starts to feel kind of boring.

There will definitely be a point where you're like, what am I? This is fine.

Yeah. When you're like, oh, this word's starting to sound weird in my head, that's probably a good sign that you've said it enough. So then start saying it out loud and repeat it again and again until it starts to feel really ridiculously straightforward again. And then try looking at yourself in the mirror as you say that word. Being in front of the mirror feels really vulnerable for a lot of people, so this will mimic some of the vulnerability you might feel actually talking to another person. Take as long as you need working your way through this list. And then once you're comfortable with those specific words, you can start to say full sentences. Try out things like I want you. That feels good. Do you want to have sex? Keep doing that.

So it's totally fine at this point to be really silly or playful. The sentences that you string together don't even have to be things that you would normally say. The point is just to keep practicing, getting more comfortable about talking about sexual topics.

Yeah, and oftentimes, like starting like the examples I just gave are really simple. They're not. You probably wouldn't even consider them talking dirty. But if the idea of talking dirty is scary, starting with those just simple ones that are just like talking about sex while you're having sex, that's a really good way to start. Once you feel comfortable with that, it'll just kind of start to naturally happen.

Now, if you're completely new to dirty talk, it's going to feel very uncomfortable at first. So we just want to say that is okay. Things are generally awkward when you're something new. Anytime you learn anything new, there's a period of awkwardness. So just let yourself be okay with that. Now, one of the things that people get really wrong about dirty talk is feeling like they just have to copy something they've seen in a porn and it feels incredibly inauthentic. So during this step, we really want you to focus on discovering what does feel authentic to you. You don't need to copy anyone else. You want to figure out what feels good for you, so try to identify things that feel a little more natural. Again, there's going to be some awkwardness and embarrassment this stage. That's totally okay. But you know what? Forms of dirty talk don't immediately make you burst into laughter or cringe in embarrassment. Are you more comfortable saying the word dick than penis? Are you liking moaning better than you like talking? Do you like being more playful and teasing or more serious and erotic? So you really want to find your authentic voice? Don't use words that make your stomach turn, like moist or panties. Hurts me to even say those right now. You don't have to use filthy language if you're a more modest person. So just give yourself permission to be you.

Okay, step two is start talking about sex with your partner. So next it's time to just start talking to your partner. But instead of leaping into talking dirty like I was saying before, we recommend that you start talking about sex more generally. This is going to feel easier and it has the added benefit of improving your sexual communication skills.

So my absolute favorite recommendation is to do what I call the post sex recap session. So after you and your partner have just wrapped up, talk to your partner about how that particular session went. So tell them Details of what you really enjoyed. You already know what just happened, so you're just sharing your experience. It's not like you're coming up with something brand new. And you're not in the moment either, so you're not having to come up with something on the spot. Now, if you're brand new to talking dirty, you can just start super simple and say things like, that, that was great, or I'm speechless. Now, once you feel more comfortable, you can try more detailed things like, yeah, that position that we tried was really hitting some good angles for me. Now, if talking about sex in general feels really challenging for you, we have your backs and we have a guide called how to start talking about sex with your partner, even if you never have before. So we go into this process in much more detail. We share a ton of other tips, so we'll put the link to that in the description box down below.

Step three is learn from your partner. So if your partner is already vocal in the bedroom, try taking some cues from them. What types of things do they usually say? How do they tend to talk to you? What aspects of their dirty talk do you like or do you dislike?

This is a big one for me since Xander was naturally more talkative. So I just started paying more attention and realizing, like, oh, I have a great teacher here. I could figure out what do I like when he says, you know, So I could figure out how to kind of change that around and share my own experience with him. All right, that brings us to step number four. Pick your medium. So if talking in person, talking dirty in person feels too intimidating at first, you can always get started over text or email instead. This can be a really great intermediary step for so many other people. So communicating and writing tends to be a lot easier because you have more time to think about what you want to say. You don't have that face to face intimidation factor when you deliver your dirty talk.

Step five is consider what you want to say. So next it's time to figure out what the heck you're actually going to say when you're talking dirty to your partner. There are a lot of different things that you can communicate with that dirty talk. So here's some of our favorite examples.

So here's when we get into all the examples. All right, so we broke these down into different categories of dirty talk. So the first one is to share what you're feeling in the moment. So this is one of the easiest ways to get started with dirty talk. You simply describe what you're feeling when you're in that moment. So there's no need to think about anything super detailed or complex. Just share what's going on for you. So it might be something like, you feel so big inside of me, or that feels really good right now. I can hardly stand it.

So give feedback. People tend to get nervous about feedback because they think that they need to be giving directions. But feedback is really just another way of sharing what you're feeling in the moment. It's a bit more direct. So, for example, a little bit to the left. Harder. Don't stop.

The next category is to ask for something that you want so you can be even more direct and ask specifically for something that you want or want to try. Now, the thing that we want to remind you of here is that asking for something doesn't necessarily mean that you will love it. So a lot of people put pressure on themselves thinking, oh, I can't ask my partner for that because I'm not 100% sure that I'll love it, or, oh, that doesn't even feel like a big enough thing to ask for my partner. But it's really so much easier to ease into this by starting with small requests and giving yourself that permission to, like, I can just ask for something and see what it feels like. So, for example, you could say something like, hold my hands over my head or take your clothes off.

Give compliments. So another simple form of dirty talk is just to compliment your partner. So, for example, you could say, I can't stop staring at your ass, or, you turn me on so much.

This is another great one that, yeah, it doesn't need to be that complicated. I'm sure you're already thinking some of these things in your head. All right, our next category gets a little more in depth, which is to start talking about fantasies. So dirty talk is a really great way to test drive your fantasies before actually trying them in real life. Now, a lot of couples find that just talking dirty about their fantasies is thrilling enough. They don't even end up playing with the fantasies. So, for example, you might say something like, I'm thinking about watching you go down on another woman. Or, what do you think it would be like if I had tied you up and made you my sex slave? Or even that scene from a movie that we saw earlier was so hot, I can't get it out of my head. What if we tried that out?

Another thing you can do is reminisce. This is another great type of dirty talk for beginners. You can ease your way into Talking dirty by discussing memories of great times you've already shared. Like, remember that time we fill in the blank.

And this one's good. Cause you hopefully already have some examples to pull from. You don't really have to make anything up. It's just recalling memories. All right, our next category is role play, another more advanced one. So you can use dirty talk to try on different Personas. So maybe you want to be bossier in the bedroom or more submissive. You can also use words or language that you wouldn't normally use. So it can be really hot to use taboo words like slut, especially if that's something that you wouldn't say outside of the bedroom. So little side note here, you can talk dirty in the bedroom and still be a sex positive feminist. So consciously choosing to use and or allow your partner to use certain words in the bedroom is really different from having that language thrust upon you. So a lot of women find it empowering to kind of reclaim words that they normally wouldn't use or would hate for another person to use in real world.

Another thing you can do is tease. You can talk dirty to taunt your partner. For example, I've got a big surprise in store for you tonight. Or I'm gonna make you beg for it.

All right? So I also think it's a great idea. Have a few basic phrases in your back pocket to fall back on if you can't think of anything to say. So this is a tip that I definitely used when I was getting better at talking dirty.

Just don't pull them out of your back pocket in the middle, written on.

A little slip of paper. Why would you have pockets on while you're having sex?

Shirt pocket.

Why do you have your shirt on while you're having sex? So you know, there's nothing worse than, you know, your partner saying something really sexy to you and then you're just sort of frozen in the moment, like, I don't know what to say. So you can have a few key phrases that you feel really comfortable saying. That kind of fit for any different thing that might be going on. So you can have simple things like that feels so good or tell me more. That's a great one. Because you kind of put it back to your partner to keep talking dirty while you're like. Or something like, well, what do you want to do to me? Or what do you want to do to me next? Now, during all of these experiments with talking dirty in the bedroom, just keep in mind that no one is judging you. I know you again from Personal experience. It's very easy to feel embarrassed or shy when you're doing this, but your partner is not waiting around listening for grammatical errors or stutters. We have both made plenty of those, so it's fine to try out a few things and see how it goes. Your partner may be able to pick up on some of your embarrassment or your nervousness, but the odds are that they're going to be so excited that you're even trying to talk dirty that they are not gonna care. So have fun with it. So let's take a second to just talk about. What if you end up saying something that just comes out sounding really weird or awkward, or you do stutter, you mix up your words? We have both done that.

This happens to me all the time. Seriously, all the time.

I think this is something, you know, people are so nervous about mixing up their words or saying something embarrassing that they really hold themselves back from talking dirty.

And it's also not even about embarrassment. It's just like, if you're not saying this kind of stuff on a daily basis, like, throughout the day, which, let's be honest, most of you probably are not, you know, in your head is like, oh, yeah, that sounds great. And then it comes out of your mouth and you're like, oh, I would have phrased that differently.

So we just want to offer some reassurance that we have both said some pretty weird things in the bedroom that didn't come out the way that we wanted to say them. And the reality is that in the moment, we either ignored it and just kept moving or we both laughed about it and it ended up being this moment that was really, like, playful and connecting and sweet. We've never had an experience of like, oh, that was really weird. There wasn't any judgment that came up. So, you know, this may be something that you want to talk about with your partner beforehand if you really feel nervous about it. Like, hey, if I do say something embarrassing, can we just laugh about it? Or can we just ignore it and move on by? But the reality for us has been that there really hasn't been any moments of shaming or judging each other.

No. So that wraps up the video on how to talk dirty in the bedroom. If you liked it, please give us a like down below and let us know in the comments which tip was most helpful for you? Which one are you going to use? And finally, make sure to hit that red button to subscribe to our channel and click the notification icon. So you keep getting these videos the moment we post them.

And as always, we have a little gift for you. So if you're still feeling nervous about talking about sex with your partner, we want to offer you again that guide that we mentioned earlier, how to start talking about sex with your partner, even if you never have before. So we will walk you through exactly what to say, how to get the conversation going, a bunch of different prompts, all that. So check out the link in the description box below to download that. Thanks so much for watching.

See you next time.

Bye Bye.